Counselors on the Couch

Broken by Betrayal 13 | A Marriage Born Again: Co-Authoring a New Love Story

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 13 — A Marriage Born Again: Co-Authoring a New Love Story

This video explores the threshold after betrayal trauma: what comes next? After betrayal, the old marriage cannot simply be patched and returned to what it was. The marriage a woman thought she had is gone, not because she failed, not because she did not love enough, and not because she was foolish for trusting. It is gone because betrayal revealed that the story she thought she was living was not the whole story.

Discovery did not destroy a healthy marriage. Discovery revealed a broken one.

If the relationship continues, it cannot continue on the old terms: not the old secrecy, not the old silence, not the old assumptions, not the old way of managing pain, and not the old way of avoiding truth. A new covenant must be formed.

This video explores the idea of a marriage born again: not a repaired version of the old marriage, but a new marriage built on truth, safety, accountability, humility, repentance, boundaries, forgiveness, and Christ at the center.

But a born-again marriage cannot be written by one person alone. It must be co-authored by two people standing before Christ. This video asks a deeper question than “Can I trust him?” That question matters, but it cannot remain the only question forever. The deeper question is, “Can we serve Christ together?”

Broken by Betrayal is a Christian betrayal trauma recovery program for women healing from infidelity, pornography use, sexual secrecy, emotional betrayal, and broken trust. The live online group begins August 2026.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Registration for the free preview course opens mid-July 2026. You can pre-register by texting your name and email to 757-965-5450, and we will notify you when registration opens. Women who register early for the full subscription program by August 1, 2026, will receive a complimentary printed copy of the Broken by Betrayal workbook/manual by mail, a $49 value. Every participant will also receive the digital workbook inside the online course.

If both spouses choose truth, repentance, accountability, and surrender, a born-again marriage can grow. If he does not choose that path, her life can still be made new.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #MarriageHealing #ChristianCounseling #InfidelityRecovery #Forgiveness #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 12 | Clearing the Path: From Survival Mode to Chosen Response

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 12 — Clearing the Path: From Survival Mode to Chosen Response

This video explores how betrayal trauma trains the body and how healing helps a woman move from survival mode to chosen response. Betrayal does not only wound the heart. It trains the nervous system.

When something reminds a woman of the betrayal, even something small, the body may react before the mind has time to think. Fight. Flight. Freeze. Confront. Withdraw. Shut down. Check. Accuse. Panic. Go numb.

These responses are not character flaws. They are survival responses.

Fight may look like sudden anger, sharp words, urgent confrontation, correction, control, or defense. Flight may look like pulling away, shutting down emotionally, disengaging, or retreating inward. Freeze may look like numbness, fog, overwhelm, silence, or inability to decide.

This video explores the pause that changes everything. Healing does not mean triggers disappear. Healing means triggers no longer command the response. A phone on the counter may still stir fear. A silence may still feel familiar. A delayed answer may still activate the old wound. But the alarm does not have to become the driver.

This video introduces five practices: pause without performing, name without narrating, discern what is actually required, stop over-functioning, and ask what the relationship requires for health.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

You can pause. You can breathe. You can name. You can discern. You can choose.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #TraumaRecovery #SurvivalMode #ChristianCounseling #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 11 | Preparing for Change, Forgiveness, and a New Love Story

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 11 — Preparing for Change: Forgiveness and the New Love Story

This video explores forgiveness, covenant, healing timelines, and the possibility of a new love story after betrayal trauma. For many betrayed women, the word forgiveness does not feel comforting. It may sound like pressure, silence, trust too soon, reconciliation too soon, or being told to make everyone else comfortable.

That is not what forgiveness means here.

Forgiveness is not pretending the betrayal was small. It is not excusing sin. It is not removing consequences. It is not forgetting. It is not trusting automatically. It is not reconciliation. It is not staying. It is not leaving. It is not giving the betrayer immediate access to the heart, body, or future again.

Forgiveness is surrendering the debt to God.

This video also explains why forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiveness can be chosen by one person. Reconciliation requires two people. Forgiveness is spiritual release. Reconciliation is relational restoration. Forgiveness may happen while trust is still broken, but reconciliation requires trust to be rebuilt.

This video also explores the two paths forward: staying and rebuilding, or separating and moving forward. Neither path bypasses healing. Staying without healing becomes denial, control, resentment, or fear-based accommodation. Leaving without healing carries the wound forward.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Forgiveness is not the end of the story. It is the doorway through which healing continues.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #Forgiveness #ChristianCounseling #MarriageRecovery #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 10 | Preparing the Heart: When Walls of Anger Give Way to Growth

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 10 — Preparing the Heart: When Walls of Anger Give Way to Growth

This video explores the heart work that comes after anger and bitterness. The next step after betrayal trauma is not forced forgiveness, quick reconciliation, or pretending the betrayal was smaller than it was. The next step is preparation.

Before healing can take root, the heart must become ready to receive what God wants to do next.

This video introduces the anger fortress, the emotional and spiritual structure a woman may build after betrayal to protect herself from being hurt again. At first, anger may feel like safety. It brings clarity, energy, and protection. It says, “This was wrong.” It says, “I will not be fooled again.”

But if anger becomes the main way a woman stays safe, it can become a prison. The same walls that keep pain out may also keep love, empathy, faith, connection, gratitude, and joy from getting in.

This video also explores lament, gratitude, surrender, and divine redirection. Lament is grief directed toward God. Gratitude is not denial; it is refusing to let betrayal become the only reality. Surrender is not passivity; it is letting God reclaim the heart from anger, control, bitterness, and fear.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

The invitation is not to open the gates to unsafe people. The invitation is to open the drawbridge to God.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #ChristianCounseling #Lament #Forgiveness #MarriageHealing #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 09 | When Anger Becomes Bitterness

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 9 — When Anger Becomes Bitterness

This video explores anger, bitterness, and the danger of allowing betrayal trauma to become the lens through which all of life is seen. Anger after betrayal is not strange. It is not automatically wrong. It is not proof that a woman is failing.

Anger is an internal warning system. It says something sacred was violated, something precious was taken, something safe became unsafe, and something needs attention.

The question is not whether anger will rise. It will. The question is what happens with it.

This video explains the anger chain: trigger, hurt, frustration, anger, fury, and then the possible paths of aggression or bitterness. Anger can lead to clarity, truth, boundaries, wise action, and protection. But unexamined anger can also lead to control, contempt, punishment, aggression, isolation, despair, or bitterness.

This video also addresses Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder as a warning sign, not a label of shame. When unresolved grief and unsurrendered anger harden, bitterness can become life-organizing. It can affect how a woman sees herself, her husband, relationships, church, God, and the world.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Your anger makes sense, but your anger does not get to become your identity.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #AngerAfterBetrayal #Bitterness #ChristianCounseling #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 08 | Triggers and Core Fears: Understanding What Drives Your Reactions

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 8 — Triggers and Core Fears: Understanding What Drives Your Reactions

This video explores triggers and core fears in betrayal trauma recovery. A trigger is what touches the wound. A core fear is the wound underneath.

After betrayal, ordinary things may stop feeling ordinary. A phone may not feel like a phone. Silence may not feel like silence. A vague answer may not feel like a vague answer. A delayed response may not feel like a delay. Something in the present touches something unresolved, and the body reacts as though danger is near.

Triggers are signals, not commands. A trigger says, “Something in you has been activated.” It does not automatically require accusation, checking, control, withdrawal, or shutdown. It simply says, “Pay attention.”

This video also explores core fears such as fear of rejection, abandonment, humiliation, deception, being replaced, being trapped, being unsafe, being foolish, being unwanted, or not being enough. Many of these fears existed before betrayal, but betrayal may intensify them and make them feel confirmed.

This video helps distinguish discernment from worst-case thinking. Discernment asks, “What do I actually know?” Worst-case thinking says, “The worst possibility must be true.”

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

You cannot manage what you cannot see. Once you can see it, healing can begin moving in a new way.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #Triggers #CoreFears #ChristianCounseling #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 07 | Boundaries Versus Control: Protecting Yourself Without Controlling Others

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 7 — Boundaries Versus Control: Protecting Yourself Without Controlling Others

This video explores one of the most important distinctions in betrayal trauma recovery: boundaries versus control. After betrayal, a woman needs protection, clarity, truth, accountability, and safety. She cannot simply go back to the old level of access as though nothing happened.

But in the fear and pain that follow betrayal, it is easy to confuse boundaries with control.

Control says, “You must change so I can be okay.” A boundary says, “This is what I will do in response to what is happening.”

Control reaches across the line and tries to manage someone else’s behavior, emotions, thoughts, or choices. A boundary stays on one’s own side of the line. It defines what a woman will accept, refuse, participate in, or remove herself from.

This video explains why control cannot heal betrayal. Control may create temporary compliance, but it does not create integrity, repentance, honesty, or true safety. Boundaries are different. Boundaries protect. They create clarity. They help a woman say, “Your choices are yours, but my participation is mine.”

This video also addresses justice, consequences, confession, truth, and the danger of weaponizing truth through contempt, sarcasm, shame, or repeated punishment.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Boundaries are not revenge. They are truth in action.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #Boundaries #ChristianCounseling #MarriageRecovery #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 06 | Safety Versus Comfort: Choosing What Heals Over What Feels Good

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 6 — Safety Versus Comfort: Choosing What Heals Over What Feels Good

This video explores the difference between safety and comfort in betrayal trauma recovery. After betrayal, the desire for immediate relief is powerful. The nervous system wants the pain to stop. The heart wants certainty. The body wants rest. A woman may reach for anything that lowers the anxiety, even briefly.

Comfort asks, “How can I feel better right now?” Safety asks, “What actually helps me heal?”

Avoiding hard conversations may feel comforting. Checking the phone one more time may feel comforting. Demanding reassurance may feel comforting. Forgiving quickly so the tension goes away may feel comforting. Staying quiet to avoid conflict may feel comforting. But temporary relief is not the same thing as healing.

Safety does not mean nothing hurts. Safety is not the absence of grief, fear, triggers, sadness, hard conversations, or discomfort. In this program, safety means not being overwhelmingly wounded again in the same way, to the same degree, without warning and without recourse.

This video explores sexual safety, emotional safety, physical safety, and spiritual safety. It also addresses how control can masquerade as safety after betrayal.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Healing means learning to choose what heals, not only what soothes.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #SafetyAfterBetrayal #ChristianCounseling #MarriageRecovery #Boundaries #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 05 | Relational Distancing After Betrayal Trauma

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 5 — Relational Distancing: When the Distance Begins to Swallow You

This video explores relational distancing after betrayal trauma. When the person who once felt familiar begins to feel unsafe, the heart pulls back. The body pulls back. The mind pulls back. His voice may not feel safe. His touch may not feel safe. His apologies may not feel safe. His promises may not feel safe. Even his presence may not feel safe.

At first, distance may be necessary. It may be the nervous system’s way of saying that the old level of access is no longer safe. A woman may need emotional distance, physical distance, sexual distance, conversational distance, or spiritual distance from the person who wounded her.

But over time, distance can spread. A woman may begin distancing not only from the betrayer, but from herself, her emotions, her body, her judgment, her friends, her family, her church, and even God. What began as protection can slowly become isolation.

This video explores fear-based beliefs such as “No one is safe,” “If I trust, I will be betrayed,” “I cannot trust myself,” “Hope is dangerous,” or “God will ask me to endure more pain.” These beliefs come from real pain, but a belief can be understandable and still be too absolute.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Healing does not mean forced closeness. It means careful reconnection, beginning with the self.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #RelationalDistancing #ChristianCounseling #MarriageHealing #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 04 | Restoring Your Self Concept and Worth

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400

Week 4 — Recovering Your Self-Concept and Reclaiming Your Worth

This video explores how betrayal trauma affects self-concept, identity, worth, body image, sexual confidence, spiritual peace, and a woman’s ability to trust her own judgment. Betrayal does not only make a woman question her husband. It can make her question herself.

Many betrayed women ask painful questions: Should I have seen it? Was I not enough? Did I fail him? Was I too emotional? Was I not attractive enough? Was I not available enough? Can I trust my own judgment? What does this say about me?

These questions turn the wound inward. Instead of keeping responsibility where it belongs, the pain begins looking for a place to land. For many betrayed women, that place becomes the self.

This video names the whispered lies betrayal often plants: “If I were prettier, he would not have done this.” “If I were more sexual, he would not have betrayed me.” “If I had been a better wife, this would not have happened.” Those thoughts may feel like self-reflection, but underneath they are accusations against worth.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

His choices are not your fault. His betrayal is not your identity. Your worth is not up for debate.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #SelfWorth #ChristianCounseling #InfidelityRecovery #GaslightingRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 03 | Emotional Dysregulation After Betrayal Trauma

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 09:00:00 -0400

Week 3 — The Reactive Cluster: Emotional Dysregulation in Betrayal Trauma

This video explores emotional dysregulation and the reactive cluster in betrayal trauma. After betrayal, many women feel as if their emotions no longer behave the way they used to. A small trigger can produce a large reaction. A tone of voice, a silence, a phone, a delay, or a vague answer can suddenly bring anger, fear, panic, tears, numbness, or shutdown.

Betrayal trauma does not only wound the heart. It also affects the nervous system. When the person who was supposed to be safe becomes the source of danger, the body begins scanning for threat. It listens for tone, watches facial expressions, notices hesitations, tracks phones and closed doors, and responds to anything that feels connected to the old wound.

This video helps explain why trauma is not drama. A trauma response is not a performance. It is the nervous system responding to remembered danger. That does not mean every reaction is healthy or helpful, but it does mean the reaction should be understood before it is condemned.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

The goal is not shame. The goal is awareness, regulation, healing, and recovering the ability to choose your response.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #EmotionalDysregulation #TraumaRecovery #ChristianCounseling #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 02 | Unrelenting Grief in Betrayal Trauma

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 09:00:00 -0400

Week 2 — Unrelenting Grief in Betrayal Trauma

This video explores unrelenting grief in betrayal trauma, the kind of grief that does not move in a straight line or resolve simply because time has passed. Betrayal grief can rise after a good conversation, a difficult conversation, a memory, a song, a smell, a date on the calendar, a phone left on the counter, or an ordinary moment that suddenly feels painful.

Women recovering from betrayal trauma often grieve many losses at once: the marriage they thought they had, the husband they thought they knew, the future they imagined, their sense of safety, their ability to trust, their sexual confidence, their spiritual peace, and the version of themselves who did not have to know any of this. This is why betrayal grief can feel so large. It is not one loss. It is a web of losses.

This video also introduces ambiguous loss, the grief of something being present and absent at the same time. The marriage may still exist, but it does not feel the same. The husband may still be present, but he may no longer feel fully known. The future may still be possible, but it may not yet feel clear.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Your grief is not proof that you are weak. It is proof that something precious was broken and still needs care.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #ChristianCounseling #GriefRecovery #AmbiguousLoss #InfidelityRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

Broken by Betrayal 01 | The Day of Discovery and the Broken Love Story

Tue, 07 Jul 2026 09:00:00 -0400

Week 1 — The Day of Discovery and the Broken Love Story

This video introduces the Day of Discovery, the moment when betrayal trauma begins to change the way a woman sees her marriage, her husband, her memories, her future, and even herself. For some women, discovery comes through a phone, text message, hidden account, browser history, confession, pornography use, infidelity, sexual secrecy, or evidence that was never meant to be found. For others, discovery comes slowly through suspicion, inconsistency, and a growing sense that something is wrong.

Betrayal trauma does not only reveal behavior. It breaks the love story a woman believed she was living. The marriage that once felt safe may suddenly feel unfamiliar. Memories that once felt secure may now feel uncertain. Questions like “Was any of it real?” “How long was this going on?” and “What else don’t I know?” are not small questions. They are reality questions.

To learn whether the program may be right for you, schedule a free 15-minute discovery call or video chat:
https://intakeq.com/booking/tr4gs1?serviceId=ea03faef-0768-431c-a314-d4d5c50221c9

For more options, call 757-965-5450.
Learn more at https://trccounseling.com/

Healing begins when the truth can finally be spoken: something real happened, something important was broken, and your healing matters.

#BrokenByBetrayal #BetrayalTrauma #ChristianCounseling #InfidelityRecovery #PornographyRecovery #MarriageHealing #HealingAfterBetrayal

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 12 - Authoring a New Chapter in Your Story

Sat, 31 Jul 2021 19:00:00 -0400

12. Authoring a New Chapter in Your Story: Reconciliation is one of the most misunderstood aspects of the divorce healing process. Participants will learn that reconciliation can happen even if their marriage is not restored and why it’s important to pursue reconciliation. Reconciling to self comes first, long before you might reconcile to your former spouse and others. Re-friending yourself happens with some strong decisions for you.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 11 - Do Overs: How can I avoid repeating my mistakes?

Sat, 31 Jul 2021 13:00:00 -0400

Do Overs- How can I avoid repeating my mistakes?

Ready to relate-the synergy of relationships: The myth of meeting someone halfway vs a re-frame of what it means to “work” on a relationship). Basing relationships on true love through 1 COR 13: definitions of love: Healthy leadership, expectations defined, accepting people for who they ARE, not who you want them to be or become, functional relationship paradigms, and how to submit to a relationship without being controlled by the relationship.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 10 - How to Forgive and Move On

Fri, 30 Jul 2021 10:00:00 -0400

How to Forgive and Move On. Forgiveness is necessary for you to move forward with life post-divorce. Forgiveness does not mean you are going to re-friend your spouse. But, to be truly free, you must find a way to: Forgive yourself, forgive your ex-spouse, forgive others in order to live life without bondage to anger or spite, without being controlled by bitterness, or consumed with exacting a price for your pain.

Unforgiveness leads to contempt. Contempt is the polar opposite of Love. Love sees the best in others. Contempt sees the worst. In regard to contempt, a client recently reported he had a epiphany into contemptuous behavior (lack of forgiveness and holding grudges). He said, “I realize that treating someone with contempt is an attempt to put a bullet into someone’s heart to make them pay for the hurt I perceive I had suffered from the behavior of another”.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 9 - Being Alone But Not Lonely

Thu, 29 Jul 2021 23:00:00 -0400

Alone by not Lonely. Rejection and abandonment are primary feelings associated with divorce. Others might be sadness, displacement, confusion, shame, betrayal…

When the chain of hurt to anger is not broken, loneliness often fills in the gap left by unresolved needs. Loneliness is not due to the reality of singleness; it is a belief about being single; will I ever find someone new; will I get hurt again if trust again; will anyone every want me; am I actually lovable? Identifying self with loneliness is a recipe for depression and anger. Lonely people tend to repel others, and so the loneliness deepens. The cure for loneliness is to be alone but not lonely. This is something you CAN choose to accomplish.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 8 - Financial Disruption in Dividing a Household

Mon, 26 Jul 2021 09:00:00 -0400

Separation and Divorce is a major predictor of financial crisis (at least in the short run). My favorite professor used to say that divorce (and particularly single parenting) was the number one predictor for poverty among women in America. That statistic may or may not be true in today's economy. It has much to do with the state of your financial security before separation, if you have kids, and if you have a well established career. Never the less, divorce certainly has a devastating impact on most separating and divorced couples. Facing the financial shifts in your life is a must-have discussion. This episode will focus on how you can navigate money during and after separation and divorce.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 7 - Collateral Damage & The Dividing of a Family

Thu, 22 Jul 2021 10:00:00 -0400

Collateral Damage & The Dividing of a Family.

Most effected by divorce are the children of the couple. The age and developmental nature of children varies, but none are unaffected. Even older teens and adult children are impacted psychologically, emotionally, and at times physically. Loyalties are tested and stretched, boundaries are violated, and the people who the child counts on are the ones responsible.
But the greatest damage is visited upon the younger children who are now torn apart as the marriage tears apart. They suffer from ambiguous loss, a unique form of loss that paralyzes the grieving process, threatens the child's sense of security, and forces them into a battle of choosing between two people they are entitled to love without competition.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 6 - Sex and Soul-ties, when Separated or Newly Single

Fri, 16 Jul 2021 09:00:00 -0400

Sex and Soul-ties, when Separated or Newly Single

Its natural to feel lonely after separation or divorce. To suddenly realize that you are now truly alone is sometimes overwhelming. The mind craves significance inside companionship. So, what do many people do, jump back into the dating pool and start to latch on to new people. Others can’t truly let go of their former spouse and have brief physical reconnects, only to regret them later. Nothing makes you feel more alone than being used by someone else, or using them. Sex is a difficult topic for the newly single person. But at what cost are you putting on your future when you keep the old ties going, or create relief ties with others? We will be discussing this major source of pain and confusion and offer some guidance for healthy healing.

• Sex when separated, injecting more confusion into crisis.

• Sex after separation-soul ties and unhealthy avoidance. (amplifies ambiguity)

• The single life and sexual relationships (dating, sex, neediness, self-value)

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 5 Being Responsible To, not Responsible For Others

Tue, 13 Jul 2021 07:00:00 -0400

Being Responsible to, not responsible for others.
Often before, during, and after divorce, the conflict drives us all into wanting to help the other person be better, to heal faster, to take on responsibility for self, to create forgiveness, to offer solace, or to take on emotional content for the other person.
Being responsible for another is taking on the responsibility or ownership of the other persons success in the marriage, or their recognition of the damage is so tempting. Then there is the drive to making things better for them to help us be better. All of these boundary crossings put you at risk and do not help the situation.
This very necessary episode is presented to help divorcing persons get free of the trap that the unhealthy spouse sets, or if you are the one who is unhealthy, how to let go of blame-shift and control.
Some talking points:

• Do not apologize or take on responsibility for things you are not responsible for.

• Take ownership of what you are responsible for.

• Understand how someone might be affected by you, even if you did not intend harm, and be willing and able to acknowledge this, without taking on blame.

• Know the difference, and how to respond.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 4 Is it a Boundary or is it Control?

Fri, 09 Jul 2021 06:00:00 -0400

Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships. A boundary tell you where you stop, and others begin. Boundaries well enforced tell others where they must stop, so they don’t intrude on you.

People with week, poor, rigid, or unidirectional boundaries have difficulty maintaining a relationship.

Often, in couples’ conflict there is a direct correlation between boundary maintenance and unresolved conflict. E.g. if one party feels that they have the right to tell others what to do or how to do it, then there is no boundary for respecting the autonomy of other people. This often leads to nagging, controlling, criticizing, contempt language, anger, etc. The transgression of boundaries against another person will likely result in resentment, push back, anger, hurt, fear, and other reactive feelings.

Boundaries protect you from being intruded upon by self-focused others and prevent you from intruding upon others for your own selfish reasons….

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 3 Anger-Bitterness-Rage

Fri, 09 Jul 2021 06:00:00 -0400

Put a Stop to Depression & Aggression.

Anger is an Expression of Hurt

Anger is an expression of hurt, which can often be fear that the hurt will continue.

The tough truth is, marriage is the melding of two people into a unified new creation-the couple. Divorce rips you apart. When you divorce, regardless of the reason, you must rip that new creation apart. The result is not two neat and tidy individuals again, but two people with ragged edges.

Illustrate with conjoined twins who are surgically separated. There will be a scar, likely an ugly one, and in most cases, reconstruction continues over time and as healing make the new individual stronger.

Anger typically follows an identifiable transition from a core feeling being triggered, followed by feeling hurt, progressing to anger, and if left unresolved, winds up externalized as rage (aggression), internalized as bitterness (depression), or both.

Anger drives Depression or Aggression

Whether turned inward, outward, or everywhere at once, anger is an expression of the unrepaired core hurt. By knowing that source, you can defeat the anger and restore personal peace, regardless of your ex/spouse’s choices.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 2 Healing is a Process

Fri, 09 Jul 2021 06:00:00 -0400

Healing the trauma of divorce begins with understanding and accepting what is happening, and then doing your best to become navigate the demands of divorce. Divorce is the tearing apart of a conjoined life, rending it, separating it, and leaving scars.

Like any other major loss in life, divorce requires grieving. Even when the divorce is chosen or desired, there will be loss. Whenever a loss has meaning, grief will activate. Grief is the cognitive-emotional process of reconciling a loss, encountering the new (often painful) reality, and finding a new definition in self and life to move into the future. The dual process of grief is to feel, understand, an honor the feelings, learn to accept the limits of where you have power to control versus when you must accept, and restoring your life’s vision. This process is compelled in the individual. It is not a choice. It is different for everyone in detail and scope, but ultimately it must be embraced if the individual is to progress from hurt to health. Avoiding the process is to lock a life into a perpetual grief cycle, which in turn affects all relationship into the future. In counseling, this is often referred to the second divorce, divorcing oneself from any future functional relationships due to an unwillingness or inability to move beyond the conflict.

The Struggle of Divorce: Part 1-Making the Intolerable Tolerable

Thu, 01 Jul 2021 10:00:00 -0400

In this first episode of our 12-part series on divorce, Dr Chuck and his guest specialists discuss how to make the intolerable grief of divorce tolerable so that you can begin to get past the grief and reestablish a life.

Divorce triggers a major grief similar to the death of a loved one. For many, facing a divorce is intolerable, even when necessary. The grief can become intense, debilitating, and all encompassing. Big losses trigger the process of grief. The intensity of grief is determined by the intensity of the special meaning you felt for the person or the thing that you have lost.

Host: Dr Chuck Carrington, Guests: Kathy Ahearn, veteran facilitator at Divorcecare.org, and Dr James Strickland, Divorce care facilitator.