Am I Broken: Survivor Stories

S4 Ep2 - Claire "I Ignored It and I Believed Him Because He's the Storyteller [Neil Gaiman]"

Sun, 28 Jul 2024 14:00:00 -0400

Claire (she/her) uses a pseudonym to share her story about being groomed and sexually coerced and manipulated by world-renowned author Neil Gaiman. We discuss the power of stories and fame, and she shares how journaling, therapy, and friendships have helped her find her center in her own story. We originally spoke in 2022, and at that time she decided she wasn't ready, but said that if other survivors came forward, she would join them. Several weeks ago two women came forward and shared abuse stories about Neil Gaiman. Claire reached out to me to support herself and them and all survivors by sharing her story today.

Support the podcast at patreon.com/papillondeboer

S4 Ep1 Lindsey - "I Remember Thinking I'm Selling My Soul to the Devil"

Sun, 19 Feb 2023 15:00:00 -0500

Lindsey (she/her) tells her story about being groomed, taken advantage of, and sexually violated by a leader in Canada's psychedelic healing world. Learn how she finally recognized the abuse, and found her way to healing and resolution. In this episode, she asked to use a pseudonym and to have her voice masked, as she says this prominent facilitator is currently pursuing legal action against those who speak out about his abuses.

Support the podcast at patreon.com/papillondeboer

S3 Ep8 Kat - "I Certainly Lost Faith in People"

Mon, 02 May 2022 17:00:00 -0400

Kat (she/her) shares her story of sexual violation during 4 days of a psychedelic therapy session with a well-known clinician. We discuss the healing she was seeking in the first place, the compounding of trauma, and what she both gained and lost from this experience. She requested to use a pseudonym and to have her voice masked to protect her from retaliation by this licensed psychedelic therapist and his organization.

Support the podcast at patreon.com/papillondeboer

S3 Ep6 Hannah - "You're Gonna Have to Pay for This"

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 15:00:00 -0500

Hannah (she/her) shares her stories of childhood sexual abuse from several local church leaders in her small town, including her grandfather. We talk about purity culture, keeping secrets, and self-harm. She describes the difficulties of her healing journey, as well as what has helped along the way, including art.

Support the podcast at patreon.com/papillondeboer for $5/month.

S3 Ep5 Pat - "This Person Held the Trust of So Many"

Mon, 31 Jan 2022 15:00:00 -0500

Pat (they/them) shares a story long held secret, about their employer and colleague who offered to be their tantric teacher, then lied and manipulated and abused them. Hear how they healed from the trauma of not just that relationship, but also the ejection from that community, and what took them deeper into their own family history and catharsis.

Support the podcast with $5/month at www.patreon.com/papillondeboer and gain access to some particularly interesting behind the scenes out takes from this episode, and others.

S3 Ep4 Gabi - "This Has Happened Before"

Sun, 02 Jan 2022 21:00:00 -0500

Gabi (she/they) calls out two local perpetrators - a friend and community leader who sexually assaulted her during a massage, and the CEO of a solar power company who sexually harassed and assaulted her. We talk about failed community justice processes, and how telling her story and naming the offenders has given Gabi an increased sense of strength and power.

Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/papillondeboer

S3 Ep3 Elle - "I Have This Connection With Her, And I'm Betraying Her"

Wed, 01 Dec 2021 18:00:00 -0500

Elle (she/her) shares her story of a sudden betrayal by her eating disorder therapist, a sexualized violation during their last meeting. She describes the conflict within herself as she receives various feedback from family and friends, and then learning that her other therapist is filing a report against the perpetrator. After a return of previous trauma response behavior, Elle finds her way along her own healing path.

Support the podcast for $5/month at www.patreon.com/papillondeboer

S3 Ep2 Tom - "Didn't Make Space For Any of My Truth"

Sun, 31 Oct 2021 17:00:00 -0400

Tom (he/him) shares his story of how childhood sexual abuse primed him to be sexually abused by his high school counselor, believing for years that they had a good relationship. He describes how this also set him up to be similarly enthralled by a professor and supervisor at his graduate school who also violated professional boundaries as well as his trust and vulnerability. We discuss the messiness of our own truth and feelings emerging about sexual abuse by someone we loved and trusted. Tom is a pseudonym, and he chose to have his voice masked for additional confidentiality.

Please support the podcast for $5/month at www.patreon.com/papillondeboer
Or ask questions or share feedback at agencyofchange@gmail.com

S3Ep1 Lee Anne - "But It Wasn't Over"

Fri, 01 Oct 2021 16:00:00 -0400

Lee Anne (she/her) shares her story of being assaulted on a date with a firefighter. Being polyamorous was one more reason she was reluctant to file a police report. She describes her healing journey, which included support from her husband, and finding new boundaries for dating again, when she was ready. As a medical practitioner, Lee Anne also shares how her own trauma helped her refine her approach with clients.

Support the podcast for $5/month at patreon.com/papillondeboer

S2 Ep12 Deborah - "I Didn't Know What I'd Done Wrong"

Mon, 31 May 2021 21:00:00 -0400

Deborah, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Clinical Addictions Specialist, shares her story of coming to terms with several sexual assaults as well as returning memories of childhood sexual abuse. She details her struggles with not only addiction, but disordered eating, and her success with sobriety, AA, and intuitive eating.

Support the podcast for $5/month at:
www.patreon.com/papillondeboer

S2Ep11 Kellie - "He Would Get This Certain Look In His Eyes"

Fri, 30 Apr 2021 23:00:00 -0400

Kellie, a licensed clinical mental health counselor, tells her story of intimate partner sexual violence, including severe manipulation and control behaviors by her boyfriend at the time. We discuss her exit from that relationship, other types of abuse she has suffered, and how she found healing through EMDR and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy.

Support the podcast at https://www.patreon.com/papillondeboer

S2Ep10 Rachael - "All of a Sudden It Came Tumbling Down"

Wed, 31 Mar 2021 21:00:00 -0400

Rachael, an LCSW, shares her story of returning memories at age 38, of childhood sexual abuse by her father. She describes her healing journey, including telling her family and cutting off her father, as well as finding wholeness with the support of her wife. We also discuss some of the spiritual aspects of doing healing work with sexual trauma.

Support the podcast at:
https://www.patreon.com/papillondeboer

S2Ep9 Janitta - "We Are All in a World Full of Broken People"

Mon, 01 Mar 2021 09:00:00 -0500

Janitta, a life coach, shares her story of being sexually abused as a child by various family members, and sexually assaulted and harassed as police officer in adulthood. We discuss the intersection of black culture and sexual trauma, and her perspectives on the generations of trauma in her family. She describes her arc of healing through her faith in her God.

To learn more about her story, you can find her on YouTube as Janitta Nichols, on Instagram as IamJanittaNichols, and her book about her journey is "The Secrets of My Mother".

And you can support Am I Broken: Survivor Stories via patreon.com/papillondeboer

S2Ep8 Jamie - "I Thought I Had Caused All of It"

Sun, 31 Jan 2021 15:00:00 -0500

Jamie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Certified Sex Therapist, shares her story of multiple incidents of child sexual abuse and rape as an adolescent. In addition to offering many insights and helpful terms as both a therapist and survivor, she also describes how her trauma has impacted her work, and in her view, prepared her for working with other survivors specifically.

Support the podcast at patreon.com/papillondeboer

S2Ep7 Veronica - "Coercion Is Still Rape"

Sun, 31 Jan 2021 15:00:00 -0500

Veronica, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, describes being sexually coerced, manipulated, and assaulted during a long term relationship. She shares how she left the relationship, and how her experiences inform her work as a therapist, including using appropriate transparency about her own trauma.

S2Ep6 Mark - "Because I Didn't Have Power"

Sun, 31 Jan 2021 14:00:00 -0500

Mark, a licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, describes being groomed for years by a teacher, and growing out of the abuse rather than ending it. He shares his own healing journey, including a powerful EMDR therapy session which provided major insight and growth.

S2Ep5 Carey - "Someone Else Was Supposed To Protect Me"

Tue, 01 Dec 2020 18:00:00 -0500

Carey, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor, shares her story of extensive childhood sexual abuse, amidst a chaotic family environment exacerbated by two addicted parents. She describes her healing journey, including sobriety, and how the therapeutic modalities she first encountered as a client inform her work with trauma survivors now.

S2Ep4 Grey - "And Now Suddenly I Had Lost Control of My Own Story"

Tue, 01 Dec 2020 17:00:00 -0500

Grey, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, shares their story of childhood sexual violation by an older neighbor, and how they attempted to keep it a secret until sharing with a family member, who reported it to Grey's mother. Grey describes their healing journey in reclaiming and understanding their own story, and how that experience impacts their work with clients.

S2Ep3 Eric - "I Didn't Have My Own Feelings"

Sat, 31 Oct 2020 20:00:00 -0400

Eric, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (and more, including addictions and sex therapy) shares his story of covert incest, and how he was confronted with his own trauma and worked to heal it. In this episode, he shares a number of valuable resources for recognizing and healing from covert and emotional incest, which he uses in his work with love- and sex-addicted men.

S2Ep2 Angela - "It Feels Like They're Grains of Sand"

Sat, 31 Oct 2020 20:00:00 -0400

Angela, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, shares her story of a whole spectrum of unwanted and abusive sexual experiences, including date rape as a teenager. She details what was useful in her own healing journey, and how it enables her to work effectively with couples.

S2Ep1 Poppy - "All That Rage Came Out of Tremendous Loneliness and Pain"

Thu, 01 Oct 2020 18:00:00 -0400

As the host of Am I Broken, I share my own story of sexual abuse, fragments that I've recovered over the years, and how the trauma and the healing I've done impact my work as a therapist.

S1Ep17 Bonus Episode 3 - Mapping the Healing Path

Wed, 03 Jun 2020 10:00:00 -0400

Papillon and Andrew discuss the Healing Path - what is it? What does healing look like, and what identifiable steps can it include?

S1Ep14 John - "By Trying to Protect Yourself So Much, You Actually Injure Yourself"

Fri, 29 May 2020 13:00:00 -0400

John shares his story of sexual abuse when he was five years old, by a teenage babysitter, and the secondary trauma of his parents refusing to support his recovery. He describes suffering from extreme anxiety, and using opiates to cope, and his struggles with addiction. John's faith and his self-regulation skills have helped his healing journey.

S1Ep13 Tomi - "It Felt Hopeless"

Fri, 29 May 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Tomi shares his journey through flashbacks of incest perpetrated by his mother, and additional sexual abuse incidents outside the home. He describes his struggles with substance abuse and the healing and growth he found through Alcoholics Anonymous, and then Adult Children of Alcoholics. Tomi now understands that he was not born rotten, but that he has trauma symptoms that were a product of sexual abuse.

S1Ep16 Bonus Episode 2 - Mapping the Healing Path

Fri, 22 May 2020 16:00:00 -0400

In this bonus episode, licensed trauma therapists Papillon DeBoer and Andrew Barnett discuss their work with male survivors, focusing on working with shame and boundaries. These issues are near-universal for all survivors of sexual trauma, and so this episode should be helpful for survivors of any gender, loved ones of survivors, and therapists.

S1Ep15 Bonus Episode 1 - Mapping the Healing Path

Mon, 11 May 2020 15:00:00 -0400

In this season's bonus episodes, licensed therapists Papillon DeBoer and Andrew Barnett describe working with male survivors for Our Voice. This first episode covers how safer space is created for survivors to do group work. The bonus mini-series is complementary to Am I Broken, and is intended for survivors, allies and therapists to gain a refined perspective on healing sexual trauma.

S1Ep12 Taylor - "There Was Just This Open Wound That Wasn't Healed"

Sat, 02 May 2020 17:00:00 -0400

Taylor shares his story of, from a young age, being not only sexually abused, but also verbally and emotionally abused, and gaslit, by an older sibling. As a result of this abuse, he finds himself unable to set boundaries or believe his own experience. And as he ages, he experiences sexual harassment from teachers, professors, and a therapist. Taylor shares his journey with creating a palette of safety, and beginning to trust in his own perspective, and from there, the birth of his daughter helping him realize the gifts that he already has both within and without. He also describes both useful and unhelpful group therapy experiences.

S1Ep11 George - "I Did Not Understand What He Was Doing"

Sat, 02 May 2020 17:00:00 -0400

George describes growing up in a large Catholic family, and being sexually abused by 3 different priests over the course of more than a decade. He shares his slow journey out of blaming himself for the abuse, and believing that he was a "shitty person" - healing through his marriage, and group counseling. Having locked away a part of himself, George shares his process with carefully opening back up, and learning to care for and protect his little boy inside.

S1Ep9 Larry - "My Body Isn't My Own"

Tue, 31 Mar 2020 21:00:00 -0400

Larry describes being raped and stalked by his RA in Job Corps

S1Ep8 Ben - "I Did Not Have Any Memory Even Then"

Sun, 01 Mar 2020 14:00:00 -0500

Ben describes piecing together details from his own behaviors and several mental breakdowns, resulting in a revelation that he had been drugged and sexually assaulted at 8 years old by an adult neighbor.

S1Ep7 Antanas - "It Was a Violent Transaction"

Sun, 01 Mar 2020 14:00:00 -0500

Antanas describes a sexual assault in adolescence by his closest female friend, to whom he looked for protection from bullying.

S1Ep6 Stephen - "And I Believed What He Told Me"

Thu, 30 Jan 2020 15:00:00 -0500

Stephen describes how he was molested as a child by a farmhand, who used the fact that Stephen was adopted to manipulate him. Stephen also shares the story of how, as an adult, he confronted that pedophile on his deathbed.

S1Ep5 Mike - "It's Not Consent"

Thu, 30 Jan 2020 15:00:00 -0500

Mike shares his story of multiple victimizations as a child and teenager, including one sexual assault by a priest.

S1Ep4 Matthew - "And He Was Like, That's Just Something We All Have to Go Through"

Fri, 13 Dec 2019 13:00:00 -0500

Matthew describes the sudden recovery of a memory of childhood incest, and the effects it had on his life.

S1Ep3 Jamal - "I'm Not Imagining Something, I'm Actually Remembering"

Fri, 13 Dec 2019 13:00:00 -0500

Jamal describes the arrival of fragmented childhood sexual abuse memories, first by a neighbor, and then by a stepfather.

S1Ep2 Brett - "All I Could See Was the Bad Things"

Fri, 13 Dec 2019 13:00:00 -0500

Brett shares his story of childhood sexual abuse by a babysitter, which he kept secret until adulthood.

S1Ep1 Calvin - "Second Degree Sexual Assault on a Minor"

Fri, 13 Dec 2019 13:00:00 -0500

Calvin describes his childhood sexual abuse by a mentor, who he learns also abused other boys. The case goes to court.