Conversations from the Heart

#144 - Why We Become Guarded, and How We Might Soften

Mon, 04 May 2026 06:00:00 -0400

How do you respond when someone you love says they feel guarded around you?

Carol’s question about how to start a difficult conversation quickly reveals something deeper: a long history of sibling dynamics, childhood wounds, and the painful feeling of being the less-loved child.

Together, we unpack what guardedness really is, why it forms, and how resentment, longing, and the need to feel loved can all live just beneath the surface.

This conversation is an invitation to move beyond trying to change others—and instead begin the deeper work of understanding ourselves, softening our defenses, and creating the conditions where something new might emerge.

Listen to learn:

• Why guardedness in relationships is often mutual—even when it doesn’t seem that way

• How resentment can keep others “on the hook” and quietly block connection

• Why healing relational wounds requires more than insight—it requires new relational experiences

#143 - Healing in a Fix-It Culture

Mon, 27 Apr 2026 06:00:00 -0400

In this episode, I speak with two callers whose stories reveal a powerful tension many of us live inside: trying to heal in a culture that wants to fix us.

Kate struggles with crying that shows up quickly in conversations and professional settings. Her inner critic tells her this means something is wrong with her. Together we explore a different possibility: that tears may be the nervous system’s way of releasing pain and restoring balance.

Shelly’s story reveals another layer of the same dynamic. After years of trauma and nervous system dysregulation, she longs for empathy and understanding from her husband, but instead encounters pressure, misunderstanding, and cultural shame around emotional struggle. We explore what it means to pursue healing when the people closest to us may not understand the journey.

These conversations point to a deeper truth: many of the emotional responses we’ve been taught to suppress are actually the body’s natural attempts to heal.

Learning to trust those signals, and to create space for our own healing path, can change everything.

Listen to learn:

• Why crying and emotional release are often signs of healing, not weakness

• How shame around emotions gets reinforced by culture, family, and relationships

• How fix-it thinking can unintentionally block emotional healing

• What to do when the people around you don’t understand your healing journey

Read more on the blog: Healing in a Fix-It Culture

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#142 - Why We Get Defensive, and What to Do Instead

Mon, 20 Apr 2026 06:00:00 -0400

Why do we get defensive in conversations with the people we care about?

Sometimes defensiveness looks like arguing or pushing back. But it can also show up in quieter ways—freezing when someone makes a request, explaining ourselves over and over, or trying to control the situation so we don’t feel uncomfortable.

In this episode, I explore two common relational moments: one where someone freezes when a request is made, and another where a couple gets caught in defensiveness and subtle power struggles around autonomy and values.

Defensiveness isn’t something “bad” about us. It’s a form of self-protection. Our nervous system is trying to protect something important—our dignity, our autonomy, our belonging.

The question isn’t how to eliminate defensiveness.

The question is how we can learn to work with it in ways that create more understanding and connection.

Read more on the blog.

Listen to Learn

• Why defensiveness often shows up as freezing, explaining, or controlling rather than arguing

• How to respond skillfully when requests trigger a defensive reaction

• A simple shift that helps conversations move from power struggles to understanding

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#141 - Is it Possible to Stay Friends With My Ex?

Mon, 13 Apr 2026 06:00:00 -0400

Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do after a breakup is not to force a friendship too quickly.

Because friendship requires emotional neutrality… and if our nervous system still recognizes the other person as home, we have a mismatch.

In this episode of Conversations from the Heart, a listener named Dave asks a thoughtful question: Is it possible to stay friends with an ex—and if so, what makes it work?

Dave and his former partner went through a conscious uncoupling process and are now attempting to rebuild their relationship as friends. But as they reconnect, they find themselves slipping back into familiar patterns that once strained their romantic partnership.

Dave wonders whether there might be blind spots in how he’s showing up—and whether understanding those blind spots could help them move forward with more ease. Ultimately, we arrive at a hard truth: You cannot create a low-intensity friendship with someone whose nervous system still experiences you as an attachment figure.

In this episode we explore:

•Can exes really stay friends after a breakup?

•Why emotional timelines rarely match after relationships end

•How attachment wounds can keep relational patterns alive

•The difference between observing a situation and participating in it

•Why intention and impact can feel so different in communication

•The challenge of staying authentic without over-managing another person’s emotions

•Boundaries, grief, and emotional “dosage” after a breakup

Read more on the blog: Is it Possible to Stay Friends With My Ex?

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#140 - What Matters When the Rules Fall Away

Mon, 06 Apr 2026 06:00:00 -0400

Listen as I sit down with Michaela and Carol for a spacious, grounded conversation about what matters most when certainty falls away.

Rather than rushing toward answers, our dialogue unfolds slowly. You’ll hear me modeling deep listening, encouraging more relational maturity, and drawing on our courage to stay present with complexity. Together, we explore how our values are often clarified not through rules or scripts, but instead through our attention, integrity, and lived experience.

This episode isn’t about fixing anything. It’s about listening for what matters, for what wants to emerge, and for what becomes possible when we stay human together.

Read more on the blog.

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#139 - Living With Grief That Doesn't Go Away

Mon, 30 Mar 2026 06:00:00 -0400

This week's episode is a conversation about grief as an ongoing, relational experience rather than something to “get over.” In this episode, we explore ambiguous loss, nervous system capacity, and what actually helps when grief doesn’t resolve neatly.

Together, we reflect on:

•Why some forms of grief don’t have clear endings—and why that’s not a failure

•How grief lives in the nervous system and shapes our capacity for connection

•The difference between presence and fixing when someone is grieving

•What it means to stay human, relational, and honest in the presence of loss

This episode invites a slower, more compassionate way of being with grief, one that honors presence over solutions, and meaning over closure.

Read more about grief and ambiguous loss: Grief That Doesn't Resolve

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#138 - The Relational Leadership Field Guide

Mon, 23 Mar 2026 06:00:00 -0400

Relational leadership isn’t people-pleasing and it isn’t weakness.

In this episode, we explore how to lead with empathy and clarity in high-stakes professional settings. Through two real leadership scenarios involving negotiation and supervision, we unpack how to stay relational without over-giving, avoid power struggles, and focus conversations on impact, responsibility, and shared outcomes.

This is a grounded, practical look at empathy as a leadership skill, not a personality trait.

In this episode, we explore:

Why empathic leadership is not codependence, people-pleasing, or self-betrayal
How to negotiate boundaries, fees, and expectations without defensiveness or guilt
What to do when a supervisory relationship is strained and performance still matters
How shifting from personality to observable behaviors restores authority and reduces conflict

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#137 - Loving Someone in Crisis Without Losing Yourself

Mon, 16 Mar 2026 06:00:00 -0400

What do you do when caring for someone in crisis starts to cost you your health, your sleep, and your sense of self?

Today we explore one of the most painful and complex relational dilemmas: how to stay loving and connected with a family member who is suffering, without becoming the container for their pain or sacrificing our own wellbeing.

A listener brings a raw and deeply human question about boundaries with a grieving, traumatized family member who refuses professional help. Together, we unpack the difference between compassion and enabling, support and self-erasure, love and responsibility.

This conversation offers permission where many of us feel trapped by guilt, and clarity where fear and helplessness blur our choices.

You’ll hear how boundaries can be an act of care, how stepping back can be an invitation rather than an abandonment, and why holding someone’s potential may sometimes be more loving than holding their pain.

Key Topics We Explore:

•When emotional support turns into burnout

•Why you can’t heal someone who won’t co-create their healing

•How to step back without walking away

•Boundaries as an act of care, not rejection

•Releasing responsibility while staying connected

Interested in reading more? Find a Companion Guide on the blog.

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#136 - How to Stay Grounded When Someone Criticizes You

Mon, 09 Mar 2026 06:00:00 -0400

Does your body tighter when someone criticizes you? Do you start apologizing or over-explaining before you’ve even thought it through?

In this insightful episode, Jaya brings two powerful stories that reveal how early experiences of contempt and correction still live in her nervous system today.

Together, we unpack what happens inside when criticism feels dangerous, and how to work with the shame, fear, and self-blame that so often follow.

We explore the difference between criticism and contempt, how to separate observation from interpretation, and how to develop “pushback energy” instead of collapsing into appeasement.

If you’ve ever left a conversation replaying every word, wondering what you did wrong, this one will bring a breath of compassion and clarity.

Read more on the blog.

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#135 - Caretaking vs. Compassion

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 06:00:00 -0500

What’s the line between loving someone and losing yourself in the process?

This week, we explore the subtle differences between caretaking and compassion.

Khanyilanga wrestles with how to set loving boundaries with a friend struggling with addiction, while Kate faces the fear of hurting others when she speaks her truth.

Together, their stories reveal how easily our empathy can become entanglement, and how to reclaim grounded compassion rooted in honesty, respect, and self-trust.

Listen to learn:

•How to set boundaries without guilt or blame

•Why empathy doesn’t mean self-abandonment

•How to stay calm when others take your limits personally

•How to rebuild safety in your nervous system after relational trauma

If you’ve ever wondered where kindness ends and enabling begins, this episode will bring you home to a more balanced, liberated love.

Read more on the blog.

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#134 - How to Let Go When You Still Love Them

Mon, 23 Feb 2026 06:00:00 -0500

In this episode of Conversations from the Heart, we explore one of the most bewildering dynamics in adult relationships: when we find ourselves deeply attached to someone who simply cannot meet us where we are.

Even when our minds know the relationship isn’t mutual or nourishing, parts of us keep circling back: longing, hoping, checking the “well” for water that isn’t there.

Through a heartfelt exchange with Judith, we trace how these patterns often have their roots in early attachment wounds. We talk about how our younger parts, the child that still wants to be seen, the teenager who still hopes someone will change, can unconsciously run the show, even in our most adult moments. And we explore how to bring loving awareness to those inner parts, to let them grieve, and to gently reorient toward relationships that feel reciprocal, alive, and truly safe.

This conversation is for anyone who has ever felt confused about why letting go feels so hard, even when you “know better.” It’s about learning the difference between codependence and interdependence, between trying to fix others and truly caring for ourselves, and finding peace in the knowing that healing doesn’t mean we stop needing people; it means we learn how to choose the ones who can meet us there.

Read more on the blog.

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#133 - How to Help Kids (And Ourselves) Do Hard Things

Mon, 16 Feb 2026 06:00:00 -0500

This conversation invites us to explore one of the deepest lessons in emotional maturity: learning to be in relationship with our feelings without being ruled by them.

Through a heartfelt dialogue about parenting, school anxiety, and our own patterns of overwhelm, we discover that the path to growing up isn’t about avoiding what’s hard, but about developing a loving and steady relationship with the “vehicle” we live in: our body, our emotions, and our lived experience.

We walk through the tender terrain of a parent’s grief and a child’s avoidance, uncovering how easily love can turn into enabling, and how empathy can lose its grounding without boundaries.

Together, we explore what it means to help a child, and ourselves, build strength from discomfort, rather than collapse in its presence. This episode is a compassionate reminder that our feelings are sacred messengers, but they are not the drivers. We are.

Listen to learn:

•How to find the line between empathy and enabling

•What the Zone of Proximal Development means for emotional growth

•How to stay attuned to your child’s unique pace and capacities

•Why discomfort, not avoidance, is the soil for confidence

•How to model agency and resilience for your kids (and yourself)

Read more on the blog.

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#132 - Reconnecting After Years of Conflict, Criticism, and Emotional Withdrawal

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 06:00:00 -0500

When life has hurt us enough times, our hearts learn to protect themselves.

We grow cautious. Controlled. We tell ourselves we’re being “realistic,” when really, we’re just afraid to be hurt again.

In this week’s episode, I talk with Cody, a woman learning how to reconnect with her husband after years of criticism, conflict, and silence. Together, we explore what it truly takes to soften the walls that once kept them each safe, but now keep love out.

Listen to learn:

•How self-protection turns into emotional isolation

•What it means to shift from “negative peace” (avoiding conflict) to real peace (rooted in connection)

•Why awareness of tension is the first step to healing

•How to speak to your partner from vulnerability instead of defense

•Simple phrases that help reopen trust after years of guarding

If your heart has grown cautious, this conversation will remind you: softness isn’t weakness. It’s the quiet courage to love again.

Read more on the blog.

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#131 - When Anger Drives

Tue, 03 Feb 2026 06:00:00 -0500

What if anger didn’t have to be a threat to love, and vulnerability didn’t mean weakness?

This week we begin with a moment many of us recognize: a flash of road rage, a surge of intensity, a body flooded with energy. Beneath moments like these, something deeper is often asking for care and understanding.

Colleen joins me to explore her concern for her husband, whose driving behavior has become frightening amid health stress and unspoken emotional strain. Together, we slow the moment down and look beneath the surface. We explore how many men are socialized to equate strength with control, leaving anger as the only emotion that feels permissible, while fear, grief, and vulnerability go underground.

Rather than treating anger as something to suppress or control, we reimagine it as a powerful messenger pointing toward values, care, and aliveness. This conversation offers a compassionate redefinition of strength: not as emotional armor, but as the inner resilience that allows us to stay connected in moments of intensity.

A thoughtful exploration of anger, vulnerability, and what it takes to build relationships that can hold the full spectrum of our emotional lives.

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#130 - Understanding Stigma: How Judgment Replaces Empathy

Mon, 26 Jan 2026 06:00:00 -0500

We all carry invisible stories about what it means to be a “good person,” a “hard worker,” or someone who has truly earned what they have.

But what happens when we meet someone who doesn’t fit those stories? Someone living on disability income, or needing more support than we think they should?

This week, we explore the quiet judgments and discomfort that can arise when we encounter difference. We look at how domination culture trains us to equate worth with productivity, independence with virtue, and need with failure, and how shame and stigma keep us disconnected from our shared humanity.

This conversation invites a gentler, more honest inquiry into what judgment is protecting, and how we can stay connected without defensiveness, superiority, or pity. As we widen the lens, we also question the systems themselves: What if the problem isn’t the individual who needs help, but the structures that withhold care?

A reflective exploration of judgment, dignity, and interdependence and an invitation to imagine human-centered systems rooted in empathy, cooperation, and the meeting of real human needs.

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#129 - How to Stay Grounded When Someone’s Coming in Hot

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 06:00:00 -0500

What happens in you when someone comes at you with intensity?

Do you freeze, go blank, lose your words, or start doubting yourself?

We explore what it means to stay grounded when another person’s energy feels too hot to handle by talking with Kate, who finds herself going into freeze mode when someone else’s intensity rises and tone sharpens. Together, we explore how to meet our shutdown responses with awareness instead of judgment, seeing them as wisdom, not weakness.

Afterwards, Josie brings up a nuanced distinction: What’s the difference between asking for what we need and demanding someone change? Where’s the line between honest self-expression and control?

We’ll tease apart how to speak truthfully without blame, how to hold boundaries without closing your heart, and how to stay in integrity even when things get intense.

If you’ve ever longed to stay calm, clear, and connected when someone else is coming in hot, this one’s for you.

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#128 - How to Interrupt When They Talk Too Much

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 06:00:00 -0500

Ever find yourself trapped in a conversation that feels endless, feeling your energy draining as someone keeps talking and talking?

Today we explore how to stay kind, connected, and honest while trying to interrupt.

We unpack the hidden fears that keep us quiet (fear of rejection, fear of being rude) and the old “be a good person” conditioning that often silences our truth.

You’ll learn how to interrupt without guilt, speak from authenticity instead of irritation, and transform draining conversations into moments of genuine connection.

Listen to discover:

•Why “being nice” can block real honesty

•What to say when your attention drifts and you want to re-engage

•How to recognize when someone’s over-talking because they’re trying to process pain

•Simple phrases that bring both people back into connection

Listen in for a gentle, empowering guide if you’ve ever felt stuck between caring for others and caring for yourself.

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#127 - What to Say When Fear is Reading Rejection (that may not be there)

Mon, 05 Jan 2026 06:00:00 -0500

Fear loves to make up stories, especially about rejection.

In this episode, Jodi and Jen bring us into real moments of reaching out, risking love, and meeting old anxieties with new courage.

We explore how fear distorts reality, how feedback loops restore truth, and how connection deepens when we stop believing every story our mind tells.

If you’ve ever hesitated to reach out because you were afraid of being unwanted, this episode will help you pause, soften, and see with clearer eyes.

Listen to find out …

How to tell when fear is lying
What to say when you’re afraid to reach out
Why nothing has to change for everything to feel different

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#126 - Want Someone to Be More Emotionally Available to You?

Mon, 29 Dec 2025 06:00:00 -0500

If you’ve ever found yourself wishing your partner would just open up, this conversation will speak directly to your heart.

In this intimate episode, Nina brings forward a question many of us quietly wrestle with: What do I do when I crave emotional connection and my partner keeps pulling away?

Together, we explore the anxious–avoidant cycle: that painful push-and-pull dynamic where one nervous system reaches for closeness while the other needs distance to feel safe. I will unpack why these patterns aren’t personal failings, but nervous system strategies wired for survival.

You’ll learn:

Why your longing for connection can trigger another’s need for space
How to stop personalizing disconnection and start regulating your own system
The difference between managing someone and revealing yourself
How patriarchy teaches men to suppress emotions, and how reclaiming feelings heals us all

This episode offers insight, compassion, and gentle guidance for anyone learning how to love without losing themselves.

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#125 - When Saying "No" Brings Up Old Fears

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 06:00:00 -0500

Why does saying no make your heart race?

Why can honesty feel like risk?

This episode explores what happens when boundaries stir up the old fear of losing love. Paul learns how a simple process check can bring kindness to endings, while Jereme discovers how early lessons about punishment and approval still shape her adult relationships.

If self-advocacy makes you anxious, this conversation will help you find truth and tenderness in the same breath.

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#124 - When You’re Doing All The Emotional Labor

Mon, 15 Dec 2025 06:00:00 -0500

In this week's conversation, Vanessa brings forward the pain of a friendship that feels increasingly one-sided. Together, we explore the difference between situational limits and structural limits in relationships, how to trust the “data” we receive when others shut down, and the grief that comes with realizing we may be doing too much emotional labor.

We explore how to discern when to keep engaging, when to step back, and how to communicate desires for mutuality without blame. We also look at why some people can talk the talk of empathy yet still struggle to walk it in relationships. And, how to honor our own boundaries when reciprocity is missing.

Listener Takeaways

•Learn how to interpret someone’s emotional shutdowns as information about capacity rather than a reflection on your delivery.

•Recognize the signs of over-functioning in friendships and how to stop carrying all the emotional labor.

•Practice asking direct but compassionate questions that clarify whether mutuality is truly present.

•Understand the developmental stages of NVC practice and why some people can use the tools for their own needs but not yet offer reciprocity.

•Embrace grief as a necessary step when relationships aren’t mutual, while keeping your heart open to future possibilities.

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#123 - They Took Out the Line About Me

Mon, 08 Dec 2025 06:00:00 -0500

When Nancy learned that her niece had removed a single sentence from a family speech, one that acknowledged Nancy’s marriage and presence, it triggered a wave of old pain. What may seem like a small omission unearthed decades of erasure, advocacy, and exhaustion.

In this deeply moving conversation, we explore how one personal moment of being edited out becomes a microcosm of much larger cultural shifts. As stories of marginalized people are quietly removed from government websites, training programs, and public institutions, Nancy’s family moment reflects a collective trend: what gets remembered, and what gets deleted, is never neutral.

Together, we navigate the emotional toll of invisibility, the weight of lifelong advocacy, and the tender discernment it takes to speak up with care. Whether you’ve been left out of the story, or left someone else out, this episode offers a powerful invitation to return ourselves, and each other, to the circle.

Listener Takeaways:

•Erasure may not be loud,but it’s deeply impactful. Small omissions can reactivate deep emotional wounds, especially for those historically marginalized.

•Silence isn’t neutral. Bystanders and witnesses have power, too. A lack of acknowledgment can deepen the harm.

•Discernment is key. Speaking up doesn’t always mean confronting the whole crowd. Often, one honest conversation is what opens the door to healing.

•Advocacy fatigue is real. Especially for elders who’ve carried this work for decades. There’s wisdom in knowing how to keep showing up in ways that preserve your energy and dignity.

•Returning non-love with love is an act of sovereignty. It’s not about people-pleasing: it’s about transforming disconnection into care without abandoning yourself.

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#122 - When Correction Feels Like Criticism

Mon, 01 Dec 2025 06:00:00 -0500

What do you do when someone corrects you publicly, and their tone stings more than their words?

In this episode, Tarjia brings a deeply relatable dilemma: how to respond in the moment when someone interrupts, “clarifies,” or subtly shames you, especially when it’s someone in a leadership role. Together, we explore real-time language tools, nervous system regulation strategies, and relational repair practices.

This isn’t just about one group dynamic or one conversation: it’s about how to reclaim your voice when subtle power moves leave you feeling dismissed, small, or confused.

Whether you’ve ever felt stung by someone’s tone, shut down by an interruption, or unsure how to set boundaries without creating more conflict, this episode is for you.

SHOW NOTES

In this episode, we explore:

•What to say in the moment when someone interrupts or corrects you

•How to distinguish between your wise adult self and reactive younger parts

•Why certain tones of voice can feel shaming, even when the content seems neutral

•How to use the It sounds like… is that true? tool to re-center and clarify

•What to do when someone flips your feedback back onto you (that’s your issue)

•How to stay grounded in your dignity even when someone steps into a one-up position

•The emotional cost of always trying to care for others at your own expense

•What it really means to slow down for your most tender parts

Bonus: We also walk through a sample script for initiating a repair conversation without blame, without defensiveness, and without abandoning yourself.

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#121- How to love a parent who rejects your help

Mon, 24 Nov 2025 06:00:00 -0500

What do we do when the person who raised us is now emotionally volatile, resistant to help, and unintentionally casting us as the villain when we try to care for them?

In this heartfelt conversation, Diana brings forward the tender, painful challenge of loving her aging mother, who struggles with emotional regulation, trauma, and shame, and the deep inner conflict between wanting to offer support and needing to protect her own nervous system.

Together, we unpack:

•The emotional cost of parentification and role reversal

•How to stop being your parent’s regulator, therapist, or emotional manager

•What boundaries look like when withdrawal isn’t abandonment

•The grief and guilt that emerge when we start living our own lives

•Why “staying kind” sometimes means stepping away

If you’ve ever struggled with guilt around setting boundaries, or felt trapped between compassion and exhaustion in your family, this one’s for you.

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#120 - It’s Not About the Chocolate: How to Stay Whole When You Feel Talked Down To

Mon, 17 Nov 2025 06:00:00 -0500

In this episode, Sarah brings a heartfelt and tender question: How do I talk to a friend who shifts from playful connection to subtle moralizing which often causes me to feel infantilized and shut down?

What follows is a rich, layered exploration of how covert control and unconscious superiority can sneak into even our most well-meaning relationships. We unpack the difference between tone-setting and mutual consent, how to reclaim subjectivity without blame, and the deep emotional wound that gets poked when others make decisions for us instead of with us.

And yes, it all begins with chocolate.

Listener Takeaways:

•Why “I just wanted more chocolate” can be code for “I want to matter”

•How to recognize internalized domination programming in ourselves and others

•How to speak up when someone imposes their worldview or preferences on the group

•Practical scripts for initiating a non-defensive, heart-connected conversation about painful dynamics

•How to share emotional vulnerability without over-exposing or collapsing

•Why self-revealing without moralizing is a powerful act of liberation

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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For ongoing practice and deeper learning, I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection.

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#119 - How to Talk to Your Emotionally Unsafe Parent

Mon, 10 Nov 2025 06:00:00 -0500

What do you do when every conversation with a parent leaves you feeling erased, criticized, or shut down, but walking away feels like betrayal?

In this raw and tender coaching session, we meet Suzanne, who’s struggling to navigate contact with her mother: a woman who routinely gaslights her, shuts down difficult topics, and prioritizes her own emotional comfort over honest connection. Suzanne wants to be seen. She also wants to stay safe. And in her family, those two things feel mutually exclusive.

We explore:

•The heartbreak of being unseen by a parent you still long to connect with.

•The nervous system impact of childhood emotional silencing, and why it still flares in adulthood.

•How to say “I don’t feel safe talking right now” without guilt.

•What to do when someone turns your feelings into personal attacks.

•And how to develop scripts that mirror instead of merge, so you can stay true to yourself in hard conversations.

If you’ve ever felt trapped in a role that doesn’t fit, or stuck in a pattern that leaves you numb, enraged, or ashamed, this one’s for you.

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#118 - How to Talk About Your Partner’s Driving (Without Starting a Fight)

Mon, 03 Nov 2025 18:00:00 -0500

In this intimate coaching conversation, Colleen brings a familiar dilemma: her husband drives too fast for her nervous system to handle. She doesn’t want to control him, but she does want to feel safe. Together, we unpack how to name her limits without moralizing, how to invite collaboration instead of compliance, and how to speak from care rather than critique.

Key Takeaways for Listeners:

•Boundaries are not about controlling others. They’re about naming what you are or are not available for.

•To foster buy-in, shift from You’re wrong to This doesn’t work for my nervous system.

•Compassionate communication can include honest judgments, especially when they arise from fear and care.

•Sharing your vulnerabilities can diffuse tension and build understanding faster than logic or critique.

•Collaborative planning (in calm moments) is often more effective than reactive correction (in hot moments).

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#117 - How to Cope When Your Partner Isn’t Emotionally Supportive

Mon, 27 Oct 2025 06:00:00 -0400

In this heartfelt and courageous coaching conversation, Prerana brings forward a question so many of us have quietly carried: How much need is too much in a relationship? And what do we do when our emotional needs are met with kind words but little follow-through?

Together, we unpack the gap between good intentions and sustainable intimacy, the heartbreak of feeling like a “complainer” just for wanting closeness, and the painful confusion of loving someone who’s not meeting us where we long to be met.

Key questions explored:

•How do I communicate needs without overwhelming my partner?

•Can someone really change, or are they just trying to appease me?

•What do I do when I feel more like a best friend or roommate than a romantic partner?

•How do I discern whether to stay or go when there’s no malice, just misalignment?

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#116 - How to Vet Your Future Son-in-Law (Without Scaring Him Off)

Mon, 20 Oct 2025 06:00:00 -0400

In this heartfelt coaching call, Nina wrestles with two layered questions:

1.How can I have an honest, meaningful conversation with the boy my daughter is dating, without overwhelming or intimidating him?

2.How do I stay emotionally attuned and supportive to my older daughter who might feel left behind when her younger sister gets engaged first?

Together, we explore what it means to assess someone’s emotional maturity: not by lecturing or preaching, but by creating relational moments that reveal their capacity for humility, self-awareness, and connection. Nina learns to shift from “explaining what matters” to “asking questions that reveal,” including storytelling prompts that elicit vulnerability, repair orientation, and conflict navigation style.

Then we transition to her fear about her older daughter’s emotional reaction to the younger sibling’s engagement. We unpack the cultural and personal sensitivities involved, and I offer a powerful shift: lead with presence, not performance. Ask before reassuring. Witness before reframing. Allow emotional truth to be spoken without trying to fix it.

Listener Takeaways

•How to assess emotional maturity in someone without coming off as judgmental or overbearing

•Conversation starters that reveal someone’s approach to conflict, power struggles, and personal growth

•The difference between performing connection and living it

•How to support adult children through complex sibling dynamics

•Why “fixing” someone’s feelings can feel like disapproval, and what to do instead

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#115 - How to Set Boundaries with Judgmental People

Mon, 13 Oct 2025 06:00:00 -0400

When someone you live with, or love, keeps judging you, how do you protect your peace without shutting down or blowing up?

In this raw and relatable episode, Heather brings a question many of us have quietly carried: How do I set clear boundaries with someone who keeps making subtle (or not-so-subtle) digs at my character?

We unpack what it means to hold your ground when you’re being criticized, misunderstood, or dismissed, and how to stop absorbing other people’s projections as personal truths.

Listener Takeaways:

•Scripts for responding to judgment without defensiveness or collapse

•How to hear criticism as information, not identity

•Why trying to teach people how to treat you rarely works

•What to do when you’re tempted to just leave but want to grow instead

•How to stop explaining yourself and start protecting your peace

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#114 - How to Say No Without Guilt

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 06:00:00 -0400

When someone you care about is in crisis, how do you say “no” without guilt? In this episode, Julia brings a powerful, relatable question: how do I set a kind but clear boundary with a friend who wants to move into my space indefinitely?

What unfolds is a rich conversation about friendship, emotional safety, and the difference between care and over-responsibility. We explore what to say when someone “trauma dumps,” how to set boundaries without turning it into a negotiation, and how to stop absorbing others’ emotional projections.

We also talk about what happens when you’re the one being “cut off,” and how to have hard conversations earlier, before resentment builds up.

Listener Takeaways:

•Language for setting kind, non-negotiable boundaries.

•What to do when someone guilts you for not showing up the way they want.

•How to hold your ground when someone weaponizes past generosity.

•A loving reframe for this common myth: If I can’t meet your need, I must be a bad friend.

•Tips for inviting safer, more mutual friendships (from both ends).

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#113 - How to Cope When Your Partner Isn’t Emotionally Supportive

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What do you do when you’re bursting with excitement, vulnerability, or a creative new idea, only to be met with silence, critique, or defensiveness from the person you love? In this heartfelt conversation, Liza brings forward the quiet grief of being in a relationship that lacks emotional accompaniment. Together, we explore the lived experience of trying to stay joyful, expressive, and connected when your partner just isn’t available in the way your heart longs for.

We unpack the deeper patterns at play, from relational trauma to the impact of neurodivergence, and identify both internal and external resources that can bring relief. This episode offers real tools for navigating relational misattunement, protecting your spark, and finding connection even when your current environment doesn’t support it.

If you’ve ever wondered how to keep showing up with warmth and wisdom when your needs go unmet, this one is for you.

Show Notes:

•The subtle heartbreak of emotional disconnection

•Why critique from a partner can feel so deflating

•How CPTSD and autism can impact relational communication

•Tools for externalizing emotion (the power of feelings/needs sheets!)

•Why “I need acknowledgement” may not work—and what to say instead

•Turning blame into gold: Translating criticism into needs

•How financial dependence complicates emotional honesty

•Building your own sources of joy, support, and co-regulation

•What to do when your partner doesn’t “join” you emotionally

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#112 - Is it a Question or a Trap?

Mon, 22 Sep 2025 06:00:00 -0400

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a question that didn’t feel like a genuine invitation but more like a setup? In this week’s episode, we explore the subtle difference between open-hearted curiosity and covert control in our conversations.

First, we hear from Tarjia, who’s navigating interactions that leave her feeling dismissed, startled, or unsure what to say, especially when comments come cloaked in snark or when her mother’s questions feel like emotional landmines. Together, we explore how to recognize the moment you’re no longer in a shared reality and how to gently reclaim your footing without collapsing into silence or defensiveness.

Then, Selina joins with a tender dilemma: how to stay relational with a close friend whose intensity sometimes overwhelms her nervous system. She’s not trying to criticize or abandon, but she’s also trying not to lie. We unpack the inner tangle of judgment, empathy, and responsibility that arises when one person’s vulnerability feels like another’s emotional burden.

This episode is for anyone who’s ever frozen mid-conversation, questioned their own reactions, or struggled to say the true thing kindly. Listen to the end for concrete language to use when you feel trapped by tone, startled by a request, or unsure how to hold your own internal reactions with grace.

Show Notes:

•The hidden agenda behind “loaded questions” and how to name it gently.

•Why your mind goes blank when someone says something “smart-ass” in a certain tone and how to recover mid-moment.

•How to spot the difference between performance and presence in a conversation.

•One phrase you can use when someone projects their feelings onto you and expects agreement.

•How to stay kind and honest when you’re afraid the truth might hurt someone you care about.

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#111 - What Does it Really Mean To Meet Our Own Needs?

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 06:00:00 -0400

In this touching and insightful conversation, Patrice returns to share an update on her ongoing journey of self-trust, relational clarity, and emotional healing. After creating space from a previous relationship that couldn’t meet her needs, she reflects on patterns of seeking connection in unavailable places, and the surprising grief that can arise even in the presence of new joy and ease. Together, we explore the nuanced process of discerning what it really means to meet our own needs in relationship, not in isolation.

Listen to hear a powerful metaphor about sitting in the sun to illuminate our active role in seeking strategies and environments that help us flourish, without slipping into self-blame or control. The episode highlights the paradoxical healing that can happen when joy brings our old pain into sharper focus, and reminds us that ease, play, and connection are not luxuries: they are pathways home.

Key Takeaways:

1.Self-trust is not all-or-nothing: it can be practiced on a continuum and deepened through lived experiences.

2.Grief often arises after joy, as we finally feel the contrast between past deprivation and present nourishment.

3.We are co-creators in meeting our needs, not passive recipients or isolated islands.

4.Ease and play can feel foreign at first, but are vital indicators of healing environments.

5.Healthy relationship dynamics aren’t about forcing others to change, but about choosing where we bring our longing.

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#110 - When Your Adult Child Pulls Away (and You’re Left in the Dark)

Mon, 08 Sep 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What do you do when you’ve poured your heart into being a better parent, and your adult child still keeps you at arm’s length?

In today’s heartfelt (and heart-heavy) coaching conversation, we sit with Josie: a mother navigating the complex grief of feeling used, dismissed, and emotionally exiled by her daughter.

Despite years of inner work and a deep desire to connect, Josie finds herself hurt and unsure: Should she take space? Should she block her daughter’s messages? Is silence a form of self-care, or a veiled cry to be rescued?

Together, we untangle the knot between boundaries and punishment, help her find clarity around her deeper intentions, and explore how unmet childhood needs can hijack our adult relationships. Whether you’re a parent, a child, or both, this episode will speak to the ache of misalignment and the courage it takes to stay rooted in love while protecting your own heart.

In this episode:

•How to discern the difference between setting a boundary and delivering a covert ultimatum

•Why “taking space” sometimes carries unspoken hopes for change, and how to separate them

•The ache of being the family scapegoat, even after decades of healing

•Navigating the painful realization: Nobody else sees me the way my children do.

•A metaphor for overexposure to painful dynamics: The emotional sunburn

•Why it’s essential to tend to your inner child before asking others to meet your unmet needs

•Sample scripts for taking space with clarity, not punishment

•The real purpose of pausing contact: and how to do it with integrity

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#109 - Should I Become a Psychologist? A Raw Conversation About Healing, Power, and the Path We Choose.

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 06:00:00 -0400

When the world of healing turns out to be more political than personal, more performative than compassionate, what do you do?

In this episode, we explore a powerful, vulnerable question from Katie, a listener discerning whether to pursue psychology as a profession. What unfolds is part mentorship, part memoir, and a whole lot of honest reflection on the tangled terrain of becoming a healer inside complex systems.

I share a bit of my own journey through graduate school, toxic professional cultures, disillusionment with insurance models, and the soul-stretching cost, both financial and emotional, of pursuing clinical licensure as a single mother in my 40s.

But this conversation isn’t just about psychology. It’s about discernment. It’s about staying connected to your deeper “yes” when fear, fatigue, and broken systems threaten to drown it out.

Whether you’re an aspiring therapist, a burnt-out practitioner, or simply someone trying to live with more integrity and heart, this episode is for you.

Listener Takeaways:

•Why disillusionment in helping professions is not a sign you’re broken, it’s a call for deeper discernment.

•How to honor your “yes” even when fear and power dynamics swirl.

•Why finding your people is just as important as finding your profession.

•The real cost of licensure, and what to consider before taking on debt.

•What it looks like to stay within a system without losing yourself in it.

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#108 - What Do You Do When You're Ready for Kids - And Your Partner Isn't?

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What do you do when you’re ready for kids… and your partner isn’t?

In this deeply honest episode, we explore one of the most tender crossroads in long-term partnership: what happens when your longing to become a parent collides with your partner’s hesitation, fear, or quiet refusal?

You’ll hear from a caller who is wrestling with the heartbreak of being in a beautiful, joyful relationship—except for one major misalignment. Together, we unpack the emotional tension, the grief, the fear of future regret, and the difficult questions that follow:

•How do you talk about children when you’re not on the same page?

•Can you name a boundary without issuing an ultimatum?

•How do you wait without betraying yourself?

This conversation doesn’t offer neat answers—but it does offer a roadmap for staying honest, kind, and courageous in the face of relational uncertainty.

Stay through to the end for practical tools, boundary scripts, and a bit of self-reflection on what I might have done even better as a facilitator.

Show Notes

In this episode, we explore:

•What to do when one partner wants kids and the other is unsure

•The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum

•How to reveal what’s true for you without shaming someone else’s pace

•The risks of toxic hope and the beauty of generative patience

•Why shared grief can be a path back to connection

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#107 - How to Change Systems Without Shaming People

Mon, 18 Aug 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What do you do when something important is broken—but the people behind it are doing their best?

In this episode, Jen is preparing to talk to a reporter about a youth program she deeply supports—and is deeply frustrated with. She wants change. She wants honesty. But she doesn’t want to shame or vilify the people running the program.

Together, we explore how to speak truth to systemic breakdowns with clarity, compassion, and courage. You’ll hear us move through raw anger, heartfelt grief, and into honest, values-aligned language that invites collaboration instead of defensiveness.

If you’ve ever tried to advocate for change without becoming the villain—or longed to tell the truth without betraying your heart—this conversation is for you.

In this episode:

•How to speak publicly about system failures without turning people into enemies

•The vital role of anger, grief, and heartbreak in values-based leadership

•How to stay self-connected when preparing to give hard feedback

•Scripts and language tools for telling the truth with dignity

•The emotional intelligence needed to shift from blame to collaboration

•How to transform outrage into a relational invitation for change

•What to do when both sides of the conflict are hurting and hopeful

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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#106 - Six Principles for Peaceful Living: A Relational Framework for Inner and Outer Change

Mon, 11 Aug 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What does it actually look like to live in peace without bypassing truth, collapsing boundaries, or avoiding complexity?

In this episode, I share six powerful principles for peaceful living, not as moral prescriptions, but as relational practices rooted in the universal human needs that live inside all of us. You’ll learn how to stay grounded in love and discernment, how to co-create mutual thriving, and how to repair ruptures with clarity and care.

This conversation weaves together personal, relational, and systemic insight, offering a wise, trauma-informed, and deeply humane guide to living peace in everyday moments.

In this episode, we’ll explore:

•How to respect sovereignty without detaching

•Why control is not compassion

•When and how to speak truth with care

•What justice looks like in mutual, needs-based relationships

•How to repair without rushing

•Why paradox is the hallmark of relational maturity

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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For ongoing practice and deeper learning, I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection.

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#105 - Break the Spell: Reclaiming Power After Narcissistic Fallout

Mon, 04 Aug 2025 06:00:00 -0400

Why do some people leave you feeling small, confused, or ashamed, even though they smile, laugh, and seem perfectly nice?

In this powerful coaching conversation, Jaya explores what happens when charm and condescension hide behind friendly facades. Together, we name the impact of what I call narcissistic fallout: the lingering disorientation that surfaces when unresolved trauma meets relational manipulation.

We explore:

•Why some conversations feel like being hypnotized

•The nervous system effects of subtle emotional control

•How to spot power moves disguised as “concern”

•What to say (and how to exit) when someone laughs at your pain

•The inner work of breaking free from spells of confusion and control

You’ll leave this episode with:

•Practical language to protect your power

•A somatic metaphor to stay grounded (the oak tree)

•A gentle reminder that your grief holds your clarity

This is an episode for anyone reclaiming their voice after emotional gaslighting or enmeshment, and learning to walk away from people who don’t feel safe in their nervous system.

SHOW NOTES

•[03:10] How past trauma shows up in confusing conversations

•[07:20] What is “narcissistic fallout” and how does it hijack your power?

•[10:15] Why charming people can leave you feeling ashamed

•[14:30] Practical phrases to interrupt manipulation mid-conversation

•[20:50] “The porcupine and the ring” — a metaphor for protecting yourself

•[22:00] The Jungle Book python & the hypnotic quality of old patterns

•[26:40] What to do when you keep trying to be liked by people who harm you

•[32:10] How to support your inner teenager during relational triggers

•[37:00] Somatic tools for staying rooted in your power

•[39:00] Sample exit scripts you can use to protect your nervous system

Resources & Links:

•Join the Truth Over Comfort live workshop on August 14th (6–8pm CST): Register here.

•Free Communication Starter Kit

•Learn more about the Conversations from the Heart Membership Program

Loved this episode?

•Subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

•Share it with a friend who’s navigating confusing relational dynamics

•Sign up for my weekly newsletter at yvetteerasmus.com for more emotional wisdom & tools

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#104 - How Can I Get My Therapist to Understand Me?

Mon, 28 Jul 2025 06:00:00 -0400

In this episode, I coach a listener named Julia who feels dismissed after bringing up a difficult experience in therapy. Her therapist tried to normalize it by offering logic instead of empathy and now Julia’s wondering how to bring it up without creating conflict or being misunderstood again.

Together, we explore:

•How to ask for more empathy in therapy (without blaming or shaming)

•What it means when a therapist skips emotional attunement

•A gentle script you can use when therapy feels misaligned

•What to do if your therapist can’t or won’t meet you where you are

If you’ve ever walked away from therapy feeling more alone than connected, this episode offers tools, language, and hope.

Stay till the end for a practical how-to guide on navigating these tough moments. Because asking for what you need in therapy is often the most healing work you’ll ever do.

In this episode:

[02:00] How do I tell my therapist she didn’t really hear me?
[04:00] The difference between empathy and normalization
[07:00] When therapists fix too fast, and why it hurts
[09:00] A script to name misattunement without escalation
[12:00] How the therapy relationship becomes the real work
[14:00] Post-session how-to guide: 6 steps to naming what’s not working in

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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For ongoing practice and deeper learning, I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection.

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#103 - They Say You Lied. They Call You a Narcissist. Now What?

Mon, 21 Jul 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What do you do when someone you care about paints you as the villain?

Maybe you spoke your truth, and they called it manipulation.

Maybe you set a boundary, and they called it narcissism.

Maybe you asked for something you needed, and they said you lied.

In this raw, real, and emotionally honest episode, Yvette walks two callers through the heartbreak and confusion that comes when our intentions are misunderstood and our character is questioned.

We talk about:

* How to respond with clarity and compassion when someone accuses you of lying or narcissism

* What an apology actually means, and how to offer one without self-erasing

* The difference between empathy and enabling (especially with adult children)

* Scripts for repair conversations when the other person won’t talk to you

* How to protect your nervous system while still keeping your heart open

If you’ve ever been stuck between wanting to make things right and needing to stay safe, this one’s for you.

Stay till the end for:

* A word-for-word apology template you can adapt to your own life

* How to spot the real need underneath an accusation

* Why the most generous thing you can do… might be walking away

Listen now and discover how to stay in your truth and your tenderness—even when someone else can’t see who you really are.

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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For ongoing practice and deeper learning, I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection.

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#102 - Happy, Even When You're Unhappy

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What if joy isn’t the absence of discomfort, but something we can feel even in the thick of it?

In this episode of Conversations from the Heart, I speak with three brave callers, each grappling with the tension between what they feel and how they long to show up. From emotional resentment in a professional friendship, to the struggle to be kind and also firm, to standing up to power without collapsing in fear, these conversations are raw, real, and deeply human.

We explore how to:

•Navigate mixed feelings without needing to clean them up or figure them out.

•Stay connected to yourself in moments of not-knowing.

•Reclaim your voice without abandoning your values.

•Recognize when you’re operating from self-trust and when you’re just coping.

•Use healthy anger to build connection rather than break it down.

Whether you’re floundering in a relationship, feeling dismissed in a conversation, or being shamed for speaking truth to power … this episode invites you back to yourself.

Spoiler: It’s possible to feel at peace even in the middle of the mess. Not by fixing it, but by being in honest relationship with it.

Use code SOHC to get 50% off your first month in the School of Human Connection. Learn more here.

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For ongoing practice and deeper learning, I warmly invite you to become a member of The School of Human Connection.

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#101 - Road Rage & Spiritual Dojos: What Your Commute Is Teaching You

Mon, 07 Jul 2025 11:00:00 -0400

In this episode, we listen as Nate opens with a deeply human inquiry:

What can I do to feel more regulated, more considerate, and less internally violent while driving?

What unfolds is a rich exploration of road rage, internalized judgment, overstimulation, and the longing for care in a world that often feels aggressively indifferent. The conversation weaves together Nonviolent Communication, inner child work, trauma-informed insight, and the power of spiritual reframing.

Takeaways:

Driving can surface deep, unconscious wounds about safety, visibility, and being cared for.
There’s a difference between coping with a dysregulating world and designing a life that actually supports you.
The wish to be “unaffected” is often a defensive maneuver to avoid overwhelm or pain,but true regulation requires learning how to metabolize life, not numb to it.
“Right and wrong” can become tyrannical ideas when inherited from domination systems. Replacing them with “what meets needs” offers deeper integrity.
Empathy begins by reclaiming your relationship with your own interior world.
Everything (yes, even rush hour) can become a spiritual dojo.

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#100 - Will the Real Me Please Step Forward?

Mon, 30 Jun 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What happens when your inner life feels like a committee meeting: chaotic, conflicting, and deeply personal?

In this episode, we hold space for four courageous voices navigating the messy middle between self-betrayal and self-expression. From the tension between ambition and peace, to the heartbreak of being shut down in community, to living with a judgmental roommate, to confronting a long-lost friend after betrayal: each conversation reveals something essential about the daily work of becoming more whole.

We explore what it really takes to come home to yourself, especially when the world around you (and even inside you) feels noisy, critical, or confusing.

You’ll hear about:

•Naming and listening to the competing parts within you

•Self-regulation as a sacred practice

•How to stop outsourcing your worth to other people’s reactions

•What to say (and not say) when you’re ready to revisit old wounds

•And why you don’t have to “fix” anything before you can reclaim your voice

Whether you’re grappling with doubt, disconnection, or the longing to be seen as you truly are—this episode is a gentle invitation to let your real self rise.

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#99 - Turning Guilt into Growth

Mon, 23 Jun 2025 06:00:00 -0400

Ever feel like your regret is selfish? Or worry that setting a boundary will ruin the friendship?

In this episode, you’ll hear from Judy who wants to write a condolence letter, but struggles when her grief spirals into self-blame. Then we turn to Georgia, who just can’t take one more last-minute cancellation from a friend, but also doesn’t want to lose her friendship over it.

If you’ve ever wrestled with guilt, struggled to speak up in friendships, or wondered how to stay openhearted while honoring your own needs—this episode is for you.

Inside this episode:

•The regret reframe that will change your life

•A word-for-word script for naming hurt without causing defensiveness

•Why your “too muchness” might be your tenderness trying to protect you

•How to stop over-functioning and start honoring your needs

•The unexpected role of nervous system regulation in friendship repair

And as a bonus, listen for a surprising metaphor involving cloudy days, sunburns, and how to stop trying to change people just so you can stay connected.

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#98 - How To Stop Overfunctioning In Relationships - And Start Listening for Fit

Mon, 16 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0400

What if the reason your relationships feel hard isn’t because there’s something wrong with you, but rather because you’re waking up and getting more conscious?

In this tender, truth-filled episode, we meet Carol and Paulina, two women navigating the messy terrain of rebuilding self-trust after giving too much of themselves away in past relationships.

Carol is considering reconnecting with a longtime friend who’s consistently prioritized his comfort over their mutual care. She wants reciprocity but keeps accommodating the status quo, hoping it’ll inspire change. Together, we explore the hidden cost of chronic self-abandonment and what it takes to risk doing things differently.

Paulina, meanwhile, is mourning the loss of a toxic relationship that activated every part of her attachment system. She feels flat, emotionally shut down, and unsure if she can ever love again. Her current relationship is kind, stable… and unfamiliar. We unpack the difference between trauma chemistry and real connection, and how to trust love that doesn’t feel like chaos.

If you’ve ever confused anxiety for attraction, or found yourself resentfully staying in a dynamic that doesn’t meet your needs, this episode is for you.

You’ll learn:

How to stop over-functioning in lopsided relationships
The difference between behavior and intention, and which one to trust
Why real love might feel boring at first (and why that’s a good thing)
How to reclaim your yes and no without shame
And how to grieve what never was without losing your capacity to love again

Listen in for practical tools, emotional wisdom, and the gentle nudge you may need to come back to yourself.

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#97 - Bad Girl Energy: How To Play by New Rules

Mon, 09 Jun 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What do you do when someone you love keeps using emotional blunt force instead of listening? When the men in your life still believe criticism is caring, or that dominance equals dialogue?

In this week’s episode, we sit with two brave women learning how to communicate with men who are still playing by old, outdated rules where vulnerability is weakness, power is control, and connection gets sacrificed for the illusion of authority.

We explore what it means to keep our hearts open without abandoning ourselves, to name what hurts without making someone wrong, and to build bridges without betraying our own inner truth. You’ll hear real-life moments, fresh language to try, and permission to stop performing “good girl” energy just to keep the peace.

In this raw and real episode, two women ask:

How do I stay in connection with someone who keeps hurting me?

Why do I freeze or fawn when I know better?

SHOW NOTES:

Why old-school masculinity often shows up as dismissal, control, or withdrawal
How women often internalize the pressure to stay sweet, silent, and obedient
What to say (and not say) when our boundaries are being ignored
The art of exiting a conversation with grace and power
How to bring “bad girl” energy back into wholeness

This episode is for anyone tired of talking to a wall, and ready to start listening to themselves.

🎧 Tune in now, and reclaim your voice, your power, and your peace.

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#96 - Ghosted Your Best Friend? Here’s What to Say Now.

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 12:00:00 -0400

You pulled away. They’re still mad. Now what? In this raw and deeply human episode, we unpack exactly what to say—and how to stay grounded—when you’re ready to reconnect after silence, space, or rupture.

Whether you were isolated by trauma or just needed room to breathe, this episode offers repair scripts, emotional insights, and the one mindset shift that changes everything.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

•How to craft a heartfelt message to reconnect after distance

•What to say when your friend is still angry (without getting defensive)

•A reframe for “running away” that honors your healing

•How to stay open when shame, fear, or guilt try to take over

•The difference between apologizing and collapsing

•What to do if the conversation doesn’t go how you hoped

You’ll hear real-time coaching with two community members navigating:

•Friendship rupture and reconciliation

•Emotional honesty without self-erasure

•The courage it takes to rebuild trust—step by step

Whether you’re the one who stepped away or the one left wondering why, this conversation is a masterclass in emotional maturity, repair, and self-responsibility.

🎧 Listen now—and don’t miss the closing tools to stay steady when the stakes feel high.

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#95 - Stay in Your Lane: What’s Yours to Carry, And What Isn’t?

Mon, 26 May 2025 06:00:00 -0400

Ever find yourself carrying someone else’s emotional backpack… and wondering why your shoulders hurt?

Today we unpack four real-life questions about emotional boundaries, relational burnout, and the art of letting go of what was never yours to hold. You’ll hear raw, relatable stories, from being exiled from a beloved community group, to walking away from a relationship where you were doing all the emotional heavy lifting, to healing a strained mother-daughter dynamic, and navigating triggering conversations around money.

If you’ve ever wondered:

“Am I responsible for fixing this?”
“How do I honor my limits without hurting someone else?”
“Why do I feel so hooked right now?”

…this episode offers guidance, clarity, and a whole lot of compassion.

You’ll learn:

Why fixing is disapproval
How to set a boundary without bracing for a fight
A script for naming recurring patterns without activating defensiveness
What to say when someone demands emotional labor you can’t give
Why your triggers might be invitations (not threats)

Come for the aha moments, stay for the soul-soothing reframes. This one’s a deep dive into the messy, brave work of staying rooted in yourself—especially when it would be easier to collapse, comply, or control.

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Living Love as Daily Resistance: The Soft Revolution Starts With You

Tue, 20 May 2025 10:00:00 -0400

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#94 - How to Love Someone Without Letting Them Off the Hook

Mon, 19 May 2025 06:00:00 -0400

This tender and deeply resonant episode follows a heartfelt question from listener Cathy: Do I keep talking to my brother, even after all the harm he’s caused?

What unfolds is an intimate exploration of how to stay rooted in our own integrity when we’re torn between love and protection, compassion and accountability, connection and boundaries. We dive into how to love someone clearly, without collapsing into enabling, appeasing, or pretending.

Cathy shares the painful complexity of loving a sibling who’s caused irreversible harm - some unethical, some illegal - and the grief of wanting connection without pretending the pain never happened.

Warning: Strong language is used, so be careful if little ones are listening in!

📝 Shownotes:

Do you have to forgive to love someone again? (Minute 12)
What to say when someone you love won’t take responsibility (Minute 20)
The difference between “enabling” and “accepting” (Minute 27)
A real-life script to stay honest and kind (Minute 35)
How to protect your inner child in hard family relationships (Minute 41)
Why punitive force backfires - and what to do instead (Minute 50)

This episode is a masterclass in the art of loving honestly, and in choosing relationship without gaslighting yourself.

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#93 - Too much, Too loud, Too Honest? Try Soft Power.

Mon, 12 May 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What if your fiercest judgments were just misplaced devotion?

In this raw and revealing episode, we unpack those charged moments when your love for truth and justice gets mistaken for criticism or control. When your “I just want to help” lands more like “You’re doing it wrong.” And when your longing to belong collides with your need to speak up.

Two powerful stories unfold in this episode: One about a moment of regret after calling out a fellow trainer in a large group, and another about getting kicked out of a recovery meeting… for being too disruptive.

But underneath it all? The same longing: to be seen, heard, and held in our full humanity.

💥 Warning: This episode may stir up old wounds. But it also offers hope, tools, and a path to healing. Also, be aware that we sometimes use spicy language so be careful if any little ones are listening, too.

In this episode, we explore:

Why your “judgmental” moments might be rooted in love - not criticism
What to do when you speak from truth but it lands all wrong
The real difference between empathy and commiseration (and how we often get it twisted)
What happens when you get banned from a recovery group… and why it’s not the end of your story
How to apologize without collapsing or giving your power away
A powerful reframe for those moments when you think, “Ugh, I did it again…”

✨ Whether you’re the one who blurted out too fast, or the one retreating into silence after conflict, this episode will help you find your way back - to yourself, to others, and to what really matters.

🎧 Listen now if you’ve ever:

Regretted your tone but stood by your message
Felt like the “too much” one in the group
Wanted to show up with integrity and connection
Longed for a do-over, but didn’t know how to start

Resources Mentioned:

Free Communication Starter Kit

Join the Conversations from the Heart Membership for live support and community

Subscribe on YouTube

👉 Like this episode? Share it with someone who’s navigating a relational repair of their own. And remember: you’re allowed to be a work in progress and a force for good.

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#92 - Boundaries, Burials, and Brothers Who Overshare

Mon, 05 May 2025 10:00:00 -0400

Ever felt torn between staying true to yourself and keeping the peace in your relationships? In this episode, we walk with three courageous guests as they navigate the messy middle of relational repair, where heartbreak, hope, and healing often collide.

Throughout the episode, I offer grounded coaching and relational insight, modeling how to make peace with not getting your way, how to advocate without attachment, and how to hold your truth with both gentleness and strength.

Plus, I share my favorite Marshall Rosenberg quote that gives us all permission to show up imperfectly.

The big insight? Sometimes, the conversation is less about the thing and more about the way we talk about it. Tune in to learn how to shift from “I need you to agree with me” to “Can we co-create a process where we both matter?”

Key Questions Explored

What do I do when I want something deeply - but no one else agrees?
How can I reconnect with someone after months or years of silence?
How do I set boundaries with people who steamroll my needs?
What if honoring myself means disappointing people I love?

Listener Takeaways/Show Notes

A step-by-step process for advocating without demanding
How to hold space for grief when connection doesn’t go as hoped
The “thermometer tool” to surface hidden family dynamics
Language to use when you’re overwhelmed but still want to show up
How to shift from self-judgment to healthy regret when you’re not perfect

Listen for heart-centered coaching, clear language templates, and real-life examples of relational courage.

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#91 - My Inner Critic Got Loud, and Then I Found My Voice

Mon, 28 Apr 2025 06:00:00 -0400

Ever spiraled into shame because of one tiny mistake? Or replayed a text convo with a ghoster, trying to decode what you did wrong? You’re not alone, and you’re not broken.

In this vulnerable and uplifting episode, Tiffany and Patrice bring raw questions to the table, and I offer some insights into how we talk to ourselves when we feel abandoned, rejected, or ashamed.

This one’s for every tender-hearted human who’s been too hard on themselves - and who’s ready for something softer, wiser, and more freeing.

We discuss:

1:10 Opening thoughts
2:33 How a wrong phone number on a business card led to a spiral of shame - and the exact steps to stop that spiral mid-spin.
11:34 Two strategies in the moment of stress: pause, and name what's happening
12:05 Why reclaiming the word “stupid” could be the most liberating thing you do all week.
19:52 What ghosting actually tells you about someone - and how it might be the kindest exit you didn’t ask for.
25:47 A note on goodness of fit and how it can enable choicefulness
33:19 Comments from the audience
45:30 Closing thoughts

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#90 - Cats, Dogs, and Emotional Needs: How Not to Chase Love

Mon, 21 Apr 2025 06:00:00 -0400

In this epsiode, we speak with Cathy and Paul. Cathy is untangling her intentions around gift giving and her desire to be closer to her daughter. Paul is working to understand an intense emotional reaction after he had a difficult conversation with his partner.

We discuss:

3:10 Opening thoughts on the current political climate
10:26 How do I discern between my reaction and the reality of a thing?
17:46 The sweet spot we're longing for when giving a gift
21:30 Finally I feel like an adult!
30:18 I am right on time.
35:30 Dogs vs. cats
41:02 Are you stressed about telling someone a truth?
42:13 I had a hard conversation and an intense emotional reaction and I'm not sure why.
51:30 Setting an intention to cry
55:50 Practical Do's and Don'ts

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#89 - Dear Nervous System, We're Safe Now.

Mon, 14 Apr 2025 06:00:00 -0400

How do we stay connected to ourselves - and to others - when our nervous systems are screaming, our inner critics are loud, and old family patterns are tugging us backward?

In this episode, we examine:

2:03 I'm struggling in my relationship with my sister. Why does my body still react to conflict even when my mind knows I'm safe now?
7:19 A new, empowering take on going "no contact" (it's not a rejection - it's a reset)
13:51 A practical way to set new terms of engagement in relationships that matter, but hurt
20:37 I want to set an intention with my family. How can I best interact with them?
29:44 I'm in a place of transition, how can I best connect with myself?
50:33 How can I tell if the resistance I'm feeling needs to be worked through or if I need to switch course?
55:25 Closing thoughts

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#88 - When Words Fail, Start Here

Mon, 07 Apr 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What if every awkward silence, every emotional hijack, every misstep can be used as stepping-stone to circle back to a conversation? To reconnect. To build trust, not erode it.

What if "failed" moments aren't actually failures at all, but are simply part of a natural, generative learning process?

Today, we examine moments that feel like failures at the time, but are actually opportunities for greater connection with ourself and others.

We explore:

1:01 Intro thoughts
2:40 How can I incorporate NVC tools at work?
3:45 Step 1: Observe
7:20 The most powerful thing you can do when you're in a position of power
14:43 'm angry. What can I do?
23:45 How can I stop judging my family?
31:07 A script for revealing ourselves in small ways
39:53 Q&A
51:10 Closing tips and practices

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#87 - Feeling "Undermined"? How to Reclaim Your Power.

Mon, 31 Mar 2025 06:00:00 -0400

In this episode, Jaya brings forward a challenge that many of us can relate to - leaving conversations feeling undermined or devalued. She struggles with how to maintain her power and self-worth when people dismiss, invalidate, or fail to recognize her contributions. Her core questions include:

How do I keep my power when dealing with people who undermine or devalue me?
What language can I use to defend myself?
How do I navigate situations where I freeze in response to subtle invalidation?
Why do some people always take a contrarian point of view, and how can I respond?
How do I handle accusations of being selfish when I set boundaries or withdraw?

Key Takeaways for Listeners

Shift Your Perspective - Stop seeing these moments as something being done to you and instead as data about the other person's patterns and needs.
Break the Victim Cycle - Seeing yourself as prey in a predator-prey dynamic keeps you in freeze mode. Recognizing others' behaviors as their habitual strategies helps reclaim your power.
Practice Self-Connection - Instead of seeking validation from someone who won't provide it, turn inward and self-attune: What am I feeling? What do I need?
Ask for What You Want - If someone is dismissing your feelings, redirect the conversation by explicitly asking them to focus on your experience rather than rationalizing the other person's behavior.
Recognize Their Needs - Many people default to giving advice or taking a contrarian stance as a way of meeting their own needs - to feel helpful, competent, or insightful. Seeing this can help depersonalize their behavior.
Exit With Grace - If someone is Monopolizing the conversation or invalidating you, set a boundary: "I just realized I need to get going." No justification is needed.
Selfishness vs. Self-Connection - True self-care benefits everyone. When you act from self-connection rather than obligation, you model healthy relational dynamics.

We Discuss:

1:01 Opening thoughts
3:05 I feel undermined and I freeze. How can I reframe this?
12:17 They're not "doing something to me". They're providing data about themselves.
14:28 Asking for what you want as a strategy out of the educating
20:51 What can I say if I don't want to listen anymore?
28:27 What can I say when someone accuses me of being selfish?
31:04 Closing Thoughts

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#86 - How Deep Presence Leads to Self-Discovery

Mon, 24 Mar 2025 06:00:00 -0400

What happens when we truly listen? Not just to respond, but to create space for deeper self-awareness? This rich and layered conversation with Patrice shows how connection-based, collaborative listening results I moving beyond her initial questions into a profound self-discovery process.

By gently reflecting, naming patterns, and holding space, we allow the layers of meaning to emerge organically--leading to clarity and self-trust.

Listen in as we explore:

How our initial questions often point to deeper truths we haven't fully named yet.
The role of reflective listening in helping someone find their own answers
Why deep, presence-based conversations create lasting transformation
How to listen in a way that fosters connection instead of fixing or advising

Looking for a conversation that honors both depth and autonomy? Listen in now.

Key moments:

1:39 Opening thoughts
3:03 I want to break a familiar pattern of seeking connection with those who can't offer what I need.
10:10 Noticing the presence of both grief and hope
17:30 Closing thoughts

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#85 - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria: How to Stop the Spiral and Reclaim Your Power

Mon, 17 Mar 2025 06:00:00 -0400

Have you ever texted a friend, waited for a reply, and felt like your entire world was crumbling when they didn't respond right away? Do you find yourself deeply affected by neutral comments or minor critiques? If so, you might be experiencing Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) - a powerful emotional response that can feel like overwhelming pain, shame or devastation after a real or pervceived rejection.

In this episode, we break down:

What RSD is and why it feels so intense
How to differentiate between real rejection and fear of rejection
Practical tools to regulate your emotions and build resilience
How to work with your sensitive nervous system, not against it
Real-life strategies for handling rejection in relationships, work and daily interactions
A powerful reframe that will help you embrace your sensitivity as a strength, not a flaw

Plus, you'll hear from Annie, a seasoned Nonviolent Communication practitioner, as she vulnerably shares her struggles with RSD - despite all her training - and how she's learning to navigate these deep emotional waves.

✨If you've ever felt "too sensitive" or struggled to bounce back from rejection, this episode is for you.

We discuss:

1:55 Opening thoughts
3:33 What is RSD?
9:50 How can I best deal with RSD?
15:09 How can I decrease my suffering and increase my capacity?
21:17 Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles
25:56 Closing thoughts

🔹 Resources and Links:

Join our 8-week Deep Dive on Repair Work and Accountability (starts March 31st!). Use code PODCAST50 for $50 off!
Take our free Listening Style Quiz to understand how you process conversations
Watch more videos on my YouTube Channel
Learn more at Yvetteerasmus.com

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#84 - Responding With Love When Kids Act Up

Mon, 10 Mar 2025 06:00:00 -0400

When kids act out - whether it’s stealing, shutting down, pushing boundaries, or having emotional outbursts - how can we respond in ways that guide them toward growth rather than shame?

Today, we explore two powerful real-life situations:

A young10-year old boy who stole money from his mentor: What was driving his behavior, and how could adults respond in a way that fosters learning instead of punishment?
A seven-year-old struggling with his parents’ divorce: How can his mother support his overwhelming emotions without taking on his distress or trying to “fix” his sadness?

Through these stories, we unpack the difference between control and connection, how to set limits without losing warmth, and why holding space for kids’ emotions is the key to their long-term resilience.

Tune in as we explore -

2:24 Opening thoughts
3:21 I'm dealing with a child who stole money and could use some help with a conversation.
7:29 I don't like how I showed up and I want to bring something new to the conversation
22:13 How can I help my son cope with his new home?

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#83 - Making Peace with Being the Villain in Someone Else's Story

Mon, 03 Mar 2025 06:00:00 -0500

Have you ever been cast as the "villain" in someone else's story? Perhaps you're seen as the one who got it wrong, didn't do enough, or failed to meet expectations?

Today, we explore what it means to hold our ground in relationships without getting defensive, to listen without justifying, and to accept that sometimes, people need to see us as the problem while they process their own pain.

In today's conversation, Jill's daughter just sent her a long list of parenting grievances. How can she respond with love and understanding without falling into the trap of proving herself?

And, Jaya keeps finding herself in relationships where she feels small. How does she break the cycle of submission, reclaim her voice, and recognize when a dynamic isn't worth staying in?

Together we'll explore:

✨ Why defensiveness keeps us stuck—and what to do instead

✨ How to recognize the real need behind someone’s anger or blame

✨ The difference between explaining and connecting

✨ How to trust your own voice, even when someone else tries to rewrite the narrative

✨ When to stay, when to engage, and when to let go

Show Notes:

1:01 Opening comments
3:43 My daughter wrote me an angry text and I'm not sure how to best respond.
20:55 The healing is not in litigating the past, but happens in the present.
27:04 My pattern in relationships is to collapse. How can I be more assertive?
30:47 The key to asking for what we want
41:28 Healing requires a regulated nervous system
49:23 Closing thoughts

If you've ever felt misunderstood, unfairly judged, or struggled to maintain connection while standing in your truth, this episode is for you.

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#82 - When Relationships Disappoint Us

Mon, 24 Feb 2025 06:00:00 -0500

In this week's episode, both questions focus on the theme of disappointment, and how to work with people and relationships that leave us wanting. We discuss:

1:03 Opening comments

7:01 I just found out my friend got married and I wasn't invited

16:28 Avoidant vs. anxious attachment styles

22:18 Role play: What would you say if you could?

32:14 I want an unconditionally loving relationship and I am always disappointed

43:19 Not all our needs must be met by one person

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#81 - Unlearning the Things That No Longer Serve Us

Mon, 17 Feb 2025 06:00:00 -0500

From the moment we enter the world, we begin learning. We absorb the rules of our families, communities, and larger societies. Some of these lessons serve us well, fostering connection, growth, and resilience.

But others come from systems designed to control and dominate, systems that teach us to trade our authenticity for approval, our agency for compliance, and our creativity for conformity.

In this episode, we speak with Carol and Jen who are working with ways to voice their needs with an eye to getting those needs met. We discuss:

1:02 Opening thoughts
3:45 How can I create a more mutual friendship with an old friend?
9:55 How to check out my assumption with my friend
16:06 I'm scared to speak up about what I want
23:20 My suggestion was shot down in a meeting and I collapsed afterwards. How can I show up when I'm shut down?
27:20 Step 1: Accepting where I am
28:00 Step 2: Ask a question. ANY QUESTION.
35:25 How to lead with more "I" and less "You"
40:06 Shadow work: I get to take up space
47:30 What can I do for myself once I've woken from a freeze response?

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#80 - Reclaiming Your Voice: Strategies for Navigating One-sided Conversations

Mon, 10 Feb 2025 06:00:00 -0500

This episode is devoted to those of us who feel frustrated when we're interrupted, or when a conversation we're having is diverted in a way that doesn't feel generative and connecting.

Listen in for the three strategies we can use and the three goals we can shoot for in order to create a new conversation.

We discuss:

3:10 I was having a heartfelt conversation and got interrupted. What can I do in moments like these?
8:09 Strategy #1: Say it badly to someone else, first
15:19 Doing our work on the backend allows for more choicefulness in the moment.
16:15 Strategy #2: Reflect the person back to them, and ask consent for a different conversation
21:45 Strategy #3: Raise awareness about the current dynamic
29:16 Goal #1: Shoot for playfulness
35:20 Goal #2: Detach from the other person's reaction
36:58 Goal #3: Accept yourself at your current level of practice
40:01 When I can't access humor, it might be because pain is present
41:54 Closing thoughts

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#79 - Messy Conversations, Deeper Connections

Mon, 03 Feb 2025 10:00:00 -0500

Today, Colleen shares her experience of balancing emotional authenticity with others' expectations, while CJ explores the challenges of offering meaningful apologies and overcoming guilt and shame. This episode is for you if you've ever wondered:

How do you stay connected when emotions run high?
What’s the secret to offering an authentic apology without getting stuck in guilt or shame?
How can you repair a strained connection and set boundaries with clarity and compassion?

We explore the tools and insights to navigate emotionally charged moments with care, curiosity, and courage. If you’ve ever struggled with miscommunication, misunderstood intentions, or the messy beauty of being human, this conversation is your guide to finding deeper connection—even when things feel imperfect.

Tune in and discover practical ways to bring more honesty, empathy, and resilience into your relationships.

We discuss:

- 3:30 How do I share with my friend that I care, even if I'm not as upset as he is?
- 9:12 I inadvertently offended someone. How can I repair that?
- 14:18 We don't have to do things better - we can do them differently.
- 19:10 How can I have a conversation with my roommate that prompts her to move out?
- 24:45 Hard conversation tip #1: Pick up the other person's perspective.
- 26:06 Releasing fear of conflict
- 29:21 Closing thoughts

If, like CJ, you are yearning to up level your ability to take accountability for mistakes without sinking into regret or shame, that's exactly what we'll be practicing this spring in my Deep Dive.

Learn how to repair relationships while maintaining your dignity in From Regret to Resilience: The Art of Repair Work.

Use Coupon Code: PODCAST50 to save $50

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#78 - Boundaries vs. Abandonment: How to Prioritize Yourself Without Guilt

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 06:00:00 -0500

This week I talk to Steve, who is trying to balance his care for a friendship that has become emotionally draining, with his care for himself, and we explore questions many of us grapple with:

How do we distinguish between setting boundaries and abandoning someone we care about?
How do we honor our own well-being while remaining compassionate toward others?

You’ll hear Steve’s initial conversation about his struggle to let go of a friendship that isn’t meeting his emotional needs, followed by a powerful follow-up discussion two weeks later as he reflects on his journey.

Episode Highlights:

3:12 Steve’s Initial Question: Detaching from a friendship that has become emotionally unbalanced.
10:00 A script for disengaging from a friendship
12:00 Part 2 Intro
16:40 What is making it difficult to disengage?
21:10 The Role of Validation: How seeking external affirmation can lead to unhealthy dynamics.
29:03 Caring for the impact of our actions is not the same as feeling responsible for them.
30:31 Closing thoughts: Tools for Boundaries and Clarity: Strategies for balancing care for others with self-compassion.
37:20 Questions to ask yourself when wanting to disengage.

Key Takeaways:

Setting boundaries is not about rejecting others; it’s about preserving your own emotional well-being.
Guilt often arises from taking too much responsibility for others’ emotions—self-compassion is key.
Fulfilling relationships are rooted in reciprocity and mutual respect; it’s okay to let go when that’s missing.

Resources Mentioned:

Blog: Boundaries vs. Abandonment: How to Prioritize Yourself Without Guilt

Boundaries Masterclass: A step-by-step guide to setting boundaries that both connect and protect.

Free Resources: Explore tools for self-compassion and emotional clarity at yvetteerasmus.com.

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#77 - The Power of a Moment: Small Acts of Care in a Complex World

Mon, 20 Jan 2025 07:00:00 -0500

What if the smallest moments of care could transform a relationship or change a life? In this episode, we uncover the surprising power of empathy and connection through two compelling stories. Discover how to meet people where they are, foster deep understanding, and create conversations that truly matter.

We discuss:

2:01 How can I help shift someone from self-blame to self-compassion?
6:33 What happens when you prioritize connection over solving?
7:34 How can presence and empathy shift someone from self-blame to self-compassion?
12:57 The difference between a monologue and a conversation
16:37 What are some strategies I can use to stay in my lane?
23:28 How can I help the woman I care for make a difficult decision?
35:44 Practical tips for creating co-created conversations that inspire growth.

Join us for insights, stories, and an invitation to bring these lessons into your life. Don’t forget to sign up for the Getting Grounded in Your Goodness retreat by January 31st!

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#76 - How to Melt Defensiveness

Mon, 13 Jan 2025 06:00:00 -0500

In this episode, we tackle one of the most challenging aspects of communication: defensiveness. Whether it’s a friend who dismisses others, a family member who reacts sharply, or a coworker who resists feedback, defensiveness often creates distance in relationships. But what if we could work with defensiveness instead of resisting or judging it?

Drawing from real-life listener questions, I explore how to engage with others’ defenses in ways that foster trust, empathy, and connection. Together, we’ll uncover why defensiveness arises, how to approach it with curiosity, and the surprising ways it can become a bridge rather than a barrier. If you’ve ever struggled with someone’s resistance—or your own—this episode is for you. We listen to three different scenarios that can be turned around with the use of really clear requests.

We discuss:

1:00 My friend is so judgmental of my other friends. How can I talk to her about this?
6:00 Why clear requests are so essential.
9:49 Want to experience more care? Try this move.
11:39 Leading with curiosity
19:44 Working with others' defenses.
20:57 How can I warm the relationship I have with my daughter?
29:07 How can I request an invitation to dinner?

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#75 - Letting Go of Normal

Mon, 06 Jan 2025 06:00:00 -0500

Today's conversation with Julia and Meka explores the problems with being "normal" and recommends strategies for being authentic and real, instead. The idea of being "normal" can be misused to keep people compliant and obedient - but this isn't always the "healthiest" or wisest move.

Additionally, this episode features some discussion on the way domination systems use the concept to uphold existing power structures via moralistic judgements of "good/bad" and "normal/abnormal".

A takeaway: Instead of asking "Is this normal?" try asking instead "Is this working for me?"

3:10 How can I remind others how I want to engage?
7:30 Care for the impact vs. responsibility for others' reactions.
11:30 What is "normal"?
14:26 What the concept of normal is used for.
15:32 Why we want to inspire change.
18:55 Just because something is normal doesn't mean it's healthy.
22:20 The way domination systems use the idea of "normal" to enforce obedience and conformity.
30:30 The difference between normal and healthy.
35:02 The benefit of embracing our authenticity.
39:02 Questions we can ask ourselves to reflect

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#74 - Protecting Kids from Bullying: Tools for Immediate Safety and Lasting Change

Mon, 30 Dec 2024 11:00:00 -0500

This week we explore critical themes around racism, bullying, emotional safety, and systemic bias, as we talk with Simone about how to protect her kindergarten son from bullying. In this powerful and emotionally charged episode, you'll witness both empathetic support and strategic advice for navigating the complex dynamics of racism, bias, and systemic inaction. Together, we discuss restorative circles, adultification bias, and practical ways to engage allies while ensuring the safety of vulnerable children. This episode is a must-listen for parents, educators, and anyone working to create safer, more inclusive communities for children.

We discuss:

4:05 My son is being bullied at school and it feels racially charged. How can I encourage all parties to care?
10:43 Who are the people with the power that need to engage first?
14:24 How can I determine my clear request?
18:38 A two-pronged approach: changing people's hearts AND changing systems.
20:13 Dreaming BIG: imagining a system that works for all people.
23:45 Closing thoughts

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#73 - How to Respond to Advice, Silence, Conflict, and Divides

Mon, 23 Dec 2024 06:00:00 -0500

In this special holiday episode, we explore what happens when connection feels strained, boundaries are tested, and communications gets tough. From dealing with unsolicited advice and navigating silent partners to addressing unresolved conflicts in community and bridging value divides, these four callers bring real-life challenges that many of us can relate to. Together, we'll unpack practical tools, compassionate insights, and reflective questions to help you stay grounded, set boundaries, and maintain connection--even when it's hard.

Show Notes:

3:36 Dealing with unsolicited advice from a friend and how to navigate boundaries without snapping.
12:17 Silent partners, and how to create emotional safety when difficult conversations arise.
26:10 Unresolved conflicts in community, and how to approach delicate conversations with curiosity and care.
34:36 Bridging divides on life-and-death issues like vaccines, and how to stay grounded and compassionate when values clash.

Tune in for insights and practical tools on handling the messiness of human relationships, especially during the holiday season. 🎧✨

Resources Mentioned in This Episode:

Relationships as Spiritual Practice
Human 101 (free for Members!)
How to Have Hard Conversations
Blog Post: How to Respond to Silence and Shut Downs

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#72 - How to Get Comfortable With People Being Upset With You

Mon, 16 Dec 2024 06:00:00 -0500

One of the most important stops we can make on our healing journey is figuring out how to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Often, this will appear in the form of others being upset with us. In this episode, we discuss one approach to others' upset: the ability to hear the message even when couched in a clumsy delivery.

We consider:

2:00 How can I speak with a friend who's always on her phone?
9:22 The key to a difficult conversation? How to elicit more care for more people.
14:34 My daughter doesn't want to spend time with me and is often mean. What is a healthy response?
18:10 Can you hear the message and ignore the delivery?
21:59 Key practices when others are upset with us.

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#71 - How to Survive Co-Parenting with a Narcissistic Ex.

Mon, 09 Dec 2024 05:00:00 -0500

Today, we’re bringing you three heartfelt and deeply relatable conversations:

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist:
How do you protect your children while maintaining your own emotional resilience? We’ll dive into strategies for setting firm boundaries, minimizing conflict, and creating a safe and nurturing environment for your kids—all while managing the complexities of dealing with someone who prioritizes control over collaboration.

Reconnecting with an Adult Child
How do you approach a grown child with whom you’ve had a strained relationship, especially when the past is filled with pain? We’ll explore ways to lead with vulnerability, take responsibility without burdening them, and open the door to reconnection with respect and care.

Navigating Boundaries with a Difficult Roommate
Sharing a home can be a minefield of misunderstandings, especially when personalities clash and past trauma comes into play. We’ll break down how to manage a tense living situation with a roommate who struggles with passive-aggressive communication and territorial behaviors.

We consider:

2:15 How can I co-parent best?
15:20 Will my requests make a sticky situation worse?
20:30 A helpful hint when dealing with narcissistic defenses
26:50 How can I open the door to a deeper conversation with my adult child?
32:35 What I'd want to hear from an estranged parent
38:02 How can I invite my roommate into a conversation?
48:30 Closing thoughts

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#70 - Your Sensitivity is a Superpower.

Mon, 02 Dec 2024 09:00:00 -0500

Let's dive into the complexities of communication, parenting, and emotional connection as we explore:

1. How to handle projections in relationships when someone assumes your
thoughts and reacts defensively.

2. What do you do when your child doesn't like your "tone of voice?

3. What do you do when you want a deeper connection with a friend but fear their response? Or when a friendship feels unsafe, leaving you unsure how to proceed?

4. The art of creating emotionally safe conversations in the face of judgment or blame.

Want to skip to the good part?

1:02 My friend gets angry at me because they imagine I'm thinking things that aren't even in my head. What can I do?
8:42 How do I respond to "Don't psychoanalyze me?"
11:13 How can I alter the criticism my child hears in my voice?
16:47 1 way to reduce power struggles
21:18 3 tips to shift our mindset from control to connection for parents
27:28 How can I be authentic if I don't feel safe?
32:10. What is the "turnaround defense"?
39:24 A response to "You're too sensitive."
41:12 A response for "Don't take it so personally."
47:05 I want to speak with my friend but I'm afraid she'll tell me no.
53:53 How can I invite my friend into an authentic discussion?

If you’ve ever struggled with parenting, vulnerability, or feeling "too much," this episode will resonate deeply. Tune in to gain a roadmap for cultivating deeper connection, shared humanity, and self-sovereignty in all your relationships.

Ready to transform your parenting with practical, proven skills? My Parenting Masterclass is your next step to building stronger, more connected relationships with your kids. Click here to learn more and join today!

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#69 - From Problem Solving to Emotional Presence

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 09:00:00 -0500

Friendships can be so difficult to navigate sometimes. In today's conversation, we help identify the factors that can make friendships feel icky, and work out ways to show up authentically and with an open heart, rather than trying to problem solve.

We discuss:

1:00 Looking for an in-person opportunity to work with me? Consider attending my retreat!
3:52 Help! My friend and I can really trigger each other.
6:33 What to do when needs are different.
10:38 We're not here to protect other people from their feelings.
15:27 The difference between listening for understanding and listening for connection.
17:45 We don't need to understand to empathize.
19:37 The difference between being a mirror and a consultant.
25:19 Our feelings are information.
32:55 Closing thoughts

If you're looking for an in-person opportunity to ground yourself in your own goodness, read all about my March 2025 retreat to Santa Fe.

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#68 - Navigating Post-Election Conversations

Mon, 18 Nov 2024 10:00:00 -0500

Are you worried about Thanksgiving dinner conversations with family members who voted differently than you? In this week's episode, we listen to a conversation with Suzanne, who is trying to navigate issues of duty and connection with family members who don't share her values.

We discuss:

1:39 How do I explain to my family that I can't talk to them?
4:55 Working with the concept of duty
9:48 Developing boundaries around our relational terms of engagement
15:32 What needs are met when I reach out?
18:19 The difference between the public self and the private self/fitting in vs. belonging
27:15 What makes taking the next step in personal growth easier
31:14 Closing thoughts

My online course How to Have Hard Conversations can help you navigate your next difficult conversation. Need a roadmap for a difficult talk? Register today!

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#67 - 8 Practical Insights for Setting Boundaries

Mon, 11 Nov 2024 10:00:00 -0500

This week's podcast features one of my favorite discussions: Boundaries. It can be hard to set boundaries with life-long friends, and this week's discussion explores the complications concerning caring for ourselves, and helping others.

In this episode we explore:

1:00 Looking for an in-person opportunity to work with me? Consider attending my retreat!
4:01 A follow up conversation - "I had that hard conversation with my friend..."
8:59 What needs of yours did you meet by changing your plan?
10:57 A part of me wants to make her "wrong"
16:13 We can't do the hard work of waking up for someone else.
22:42 A script for disconnecting non-violently
26:58 The practice of somatic healing
29:00 The polarity between self-improvement and self-acceptance
31:55 Closing thoughts: including 8 Practical Insights for Setting Boundaries.

If you're looking for an in-person opportunity to ground yourself in your own goodness, read all about my March 2025 retreat to Santa Fe.

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#66 - Caring About vs Responsible For - All About Friendships

Mon, 04 Nov 2024 10:00:00 -0500

When they're good, our friendships can greatly contribute to the overall quality of our life. When they're hard, our friendships can make life really difficult.

On this episode of Conversations from the Heart, we talk about all kinds of issues regarding friendships.

We discuss:

1:01 How do I take a break from a friendship?
8:10 How to acknowledge a truth instead of debate it.
14:46 Is it worth it to try and reveal myself to a friend or should I just cut ties?
19:55 How to be vulnerable with those who deserve to hear it.
21:23 How denying ourselves a whole hearted yes or a whole hearted no hurts us.
24:47 The difference between a peer and a project.
28:19 How do I allow myself permission to change my mind?
29:26 Allowing people to solve their own problems is an act of respect.
34:07 The only people who object to us looking after ourselves are the people who benefit when we don't.
35:40 How can I approach a friend about the past?
41:25 I can always tell the truth, but can I field the response?
44:42 What prevents us from feeling empathy?
50:16 Help me decline an invitation!

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#65 -When to Stay, When to Let Go: Honest Conversations About Love, Family, and Friendship

Mon, 28 Oct 2024 00:00:00 -0400

One of the hardest decisions we can make is to dismantle a marriage when there are children involved.

On this episode of the podcast, we uncover how to make the decision of whether to stay in or leave a marriage because of the kids. We also discuss:

1:34 How do I make accommodations for my needs and my children's needs at the same time?
4:01 Determining the values behind our needs
6:15 Grief and acceptance in a relationship
8:28 An old flame is coming into town. How can I have a safe conversation about hurt feelings?
14:37 Discerning someone's role in our life
17:23 The importance of exhibiting care
20:45 The difference between caring for someone's well-being and taking responsibility for it
23:31 What words can I use to calm down a charged situation?

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#64 - Stop Being Polite: How to Say the Disruptive Thing

Mon, 21 Oct 2024 09:00:00 -0400

It's domination programming that teaches us the louder we raise our voices, the faster the other person will capitulate and join our side.

However, in order to affect real change, the key is to get others to care about what it is we're caring about. And this is a much slower, longer, harder task.

In this episode, we talk with a caller embarking on a trip to South Africa, who is interested in showing up authentically to her traveling companions, without raising their defenses. The ultimate goal? To get them to care about what she cares about. We discuss:

1:44 How can I show up authentically around my husband's colleagues when we see the world so differently?
3:34 One of the dynamics present is the devaluation of indigenous history and culture
5:55 How to step out of the old domination game
7:43 Making the implicit explicit
12:54 Empathizing with the other side
16:37 The importance of expressing care
18:45 It's enough to introduce a disruptive voice into the room

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#63 - Setting Terms of Engagement

Mon, 14 Oct 2024 10:00:00 -0400

The locus of control in a boundary lies with us, and concerns what we are willing and unwilling to do.

One of the data points we can use when negotiating our boundaries is how others engage with us.

In this podcast episode, we discuss our responsibility for setting up terms for engagement that are centered around our values, and we discuss:

1:11 How do I reinforce a boundary with out losing my temper?
5:37 The locus of control in boundary setting
5:55 Setting terms of engagement in our relationships
15:14 I apologized to my friend, but now she thinks we're friends again
20:43 Conversation role play with a friend
34:23 Is it even worth having these types of conversations? They're so hard!
40:05 I'm worried verbal empathy can make things worse

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#62 - How to Build Emotional Connections with People Who Struggle to Express Feelings

Mon, 07 Oct 2024 10:00:00 -0400

It can be incredibly painful when we find ourselves in relationships where we long for deeper authentic connection but can't seem to elicit that desire in others.

In this episode, we discuss:

1:11 How can I connect with someone who can't work won't talk about his feelings?
8:13 If someone is unhappy, that must mean something is wrong, right?
12:11 How our agenda is often an obstacle to authentic connection
19:42 How can I find closure with my ex-best friend?
23:46 I want her to open up but she won't
28:34 My dad is ill; how do I talk to others about his impending death?
34:53 I've heard through the grapevine that my friend is upset with me: should I bring it up to her?

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#61 - Letting Go of What You "Should" Do

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 10:00:00 -0400

It's easy to let our thoughts sink into the "shoulds" that have been programmed into us:

"I should be able to handle this: other people say it's easy."

"He should be able to get ready and go to school by himself - he's old enough now."

"I should have paid my taxes weeks ago - why does this feel so hard?"

However, running our lives on "shoulds" often robs us of the joy and creative life-energy that is our human divine right, and robs us of our need for choice fulness.

In this episode, we have three different discussions centered around what we "should" or "shouldn't" do, as we dive into the idea of authentic choice fulness:

1:10 Help! I don't want to go back to my dentist!"
16:56 How to give a voice to competing parts of ourselves
22:08 What does healing look like?
24:20 How can I have "radical acceptance" for a situation that's hard?
32:29 How do I look after myself while also caring for the needs of my child?
36:02 Is there such a thing as an "anti-need"?

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#60 - How to Work With People As They Are

Mon, 23 Sep 2024 10:00:00 -0400

When we want to stay in relationship with people who have hurt us, it's important for us to figure out a way to connect with them in a way that keeps us open hearted and also protected.

But how, exactly, can we show up open heartedly in ways that also protect us and keep us safe?

That's where open hearted and loving boundaries come in. In this episode we explore:

1:00 How can I make the implicit explicit?
12:00 It takes discipline to focus on what's working
16:13 I feel exhausted and hurt by my sister's behavior. How can I make it better?
22:09 What does a healthy relationship look like?
30:27 What open hearted boundaries can sound like
36:24 We get to choose who we let into our lives

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#59 - Transforming Cultural Norms for Healthier Relationships

Mon, 16 Sep 2024 10:00:00 -0400

We've all been well trained in the rules of the game we all know. We've been taught to be dutiful children, loving siblings, tolerant friends.

But when some of us realize that we've outgrown the status quo, it can feel like an act of rebellion and revolution as we transform the rules of a system that no longer works for us in search for a more authentic way of life.

At the very beginning of this episode, I walk through my "Getting to the Heart of the Matter" Flowchart, a tool designed to transform conversations away from shame and blame and towards authentic, loving connection. We then explore transforming cultural norms for healthier relationships and delve into:

1:03 A tour of my "Getting to the Heart of the Matter" Flowchart
6:40 My niece sulks and pouts if she doesn't win a game
11:14 An alternative to winning/losing
16:01 I feel bad. Does that mean I AM bad?
17:18 My friends are slower than I prefer. What can I do to change them?
22:30 Help! I'm my father's caregiver, and I'm burned out.
25:08 Resentment and disgust signal a need for a boundary
27:16 The journey back to wholeness can be counter cultural
41:51 How can I connect with my adult daughter?
47:09. The 2 keys to successful giving

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# 58 - Can We Inspire Care from Others?

Mon, 09 Sep 2024 11:00:00 -0400

Love cannot be ordered up.
Care cannot be demanded.

If we want certain people to love us, or care about us, is there anything we can do to make that more likely?

This episode explores various relational moves across three scenarios that might help to inspire more care for ourselves from other people. We discuss:

1:36 The stove is broken. How can I inspire my partner to care about this?
5:25 The two levels in every conversation: Tactical and Relational
9:43 How to amplify another's good intentions
16:59 How to have an honest discussion with a friend group?
21:05 Checking for shared purpose: Do you still want a connection with me?
23:36 How to show up differently in a conflict
31:23 Strategies for getting my HOA to care about our well water

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#57 - How Can I Get You to Be Real With Me?

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 10:00:00 -0400

We may be interested in living an authentic, honest life.

Unfortunately, that doesn't necessarily mean those we're closest to are interested in doing the same thing.

The easiest way to encourage those around us to show up authentically is by ensuring we make that experience as easy and enjoyable as possible for them.

In this episode, we discuss:

2:31 My daughter rescinded her dinner invitation and my feelings were hurt, and I pretended it was fine when I was actually really hurt.
13:34 How powerful requests can revolutionize relationships
17:10 Behavior is coded communication
23:46 My grandson won't greet me
28:30 A script for gathering the data needed to move forward
38:17 Getting Grounded in Our Goodness
40:30 How to interrupt interpersonal violence
46:12 A special offer just for you!

Two upcoming programs are discussed in this episode. Click on the links below for more info:

Fall Deep Dive: A Look at Grandiosity and Shame

March 2025 Retreat in Santa Fe

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#56 - How to Get More of What You Want: Difficult Family Member Edition

Mon, 26 Aug 2024 11:00:00 -0400

Navigating relationships with difficult family members can sometimes be a Herculean task.

This episode highlights four main strategies for walking the path of authentic communication with family members who can be hard to connect with:

1. Practicing the art of translating judgments into feelings and needs.
2. Maintaining deep connection with ourselves.
3. Locating the conversation in the present and not the past.
4. Melting defensiveness by creating enough internal capacity to be present to someone else's pain.

We discuss:

5:07 My family can be so judgmental. How can I communicate better with them?
6:26 How to practice translating judgments into feelings and needs.
16:10 The inside practice essential for staying grounded when someone else is activated.
19:17 "When we are helping someone else wake up to the dynamics of a situation, we want it to be as gentle as possible so they enjoy it and do more of it."
25:08 How can I establish trust with my brother who avoids me?
32:58 Want to change the same old complaint-filled conversation? Try locating the conversation in the present, not the past.
36:23 How can we begin melting defensiveness?
37:11 A script for moving forward when you need an answer and the other person is silent.
40:15 How to get more of what you want.

Something that can make it difficult for families to connect authentically with one another are the relational habits we fall into. This fall I'll be offering a practice group that dives deep into narcissism and shame and I'd love to see you there! Interested in learning more? Check out all the details.

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#55 - How to Stay Engaged When You Want to Run

Mon, 19 Aug 2024 12:00:00 -0400

Changing our default patterns in relationships takes intention and effort. Whether we're wanting to act differently with loved ones at home or with strangers in public, relational transformation starts by turning inward and working with ourselves, first.

In this week's conversation we discuss:

1.01 Find information on my upcoming offerings: Deep Dive into Narcissism and Shame and winter retreat Getting Grounded in Your Goodness
3:16 "My usual MO would be to run .." I want to experience myself in a new way, what can I do?
5:56 How do we establish shared reality with others?
9:47 The quickest way to kill generosity.
11:53 Finding courage to ask the hard questions I usually avoid asking.
14:49 A tip when dealing with avoidant attachment patterns.
19:36 Why demands don't work.
22:13 Meeting needs vs caring about needs.
25:25 The biggest gift we can give one another.
26:24 Responding to a child's unpleasant behavior with nonviolence.
33:33 Connecting with a parent to discuss their child's behavior
38:20 How to approach "feeling dismissed and invalidated"

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#54 - Fitting In vs. Belonging

Mon, 12 Aug 2024 11:00:00 -0400

This week's episode explores themes of belonging, and the human need we all share for community.

We explore:

1:59 I don't feel like I belong anywhere
5:50 Rising into grandiosity or sinking into shame
7:19 Belonging to Yourself
12:05 The role of reverence
14:03 How do I handle passive aggressive comments?
25:20 We're either repeating or transforming a dynamic
26:43 Make the implicit explicit
34:28 My friend takes a long time to text me back and it hurts my feelings

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#53 How To Change Other People (Nonviolently, of course)

Mon, 05 Aug 2024 10:00:00 -0400

This week's episode is an investigation into working things through in relationship: with our extended family, our mothers, our daughters, and ourselves.

We explore:

1:18 The dynamics I see in my nieces and nephews repeat the dynamics between my siblings and I get triggered. How can I help myself and them?
4:12 How to ground observations in micro moments
13:11 I wanted care and I didn't receive it. How can I talk about this with no accusations?
31:05 A script for sharing what you're needing now
34:00 How do I tell my daughter I long for more acceptance from her?
49:00 How can I support myself as I continue to grow into who I am?

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#52 - Addressing Racism at Work

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 11:00:00 -0400

This week's caller is looking for scripts that can help her call out some discriminatory dynamics at work.

She asks: "I am facing new challenges in my work environment. More specifically, I am noticing weird racial dynamics ( for example, staff of colour all scheduled for night shift, and day shift exclusively (no exceptions) staffed by white staff. I have also heard rumours of ‘racially hostile behaviour’ from colleagues and supervisors. For context, I am black/African. I also just notice gossipy, 2-faced behaviour. And all of this makes me feel unsafe. I want to do something about it but I feel so much fear. Any ideas?"

Listen along as we discuss:

6:57 The upside of anger and how to work with it skillfully
7:47 The importance of knowing what you WANT to say
11:10 "Why is this happening?"
13:04 "I'm scared I'll get fired"
21:09 Addressing issues from the power-under position

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#51 What Can I Do When Someone Hears Blame in Everything I Say?

Mon, 22 Jul 2024 14:00:00 -0400

It's a common - if painful - dynamic: we want to share our pain with another in the hopes of receiving empathy, but their best move is to try and fix our pain by finding fault with something we've said or done.

It is so hurtful to be blamed for our own pain.

In this week's episode, a caller asks a universally applicable question: "What can I do when I share my pain with my spouse and he blames me for it?"

Highlights include:

2:50 If all I get is blame, why should I even try to have the conversation?
7:03 How to ground a discussion in a micro moment
10:03 Scripts that help "waking up" feel pleasurable and not painful
12:05 Doing the inner work necessary for successful conversations
15:15 A script for getting to "Yes"
22:54 "I'm not trying to change you."
24:24 The role of our defensive system

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#50 - 4 Scripts for Common Situations

Mon, 15 Jul 2024 17:00:00 -0400

It can be so difficult to know what to say next. Whether you need to have a personal or professional conversation, sometimes finding the words are hard.

In this week's podcast, we script out four different conversations for four different scenarios. We discuss:

1:06 "Please tell me you love me, dad."
8:54 "I'm sorry, but you're fired."
15:47 "I want to stay. Do you want that, too?"
29:16 "Dear child, this is my boundary."

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#49 - When Belief Systems Collide

Mon, 08 Jul 2024 13:00:00 -0400

What do you do when you discover that a friend or loved one sees something in a polar opposite way to how you're seeing it?

Are you able to stay in a place of grounded, open curiosity, or do you find yourself getting worked up and activated, wanting to change their minds?

It can be very challenging to connect with loved ones when our belief systems don't match, or when our worldviews are colliding.

On this week's podcast, we tackle the hard work of connecting - with friends, with family - around hot button issues.

We discuss:

1:37 How can I connect with my parents who don't support my choices?
13:55 My best friend and I clash over Palestine
33:23 An NVC celebration regarding Human 101
39:27 Moving past the past

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#48 - What can I do when you get triggered?

Mon, 01 Jul 2024 18:00:00 -0400

As we run through our everyday lives, we'll inevitably bump up against other humans who might be less resourced than we are.

Catching others as they're having a bad day can provide us stellar opportunities to increase our own empathy, and we don't even have to say a word.

On this week's episode, we delve into ways to manage our own nervous systems amidst the triggered nervous systems of others, including:

4:24 How can someone be verbally aggressive and still profess love?
12:59 What yelling does, and doesn't do
16:54 How can NVC help me when I feel frozen?
24:06 How can capacity building help me field someone else's triggered reactions?
30:13 How can I get better at holding my own needs along with someone else's?
37:37 The 2 part practice for fielding someone else's triggered response

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#47 - Working with Anxiety

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 00:00:00 -0400

Do you ever worry that empathy is getting in the way?

In this week's episode, one caller worried that empathizing with his mother in law's fear of having cancer was actually making her anxiety worse, and not better.

On this call one of the things we discuss is anxiety, and some of the tips we can use when trying to empathize with someone who's feeling anxious.

1:51 My friend is dismissive when I try to talk about my body.
15:24 Our bodies have often been used as tools of oppression.
17:34 I'm confused, and you get defensive when I ask questions.
35:56 Dad, is your offer to pay for college still open?
41:45 Is empathy increasing the anxiety?
46:57 How can I stay grounded in myself when I'm falling for you?

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#46 - How can I use NVC to smooth out tension with my adult daughter?

Mon, 17 Jun 2024 13:00:00 -0400

It's only human to want the traditional NVC formula to solve all our connection problems.

However, what the traditional observation, feelings, needs and request paradigm often does best is help us sort our own stuff out internally, first. After we use it to get our own stuff straight, then we can experiment with the best way to connect with those around us.

Want to experience this with a real life example? Here's what we discuss on this week's episode:

3:31 When identifying feelings and needs is internal - not external - work
9:37 Getting wrongness out of the picture
13:40 A script for moving forward

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#45 - How Can I Listen to My Spouse When I'm Feeling So Defensive?

Mon, 10 Jun 2024 11:00:00 -0400

Do you find yourself plotting out how you're going to respond to someone even while they're still talking to you?

We all do this.

And it never works well. Not for any of us.

Upleveling our listening skills is one of the most important upgrades we can make for our relationships. Today's episode is rich with ideas of where to focus during a conversation in order to create an experience that fosters intimacy and connection for both parties.

We discuss:

1:20 I'm defensive and I jump to conclusions in conversations with my partner. How do I stop?
3:22 How to focus on our 2 internal listening resources
4:28 Tips for listening deeply
9:02 Surfacing universal human needs
14:12 How "right" and "wrong" block our ability to listen from our heart
15:58 Unlearning domination programming
22:11 The price of disowning anger

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#44 - The Sweet Spot Between Giving and Receiving

Mon, 03 Jun 2024 13:00:00 -0400

In this week's mini-episode, we delve into the needs that can be met when our family steps up to contribute to our lives in meaningful, important ways, and the loneliness and grief that can occur when they are no longer willing to help.

We discover:

2:53 My brother-in-law doesn't want to help me anymore and my feelings are hurt
7:30 A script for checking things out
11:27 Ways to honor freedom and choice

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#43 - How Can Rules be in Alignment with Nonviolence?

Mon, 27 May 2024 12:00:00 -0400

Having good boundaries is not the same as being violent, and enforcing rules is not coercion.

In this week's episode, we unpack a professor's desire to limit coercion and violence in her classroom and her desire to create a tight container that supports and respects participant sharing.

We consider:

2:52 Can mandatory attendance be in line with nonviolence?
10:52 How can I create a tight container nonviolently?
11:46 Having good boundaries is not the same as being violent.

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#42 - What to Do When Your Boss Criticizes You

Thu, 16 May 2024 12:00:00 -0400

It can be hard to enjoy work f you're in a power up/power down situation with a boss who consistently criticizes you.

It is especially challenging if you don't trust the perspective that your supervisor has.

In today's mini-episode, we discuss strategies for handling criticism at work in ways that build understanding and reduce tension.

Although a clean and tidy resolution may not always be possible, it is an option to go to bat for yourself and your needs, while also actively listening to what your boss offers.

In this episode we explore:

4:34 My boss' criticism feels like a way to control me
5:58 Her criticism tells you about her, not about you
10:42 Personalizing - not generalizing - impact
13:42 Reflecting her to her
14:09 Sitting in the tension of two perspectives

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#41 - How to Increase Your Self-Worth

Mon, 13 May 2024 12:00:00 -0400

High self-esteem is important because it influences how individuals perceive themselves, interact with others, and navigate the world around them.

By fostering healthy self-esteem, individuals can cultivate resilience, confidence, and well-being, laying the foundation for a fulfilling and satisfying life.

When our self-esteem is lower than we'd like, there's one fool-proof way to bolster it: by resting in our own goodness.

This week's podcast discusses some practical steps we can take to increase our own sense of self-worth.

We discuss:

4:49 When demand energy robs us of the joy of giving
13:55 A script for building intimacy by using curiosity
21:22 Is it ok to change my mind frequently?
25:54 A multi-faceted prescription for deeper connection with others
28:04 How do I navigate family gatherings when my relatives say hurtful things?
33:40 Tips for increasing self-worth

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#40 - The Wisdom Behind Anger

Mon, 06 May 2024 16:00:00 -0400

It can be really valuable to talk about the difference between anger and aggression.

Although aggression can't exist outside of violence, anger can.

This week's podcast discusses some of the wisdom that can present itself alongside anger, such as clarity surrounding needs, understanding regarding self-worth, insight around boundaries, and awareness concerning relational patterns.

Interested in knowing more? We'll consider:

1:30 Unpacking "I don't want to go to school today."
8:30 Responding to another's insistence and urgency
18:23 Is my fear accurate?
24:30 How can I untangle conflicting, overwhelming emotions?
28:45 One definition for anger
35:23 How can I work at loving myself?
38:00 A recipe for gentle self-acceptance
41:10 Confidence from the inside out

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#39 - A Roadmap for Discussing Differences

Wed, 24 Apr 2024 17:00:00 -0400

These days, it can be so difficult to discuss politics and religion.

Often, people tell me they just avoid those conversations. And honestly, I get it.

However, if we're invested in co-creating a relationship with someone we care about, exploring places where we hold different opinions and beliefs can be exactly the place where we build intimacy.

Looking for a roadmap on how to have conversations around different beliefs? Check this episode out!

We'll discuss:

1:17 I'm concerned about my fiancé's political views
6:09 A roadmap for connection: begin with observations
12:01 Making our invisible lines visible for others
22:50 Ways to involve kids in the conversation about their behavior
26:22 A tip for helping a child choose healthy strategies
39:06 When is it a boundary and when is it coercion?
37:26 Prioritizing the relationship above the behavior
41:23 What can I do when I'm frozen in an active power struggle?
54:13 What about adults who throw tantrums like children?

This episode references two of Yvette's best-selling courses: The Boundaries Masterclass and The Parenting Masterclass. Check them out for more helpful tips!

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#38 - How to Navigate Complex Family Dynamics by Checking for Alignment

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0400

This week's episode focuses on how to navigate complex family dynamics - especially when what has previously worked is no longer sustainable.

A common theme on this week's podcast is the importance of checking for alignment. If we're aligned in our needs and our wishes, then designing strategies to meet our goals is easier.

In question number one, a caller is rediscovering his sense of self and discovering the language needed in order to set new boundaries around old family dynamics.

Today's second caller longs for a deeper relationship with his adult son and we explore strategies to reconnect with someone who's choosing to stay distant.

If you're struggling with how to align with family members and reclaim your own boundaries and values in complex family dynamics, then this episode is for you!

We explore:

2:08 How do I stay true to what I need and stay connected with my family?
6:23 Avoid parenting your spouse.
9:48 "I had this delusion that my flexibility was building up some kind of credit."
15:20 A script to help check for alignment of family goals
24:34 How to pick up what the other person is saying so they feel heard
26:54 My eldest child doesn't speak to me. How can I change that?
28:21 A script for inviting connection
31:23 How to better attune to your adult child
35:11 A script to check for alignment
36:53 There's no such thing as a bad parent
41:18 How to listen to your child's feelings and needs without taking it personally
49:48 Three nuggets from The Boundaries Masterclass

The end of today's episode features a brief discussion of The Boundaries Masterclass, one of Yvette's available online courses. Feel free to check it out!

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# 37 - When Venting Is Valuable

Mon, 15 Apr 2024 13:00:00 -0400

"Venting" often gets a bad rap.

Even though many people see "venting" as an inherently negative thing, knowing how to vent effectively can actually be an effective way of reclaiming and reconnecting with yourself.

Sometimes, venting is just a pathway to something deeper, and we understand it as a step on our awareness journey.

Other times, we just want to process our experiences out loud with someone who will listen.

Either way, learning how to vent effectively is actually a critical skill to learn so that we can process our experiences in healthy ways without harming others along the way.

In this week's episode, we focus on two main themes:

4:29: How to apply NVC when there is little trust in the relationship
21:47: How to vent in constructive and life-affirming ways

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Click here, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." That way, I can know exactly what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, please follow this podcast. That way, you'll never miss an episode!

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#36 - Getting Grounded in Your Goodness

Mon, 08 Apr 2024 17:00:00 -0400

One of the things that can trip us up on our personal growth journey is to force the process before we're ready.

I can think of so many times when I've been longing to master a skill that I was still practicing, and then criticizing myself for where I was at in the process.

In this week's episode, we discover that the remedy for conditioning that inhibits us and the judgment that comes when we long to be other than where we are is getting grounded in our own goodness.

Questions we'll answer today include:

2:35: How do I tell my AA sponsor that I want a new sponsor?
19:17: How can I stop being so hard on myself and become grounded in my own goodness?
35:48: How can I help a friend take accountability for the negative impact her actions have on those of us in the friend group?

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#35 - How do I get my partner into therapy?

Mon, 01 Apr 2024 12:00:00 -0400

Today's conversation dives into the critical role of trust and communication in professional and personal relationships.

Some of the questions we answer this week include:

How do I handle having trust issues with my realtor? (0:58)
How do I get my partner into therapy? (17:41)
How do I decide whether or not to take a job opportunity that would keep me away from home? (34:37)

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#34 - Making Peace With Pain

Mon, 25 Mar 2024 12:00:00 -0400

There's a big difference between feeling hurt and being harmed.

In this week's episode I start with a few recent realizations from my own life regarding hurt and harm, and then we move into the following questions:

How do I respond to someone accusing me of gaslighting when the person remembers a situation differently from me? (8:40)
How do I talk about something painful and convey what I need to be helped or move past it? (26:57)
How do I connect with a person who is completely shut off? (35:39)
What do I do when I’m unsure if I want to continue a relationship with someone I feel judged me? (38:36)

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#33 - How to Manage a "Bait and Switch"... and more.

Mon, 18 Mar 2024 12:00:00 -0400

Have you ever felt like you're walking on eggshells during family gatherings or struggling with setting boundaries in relationships? Today's episode explores the nuances involved when we want get our needs met in a way that works for both people.

You'll get practical strategies for protecting your personal space during stressful times and scripts to help you navigate the choppy waters of family dynamics. Let's replace judgment with non-judgmental approaches and pave the way for deeper connections and more joyful shared experiences.

We also explore how criticism and judgments impact our relationships with counterproductive outcomes. The conversation highlights the benefits of approaching interactions with ease, collaboration, and co-creation.

What you'll discover in this call:

(1:12) How do I manage a bait and switch when making plans with family?
(21:09) How could I have a more positive transaction with a painting professional who is gaslighting me?
(34:45) How do I respond empathically when I am called combative for disagreeing with a person of authority?
(48:50) What do we do when we make requests and the others say "no"?

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#32 - How Do I Break My Freeze Response When I Hear A Racist Comment ... and more.

Mon, 11 Mar 2024 12:00:00 -0400

Empathy is a vital tool in our communication arsenal, allowing us to connect profoundly with others. It’s not merely about sympathizing with someone's situation but genuinely stepping into their shoes, understanding their emotions, and reflecting that understanding back to them. However, empathy alone isn't always enough, especially when faced with challenging dialogues that require us to assert our boundaries and viewpoints. This is where strength must accompany our compassionate approach, enabling us to express ourselves confidently and honestly without invalidating the other person's feelings.

Assertiveness is not about aggression; rather, it’s about clarity and respect—for ourselves and others. It’s about stating what we need and what we stand for without encroaching on another person's space. It is about respecting old and new boundaries while maintaining a loving and supportive connection.

Show notes:
(3:17) How do I deal with freezing when I want to stand up for someone or myself?
(14:38) How do I increase self-compassion and decrease self-judgment?
(22:34) What questions should I ask to avoid intellectualizing and instead get in touch with my emotions?
(30:37) How do I set up having an empathy partner?
(37:55) How should we respond when our child shares a life change but only wants our agreement or positive reaction?
(49:07) Showing gratitude and sharing how the conversation has provided learning
(53:25) Outro

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#31 - What's the Point of Going "No Contact" if I Feel Bad About It?

Mon, 04 Mar 2024 12:00:00 -0500

In this episode, the conversation is about the emotional rollercoaster of family estrangement, examining the layers of apologies and the fears around intimacy.

We explore the deep need for understanding and validation, particularly through the act of apology, which is dissected as more than a mere admission of fault but rather as an expression of empathy and a stepping stone toward healing.

We touch upon the complex interplay between advocating for oneself and showing empathy, especially when chronic pain affects one of the partners.

We also discuss crafting conversations that are both tender and truthful, ensuring that each partner feels heard and respected. This delicate balance between self-advocacy and understanding is crucial in times of pain and can help in how partners support each other.

Show notes:
(0:53) What is the point of setting boundaries when I feel bad about it?
(9:12) How do I address hearsay when it comes back to me?
(18:15) What I really want in an apology.
(24:20) Can I improve this relationship all by myself?
(26:32) How do I handle a fear about being intimate with a partner?
(34:28) How do I advocate for my needs without making the other person feel like they're being micro-managed or controlled?
(51:28) Outro

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#30 - Am I Allowed to Want What I Want?

Mon, 26 Feb 2024 12:00:00 -0500

In this conversation, we dive into the complexities of setting boundaries in the workplace and personal life. The ability to create a healthy space for oneself is not just about keeping others at bay but about nurturing interpersonal connections that are both compassionate and clear. The dance between personal limits and empathetic responses to others is delicate but crucial for fostering growth and resilience in all kinds of relationships.

Starting with the familiar setting of the office, we explored scenarios with colleagues who may need help understanding personal space. The guidance provided is practical and rooted in respect for oneself and others. It involves a nuanced conversation where one's needs are articulated without causing undue distress.

The conversation then extended into the personal realm, where physical interactions like hugs or massages can sometimes cross boundaries. We emphasized the value of open communication, highlighting how expressing preferences and discomforts is a gift to oneself and the relationship.

We also discuss the power of being a compassionate witness to others' experiences and how expressing genuine support can be transformative. Moreover, it examined the language used to humanize individuals and the responses to past relationships, shedding light on the nuance needed in these interactions.

Finally, we talked about the complexities of community work. A story about navigating a challenging situation with a resistant authority figure while advocating for the homeless was shared. Strategies for shifting from power struggles to collaboration, rehumanizing, and problem-solving for sustainable cultural shifts were discussed.

Show notes:
(1:01) How do I set boundaries with someone who is too touchy and too clingy without hurting their feelings?
(14:50) How do I ask someone to shorten the duration of their hug?
(19:05) How do I express my desire to help and be a compassionate witness to family members going through a conflict?
(29:59) How do I let someone know their compliment to me is something I do not consider a compliment without hurting their feelings?
(41:03) How do I get out of a power struggle with the system and have a more strategic conversation to help the community?
(56:40) What is your perspective on filial obligation?

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#29 - A Surprising Source of Courage

Mon, 19 Feb 2024 12:00:00 -0500

In this latest conversation, we dive into the nuanced world of personal boundaries and compassionate communication. It's a realm that many find challenging to navigate, as it requires a fine balance between honoring our own needs and respecting those of others.

We discuss the internal conflicts that arise when we must assert our personal limits, such as the fear of offending loved ones or being perceived as too demanding.

The topic of neurodiversity adds another layer to this discussion. We talk about how to advocate for oneself while still nurturing relationships, highlighting the significance of empathy in achieving effective communication.

Another focal point of the episode is the intersection of artistic expression and personal boundaries. We explore the tension between seizing creative opportunities and adhering to one's personal comfort levels. This dialogue serves as a reminder of the importance of self-respect in any field of work, especially in creative industries where the lines can often become blurred.

The episode also tackles the difficult subject of conflict and self-reflection. We examine the tendency to react defensively or aggressively when our boundaries are challenged. By recognizing and understanding our destructive patterns, we open up the possibility of responding with compassion and maturity.

Show notes:
(1:29) How do you communicate to friends why you can't go to their house because they found out that they have bedbugs in their house?
(13:33) How do I say to my mother that I need her to wait 10 seconds after asking me a question so I can process it and respond?
(22:19) How do I create and communicate boundaries when doing photography?
(32:24) How do I manage my energy when responding to negative evaluations?
(44:07) How do we determine when what someone is saying to us is an attack?
(56:15) Outro

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#28 - Fostering Empathy, Setting Boundaries, and Embracing Healing

Mon, 12 Feb 2024 12:00:00 -0500

In this episode, you will learn strategies for articulating concerns without offending, fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding. The nuances of respectful communication are crucial in any situation.

The conversation also touches on the challenge of managing demanding digital communication. By setting boundaries and providing clear timeframes, you can assert autonomy over your responses, reclaiming control over your communication and emotional well-being.

Lastly, the episode addresses the importance of setting and respecting personal boundaries, taking responsibility for your actions, and the bravery required to embark on a journey toward healing. It highlights the difficulty of navigating relationships with parents, where maintaining contact can feel one-sided and can be fraught with past traumas and fears of emotional manipulation.

Show notes:
(1:14) Yvette shares a celebration
(5:32) How do I express concerns about someone's driving without criticism?
(13:53) How do I respond to triggering emails and delaying responses to difficult conversations?
(28:29) How do I balance self-values and external philosophies?
(42:19) How do I deal with being estranged from adult children?
(53:10) Outro

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#27 - Intense Relationships and Personal Development

Mon, 05 Feb 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Have you ever felt caught in the emotional riptide of a relationship, where every push and pull seems to unearth deeper wounds?

In this episode, we talk about the cycle of conflict and the pivotal moments where emotional work teeters on the edge of being constructive or destructive. Our candid dialogue peels back the layers of reenactment in relationships, offering insights into how this phenomenon can hinder growth and healing, leaving partners spinning in a seemingly endless cycle of distress.

We also discuss the nuances of boundary-setting within Codependency Anonymous groups and beyond, examining the ways early attachment issues play out in adult relationships and support settings.

Show notes:
(0:55) How do you keep from triggering each other in a relationship?
(17:08) How do we find balance in our relationship?
(26:03) How do I establish boundaries and safety in a CODA meeting with a controlling person?
(35:24) How do I set intentions and strategies for a business meeting?
(49:33) How do I respond to a person who is in pain?
(55:34) How do I approach conflicts in a structured manner?
(57:50) Providing an example of an OFNR response to a fixing comment
(1:00:39) Outro

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#26 - [Solo] 9 Steps to Prepare for Challenging Conversations

Mon, 29 Jan 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Finding the right words is only part of gracefully navigating difficult conversations; what matters is delving into self-awareness, acknowledging how our past experiences shape our present interactions, and approaching every conversation with openness and honesty. By understanding our biases and triggers, we can better manage our emotions during challenging discussions. Additionally, actively listening and seeking to understand the other person's perspective can foster empathy and create a more productive dialogue.

In this episode, you will gain insights and strategies to maintain your composure and adhere to your deepest values, no matter the direction the conversation takes.

Show notes:
(1:39) What attachments get in the way?
(3:49) What needs to be brought into awareness?
(5:56) Whose insights do you trust?
(7:53) What to track as you go
(9:48) What's happening in your body?
(12:01) How to fill up ahead of time
(16:54) What's your intention?
(17:53) How can your imagination help you?
(18:54) Contingency planning

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#25 - Staying Connected During Difficult Conversations

Mon, 22 Jan 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Have you ever had that moment in a conversation where you just go "deer in the headlights" and aren't sure what to say next?

And then you notice yourself having a lot of judgments about what the other person said, but you also have "rules" in your mind about being "nice" and so you stall out?

On this week's podcast we dive into three compelling topics:

Protecting pets and animals from abuse
Holding space for a friend in a harmful relationship
And, responding to prejudice

If you've ever wondered how to have kind but direct and honest conversations about something that matters to you, this episode is for you. We explore what it takes to respond in courageous ways that allow us to be authentic and to show up with clear integrity, even if our authenticity and integrity might create awkwardness or discomfort for others.

Show notes:
(0:00) Intro
(1:18) After witnessing the abuse of a living being, how do I approach the person responsible?
(25:09) How do I help a friend who is ashamed because of harmful things their partner said to them?
(38:53) How do I regulate my nervous system and get in touch with needs and emotions in the moment?
(45:14) How should I respond to racial prejudice with someone who makes a negative comment?
(56:24) Instead of asking "why" questions, what is the better way of asking questions?
(59:17) Outro

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#24 - Building Communities of Support

Mon, 15 Jan 2024 12:00:00 -0500

Have you ever found yourself wondering who your people are, and where you can find them? Personal growth sometimes means we're surrounded by loved ones who can't receive us in the way we want to be received.

This week, we examine how we can approach imbalances with grace, advocate for our emotional needs, and communicate effectively to ensure that everyone, including ourselves, feels heard and valued.

We touch on the rawness of vulnerability, the importance of choosing companions wisely, and the sometimes painful process of letting go when the reciprocity just isn't there.

We also discuss the complexities of seeking honest feedback and expressing our communication preferences, especially when our defenses are down.

Show notes:
(0:00) Intro
(1:20) How do you ask a group facilitator to grant airtime to members fairly?
(20:45) How do I have others listen to me in the way that I'm listening to them?
(43:13) How do I find people with the same mindset I can connect to?
(49:36) How do I ask the people who matter for feedback without sugarcoating?
(52:25) How do I communicate my need to connect and feel heard in the moment more than finding a solution?
(56:35) Outro

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#23 - The Difference Between Wanting Validation and Needing It

Mon, 08 Jan 2024 12:00:00 -0500

As we navigate the delicate interplay between self-expression and the quest for approval, we unravel the truth that seeking affirmation isn't the villain we often paint it to be. In this episode, we talk about setting our expectations on how people would respond to our creative output and opening our minds to the possibilities of various reactions.

Regarding therapy, things can get complicated, can't they? It's like a dance of words and emotions, where sometimes you're unsure who's leading. We strip back the layers of uncertainty that cloak the therapist-client relationship as we explore how to foster clear, assertive communication.

Finally, we talk about honoring plans and the respect that comes with it, not just for others but for ourselves. Whether it's navigating a last-minute change of plans with grace or aligning your free spirit with the expectations of those around you, this episode provides strategies for clear, compassionate communication.

Show notes:
(0:51) How can I enjoy my work and let go of the fact that not everyone needs to love it?
(11:29) How can I honor my need to be seen and heard even when the feedback I receive is not what I expected?
(18:20) How do I ask my therapist for a roadmap after being blown off and dealing with the fear of asking again?
(41:31) How do I deal with my friend who feels disrespected when I change my mind about our plans?
(51:08) Outro

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#22 - The Essential Role of Self-Connection in Successful Relationships With Others

Mon, 01 Jan 2024 12:00:00 -0500

It's often said that we can only connect with others to the extent that we've connected with ourselves, first.

But what does that actually mean, and how can we use deep self-connection to actually improve our relationship with someone else?

In this week's episode, the role of self-connection comes up twice, and we discuss a method for processing through triggers outside of the relationship before bringing those feelings to our partner.

Processing through our own emotions and reactions in a safe and calm space away from our partner allows us to determine what work is our responsibility outside of the relationship, and what work needs repairing within it.

Being intentional about what we choose to work on in our relationships helps us create really clear requests, and allows us to calmly observe how our requests are welcomed by our partner.

Show notes:
(1:20) I have romantic feelings for my friend who doesn't feel the same way. What do I do?
(8:00) How to choose what to bring up to my partner
(16:10) I want my partner to grow with me. How can I make that happen?
(18:10) How do I tell my partner I want to go to couples counseling?
(28:09) My mother dominates holiday conversations. What can I do?
(39:18) How do I know whether to make a request or ask for feedback?
(42:46) How can I respond to someone else's negative reactions?
(54:43) Outro

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#21 -What To Do When Talking Gets Tough

Mon, 25 Dec 2023 12:00:00 -0500

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conversation, wondering how things got so heated?

We've all been there, and this week, we're peeling back the layers of authentic communication to help you navigate those tricky talks. We discuss the importance of personal growth and its transformative impact on how one perceives and interacts with family members. Recognizing the emotional undercurrents and approaching them with empathy and assertiveness is vital for setting boundaries and fostering healthier relationships.

We also tackle the challenge of timely and conscious communication. Addressing issues as they arise rather than letting them fester can break the cycle of venting and regret.

This episode emphasizes the power of asking for what we want without attachment to outcomes, paving the way for mutual respect and understanding. Through this, we underline the potential for personal growth and the cultivation of meaningful interactions.

Show notes:
(0:50) How do I prep for a mediation when I am in the dark about the nature of the upset?
(11:56) How do I improve the family dynamics and communication with a sister who bosses me around?
(28:38) How can I respond when someone tells me what I “need to” do?
(35:50) What are other options for dealing with my dad, who's in assisted living?
(53:11) How do I manage my feelings and support a young family member who says we never have enough time together?
(56:02) Outro

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#20 - How to Apologize: Two Examples

Mon, 18 Dec 2023 12:00:00 -0500

How we impact others, matters.

In an interdependent world, our choices and actions ripple out into the lives of others - either making things better, or worse.

Sometimes, we positively impact others through our vulnerability, our generosity, our humor - our essential and imperfect willingness to live from our shared humanity.

Other times, we fall short. Under stress or full up with our own buckets of pain, we can spill over in less kind, less connected, less vulnerable ways than we'd like. Our unawareness, our defenses, our disconnectedness, our unavailability in those moments can act like a drain, sucking energy out of interactions, or like a hedgehog - creating prickles and bristles in the place of connectedness and softness.

So what do we do when we've shown up in ways we now regret?

How can we restore connection, without losing our dignity?

When we ground ourselves in the part of ourselves that listens without judgment and connects without shame or blame, then our messier moments can become springboards for more intimate and vulnerable connections with others that actually build more trust.

By tuning into the impact we have on one another - intentional or not - and genuinely caring about one another's needs, we can find our ways into repair work that actually reconnects and helps us all learn and grown

As you'll discover in this week's podcast, greeting ourselves with empathy and understanding is a necessary (but not sufficient) first step if we're wanting to engage in deeper repair work with others.

Show notes:
(0:55) I haven't shown up professionally in the ways I've wanted to? How do I share that with colleagues?
(23:52) Someone emotionally exploded all over me and now I'm left holding the emotional baggage. What do I do next?
(48:55) What has been meaningful today? Input from call participants.
(54:56) Outro

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#19 - But If I Tell You No, Will I Still Matter to You?

Mon, 11 Dec 2023 12:00:00 -0500

Domination System Programming is very good at teaching us that our value lies in our ability to meet the needs of others.

To the extent that I make you feel good, I'm a pleasure to be around.

When I'm willing to override my own needs for rest or play and work instead, I am rewarded by being called "dedicated" or "motivated".

If I work hard at meeting your needs and put my needs last, I'm a "loving" and "giving" person.

It can be an absolute revelation when we realize we are not here to be used as a tool for others to meet their needs. Instead, as we discuss on this week's podcast, we are here to be subjective, sovereign human beings who are learning how to be in interdependent relationship with one another.

Show notes:
(1:33) Saying no feels scary but I don't want to be used. What do I do?
(5:40)How do I reveal myself without upsetting someone else?
(12:30)An example of a soft way to say "No"
(19:15) The difference between calibrating language and surviving someone's negative judgments of us
(23:25)I want the connection to another, but I need to impose a boundary. What should I say?
(26:26)Sometimes I lie to avoid others because it feels easier. How can I up level that strategy?
(36:00)My Ex needs help. Do I have to be the one to help him?
(42:15) How idealizing others can dehumanize them
(45:25) In Domination Cultures, the word "respect" is often code for "obedient"
(46:15) We are not here to be objects to be used by other people
(48:15) Tell me more about Domination Cultures
(49:52) How can I navigate a strained situation with more lightness?
(59:12) Outro

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#18 - You're Not What I Need, but I Don't Want to Let You Go

Mon, 04 Dec 2023 12:00:00 -0500

The richest and deepest of romantic partnerships is the type where each person is committed to a shared vision of a life together--where each person brings the best of themselves to the other.

So what do we do when we're all in, but our partner isn't feeling it? Or, if the tables are turned, how do we kindly disengage from an ex-partner who isn't ready to let us go?

Both sides of the intimate relational coin are up for discussion on today's podcast, in addition to a handy strategy for meeting our emotional needs during a break up.

Show notes:
(0:00) Intro
(2:45) My partner wants less commitment and I want more. What do I do?
(12:00) I'd rather have the hope of working towards a future with you than no hope at all.
(23:50) A practical strategy for redirecting emotional needs during a breakup.
(30:30) How do positive, encouraging messages fit into NVC?
(36:24) NVC as an outward performance.
(37:40) My ex wants to re-engage but I don't. How do I disconnect kindly?
(44:40) When you are finished, you get to be done.
(49:00) Do my needs cause others pain?
(56:00) The function of the words "I'm Sorry"
(58:30) Outro

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#17 - How Can I Share What I'm Learning Without Being Off-Putting?

Mon, 27 Nov 2023 12:00:00 -0500

This week's episode had several questions regarding offering Nonviolent Communication to others.

It can be very hurtful when we believe we have a method of communication that might help strengthen our connection with others, but our loved ones aren't interested in hearing what we have to say.

A suggestion? One of the best ways to inspire others to learn NVC is to live it.

Show notes:
[0:00] Intro
[3:40] How can I share NVC?
[8:32] What is the best way to inspire others to learn NVC?
[16:20] The importance of focusing on the process, not the content
[18:22] I want to be seen and known as competent. What can I do?
[27:30] How to respond to a demand
[35:30] We stay connected to others as far as we can stay connected to ourselves
[42:00] How can I integrate childhood messages that no longer serve me?
[46:00] Addressing the heart of religious trauma
[48:00] How can I skillfully ask for a reflection?
[50:26] Outro

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#16 - [Solo] The Protective vs. The Punitive Use of Force

Mon, 20 Nov 2023 12:00:00 -0500

It's no surprise that the increase of violence in the Middle East has me contemplating the use of force. Are we ever truly justified in using violence?

In fact, we are. When the protective use of force is engaged as a life affirming tool used in order to increase safety and security for all, then everyone benefits.

Do you find yourself looking for practical, on the ground ways that you can reduce your reliance on the punitive use of force and up level your skills regarding the protective use of force? Then look no further--this 20 minute solo episode provides some clarity as to the difference between the two uses of force, and three strategies you can try today to shift your consciousness from using force as a punitive tool of punishment to a protective tool of safety.

Show notes:
[0:00] Intro
[2:45] The first line of defense in conflict management
[4:25] When is the use of force necessary?
[5:58] The intention behind the protective use of force
[6:30] The intention behind the punitive use of force
[8:08] The quickest way to reduce all violence
[10:40] The cost of submission
[12:45] What gets in the way of embracing creative, nonviolent solutions?
[16:46] The benefits of the protective use of force
[18:00] The importance of dropping enemy images
[20:34] How can I up level nonviolence in my own life?
[21:37] Outro

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#15 - Boundaries vs Requests; Judgments vs Discernments

Mon, 13 Nov 2023 12:00:00 -0500

If you've been wondering what lies in the middle between judgment and observation, then this week's episode of the podcast is for you.

When focusing on making impartial observations instead of value laden judgments, we can sometimes forget about the wisdom that comes with discernment.

Discernment--the ability "to separate", is an essential, executive function. A synonym for discernment is understanding. You not only see what is in front of you, but also understand. It is possible to discern the nature of a thing without judgment or evaluation.

The theme of discernment is at the heart of one of the questions in this week's call. I hope you enjoy the discussion!

Show notes:
[1:45] What's the difference between a discernment and a judgment?
[5:50] How can I navigate a relationship with a difficult superior?
[13:30] But if I love others hard enough won't this make them healthy?
[16:01] The difference between a boundary and a request
[20:15] I don't appreciate being called "lady"
[25:20] How do I unravel my own colonial tendencies?
[31:00] The polarity of precise language and the spirit behind it
[38:00] So how do I respond to others' colonial beliefs?
[40:04] How can I bring up my needs to a new friend without seeming needy?
[52:03] Outro

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#14 - How to Break Through Codependency

Mon, 06 Nov 2023 12:00:00 -0500

Have you ever wrestled with the fear and discomfort that emerges when you want to shift your relationship dynamics? Are you grappling with codependency or struggling to express your emotions authentically with your parents? In today's conversation, we explore a daughter's heartfelt journey of wanting to honor her parents while navigating the challenges of building deeper connections. We talk about the courage it takes to invite our loved ones into new experiences and the vulnerability that comes with it. Our discussion extends to the wisdom of releasing demanding energies in our interactions, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and the freedom of letting go of specific outcomes. The latter part of our conversation is about parenting dynamics, as we observe an 8-year-old learning codependent behaviors from a mom aiming to break free from people-pleasing cycles. Together, we explore the art of expressing ourselves honestly, asking for what we need, and embracing detachment from external outcomes.

Show notes:
[1:08] Why is it so difficult to show up differently in my relationship with my parents?

[4:55] Why am I so uncomfortable when my mom says "I love you"?

[11:15] Using hindsight and foresight to heal in the present

[14:30] I'm worried this "fancy language" will alienate instead of connect us

[19:40] Where does our courage come from?

[22:15] How do I respond with empathy without sounding formulaic?

[25:16] How you react to me tells me about you AND me

[30:05] How do I prevent passing my codependency down to my child?

[36:00] How can I work on myself?

[39:00] Is it ok to ask others to show up differently?

[46:44] Outro

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#13 - What Blocks Empathy?

Mon, 30 Oct 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Navigating the complexities of relationships and communication can feel like a tightrope walk - balancing empathy with personal boundaries, all while staying true to ourselves. In this episode, we'll confront the fear of being seen as mean when declining unhealthy conversations and reveal the roots of codependency that stem from such situations. The conversation will go into untouched territories of self-shame and inner rejection. With compassion and understanding, we'll help you navigate tricky conversations and teach you how to support others without taking on their emotional baggage. We'll introduce you to pendulation and its crucial role in maintaining a healthy balance between self-protection and connection to our nervous system. Finally, with a strong focus on authenticity and self-respect, we'll explore the path to self-growth and the power of taking small steps to catalyze change.

Show notes:
[2:23] How do you get to your heart when someone's asking for empathy and you just don't feel it?
[4:47] What might be blocking empathy?
[6:21] How to help a sister in changing her sister's behavior and regulating their nervous system
[17:59] How to stop co-regulating
[21:54] How to the muscle of boundaries and self-regulation
[23:40] How to build a new relationship with our inner child
[28:50] How can my limitations not be harmful to other people?
[33:56] What does it mean to have conversations from the heart?
[38:33] Needing to feel safe and connect with others without losing ourselves
[42:21] What are some strategies to shift from critical, negative, self-shaming thoughts into self-compassionate words that land?
[44:26] How to translate judgment into compassion
[49:28] At what point is self-protection holding us back?
[51:44] Outro

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#12 - Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Improvement

Mon, 23 Oct 2023 12:00:00 -0400

In this episode, we explore emotional balance, fear, and self-blame and practical strategies that help to create a safer emotional space, neutralize self-judgment, and promote healthier attachments. Want to regain balance when your body is a fear state? Listen in! We cover the importance of creating an open, non-judgmental spaces for children to express their feelings freely, and how empathetic listening transforms relational dynamics. We talk about how to help children bring their felt experiences into consciousness and learn to neutralize judgment. We also touch on the importance of expressing our needs without coming off as instructive. We explore balancing self-reliance and allowing for nurturance, revealing vulnerability without teaching someone how to love us, and managing expectations of predictability.

Show notes:
[1:01] How to regulate your nervous system to find safety when triggered
[7:02] What is nervous system re-regulation?
[9:32] Why should you not empathize with fear states?
[13:01] How to reframe fault and blame in a divorce situation?
[16:49] Role-playing to learn how to explore conflicting feelings about the divorce
[25:32] How to handle self-blame in the divorce situation
[28:44] What is radical acceptance and self-improvement, and what does it mean to keep them in balance?
[30:13] What resources discuss blame and judgment being developmentally appropriate for children?
[37:25] How do you break the unhealthy attachment to comfort in chaos?
[43:28] How do you receive nurturing support from your community?
[46:30] Finding solace in shared experiences and empathic connection
[50:39] How do you teach someone how to be with you?
[56:26] Outro

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#11 - Transforming Faux Feelings

Mon, 16 Oct 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Picture this: you're engaged in a heated argument with a loved one, words are flying around, and suddenly, you find yourself saying, "I feel attacked!" But is it really an attack? Does this word accurately convey what you're feeling? This episode will take you on a fascinating exploration of true feelings versus faux feelings. We discuss how often our words fail to truly represent our emotions and delve into why words like 'attacked' or 'betrayed' may not adequately express our feelings. We also go into how mastering the accurate expression of our feelings can aid in fostering deeper connections. We share with you the best strategies for defending your boundaries without resorting to aggression and how to stay attuned to your emotions and needs. Moreover, we illuminate the importance of conversations that promote mutual understanding and connection, emphasizing the significance of recognizing and respecting our feelings, needs, thoughts, and perceptions. Listen in as we offer practical insights to help you navigate your relationships with newfound clarity and depth.

Show notes:
[0:00] Intro
[1:24] What is the impact of accusatory language
[8:31] How do you communicate clearly without triggering defensiveness?
[13:30] How to flip the mindset and meet boundaries
[15:15] Non-violent listening and fostering connection in conversations
[19:56] Exploring systems and dynamics of self-protection
[29:52] What two key things distort our perceptions?
[32:30] How do you stay non-violent when listening?
[35:12] How to choose growth vs. acceptance in relationships
[38:23] The reason we often stay too long in miserable relationships
[40:15] Switching therapists for different perspectives
[41:36] How do you disengage from someone being aggressive?
[46:06] How to know if a feeling is real
[48:11] How do you achieve a connection with another person?
[51:29] Outro

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#10 - How to Reclaim Your Inner Truth

Mon, 09 Oct 2023 12:00:00 -0400

In this episode, we break down how to identify and understand your actual needs and feelings. We also demystify the power dynamics within the family system and how they can distort our perspective in relationships. It's not about right or wrong; instead, it's about understanding and healthily managing our feelings and needs. In a society dominated by a culture of suppression, we often learn to hide our feelings and needs. We focus on obtaining favorable judgments from others; in the process, we lose touch with our inner selves. Developing literacy of feelings and needs can be transformative. It helps shift your attention from external influences to your body and mind. By tuning into our feelings and needs, we can identify what is truly important to us before we hit the "red alarm" zone. This proactive approach to personal growth helps us make informed choices about our well-being. Through our discussion, we aim to help you reclaim your sense of self and navigate conflicting narratives within your relationships.

Show notes:
[1:11] What are faux feelings and needs, and what are their differences from actual feelings and needs?
[20:22] How do you receive someone when you sense faux feelings and then add real feelings in communication?
[27:54] How do we recognize and respond to harmful situations?
[30:31] What would a healthy culture or family system look like?
[36:03] How do you let go of resentment?
[37:11] How do you recognize if you are developing narcissistic traits?
[52:32] Outro

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#9 - Natural Giving vs. Coercion

Mon, 02 Oct 2023 12:00:00 -0400

In our latest podcast episode, we explore the intricate dance between coerced and natural giving. I talk briefly about the spiritual underpinnings of my work and my deep commitment to helping you trust your inner authority. We dive into some real-life situations, including someone who finds it difficult to nurture herself in front of her mother and the delicate balance of giving and receiving in our relationships. We also cover resentment and how to acknowledge our needs without judging them. These conversations are as raw and real as they get! Let's journey together towards more compassion, understanding, and nonviolent communication.

Show notes:
[1:10] The difference between coerced and natural giving
[7:36] What does natural giving sound like in practice?
[12:54] How to say no when a yes represents self-sacrifice, without harming your connection
[14:43] Scripts for saying yes or no to requests from others
[19:15] Someone shares that they did what bothers them to another person
[22:14] How to honor your feelings and needs when you've learned to suppress them around certain people
[33:50] Where to get help with healing family systems
[36:03] How to handle bullies
[44:43] How to have clarity on what you can and cannot change, and conflict avoidance
[46:54] How to address shame and rebuild relationships
[53:48] Outro

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#8 - What to do when you want more--or less--than someone else

Mon, 25 Sep 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Navigating relationships can feel like walking a tightrope. It's a delicate balance between understanding and respecting our own emotional needs while also being mindful of those of our counterparts. In this week’s episode, we talk about the nuances of setting boundaries and the impact of unresolved trauma on relationships. We also talked about the delicate dance between self-connection and self-responsibility amidst the intricacies of emotional needs. Join us as we highlight the significance of self-care, exploring how to manage our behavior without imposing our expectations on others and how to remain open-hearted and motivated in our relationships.

Show notes:
[1:10] How do you navigate through a rekindled, yet somehow very different, relationship?
[19:32] How to deal with the conflict of finding out the level of relationship you want to commit to?
[24:39] How do you find balance in relationship dynamics while also putting focus on self-mattering and self-advocacy?
[32:30] Are you allowed to say no to people?
[33:33] Is it time to quit a job? And do you have authority issues?
[42:38] How to communicate boundaries gently and respectfully?
[47:57] What is the difference between setting healthy boundaries and having a controlling behavior?
[55:18] Outro

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#7 - Fielding Judgments with Empathy

Mon, 18 Sep 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Have you ever wondered how to navigate family conversations while skillfully maintaining your dignity and compassion? Are we responsible for someone’s trigger? Or how do we defend ourselves from the judgment of others? In today’s episode, we will talk about those and more. We talk about the power of empathy and understanding in conversations that could quickly escalate into conflict. We also encourage you to voice your truth, set your boundaries, and stand firm in your beliefs, no matter what. So buckle up; this is going to be a powerful episode.

Show notes:
[1:20] How to respond empathically to a painful text from my father?
[10:57] What is a boundary, and how do I set it?
[17:31] How do I defend myself from others’ judgments in empathic ways?
[20:35] How do you field someone judging you, and how do you advocate for yourself when you’re being falsely accused?
[29:14] How to make peace with the tension that arises between a misinterpretation and the truth of a situation
[32:31] How to interrupt someone going on and on and on
[34:34] How do I apologize for a mistake I made?
[36:30] Are we responsible for not triggering other people?
[45:44] My marriage feels lonely - what are my options?
[57:16] Outro

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#6 - The Dance Between Empathy, Self-Protection, and Boundary Setting

Mon, 11 Sep 2023 11:00:00 -0400

In this episode we explore the balance between setting self-care boundaries, while staying in connection with and empathizing with others. Ever struggled with the fine line between remaining empathic, but not enabling abuse? This episode is a heartfelt exploration of empathy, boundaries, and self-protection. Don't miss out.

Show notes:
[1:36] When do we empathize vs setting a boundary? Some principles.
[5:50] What to do when money from parents comes with strings attached
[21:30] How clarity relaxes our nervous system
[26:38] What would be an empathic response when you're being accused of gaslighting?
[35:07] How can I get others to be less jarring to my nervous system?
[41:34] How do you respond empathetically to demands and urgency?
[48:02] Why is self-empathy so hard for me, and what could I do about it?
[57:23] Conclusion

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#5 - Building Bridges through Empathy, Communication, and Self-Awareness

Mon, 04 Sep 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Ever wondered how to navigate the landscapes of empathy, self-reflection, and interpersonal communication, with grace and compassion? Prepare to be enlightened. Together, we'll explore the importance of understanding our how to separate out the external stimulus from the our internal reactions, especially irritation, and lovingly accepting them without judgment. We dive into how to trust your intuition, listen with a wider lens and absorb what feels right for you. We talk about the importance of making the implicit, explicit and how attuning to present moment needs lead to wisdom.

Show notes:
Separating Stimulus vs. Response (2:30)
Learn the art of listening and understanding the difference between stimulus and response in conversations.

Asking Someone to "Share the Air" (5:41)
Explore effective techniques for encouraging active participation in group discussions.

"Screaming in Giraffe" (12:30)
Delve into the concept of advocating for yourself nonviolently and improving communication.

Inviting Others to Care (17:41)
Discover ways to invite empathy and support from others without making demands.

Giving Advice Mindfully (20:20)
Find out when and how to provide advice by attuning to needs and self-soothing techniques.

Seeking an Empathic Response (36:15)
Learn how to respond empathically when faced with criticism or an attack.

Dealing with Siblings and Limited Resources (49:00):
Explore strategies for managing challenging family situations when resources are limited.

Conclusion (56:12) Key ideas and insights

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#4 - The Power of Presence in Navigating Relationships and Self-Care

Mon, 28 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Are you ready to unlock the delicate dynamics of your relationships? In this episode we talk about the importance of making implicit information explicit, and explore how compassion, proactivity, and understanding can transform your interactions. You'll get practical tools for creating more understanding and awareness, essential for effective communication and fulfilling relationships. Join us in today’s episode to learn how awareness and self-compassion practices can help you respond differently to triggers, giving you greater control and understanding. In a fun twist, we incorporate a listening quiz to evaluate our listening habits and discover how nonviolent communication can enhance these skills.

Show notes:
[1:10] Addressing communication and relationship needs
[14:35] Navigating relational dynamics and boundaries
[21:31] Difficult conversations and self-care in relationships
[29:43] Self-care in challenging relationships
[36:42] Setting boundaries, seeking help for others
[44:16] Training to increase awareness and choices
[55:08] Check out my website for a fun listening quiz about Listening Archetypes

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#3 - Harnessing the Power of Conscious Anger

Wed, 16 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Are your friendships and familial relationships causing you to lose sleep? Do you feel as though you're walking in a minefield when trying to communicate your feelings and needs? In this episode, we unravel the complexity of these emotional dynamics, offering practical strategies to help you navigate and cultivate healthier relationships. We talked about trauma, violence, and emotional healing. We underscore the need for openness, respect for consent, and mindful communication when seeking help. We discuss strategies to prevent the cycle of violence and ways to work towards healing consciously. The power of conscious anger, its role in expressing our human rights, and how it can be harnessed in a healthy, life-affirming manner is also mirrored in the conversation. So, tune in and equip yourself with valuable insights to navigate your emotional challenges and relationships.

Show notes:
[3:57] What do you do when your friend stops communicating with you?
[22:08] Communicating with an increasingly aggressive elder parent—how to approach this authentically
[34:43] Diving deeper into taking your problems in a professional, private setting
[49:53] Separating the difference between an expression of intensity and intense emotion expressed in a self-responsible way
[52:55] The wisdom behind anger
[57:21] Let’s talk about competition and awakening the feelings long buried
[60:16] Outro

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#2 - Healing Rifts: Building Bridges Through Communication

Wed, 09 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Are your family ties feeling like chokeholds? Is it difficult to draw a clear line in the sand with relatives without sparking a feud? This episode is your lifeline.

Join us as we venture into the labyrinth of family dynamics, charting a path towards healthier boundaries and building stronger connections. We emphasize that it's never too late to seek professional help and to redefine ourselves beyond our behavioral patterns. Whether you're grappling with the aftermath of a heated dispute or simply seeking to improve your communication skills, this episode will equip you with the insights and strategies to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Trigger Warning: In this episode, a returning caller discusses an argument that escalated into domestic violence within a relationship. While the focus is on applying principles of nonviolent communication, connection, and compassion, sensitive topics are addressed; the episode delves into nuanced discussions about the acceptability of violence, trauma, and healing, including future explorations of different forms of force. Listener discretion is advised as descriptions of domestic violence are included, alongside conversations about setting boundaries within family and workplace contexts. Click here for the transcript.

Show notes:
[3:02] How do you create and navigate boundaries with family
[11:03] Setting boundaries
[14:25] On seeking reassurance
[23:48] Healing and repair in relationships
[32:46] Healing discharge and breaking cycles
[47:15] What is violence?
[49:18] On effectively saying “no”
[59:07] Conclusion

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#1 - What Deep Need Are You Trying To Meet

Wed, 02 Aug 2023 12:00:00 -0400

Have you ever been embroiled in a power struggle within your relationships, unsure how to navigate the tension and conflict? Welcome to the first episode of Conversations From The Heart. I am your host, Dr. Yvette Erasmus, and this week, we discuss exactly that - offering an insight into the dynamics of such struggles and providing strategies to move from a place of conflict to one of compassionate connection. We discuss attachment styles, how they can impact our relationships, and the importance of moving away from a punishment mentality to create space for connection and compassion. Join us for this exploration of maintaining compassion and understanding in challenging relationships. Read the transcript here.

Show notes:
[0:43] Navigating power struggles in relationships
[8:42] Build the community outside of your partner
[14:33] Who are the people you need on your side?
[19:28] Create your container—what it really means
[23:53] Maintaining compassion in difficult conversations
[30:02] Navigating conflict and seeking justice and healing
[40:04] Go for change and stand for change
[48:45] Addressing why I use pronouns
[52:30] Outro

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Welcome To Conversations From The Heart

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:00:00 -0400

Welcome To Conversations From The Heart. I am your host, Dr. Yvette Erasmus and I’m here because I long for a kinder, more honest world where most of us feel nourished, seen, and able to meet our human needs in relationships that matter.

I’m a clinical psychologist whose work is rooted in the belief that we can heal disconnection and cultivate compassion. Growing up in South Africa with a father working for the apartheid regime and a mother fighting for human rights taught me how fractured our world can be and how important it is to bridge divides. Hosting nonviolent communication practice groups while studying psychology and peacemaking sparked the conversations that eventually became this podcast.

My approach draws from NVC consciousness as well as archetypes, shadow work, somatic practices, developmental psychology, and the writings of many teachers including Diane Musho Hamilton, Marshall Rosenberg, bell hooks and Pema Chodron.

In this space we practice heart-based courage: staying present when it’s hard, owning our feelings without blaming, and exploring new scripts for old patterns.

My hope is that these conversations inspire and support you in living with more clarity, compassion and connection. Let’s explore what becomes possible when we stop bracing against life and begin opening to it. Let’s walk together toward a more peaceful, humane world and settle in for meaningful conversations from the heart.

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