Imagine being a mother separated from her infant by an oppressive group like the Sullivanians with cult-like control. In this episode hear Annie's heartbreaking journey to rescue her daughter Rosie from the Sullivanians.  With the crucial help of a women's shelter's dedicated legal advocates, I helped  Annie orchestrate a daring escape and go into hiding.  There is urgency and tension in every step of her plan to reclaim her daughter.

Listen to the emotional turbulence that eventually culminates in the courtroom battle for custody that exposes the spurious workings of the  Sullivanians,  threatening their existence. The episode also sheds light on the broader experiences of former members of the Sullivan Institute, including the emotional and social challenges they faced. Through gripping accounts from individuals like Ben and Karen, who risked everything for their freedom, and the eventual downfall of the group under Saul Newton's erratic rule, this is a poignant exploration of life within a cult. 

When joining a cult you are unaware of the full level of commitment you are about to make, or the extent to which your autonomy is about to be curtailed. I hope that by sharing my personal story and shedding light on the Sullivanians, I've helped to explain why people are attracted to cults in the first place. In Annie's case, some are born into them, for some, it is the promise of a community or to better themselves,  or the promise of sexual availability, but it is usually during a time of vulnerability in a person's life.

This is the final chapter.  My name is Shelley Feinerman. I hope you have found the podcast of interest and I thank you for listening.  I went on to have a successful career, married, and have an amazing son. My artwork can be seen on Instagram. @ThroughaBlueWindow

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

What if you found yourself trapped within a group that controlled every aspect of your life, from your relationships to how you spent your money? This episode unveils some of the dark realities inside the Sullivanians, the infamous cult that hid in plain sight on Manhattan's Upper West Side, in the years after Cora left. Learn about the group's manipulative tactics, inspired by the theories of Harry Stack Sullivan, which forced members into rigid and often detrimental lifestyles. These oppressive dynamics strained family bonds, induced severe anxiety, and left members grappling with emotional and financial turmoil.

After 10 years Annie Steinman re-enters Cora's life. You will hear her how the Institute's brutal regime upended her life. With the absence of June Geddes, Saul's unyielding control became even more suffocating as the women of the group became mothers as Annie did..  Annie shares the protocols of pregnancy and the devastating loss of her daughter, Rosie, to the Institute's grip. Her story is a stark reminder of the profound personal costs of such manipulative environments. This episode is an eye-opening account of the search for autonomy and the enduring impact of living under such a repressive system. And in two weeks listen  for the climatic episode  "Escape  from Nirvana."

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
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After being forced out of the apartment by Annie I was more convinced than ever that that I could no longer tow the party line.

In this episode and the next I will take a deeper dive into my relationship with Chris Crenshaw,  first mentioned in episode four which covered Jonestown's and my realization the group was a cult and the group’s exodus to Florida after The Three Mile Island accident and partial nuclear meltdown  ( it might be worth a re-listen)   and the Open Union,  an independent socialist, activist, and education center where we met. 

The threads of love, and loss, were woven into the unyielding force of the Sullivanian's influence on me.  Ollie briefly reenters my life and brings a flood of emotion and memories. We share a vulnerable conversation that navigates our shared history, the weight of regret, and love. As Ollie prepares to leave New York City, we grasp one more night together, and the promise of staying connected.  This episode is more than a narrative; it's a testament to the resilience of the human heart and the profound impact of our choices—intertwined with the relentless pursuit of personal freedom and political conviction becoming a catalyst for leaving the group and therapy

As always thank you for listening and please share your thoughts if so inclined .

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

In the five years I'd been in the group,  its ranks swelled and the group  with its emphasis on artistic endeavors that were once revered merged with the authoritarian cult-like Fourth Wall with its many directives and shifting focus. The shift coincided with  Lein's marriage to his second wife a soap opera actress and aspiring stage director. It was her idea to merge the two.

The Fourth Wall subsumed personal identities into the group's collective thinking. Membership was mandatory along with monthly dues and other burgeoning monetary costs. Annie,  Stan, and  Ollie betrayed me and after the summer my friendship with Annie disintegrated. 

Listen to this episode to learn more about how Annie forced me from the apartment and the bizarre twist  Stan threw my way the week after I'd moved out.  

Had I  lost my individuality?  After five years,  I was left with two choices: I could start over alone or stay and exist on the fringe

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

This latest episode continues to expose the machinations of the Sullivanian Cult    

 On a serene Labor Day morning, the summer house ignites into a tinderbox of drama and emotion after Sandra's inexplicable emotional breakdown behind the wheel of the summerhouse car.   Annie, who is without empathy believes Sandra should be punished. 

A month later,  when Stan takes a stand against Cora's relationship with Ollie she is stunned by his ultimatum: invite Ollie to a group party or he would be forced to stop therapy.  She complies but is left feeling vulnerable.  Then at the party,  after Ollie meets Bernadette Luden, Sandra's date, he abandons Cora. The following morning she is left to confront the feeling of neglect hanging heavy in the air.  

Ollie's unexplained behavior, missing Maria,  Cora's lost friendship with Annie,  and Stan's betrayal.   Listen to this episode and learn more about these events and how they combined and contributed to leading Cora away from the Sullivanians.  And catch up on the other episodes you might have missed.

Thank you for your interest and support.

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

This episode delves into The 1960s generational divide and societal pressures, and how it impacted my relationship with my mother which led to an emotional confrontation revolving around her cliched disapproval of our then-unconventional choice to live together. Her concern for social optics clashed with my desire for personal identity and love and framed my future. Are  you struggling with familial bonds in the pursuit of individuality and independence?    This episode  details the complexities of carving out one's path while honoring the roots from which we've grown. 
 It was true, Greg was young and unformed, as my mother had said, but he'd responded to me with a purpose others had never hinted at, and I'd fallen in love with him, loving me and the idea that we would leave home together

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

Today's episode begins Thanksgiving Day three years after   I became entangled with the  Sullivanians a seemingly benign group  that   supported creativity but  would morph into the singular cult that remained undetected on Manhattan Upper West Side.

Annie was my roommate and friend,  but I on that day I began to realize her ardent belief in the Sullivanians as the vanguard party that would would soon shape  the world's future was all encompassing.   On that frigid day we found our way to a Greenwich Village cafe where Annie also openly discussed wrestling with the presence of her mother in the group.  I'd often  thought of Maria as an older sister and  Annie as the younger but going forward,  her declaration left me in the murky waters of uncertainty.  

The episode doesn't end at the café, though. Learn why I was referred to a fourth therapist in three years and how I  wind up at Reliable Lists, Inc and how I'm guided by  Stan Arnold, my new therapist, to become part of that office's union drive. 

 The episode culminates in an emotionally charged farewell,, as Maria Alena departs for Sierra Leone.   This  episode carries you little further along my intertwining personal path, that  eventually carved a way for me out of the Sullivanian cult and towards a new beginning.

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

This episode weaves an intricate tale  that begins with a wedding invitation and pulls at the threads of an emotional odyssey navigating the murky waters of a narrative steeped in abandonment,  lies, and a profound search for the truth from my  mother and estranged father,  that would pave the way to the Sullivanians  

There was a reunion where my sister and I were faced with the complex emotions of rekindling the long-lost connections with our father whose approval still felt like the cornerstone of our existence. We're confronted with the superficiality of his gestures and his strange declaration,  "That's what fathers are for" and grapple with the innate desire for parental affirmation.

Eight years pass and then during the rawest of conversations with my mother, she unveils secrets that have simmered beneath the surface for decades. Prompted by my therapist I'm meeting with my father who amid the clinking of dinnerware,  has some revelations of his own.    As they  tumble out my emotions are stretched thin,  and with these betrayals, you bear witness to what eventually  led me to the Sullivanians and the the enduring struggle to understand the past 

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

Initially, the group was a vibrant blend of energy—artists, musicians, writers, actors, politics, and interpersonal drama. Serena left the apartment, and Sandra Aguilar, the only minority in the group, was added to the mix. In the group, there was an elite hierarchy among the trainees, the therapists of the institute, and the people they dated, who were given preferential placement in the burgeoning Marxist classes. In this episode, you'll learn about the conflict created by Annie's decision to hire and then fire Steve Berman, a non-Sullivanian, as an instructor of Intro to Marxism based on the directive of Annie's therapist.  This is another example of Annie's intractability and a foreshadowing of events to come as heard in the  Aug 30, 2023, Through a Blue Window( getting out) episode. 

The episode takes an intimate and harrowing turn as it recounts the dictate given to me by my therapist after a call from my sister,  the support I did receive, and the emotional wasteland I still can find myself wandering in a lifetime later.  

In the immediate aftermath of leaving the Sullivanians, in the quiet of my new apartment, I wrote an eulogy for my mother.  This was the first step in helping me shape the trajectory of my life and  45 years later I still turn to it when I feel her presence and profound absence. Join me as I navigate these deeply human experiences, with insights that may resonate with your journey facing the complexities of life and relationships.

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

-After two and a half years of shifting roommates and apartments, I finally found an apartment and a tight-knit group of women and the rewarding discovery of profound connections hitherto absent from my life  This episode continues to explore the daunting task of navigating the tightrope of school, intense Sullivanian therapy, and the interpersonal dynamics of the group mixed with family estrangement, and memories that continue to haunt.

Take a seat at the latest  Sullivanan house meeting where personalities clash over perceived acceptability, the human need to belong. and the moral debate stirred by unconventional lifestyle choices.
The roommates:
Lanni, whom I met on Thanksgiving Day,  my entry into the group 
Annie, an ardent Sullianian with a bizarre history even by group standards
Serena, beautiful and unconventional pushes the envelope on  what is acceptable Sullivanian  behavior 

Then,  sparked by an unexpected message from her Aunt Hannah a  haunting memory resurfaces. 

I am grateful to all who have listened to my podcast and find this next episode of interest.

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

This painful episode depicts the moments of sexual awakening.  First with Kenny,  my summer crush who loved me,  but then taking a sharp turn to the unsettling encounter with Robert Scheinman the most popular boy in the senior class.

Imagine a house party that veered off-course spiraling into chaos, an event that would leave my mother in a rage if found out. And the disappointment in realizing that for Robert it was only about sex.  

The intensity escalates with a chilling story that shifts to a .gripping account of a night that took an unwelcome turn, morphing from casual fun to an unwarranted assault. This narration bears the burden of exploitation and understanding consent and the scars left when ignored. This peeled-back narrative is marked by betrayal, that is as raw as it is real. By sharing these deeply personal stories, I hope to preserve a piece of history from the 1960s that emphasizes the enduring importance of finding the strength to speak out which I did not possess at the time.  And in breaking this silence about sexual assault the hope is that the response is one of empathy, respect, and compassion

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

                 Liz, who was new to the group, was my new roommate.  Ours was her first group apartment and Aggie who could be a bully under the best of circumstances, had no sympathy for Liz when she spoke nostalgically about her life before the Sullivanians, holding her wedding album close,  she'd often reminisce during house meetings.
          
                 “I’m tired of hearing you moon over your family. You’re not married anymore, and your family treated you like shit when you left your husband. Forget them already.”
       
                 And then Aggie uttered the phrase I’d become all too familiar with during my short time with the Sullivanians. It was what Jackson had said to me and what I had said to Monica, It was a phrase that begins a sentence but stops all further discussion in its tracks. 

                     “My therapist said it was okay."

                   And then she continued,   "My therapist said it was okay for me to tell Liz to stop or else."

          Twenty--four hours later  Liz had disappeared, vanished, and with her Aggie's prescription of Valium. After a frenzied night trying to locate Liz.  hoping the worst hadn't happened, we finally learned the truth and how Aggie's toxic behavior had been the catalyst that had pushed Liz to the edge. 

     

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

The History Tapes.  The oral telling jumps to the early 1960s   and with it more ammunition for the therapists to manipulate.  A sixth-grade party goes horribly wrong taking with it my self-esteem as I enter Junior High School without friends.  

Wanting a more grown-up look for junior high school, Anita and I decided to cut our hair into the layered look, the au currant style of the time leaving me with dandelion fuzz every time the barometer went above fifty percent.  I wore scarves, like Audrey Hepburn, I fantasied, but wound up looking more like old Mrs. McCormick, our next-door neighbor who’d bang on the wall between our apartments when she was drunk, yelling, ‘You dirty kikes.’

With Anita gone and because of the Clifford incident,  I didn’t have a single friend when I started Kingsley Junior High School, but I’d been placed in Honor Art and that’s where I met Suzanne, only to be abandoned by her two years later when her desire to be popular became more important than our friendship and I was left behind. Eventually, I found a good friend in Rachel. We shared our first sexual experiences, which for me brought back the memory of the rape scene from Peyton Place, the movie that my mother took me to see as a ten-year-old,  the traumatic scene that profoundly shaped my ideas about sex and, bolstered by my mother's continued mixed messages about what "nice girls" do,  just adding to my confusion and misconceptions. 

You will find out about the sealed envelope handed to me by my guidance for my mother to sign but instead found its way to the bottom of the sewer, torn into tiny pieces.  

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

Forty years ago the Sullivanians were exposed by  NewYork Magazine and the Village Voice for their insidious practices, but as far as I know, Through A Blue Window is the only first-hand accounting, and the next episode of the podcast is about Amagansett and the group.

I'd been in the group for six months, but I had no idea what to expect as I headed out to the East End of Long Island to spend the summer cleaning summerhouses. It was Memorial Day 1974, and during the long train ride, I  finally learned the details of what had only previously been alluded to and the importance of maintaining a veil of secrecy from the locals. 

This episode is also about  Monica Cipro, the first and only relationship I had with a woman, and despite falling in love with each other that summer, a cold wind of conflicting views about the group ended what had barely begun. 

I would spend four more years in the group. You can see the complete documentary on my YouTube channel  shellfein1

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

 I was living in a group apartment but I wasn't officially in Sullivanian therapy. The next step in the process was to have a consultation with one of the four licensed therapists and as the day approached, my roommates were all a twitter. 

Though I had previously eschewed joining anything, from the Brownies to Gamma Gamma in high school,  I seemed to adapt, one could argue, that I blossomed amidst the Arlettians, at first.  Never mind that it meant severing all contact with my mother.  Never mind that I allowed my friendship with Rachel to disintegrate like the yellowed edges of an old book. Never mind that I was staying up late, falling asleep, stretched like sinew on a bow.

To cover all my additional group expenses I began to clean group apartments which led to a life-threatening emergency.  After my recovery, I continued to clean and met a remarkable number of men in a matter of months and soon I was having sex with virtual strangers more men than I could count on the fingers of two hands. 

Listen to the entire episode and hear more details about my early Sullivanian orientation and the expectations of group life.  

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

 The ‘group’ was self-monitoring by design, with the oral telling of one’s life, a history, at its core. Each history began with your earliest memory and ended on the day you entered the group and like Madame Defarge, all this information was knitted into the group’s collective conscious with every detail deemed significant.  History sessions were recorded with the trainees passing the tapes on to their supervisors and then  in turn to Seth.

Childhood trauma was the bedrock of therapy and the way in which Cora and the others in the group were controlled.  Abandonment was a constant thread throughout  Cora's life and the turmoil of one event in particular and the emotional roller coaster of unanswered questions it created. This  episode delves into the inherent power and profound influence our childhood experiences wield over our lives and  how  Cora,  "in the twilight before sleep, flies out the window, into the mystery of a sudden disappearance and asks why."

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

Two long years following my divorce I was financially situated to return to school without my mother's help. This episode delves into my seemingly innocent meeting and infatuation with Jackson Mory,  the graduate assistant in my color theory class at Queens College, and how he became the gateway into the notorious world of the group and the Sullivanians, years later classified as a cult.  Unbeknownst to me there was enormous pressure put on Jackson to encourage me to join the group and our 'dates' played a pivotal role in this entanglement.  

Time to continue navigating the mysterious workings of the Sullivanian Institute, this controversial lesser-known side of society that after decades still spurs debate. So brace yourselves.

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

 ]As this episode unfolds the eerie news bulletins of Jonestown bring with it the realization that the Sullivanians were a cult and I was part of it.  Hoping, one last time to make a go of my relationship with Chris we move to the East Village,

Still cleaning for two Sullianian apartments,  a few months later the events of near nuclear meltdown at Three Mile Island nuclear plant unfolds.  Caught in the crossfire I learned of the treacherous events, marked by unprecedented actions and some shocking discoveries. These events are true. I experienced them. Thank you for listening and please pass along

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

New York made abortion legal in 1970 – three years before Roe v. Wade.  I needed a late-term abortion and  I was having trouble finding a doctor but then Rachel's mother found Dr. Lowenthal. He was brusque during the consultation and examination and as he explained the procedure to my mother in an emotionless monotone she became distressed.   I assured her it was  my choice but at the hospital a few days later when he rolled  himself into the waiting area in a wheelchair,  my mother couldn't hide her apprehension

This is a raw and unfiltered description of what every woman experiences when faced with the agonizing decision of abortion and the intense fear, the physical agony, and the psychological distress, that follows an abortion that is often overlooked..

The painful procedure and the risks that came with it were exacerbated by the sadistic doctor and the reproachful nursing staff and the palpable fear  at the  bone-chilling realization that the doctor was operating without anesthesia

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

"I am asking the apartment to ask Cora to leave. I don't have to say anymore. My therapist said I didn't have to give my reasons and that I could just ask the apartment to ask her to leave. You could either vote yes or no based on my request."

This is what Annie, my once-upon-a-time ally and friend in the group asked of our roommates, in the apartment where I had lived for three years. I  had heard this uncompromising reasoning many times in my five years in the group. To me, it was bullying. 

In the end, it was majority rule and I had a week to leave. A group apartment was forming on the 12th floor of our building and that was where I wound up. This new   apartment coming together in the middle of the winter didn't exactly include the cream of the Sullivanian crop, 
.
 A week after I moved upstairs, Stan,  my fourth and final therapist - a former history teacher - in another bizarre twist, asked me if I  wanted to move back because if I did, 'I should call the apartment and ask for a house meeting  and say that I should be allowed to move back because Annie had bullied my roommates."  This is exactly what I had said to him weeks before. To this day, I don't know what held me to the chair because at the time every impulse I had was urging me to grab Stan by his bony shoulders and shake him until he fell apart.  

Listen to this episode and hear how Stan's incompetence and  Annie's bullying helped  me recover the resilience I thought was lost.

The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you

CULT!
Through a Blue Window: is a podcast that chronicles the rise and fall of the Sullivanian Institute and its members. This psycho-sexual therapy institute existed on Manhattan's Upper West Side from the 1970s through the 1990s, and in later years was characterized as a cult.  I was a member of the Sullivanians for five years during which time I was directed to abandon family and friends.  After learning of my mother's death in May 1975, while deeply entrenched in the Sullivanians, I was ordered not to go to the funeral,  and I didn’t,  thus inextricably altering my life and a decision I regret to this day.

The first hour-and-a-half podcast and ensuing chapters tell of these events, beginning with my earliest memory - a 'history,' if you will, to borrow from the Sullivanian lexicon and bedrock of their control. Once in the group members were instructed to break ties with their families, and in particular mothers, who were seen as toxic and the root of all neurosis.  This philosophy was the engine that drove the Sullivanian ideology.

In 2013, still haunted by the events of my involvement, I began to write a memoir.  By trade, I am a visual artist and teacher, and also a poet and short story writer.  I had no idea the deep dive and the many many iterations and years it would take  to complete the book. I tried to get an agent or publisher, however, the book languished on my computer. Years passed, then with the advent of iMovie and using my memoir as the scaffolding I created a documentary.  It was an official selection of New FilmMakers NY  2020 and a Spotlight Documentary Bronze award winner for artistic merit.

Unlike other practicing therapists who worked under a strict code of ethics, there were no such boundaries for the Sullivanians or "the group," as the members of the Institute and their therapists were self-referentially known. Sex between patients and therapists, the wide use of Valium, and drinking were encouraged

The  Village Voice and NewYorkMagazine, documented these events in 1989, blowing the lid off the pathological and secretive lives of the group from its seemingly benign beginnings to the children and to the bravery of three former members and the custody battles that ensued.  One, a  very brave mother who was forced into hiding with her newborn baby, and two fathers who fought for custody after escaping.

The  Sullivanians were eventually brought down by their collective paranoia, and hubris. Through Blue Window recounts all these events in a podcast for anyone who would find it hard to wrap their head around the want or need to belong to a group like this and wants to understand why.
 
This is my personal accounting tracing early childhood trauma that made me vulnerable to the lure of a group that painted itself as the vanguard party, where the patients were controlled by the information they revealed in sessions as well as by sex, sleep deprivation, and valium, This is what you will hear in Through a Blue Window: the podcast now available for download through many platforms: Apple, Amazon, iheartradio
 
The documentary can be seen on my YouTube  channel shellfein1. 

Thank you so much for your time. I would love to hear your thoughts
https://youtu.be/ADhx7KHb_p8  (trailer)
https://youtu.be/4WUpfh3HFlg ( full )
www.shelleyfeinerman.com
shellfein2@aol.com


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The complete documentary Through a BlueWindow  can be seen  on my youtube channel shellfein1. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Thank you