Conflict Owner's Manual

Update your conflict competence with these three steps #148

Sun, 09 Aug 2026 21:00:00 -0600

What if you could be better at the conflicts you have by thinking about conflict in general? I show you how to conduct an overview of your general conflict beliefs, so you’re better able to manage your own conflicts. I guide you doing the overview and then apply the insights to your conflict skill building. You will find the patterns that need an update so you improve the quality of your relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What is your conflict trying to tell you? #147

Sun, 02 Aug 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn conflict into opportunities for doing better.
Here's how you can use that information to increase your conflict competence, and improve the quality of your relationships.
And, for fun, we added an end clip of Tyson and Deborah before recording the episode discussing how they'll talk about the topic.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Three approaches to owning your conflicts 146

Sun, 26 Jul 2026 23:00:00 -0600

We talk about owning your conflict, but what does it mean to 'own' your conflict? Consider these three meanings of ownership: 1. personal, 2. interpersonal, and 3. using your conflict competencies. Use all three to help you self-regulate, show up for others, and improve the quality of your relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Can you be impartial while taking a side? #145

Sun, 19 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Tyson surprised Deborah with a question: Can someone pick a side in a conflict, but then be impartial in the conflict?

We discuss the differences in neutrality, impartiality, and advocacy. When faced with polarized conflict, we tend to take sides, and become advocates for one of the opinions. But, when we take a side, we become emotionally involved and conflict skills can desert us. We admit to being advocates for everyone to be more conflict competent.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

When someone won't listen to you, do this. #144

Sun, 12 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Sometimes, you mean well but the other person in the conflict just won't hear you. Maybe you want to talk, even to apologize, but they've cut you off, blocked and ghosted you. You can still follow these suggestions to own your conflict, and you may also achieve your goal but in a different way.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Three questions when someone disappoints you 143

Sun, 05 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0600

If you are disappointed in someone, it's tempting to blame them for not meeting your expectations. The conflict competent response is to ask yourself these questions, which will improve the quality of your relationship. Is your expectation reasonable; what are you asking the other person to do or change; what do you agree on?

When you and the other person understand each other, whether you agree or not, you create more than you have alone.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Three ways to handle hurt feelings in conflict 142

Sun, 28 Jun 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, and improve the quality of your relationships.

Show notes:

Episode 118: When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muXjimrv2mU&t=37s

Episode 125: Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0k1JF8TB4g&t=2s

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Two small shifts that make big conflict improvements 141

Sun, 21 Jun 2026 10:00:00 -0600

There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other.
Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small change in your belief changes your conflict.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

The hidden superpower of conflict competence 140

Sun, 14 Jun 2026 17:00:00 -0600

You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, you incidentally improve even your calm relationships. The hidden bonus is that you can use conflict competencies anywhere, which incidentally improves the quality of your life. What are those skills we call conflict competencies? Here's a partial conflict competence checklist, and there are more you can find in prior episodes.

show notes:
Partial list (in no particular order) of conflict competencies we’ve posted episodes about, include:

mindset,
clear communication,
perspective taking,
showing curiosity,
reframing,
staying nondefensive.
not jumping to conclusions,
testing your assumptions,
being aware of how your biases and your blind spots (we all have them) affect you,
recognizing the patterns that keep you stuck in conflict,
asking questions,
not rushing to solve problems before you know the right problem to solve.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

How to make allies out of people who disagree with you #139

Sun, 07 Jun 2026 00:00:00 -0600

Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult people as allies rather than as adversaries, because they're helping you improve your conflict skills.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Why you shouldn't have that hard conversation 138

Sun, 31 May 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Disagreements on divisive topics are everywhere now. Perhaps you've been told that you should have conversations that feel hard, uncomfortable, or awkward. But does every hard conversation need your input? What if you have valid reasons to not have that hard conversation? This conflict competence is knowing the value of engaging in hard conversations, and balancing that value with the wisdom of not engaging.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Break the cycle of miscommunication 137

Sun, 24 May 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then, everyone feels disappointed they aren't understood.
When you feel like words are a waste of time, stop. Observe what's happening, and share your observation. Interpret the words out loud as if you are translating a foreign language. Acting as communication navigator is a conflict competency, and everyone benefits from your conflict competence.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

When they don't listen to your facts, do this instead 136

Sun, 17 May 2026 17:00:00 -0600

Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four alternative approaches so you can defend your position without getting defensive. When you understand them even if you don't agree with them, you're being conflict competent.

You can be skilled at conflict, unafraid of conflict, and competent to handle conflict, even if the other person in the conflict doesn't realize you are doing it.
show notes:
episode 135: What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0WqsOA1T0I&t=34s

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict 135

Sun, 10 May 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, and then, based on that feeling, you decide to believe the fact or not. For example, are you inclined to disbelief facts stated by a politician you don't like, and believe the facts of politicians you like?

There are better questions to ask than whether you or your opponent believes the one set of true facts.

Show notes:

episode 24: Who is correct when opinions differ? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zGxGYPFaYs&t=28s

episode 42: What connects assumptions, beliefs and intentions in conflicts? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kuJFFWOxng

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

How to get along with difficult people 134

Sun, 03 May 2026 11:00:00 -0600

Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three helpful questions:
what's your reason for getting along with the difficult person;
how can you be curious about the difficult person's perspective; and
where is the interaction with the difficult person happening?
With your goal, their perspective, and the context, you have the skills to not get into a conflict.

Show notes:
Episode #38 What's more effective than calling out someone you disagree with? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bjA0DMhjh4
Episode #40 Are any ghosts haunting your conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJSQcOGeQFI&t=1s
Episode #114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKGq2mHa9Zk&t=4s

In these videos, we show you how to be skilled at conflict, unafraid of conflict, and competent to handle conflict, even if the other person in the conflict doesn't realize you are doing it. Everyone benefits when you are being conflict competent.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

How to bridge the gap in your conflict competence 133

Sun, 26 Apr 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Everyone handles conflict somehow. But different conflicts respond to different conflict skills. Your skills gap is the difference between the conflict you have, and your ability to deal with that specific conflict. What's conflict competent at your home may not be appropriate for your work, or friend group.
Reflect on your prior conflicts, and how well your familiar conflict patterns worked out for you. What conflict skills do you need so you can do conflict better? If you want your disagreements well-managed before the conflict gets bad, you'll want to know your skill gaps. Those are the skills to practice when you're calm. Conflict competence improves the quality of your relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

How to turn your fear into an ally in conflict 132

Sun, 19 Apr 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too.
Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your thoughts direct your action.
If you want use your thoughts and fears competently in conflicts, I show you the steps for turning your fears into allies rather than adversaries. You improve the quality of your relationships when you acknowledge your fears, act the way you want to show up, and take ownership of your mindset.

Show notes:
Episode 47: Train your brain for conflict competence https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUaTuyS6v4c&t=2s

Research about your thoughts and beliefs changing your mindset:
Dr. Alia Crum: https://stanfordmag.org/contents/better-believe-it
Dr. Geoffry Hinton: https://alumni.utoronto.ca/news/dr-geoffrey-hinton-how-ai-can-support-childrens-learning

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What if your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck? 131

Sun, 12 Apr 2026 11:00:00 -0600

131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies.

You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you have conflict patterns that need a refresh. When did you last review your beliefs about conflict? Or considered your conflict style? Or reflected on your approach to conflict? Has it been a while? Start here, start now, and improve the quality of your relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Does your conflict recipe miss key ingredients? 130

Tue, 07 Apr 2026 11:00:00 -0600

You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get better at doing relationships. What ingredients make up your conflict skills? Here are suggestions for making it easier to improve your conflict competencies.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

129 Can you be conflict competent and win the argument?

Sun, 29 Mar 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict.
But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or to win?
When you try to be conflict competent, you're practicing your skills. You improve, you owned your conflict; that's success. Conflict competency is a continual process of practicing better skills to not have arguments and to amicably resolve any that you do have.
You change your pattern to conflict competency and that is the success. If you feel like your attempt 'failed' it means you haven't succeeded YET. If you practice while you're calm, you can become conflict competent, even in the pressure of a conflict.

Send us a text, leave a comment, ask a question. We love hearing from you.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

128 How do you thaw a frosty relationship (if they won't reciprocate*)?

Sun, 22 Mar 2026 10:00:00 -0600

Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how to level up what you believe about conflict, and thaw that frosty relationship.

*Reciprocate means to accept a gesture or compliment or favour or gift etc. and respond with an equivalent. The actions are mutual.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

127 What fight are you trying to win? When your facts won't change their mind

Sun, 15 Mar 2026 10:00:00 -0600

How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel compelled to defend your position, and so does your opponent. When that happens, facts are less important than your curiosity. Don't get trapped into defending the 'convictions of your courage'.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

126 Better than counting to 10: Five valuable ways to handle emotion in conflict

Sun, 08 Mar 2026 14:00:00 -0600

Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what?
Yes, you do want to pause before you respond. But there's a better use of that pause than counting to 10.
Here are five conflict competent strategies to make that pause really helpful with how you respond.

show notes:

Episode 20: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T4cD_KuP8M&t=74s

Viktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”

A helpful website about the seconds of pause between stimulus and response:

https://www.6seconds.org/2023/07/18/apply-consequential-thinking-in-the-six-seconds-eq-model/

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

125 Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should)

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 10:00:00 -0700

You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong?
But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world works and their beliefs are correct, don't they? Worldviews and beliefs are not universal truths accepted by everyone.

When worldviews collide, it creates conflicts, and too often people try to resolve the conflict without understanding the worldview that creates it. We discuss how to go there.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

124 Three conflict competent ways to get the other person to listen to you

Sun, 22 Feb 2026 15:00:00 -0700

Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give you a turn. Here are 3 changes in your approach so the other person will want to hear from you. Use these conflict competencies to improve the conversation, and the quality of the relationship.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

123 What depletes your conflict competence?

Mon, 16 Feb 2026 10:00:00 -0700

Have you had some situations, some conflicts, or some people who test the conflict competency skills you've been working to improve? If you recognize when your conflict skills are being drained then you have another conflict competency. You know that you're losing patience, and you can take steps to manage yourself. We give you tips for enhancing your skills if they're being depleted.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

122 Five ways to stay non defensive when you're feeling attacked

Sun, 08 Feb 2026 09:00:00 -0700

Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here are five conflict competencies that help non-defensiveness. Combine, rearrange, and use these five in ways that work for you. They are not all the skills you need, but practice them, and you're on your way to improving your conflict competence, and the quality of your relationships.

Show notes of the five conflict competencies:

1. Listening: Episode 70 is one of a few about listening https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6__TLF-bfo
2. Perspective taking: We have a few episodes about perspective taking
The latest is 114 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKGq2mHa9Zk&t=2s
3. Questioning: Start with episode 77 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zXuOFfhuZU
4. Managing expectations Episode 17 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KgCsCR9xis
5. Non judgment: Episode 85 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fbENxFhQF0&t=7s

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

121 When a conflict ends but it's on replay in your mind

Sun, 01 Feb 2026 10:00:00 -0700

Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for both parts. We discuss the conflict competencies for dealing with conflict in which you are the sole active participant.

Show notes:
Episode 15; Has conflict really ended your relationship?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDUc2mM1vtw
Dr. Daniel Kahneman, peak end bias https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2002/kahneman/facts/
https://thedecisionlab.com/thinkers/economics/daniel-kahneman

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

120 How to make your conflict a positive experience

Sun, 25 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it.

With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Goldilocks zone. Conflict is positive when you use conflict competencies to Improve the quality of your relationships, learn new skills, and break unhelpful conflict patterns.

If you enjoy using fiction to practice conflict skills, check out my Substack posts because that's the motherload: https://substack.com/home/post/p-167675464

Show notes:
Other episodes that discuss popular culture to practice conflict competencies are numbers 75, 87, and 104.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

119 Before conflict escalates, consider these options

Sun, 18 Jan 2026 10:00:00 -0700

Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to consider, and ways to approach the person before the conflict heats up.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

118 When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies

Sun, 11 Jan 2026 10:00:00 -0700

Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict?

You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, and they claim "you're wrong but..." Maybe voices and tempers rise. We share the conflict competencies that can change that script so the escalation doesn't happen.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

117 Is your conflict on repeat? You can change that conflict pattern with a (surprise) script

Sun, 04 Jan 2026 10:00:00 -0700

Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old pattern to unstick, and the new script might need fine-tuning. With consistency, you can change an undesirable conflict pattern, even if the other person isn't aware of your effort until you decide to tell them.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

116 Three kinds of thoughts that block your conflict competence

Sun, 28 Dec 2025 10:00:00 -0700

When you meet someone, you leave impressions on each other. You can't know for sure what impression you leave, but you can guess. And, then you'll behave as if your guess is correct. Feeling misunderstood and judged? You'll act as if you are misunderstood and judged. Maybe you're right; or maybe you're misunderstanding and judging. Your thoughts and beliefs direct your actions, so it's a conflict competence to pay attention to them. Here are three automatic thought biases to be aware of, with suggestions to help you own them.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

115 How do you manage in polarized debates?

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 16:00:00 -0700

Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses to bridge the gap between you and the person who is scolding you. We use examples of polarizing topics, and suggest sample questions that turn the division into conversation.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict?

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 10:00:00 -0700

What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someone calls you a negative thinker for saying it?
We show how to use Perspective Taking to turn differences in opinions and values into conversations before they become conflicts.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

113 What stops you listening and how to fix it

Sun, 07 Dec 2025 10:00:00 -0700

Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently to your loved one than with a friend?

Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give for free. Despite costing nothing and improving much, listening can be rare in relationships. We discuss some conflict competencies for listening better, because listening improves the quality of relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

112 What's a good breakup?

Sun, 30 Nov 2025 10:00:00 -0700

Have you ever dumped a friend? Did you do it well? Would the dumped friend agree you did it well? Or, have you stayed friends with someone for a reason other than enjoying their company? We discuss some conflict competencies for breaking up with a friend, to give choices, set boundaries, speak up sooner, respectful decision making, accommodating discomfort, and answering (or not) their question, "why?"

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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111 The benefits you get from trying to be conflict competent

Sun, 23 Nov 2025 11:00:00 -0700

Sure, there are lots of benefits to handling your conflicts competently. And there's also effort involved. How do you stay motivated enough to make that effort? Tyson and Deborah chat about the conflict competencies acquired from the effort of being conflict competent, because even the fact of trying reaps benefits. We are motivated from desires to be kind, relate well to others, gain clarity about what is really going on, and have quality relationships. And, we avoid the regret of losing relationships we value.

show notes:
Corb Lund''s music https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsv9x5qGWcjjK1ogRDZ-O6w

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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110 How is your relatability a conflict competence?

Sun, 16 Nov 2025 14:00:00 -0700

Do you want to be so likeable that you never have conflict? Is your goal to be so nice that any conflict is either avoided or is resolved as fast as possible? We suggest that being relatable might be the conflict competency you're looking for.

show note:
Watch episodes 106 and 107 for more information on communication audits.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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108 What benefits do you get from conflict competence?

Sun, 09 Nov 2025 13:00:00 -0700

How do you feel during and after you have a conflict? Our goal is for you to manage your conflicts well enough that you don't feel bad, awful, or regret. You'll do conflict better when you know the real issue that's the problem, and then choose the right conflict competency to manage that issue. That's how you own your conflict. Let's see how you can own your conflict.

show note:
examples of conflict analysis are in my substack newsletter: https://substack.com/@deborahsword

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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109 What conflict competencies help when you're overwhelmed

Sun, 02 Nov 2025 09:00:00 -0700

These are overwhelming and complex times, with demands on our time and resources from many directions. Sometimes, you need help sorting out how to address your internal conflicts. We demonstrate a process, name some conflict competencies to use, and suggest you approach your internal conflict kindly, with humility and hope.

show note:
Dr. Norman Yan, quoting the late Canadian poet Richard Outram, believes the cardinal human values are humility and hope.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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106 How do you conduct a conflict communication audit

Sun, 26 Oct 2025 22:00:00 -0600

A conflict communication audit takes a lot of context and factors into account. But all of those factors are within your control. In this second episode about conflict communication audits, (listen to episode 107 for the first part) are five components of a conflict communication audit that will improve both your conflict competency, and the quality of your relationships.

show notes:
Episode 107: Have you done your conflict communication audit? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6vFheobu3k

Episode 90: What is a conflict management mindset? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_JnF6SQR2Q

The Thomas theorem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAErrXu7mE4

Episode 82: The conflict competency of perspective taking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yC_juYGtP7I

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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107 Have you done your conflict communication audit?

Sun, 19 Oct 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Perhaps you ask: "What's a conflict communication audit and why do one?" It isn't like a corporate communication audit of executive memos and such. Do you understand how you show up in a conflict? Your conflict communication audit includes your words, actions, and impressions you give during conflicts. Your conflict communication audit takes all your conduct and context into account, from the perspective of the person you're in conflict with.
What you say and do might not be what they hear and observe. Check in with them even during emotional moments, elicit their feedback, and listen to their opinion with humility. They have information that will help you improve your conflict competency. Each conflict communication audit builds your skills.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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105 Resolution emerges from owning your conflict

Sun, 12 Oct 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Here's what's unique about this podcast:
Our belief is that you already have skills to manage conflict. We help you practice your skills, so you improve your conflict competencies. Rather than focusing on resolving any particular conflict, in each episode we point out one or two of your skills that are useful with most people in many contexts. We show how resolution can emerge as a result of you owning your conflict.
In this episode, Tyson and Deborah record in the same room for the first time, and Deborah shares the secret of her wearing the dandelion logo shirt. You can watch this episode, and see the shirt @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGlj7QiQJO4

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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104 Superman's intentions are a conflict competence

Sun, 05 Oct 2025 23:00:00 -0600

The movie, Superman, is a fun practice tool for analyzing how intentions matter in conflicts. As you intend, your actions follow. As Superman fights Lex Luthor's metahumans on the battlefield, they also wage a media war of words to win public belief over who is to be believed. Which one of them has true intention for good and which one has secret intention for evil? Luthor undermines trust in Superman's intentions, but Superman has allies uncovering the secrets of Luthor's intentions. In the end, the fight over intentions holds as much power among us humans as the beatings does among the metahumans.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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103 What are conflict competent responses to being offended?

Sun, 28 Sep 2025 11:00:00 -0600

It's achieved international newsworthiness that people are offending and being offended, cancelling and being cancelled, silent and being silenced. The headlines exist because someone insists that they have the only correct opinion. And, it might be the correct opinion, but is it the only allowable opinion? We discuss some conflict competent approaches when you're feeling offended or have been accused of being offensive.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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102 How is 'owning' your conflict a different skillset than resolving conflict?

Sat, 27 Sep 2025 22:00:00 -0600

Would you like to have the secret to resolving your conflict? The secret is: improve your conflict competency so you have skills to handle almost any conflict. No model or script is needed for the skills we encourage you to practice and use. They are: (1) conflict analysis, (2) self-awareness, and (3) appropriate conflict styles. The details are in the episode, just as two small cute dogs come to check what's happening in the office. To see the dogs, go to YouTube.com@conflict-owners-manual.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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100 What elite athletes can teach about conflict competence

Wed, 24 Sep 2025 23:00:00 -0600

Elite athletes heal faster and manage pain better than most people. We can apply their techniques to improve our conflict competence and manage conflicts better than most people. So, what are those techniques, and how can we apply them to conflicts?

Show notes:
Research paper:
Carole A. Paley, and Mark I. Johnson. 25 June 2025. Human Resilience and Pain Coping Strategies: A Review of the Literature Giving Insights from Elite Ultra‐Endurance Athletes for Sports Science, Medicine and Society. Springer Nature. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40279-025-02277-4

Conflict Owner's Manual episodes about these coping strategies include:

Episode 64: How is self awareness a conflict competency?
Episode 78: How do you use and practice conflict analysis?
Episode 81: 81 How conflict competence impacts loneliness for the better.
Episode 85: How to stay non-defensive when verbally attacked, respond rather than react.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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101 Are you missing opportunities to talk before you judge (and are judged)?

Sun, 21 Sep 2025 20:00:00 -0600

When someone posts about a conflict on social media, they can expect comments and judgment to pile on. Did the person who posted talk to the other parties in the conflict before asking everyone in cyberspace to judge? In this conflict analysis of a social media post, we discuss assumptions, boundaries, expectations, public grievances, and who might be taking advantage of whom. This episode is part of our series of conflict analysis using popular culture for practice.

show notes:
These episodes of Conflict Owner's Manual discuss topics covered in this episode:

Binary choices
Episode 37 What if you are given an "either this or that" forced choice?

Assumptions
Episode 42 What connects assumptions, beliefs and intentions in conflicts?

Boundaries
Episode 29 When conflicts outgrow their original boundaries

Expectations
Episode 17 Are disappointed expectations causing your conflicts?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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98 What does it mean to own your conflict, and how do you own it?

Sun, 21 Sep 2025 17:00:00 -0600

Why would you want to own your conflict? When you don’t manage yourself in conflict, do you make the situation worse? Here are three steps to take towards owning your conflict, so that you can be the conflict competent person you want to be.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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99 Not every conflict has to become a fight

Sun, 14 Sep 2025 11:00:00 -0600

We recorded this episode before this week's political assassination, but as I listen to the recording before posting it, that's what I think about. If we reduce a human being to just their politics, or to a single trait, or to one note of their personality, we lose more than we can possibly 'win' (whatever winning might even mean). So, can you disagree, or have a conflict with someone and not have it degenerate into a fight? We discuss how.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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97 How to use cartoons to practice conflict competence

Sun, 07 Sep 2025 00:00:00 -0600

You can practice conflict competence almost anywhere, using every interaction, even characters' dialogue in cartoons. Using two cartoons as examples, we analyze the scripts for the opportunities to understand each other that the characters missed. (Please accept that we changed the character names).

show notes:
Cartoon #1, Between Friends, by Sandra Bell-Lundy
Parent: Wear your boots. It’s snowing.
Child: I’m not wearing boots. It’s spring.
Parent: But it’s snowing.
Child: But it’s spring.
Parent: But it’s snowing.
Child: But it’s spring.
Parent: What do I have to do to make them understand?
Child: What do I have to do to make them understand?

Cartoon #2, For Better or Worse, by Lynn Johnson

Deborah: I see your sister is going away to university
Tyson: She’s not too excited about it though. She doesn’t want to leave her friends.
Deborah: Yeah, long distance relationships don’t work out too well.
Tyson: Deborah, you know I’d go to school here if I could, but I can’t.
Deborah: What makes you think I was talking about us? You didn’t hear what I said.
Tyson: I heard what you didn’t say.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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96 Did your simple conflict get complicated fast?

Wed, 03 Sep 2025 22:00:00 -0600

Some conflicts expand beyond their origin story, so you lose track of who started the conflict, and what your original conflict conflict goals were. That's conflict creep, where conflict exceeds the simpler scope and more limited objectives you had when the conflict started. After a conflict creeps, parties forget about solving the problem, and just want to win. So, how do you stop conflict creep? Using John Paul Lederach's six stages of conflict escalation, we look at how you can recognize the stages, and stop conflict creep.

show notes:
Lederach, J. P. (1999). The Journey Toward Reconciliation. Waterloo, ON, Herald Press.
conflict escalates through six changes.
1, people place blame instead of accepting responsibility.
2, everything that’s wrong replaces the simpler issue that began the conflict.
3, language becomes accusatory, generalized and defensive.
4, people seek allies, and categorize others as friends or enemies.
5, people believe they're justified to react to the latest insult and aggressions.
6, no middle ground remains, and people stop communicating.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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95 The good, bad, and ugly of being avoided

Sun, 31 Aug 2025 10:00:00 -0600

What skills help in a conflict where you're willing to talk but the other person is avoiding you? We discuss conflict styles, so that you can choose what's most conflict competent to use in the context, situation, and relationship.

show notes:
episode 46: How to decide whether to engage in, ignore or avoid conflict
episode 50: What you miss when you respond the same to every conflict

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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94 What's the harm of a polarized conflict?

Wed, 27 Aug 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Even regular folks like us are affected by this era of polarized conflict. It isn't just politics and social media that has become polarized in how conflicts play out. What does it mean for our personal relationships and ourselves personally when we fall prey to polarizing conflict in our personal relationships?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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93 The good, bad, and ugly of competing as a conflict competency

Sun, 24 Aug 2025 10:00:00 -0600

You have at least five conflict management styles available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve. But you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as competing. When is competing an appropriate style to use, and when does competing not serve you and your relationships well?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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92 How to talk about workplace conflict at a job interview

Wed, 20 Aug 2025 10:00:00 -0600

What does a good wellness program at work offer? The 2024, Wellhub State of Work-life Wellness Report lists some of the benefits of a good wellness program. Mostly missing is the benefit of a good conflict management system. Here are tips for discussing a conflict management system design at work, even before you get the job, because the stress of conflict is incompatible with wellness, unless it's well managed.

show notes:
https://wellhub.com/en-us/resources/work-life-wellness-report-2024/

Episode 31: Is conflict competence a "soft" skill?

Conflict management systems, examples, https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/blog/preventing-and-managing-team-conflict/

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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91 The good, bad, and ugly of compromising as a conflict competency

Sun, 17 Aug 2025 10:00:00 -0600

We continue exploring the conflict management styles you have available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve.
You have a choice of five broad categories of conflict management styles, but you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as compromising. When is compromising an appropriate style to use, and when does compromising not serve you well?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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90 What is a conflict management mindset?

Wed, 13 Aug 2025 10:00:00 -0600

You use your conflict competencies in every conflict. You can choose how your conflict competency and managing conflict work together. The key is your awareness of your conflict management mindset. Here are a few tips for powering the mindset that will help you do conflict better and improve the quality of your relationships.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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89 The good, bad, and ugly of accommodating as a conflict competency

Sun, 10 Aug 2025 10:00:00 -0600

There is no 'best' conflict management style to use in all contexts and for all relationships. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, the context, and the relationship.

You have a choice of five broad categories of conflict management styles, but most likely you usually default to using only the one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as accommodating. When is accommodating others an appropriate style to use, and when does accommodating not serve you well?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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88 How do you resolve a communication mismatch?

Wed, 06 Aug 2025 18:00:00 -0600

Sometimes, even when you try hard to resolve a conflict you hit an impasse. There are many possible reasons that a conflict resists resolution, and one is when your communication styles are so different that you become impatient and frustrated with each other. You want to find a way forward, but you just can't seem to understand their approach to the problem. Here are some conflict competencies for dealing with this communication mismatch.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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87 Watch TV to practice conflict analysis

Sun, 03 Aug 2025 12:00:00 -0600

Being able to analyze conflict is one of the most important conflict competencies. You will want to know what's really going on, underneath the issue that seems to be what the conflict is about. If you understand what the actual conflict reveals, not the surface issue someone is yelling about, you have a better chance of coming up with the right questions to solve the right problem. But, how do you learn conflict analysis skills without creating a conflict for practice? We use popular culture, in this case, the TV show titled "Plan B". It's an excellent example of characters desperately trying to fix relationships while solving the wrong problem.

show notes:
Episode 67: Is trust a necessary ingredient for managing your conflicts?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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86 What's the right age for repairing a relationship?

Wed, 30 Jul 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Tyson and I are grateful to have Conflict Owners Manual listeners ranging in age from teen to seniors. Who is too young and who is too old to improve their conflict competence? Only you can decide when you're ready. But, there's one more consideration. Conflicts also age. The common wisdom is that managing a conflict early is easier, but that doesn't mean an old conflict can't respond well to your conflict competency. Here are some suggestions for how to be conflict competent at any age you and your conflict are.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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85 How to stay non-defensive when verbally attacked

Sun, 27 Jul 2025 10:00:00 -0600

When others verbally attack you, it's hard to keep your cool. Three common but ineffective arguments an opponent might use against you are:
1. ad hominem attacks, (attacking you personally rather than discussing what you said)
2. "straw man" arguments, (misquoting you and attacking you for the misquote as if you'd said it) and
3. simply being a jerk.
We offer strategies for being conflict competent, even during the many ways you might be misquoted, misunderstood, accused, and called out. We don't recommend that you verbally attack in retaliation.

Show notes:
Episode 56: What's the disconnect between your intention and the impact?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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84 What conflict competencies might have helped my 40 year old self?

Wed, 23 Jul 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Some conflict competencies are subtle and invisible to others. Two skills start as small differences in your approach to conflict that lead to a big difference in outcomes. One skill applies to your mindset, and what you believe. The other skill applies to your behaviour, and what you do. Together, these two conflict competencies are powerful tools in your conflict competency toolbox.

Show notes:
Episode #5, How to change the other person in a conflict.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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83 What do you fear in conflict?

Sun, 20 Jul 2025 11:00:00 -0600

What would your situation look like if you weren't afraid? Fear is a 360 degree driver of conflict, from starting conflict to escalation, to creating impasse, to preventing implementation of an agreement. There are conflict competencies for meeting the fears that hold you back from having difficult conversations. We discuss some of those conflict competencies, and demonstrate how they might improve the quality of your relationships.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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82 What conflict competencies would you wish for your 30-year-old self?

Wed, 16 Jul 2025 18:00:00 -0600

No one is born conflict competent. Over time, we learn complex communication. The quality of our relationships improves. In this second take on what skills we wish our younger selves had known, we move up a decade to slightly more advanced conflict competencies: perspective taking, and graciously accepting that loving critics give feedback we might need to hear (even if we don't like it).

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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81 How conflict competence impacts loneliness for the better

Sun, 13 Jul 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Conflict competence improves quality of relationships. Building community improves quality of life. In this era of loneliness, where friends are so important, are your relationships dependent on your friends having opinions you agree with or like? Here are some strategies for sharing conflicting points of view (POV) without it causing conflict. Improve your conflict competence, have friends, build community, improve quality of life.

Show notes
Episode 64: How is self awareness a conflict competency?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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80 What conflict competencies would you wish for your 20-year-old self?

Wed, 09 Jul 2025 10:00:00 -0600

No one is born conflict competent. Babies don't negotiate, they demand. Over time, we grow up and learn people skills. The quality of our relationships improves. For some, with homes that nurture learning these skills, conflict competence comes early and easy. For some, like me, home wasn't a calm and conflict competent environment. My learning conflict competence was a long, slow and deliberate undertaking. After breaking up with my family at 20, I learned to appreciate them using my conflict competencies. Now, we're close and loving. Learning conflict competencies improved the quality of my relationships with dozens of family members. Here's what I'd tell my 20-year-old self, to speed up the learning process.

show notes
Episode 52: When conflict competency doesn’t work for you.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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79 Do you and your roommates (or family) need a conflict management plan?

Sun, 06 Jul 2025 10:00:00 -0600

If you find yourself sharing space, whether with a partner, roommate, family, or stranger, it's a good idea to agree with them on a conflict management plan. But, if you didn't have an agreement on how to resolve conflicts before you have a conflict, it isn't too late to invite the discussion. Here are some suggestions.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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78 How do you use and practice conflict analysis?

Wed, 02 Jul 2025 18:00:00 -0600

The conflict competency I use most often is conflict analysis. You want to answer the right question and resolve the correct conflict, which means analyzing what's really going on. Look beneath the surface, and dig deeper than motives and personalities. These two novels demonstrate the types of analysis that get to the heart of the conflict.

show notes:
The two novels are:
The Man Who Saw Seconds, by Alexander Boldizar. (2024)
Blue Ticket, by Sophie Mackintosh. (2020)

Other episodes about conflict analysis are:
Episode #8, What is a conflict analysis?
Episode #10, How integrating ideas helps you manage conflict.
Episode #75, What movie, show or book shows conflict well done?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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77 How to ask good questions that invite conversations

Sun, 29 Jun 2025 10:00:00 -0600

This is the third episode on what makes a good question in conflict situations. We look at the purpose you want your question to serve in the conflict you’re having. The conflict competence is to use good questions as an invitation into a conversation. We show you how.

Show notes
Episode 72: what’s a good question when you’re calm may not land the same way on someone you’re in a conflict with. Here are suggestions for asking good questions in conflicts.
Episode 74: what’s a good question at the start of a conflict may not be the right question for a different time in a continuing conflict. Here are suggestion for asking good questions at the right time in conflicts.

A Conflict Analysis of Why: In conflict situations, questions starting with the word ‘why’ can make the conflict worse. Here’s why, outlined in my article A Conflict Analysis of Why: https://deborahsword.com/a-conflict-analysis-of-why/

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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76 How do you know when to quit trying dialogue?

Wed, 25 Jun 2025 18:00:00 -0600

Are there times when trying dialogue is wasted time? A listener mentions our polarized political climate, and asks if dialogue is always the way to approach emotionally charged differences in opinion. If it's time to stop trying, how would you know? How would you quit trying? Here are some examples of conflict competent responses when dialogue isn't helpful.

show notes:
Episode 38. What's more effective than calling out someone you disagree with? I discuss Dr. Loretta Ross's book, Calling In: how to start making change with those you'd rather cancel.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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75 What movie, show or book shows conflict competence done well?

Sun, 22 Jun 2025 10:00:00 -0600

It's an accepted truth of the creative community that conflict is story. No conflict, no story. No conflict is boring, not drama. Or no dramatic story that anyone wants to read or watch. What are the conflict competencies we can learn from rewriting the script of the conflicts in stories so the characters talk to each other before the conflict becomes the story? We rewrite Romeo and Juliet so that it ends in a wedding rather than funerals.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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74 What makes a good question the right question?

Wed, 18 Jun 2025 10:00:00 -0600

A good question is the right question for the conflict you’re having. You’ve heard the expression: there’s no such thing as a silly question. But, in conflict, some questions keep a conflict going, escalate the conflict and/or inflame hard feelings. Here are examples of good and not-so -good questions.

show notes:

Episodes 58, 60, and 72 discuss how to ask, use and follow up good questions. After listening to episode 74, browse to the others.

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73 Why describe your conflict in story or simile?

Sun, 15 Jun 2025 10:00:00 -0600

We remember stories better than we remember lectures. Stories entertain, comfort, explain, build bonds, persuade, and teach, among other connections. How you tell the story of your conflict reveals your point of view. We discuss how differing points of view are integrated to make a more complete story of the conflict. We suggest you find a role model who inspires your conflict competence.

show notes:
Watch John Paul Lederach @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiP_mQamUoc. Read his 28 books, including The Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace (Oxford University Press, 2005), The Journey Toward Reconciliation (Herald Press, 1999), Building Peace: Sustainable Reconciliation in Divided Societies (USIP, 1997), and Preparing for Peace: Conflict Transformation Across Cultures (Syracuse University Press, 1995).

Kathy Bickmore is author of numerous books, chapters, and articles, most recently as editor: Constructive Conflict Pedagogies for Building Democratic Peace, (Bloomsbury Academic, 2025), available free at https://www.bloomsburycollections.com/monograph?docid=b-9781350519749

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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72 What is a good question?

Wed, 11 Jun 2025 10:00:00 -0600

A good question increases your chance to get good answers. How you think about a good question and its answer is different in the heat of conflict than how you think about questions and answers in calm conversation. What are those differences and how can you navigate from calm convo to questions that don't provoke more conflict? Here are some examples.

show notes:
AI offers this list of components of a good question, edited for brevity:

A good question is
• clear
• open ended.
• fit for the intended purpose.
• thought-provoking:
• fair
• unbiased
• fostering trust
• building rapport.
• relevant to explore information

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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71 Do you have a mediator's mindset?

Sun, 08 Jun 2025 13:00:00 -0600

Having a mediator's mindset is a valuable skill in any job, not only in the job officially known as mediation. Conflict management is hard and a soft skills to add to your resume. We discuss the ways you can grow your conflict competence with your approaches to relationships, to conflict, and to life.

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70 Three steps to being a better listener, (even when you're upset in the heat of conflict)

Wed, 04 Jun 2025 16:00:00 -0600

You already have conflict competencies like good listening. But do you use your best listening skill in the heat of conflict? Here are three steps to help you bridge the gap between knowing how to listen, and using the listening skills you have.

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69 How to build trust in yourself

Sun, 01 Jun 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Perhaps you've taken the course on how to have have difficult conversations. You know how to do it. But now, in real life, do you trust yourself to actually have those difficult conversations? We discuss self-trust building, the role of power imbalances that make it hard to communicate, and the risk of communicating your needs when the stakes are high. Self-trust will help you find the courage to raise issues important to you in relationships you care about.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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68 where did your conflict mental map come from?

Wed, 28 May 2025 23:00:00 -0600

Everyone has at least one conflict mental map; a picture in your mind about how you believe conflict should be conducted, and what you expect of those in conflict with you. But where did you form this conflict mental map?

show notes

Shoalts, Adam, A History of Canada in Ten Maps: Epic Stories of Charting a Mysterious Land. Allen Lane, 2017, ISBN-10: 0670069469

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67 Is trust a necessary ingredient for managing your conflicts?

Sun, 25 May 2025 10:00:00 -0600

"Trust exists in relationships in different types and amounts. Maybe your friendships have a comfortable, lasting trust between intimates. Or, maybe you don't trust a person at all but have to deal with them. Trust is nice to have, has to be rebuilt when it's broken, and can't be bought. We discuss trust building measures that you can apply to improve the quality of your relationships and to manage your conflicts.

show notes:
"Whatever matters to human beings, trust is the atmosphere in which it thrives." Dr. Sissela Bok.
Fundamental attribution error/rule. Dr. Lee Ross
"Move at the speed of trust." adrienne maree brown

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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66 How your self-beliefs grow your conflict competence

Wed, 21 May 2025 10:00:00 -0600

What you tell yourself about your conflict competencies is what you believe is true. Are you telling yourself information that will grow your skills? On the conflict competence continuum of skills, where you put your pin will influence and inform how you do conflict.

show notes. These scholars research how our beliefs shape our choices in life.

* Michael Rousell: Surprise! How Your Brain Secretly Changes Your Beliefs
TEDxSalem • January, 2019
https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_rousell_surprise_how_your_brain_secretly_changes_your_beliefs

* Doug Lipman: As powerful as stories are, the process of storytelling has great but overlooked power, June, 2023
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Zmc-1rT8kQ

*Ethan Kross: Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You, 2025

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65 What life experiences inform your conflict competencies?

Sun, 18 May 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Everyone experiences conflict, and has ways of dealing with it but some ways are better than others for improving the quality of your relationships. It's never too late to learn more and better ways.
Tyson and Deborah share how they learned conflict management, what tools they use most (spoiler - for Deborah, it's conflict analysis), when they began their life's work in managing conflict, and in what ways their backgrounds in family and faith inform their practices.

show notes:
Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn
Bantam/Turner Books, USA, 1992, 266 pages.

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64 How is self awareness a conflict competency?

Wed, 14 May 2025 10:00:00 -0600

"Know thyself!" comes to us as philosophical wisdom from antiquity. Self awareness is a conflict competency that increases your adaptability. The self you know is a learning, growing being who strives for quality relationships. Self awareness can prevent conflict, make you more adaptable to manage different kinds of conflict with different strategies, and improve the quality of the relationship you have with yourself. The more we are able to adapt, the more opportunities we have to be conflict competent.
Here are three ways that you achieving self awareness improves your conflict competence.

Show notes:
Myers Briggs https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/the-16-mbti-personality-types/
Thomas Kilmann https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/
https://www.colorado.edu/today/2021/09/21/quiz-find-out-your-conflict-style
https://www.ethankross.com/ to manage negative self talk.

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63 Is your frame big enough to picture your whole conflict?

Sun, 11 May 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Everyone has a view of how the world should work according to themselves. Your view is a frame that your holds, among other things, your beliefs, concerns, values, and hopes. But sometimes, your frame rubs wrong against someone else's frame, and oops, conflict happens. That's when a reframe adds a valuable conflict competence. We describe user-friendly ways to look at frames and reframes.

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62 what's in a name? Quite a lot when it's a conflict

Wed, 07 May 2025 12:00:00 -0600

You have habits, everyone does. Habits are patterns of how you behave. Once you recognize how you usually or often react in a conflict you have identified your conflict pattern. Name your reaction pattern, the emotions driving that pattern, and the pattern you'd rather have. Name it, own it, improve it.

Show notes
Juliet spoke to herself (Act 2, Scene 2) on her balcony, unaware that Romeo was hiding below, watching her rest her cheek upon her hand while she thought of him.

‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man.
O, be some other name!
What’s in a name?
That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

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61 how to use opportunities to change your conflict

Sun, 04 May 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Conflicts unfold over time to become patterns. We discuss the many opportunities to manage, shift, change and reframe conflict patterns. When you change the pattern you improve your conflict competence.

Tyson refers to adrienne maree brown: https://adriennemareebrown.net/2015/02/02/trust-the-people/

"if you do not trust the people, they will become untrustworthy." Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

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60 How do you show curiosity without sounding judgmental?

Wed, 30 Apr 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Does your attachment to your point of view make your good questions sound like judgments? Here are four steps to showing that your curiosity comes from your good intentions.

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59 How do conflict competencies affect politics?

Sun, 27 Apr 2025 10:00:00 -0600

It's election 2025 tomorrow in Canada, and we discuss conflict competence as a skill in every interaction, as well as necessary for democracy, electioneering, voting, and governing.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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58 What does it mean to ask "good questions"

Wed, 23 Apr 2025 23:00:00 -0600

Defaulting to curiosity rather than judgement is conflict competent. But, what if that curious question still sounds judgemental? We show you how to ask conflict competent questions, so you can diffuse conflict.

The article the explains better questions than starting with the word "why" at this link: https://deborahsword.com/a-conflict-analysis-of-why/

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57 What conflict competencies help overcome biased thinking?

Sun, 20 Apr 2025 15:00:00 -0600

A bias can make decisions easier. You don't have to think hard if you already know your bias for herbal tea and against caffeinated tea. But when biases cause conflict, or stop you from enjoying the company of friends who hold perspectives you don't share, you'll want some conflict competent hacks to overcome biased thinking. We discuss four of the most common.

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56 What's the disconnect between your intention and the impact?

Wed, 16 Apr 2025 21:00:00 -0600

Have you made a comment that you intended as helpful and been criticized rather than thanked? Depending on how you respond in the situation, the cycle of defensive reaction either escalates or is diffused. You can decide if a conflict happens or not. We discuss two useful conflict competencies and how to use them.

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55 How do you express vulnerability in your conflicts?

Sun, 13 Apr 2025 10:00:00 -0600

You have choices about how and when you let the person you're in conflict with know that you're feeling vulnerable. Since your sense of your vulnerability influences the decisions you make in conflict, it's a conflict competence to be mindful of how vulnerable you feel, and how you choose to express or hide that vulnerability.

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54 What's on your conflict mental map?

Wed, 09 Apr 2025 16:00:00 -0600

Everyone has a mental map of what conflict does or should look like, how it unfolds, and your ideal ending. Not everything on your conflict mental map is conflict competent. What may be on your conflict mental map as one of your strategies may not optimally belong there. Deborah discusses 'deflection' as one strategy that you might want to delete from your conflict mental map.

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53 How shame impacts your conflict competence

Sun, 06 Apr 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Feeling shame doesn't leave you much room for dealing with conflict. Shame fills a lot of space, crowding out empathy and perspective taking. How can you be conflict competent when you're beating up on yourself in shame? We give a few tips.

Show notes:

Brené Brown, in Rising Strong, writes that vulnerability is “the birthplace of many of the fulfilling experiences we long for—love, belonging, joy, creativity, and trust” (p. xviii) and that “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” (p. 4).

“The key to moving forward is what we do with our discomfort. We can use it as a door out—blame the messenger and disregard the message. Or we can use it as a door in by asking, Why does this unsettle me? What would it mean for me if this were true?” - Robin Diangelo

“Discomfort is a part of slowing down and becoming more present. If we acknowledge and pay attention to it, it means that we’re allowing energy to do what it does naturally which is conflict” - Amelia Meman

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52 When conflict competence doesn't 'work' for you

Wed, 02 Apr 2025 20:00:00 -0600

Have you taken a conflict course and then not used what you learned? Here's what you're missing when you have the knowledge and don't use it regularly.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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51 Four benefits of doing the work to be more conflict competent

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Pretend you have a private studio audience cheering you on when you make people feel good. Even if people don't reciprocate your efforts to understand them, you still benefit in many ways from listening to them, showing empathy, and having conflict competence. We discuss the benefits that accrue to you.

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50 What you miss when you respond the same to every conflict

Wed, 26 Mar 2025 22:00:00 -0600

You may be comfortable avoiding conflict, which is one of the many responses available to you in conflicts. Avoiding would be your pattern and it can work well. Similarly, you may regularly default to one of the other responses, and that would be your conflict pattern. But, if you encounter a new situation, you will want more options. Here are some of the ways that having more conflict responses benefits you.

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49 What to do with conflicts stuck in past experiences, present anxieties, or future fears

Sun, 23 Mar 2025 11:00:00 -0600

The words people use can provide insights into what keeps a conflict going. It's a conflict competency to notice the past, present or future tense of words, including your own. Listen to people's word spacers, such as 'er' and 'um' and what words they emphasize or repeat. Even silence or pauses between words can be significant, such as Tyson's 7 second pause while he considers his words. Listening to the actual words, and how they're spoken, raises curiosity about whether something in their past, or context about their present, or concern about their future contributes to the reason(s) the conflict is sticking around.

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48 The difference between presenting issues and real issues in conflict

Wed, 19 Mar 2025 22:00:00 -0600

Perhaps you know how to say what you want as an 'I message' rather than a 'you message' to avoid antagonizing the other person. I suggest additional strategies that deepen conversations and also go below any superficial presenting issue to the issue underneath. Communicating about the real issues can deepen the relationship, not just avoid antagonism.

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47 Train your brain for conflict competence

Sun, 16 Mar 2025 10:00:00 -0600

Your brain uses your senses to collect data, interpret the information, make a risk assessment, and report to you at the speed of thought. Your brain predicts what is happening, and what might happen, so that you can react. For your reaction to be conflict competent, start with observing your brain do this in real time.

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46 How to decide whether to engage in, ignore or avoid conflict

Wed, 12 Mar 2025 22:00:00 -0600

Your values and many other factors influence your decision to engage with conflict, how you engage, or if you won't engage. You have more choices than you know. In making your decisions, ask yourself, How Is This About Me (H.I.T.A.M.) and Why Am I Talking (W.A.I.T.).

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45 How empathy mapping builds conflict competence

Sun, 09 Mar 2025 11:00:00 -0600

When you understand another person, conversations can flow. Perhaps you've heard the expression: 'meet people where they are' and wondered how to do that. We describe empathy mapping and conversation analysis, which are two conflict competent approaches to holistic understanding where people are so you can meet them there.

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44 How to fix talking past each other

Wed, 05 Mar 2025 22:00:00 -0700

Some conversations just miss; you aren't on the same wavelength, no one seems to listen, and you feel verbally attacked. There are two conflict competence skills that get those heated debates back on track.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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43 What conflict competent tools deal with bullies?

Sun, 02 Mar 2025 13:00:00 -0700

Bullies exert power over someone, perhaps to achieve a goal, and perhaps that goal is simple intimidation for selfish rewards. The bully's target has little control over an uneven and unfair conflict that the bully instigates. But, the targeted person can use conflict competent strategies that might change the bully's behaviour.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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42 How assumptions, beliefs and intentions interact in conflicts

Wed, 26 Feb 2025 10:00:00 -0700

Intentions are invisible. We predict and assume what someone intends, and then act as if what we believe is true. Game on for conflict. There are conflict competent approaches to clarifying someone's intention before we react as if what we assume is true.

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41 How to be conflict competent when provoked

Sun, 23 Feb 2025 16:00:00 -0700

There are many common statements that trigger conflict. We give strategies for how you can respond when someone pushes your buttons.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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40 Are any ghosts haunting your conflict?

Wed, 19 Feb 2025 23:00:00 -0700

If someone is trying to insert themselves into your conflict, they're like a conflict ghost. They aren't parties to the conflict, but they want to influence it anyway. Here are suggestions for conflict competent strategies to exorcise the ghost who wants to tell you how to run your conflict.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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39 Why you might be reluctant to apologize

Sun, 16 Feb 2025 12:00:00 -0700

Is there a downside to apologizing? What if your apology isn't accepted? We discuss the conflict competence you gain when you take a chance to offer an apology.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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38 What's more effective than calling out someone you disagree with?

Wed, 12 Feb 2025 22:00:00 -0700

It's fast and easy to call out someone for an opinion or action, but is it effective? There are more conflict competent and effective steps than calling out. Deborah recommends Dr. Loretta Ross's new book, Calling In: how to start making change with those you'd rather cancel.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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37 What if you are given an "either this or that" forced choice?

Sun, 09 Feb 2025 12:00:00 -0700

Sometimes only two options exist, and neither is ideal. Sometimes, you can expand your choices. If you want better options, can you make the options better? We discuss how.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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36 How do gossip and conflict relate to each other?

Wed, 05 Feb 2025 17:00:00 -0700

Gossip may never interact with conflict, or it may cause it conflict and conflict may cause gossip. What are conflict competent responses when conflict and gossip interact in a feedback loop?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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35 What are the goals of a Conflict Owner's Manual?

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 15:00:00 -0700

A listener asks about Conflict Owner's Manual goals, and we answer with goals, definitions, examples, personal stories and more about conflict competencies that enhance relationships.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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34 Can you trust your judgment in the uncertainty of conflict?

Wed, 29 Jan 2025 20:00:00 -0700

Being in a conflict can make you doubt yourself. Conflicts thrive in that uncertainty. Here are 3 tips for trusting your own conflict competence, because what you know may be enough.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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33 When who is to blame becomes the conflict

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 09:00:00 -0700

Conflicts often start about one thing and spiral into blaming, with brittle words like "you always" and "you never" and "but you do it too only worse." We discuss whether taking responsibility can change the pattern of blame.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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32 Three conflict competencies from Matthew Bellas

Wed, 22 Jan 2025 22:00:00 -0700

Some people are so gifted at getting along that it's a pleasure to know them. Matthew Bellas was one of the those special people. Deborah gives three conflict competency tips she learned from Matthew's maxim in life.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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31 Is conflict competence a "soft" skill

Sun, 19 Jan 2025 18:00:00 -0700

Conflict competence is on almost every top ten list for success at work, for relationships and in life. Is conflict competence a hard skill, a soft skill or both?

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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30 What is the role of context in conflict?

Wed, 15 Jan 2025 23:00:00 -0700

When conflict happens, it may look like a simple, one or two issue problem between two or three people. Often, there's more going on than appears on the surface. Context is the environment in which conflict moves.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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29 When conflicts outgrow their original boundaries

Sun, 12 Jan 2025 11:00:00 -0700

Some conflict start small, like you helpfully mention that someone didn't wash a dish, and whoa, it blows into a contest over who never cleans up and who always leaves a mess everywhere. Maybe you weren't looking at the conflict the same ways from the beginning.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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28 What's the problem with agreeing to disagree?

Wed, 08 Jan 2025 10:00:00 -0700

When persuasion and arguing haven't helped heal a disagreement, you might "agree to disagree" and change the subject. Is there a downside to leaving an argument this way? Deborah suggests trying conflict competent options.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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27 Are pessimists more conflict competent than optimists?

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 10:00:00 -0700

Both pessimism and optimism have strengths and weaknesses in conflict. There's power in pessimism and value in optimism for the conflict competent.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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26 Is aggression a conflict competency?

Wed, 01 Jan 2025 20:00:00 -0700

It's tempting to be aggressive to achieve the conflict outcome you prefer. Deborah demonstrates that there are other approaches that are more likely to get results you want.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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25 Are your conflicts complex, uncertain and heavy with variables?

Sun, 29 Dec 2024 10:00:00 -0700

As much as people in conflict want to know the consequences of their decisions before they decide, the answer to most conflict questions is: it depends. There are ways to deal with uncertainty, and improve your conflict competence.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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24 Who is correct when opinions differ? This simple exercise helps you know.

Wed, 25 Dec 2024 22:00:00 -0700

Sometimes, when people quarrel about whose opinion is correct and who is wrong, I use a simple easy demonstration. Afterwards, they still might not agree who has the best opinion, but they will agree that each of their opinions depends on where they get their viewpoint. Try this at home, work, socially, or wherever you want to practice your conflict competence.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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23 What should you do when the other person's opinion is 'wrong'

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 17:00:00 -0700

Conflicts over disagreeable opinions get personal so fast, and, too often, they get insulting. How can you hold such a wrong opinion, you may ask them? Here's an alternative that lets the discussion over opinions stay civil instead of turning into a fight that heats the house.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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22 Three ways to change your conflict pattern

Wed, 18 Dec 2024 22:00:00 -0700

Conflicts follow patterns. Changing your conflict patterns improves your conflict competence. Here are three different approaches to changing your conflict pattern. Try all three. Use whichever works for you. You’ll be glad you did.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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21 If you dread the family dinner, try these for fun

Sun, 15 Dec 2024 10:00:00 -0700

Close friends and family members can trigger your heated reactions even when you like or love each other. They think they know you even when you've grown past their image of you. You defend yourself even when you want to not react. We offer a simple (hard) technique to change the script so you can have a peaceful conversation. Our holiday gift to you.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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20 How to turn conversation competence into conflict competence

Wed, 11 Dec 2024 21:00:00 -0700

Conflict overwhelms your calm conversational skills that connect you to the other person. So, how do you stay in touch with your calm conversational competence, to carry it into conflict competence? Deborah shows you how to hack your conversation competencies for conflict competencies.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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19 Whose permission do you need to be conflict competent?

Sun, 08 Dec 2024 13:00:00 -0700

It's great to have norms, manners, policy and structure that foster healthy relationships. But - if those aren't supporting your efforts, you can give yourself permission to be a role model for conflict competence. Here's how.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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18 How to lower the heat with your conflict script

Wed, 04 Dec 2024 19:00:00 -0700

Change your conflict script; change your conflict. Here's a creative way to rewrite your conflict script to skip the conflict part of the script. Deborah shows her method for changing the future conflict by changing the present script.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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17 Are disappointed expectations causing your conflicts?

Sun, 01 Dec 2024 10:00:00 -0700

When you expect something and it doesn't happen, who's to blame? What better ways are there to have your expectations met to your satisfaction? We discuss how to prevent conflict from disappointed expectations.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

16 Does bias influence your decision making in conflict?

Wed, 27 Nov 2024 19:00:00 -0700

Conflict drops a lot of decisions on you, and there's no perfect decision that guarantees the outcome you prefer. Your decisions in conflict depend on many factors, some of which are out of your control. When you think about bias limiting or helping your decisions, you increase your conflict competence. Deborah discusses how that works.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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15 Has that conflict really ended your relationship?

Sun, 24 Nov 2024 11:00:00 -0700

When does a relationship end? At the breakup over a conflict? Or when you stop reliving it in your mind? After the breakup, do you go over what happened, supplying all the dialogue with brilliant responses you wish you had at the time the conflict got bad? Deborah and Tyson discuss some strategies to let go of that tightly coupled ended relationship you carry in your mind.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

14 How to get your conflict competence to rise

Wed, 20 Nov 2024 21:00:00 -0700

Taking emotional risks in conflict is like a leavening agent that helps your conflict competence rise. In this mini-cast, Deborah discusses how you can combine your skills like ingredients in a recipe.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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13 What common expressions are conflict competent?

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 11:00:00 -0700

Words we use show others how we view the world. If common expressions use fighting and battle language, what does that say about our mindset, and what common words would convey peace instead? Deborah and Tyson have suggestions.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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12 Try this easy exercise to expand your conflict competence

Wed, 13 Nov 2024 19:00:00 -0700

There isn't one perfect way to get the result you want in a conflict, so it's helpful to have options. Here's an exercise that can give you more strategies for defusing situations, and managing conflicts. Deborah shares an entertaining and easy strategy.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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11 What is Dialogue in conflict?

Sun, 10 Nov 2024 11:00:00 -0700

Dial down conflict heat with Dialogue as a process. When high emotion makes dialogue for resolution seem impossible, try process Dialogue. Deborah and Tyson discuss how that works.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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10 How does integrating ideas help manage conflict?

Wed, 06 Nov 2024 18:00:00 -0700

Integrating subjective and objective ideas helps the conflict analysis of your thinking, your assumptions, the context, and other variables that affect your conflict.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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9 Conflict when the goals are the same

Sun, 03 Nov 2024 19:00:00 -0700

Even when you agree on almost everything, you can still have conflict over the details. You may all want the same thing and disagree over how to accomplish your goal. Deborah and Tyson discuss what to do about it.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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8 What is a conflict analysis?

Wed, 30 Oct 2024 19:00:00 -0600

Analyzing your conflict ensures you answer the right question and solve the right problem. Deborah gives tips for conducting your conflict analysis.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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7 How thinking affects your thinking in conflict

Sun, 27 Oct 2024 10:00:00 -0600

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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How do you define "conflict"

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 23:00:00 -0600

Conflicts are different than disagreements, so it's helpful to define the word. Deborah offers a useful definition that also shows you where you can change the conflict dynamic.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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How to change the other person in a conflict

Sun, 20 Oct 2024 14:00:00 -0600

You have more power and opportunity to change a conflict situation than you might believe.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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Why is our logo a dandelion?

Wed, 16 Oct 2024 22:00:00 -0600

Conflict is like a dandelion. A weed is unwelcome and hard to eliminate, but also has a use. In this mini-cast you will hear tips for managing and for using conflict.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Your conflict pattern

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 14:00:00 -0600

What you most often do in conflict becomes your default pattern, and gets stronger than conflict strategies that you don't choose as often. It's a choice.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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How to develop your conflict competence

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 14:00:00 -0600

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.