Welcome to our final conversation with Nathan McTague of The Center for Emotional Education. This portion of the conversation is about deescalation.

Rebecca and Nathan look at how intentionally connecting with our children throughout their childhood can help us when we get to the teen years, by giving them and us the tools needed to move through intense emotions as they come up, before they escalate into something hard to handle. They also discuss ways to compassionately work with our teens in those situations where emotions have gotten very intense and the situation has escalated or morphed into something it wasn't about originally.

By honoring the emotional brain and allowing space for our children to experience their emotions in a safe environment, we can help empower them and teach them how to remain connected with themselves, with us, and with others.

Rebecca and Nathan discuss the roles of the sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous systems, and Nathan offers some practical, accessible tools to help us and our children trigger our para-sympathetic nervous systems and remain or become regulated.

Resources from this Episode

The Center for Emotional Education

We're back again with Nathan McTague for more Q&A about raising boys. This portion of the conversation is about teenagers, and how to maintain connection with them as they make their way toward adulthood.

There is territory that can be tricky, with developing brains wired differently than before. Emotions often come up that may be more intense than before, and teens have a strong, natural urge to become an individual with one's own identity.

If we have laid the groundwork by modeling healthy relating, by empowering our children to be able to identify their own feelings and needs, and by maintaining a connection with our children, we do not have to buy into the ideas of teenagers breaking away and becoming disconnected from us.

Rebecca and Nathan talk about exciting ways of looking at allowing our children to have space to allow their own feelings and experiences, with us standing by lovingly. There are tools that we have not needed thus far that are appropriate now at this stage, which will help us navigate the new waters of teen-hood alongside our children, in connection with them.

Resources from this Episode

The Center for Emotional Education

We're back this week with Nathan McTague, the co-founder of the Center for Emotional Education and co-creator of the Feeleez line of social and emotional learning tools. He's a long-time parent educator and full-time father. Our conversation today is about modeling healthy relationships for our children. We want to prepare them to recognize and develop healthy relationships once they go out into the world. Many of us were brought up without this behavior being modeled. Instead, we were simply told the "proper" way to behave. Rebecca and Nathan explore what it means to use relationship as a powerful teaching tool for our children.

As parents, we all have a similar concern when it comes to raising our kids (both boys and girls). What's going to happen when they start to go out and have their own relationships? Have I done enough to prepare them to connect with others and have healthy relationships?

Most importantly, we have been teaching them about relationships their entire lives. This is true from the time they were newborn to whatever stage they're in now. We have been modeling how to treat others, how to resolve conflicts, how to connect and appropriately get our needs met, and how to reconnect after disconnection.

Resources from this Episode

The Center for Emotional Education

Q&A: Talking about Bodies and Sex with Your Kids

Jamie's Question:
I am loving being a boy-mama. My sons are almost 10 & 12. The "challenges" I'm having are (although I don't have a "problem" with this – just mystified confusion) why EVERYTHING relates to a penis. Everything. "Heh-heh…that rock looks like a penis, you smell like a penis, that cloud looks like a penis. PENIS." LOL!! But… why?? I don't remember hearing girls talk about vaginas.

And I'm wondering how much I should "push" to have conversations about sex & sexual matters. Everything including erections are common topics, but they really shut me down when I try to take it to another level. Should I just talk to the air but out loud, should I zip it, should I just hand over a book, or wait until they are more open to talk about more? I just don't want them to get used to holding back. I'm thinking that later it would seem awkward for them to initiate the conversation. Like I can't imagine, "So about this thing that's happening…"

We all have to navigate this with out children, talking about their bodies.

There are different strategies that may involve talking about it sooner or later, getting to the sex question in particular. Where Nathan started in thinking about everything related to a penis is that it's really weird having one. He prefers to refer to people as either penis wearers or vagina wearers, because gender roles are starting to break up. It's becoming more difficult to talk about boys and men and women and girls. When we get to this stage, he brings out the terminology of "penis-wearer" and "vagina wearer."

Being a penis wearer, regardless of how you identify or what your sexual preference ends up being, it's different than being a vagina wearer because it is so "out there." It bumps into things, it causes weird sensations, it gets caught in the zipper, it reacts strangely in certain situations. It's a constant thingie metaphorically "in our faces." There's a propensity in varying ways for penis wearers to live with that. Some do it with a version of "let's make a joke- this looks like a penis, that looks like a penis." That's one version. Touching it a lot is another version of coming to terms with it. Avoiding it is actually another way of coming to terms with it.

Nathan has 3 girls and did not have the experience of everything being about a vagina. But he does have the experience of 3 very different experiences of relating to one's vagina. Even girls become aware of it and even girls play with it, so it isn't just a boy thing. But we see it more with boys in part because it is external. It's an external item. There are more opportunities for it to be a weird or funny thing.

There's another level of boys entering pre-teen and teenhood that it is also kind of taboo. Penises are never just a penis. Once you reach teenhood, there's almost always some kind of connotation, whether it is sexualized or making a joke or something derogatory, by calling someone a name. I think it's similar to when kids learn how to cuss. We can say this thing and it's it kind of incendiary? We can talk about penises and it is automatically funny and taboo without a lot of pressure or the stakes being very high.

On the one hand, you have to grin and bear it. Also, as Rebecca talked about, there are things that definitely are worth claiming a boundary, so that our boys get a sense that taking your penis out in the living room and starting to play with it is generally not considered what the rest of the herd wants. And while that's perfectly fine to do for yourself, it is generally considered more conducive to herd happiness, the rest of the family, group or community, for you to make that a private event. Or between you and your lover, eventually. There are useful boundaries to claim or useful information to give our boys around how to investigate themselves, or hand

Q&A: Healthy Masculinity

We start our conversation today by discussing toxic masculinity. This can often refer to a way that we culturally train boys becoming men to relate to others in ways that are not respectful or connecting, and then missing empathy and the ability to manage feelings.

Healthy people are able to connect with themselves and others, to respect themselves and others, and able to be with their own feelings and the feelings of the people in their lives. We want to talk about the ways that we can encourage our children to grow up to be healthy in these ways.

The question sent in for today was specifically about how to help our boys navigate "locker room talk" so that they don't become a victim of some kind by not participating, but can handle those situations they may find themselves in. The topic of respect is at the forefront once again – respecting our children and holding boundaries so they learn what that feels and looks like.

Resources from this Episode

The Center for Emotional Education

I'm excited to welcome Nathan McTague back as we discuss some questions that listeners sent in. We heard from many of you that you enjoyed our discussion about raising emotionally-healthy boys, and we hope you enjoy the Q&A as well. We'll be spending the next three episodes on listener questions.

In this episode, we start with early life and the developmental process that happens, and weaving in empathy and connection as our children grow into adults.

Question: Why can't my kid just wipe?

Let's talk about that in terms of boundaries and connection. How can a parent navigate that and help them as their child grows?

Remember that wiping is a complex motor, and a certain amount of empathy and understanding go a long way. They're going to be experimenting and trying to get a handle on this skill, and it may take a while. It's also worth it to think about how we may feel we should be able to show them once and then be done. But there are actually multiple levels to any task. We'll need to keep checking in or add in the next level strategies. So we can talk with them about how to wipe, then check back to see their progress, and be patient. Hold back from methods or strategies that end up being coercive. ("I'll give you candy if you go on the potty," or shaming if they have an accident. Avoid those extremes.)

Connection is a great strategy. Find out what your kids' interests are. Some kids are really goal-oriented and will want to get this down. Have a discussion to discover what is really going on underneath the lack of motivation. Nathan shares a lovely story about how he connected with one of his daughters around this topic and it took the stress out of it, ultimately strengthening their relationship.

One of the biggest topics in this episode is respect. Respect isn't just a one-way street. It's important to respect your child and find a way to co-create a solution. It wasn't until after Nathan really listened to his daughter, and she knew he really got her that she could hear what he was trying to say.

We want our children to respect themselves, but we also have to respect them. We have to show them what respect looks like. We can't expect them to just to respect themselves and us when they're teens.

When we're asking for respect, we're not modeling it. It's only when we get in the habit of showing them that we respect ourselves and showing that we respect them that they get how to actually respect themselves.

In so many parenting situations, whatever the current thing is that you're trying to work on, sleep or bathroom, siblings, trouble at school, it's the same thing- the method is almost always connect first, share the respect and help them develop that way of relating to themselves and others. Connect with them and be in connection with them.

The lovely thing about it is that we teach them to do it by doing it, and it helps them to develop a way of being that is connective with themselves and others. You make it happen by doing it over and over again.

We'll be back next week with another listener question!

Resources from this Episode

The Center for Emotional Education

We're back again this week with Nathan McTague to continue our discussion on raising emotionally-healthy boys. If you didn't hear the beginning of our conversation, you can find it here: Episode #40.

In this episode, we talk about how to support our children when they are angry or upset. Similar to when children are little, we can use the skill of being patient and waiting, being with them to name their emotions but not trying to make anything specific happen faster. We may feel uncomfortable with them feeling uncomfortable, so we want to fix what we perceive as the problem and make the discomfort stop. Our own vagal system is preparing to protect itself and we're feeling what they're feeling in that moment. So we need to focus on getting ourselves back to a state of regulation so we can support them.

We can use our own nervous system to help them to regulate.

When you wait, taking your own deep breath, you make space for them to express how they're feeling. We can really try to identify in our own empathetic network what that experience is like for them. Let's say it's anger. You have a sense of what that's like for him, understanding that the anger has a place and it's normal. He's a young man having feelings and he's having trouble controlling himself. You can understand where he's coming from. Through the course of making space and listening, you may get more information about what's going on for him. Just be with him in the moment, not trying to fix it, just listening and validating.

Our impulse may be to fix the problem and that will make the feelings stop. Try to do the opposite and push into the feelings, and that will give our kids a chance to safely, and with connection, allow those feelings out. It isn't really about the issue, but rather emotions that are stuck and need to be released.

Physical release of emotion

If your child has a natural proclivity to go physical, you might encourage going a little bit physical. You just want to make sure that you aren't teaching them that physical release is the only way to move the emotion. If it is feeling to them like there needs to be a physical action, some people punch a pillow. Nathan shared that he goes out and shovels something- snow if it's heavy enough, dirt is good, but compost is the best. He goes out with a crow bar and stabs it. He doesn't have to go physical as much as he used to, but sometimes feels a level of emotion that really needs to move, that he can't release through crying.

Crying is still good

That said, crying is ok and it needs to continue to be ok even as kids get older. Crying is an intentional biological mechanism to help us unload stress. Cortisol is literally off-loaded into our tears. When we stop that, we're plugging up the valve that allows that to move out of the body. Despite pressure from the outside world, we have to work really hard to continue to make crying a clear option for our boys. They need a safe space. There may be other spaces where it isn't ok to cry, but make sure they know it's ok to cry with you.

Our kids see that crying and feelings aren't always accepted by others. We can use the opportunities that come up in the real world to strengthen the culture we're building in our own homes. Instead of hoping it works out for the best, encourage parents to dig in there. When you see that someone isn't feeling safe to cry or express feelings, mention that it's "such a bummer that they come from a place in their lives where that's not safe for them. What a tragedy that they don't have a safe space to cry in their world. It is ok. There are places in the world where they have incorrect information about that."

We're in a time of cultural change and we can fill our kids in on the details, so they don't s

How can we best support our boys when they are young and as they grow into men? There are many cultural messages for boys around feelings, so how do we navigate that territory? How do we stay respectful of our boys' biology and neurobiology? We want to make sure we are creating the space for their emotions and really respecting that they're different than we are as women and moms.

In this episode, Rebecca talks with Nathan McTague of The Center for Emotional Education. They discuss how emotion is actually processed in the brain, the real needs of children who are experience intense feelings, and how testosterone causes all kinds of "wonkiness" for teenage boys.

How emotion is processed in the brain

If we don't get proper support when experiencing intense emotions, the wiring for dropping into a lower brain state every time emotion comes up is altered. The result can be adults who have to go on a long walk or need 3 or 4 days to calm down. When children have support and have top-down processing of emotion (access to their thinking brains), they wire to have access to higher brain functions when they're upset. Younger kids can't do it on their own and they need us to help them to train their brains to calm.

These days, there is an increase information and support for positive discipline, but even that better information doesn't really include this piece of supporting children through their feelings. They create a safe space for cooling out. With younger kids, we train them to need that to manage emotion. But this is supposed to be co-processing. We don't learn to calm in isolation, we need to learn to regulate our emotions in connection.

That's part of why we get triggered in their emotions.

That's the opportunity for us to link up and connect emotionally. It can be triggering for us at first. There's a moment when we can't tell who is having the emotion. As we work with that, we can really use the link-up as an opportunity to work it out and get to a brain state where we can work together.

In teenhood, it all gets wonky.

There's a lot of reorienting going on in the teenage brain. We talked about Joe Despenza and the idea of neurons that fire together wire together, which has also said by Dan Siegel. The neurons that have been wired together get stronger. Where there are weaker connections, trimming happens. The pruning is supposed to make the brain more efficient but the pruning itself can also make the brain a bit wonky. How long does the wonkiness last? From approximately ages 14-25. (!!!!)

But the good news is that it isn't all a mess in there the whole time. Different parts of the interruption happen at different times. Frontal lobe reorganization happens early and decision-making becomes less reliable, as well as self-awareness and staying with a decision they may have previously made. It may be hard for them to remember things they know work for them.

Nathan shared that his almost-15-year-old daughter no longer wants to talk about it when she's upset. She'll accept a hug, but doesn't want to explore why she's upset. They have found that just holding space with her for a while is helpful. She has realized that she knows talking about it always helps, but it doesn't feel like the right thing at that time. She knows it helps, but that part of her brain is not online enough to guide her actions in the moment. This is not uncommon for parents of teens to run into.

Testosterone adds more complication

That situation can be more complicated with boys because of testosterone, which can shut down productivity. The emotion that comes with the surge of cortisol heightens the effect of testosterone and they can end up going more "gorilla." Even if they've been used to c

Whether you're expecting a boy or already have one in your family, we want to do our best to raise them to be emotionally healthy members of our families and then their own families one day. But how do we do raise emotionally healthy boys?

We begin our podcast series about Raising Boys with a conversation between two moms – Lianne March and Rebecca Thompson Hitt, both moms of boys. Lianne has a 13-year-old son and Rebecca has two sons, aged 14 and 19.

Today's conversation tackles understanding emotional patterns in your family as it pertains to different members of your family of origin and just to notice if there are any specific patterns that are drawn on gender lines. There is even a worksheet that you can download to look at your own family's patterns. You might just see something you hadn't before. Remember, this is all about bringing patterns into conscious awareness, so you can make a choice about them, not about blame or shame.

They talk about when their boys were young and what they noticed regarding what kinds of toys and activities their boys gravitated towards and how that changed as they grew.

As mothers of teen boys, they also share about their experiences of noticing the shift that happens as boys enter puberty regarding emotions, physicality, and the need for some more risk. Lots of real life examples and stories are shared.

This series will be recorded during the month of April. Next week, we'll be talking with Nathan McTague from The Center for Emotional Education.

We welcome your questions on this topic. Just send us an email and we will do our best to answer them for you!

Resources from this Episode

We'll be updating this page with more resources about raising boys as we receive recommendations so be sure to check back!

FREE Printable PDF: Exploring Your Family Patterns

In this episode, we brought up a whole bunch of questions for you to consider about how you and your family handle feelings. It can be really interesting to think about what things were like when you were growing up, and then see how things are in your family now. Notice what things are similar and what's different.

We added more questions than we even discussed on the podcast, so be sure to sign up below and download the PDF and spend some time working on it. You may want to print out a copy for yourself and your partner to do separately, and then see whether things were similar or different for you.

Sign up here: https://consciouslyparenting.com/podcasts/podcast-episode-39-moms-thoughts-about-raising-boys

I have gotten a lot of great feedback from that from other parents who feel pressured to push their kids to separate before they're ready, or judged because their kids aren't ready to separate but other people think they should be and blame the parenting for this "problem". All of you out there whose children are not ready to separate when it seems like the majority of kids are doing it are not alone. I want to encourage you to keep listening to your children and following their lead, letting them know that they will be ready one day, and that it's ok if that day isn't today.

Preparing to leave the kids

At the end of January, 2018, I attended the Consciously Parenting family cruise retreat with Rebecca and several Consciously Parenting families. It was a really lovely time of support and connection, and I am looking forward to the next retreat, whenever and wherever that will be. I highly recommend joining these events!

As I was preparing to be away from home, I did a lot of talking with my kids about how things would be while I was gone. Since I would be going on the retreat as Rebecca's assistant, I decided not to bring my family along. It wasn't an easy decision to leave them behind, but I knew from previous experiences where I had responsibilities during events that everyone would be happier if I wasn't trying to divide myself between work and family.

We know our kids best

I let my kids know about the plan as soon as we had decided for sure that I would be going. My friend Cristina would go along as my roommate, leaving her family behind as well. She didn't tell her kids until closer to the time, because more notice is not helpful for them and only adds to the stress. But in my family, I knew my kids needed as much time as possible to adjust to the idea and be prepared. It's so interesting how each of us makes the best decisions for our individual children and there's no one-size-fits-all way of doing things.

My kids were pretty upset about the idea of my going on a cruise without them. Our family really enjoys cruising, and they wanted to go along too. However, once I explained what I'd be doing and how I really would have to spend a lot of time working and we wouldn't get to just hang out like we usually do on cruises, they both agreed it would be fine for me to go alone.

Alexa's main concern was about being tucked in at night, so we established a new routine immediately where both my husband and I would tuck her in every night instead of just me. That way he'd have plenty of practice to get it right. 😉

By the time cruise week was upon us, everyone was ok with the plan and I felt confident that they'd be fine without me. There were some nervous feelings, and tons of extra hugs, but no serious anxiety or anything like that.

The night before

The night before I had to leave, as I was packing my clothes, I asked Alexa to help me find some books I could bring along for the kids who would be part of the retreat. We ended up reading through some of them together, including The Kissing Hand series. If you aren't familiar, the little raccoon is nervous about going to school and missing his mom, so she kisses his hand (giving him a "kissing hand") and he's to put the kiss on his face anytime he needs to and remembers "Mama loves me, Mama loves me." I kissed her hand like the mom in the book, and she rubbed mine on her cheek for me.

Supporting Your Kids - Understanding your child's perspective of gun violence and how you can support them.

Kids will show you that something is bothering them through their behavior, not necessarily with words. They may be more aggressive than usual. They may seem sullen or quieter than normal. They may seem to have more energy. They may start to get sick more frequently or more severely. Our culture may label these things as misbehaviors or unrelated to things that have happened, but I've learned that most of the time they're actually signs of stress, of a story that they can't make sense of, or something that they need more support to handle.

Remember the Polyvagal Theory and that we first want our kids to turn to others- adults- to help them know they're safe and calm their stress response? To be the adult they turn to, we need to invite them to speak or to show us what they're experiencing. We need to make room for their feelings and create a space that's safe for them to be vulnerable and share.

What's all this like for your kids? And what does it mean when no one talks about them? Lock down drills. Seeing things on the news. What's their perception of safety? How are their teachers feeling? What can they do to feel like they have choice or that there's something they can do for themselves?

While I wholeheartedly agree that we need to encourage our kids to be nice to one another and to connect, I think it is really important to recognize that we're blaming the victims when we put these complicated situations that adults don't know how to handle, indeed many professionals don't know how to handle, on our kids. Our kids are supposed to be kids and the adults are supposed to keep them safe. That's the role of the adults. But since the adults aren't keeping them safe, they're needing to do more adult things right now to make the changes and do what we, as adults, haven't been able to do for them.

Next month, we're going to be talking about raising boys. Even if you don't have them, you know them and can help others with boys. This is part of the new story. We need to work together to support one another. It matters. The more people our boys have in their lives that they trust, the better.

Resources from this Episode

http://time.com/5011599/gun-deaths-rate-america-cdc-data/

Dr. Miller article: http://washington.cbslocal.com/2015/12/04/mass-shootings-american-psyche/

On-Demand Course: Consciously Parenting 101 (pay what you can)

Finding your Mama Bear is about your perception of safety and doing something. It's about the need to keep our children safe and how that impacts our nervous systems.

Find ways to be proactive – whether that's pulling your child out of school until the problems are properly addressed at least in the short term, finding programs or efforts that you support that you feel are moving things in the right direction – whatever that means to you.

In the first week of our series on Gun Violence, we talked about listening to understand. We talked about the Old Story and the New Story (Charles Eisenstein) and the importance of staying connected in our own families. We talked about how part of listening is recognizing that we all want our children to be safe. Whatever the other messages are and how they're currently being communicated, we have that in common.

In our second episode, we looked at the Collective Trauma of Gun Violence and the importance of the social nervous system and connection. Today, we're talking about Finding Your Mama Bear and your perception of safety and finding something you can DO to keep yourself feeling safe without isolating.

As we begin talking today about Finding Your Mama Bear, I want you to consider all the ways that other parents are responding to the stress of what's happening right now. Remember that at the core of it all, all parents wants their children to be safe, even if we all have different ways of looking at the problem and the solutions. We need to start somewhere.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

-Margaret Mead

Slow down and connect with yourself

I'd like to invite you to slow down for a moment and connect with yourself. How are you feeling right now? When you think about what's happening in the United States of America and its Gun Violence, what happens in your body? Do you feel energy mobilizing into your arms or legs? Do you feel numb? Are you feeling hopeless? Do you feel scared? There's no right or wrong answer here. Just notice what happens for you.

Are you able to connect with others or have you found most spaces really aren't safe? Do you have a safe space to talk about all of this with your friends? Your partner? Other parents? Are you able to engage the social branch of your nervous system and find a sense of safety within you?

I'd like you to invite you to feel your feet. Wiggle your toes. Feel the edges of your body starting at your feet. You need to be present in your body to find your Mama (or Papa) Bear. Then feel your seat beneath you. Wherever you are right now, you're safe enough to be listening to or reading this. Take a nice deep breath and feel that.

We're going to be looking at things that you can do to help make things feel safer for yourself and your kids, but first we need to make sure that you're connected to yourself.

Allow yourself to just notice what comes up when you check in with your body. What do you need? Are you in a stress response? Check in with your heart – is your heart beating hard and fast or can you barely feel your pulse? Are you hot, cold, or just right? Are you breathing normally, hard, or shallow? Just notice. Your body is communicating with you.

Do you need to move your body? Just notice.

Keep checking in with yourself as you listen to the podcast. Next week, we'll build on this idea and help you check in more with your kids and what they need.

Fight,

Safety is one of the most basic human needs, and the repeated occurrence of such attacks on helpless, and often arbitrarily chosen victims, takes away from people's ability to trust that they will be relatively safe as they go out into their world.

The collective trauma that many Americans have experienced in bearing witness to such tragedies in schools and other public spaces, that either are part of their daily environment or resemble them closely, has caused many people to develop an ongoing defensive stance that can resemble the post-traumatic response of actual trauma survivors. Many people have understandably become more hypervigilant, less trusting of strangers, more isolated, more easily startled, and even more paranoid in spaces they once associated with safety and a positive sense of community. The rage and helplessness that are engendered by such acts of senseless violence, especially when they are in the news with increasing frequency, are difficult to resolve due to the relative powerlessness of individuals to make changes that can make them safer without totally isolating and paralyzing them.

When people can no longer presume relative safety on a daily basis, they may relate differently to others internally, become numb, or become preoccupied with preparing themselves for survival. Survival and self-protection are healthy natural instincts, but most of the time in non-traumatic lives they are not called on daily, because they make it so difficult to be present for the other aspects of life, and keep the mind/body in a hyper-sensitive state. While not all Americans feel this way as a result of the shootings, many may feel subtle changes in that direction that may not even be conscious, as traumatic responses often are not in full awareness.

The effects of hypervigilance

While it is statistically unlikely that you or someone you know will be involved in gun violence, the fact that we prepare regularly with drills keeps our minds and bodies in a state of hypervigilance. We can't maintain those levels of stress and stay healthy, so we either go into denial and disconnect from what's happening because we can't change it anyway, or we stay in a heightened state of awareness, in anxiety. As a country, we have low levels of this happening right now as a part of the collective experience. And this is without us or our loved ones actually having been the victim of such violence.

The CDC reported in 2016 that there were an average of 30 gun related homicides per day in the USA, for a total of 11,000 homicides. The other 63 gun related deaths per day were suicides. These are not small numbers.

We're all impacted by this violence that is becoming so common that some are beginning to confuse it with normal.

What's happening in our bodies and our nervous systems?

Today I want to talk with you about what happens in our bodies and our nervous systems when we are collectively experiencing gun violence. I'm going to be talking about Stephen Porges's Polyvagal theory, and the work of John Chitty, who has done a great job of helping to explain the way the nervous system really works. It's important for you as an individual, and especially as a parent, to understand how this works and why it's so important to talk to your kids about their experience of what's happening for them.

The nervous system, according to the Polyvagal Theory, has 3 main parts: social, sympathetic and parasympathetic. For simplicity, we can look at them as connect, gas, and brake. They are set up from the newest to the oldest method of returning to safety.

We have a serious problem in the United States of America with gun violence. It feels really scary to us and we've felt powerless to make it stop.

This podcast series is about gun violence, safety, and support for families, In this first episode, we're going to be looking at what it takes to really listen to understand, and another way we can look at what's happening with the boys and men in our culture that I haven't seen anyone talking about.

Next week, we'll be taking a closer look at Gun Violence as a Collective Trauma – what it does inside our bodies when this is happening in our country. After that, we'll be looking at what's happening for YOU in Finding Your Mama Bear, followed by what's happening with your kids and what they need in Supporting Your Kids.

Today, we're talking about listening to understand.

Everyone is shouting.

It's been happening in our country for a long time, but it has gotten increasingly loud, and true listening is happening less and less.

Maybe it's the fear. The fear of each other. The fear of not knowing what's going to happen to us. The need to control something that feels completely out of control. It could be the way that things are being talked about – putting up defenses before the conversation even gets started. Whatever it is, we stop listening and we get nowhere. 

Perhaps we need to stop listening to the media, who seem to be adding to the fear, and empowering those who feel strongly about something to shout louder and listen less. And by not listening to the media, I mean turning off your television if you still have it on and finding your own sources. Read both sides, even though it's hard. Model that for your older kids.

Maybe it's a byproduct of this age of disconnection when we're communicating without seeing each other's faces. As humans, we get so much out of facial expressions, eye contact, and body language, but our virtual world is devoid of these communication cues. And our children are growing up in this environment. What impact does that have on them?

We need to learn to listen to one another.

Today I'm going to talk about the general climate, the roots of violence, and something called ACEs to look at what might be happening with these individuals who are hurting and hurting others so violently.

Parents right now seem to have two main fears specifically related to parenting. One is that their child is going to be a victim of gun violence, especially going to school, church or another public place. The other is that their child could grow up and be that person who is violent.

When we can remember this, it can help to put us on a similar page with most other parents.

When no one feels heard, the shouting to be heard gets louder. We also feel really isolated in so many ways as parents, and we either feel like we just can't take on one more thing or we feel like we have to do it on our own.

The Old Story and the New Story

Charles Eisenstein, author of The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible, talks about the Old Story and the New Story. The old story is a story of separation, disconnection, depersonalization, isolation, of needing to do everything ourselves. The New Story is one of connection and interbeing, that we are inte

Have you walked through the store and noticed the how the colors indicate whether that section is meant for boys or girls? When I once went to a store looking for a present for a friend's daughter, I was really surprised by the bright pink aisle and the fact that the toys were different than the ones in the aisles meant for my boys. And not just a little different.

The differences between the pink aisle and the blue aisle were quite obvious, but I wasn't really seeing the bigger picture, the subtle messages, of gender stereotyping.

What messages do we send our children?

As a parent, I really thought a lot about the messages I directly communicated to my boys, especially the ones common in our culture that suggested boys needed to be tough, couldn't need anyone, and certainly shouldn't be expressing their vulnerable feelings. How were they going to be kind human beings if this was the expectation of them? I felt like I was swimming against the tide! I took great pride in nurturing them, snuggling with them, and encouraging them to come to me when they needed support. It felt like I was encouraging them to just be human and that shouldn't be something different or unusual.

Those were the obvious messages I consciously thought about. But what are the other messages we are directly and indirectly giving to our children? And what else is being communicated through our culture to boys and girls?

I'm so grateful for this conversation with Afsaneh Moradian about her new children's book, Jamie is Jamie, and about gender and gender stereotypes. This is such a timely conversation with the #metoo movement and parents really thinking about what we need to do to raise children who are prepared to be decent human beings.

We're living in such a different time from years past, where many men are actively participating in the lives of their babies and children, yet our language and the way we talk to girls and boys hasn't really changed. Perhaps this is a place we can consciously make small changes that will have a big impact in our daily lives with our kids.

This conversation is full of lessons learned from Afsaneh's 5-year-old daughter who inspired the book with some of her experiences in preschool and the toys that she was "allowed" to play with at school. Once these important conversations begin with our children, they also help us to keep the momentum going, learning together, as Afsaneh's daughter will show you in this podcast.

About Afsaneh

Afsaneh Moradian has been an educator for more than 15 years. She has worked with students of all ages from preschool to graduate school. Afsaneh is a doctoral candidate in education, author of the upcoming book, "Jamie is Jamie" by Free Spirit Publishing, and proud mom of a 5 year old.

Facebook: Afsaneh Moradian
Twitter: @writerafsaneh
Website: afsanehmoradian.com

Much of parenting is about figuring out when to coach, when to intervene, when to be the mama bear and when to watch and have a conversation after.

This is very much an art for any person spending time with these developing human beings. Sometimes their way of figuring things out is messy, uncomfortable, and loud, but we need to give them a chance to do it. It doesn't mean we should disappear, but stay far enough back that we can see what's going on, and not so close that they feel like they're being watched constantly.

The playground is the best place to see this. Someone cuts your turn in line or someone is going up the slide. Some kids will deal with it by just going down the slide and the lesson will be learned naturally. Many parents yell at the kids to stop going up the slide. But sometimes the lesson is best learned by the experience. They're still learning their words, negotiating space and figuring things out. Kids have their own process in how to get there.

We can coach them before going to the playground, practicing words to use. "Excuse me." "What do you want to play?" How can we deal with conflict? We can talk about it and prepare, and then they need a chance to figure it out.

We need to be patient observers, but attentive (not on our phones) because kids are always learning. Sometimes they can figure it out themselves and sometimes they can't. We can let them try to do it. And when they can figure it out on their own, you're proud as a parent and they feel proud of themselves.

When do parents need to step in?

Read the cues of your child. If you know that your child, when frustrated, will bite, hit, or throw things, and you see that your child is getting frustrated and it might not be safe for the other child, it's time to step in and help. Often there's a very simple solution to the conflict. You're teaching your child what to do next time. Play dates with kids are a little bit like dating, and how it feels to be in relationship with another family or child.

Are the children staying calm? If children are yelling, get a little closer. Sometimes they're working it out and it's just loud. But if it's a conversation and conflict resolution is happening, it's ok.

We, as parents, often want to run over and not just let kids be and have their experiences. We need to give them some space to be and work things out.

Give them a chance to negotiate on their own, and only step in when there's a big conflict and no way for the kids to get out on their own. We want to fix it for them and often when it's messy, it's triggering to us.

Observe them without checking out. We need to stay connected while they're playing to notice the yellow light, or the space where they haven't passed what they can handle, but they're heading in that direction, so we can support them.

It's a process for us and for them. Kids learn faster than we do! Watching a child in a social setting, we can see what the child needs some support around. When kids have conflicts, it doesn't have to become a super big deal, they just need some support!

Trying to raise strong confident girls, we want them to have certain expectations of the way they're treated with respect as an adult. Both boys and girls are learning the idea of consent and respecting other people's bodies. It makes a difference, as we're seeing in the news right now.

What kind of humans do we want to raise?

We need to give them space to play, and a chance to use their words, to solve problems, to negotiate things. If

Unstructured play means kids get to do whatever they want to do, inside or outside, using what is available to them. The main thing is that they are choosing what to do. It is not about an adult offering ideas and suggestions, but the child looks around to see what's available and chooses what to do.

Maybe they will make up some play based on something they saw on tv or in a movie – this requires them to remember what they have seen enough to repeat it on their own and come up with creative ways to do that. That's an incredibly valuable process.

We often think we need to buy things or go places to enrich our kids' days, and don't place as much importance on unstructured playtime. But children need time to play without outside direction. It's not about spending money at all, but rather about giving kids the space and the time to make their own ideas come to life.

"Play is the work of childhood." – Jean Piaget

Pre-K and Kindergarten used to be more of a sacred space focused on playing, exploring, and spending time with other kids.

Lately there has been an idea that pre-k is necessary to prep kids so they can sit at a desk longer and do more work in kindergarten, learn to read earlier and increase their academic production. Pre-Ks are even selling ideas about teaching foreign languages and really prepping children to be an academic student before they are even in Kindergarten.

Play isn't just a fun little thing that kids do – it is fun – but it's also the way they learn and the way they take in information. Kids are very serious about their play and it's important to respect that whatever they are working on is truly important to them.

Step out of the way

It seems so simple to just "let your kids play" but sometimes we adults can be less than enthusiastic about their ideas. If you don't like what they are wanting to do, try to find a way to give them some space, get materials that are ok for the kids to do whatever they want with, and be open-minded. Window markers can be used on glass, nontoxic body markers can be used on skin, etc. Try to remove yourself as the authority always stopping them from having fun and always saying no.

Unstructured play can be a little messy, which can be challenging to us as adults. Maybe we can negotiate how many days the "mess" can remain, or find a way to let them keep their creations set up beyond the time that we decide we want it cleaned up. It can be helpful to have materials available, with a place they know they can get it and put it back away when they are finished.

"Unstructured" playing may mean using the pieces that go to a game in a different way, unrelated to that game's rules. Toys that are "supposed" to be used in a certain way can become many other things, if we adults can step out of the way and let them use their creativity and play however they want (provided they are being safe and not destructive).

Physical development really spurs cognitive development, so big body movements are really important for kids: playing outside, climbing, running, etc. Challenging themselves physically and learning to navigate risks helps to give them more confidence in general.

No more boredom

Boredom is a cry of the need for free play. Once you let a kid play whatever they want to play, boredom can no longer exist. We need to be ok being alone, and providing time for our kids to play on their own can help them to learn how to handle time by themselves.

Through playing on their own, kids learn who they really are and then they bring that with them when the

This is the last (wonderful) piece to the puzzle of what to do about being triggered as a parent.

Recap:

The first step is awareness around your personal stress triggers and how you react emotionally and behaviorally. (Carrie urges us to allow several years with this important step alone!)

Next we learn how to move from unconscious reaction to deliberate responding. Making this habit change also takes time, effort, and much patience. We learn to leave perfectionism and ultra-high standards at the door, embrace self-compassion, and step slowly towards new patterns and ways of responding.

Finally, we're opening up to a higher level of personal response-ability as we understand how parenting leads us towards personal growth and spiritual development. We open to a larger perspective of our purpose and gifts in the guise of obstacles. The ways our children push our buttons allows conscious parents to uncover what needs to be healed in a way no other guru could.

Carrie gives us a few key ideas on how we make the shift towards transcendence. This is the gold for you to discover. True transcendence involves techniques that bring unconscious past emotions into the light of full acceptance. Allowing and re-experiencing old wounds is frightening to most of us, but is truly the only way to attain personal integration, healing, and wholeness.

I know you'll enjoy this brief but juicy conversation that speaks to the heart of what it means to be a conscious parent.

Resources:

Books:
Michael Brown: The Presence Process: A Journey Into Present Moment Awareness
Michael A. Singer: The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself
Dr. Shefali Tsabary: The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

Carrie Contey, PhD is an parenting coach, speaker and author. Her background offers a unique perspective on children, parenting, family life and what it means to be a healthy, happy, whole human being. In her work with thousands of parents all over the world, she guides, supports and inspires her clients to live with a wide-open and courageous heart so that they can approach parenting with both skill and spaciousness.

Links:
www.carriecontey.com
Find Carrie on Facebook
Find Carrie on Instagram

The shift is underway, however, and children are coming into a place of more respect and understanding. Parents must consciously attend to their own conditioning and wiring in order to parent this way. It takes awareness and commitment to overcome the past and move toward a different future for your family.

Transforming reactivity to a conscious response is a continuous practice. It's done in millimeters, not quantum leaps. Little by little we change and grow, by acknowledging our stress triggers and how they feel in the body. Noticing stress and turning it away from our children is the work. Simply naming our stress is wonderful – it shows awareness and inner sensitivity. Modeling how to connect to our internal guidance system is a priceless tool we can offer our children.

Setting the bar too high (ahem, perfectionists) is a recipe for additional stress. Using parenting as a personal growth practice requires us to be more in tune with ourselves in order to connect to others. Kids need to see us authentically transforming stressful reactions so they can do the same.

Listen in on our passionate conversation where we discuss the process of transformation around our stress triggers, as well as the top things parents can do to begin to transform triggers today.

Carrie Contey, PhD is an parenting coach, speaker and author. Her background offers a unique perspective on children, parenting, family life and what it means to be a healthy, happy, whole human being. In her work with thousands of parents all over the world, she guides, supports and inspires her clients to live with a wide-open and courageous heart so that they can approach parenting with both skill and spaciousness.

Links:
www.carriecontey.com
Find Carrie on Facebook
Find Carrie on Instagram

Triggers are those situations that uniquely activate your stress response. They're personal and based on individual perceptions. Triggers are so unique and personal because they touch on past pain, often from childhood. The same situation can have one parent outraged while another simply laughs.

Triggers wait in the depths of our subconscious programming until a seemingly random event lights them ablaze and we find ourselves emotionally reactive. Consciously parenting calls us to examine these emotional triggers in the light of our awareness and acceptance.

Taming triggers involves recognizing that others will find your buttons and repeatedly push them. Parenting especially creates stress, in that our children are constantly growing and developing, and may not have the capacity to handle their own emotions. Therefore, we need to handle our own emotions to both model and be available to guide. Daily demands take a real toll, and parents are more prone to being triggered when exhausted, overwhelmed, or not taking care of their own needs too.

Taming triggers is an "inside job."

We're not meant to control our kids, our environment, and all conditions in life until we no longer get stressed. We're meant to take responsibility and evolve personally to recognize our triggers both during the stressful reaction, and eventually before we even react. While all of our personal triggers will never completely disappear, awareness truly holds the power to shift programmed reactions towards conscious responses.

This is an important and truly life-changing topic that is at the forefront of conscious parenting today. It is a seminal step away from historic and mainstream parenting that focuses on punishing our children for triggering us, and moves us towards personal integration and healthy family life. Join Carrie and me as we walk through the "how to" steps that begin the essential parenting work of taming our triggers.

Carrie Contey, PhD is an parenting coach, speaker and author. Her background offers a unique perspective on children, parenting, family life and what it means to be a healthy, happy, whole human being. In her work with thousands of parents all over the world, she guides, supports and inspires her clients to live with a wide-open and courageous heart so that they can approach parenting with both skill and spaciousness.

Links:
www.carriecontey.com
Find Carrie on Facebook
Find Carrie on Instagram

Trigger Warning

My story may be triggering to some, so please read (and listen to the podcast) with caution. While everything turned out just fine for my family, many of us know families that were not so fortunate.

This is a story of a near-drowning experience with a toddler, so if that is something likely to trigger you, please go slowly and pay attention to how you feel while you listen, and slow down or take breaks if needed.

My story is about the incredible power of Story Healing and how my family was able to get through a really tough time with the help of this knowledge. I am forever grateful that I was able to help my daughter (and all of us) to heal emotionally from her difficult experience specifically because of the support I received from Rebecca to do this work.

It was January 26, 2010.

My son was almost 5, and my daughter was 19 months old. The short version of the story is that they started the bathtub without permission and, within the span of a few minutes, went from playing happily to my daughter not breathing.

Thankfully, my son alerted me immediately that she wasn't ok and I was able to get to her in time. I had been trained in CPR and was able to perform rescue breathing on her and she began breathing again very quickly. She expelled the water she had swallowed and was physically just fine within a few minutes. However, it was clear that she was not ok emotionally – none of us was!

I had been working with Rebecca at The Consciously Parenting Project for a few years and knew a lot about healing trauma because of that. On this day, I went from being the mother of children with no trauma history at all, to the mother of two traumatized children. Additionally, my husband and I were both deeply affected by the incident. We had a lot of healing to do.

I spent hours holding my daughter skin-to-skin, alternating between nursing her and watching her sleep, and that's when I called Rebecca to tell her what had happened and get support for what to do next.

The days and weeks following included many sessions of Story Healing. My daughter was pre-verbal at the time, so in addition to telling the story, I used a baby doll to act out what happened and try to give her some words to make sense of her experience. It was deeply moving to see her reach for the doll herself and do the same things I had been showing her, such as breathing on the baby's mouth and patting its back. She acted out her story over and over to show me that she understood.

We began to share Stories every day, and it became a very connecting time for us.

We would snuggle up and I'd tell the story of each child's birth, of different things we had done, and often I would tell the story of the bath again. Sometimes my son didn't want to hear about it and that was ok, but other times he was open to it and I would tell it.

His experience was so different from hers, since he was older and felt a bit responsible for what had happened. I never blamed him, instead taking all of the blame myself (which I still sometimes have to work on) but he knew he had been the one to start up the water. I would tell him the story about how he came

Rebecca and Lianne are back again this week to talk about how stories can help with the small hurts and disappointments of everyday life. Story Healing isn't just a technique to be used when there is trauma, but it can be an effective tool to help move through normal tantrums and upsets.

Consciously Parenting Principle #2 reminds us that there is nothing more important than the parent-child relationship. The discussion today is full of examples of putting the relationship first and strengthening our connection with our children. By slowing down and acknowledging their everyday upsets, however trivial they may seem, we can build stronger bonds in our families. We model empathy and validation, which is truly a lasting way to teach.

When our children are upset, we can find a way to connect with they are feeling in some way. Disappointment is often very upsetting for our children. They may get an idea in their head about the way something is going to go, and when that doesn't happen, it can trigger what our society would call a tantrum. In this episode of the podcast, we explore the idea that there is something more underneath that outward behavior, and what steps we can actually take to help our children to move through their feelings rather than just stop expressing them.

Listen in as Rebecca and Lianne share real-life parenting experiences. They don't always do this perfectly, even after so many years of practice. But even when we make mistakes, we can repair our connection with our children and come out stronger.

Related post: Tantrums Aren't Just for Toddlers

This first episode in the series explains what Healing Stories is all about, as well as more detail about how Healing Stories can help families in the early days and weeks after birth.

It's a common misconception that babies don't remember things from early in life. It's true, they may not consciously remember (though some do). However, their bodies definitely remember, and events from the womb and during birth do often have an impact. Rebecca and Lianne have worked with families to help them solve troubles with new babies from excessive crying and sleep troubles to difficulty feeding. Amazingly, making space for the story of what happened, and for everyone's feelings around the experience, can bring healing and help to solve common early parenting issues.

Realizing that early experiences do matter can often be upsetting to new parents. It's so easy to accept blame whether we had control of the circumstances or not. But take heart, for this is not a "doomed" situation! Healing Stories is a tool that offers so much hope to families because those experiences don't have to have a lasting negative effect. It's possible to help heal even very difficult trauma using this method. This empowers parents to help their children to move through deep emotion and come out on the other side more connected than before.

We invite you to explore the Healing Stories On-Demand Course in the Consciously Parenting Learning Center. It's a four-part course about how you can use these techniques yourself, in your own family, to bring more connection and healing. You can purchase the course by itself, or join the Learning Center as a Gold or Silver Member and get access to it along with all of the other benefits of membership.

Angelle shares how the family discovered the special needs and how they were diagnosed over time. A story that many can relate to, Angelle went to countless specialists searching for answers and support.

The kids were in school, then homeschooled, tutored, public, private…. and back to public schools in a new town. The process of hunting down a solution was crushing Angelle.

Once a kind friend pointed her in the right direction, Angelle began educating herself. She stopped searching for how to "fix" the problems and started learning how to best meet her kids specific needs and help support them in their education.

Angelle openly shares the story of her experience and acknowledges the hard work and emotion that is part of this path.

She calls families to be kind and take care of themselves, keep a slow and steady pace, focus on education, advocacy, and growth, find your community and support system, and accept the challenges and the feelings they evoke with grace.

This conversation is extremely helpful to those who are also just starting out on the special needs path. Angelle's words (and energy) will give you ideas, direction, and a sense of support to hear how one family has navigated their journey.

Resources from this episode:

Wrightslaw: From Emotions to Advocacy: The Special Education Survival Guide
by Peter W. D. Wright and Pamela Darr Wright

About Angelle Gremillion

I am a mom of three and freelance writer with copious amounts of education regarding special needs, education plans, and adoption issues. I sneak black coffee and good books as often as I can.

Angelle and her husband went from searching for diagnoses for their children through a multitude of testing, to leaving public school for traditional homeschooling, then tried unschooling, then to private school, and then back to public school! All along the way, conscious of the choices and the many considerations to take into account.

While searching for the right learning environment, Angelle's stress kept her up at night. When she came to the decision to re-enter the children in school after homeschooling, the family choose three separate private schools.

When this route didn't work, the family searched for the best school for their kids, eventually moving to a district that wonderfully met their unique needs.

Angelle had such internal stress and turmoil about finding a good fit, her single focus and worry spread to other family members.

It took years of struggle within the family and much experimentation to work through this challenge. It took an ongoing evaluation of everyone's unique perspectives, needs, behaviors, and satisfaction levels to discover the place where the family as a whole is happiest and healthiest.

Finally finding the best fit is "a gift" that allows Angelle to feel relief and appreciation each day.

Take a listen for the lessons she's learned throughout this experience and the advice she shares with other parents.

If you've ever felt overwhelmed by the decision of education, Angelle's story will be familiar and helpful.

About Angelle Gremillion

I am a mom of three and freelance writer with copious amounts of education regarding special needs, education plans, and adoption issues. I sneak black coffee and good books as often as I can.

Tanya calls on parents to turn trust we've traditionally given to societal systems back to ourselves and our children – whether kids are in schools or not.

Gavin shares his perspective on his learning and his current interests, which includes photography. He describes what unschooling looks like for him on a regular day.

Both Tanya and Gavin emphasize personal freedom, and the impact it has on education. It takes time and space to follow interests into passions into skills. Gavin is grateful he has this in his life. Tanya is grateful for the ease and peace unschooling has provided the family. They both urge other families to have both the patience and courage to follow a unique path that feels good for everyone.

The advice they impart touches on the current collective discussion around education, freedom, and what's really important in this journey. This warm conversation is both enlightening and encouraging.

Resources:

Khan Academy: https://www.khanacademy.org

Follow the Sharkey family on social media:

Family: www.instagram.com/theperfectlyflawedfamily

Gavin's Photography: http://www.instagram.com/gavinsharkeyphotography

Addy's Makeup: www.instagram.com/Adelaide's_Makeup

In our 7th year of unschooling, the Sharkey family is currently based out of Brooklyn, NY after being longtime resident of St. Petersburg, FL. We have a love of travel and embracing new experiences. We enjoy inviting people from around the world to stay with us through Couchsurfing.com, and offer our house and pet-sitting services through trustedhousesitters.com.

I've really only known them as an unschooling family, so I did find myself in awe of their journey and where they started, and even what it looked like when they first started homeschooling. It's fascinating to see what works for different families, and what doesn't work. Each family is so unique and each family's journey is different as their children grow and the needs of individuals and the family change.

According to Tanya, they started their schooling journey with public school because "that's what you're supposed to do." As a family who values travel and having experiences over book knowledge, they realized public school wasn't really a good fit for their family. When they pulled the kids out of school to homeschool, they discovered that unschooling was a good fit for their family. This is their story.

If you're curious about what unschooling looks like or how you might arrive in a place to unschool, you'll enjoy this conversation. If you're an unschooler and you want some validation for your choices, take a listen. Even if you're never going to be an unschooler, this conversation is about finding your own way, helping your kids find their own way, and staying connected in the process. I hope you enjoy it!

Resources:

Khan Academy: https://www.khanacademy.org

Follow the Sharkey family on social media:

Family: www.instagram.com/theperfectlyflawedfamily

Gavin's Photography: http://www.instagram.com/gavinsharkeyphotography

Addy's Makeup: www.instagram.com/Adelaide's_Makeup

I wanted a different story. This isn't about blaming previous generations. They would have wanted to be treated with unconditional love, with respect that didn't mean fear and boundaries that didn't inflict pain. Their parents didn't know how to do this because they're not the values of our culture.

So those of us who are on this journey to parent consciously have a difficult task at hand. What does it look like? How do we parent from a place of love? How do we respect ourselves and teach our children to respect us without becoming punitive? What do boundaries even look like if we're not adding arbitrary punishments? These are big questions and this is really the heart of Consciously Parenting.

In this episode, I share some real-life examples from my own family as I've discovered what this means and what it can look like. It's taken me 18 years to get to this place and I'm happy to share what I've learned so that it doesn't take you that long. And it won't. One of the most important parts of the New Story is that we don't have to do it all alone.

Today's conversation is about recognizing the Old Story that you're still carrying with you about love, respect, and boundaries and begin to open up to new ways of being in the New Story in your family. Let me know your thoughts as you listen and if you have any aha's you'd like to share. Feel free to email me, comment on the podcast, or write something on Facebook. And if you liked this episode, please share it and help us continue the conversation about the New Story of human development and family life.

Here's the link to the first episode of this series – Love, Respect, and Boundaries: Connecting Our Past and Future

Related post: Love Language and Hurt Language

Can you separate the way you desire to parent from unhelpful past models?

Much of traditional parenting rests on a hierarchy of power and control. Love is a reward, based on meeting certain conditions. Respect is born of fear. If children fear their parents, they will respect them and obey them, hoping to earn their love by meeting their parents' conditions.

A new model of consciously parenting is emerging. This model places unconditional love as the basis of all healthy relationships. Respect is shared mutually because we share our humanity.

The power hierarchy is intentionally turned on its side to show a connected flow of love and respect between parents and children. Boundaries are put in place to respect our kids and ourselves, in order to create an emotionally healthy family.

But how do we move from one model to another? It may be a huge leap between what we experienced growing up and what we want to create for our own kids. Subconscious cultural programming is difficult to break free from. The old story is pervasive, within our current culture and within ourselves.

This series will walk through how to progress from a limited and disconnected model of parenting to a conscious one. We'll look deeply at our own stories in order to create space for unconditional love, mutual respect, and healthy boundaries.

The growing movement of conscious parenting is life-changing at a personal level, and transformative at a global level. Let's jump in and learn how to change the world beginning in our own homes today.

Join the Facebook Group - Consciously Parenting Community

Children's emotions are allowed, valued, and approached with care. The totality of each individual's temperament and perspective is welcomed during day-to-day experiences.

Conscious parents feel for the growing edge, and then layer on necessary support. This process changes over time, but open conversations and mutual respect are always involved.

While we accept there will always be ebb and flow in each relationship, we navigate it together with our kids. Heart-to-heart conversation that focuses on what everyone needs now, and how most needs can be met in the best way, stands firmly at the center.

How can you include individual perspectives, personalities, learning styles, preferences, and aptitudes in open and respectful family discussions about learning environments?

Begin with trust – in yourself and your intuition, in your children and their uniqueness, in your relationship, and in the wide array of learning options you can uncover if you keep an open mind.

Most of us grew up without the opportunity to choose our own educational path. Once on a particular path, our culture promotes commitment and follow through. "No pain, no gain."

This paradigm makes us feel unsure when we begin to question our current situation and how it makes us feel. Sometimes we aren't sure we can even look over all the available choices; change can be scary.

But truly, it is a gift we give our children to prioritize their happiness and offer them the chance to choose their own learning environment.

Challenge and comfort rub up against each other at the edge of growth. We often don't trust our own intuition when things that work for others just aren't working in our family. Stepping outside our own perspective, openly listening to our kids' feelings, and exploring other educational environments takes bravery.

This can mean pulling our kids out of school and embracing homeschooling, because it feels better in our heart to find the best fit for our child. This can mean enrolling our kids in an amazing school when they've always learned from home, but it just isn't working anymore.

It takes conscious awareness to recognize when discomfort is leading us to make changes. It takes courage to stop in the middle of a well-worn path and take a new direction.

Join me while I talk with Lianne, a parent who has consciously chosen an educational environment with her children, for a heartfelt discussion about what "exploring educational environments" looks like in a real family.

With the current school climate of testing and lots of homework, many families are really looking at what makes the most sense for their families in terms of how we educate our kids in a way that our parents probably didn't. It creates a whole series of decisions that add to the craziness of parenting today.

Yet deciding on the educational path for your family is super important, as it impacts every other area of your life. (Ask any parent who is struggling with homework every night, or for whom homeschooling isn't working!)

Finding an environment that works for your family isn't as simple as pointing your sails in a direction and going that way. Conscious parents often re-evaluate their path to assess whether it's really working for everyone.

In this series, we'll be looking at different educational options and speaking with parents and children who are having very different educational experiences. We'll tease out when something isn't working and needs to be adjusted, and when an educational environment needs a complete overhaul. It's about helping you to find your own way, whatever that looks like for you and your family!

Resources from this Episode

https://www.christopherushomeschool.com

Studies are showing the number of children experiencing healthy emotional attachment are "abysmally low" for a modern and "advanced" society. Is parenting keeping pace with progress?

Parents today need courage to step away from the mainstream practices that are failing to foster healthy attachment.

We've been led to think that parenting with attachment in mind takes more time and effort than traditional parenting – that it's just a lot of unhappy extra work.

The idea that making conscious decisions to parent outside the mainstream is just too much extra work has led some to connect it to an overbearing "helicopter" style, which attempts to control the entire parent-child relationship and all children behaviors in favor of the parent's needs.

Instead of looking to what others are doing or saying, consciously attached parents are looking for what works in their own families – how to be responsive to individual children's needs in a way that feels good to all family members.

Each stage of development brings specific needs based on the age and individual temperament of each child.

In infancy, attachment is crucial because its presence or lack tells infants about the world in a way that sets the tone for their entire life experience.

As kids grow, needs change, but staying open, responsive, and just "being there" for them during all ups and downs will always be essential.

With older kids, boundaries, honesty, and recommitting to connection takes center stage.

Are you consciously imparting a healthy and positive worldview to your children?

The way we do so is though our everyday practices and interactions – and thankfully we can change our daily habits at any time, with far-reaching results for our kids and our world.

A consistently nurturing response that helps our children feel safe, accepted, and worthy of care and attention shapes a perception (and later an experience) of life that creates a thriving future.

While there are infinite individual needs from child to child and age to age, validating emotions with your presence, acceptance, and empathy – even if you don't understand or share their feelings – is key to raising healthy children and building a happy parent-child relationship for life.

In this conversation, we uncover how to step outside what's "normal" and use our own awareness and inner guidance to parent in a way that creates attachment at any age or stage of development.

Resources from this episode:

evolutionaryparenting.com

About Tracy Cassels

Tracy Cassels, PhD is the founder of Evolutionary Parenting. She obtained her B.A. in Cognitive Science from the University of California, Berkeleym an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from the University of British Columbia, and her Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology, also at the University of British Columbia. Her academic works have been published in many peer-reviewed journals including Psychological Assessment, PLoS One, Personality and Individual Differences, Midwifery, and more.

Tracy serves as an Adviser to the Children's Health & Human Rights Partnership, a non-profit agency dedicated to ending routine infant circumcision. She previously worked at the Canadian Council on Learning, a non-profit agency dedicated to researching myriad elements of learning across the lifespan, where her role was to critically analyse educational research to help form policy decisions at local school board and provincial government levels.

Most importantly to her, though, she is a mother to daughter Madeleine (Maddy, age 6), son Theodore (Theo, age baby), stepson Desmond, and wife to husband Brian.

Is attachment parenting realistic? Is it desirable? Is it only for privileged parents? Or is it attainable for all? Must we meet the many "requirements" of attachment parenting for our kids to be happy and healthy? What does it really mean to be an attached parent?

Parents today are being given mixed messages about attachment parenting. With heavy workloads, lack of support, children with high needs, and conflicting parenting advice, many parents feel attachment parenting requires too much of them.

The truth

The truth is, responsiveness to stress and upset and attunement to big emotions builds secure attachment – and this can be created consciously at any age or family stage. And it's actually the high needs children that can be best supported through this style of parenting.

Despite the daily pressure many parents experience, making the choice to tune in to children's emotions with acceptance and empathy can build the secure attachment that helps children feel safe and secure. Creating emotional health in this way sets children up for resiliency and happiness.

Surprisingly, recent research shows that 40% of children are actually insecurely attached, which has far-reaching negative consequences.

Are you unknowingly using common parenting practices that actually lead to detachment with your children?

What is actually necessary to build and maintain secure attachment with your kids?

In today's podcast, we'll unpack what attachment parenting looks like in everyday life at different stages, what's actually required, and what the benefits are.

If you're looking to help your children feel safe and secure now, and then grow into emotionally healthy and thriving adults, you'll want to listen in on my second conversation with Tracy Cassels.

Resources from this episode:

evolutionaryparenting.com

About Tracy Cassels

Tracy Cassels, PhD is the founder of Evolutionary Parenting. She obtained her B.A. in Cognitive Science from the University of California, Berkeleym an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from the University of British Columbia, and her Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology, also at the University of British Columbia. Her academic works have been published in many peer-reviewed journals including Psychological Assessment, PLoS One, Personality and Individual Differences, Midwifery, and more.

Tracy serves as an Adviser to the Children's Health & Human Rights Partnership, a non-profit agency dedicated to ending routine infant circumcision. She previously worked at the Canadian Council on Learning, a non-profit agency dedicated to researching myriad elements of learning across the lifespan, where her role was to critically analyse educational research to help form policy decisions at local school board and provincial government levels.

Most importantly to her, though, she is a mother to daughter Madeleine (Maddy, age 6), son Theodore (Theo, age baby), stepson Desmond, and wife to husband Brian.

When I had my son, I used a lot of attachment parenting strategies because they felt good to us. But attachment isn't about doing a particular set of behaviors. It's more about how those things feel to us and it's about our relationship.

Tracy Cassels from Evolutionary Parenting joins us to talk about Attachment and helps to answer some of the common misconceptions about attachment and attachment parenting. There isn't just one factor with attachment and healthy development and it isn't as cut and dried as "do these things and you'll have a child with a secure attachment."

Our goal here is to create a relationship with our children that provides a secure base for them to go out and explore the world and come back into connection when they need it. And yes, this continues to happen well past the toddler years, into the teens and even adulthood. We all have times we need to move back into connection with others to move through challenging situations and experiences. Our kids are the same in that regard.

Today we talk about what attachment really is and some of the factors for healthy development no matter how old our child is without holding them too close or pushing them away.

Resources from this episode:

evolutionaryparenting.com

About Tracy Cassels

Tracy Cassels, PhD is the founder of Evolutionary Parenting. She obtained her B.A. in Cognitive Science from the University of California, Berkeleym an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from the University of British Columbia, and her Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology, also at the University of British Columbia. Her academic works have been published in many peer-reviewed journals including Psychological Assessment, PLoS One, Personality and Individual Differences, Midwifery, and more.

Tracy serves as an Adviser to the Children's Health & Human Rights Partnership, a non-profit agency dedicated to ending routine infant circumcision. She previously worked at the Canadian Council on Learning, a non-profit agency dedicated to researching myriad elements of learning across the lifespan, where her role was to critically analyse educational research to help form policy decisions at local school board and provincial government levels.

Most importantly to her, though, she is a mother to daughter Madeleine (Maddy, age 6), son Theodore (Theo, age baby), stepson Desmond, and wife to husband Brian.

I knew when I was punished when I was growing up that any behavior change came from a place of fear. If I changed my behavior, it was only in order to avoid more pain. I wanted my children to do the right thing because it was the right thing, not because they were afraid.

I didn't want to smack my son's hand when he hit me. I wanted to respond in a way that taught him and modeled for him the way I wanted him to handle his upsets and frustrations. But in that moment, I honestly wasn't sure how to do that.

Today we talk about how real learning happens, and where to shift our focus away from punishment and back to the relationship.

I share my own experiences of finding my way through connecting with my own feelings and with my son's feelings, but also that it wasn't an instantaneous change. It took time. For me, it took a lot of time – years, in fact – before I figured out that regulation is critical to change, and that relationship and connection are critical for regulation.

Here's my story of the day I knew things needed to be different.

Do you have a similar story? I'd love to hear it! Please send me an email. I'd love to hear from you!

What I found really interesting about this conversation is how much overlap there can really be with your child and with the metaphorical "Uncle Bob." Sometimes it's a soft boundary and they really didn't understand what was happening or what was needed. Like when Uncle Bob didn't understand what you meant by "gluten free." And it's true that sometimes our kids didn't understand what we needed them to do and we need to start there instead of jumping to some consequence that takes us out of the relationship. Sometimes our child communicating something about his or her own internal state or needs and when we get the communication, things change without need for much intervention at all. When we focus on the relationship, we can start to understand what's happening with our child, what's needed to reconnect or to help them to reconnect, and setting a boundary when it's needed.

Our children need boundaries to keep them safe and to stay in relationship with you. When you're triggered by something they're doing and you try not to say anything, it is still a disconnection in your relationship. The boundaries are for everyone, not just your child. Boundaries keep everyone safe and communication open when they're presented with love and respect.

About Christy Farr

What makes me an Unruly Woman? It's the same as what makes you an Unruly Woman. You are unlike the others. You rebel against convention. You care more about doing what's true than what society says you "should" be doing. You not only dance to the beat of your own drum, you probably built it with your own two hands.

The ache to live your truth consumes you. I understand all of this because it's my truth, too. You can read more about this approach in my book Is Home Your Happy Place?

I love to dig in the dirt and hope to never stop feeling profound awe that actual food grows from the unidentifiable nubs I bury in the community garden each spring. I am a priestess who seeks the divine in people, spaces, and experiences of every day life.

I am an artist. My partner and I co-create sacred art out of rusty metal and scrap wood we collect from the streets of Minneapolis. I love the earth and her people so deeply they take my breath away. I am a storyteller who cultivates healing with my dance, my voice, and the written word.

There are the people that you just let go when they don't understand what you're doing in your family and then there are the others that you need to stay in relationship with for one reason or another. For the sake of our discussion, we're calling this person the metaphorical "Uncle Bob." How can you stay in relationship with "Uncle Bob" while still maintaining your own boundaries so it feels good to you and your family in the process?

Christy Farr and Rebecca Thompson Hitt explore the steps to discovering what kind of a boundary you need with "Uncle Bob" (who may be your mother-in-law, a neighbor, your brother or sister, etc.) and what it looks like to put it in place.

Like so many of us, Christy and Rebecca didn't learn healthy boundaries growing up. But it isn't too late to learn, starting right now!

Listen in for some tips to get started on it with the "Uncle Bobs" in your life today, with love and respect for everyone.

About Christy Farr

What makes me an Unruly Woman? It's the same as what makes you an Unruly Woman. You are unlike the others. You rebel against convention. You care more about doing what's true than what society says you "should" be doing. You not only dance to the beat of your own drum, you probably built it with your own two hands.

The ache to live your truth consumes you. I understand all of this because it's my truth, too. You can read more about this approach in my book Is Home Your Happy Place?

I love to dig in the dirt and hope to never stop feeling profound awe that actual food grows from the unidentifiable nubs I bury in the community garden each spring. I am a priestess who seeks the divine in people, spaces, and experiences of every day life.

I am an artist. My partner and I co-create sacred art out of rusty metal and scrap wood we collect from the streets of Minneapolis. I love the earth and her people so deeply they take my breath away. I am a storyteller who cultivates healing with my dance, my voice, and the written word.

This question has been repeated over and over again with my clients and with the families in my membership community with some variations.

Sometimes it's their mother-in- law, a well-meaning brother, a teacher, a neighbor…

But the questions are the same: how do I handle this with respect?

Our next podcast series explores this topic with The Unruly Woman, Christy Farr.

In this first of our three part series, we look at how to find your own edges, yeses, and nos.

In our second conversation, we'll move on to what to actually do about Uncle Bob to handle it with love and respect for us and for him.

And finally, we'll explore boundaries in our own homes with our own kids and what that looks like when implemented with love and respect for what they're showing us at any age.

About Christy Farr

What makes me an Unruly Woman? It's the same as what makes you an Unruly Woman. You are unlike the others. You rebel against convention. You care more about doing what's true than what society says you "should" be doing. You not only dance to the beat of your own drum, you probably built it with your own two hands.

The ache to live your truth consumes you. I understand all of this because it's my truth, too. You can read more about this approach in my book Is Home Your Happy Place?

I love to dig in the dirt and hope to never stop feeling profound awe that actual food grows from the unidentifiable nubs I bury in the community garden each spring. I am a priestess who seeks the divine in people, spaces, and experiences of every day life.

I am an artist. My partner and I co-create sacred art out of rusty metal and scrap wood we collect from the streets of Minneapolis. I love the earth and her people so deeply they take my breath away. I am a storyteller who cultivates healing with my dance, my voice, and the written word.

It was 2004. I had a new baby, my partner was traveling a lot for work, we were all on a special diet, my oldest was having a very hard time with life and I was pulling my hair out. My neighbor told me that I should just go get McDonald's to make my life easier, but that wasn't really what I really needed or wanted. I needed help and I needed community. Maybe you've been in a similar situation yourself?

Around this time, a group of friends came together because we all could really use some support around food. Most of us were on some sort of special diet and we all had small children. How much did we really have to give? We brainstormed together to come up with something that would work for all of us, something that felt like we'd be doing LESS if we worked together.

This experience was life-changing for me. It was the first time that I felt my efforts were being duplicated and I didn't have to do it all. Every week, I'd make one big meal and divide it up. In return, I'd receive 3 other meals ready to assemble with all the ingredients. Heaven.

We all showed up with what we had. We took the things we didn't mind doing to prepare our meals- shopping, cooking the whole chickens, grating the cheese, doing the hosting to assemble foods.

Community for us was the lightening of the load. It didn't make our lives more difficult, but made the load spread out over the group and it was easier for all of us. That's what community needs to be. As a bonus, we got to spend time with other grown-ups and our kids got to play with one another at least once a week.

So what can you do to create more community from where you are? Without moving to Portland, as Scott half-jokingly suggested in our last series. Today, we explore simple steps you can take to open yourself up to more community right in your own backyard by showing up with what you have.

Notes from this episode:

I'm traveling in Mexico right now, living in a community of expats and indigenous people in the hills outside Oaxaca City. I wanted to study community. I want to understand how healthy communities work. I expected to go up into the hills somewhere to find indigenous people who were still living in their old traditions to really see community, but I was shocked to find it greeted me when I arrived.

What I've seen is that everyone here shows up with what they have. Nothing more. Nothing less. My neighbors, Lucy and Mike from Texas, have a car and they've offered to drive us places. My neighbor, Mary from Chicago, has a casita and good internet, so she offered keys to her casita and an open invitation so I could come here to work in a quiet space. They simply are showing up with what they have. I like to cook, so as soon as I figure out what ingredients are available and what I can make well here with what I have, I'll be cooking for these neighbors as a thank you. I don't have to create a new skill or struggle to think of something to repay their kindness. There isn't an expectation that I do. But I will show up with what I have and it will become clear to me at some point how I can contribute to this community.

My friend, D'Anne, is the one who brought up this idea. She's a widowed mom with two kids and a house she's remodeling on her own. She doesn't really have a lot of extra to give. She ends the day tired, but really needs community and support. Like so many of us, she didn't want someone to do something for her that she would feel like she needed to reciprocate when she could barely do what she needed to do for herself. Maybe you can relate? But she noticed when she shows up with what she has to give, all sorts of opportunities have been opening up that don't feel like just one more thing added to her to do list. She gets to share her gifts, others then share theirs.

Community Support

Scott talked about a fabulous idea called Playborhood where families mo

It can feel so hard to find community, with so many barriers compared to that perfect situation we're envisioning, but there are some really simple things you can do to create community in your own backyard. Listen in as we talk about some ideas that may just work for you.

And we'd LOVE to hear from you. What's worked in your world? How have you created community where you are? Or have you moved to find community? We'd love to hear your story, so please share in the comments below!

But the reality was that I didn't find people who had all the same answers. And if I had limited myself to people with all the same answers, I would have missed out on some amazing friendships!

For me, I discovered that I was more interested in finding others who were at least asking the questions. Their families weren't just like mine and their answers weren't always going to be the same as mine. But were they asking the questions at all?

In this second conversation with Scott Noelle, we explore the values that Scott has used to define his search for community without staying in "zealot-hood" or giving up the values that felt the most important to him. He shares about balance between online and in-person communities and how they can truly complement one another.

What about you?

What do you seek in your friends who make up your community?

And where have you found other "weird" people? Other non-conformists? Do tell!

I longed for more connection, but had no idea how to create it for myself or my baby.

My baby is now an adult, but I still long for this kind of community. I also hear every day from parents who are looking for others to connect with and support one another, whether virtually or in real life.

Scott Noelle has a personal connection to Jean Leidloff and her book. In this episode, he shares his own experiences as a new parent with a baby who wanted to be held all the time, and his journey to finding community.

In this first of three parts, you'll meet Scott Noelle and hear his story of early parenting and how his thinking began to shift as he looked for more connection with others in his own community.

We invite you to join us for this conversation and explore the idea of finding or creating your own community!

"Why did she hit another child?"

"Why did he just explode over that?!"

And even, "Why did I just lose it over that?"

Then, most importantly, "What can we do that will really, truly help?"

When we remember that All Behavior is a Communication, it's a starting point to understanding and helping our children to learn. We don't always understand what our child is communicating through their behavior or what the real needs underneath the behavior are.

Our kids don't usually say, "You know, I'm feeling really uncomfortable and squirmy and I really need you to just hold me for a few minutes and my nervous system will settle."

Instead, they hit someone else, and we've learned to make them feel worse in the name of trying to teach them appropriate behavior.

How can we take those situations and connect?

What can we do in those moments to help our children to really learn what's appropriate?

How can we help everyone reconnect?

Join us for this episode of The Consciously Parenting Podcast as we explore the first guiding principle of Rebecca's book, Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families.

But not every family loves to sit and read a book together. Then what?

In this, our last episode of our series with Pam Leo, we take a look at how your child's interests are a doorway to literacy and it may or may not involve reading actual books. There are so many ways to connect with your child and help them to become engaged with literacy.

My youngest son, who is 13, doesn't love to sit and read. But he will listen to audio books all day long if I let him. As an auditory learner, he loves being read to and hearing a good story, so I always make sure he has audible book credits and plenty of choices. He's currently listening to the How to Train Your Dragon series.

This episode encourages you to consider the culture of your family, knowing who you all are collectively, and finding ways to make literature a part of that and connecting in ways that feel good to all of you AND promote literacy.

In our second conversation in our series with Pam Leo, we explore what connection through singing, storytelling, and reading can look like in our daily lives with our children. We explore what we can do with our kids when they're little to integrate literacy into our daily care-giving activities. Remembering that the biggest goal with all of these activities is connection, not necessarily our adult view of what "reading" needs to look like. Lovely ideas to connect in real life with our kids!