My Humanity Is Showing

Stories I tell myself

Sun, 10 Mar 2024 19:00:00 -0500

Stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire, I was faced with a choice that could either escalate my stress or redefine the moment into an unexpected life lesson. It’s experiences like these that I unpack in our latest episode, where we navigate the emotional terrain of our personal narratives and discover the transformative power of reframing our internal dialogues. From the tension of work deadlines to the complexities of teamwork, join me as I share intimate stories that illustrate how the tales we tell ourselves can either imprison us in anxiety or liberate us with a sense of calm and purpose.

Embarking on a quest for clarity, we dissect the nuances between objective truth and personal perception, pondering how empathy and humility enrich our worldview. I recount a workplace blunder that could have spelled disaster but instead became a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and the synergy of collaboration. Later, we shift focus to the mirrors of self-reflection and gratitude, where spiritual connections and the candor of a trusted friend offer unvarnished truths that guide us toward personal growth. Prepare to be inspired and perhaps even find solace as we explore these heartfelt themes together.

NOTE: as an experiment, I am using the AI-produced description (paragraphs above). Definitely NOT something I would write: just curious what would happen if I use it…

Courage to Face New Beginnings

Sun, 03 Mar 2024 06:00:00 -0600

Have you ever stood on the brink of a new endeavor feeling both invigorated and terrified? That's where I find myself as I return from my hiatus, inviting you to join me on a journey of authenticity and new beginnings. Today, we strip away the glossy facades to embrace the raw and real challenges of life's transitions. As we share this space, I'll talk about my aspirations of transforming our heartfelt conversations into a livelihood, and together, we'll contemplate how to keep the essence of our exchange intact.

Sometimes, the idea of monetizing a passion can seem like a betrayal of authenticity, but what if it could fuel dreams like starting an orphanage or a school? In this episode, I ponder the delicate balance between nurturing our community and exploring avenues to support my family's dreams. We'll also consider how to sprinkle structure into our discussions without compromising their core, and I muse over the prospect of expanding our connection through a video podcast. Additionally, I'll reveal the strategic, timeline-driven approach that may just rescue us from the graveyard of forgotten New Year's resolutions.

Confronting fear is a part of every journey, including my own through 54 episodes and the management of attention deficits. This episode reflects on the importance of routines and how they've supported my consistency, punctuated by thoughtful pauses to reassess our direction. Lastly, we wrap things up with a reminder of the power of empathy and compassion in our shared human experiences. It's not just about understanding ourselves but also recognizing that everyone is fighting their own battles with bravery. Join me as we navigate these waters, and if my musings resonate, I hope you'll feel inspired to share this episode with someone who might find a kindred spirit in our conversations.

NOTE: as an experiment, I am using the AI-produced description (paragraphs above). Definitely NOT something I would write: just curious what would happen if I use it…

Gratitude and Connection

Sun, 24 Dec 2023 09:00:00 -0600

Have you ever found yourself enveloped in the seemingly mundane, like a traffic jam, only to discover a hidden gem of beauty and calm within the chaos? I've had such an epiphany, and it's a tale I'm eager to share with you, one that dives into the surprisingly transformative power of gratitude. This episode of "My Humanity is Showing" is a heartfelt recounting of personal stories where gratitude became my North Star, guiding me through life's tumultuous seas to a place of serenity and connection.

As a podcaster, I walk the tightrope of sharing my narrative without turning the microphone into a pulpit. I'm not here to preach; rather, I'm opening the curtain to the struggles I face behind the scenes, from the vacuum of feedback to the fear of my words becoming mere echoes in a void. My aim? To resonate with you through raw, unfiltered reflections on human connection, mental health, and the potent combo of both during times when darkness seems to stretch its fingers a bit too far, like the holiday season.

This conversation is not just about the beauty of gratitude but the critical role it plays in our approach to life's runways—the angle of gratitude, if you will. By sharing my transition from the brink of despair to a place teeming with thankfulness, I invite you to consider opening your own windows, letting the light and air of connection disperse the shadows that might lurk within. No matter where your journey may take you, there's a seat for you here, where we find courage in our shared humanity and turn our collective gaze towards the horizon of hope.

NOTE: as an experiment, I am using the AI-produced description (paragraphs above). Definitely NOT something I would write: just curious what would happen if I use it…

Embracing the Present

Sun, 17 Dec 2023 21:00:00 -0600

“Have you ever pondered over the real essence of aging and what it means to grow older? Picture a young boy, mind full of curiosity, innocently fascinated with the ritual of shaving - fast forward to that same boy, now a man, staring at the mirror with a different type of fascination, one that comes with the stark reality of aging. Join me, Amjad, as we navigate this complex yet beautiful journey of life, and the changing priorities that come with aging. This episode offers an insightful discussion where I share my reflections on the dreams that have fueled my motivation - getting married, becoming a father, and the importance of being a good son, brother, and friend. Through it all, I underline the significant role personal relationships play in our lives.

Imagine a life where every moment is savored, not as a stepping stone to the future, but as a precious present moment. In this hurried world, we often find ourselves constantly looking forward to what's coming next, which can sometimes rob us of the joy of the now. With humor and honesty, I share my journey of living in the present and the challenges of breaking free from inherent biases. We take a deep dive into the connection between inspiration and hard work, discussing the importance of finding calmness, letting go of control, and connecting with a higher power. This episode stands as a reminder to us all to slow down, enjoy the moment, and be open to the wisdom and creativity that comes from within.”

NOTE: as an experiment, I am using the AI-produced title and description (two paragraphs above). Definitely not something I would write: just curious what would happen…

Just little ol’ me

Sun, 10 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0600

This is episode 52 and marks “one year” of episodes (although I missed a few weeks along the way).

In this episode I share more on the topic of acceptance and fame.

I dream about a simple life

Sun, 03 Dec 2023 07:00:00 -0600

As I watched a fascinating documentary about longevity, I couldn't help but begin reflecting on my own life. I often find myself longing for a simple rural life and close-knit communities.

Can I choose gratitude? - Thanksgiving episode

Sun, 26 Nov 2023 17:00:00 -0600

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on gratitude. In this episode, I share my experiences with and without gratitude.

Surprisingly, I adapt to change

Sun, 19 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0600

In this episode, I share times when I have unknowingly adapted to changes. In the process of reflecting on my experiences with change, I may have stumbled across some hope…

When I was about 10 years old

Sun, 12 Nov 2023 20:00:00 -0600

This episode is a trip down memory lane to visit 10-year-old me. That was a particularly difficult time for me and may have significantly impacted who I am today.

Trigger warning: bullying via name calling

Drowning in a sea of me

Sun, 05 Nov 2023 05:00:00 -0600

I’m this episode I share my experiences with self-obsession. Specifically, what does that look like for me? In what ways have I been self-obsessive? What happens when I self-obsess? What does it look like now?

The hand I was dealt

Tue, 24 Oct 2023 21:00:00 -0500

Apologies in advances for the sound of my voice in this episode; I’m recovering from a cold (my excuse for posting later than usual).

In this week’s episode, I reflect on how my brain has historically internalized “failure” and my latest encounter with negative self-talk.

Damaged car resembles me

Sun, 15 Oct 2023 20:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I share about how I relate to a damaged car: broken, imperfect, yet somehow moving forward and serving a purpose.

Why do I have a bad case of FOMO?

Sun, 08 Oct 2023 21:00:00 -0500

My hunger for seizing every opportunity often feels overpowering, much like the main character in John Bunyan's The Pilgrim's Progress. i often deal with an irresistible urge to seize every opportunity which makes me forget to take out time for myself.

This was an interesting episode for me as I had a clear visual image pop into my head early in the share and decided to follow it. I’ll let the listeners decide if it was worth the risk to follow a new concept while recording.

Don’t exclude me

Sun, 01 Oct 2023 23:00:00 -0500

There have been many things I have done and not done while trying to “fit in.” In this episode, I reflect on the impact of inclusion on my life.

Beautifully broken me

Sun, 24 Sep 2023 11:00:00 -0500

I work hard to remind myself to not only embrace my imperfections, but that through them I can be a better version of myself just as the gold-filled cracks of the Japanese tradition of Kintsugi adds to the beauty and resilience of once broken pottery.

In this episode, I share a recent challenge I had with self-criticism and how I worked through it.

I need help… (examining self-talk)

Sun, 17 Sep 2023 23:00:00 -0500

I often find myself repeating words and phrases I heard growing up, without even realizing it. In many cases, these phrases are negative self-talk. I call these the “old tapes” I play. In this episode, I reflect on some recent challenges with negative self-talk and examples of implicit bias that are hidden in my lexicon, and some ways I can work to “re-record” those internal messages.

Note: I mention a book I read in my youth. Unfortunately, I cannot remember or find the name of the book.

I am worthy to live (988 episode)

Mon, 11 Sep 2023 06:00:00 -0500

I dedicate this episode to to World Suicide Prevention Day, and share my own experiences with suicidal ideation and attempts. My aim is to remove the stigma and foster a dialogue about mental health struggles. The last time I seriously considered ending my life was in February 2007, when I finally found the courage to ask for help. As a result, I have gradually learned a new way of life, replacing self-annihilation thoughts with self-care and respect.

Please help share the new suicide and crisis hotline number 988…

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and attempts discussed

Special Note: Episode 34 “Fear drives my dysfunction…” re-recorded

Mon, 04 Sep 2023 15:00:00 -0500

This is a special note about episode 34, “Fear drives my dysfunction…” A dedicated listener (and dear friend) highlighted an issue with the audio file, leading me to learn that the original recording was a garbled mess, followed by silence.

Fortunately, I was able to re-record and replace the faulty file. Sadly, the original recording is lost in the ether, but the new version should cover some of the key points and even features the same random message. If you had attempted the listen before or are intrigued by the title, I invite you to download/re-download and listen. If you’ve previously downloaded, you may need to delete the original download and refresh it with the new one.

What labor means to me…

Mon, 04 Sep 2023 15:00:00 -0500

As Labor Day nears, I find myself drawn into contemplating the essence of work and labor in my life. Join me as I share some reflections on “what labor means to me.”

My survival depends on letting go…

Sun, 27 Aug 2023 06:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I share about the powerful tool of surrender as a way to find peace and accept my own imperfections…

Don’t put me in a bucket!

Sun, 20 Aug 2023 14:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I share my reflections on why people stereotype and why I particularly find it troublesome…

Can I share with positive vulnerability?

Sun, 13 Aug 2023 18:00:00 -0500

In the pursuit of showing my humanity, I have been aspiring to make it a positive experience for all involved. In this episode, I share about the podcast and my recent posting about it on social media. In the process, I stumbled across an interesting realization about vulnerability.

I aspire to be more flexible…

Sun, 06 Aug 2023 22:00:00 -0500

As a youth, I remember watching Mary Lou Retton win the gold medal in the 1984 Summer Olympics for a perfect vault. At the time, I was actively participating in gymnastics and working hard on my handstands and flexibility. Over the years, I have become less flexible. In this episode, as I reflected on physical flexibility, it made me also ponder the extent of my mental/emotional rigidity.

Note: I mentioned a physical injury to my hand that could be triggering to some.

Fear drives my dysfunction…

Sun, 30 Jul 2023 07:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I share about how I believe that fear is the main driver of dysfunctional behavior; therefore, it is better for me to approach others with compassion and try to address their fears rather than judge them.

NOTE: the first time I recorded and posted this episode the file was corrupt. I have since re-recorded and reposted…

How wealthy am I?

Sun, 16 Jul 2023 17:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I reflect on the meaning of the concept of wealth. In my life, I often find a desire to accumulate wealth. This especially happens when I look to the lifestyles of the rich and famous and think to myself, “It sure would be nice to have a personal jet, several cars, mansion with elegant swimming pools, and the love and admiration of many…” After an interesting conversation with a friend, I began to ask the simple question, “How wealthy am I?”

Am I free? - July 4th Episode

Tue, 04 Jul 2023 23:00:00 -0500

“Love can only exist in freedom. The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover.” Anthony De Mello in The Way to Love

In this episode, I share some reflections about what “freedom” means to me.

In memory of…

Mon, 29 May 2023 17:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I reflected on the meaning of Memorial Day and let the stream of consciousness flow. Perhaps there is some benefit hidden in my share.

Trigger warnings: mentions of war, human trafficking, death, depression

I had a bad day, thankfully

Sun, 21 May 2023 15:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I shared about a emotionally challenging day resulting from my own shame and fear of rejection. I am grateful for the miracle that this was only one day rather than several days, or even months, as it would have been in the past.

Trigger warning: mental health issues, suicide, depression

I’m just a spoon

Sun, 14 May 2023 17:00:00 -0500

“Make me a channel/instrument of Thy Peace…” from then St. Francis Prayer (I believe I accidentally called it the Lord’s Prayer). In this episode, I share about my desire to make a difference in the world and “leave my legacy”: my vain attempt at immortality. That being said, I have found the most peace in just being a spoon - you’ll have to listen to the episode to understand what that means.

Is something wrong with me?

Sun, 07 May 2023 23:00:00 -0500

This was a particularly difficult episode to record. I shared about a very embarrassing behavior from early in my marriage. I’m grateful today for clarity around my reaction to help me see that I am not possessed or evil.

I’m nick-naming this the “French Fry episode.” You’ll have to listen to understand why.

What brings me joy?

Mon, 01 May 2023 05:00:00 -0500

This was an interesting episode for me. I started by sharing my fear that I’ll soon no longer be relevant and my podcast might one day become repetitive. Before I knew it, I was sharing about my recent experience with a Whole Health Coach and the results of her asking a simple question, “What brings you joy?”

Trigger Warning: Mental Health, Suicide

I choose to focus on the present

Mon, 24 Apr 2023 22:00:00 -0500

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so, wants nothing.” - Seneca

In this episode, I reflect on how focusing on the present has helped my deal with fear/anxiety and resentment/regret.

Can someone like me make an impact?

Sun, 16 Apr 2023 23:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I share some reflections on black and white thinking, imposter thoughts, and my desperate need for validation, acceptance, and inclusion.

I am perfectly imperfect

Mon, 10 Apr 2023 21:00:00 -0500

Imperfection - God’s perfect plan to stay actively involved in our lives… In this episode, I reflect on some of my recent errors and reflections on how beautiful imperfection can be.

I crave human connection

Mon, 03 Apr 2023 06:00:00 -0500

In this episode I share some of my experiences and reflections around the importance of human connection, in particular when I can be of service.

I have dysfunctional empathy

Sun, 26 Mar 2023 15:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I share some reflections on sympathy, empathy, and my struggles with balancing empathy with self-care.

I don’t want to burn out

Sun, 19 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0500

In this episode, I share about the importance of keeping some laughter in my life.

My perspectometer is broken!

Sun, 12 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0500

“I’d like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective.” - Anton Ego from Ratatouille. In this episode, I discuss a concept I recently stumbled upon that I find helpful to remind me to always check the stories that I assign to the world and myself.

Till my time comes, can I keep smiling?

Sun, 05 Mar 2023 22:00:00 -0600

After a frightening flight (may have been mild for those without a fear of flying) and some experiences around aging family this past week, I share in this episode about mortality, aging, the elderly.

Trigger warnings: suicide, flying, elder care

But for Grace, I don’t judge me

Sun, 26 Feb 2023 23:00:00 -0600

Judgment is used by those who have been given authority to assign value to things. For example, a building inspector has the training and authority to determine if construction meets or doesn’t meet the standards. Assigning value without authority is a form of insane pride. In this episode, I explore this topic further.

Trigger warnings: depression, suicide

Tell me about the good old days

Tue, 21 Feb 2023 22:00:00 -0600

In this episode, I share some reflections about the impact nostalgia has on my personality. In many ways, I am a collection of my memories.

I am so sorry - but why?

Sun, 12 Feb 2023 19:00:00 -0600

I have a hard time seeing myself as a valuable person who is allowed to ask for assistance from others. My tendency is to start requests with “I am so sorry to bother you…” or add “I am high maintenance…” I many ways I am addicted to shame.

Today, I seek to show myself some respect and ask for what I need without succumbing to my shame.

Which team am I rooting for? - Super Bowl episode

Sun, 05 Feb 2023 08:00:00 -0600

With Super Bowl LVII coming up, several people are asking me, “Which team are you rooting for: Chiefs or Eagles?” In this episode, I share my experiences with football and other competitive team sports.

I do not like flying

Mon, 30 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0600

I am not a fan of flying! Everything from airports to plane exhaust bothers me. Most of all, I hate not being in the cockpit flying the plane. I have a strong need to be in control. In this episode, I reflect on my journey from unchecked control to the freedom that comes from release.

Part 2: Do I know a God? (Religion vs Spirituality)

Mon, 23 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0600

In this week’s episode, we continue where we left off last week with the rest of the recording from the live session on the Wisdom app.

In my teens, I became committed to religion. This was the start of a long journey of seeking perfection on faith. Through my own personal struggles, I was led to a break from religion while I strived to “meet” God. Today, my religious practice is nowhere as tightly constructed as it once was; however, I have been fortunate to grow along spiritual lines. This episode is Part 2 of a two part exploration of the topic.

Trigger warnings: depression, suicide

Part 1: Do I know a God? (Religion vs Spirituality)

Sun, 15 Jan 2023 23:00:00 -0600

In my teens, I became committed to religion. This was the start of a long journey of seeking perfection on faith. Through my own personal struggles, I was led to a break from religion while I strived to “meet” God. Today, my religious practice is nowhere as tightly constructed as it once was; however, I have been fortunate to grow along spiritual lines. This episode is Part 1 of a two part exploration of the topic.

Note- The opening reading is from pg 83 of the book Walking on Water by Anthony De Mello.

Trigger warnings: depression, suicide

I won’t live forever

Sun, 08 Jan 2023 10:00:00 -0600

“Sweet Dreams are made of this…” I stumbled upon this famous song at the end of the episode and it reminded me of the famous sililoquy about suicidal ideation “To be or not to be, that is the question,” in which Hamlet asks himself about life after death and “what dreams may come?” In this episode, I touch on the topic of mortality and my reluctance to get medical care from providers I don’t know.

Trigger warning: cancer, death, dental care, oral surgery

Our cultures can bring us closer

Sun, 01 Jan 2023 09:00:00 -0600

With the start of a new year on the Gregorian Calendar, I shared my experiences with another calendar (Hijri). This opened up a discussion on various holidays, customs, traditions, languages, and cultures and how these can be divisive or binding depending on how I choose to view them. The random message of this episode was rather interesting and brought an additional discussion about viewing the world through the loving eyes of a child. Note: this episode is longer than usual due to how excited I got talking about cultures.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

Oh no, I feel left out

Sun, 25 Dec 2022 23:00:00 -0600

I have always struggled with a tremendous fear of missing out (FOMO). In particular, holidays and vacations create a feeling in me of being abandoned. Over time, I have learned to support the positive voice inside me that presents me with a more realistic picture of what’s happening as opposed to the negative self-view voice.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

I got the Sunday night blues

Sun, 18 Dec 2022 23:00:00 -0600

It seems that Sunday evenings are often heavy for me as I mentally prepare to face the week. In this episode, I explore the narratives that may be fueling my discontent with the start of the work week.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

Can I let go?

Sun, 11 Dec 2022 23:00:00 -0600

I live under the illusion of control. I have often believed that any success I have experienced in my life is the direct result of how hard I have tried to control the outcomes. In recent years, I have come to believe that the more I can let go (insert Disney song here), the better things tend to turn out.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

What’s your name… again?

Sun, 04 Dec 2022 11:00:00 -0600

Lately I have been struggling with what seems to be increasing memory issues: forgetting names, what I was doing, making mistakes, etc… This tempts me to shame myself and want to indulge self-loathing. I refuse to believe that I am a bad person because I have a very human memory. As with previous episodes, I do not plan or script the content. Instead, I ask for the share and allow it to flow through me. It’s scary for sure. In this episode, I realized I started to talk about certain experiences and then got redirected elsewhere. Listeners may not notice the unfinished trains of thought, but I see them as times that my Higher Power is controlling the content.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

It’s my choice

Sun, 27 Nov 2022 06:00:00 -0600

When I was in college, I had a pretty dark view of life. I often quoted Hamlet (Shakespeare’s play about a suicidal Danish prince) and wished for death. One of the most common phrases I frequently said was: "life sucks, and then you die!" In those days, I chose to feed the darkness inside myself by constantly reinforcing the negative perspective.

Today, I choose to focus on the positive. I am definitely not 100% at this, but my life is incredibly better. In this episode, I share some stories and quotes that helped shape my current view on life.

PS - In the episode, I reference Avengers: Infinity War (spoiler alert) but couldn’t remember the name of the movie until 30 mins after recording.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

Oops, was that me?

Sun, 20 Nov 2022 06:00:00 -0600

Part of being human means that in certain situations I have no control over my body (and mind). Then why do I try so hard to hide my humanity? Does pretending to be an android somehow make me more likable? What am I so afraid will happen if someone finds out I’m human? Why am I quick to judge others when their humanity shows?

I had chosen a different topic for today, and then something happened a couple of minutes into the recording that caused the entire episode to shift to another topic. Looks like the original topic will need to wait until a future episode.

This episode really challenged my goal of not editing/filtering the recordings. Single take, nothing removed, the real me… my humanity is really showing in this episode.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

Why can’t I focus?

Sun, 13 Nov 2022 20:00:00 -0600

Since I can remember, I have had trouble focusing. My brain is often completely scattered, and thoughts seem to pop around in my head like little fleas. This inability to focus has caused great pain to those closest to me. In this episode, I reflect on some of those experiences and am grateful for a relatively healthier response to a recent incident.

In the first half of this episode, I share a couple of challenges related to recording this incredibly vulnerable podcast. Aside from the fear of being known for the real me, I have also been afraid to share my journey on the controversial topic of God.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

Look me in the eye

Sun, 06 Nov 2022 14:00:00 -0600

Why is it so hard for me to maintain eye contact? Am I afraid of intimacy (into me, you see)? I can’t even seem to maintain eye contact with myself.

In this week’s episode, I reflect on the topic of eye contact and moving past feelings of inadequacy and shame. Despite my fear of rejection, I invite you to look me in the eye.

PS - after recording this episode I learned that there’s a song titled “Into me you see” by Katy Perry. I am interested to listen and possibly share on it in a future episode.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

I finally did it!

Sat, 29 Oct 2022 09:00:00 -0500

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, dear me! Happy 50th birthday to me!

A tremendous amount of fear has been bypassed. Despite all the voices of shame and self-doubt, I am publishing this episode. Welcome to the very first episode of my podcast. In this episode, I share my experience with a very embarrassing recent situation at the store and more importantly my hope for this podcast.

There is no editing here. No re-recording. The raw me is exposed, and it’s terrifying. But that’s okay. Here, "my humanity is showing" to be a source of hope for others. I pray my story reaches those who need to hear it.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide ideation and attempts