For quite some time, I’ve been considering the role of gossip in friendship. I’ve reflected on my own patterns and beliefs, and I’ve thought hard about where I’ve pushed the boundaries. 

My goal in this episode is to get to the root of gossip and the role it plays in relationships. I dive into some research about the history of gossip and include some guidelines I use in my personal life.

I don't think you need to feel guilty every time you talk about someone; guilt just makes us second-guess very normal, necessary human conversations. But I do think we can get a little more intentional about how we use gossip so that it serves rather than harms our connections.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The history of the word “gossip” – what it used to mean, who it referred to, and when it became associated with women’s social circles
• The rebranding of gossip as derogatory, and modern social scientists’ more neutral definition of gossip
• Different ways gossip can be useful, including processing confusing or painful situations and reality checking
• My own personal questions and guidelines for deciding whether it’s OK to talk about a friend to another friend, including the outcome test and the audience test

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

When she got divorced, she felt isolated and without a support system, even among people she thought were friends. She’d been so busy being everyone else’s “person” that she never let anyone be hers. 

So, she created the kind of space she was seeking. She founded the Unmuted Room, a judgement-free confidential listening space built on the premise that being heard is not a luxury but a necessity.

In our conversation, Erin describes the slow, quiet realization that the friendships she’d been showing up for weren’t actually showing up for her – which I think is a common experience that’s going to make so many listeners feel seen. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The challenge of feeling like you don’t fit in a friend group and the pressure to conform to their value and interests 
• Erin’s slow realization that her role as the listener among friends was being unreciprocated in the midst of a divorce, eventually leading her to feel ostracized
• The importance in finding new supportive relationships and the role of networking groups that helped Erin rebuild
• The Unmuted Room and the types of people who seek Erin’s services, including people who are in life transitions, caring for aging parents, experiencing fertility issues, etc. 

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework; Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing friendship patterns; Episode 86 about embodying main character energy in your friendships; and Episode 90, aimed at helping men strengthen their social circles.

Check out the Unmuted Room and try out a free 10-minute consultation with Erin.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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One of the longest studies on human connection found that adults who went to social gatherings regularly reported reduced levels of depression and better life satisfaction.

The good news? You don’t have to wait for life to ease up or to get invited to see your people; you can start creating recurring friend gatherings right now, which is what I’m talking about in today’s episode.

Not only will these gatherings help you keep up with friends – whether they be in your inner circle or neighbors you want to know better – they might even become your secret weapon for meeting new people in a low pressure way.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My counterpoints to common fears about hosting (What if nobody shows up? What if my home’s not nice enough?)
• The value in starting small (just one or two people!) and simple, remembering that most people don’t remember the details of a gathering, only the emotional impact
• Tactics for setting up recurring gatherings, such as locking in regular times or activities – plus, how my husband organizes regular movie nights
• Making gatherings easier for people to attend and enjoy (familiarity and comfort are key!) and host (popsicles, anyone?)

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 6 about the six roles of hosting; Episode 91 about taking charge of your guest experience; Episode 111 about hosting perfectly imperfect (and consequently more frequent) gatherings; and Episode 155 about hosting on any budget.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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Maybe you’d been focusing on your career and lost touch with your friends. Maybe a big life transition has made you feel the friendships you used to have were tied to a version of you that no longer exists.

I’ve been there. I feel your pain, and I wish I could give you a big hug. But as somebody who’s been in this situation before, I can also tell you this: you might have more people in your circle than you think.

In this episode, I want to unpack this feeling and recommend a variety of episodes that might help you find the inspiration to go out and change your social landscape. (Be sure to check out the links below!)

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The common misconception that there is something inherently wrong with individuals who struggle to make and maintain friends
• The shame spiral and negative self-talk of feeling like you have no friends and the importance of understanding how you arrived at this point
• Various circumstances and life changes that may of occurred that have made maintaining or making connections difficult
• The Wheel of Connection, which is a conclusive look at the different people you have in your life

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 27 about loneliness; Episode 69 about learned loneliness; Episode 132 about navigating great friendship shifts; Episodes 25 and Episode 153 about friendship break-ups; Episode 101 about chronic illness; Episode 18 and Episode 35 about grief; Episode 19 about starting from scratch; Episode 100 (do the exercise!) about the wheel of connection; Episode 72 about virtual connections; Episode 128 about pararsocial relationships; Episode 129 about online friends; Episode 78 about friendship self-talk; Episode 41 about the liking gap;

Today’s guest is Connor Joyce, a senior user researcher on the Microsoft Copilot team who has been working in the AI space for five years. He has integrated AI into almost every aspect of his life, including friendships. 

To some of you, this might seem intense, and I get it. But I challenge you to stay curious and listen to the intentionality behind Connor’s use of AI, because what he’s doing isn’t that different from what many of us already do, just in a different format.

Connor isn't using AI to replace his relationships. He's using it to show up better in them, to understand himself more deeply, and to make decisions aligned with his values – and when you strip away the AI part, that's just good relationship work. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How Connor uses AI in various aspects of his life, including work, personal organization, and his relationships
• How Connor’s use of AI is similar to traditional methods of tracking relationships and developing self-awareness about them, from journaling to therapy
• NOT using AI for simple, one-sentence queries, but instead providing context before prompting it to analyze or generate audits into something
• Being transparent when using digital AI tools in friendships and using the tool to align decisions with core values of accountability and growth

Resources & Links

See Connor’s guide on how he uses ChatGTP and follow him on LinkedIn.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I experienced this dichotomy the other night, when my friend shared a success. I found myself performing enthusiasm while dealing with conflicted emotions; I wanted that kind of success, too. Did this make me a bad friend for feeling something other than pure joy for her?

In this episode I talk about jealousy in friendship: how it happens, for all things big and small; the different ways it might manifest; and how acknowledging it can shift your friendship culture in a deep way.

I think the goal is not to have no feelings. It’s to let the feelings tell you something useful – and then bring that information back to your friendship.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Envy vs. jealousy in friendships, and processing each through self reflection and honest conversations
• How to avoid the distance and awkwardness that jealousy or envy can provoke in friendships
• The internal struggle of performing enthusiasm while dealing with conflicting emotions
• Why envying somebody famous feels so different from envying a friend

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Turns out, millions of people are feeling anxious about asking someone to join them for coffee! (What do I say? What if they think I’m weird? What if they say no?)

Today, we end that cycle. I’ll talk you through how to ask someone to hang out: what to say, how to handle rejection, why it feels hard.

Embrace that awkward first encounter! That’s the kind of thing you laugh about later on, years into a friendship.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why asking someone to hang out feels so much harder as an adult than when you’re a kid or teenager
• The value in being specific when asking someone to hang out and suggesting an activity or time
• The importance of not taking rejections personally! Rejection is of the offer, not of the person; others might not be prioritizing connection right now as highly as you are
• How to make it easier to ask somebody to hang out by choosing an activity they’re already partaking in

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 145 about reframing rejection with Tanisha Moody, 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

 If you have been telling yourself “I’m too introverted” or “I’m just bad at this” —  that story is not permanent. If you keep showing up, you'll look back and realize you're not the same person anymore. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How Alison’s move to San Diego triggered her to become more intentional about her friendships, starting with connecting with the organizer of a Meetup group
• How Alison used Instagram as a kind of “friendship dating app” to find and connect with people in her community
• Real Time Creator, which documents Alison’s career break from being a high-earning breadwinner to taking a creative sabbatical
• Alison’s challenge to have coffee with 10 new people over the course of a year, and her experience organizing low-stakes hangouts

Resources & Links

Find Alison on Instagram, LinkedIn, and her podcast Real Time Creator, which documents her layoff from tech and creative sabbatical. 

Learn more about my podcast editing team, Podcasting for Creatives.

Listen to Episode 12 about the Roots framework; Episode 14 about friend groups; Episode 44 about how making friends can help you with the big life choices; Episode 48 about using the internet to find connections; Episode 83 about making friends in different life stages; and Episode 134 about fringe friends.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

If having a massive group chat text chain stresses you out, then I’m going to let you in on a secret: it’s because you CARE about your friendships. But with these chains, we’re also sometimes pouring this caring into the wrong place.

In this episode, I talk about auditing these group chats and determining what’s working and what’s draining. How can we use them, not as a primary source of connection, but as a tool to move toward connection that feels fulfilling?

With a little effort, hopefully this extra thought will mean we’re texting a little less with the intention of connecting a little more.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Looking at how your group chats are functioning: is it to update a large group of friends? Is it a smaller group? What’s the purpose of the group chat?
• Having conversations with your friends about what the group chats are for; for example, are side conversations okay? Is it okay to add new people to the chat? Etc.
• Giving yourself permission to set boundaries: you don’t have to be in every chat, you can mute or leave, and you can set response windows
• In my opinion, the wrong kind of group chat work (constantly checking, crafting perfect replies) vs. the right work (auditing chats, investing energy where it matters)

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 161 about managing friendship overload and relationship burnout.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Likely you’re at the tail end of a group chat, and it kind of feels like walking into a party two hours late. You want to respond but wonder: will people be annoyed at you for backtracking? Maybe you even feel resentful for being added to this chat without consent. 

Group chats can sometimes feel like you’re operating with one arm behind your back – but if you suffer group chat anxiety, I think it’s important to remember that it’s because you really care about your friendships.

This episode is the first segment of a two-part series on anxiety surrounding group chats: today, we’re talking about why group chats can be tricky to navigate, and in the next, what you can actually do about it.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why group chats are often used to satisfy a craving for connection but often fall short of delivering real connection people want
• The richness of in-person connection (Body language! Tone! Shared moments!) vs. the flatness of texting
• Different ways group chats can cause anxiety, from the public nature of having something you said responded to or ignored to lurker guilt
• The intensity overload of group chats, plus, different studies about texting and anxiety

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots framework; Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection; Episode 127 about using data to manage your friendship mental load; Episode 131 about the spectrum of digital connection; and Episode 134 about fringe friends.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In today’s episode, Michelle and I talk about the evolution of relationships through all of life’s ups and downs and the value of showing up imperfectly.

Shortly after recording, my own friends lost their son in the NICU, and I felt uncertain how to go about sharing this episode; I decided to release it because my friend told me these kinds of stories provide her comfort and can be hard to find.

If you're supporting someone through grief, or if you're in it yourself, I hope that this conversation gives you permission to have the hard conversations. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The power in giving our grieving friends the options of whether they want to talk about their loss or not 
• How I used this episode to show up for my own grieving friends, including normalizing talking about the the child they lost, Cam, and being present through hard days
• Why we can’t maintain our friendship peaks forever, just as you can’t sustain race-day conditioning – and that’s OK
• What’s actually helpful for people grieving, from remembering anniversaries to offering concrete help (i.e., don’t ask what they need, offer a service instead)

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.

Michelle and her husband founded the Colette Louise Tisdahl Foundation, which aims to improve outcomes of pregnancy, childbirth, prematurity and infancy, and help the grieving process. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Across the country, from Minneapolis to Maine, people, including children, are being kidnapped from their homes under the guise of immigration crackdown. 

So today’s episode is about leveraging connection as a form of resistance to protect our neighbors. What can you offer, and how do you present yourself as a safe person?

You might think the action ideas in this episode are too small. But resistance doesn’t always have to be on the front lines. You can be the neighbor somebody calls in an emergency. You can pay attention and let people who might do harm know you’re watching. It all adds up.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Ideas for how to present yourself as a safe person, from hanging rainbow flags or multilingual signs to simply talking about your values in casual conversation
• The truth about numbers: when people who help outnumber those who’d harm, it becomes harder for hateful actors to act
• Why not all resistance is viral and the real value in small, everyday connections and actions, particularly when crises hit
• How to help, from calling congressional representatives to watching for opportunities in which you can show up

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 120 where I dive into my political beliefs and Episode 126 about how friendship can be a vehicle for radical change.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I know – this sounds like the most privileged problem ever! But truly, it’s a common experience, and I think the reason some of us get burnt out is because we feel we need to show up for each person in the same way. 

My thoughts? Some friends are lifelines; others add color to your life. Both types matter. But you don’t have to show up the same way for everyone. 

Whether you’re feeling stretched thin by your growing network or just want to be more intentional about how you connect, this episode offers a practical approach to keeping all your many friendships meaningful AND sustainable. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why you don’t have to show up the same way for every friend, and how redefining your relationship roles can save you from burnout
• How your growing list of responsibilities and roles as an adult naturally leads to more connections — and why that’s a good thing
• Getting clear on your unique strengths in friendships so you can show up where it matters most (and release the guilt of not being everything to everyone)

Resources & Links

Listen to some of my episodes that challenge the “all-or-nothing” mindset about friendship, including Episode 13 and Episode 33. And be sure to listen to Episode 12 about the different kinds of friendship roots.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

If so, let me set the record straight: making changes in friendships, even if they’re for the better, is HARD. A lot of the time, it involves uncomfortable conversations, confrontation, and hard feelings. It’s so tempting to push problems aside to keep relations “peaceful.”

I think there’s an expectation to put in work for romantic and familial relationships, but how much work should we be doing for friendships? At what point is it not worth the effort? 

Here’s my hard truth: If you want friendships where you can grow, change, and share the real stuff, you’re probably going to have to rock the boat. It might be uncomfortable, but it won’t be uncomfortable forever. On the other side, I think you’ll find the work was worth it. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The assumption that friendships should always feel good and seamless, with zero challenges as we all move through life’s transitions
• Different types of work involved in maintaining friendships (and why avoidance is even work, from suppressing urges to withholding details about our lives)
• Why having those difficult conversations sometimes will not feel good but are important in addressing changes, building resilience, and maintaining connection
• How we feel having hard conversations with partners, family, long-term friendships and new friends; does the label of the relationship impact your investment of effort?

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson; Episode 149 about why we should want our friends to have robust social lives; Episode 153 about friendship break-ups with Meenadchi; and Episode 159 about speed dating for friends.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Instead of meeting them in the apartment next door or in the dining hall, you’re texting back and forth, trying to get together – but much of the time, it doesn’t pan out, or it’s just not the same. This story is a reality for so many people, including today’s guest.

Jason Edmonds is a Seattle resident who decided to make his own solution: Six Degrees, an event-based social experience that matches people through personality quizzes and groups them into activities, helping people in Seattle find their people. 

In this interview, we talk about vulnerability. We talk about Six Degrees. We talk about the stigma of getting help to find friends. Most of all, we talk about how common this whole experience is. Transitioning from college to adult friendships is hard, and many of us could use a little extra help.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The common experience of post-college friendship struggles: in college, socializing was so easy, but as adults it’s more complex
• Six Degrees, an event-based social experience designed to help people find new friends through intentional activities and personality quizzes
• The difference between college and adult friendships and the importance of vulnerability and intentionality in friendships
• Using social media and technology as a bridge when you meet someone at a meet-up like Six Degrees

Resources & Links

Follow Six Degrees on Instagram.

Listen to Episode 21, which is about that shift in friendship during our mid- to late-20s; Episode 41, about the Liking Gap; Episode 123, about maintaining friendships without proximity; and Episode 145, about reframing rejection. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past.

Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a period in my 20s when my partner Michael literally called me the Grinch. Holidays are often reserved for families – so where does that leave those of us who don’t have strong familial ties or want something different?

This episode is about how to create holiday traditions with your friends that feel GOOD, with practical advice on how  to initiate these conversations and get the ball moving, with the hope that you too will dream up and work toward your own ideal celebrations, too.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My personal relationship and evolution with the holiday season, from being the Grinch to crying in the car out of happiness for my holiday plans
• What I was looking for in my holidays, including togetherness, connection, and splitting the burden of the magic making
• The societal normals that often limit holiday options to family gatherings or solitude, and the third option I’m proposing: holidays with friends
• Initiating conversations with friends about getting together for the holidays – which often involves a little vulnerability 
• The importance of patience and openness in creating new holiday traditions with friends

Reflection Question:

What would your dream holiday look like? Formal, informal? Spent with family? Friends? Alone? What seeds could you plant now so that in the coming years you can make that dream a reality?

Notable Quotes:

“I have spent the past five years figuring this out. I was truly the Grinch. Michael actually used to call me the Grinch. I didn't even realize how much I despised the holidays in my low- to mid-20s, and Michael comes from a family that loves the holidays, so I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb because of my holiday feelings. I want to talk about this journey of going from someone who dreaded holidays to creating celebrations like this year that I am actually so excited about I am crying in my car in gratitude.” (3:14)

“If you are sitting here listening to this podcast, feeling like the holidays that are coming up aren't quite what you want them to be, I want you to know that you're not alone. I hope you already know that, but you are definitely not alone. And more importantly, I want you to know that it's okay to start dreaming up something different, and that once you have that dream, sometimes all it takes is a few brave conversations to start creating the holiday experience that you've already wanted.” (29:11)

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.

Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy.

My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?
• What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learned
• How to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questions
• Remembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactful

Reflection Question:

Are you a person who dreads gatherings? What is it about them that you fear? What tools from this episode will you take with you for your next gathering?

Notable Quotes:

“The best gatherings – I think, if we look back on them, there's something about that gathering that caused an internal state change, an emotional shift, or some sort of momentum in our lives. We're all out here spending so much time in our own heads – which is great, by the way. I'm not saying don't spend time in your thoughts meditating and being present with yourself. I'm just saying, for a lot of us, that's how we spend the majority of our time, and sometimes, it is nice to be with other people who might inspire you, or offer a fresh perspective or a boost of information or a new way to see the world – an opportunity to feel invigorated or nourished or supported.”

“We can't just keep walking into these gatherings pretending like we have no real power here. We do and we can create meaning for ourselves. So how do you do that? Well, I have a very simple strategy. All I do is ask myself three questions before I walk in the door. You could do this while you are driving there. You could sit in your car for a moment before you go inside. You could do this honestly, even between the time it takes you to park your car and walk in the door. It really is that easy.” 

Resources & Links

Read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. It’s amazing!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

If this is you, you’re not alone, and honestly, it probably wasn’t as bad as you think; we’re often harder on ourselves than other people are on us. When it comes to connections, there’s a name for this underestimation of how much others actually enjoy interacting with us.

The Liking Gap is a social phenomenon that I discuss in-depth in Episode 41, and today, I want to talk about it again – but this time, how to reduce that gap with five tips on feeling more confident and connected during everyday interactions, no fake positivity required.

Whether you’re navigating friendships at work, struggling with small talk, or seeking genuine connection, this episode is packed with relatable stories, actionable advice, and plenty of encouragement. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What the “liking gap” really is—a scientifically studied phenomenon where we underestimate how much others actually enjoy interacting with us
• Five actionable ways to feel more confident and connected in conversations, from being genuinely curious to using both verbal and nonverbal cues to show interest
• Insightful reframes for neurodivergent listeners, with practical pivots that turn common hurdles (like interrupting or not loving eye contact) into strengths
• Why searching for the good in others and starting with a baseline of respect can transform even casual acquaintanceships

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 15 about staying curious in your interactions, Episode 41 about the Liking Gap, Episode 74 about small intimacies, and Episode 40 and Episode 144 about neurodivergent friendships. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive?

I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today’s episode will reframe a few things for you, but the biggest one is about the difference between entertaining, which I’d say is your Martha Stewart dinner party, and hosting, which is casual and can be inexpensive (or even free).

Don’t let Martha Stewart scare you off from hosting a gathering. Bringing people together for a gathering is about connection, not perfection, and you don’t need a pristine home or unlimited budget to do it. All you need is yourself and a little creativity. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How my experience as a professional wedding planner has reframed how I see hosting vs. entertaining (and why I think the host is the initiator, not the venue owner)
• Hosting people outside your home via a community event or at a park, community space, library, museum, etc.
• Different kinds of informal parties I’ve hosted: Picnics in the park! Potluck freezer food parties! Cookie nights! DIY pizza nights! 
• Using energy to manage feelings of vulnerability and create a welcoming environment for guests instead of trying to manifest perfection

Resources & Links

Listen to the Six Rules of Hosting audio guide.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

But at a recent gathering we hosted, I realized there were actually MORE non-drinkers than drinkers present. Making non-alcoholic options (and non-alcoholic activities) a normal part of our get-togethers has certainly been an evolution, and I’m grateful for it.

There are lots of reasons people don’t drink. Maybe it’s due to health reasons or childhood trauma regarding alcohol; maybe they’re in recovery, they have responsibilities, or they just don’t feel like it. Today’s episode is about starting conversations about friends’ boundaries regarding alcohol so hangouts can fit those preferences.

If you want to drink less or if alcohol is a trigger for you, I hope you take this episode as encouragement to talk with friends about it. Personally, I’ve found gatherings that don’t revolve around alcohol to be not only more inclusive, but also more creative and fun.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why I’ve never been a big drinker, and how my health has led me to stop consuming alcohol entirely
• Conversations about understanding friends’ boundaries with alcohol and the importance in not making it a big deal
• Different non-alcoholic activities: workout classes! Walks! Going for drives! Running errands! Etc.
• Building shared experience roots through new activities, which also makes friendships more resilient and comfortable

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Let that sink in. Nearly EVERYONE listening has been through this heartbreak multiple times – and yet, we barely even talk about it as a society! 

This statistic comes from a survey conducted by today’s guest, Meenadchi, a somatic healing practitioner, communications expert, author of Decolonization Non-Violent Communication, and TEDx Talk presenter about her own friendship break-up.

This is a conversation about the losses we don't have scripts for and why that makes the healing so much harder. We share deeply about our own experiences, we talk about Meenadchi’s research, and we dive into the grief of friendship break-ups.

I hope this conversation gives you some of what I felt during this conversation – that you are not alone in this experience. The pain of friendship break-ups is real. Give yourself the space you need to grieve.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Meenadchi’s upbringing in a Sri Lankan immigrant community, where friendships are highly valued
• Her long-term friendship that ended at age 36 and her subsequent fascination with friendship breakups
• The vulnerability and intimacy shared in childhood friendships and the impact of losing such relationships
• The concept of a "line in the sand" for setting boundaries and moving forward in relationships; when do boundaries work, and when can friendships be repaired?
• The importance of community interconnectedness in healing from friendship breakups (plus, healing strategies, from letter-writing to the internet)

Resources & Links

Visit Meenadchi’s website, see her TEDx Talk, and follow her on Instagram.

In this episode I mentioned All About Love by Bell Hooks.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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It’s too late for me to make friends. I’m too old. I’ve messed up. I missed the boat.

I get why people feel this way. Societel messages lead us to believe there is a point in our lives when, if we don’t have the community connections we want, then we will never have them.

But if you’re on the shore, watching your boat cruise away, I want to share with you a little secret: there is always another boat. The key is to stop thinking of friendship and community as something “happening” to you and instead as something you are actively building.

One of the joys of being an adult is that you get to CHOOSE who you are surrounded by. How to start? Literally, from any place, under any circumstances.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The challenges of transitioning from surface-level friendships to deeper, more meaningful connections
• My tackling the limiting belief that there isn’t enough time to build friendships, even if you’re only living in a place temporarily
• Why it’s never too late to change patterns and grow new roots with new or old friendships
• When social anxiety, a major life shift, or feeling “out of practice” makes social situations feel awkward – and my advice for this

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots, Episode 69 about learned loneliness, and Episode 49 about navigating small talk.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Here’s the truth: couple friendships are complex! Why? Because you’re not just making friends couple-to-couple. You’re actually building FOUR SEPARATE FRIENDSHIPS at the same time. 

My husband and I have lots of couple friendships – probably more than 20 – and they range from old friends to new friends, close friends to casual friends. Some we might have over for dinner, some we travel and spend holidays with.

This episode covers the real dynamics of couple friendships: what makes them work, what complicates them, and how to strengthen them over time. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The different dynamics to manage in couple friendships, including individual friendships in the couple and the dynamics when all four are together
• Being aware and respectful of the different levels of closeness within the group; it might be a combination of present friends, historic friends, familiar friends, etc.
• How to find couple friends, from leaning into existing friendships to meeting new people in your community
• Navigating complications with couple friendships, from life changes (a move or the introduction of kids) to divorce

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 28 about adult slumber parties with Dr. Erika Michalski. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s guest is Jacob Marquez, also known as J. Henry, a Seattle-based tech entrepreneur and musical artist whose approach to relationships challenges a lot of conventional friendship wisdom.

Jacob is the founder of Seattle’s Best Brunch, bringing creatives together to collaborate and spotlight each other’s work, and he’s developing an app that helps people nurture their relationships. 

What drew me to Jacob wasn’t what he was building but how he approaches connection. He’ll call someone out of the blue after years of silence, and he thinks that friendships can be reciprocal – even if one person talks about themself the whole time. 

Our conversation touches on everything including low-maintenance friendships, systems for connection, and the impact of redefining intimacy, and I think it will have us all thinking twice about our assumptions regarding how friendship should work. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Jacob’s work in community connection, including Seattle’s Best Brunch and his app, Connect, which provides systems for staying connected
• The different systems each of us uses to track and maintain friendships; plus, why it’s important to be open to change and growth in our friendships as time goes on
• Different ways friendships can actually be reciprocal – even if you don’t think they are at first glance!
• The entrances into different communities you could be finding just by being open and communicative about what you’re looking for

Resources & Links

On Instagram check out Jacob’s personal Instagram and his account for Seattle’s Best Brunch.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

It might sound like counterintuitive friendship advice. But the truth is, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone. 

In this episode, I’m going to share some stories where I have either encouraged my friends to make other friends or actually cheered them on for hanging out without me. 

My friend who’s moved away and whose baby was in the NICU? I want her to have other mom friends! I want her to have friends who live CLOSE to her! Mostly, I want this for my friend’s well-being, but there are many benefits for me, too. 

When my friends have rich social lives, it also enriches my social capital and puts less pressure on me to be EVERYTHING for them – which honestly is a healthier situation for all of us.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The friendship trio dynamic: why I’m not offended when the others hang out without me and the importance of one-on-one time even in a group
• The value of friends having diverse social networks, including activity-specific friends, life stage friends, and work friends
• Social capital and why having friends with a robust web of connections makes me feel more supported and connected, too
• Benefits of encouraging friends to make other friends, including reducing pressure and providing more niche support

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 about my roots framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Well, that’s what today’s guest Amy Stafford did – and this moment led her to being part of the Lucky Trimmer, one of the most beloved dance festivals in Europe.

Amy isn’t even a dancer; she found her way into the community that builds this festival by offering what she was good at to something she was curious about. The festival has since grown into an international phenomenon and has guided Amy into her current design career as the founder of the Blixa 6 Studios.

In this episode, Amy and I talk about how small moments can lead to the most extraordinary ripple effects. Whether you're feeling stuck in your current social circles or wondering how to connect in a new city, Amy's story is going to show how the connections you're seeking might be closer than you think. You just have to say hello.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Amy’s initial encounter with a t-shirt in Berlin, which led to a friendship and eventually to her involvement with the Lucky Trimmer dance festival
• The importance of volunteering and contributing to a community to build social capital and create meaningful connections
• The power of small actions and moments of courage in creating significant changes and opportunities
• Saying yes to new experiences (!) and how it can lead to unexpected and fulfilling connections

Resources & Links

Check out Amy’s free coloring booklet and learn more about Lucky Trimmer.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

But that feeling isn’t always instant; sometimes, if you’re new, you might wonder, at what point do I actually fit in? That’s what we’re talking about in today’s episode: what belonging to a group actually feels like vs. what we think it should feel like. 

I want to reframe how we think about belonging. A lot of us might think it’s all-or-nothing, but I think there’s a spectrum to it. In some groups, feelings of belonging might be stronger than in others, and that’s okay.

How can we cultivate our connections in these groups to increase feelings of belonging? I offer some of my thoughts, but I also want to say, it’s okay to not feel close with everyone in a group. What matters is to lean into what feels right to you.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The four signs of belonging and why we need to look at belonging as a spectrum and not a black-and-white concept
• The impact of belonging on mental and physical health and how to use small intimacies as a way to build connections in a group
• Why sometimes senses of belonging fluctuate over time; plus, giving and receiving genuine interest
• The value in focusing on individual relationships within a group rather than the group as a whole

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection; Episode 74 about small intimacies; Episode 37 about nurturing feelings of belonging; and Episode 14 about friend groups.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

You know what I’m talking about: those posts about how, if you want a village, you have to be a villager. You have to give the rides, buy the gifts, and drop off the meals. But I think these messages focusing on inconvenience are missing the point.

Yesterday, I was at a baby shower for a friend who has wanted to be a mom for so long that I could cry thinking about how excited I am for her. Sure, buying presents and wrapping gifts are not my favorite ways to support people. At the same time, I was so unbelievably happy to be part of this celebration for her. 

Isn’t helping your friends also, in some way, beneficial for YOU too? The inconvenient tasks on the surface level can be a burden, but I think the long-term payoffs are so worth it. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why I think these messages about the inconvenience of community is out there: we live in an individualistic society that focuses on self-improvement and achievement
• Finding ways to support your friends that are enjoyable but not burdensome; for me, this is cooking
• Why performing tasks to help our friends can be both burdensome AND joyful at the same time, and why I hate the idea of reciprocity

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 74 about small intimacies.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Tanesha Moody was, at one point, drowning in rejection from every direction, from job applications to dating apps to her own friendships. Instead of retreating, she got curious and discovered the transformative power of separating rejection from yourself. 

Today, Tanesha is a speaker, writer, and founder of Full Out Coaching, and she’s got amazing insight about how this simple reframe can impact how you show up and live your life. 

Honestly, this conversation came at exactly the right moment for me. Sure, sometimes friends do reject core parts of who we are, but more often, they just reject a dinner invitation or don’t respond how we hoped they would in a text message. In some cases, rejection can bring people together and should be celebrated; after all, rejection is evidence that we tried.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Tanesha’s experience facing rejection from multiple aspects of her life, including job applications, dating apps, and friendships
• Reframing rejections as a step not a stop; a rejection is not necessarily to you but to the offer you made
• How Tanesha seeks rejection daily, plus, the benefits of rejection, including building resilience and fostering growth
• Using rejection parties as a way to celebrate and learn from rejection and build community 

Resources & Links

Learn more about Tanesha’s business, Full Out Coaching.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s guest, Lee Hopkins, is a social connections and business culture coach and CEO of Patterns of Possibility – but his journey to this work started with his own decades-long struggle. 

In this episode, Lee shares about navigating friendship after recently learning that he has autism, and how this revelation has impacted his relationships with friends, family, and ultimately, his way of life. 

Lee says what’s made all the difference for him in this journey of self-discovery has been boundaries, conscious conversations, and knowing himself. Once he stopped trying to fit into relationships that required him to mask who he was, it opened him up to the kinds of connection that actually nourished him. 

If you're feeling stuck in surface level relationships or tired of feeling like you're always performing to be accepted, then maybe it's time to get curious about what authentic connection looks like for you. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Lee’s life-long struggle with making friends and how he discovered he had autism later in life through TikTok
• Common misconceptions about autism and how this diagnosis impacted how he communicated with the people around him
• The importance in understanding the communication gap between neurodivergent and neurotypical people
• Mentors, intentional conversations, and why we all need to stop comparing our relationships with other people’s

Resources & Links

Listen to other episodes about being a neurodivergent person looking for connection: Episode 40 and Episode 54. 

Follow Coach Lee on Instagram, on his website, listen to his podcast, and see his free resource.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s episode is about feeling ignored in conversations with friends. In these situations, it’s easy to play the blame game, but the truth is, we are all responsible for our half of the connection.

What do you say when a friend asks how you’re doing? Do you say “good” or “fine?” Or do you give an honest answer? How hard do we expect friends to work to extract information from us? 

Here’s my challenge to you: in your next hangout, don’t deflect a question. Throw something out there you’ve never shared before. These details enrich relationships. Remember, your friends want to know you. Trust this, and take up a little space.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why sharing the silly details matter: they help open up conversations and allow your friends to know you better
• The importance of BOTH parties in the relationship contributing to a conversation; don’t deflect questions or give generic answers!
• Common concerns about not wanting to dominate the conversation (or share TOO much information)
• How I navigate not feeling left out when I’m in a conversation with people who share common interests with each other (but not with me)

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret. 

But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?

I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode, I’ll describe this concept that I’ve mentioned many times but never dug into: small intimacies. 

My hope with this episode is to offer ways to shift the friendship culture and pay more attention to those small bids of connection, because as I’ve said before, friendship doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Sometimes those small intimacies are more than enough.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
• Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
• Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
• The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
• The Roots of Connection framework which I talk about more in Episode 12

Reflection Question:

Spend some time thinking about some of the ways you could let people into your life through small intimacies. What are some things you could offer? How can you offer this up more regularly?

Notable Quotes:

“We get this hyper-focus on the big things. And yes, those are great. It feels great to be let in on your friends’ big moments. We talk so much about wanting that. But while we're sitting here waiting for that and focused on that, and focused on what isn't there in our friendships, we are often missing what is there or holding back what could be there.”

“So often on this podcast we talk about what is enough in our friendships. We talk about not forcing everything to be all or nothing: letting things live in the gray, letting things live on a spectrum, letting things build up to have a cumulative impact. And at the end of the day, I really think that is the whole point of the concept of small intimacies.”

Resources & Links

Learn more about my roots framework! And be sure to listen to Episode 12 if you haven’t already.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

People often think they need to make enormous shifts to find community; they need to move to a tiny village on the other side of the world or into a compound in the woods. But that’s not true. Here’s what you actually need: subtle shifts and a willingness to be uncomfortable. 

So many people talk about how they want a village, and yet, I see them rejecting the small changes they need to make to let their villages in. They won’t accept help – a ride to the airport, a babysitter, a pre-cooked meal – because they don’t want to put a person out or let go of control.

I can offer to pick up your groceries or watch your children over and over again. I am choosing that; I want to be in community with you. But at the end of the day, you have to want that, too. We need to co-create this relationship and support system together. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Community, which is cited as the answer for societal issues like childcare/elder care shortages, mental health issues, etc. – but rarely is there advice on how to find it
• The idea of “hiring” a village – a message families often hear – for grocery pick-ups, babysitting, Uber rides, etc.
• Rejecting help when you need it because you feel like you can’t accept unpaid help or are unwilling to let go of control
• The level of internal required to step off the hamster wheel and be willing to feel discomfort in either asking for help or offering it

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 8 with my friend Adrienne about building a friendship community for her family.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram!), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the categories, and at the end of the episode, I talk about how to do a basic Wheel of Connection audit. 

You deserve Level 10 support, and hopefully this helps you to take more intentional action to develop the connections you need for this season of life. 

Want to go even deeper? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Life updates regarding my health, two Taylor Swift concerts, and the major milestone of this episode
• The Wheel of Connection: why I made it, why it’s round, why it looks different for everyone
• How your own Wheel of Connection is constantly changing: people move between categories, and different categories grow and shrink depending on your needs
• Wheel of Connection components: family of origin; family of choice; formal community; acquaintance; and familiar/defined/present/historic friend
• How the Wheel of Connection and Roots Framework work together, and how to conduct a Wheel of Connection audit

Resources & Links:

Here are some visuals of the Wheel of Connection and my Roots framework. Want more? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

• SHARED EXPERIENCE ROOTS and their offshoot roots – i.e., when you’re doing something related to the shared experience root, but in a way you’re comfortable
• EMOTIONAL INTIMACY ROOTS – what we know about our friends and our shared memories – plus shared/overlapping history roots and big/small intimacies
• STORY ROOTS – the beliefs you have about your friendships, and how we come to develop those beliefs
• How letting roots (i.e., friendships) die is not a bad thing – we can’t be in high school geometry class forever – but it doesn’t mean it’s not a sad thing
• How to keep these friendships thriving as we grow and change, and how to replace dead story routes with simpler, more straightforward story roots
• One of the biggest problems when it comes to adult friendships – plus, the REAL foundations of these friendships

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This month, I’m replaying four episodes that I consider FOUNDATIONAL to understanding all other Friendship IRL episodes. These are the episodes that break down the frameworks and mindset shifts you need to build the connections you want. 

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

Today’s foundational episode tackles this ONE question: What is a friend, really?

A lot of people are walking through life focusing on what isn’t there when it comes to friendship. There’s somehow an arbitrary marker of “we are friends!” that most people can’t even articulate. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be so black and white.

If you’ve ever thought, “I wish I was closer to that person” or “Our friendship used to feel different!”, prepare to see things differently once you learn about the 4 types of friends we all have in our lives, and how we can come to appreciate all of these friends in their own unique ways.

This framework takes the pressure off trying to make every friendship “best friend” level and helps you understand what you actually need from your social connections.

WARNING: You’ll see all of your friendships differently after this one.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why we’re holding ourselves back from experiencing true friendships
• The difference between “Familiar Friends”, “Defined Friends”, “Present Friends”, and “Historic Friends”
• The beauty of taking small actions over time with our friends (it all adds up!)
• What emotional intimacy roots are and why they are key to sustaining close and supportive friendships
• Moving through the peaks and changes of friendships in our life, especially when one moves away or gets a new job
• Holding on to our friendships more loosely, vs. gripping on so tight

Reflection Question:

In which “bucket” do you have the most friends? Is there a small action you can take today to make a friend feel appreciated?

Notable Quotes from Alex

“I have this belief that if we untangle the ways we are connected, we will realize we are more connected than we initially thought. And that might help us to appreciate the spectrum of friendships versus waiting for some arbitrary threshold to see someone as valuable in our life.”

“Small actions add up. Sometimes I think we forget that our closest friends were at one point just people. They walked down the hall. They were another person wearing a similar sweater and we said, “Hi”, we sat next to them in class and started chatting. We learned we were both going to be on the soccer team. And back then, we saw that simple building as valuable, like there was potential. So tap back into that. Let the small things be worthwhile.”

Resources & Links

Learn more about emotional intimacy roots on my blog.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram! 

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

So many of us strive for a few “quality” all-encompassing friendships, thinking that’s better than having lots of less intimate friends. But is that way of thinking actually limiting us?

There will be times in your life – maybe as a new parent, or after a loss – when you’ll gravitate toward the friends who can relate to your situation, even if they’re not those “quality” all-encompassing friends. Sometimes quality is specificity, not comprehensiveness. 

Similarly, I want to reframe the idea of “quality time.” Is quality time having those uninterrupted windows with friends? Or is it actually doing the everyday things together?

My hope is to help reduce some of your friendship anxiety: to give you permission to stop “performing” friendship and just BE IN friendship.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why some friendships feel effortless (and why I’ll argue they actually haven’t really felt effortless forever – you’ve already built muscles navigating awkward situations!)
• “Quality” pockets of uninterrupted time vs. folding your friend time into your everyday life activities (plus, all the things you learn about your friends while doing the latter)
• When quality can be specificity and not necessarily comprehensiveness: a friend who can offer specific support in a specific moment

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today, we're talking about friendship pauses. Let me be clear: this isn't ghosting, breaking up, the silent treatment, or a passive-aggressive power move. A friendship pause is an intentional choice to create space to reflect, make changes, and do some individual growth.

Here’s the caveat: the eventual goal is to actually do the work to REPAIR the friendship.

Michael and I use this phrase in our marriage that I think applies to friendships, too. Every time you work through a lower low, you reach a higher high. Instead of thinking of a friendship pause as sad, think of it as a possibility for this whole new version of a friendship that you’re going to feel more aligned with.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Reasons a friendship pause might be necessary, including communication issues, energy or emotional issues, and changes in life circumstances
• Questions to ask yourself before you take a friendship pause, like, what’s the reason for the pause? Are you willing to do the work to repair this friendship?
• Why working through a low point in a friendship can lead to stronger beliefs and a more resilient connection

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This was Charlotte Massey when she moved to Seattle in the midst of the pandemic, when making friends was borderline impossible. Instead of accepting isolation, she got strategic about it. We’re taking friend-dating spreadsheets and sales funnel approaches.

Charlotte is the executive director for the Seattle chapter of the U.S. Chamber of Connection, a new civic organization tackling the loneliness epidemic, and founder of the Seattle Picnic Society. In this episode, she offers so much inspiration and great advice for those not feeling connected where they’re at.

Whether you're new to your city or you've been there for years, the principles are the same. Get specific about your invites. Show up consistently. Don't be afraid to follow up multiple times. Most importantly, if the community you want doesn't exist, create it.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Charlotte’s move in 2021 and the challenges she faced, from the pandemic to the “Seattle freeze”
• How Charlotte used a sales funnel approach, “friend dating,” and intentional invites to connect new people
• The Seattle Picnic Society – picnics that grew from five to one hundred attendees, and how you could create something similar in your community
• Being bold and persistent in reaching out to potential friends and looking at how you can improve on the Six Points of Connection 

Resources & Links

Learn more about the Seattle Picnic Society and the Six Points of Connection on the U.S. Chamber of Connection website.

Become a Member of the Chamber of Connection and take their 7-week intro course, Designing a Connected Life. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

There are lots of reasons people find themselves in this position. Maybe a big life change has altered friend dynamics; maybe you’re just in a totally new friendship group. But maybe you’re also exhibiting behaviors that are keeping you on the fringe. 

If you want deeper friendships and to be part of more intimate gatherings, you can change this, and in this episode I offer tips  on how to do this, from initiating invitations to focusing on the individual connections in your group.

But I also talk about the benefits of those “second tier” friendships. Don’t forget, they can still be beautiful connections in your life, even if they don’t become part of your inner circle.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My friend who complained to me about always being the “extra invite” – and how she changed this to create a more fulfilling network
• The value in the Wheel of Connection in understanding the different kinds of friends, from familiar to defined connections
• Why fringe friendships can be beautiful and meaningful, even if they are not all-encompassing
• The benefits of strengthening relationships with each friend in a group, which consequently strengthens your connection with the group as a whole

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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Today’s guest, Leila Six, is a singer-songwriter who is asking the hard questions about friendship in her music, using art to contribute to a culture that values all kinds of love, not just the romantic kind.

In this episode, we dive deep on why friendship deserves its own soundtrack, how art can help us process complex emotions, and what it looks like to be a social artist in a world that doesn't always value the art of connection.

Leila just released a new version of her song, “Glad,” which is her love letter to platonic love, and in order to spread the word, she’s hosting a contest! The prize? A copy of Shasta Nelson’s book, Frientimacy. The contest ends on the International Day of Friendship, July 30.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Challenges of voicing needs in friendships and the societal messages that friendship should be easy and effortless
• Learning to handle conflicts in friendships, similar to how we handle conflicts in romantic relationships
• The importance of having diverse relationships and maintaining proximity with friends, even if they are far away
• The lack of representation of real friendship experiences in media and art, often portraying friendship as overly romanticized or immature

Resources & Links

Follow Leila Six on YouTube, listen to her music (including “Glad!”), and enter her contest!

Listen to Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic; Episode 120 about how friendship is a political act; and Episodes 5 and Episode 7 with Alex Friedman.

Follow Shasta Nelson on YouTube and Instagram, and read All About Love by Bell Hooks and How We Show Up by Mia Birdsong. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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This isn’t a unique experience; it often happens to people in their late 20s and early 30s, when life paths start to diverge. Friends get married and have kids. They travel the world and pursue their careers. The friendships start to feel different.

I call this phenomenon the great friendship shift, which I talk about today with Ericka Parker, founder and CEO of SILKENN (who is also host of the Boss Babe Reset podcast, which I was recently a guest on!). What do you do when your priorities have shifted so dramatically that your old ways of connecting don't work anymore?

When you look around and realize that your friendships feel different, it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re growing. The key is to be intentional about the connections you want to nurture, and to create new patterns that actually work for this version of your life. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The emotional experience of dealing with changing friendships, and how Ericka’s busy life has affected hers
• What Ericka set up for her “pineapple friends” that has been a game-changer for staying in touch despite moves and life changes
• Proximity friendships vs. intentional friendships, and the benefits of having different friends for different areas of life
• Being flexible and adaptable in friendships, and also, being respectful of each others’ seasons of life – plus, the amazing benefits of bragging about a friend

Resources & Links

Listen to the episode of Boss Babe Reset that I was a guest on! And see Blake Blankenbecler, a friendship therapist mentioned in this episode, and follow her on Instagram.

Listen to Episode 12 about the types of friendship roots, and listen to Episode 2, Episode 50, and Episode 63 about the value of having different friends in different areas of life. Plus, see Episode 20 and Episode 21 about navigating friendship shifts.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

But after recent episodes about virtual communities, parasocial relationships, and online friendship, it hit me that I’m not actually bad at ALL digital connection; I’m just drawn to certain types.

In today’s episode, I delve into the spectrum of digital connection, which I’ve segmented into four levels: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections. I cover the purpose and challenges of each and why they matter.

I hope this episode helps you find your “sweet spot” and figure out where you’d like to focus your digital attention, because here’s the thing about digital communication: it’s not just some optional add-on to friendship anymore. 

Whether our friends live across the world or ten minutes away, bumping into each other online is one of the primary ways we connect these days, so strengthening this skill will only help your friendships. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My four levels of digital connection: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections, and examples for each
• Understanding our own strengths and weaknesses in digital connection and the practice it takes to become skilled in each format
• The value and challenges for each form of communication; for example, surface-level signals and active updates are easy to implement but can sometimes feel one-sided
• Common struggles in digital connection, including mismatched expectations, overwhelm, and guilt about missing updates, and how to manage these struggles

Resources & Links

Listen to my recent episodes on digital connection, including Episode 129 and Episode 130, about making friends online, and Episode 128 about parasocial relationships.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s guests are Claudia and Marcela, the mother-daughter duo behind the Minded Society, which offers a supportive virtual environment for women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, with monthly events, book clubs, and personalized connections, helping members find authentic friendships across distances. 

We dive into everything, from maintaining friendships across time zones to being intentional about using the digital world to form deep connections. If this sounds like something you’d enjoy, Minded Society is offering our listeners 50 percent off your first month, plus a free 14-day trial; use the code Friendship IRL on their website.

Technology isn't a barrier to deep friendship; if you use it right, it can be a bridge that leads you to the kind of people who make you feel less alone in the world.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The inception of Minded Society during the COVID-19 pandemic, driven by shared feelings of loneliness
• What Minded Society is: a community that helps women form authentic friendships despite living in different parts of the world
• The importance of effort in maintaining online friendships, regardless of proximity or technology, and how to channel that effort (voice notes, phone calls, FaceTime, etc.)
• Generational differences in communication preferences and balancing effort and respect for others' boundaries

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 127 about calling your friends and Episode 24 about using the Marco Polo app. In this episode I also mention my Roots framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I’m not talking about parasocial relationships, which are one-sided relationships; I’m talking about people you’ve had conversations with, people who know things about you. My personal opinion is that they most certainly are.

In this episode, I talk in-depth about the difference between my friends I met in person and the friends I met online. I combat some of the pushback people have against people you meet online and highlight some of the benefits of online friendship, from global perspectives to professional support.

At the end of the day, true connection isn't about where it started or how it's maintained. It's about how we are showing up for each other and supporting each other, whether that’s across the dinner table or across the world.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How many of my current friendships started online, including podcast guests like Alex Friedman and Wesley Stroupe
• Where online friendships can form (business groups, social media, virtual reality forums, etc.) and how to maintain them (Zoom, Facetime, Marco Polo, social media)
• Finding niche friends online – for example, many of my professional friendships were formed in the digital space – and gaining global perspectives from them
• Common concerns about online friendships: Will they fizzle out? Are they surface-level? Who actually IS this person from the internet?

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 25 with Patrice Poltzer, Episode 48 with Michelle Reichman, Episode 72 with Wesley Stroop, Episode 44 with Deasha Waddup, and Episodes 5 and 7 with Alex Friedman.

Also be sure to listen to Episode 128 about parasocial relationships!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today, parasocial relationships have expanded to include celebrities, influencers, athletes – even podcast hosts! Social media in particular has taken parasocial relationships to a new level; it blows my mind how much I know about some people I’ve never met. 

In this episode, I talk all about the parasocial phenomenon: the positive and negative attributes to parasocial relationships, why we reach for them, and how they’re impacting our real (two-sided) connections.

Parasocial relationships aren't inherently good or bad. They're just part of modern reality. They’re not going anywhere. So instead of judging them, maybe it’s time we get intentional about them. How can we use parasocial connections as a bridge to community rather than replacement for it?

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Stats to consider: 51 percent of Americans have parasocial relationships but only 16 percent actually acknowledge they’re in one
• How social media changed parasocial relationships, giving us more behind-the-scene access and real-time updates about the people we follow
• The emotional energy we invest in parasocial relationships and how they can impact real-life friendships, causing relationship distortion
• How parasocial relationships can fill emotional needs, reduce stigma, provide behavioral modeling, and form communities in marginalized groups

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 104 with Sharon Walters about how to get less passive and more active on podcasts and social media; Episode 91, about how to stop dreading parties and take charge of your guest experience; Episode 38 and Episode 39, about third places; and Episode 127, which is about calling your friends.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

We carry these super computers in our pockets, but sometimes, using them to stay in touch feels more complicated than ever. There are some people we can ring spontaneously. Others require multiple rounds of scheduling.

This episode is about the gap between wanting to stay connected and actually doing it. Today’s guest Mark Houghton, doesn’t just relate to this problem; he decided to solve it by creating the SoonCall app, which tracks connections and reminds you when it’s time to reach out. 

Here, Mark and I dive into the complexities of staying in touch. What I love most about our conversation? Mark has normalized something we’ve all been feeling guilty about: the mental load of maintaining modern friendships, and how some of us need a little extra help.

Intrigued by SoonCall? Mark has created a special offer for Friendship IRL listeners with six months of free access to SoonCall pro. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How the SoonCall app was created out of Mark’s own personal need to manage long-distance friendships
• Features of SoonCall, from tracking calls to reminding us of birthdays and important dates
• Having open conversations with our friends about how they feel about different kinds of connection, including spontaneous calls
• Using SoonCall and other tools as ways to support (not replace!) personal interactions
• The exclusive SoonCall offer for Friendship IRL listeners: six months of free access to SoonCall Pro

Resources & Links

More on friendship goals: listen to Episode 23, where I talked about my personal friendship goals, or Episode 60, where I dive into why friendship goals matter and how to make them.

Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This is according to today’s guest, Priya Vulchi, author of the newly-released (and AMAZING!) Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World, which offers a resounding cry that friendship is vital, not just for individual well-being, but for humanity itself.

Priya is the co-founder of the nonprofit, Choose; was the youngest TED resident ever; has been published in places like The New York Times and Time Magazine; and is pursuing her Ph.D. in African and African American Studies at Harvard as a presidential scholar.

In other words, she knows what she’s talking about. But here’s why I’m excited about this conversation: we talk about how real authentic friendship is actually RADICAL and can change the world, challenging the status quo and causing people to care about issues simply because they impact the people they love.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Aristotle's three types of friendship – utility, pleasure, and virtue – and how these definitions still apply today
• How friendship challenges capitalistic models of overconsumption and self-reliance by relying on friends for favors instead of Uber or Amazon 
• How friendship can be political, requiring people to challenge their self-interests and deepen relationships
• The concept of heteros, or political friendship, and how it is as important as philia, or friendship of virtue; plus, the importance of joy in friendships

Resources & Links

Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

That’s what our guest, Dr. Adam Dorsay, is tasked with in this episode. 

Dr. Dorsay is a licensed psychologist, executive coach to high-achieving adults in Silicon Valley, host of the award-winning podcast, Super Psyched, and presenter of two amazing TEDx Talks. Today he discusses his new book, Super Psyched: Unleash The Power of the Four Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love (which I highly recommend).

This interview was so inspiring to me; I think the two of us could have talked for days. One of my biggest personal takeaways is to pay attention to not just my connection with others, but also my connection to the world and to something greater.

Listen in as we discuss the four types of connection and how to find the right combination for ourselves. Spoiler alert – it’s not a one-size-fits-all.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What connection is – Dr. Dorsay defines it as an emotional internal response – and the four different types
• Anecdotes and practical tips to enhance connection, such as using a "driveway test" to evaluate interactions and employing a "walk-on song" to boost confidence
• The importance of self-connection – including self-awareness and self-love – which is the foundation of all other connections
• Societal pressure to appear cool and how it can hinder genuine connection (and why we should allow ourselves to experience awe and excitement instead)
• Alexithymia, the spotlight effect, plus, how we psyche ourselves up for small talk

Resources & Links

Read Super Psyched by Adam Dorsay, listen to his TEDx Talks, and listen to his podcast, Super Psyched.

Check out Dr. Adam Dorsey's book "Super Psyched" and his TEDx talks for further insights on connection.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Now tell me this: when was the last time you wanted to lean into an interest, and you automatically asked this particular person to join … even though it wasn’t their thing? 

I call this the “easy ask,” and I think it’s a universal experience. I came up with the term years ago when I asked my partner Michael to go shopping with me, even though he doesn’t enjoy shopping. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t want to go.) 

There are times when the easy ask is okay, and there are times when you should work a little harder to find a more suitable person to join – or just go about it alone. 

I hope this episode gets you thinking: Where in your life are you making the easy ask? And what is the impact of this in your experiences and your relationships?

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How the "easy ask" often stems from convenience and familiarity, rather than a genuine desire for the experience
• Times when the easy ask makes sense, like when you need help with certain tasks or when that person has expressed interest
• Hidden costs of the easy ask, from strained relationships to missing out on opportunities to connect with friends who’d actually enjoy this activity
• Why it benefits to choose the less convenient but more meaningful connection over the easy option

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

As we neared the end of our working relationship, I realized I didn’t want this connection to end – but there was no logical way for us to get together. We weren’t in the same industry. I didn’t know if we had overlapping hobbies.

The whole situation got me thinking about this weird gray zone we sometimes find ourselves in when we can’t rely on proximity to make friends. It can be awkward … almost like dating! But unlike dating, friendship expectations can be unclear. Will this be a close friend? Or an acquaintance? What do you actually want to come out of this connection?

There will probably always be uncomfortable moments in new friendships. But I believe that if we talk about it, then hopefully we can accept that this is a normal part of the process and keep pushing forward.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The gray zone of making new friends and the importance of proximity and consistency
• Vulnerabilities in starting new friendships, including admitting we want to hang out with this person again
• The tendency to overthink messages and interactions, and how sometimes making new friends is like starting a new exercise routine
• Pushing through the discomfort of “friend dating” and navigating things like health restrictions in social settings

Resources & Links:

Check out the roots framework as featured in Episode 12.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today I’m sitting with Bryan Driscoll, author of The Goodness Game, who took an act of kindness he received 20 years ago in Orlando and, with the help of a Craigslist ad, paid it forward in a way that made national headlines and enormous ripple effects.

What I love most about this conversation? He shows it’s not about trying to change the world overnight. It's about the small choices we make every day, and the consequent ripples that touch not just the people we help, but also their friends, and their friends of friends.

If you've ever wondered if those small acts of kindness really matter, or if you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed by all the negativity in the world, this episode is for you. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Bryan’s journey on a Greyhound bus to Florida and the kindness of several strangers who helped him find a place to stay (and one woman who let him stay in her house!)
• Social trust: what it is (essentially, our faith in strangers), its historical significance, and its decline in modern society
• The importance of curiosity and discomfort in driving positive change and the potential for small acts to create significant ripples
• How to use concepts from The Goodness Game, including “giving without remembering,” honing in on your helper style, and making acts of kindness enjoyable

Resources & Links:

Buy The Goodness Game by Bryan Driscoll and visit goodnessgame.com. 

And here’s some more information about the study on social trust that was mentioned in this episode.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

To some of you, this will sound terrifying at first, but stick with me, because it’s actually pretty brilliant! Today’s guest is Georgia Huntley, founder of Friends of Friends, who  is doing something really special in the friendship space.

Georgia hosts speed friending events that are designed to make meeting new people feel fun and effortless. In today's episode, we’ll cover what actually happens at these events and what to do if you're sitting there thinking this sounds terrifying. 

Her advice if you ever attend an event like this? Take some pressure off and practice the art of being both interested and interesting. Have a little fun, learn something new, and approach your experience with curiosity. (Which is also great advice for making friends in general!)

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The origin of Friends of Friends, which started as an online community and evolved into in-person events (its third iteration had 85 people!)
• The bar that asked Georgia to host a speed-friending event because staff noticed people weren’t socializing inside like they used to
• Third places, how they’re disappearing, and what impact this has on making friendships as an adult
• The setup of a typical speed friending event, why they have been so effective, and how you might mimic something similar where you are
• Advice on how to attend an event like this, from being curious to taking pressure off

Resources & Links

Follow Georgia on Instagram!. 

Listen to Episodes 38 and 39, which go deep into third places.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

On social media, I reposted it all, making it clear where I stood – only to realize this wasn’t my highest use. I wasn’t actually reading the books or taking the actions. I wondered: what could I do instead? That’s how I ended up here. 

Real community requires something most Americans are terrified of, which is compromise. It requires letting go of the “all-or-nothing” mindset and finding common ground. It means being willing to give up some of our freedoms for real security and support. 

Today I share some of my political beliefs and what I’ve been doing instead of being an “online warrior.” I’m not saying this is how you should show up. It’s just how I do. At the core of it all, my fundamental belief is this: as humans, we need to care more about each other. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My own political beliefs regarding religion, gun reform, human rights, climate change, marriage equality, church-state separation, human services programs, etc.
• Pitfalls of simply reposting political content without taking action and the importance of having meaningful conversations
• The danger of polarization and the “all-or-nothing” mindset and the importance of finding common ground to foster understanding and connection
• The power of small shifts, plus three things I’m doing in my everyday life instead of being the online warrior

Resources & Links

Read the book I quote in this episode, Democracy in Retrograde by Sami Sage and Emily Amick.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

So often, people focus on what’s missing in their friendships. They have this idea of what “peak” friendship might look like, which gets in the way of being grateful for what is there. 

I’m here to remind you that there is a stark contrast between HAVING connections and ENJOYING them. And this isn’t just regarding our closest friends: how grateful are you for the acquaintance at the coffee shop? For your child’s teacher, your hair stylist, or the people you work with?

Today I talk about what might be getting in the way of your enjoyment, and I offer tips on how to be more present and happy while with friends.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Mental chatter and the fear of being “too much” or “not worthy,” and how this limits enjoyment in our friendships
• Friendship baggage, anxiety about the future, and working on receiving connection, even just small gestures from community members
• The present distractions that get in the way of enjoying friendships (mostly, it’s the phones)
• The idea of “storing up connection for later” and multitasking during friend time – and why this doesn’t always work

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

If you could tell your younger self one thing about friendship, what would you tell her?

I spend so much time thinking about community and connection – probably much more than the average person – and I have learned a lot since my youth. Some realizations I’m having at 35 are realizations a lot of people might not have until they’re middle aged.

No matter your age, there are likely things you wish you could go back and tell younger you. We are always growing and changing as friends. We are always learning.

In today's episode, I’ll cover what I've learned about choosing friends, being a friend, and friendship transitions – plus some final advice I would give younger me.

Now that I’ve shared my thoughts, tell me: what would you tell your younger self? Send me a message on Instagram!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What I did a good job with in my younger friendships, including building community, choosing friends well, and not letting status quo drive friendships
• The constant need I had to be worthy of friendships and how this affected my behavior and relationships
• The inevitable heartbreak in friendships (especially one-sided friendships) and the importance of feeling that heartbreak and moving past it
• The value of working on communication skills to improve friendships and learning from every interaction
• How what a “good friend” is changes through every life transition, from middle school to college and beyond

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Suddenly, you start thinking: what would it be like if you still talked? Maybe it’s just a fleeting thought, but maybe this thought really stings. As much as we like to think of certain friendships being “done,” it’s never really the case.

Today’s episode is about the friendship that got away. What causes us to become less close? Why do some friendships stay with us? How do you know if you should keep trying? When should you let it go?

There are so many lessons you learn from a friendship, so even if it ended, it’s not a failure. It helped you grow into the person you are, and it is going to be worthwhile in the community you are creating and investing in.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The friendship fade, and why this happens (see my Roots framework): life changes, and responsibilities lead to a drift
• When paths diverge, it requires work to build new friendship roots; for example, when my friends started having kids, we needed to find new ways to spend time together
• How hard it can be to separate the past from the present and the nostalgia associated with past friendhips
• What you should ask yourself if you’re looking to reconnect with an old friend, and the importance of letting yourself grieve if you decide to let it go

Resources & Links

See my Roots framework, and listen to last week’s Episode 114, about the friendship guilt spiral, Episode 115, about pet peeves, and Episode 25 about friendship break-ups.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode, I talk about common pet peeves; my friends’ pet peeves; and my own pet peeves. Do you ignore them? Deal with them? (Also, how DO you deal with them?)

Some people say to write off friends whose tendencies are driving you crazy. My thought: it’s a lot of work to make new friends! What if we instead navigated that conflict and created a feedback culture in our friendships?

These confrontations don’t have to be big blow-outs. In fact, I hope they’re not; I hope you get to them before they reach that point. 

Like with most things, there is no overarching solution. It’s acceptable to be annoyed with your friends, and it’s also acceptable to give feedback and work through it, because that’s how friendships grow.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The idea for this episode (and where ideas for this show come from); I promise, I am not actively angry with any of my friends right now!
• Common pet peeves, from phone-interrupted conversations and last-minute cancels to the friend who always tries to fix it
• How I’ve addressed my own pet peeves and discovered my friends’ pet peeves by paying attention to subtle feedback
• Addressing pet peeves BEFORE they become major issues and how to give feedback in a thoughtful and non-accusatory manner
• Getting to the root cause of the frustration and giving friends time to reflect on the feedback – and know that initial reactions might be defensive

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

It’s not something I’m proud of. All I needed to do was respond to this friend, but the more time that passed, the more it felt like a bigger response was needed.

For ten days, I woke up, knowing I needed to respond to this text message, feeling worse and worse. Then, yesterday, I told myself, if there is one thing I do today, it is respond to this text message, because I can’t carry this guilt on my shoulders anymore.

Today’s episode is about the phenomenon of the friendship guilt spiral. It happens when we don’t act in the way we think we should act, and it turns into an enormous weight we carry. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do have some tips for dealing with it.

Most important is to remember that we are all human, and friendship guilt spirals happen! Give yourself some grace. Your friend will probably understand.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The friendship guilt spiral: when we don’t act the way we think we should to a friend which results in escalating feelings of guilt 
• Special occasion fails – for example, when I tried to make up for missing my friend’s wedding by planning a celebration, which never materialized
• Pressure to be the "perfect friend" and the guilt that comes with not meeting those expectations
• How acknowledging and addressing the guilt (and also starting small!) can keep it from escalating out of control

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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I’ll bet we all have that friend who meets you with resistance when you offer to show up for them. “It’s too much,” they tell you – even if it’s no trouble at all.

Today, we continue our conversation about giving and receiving support with Laura Malcolm, the founder and CEO of Give InKind, a one-stop social support platform where you can organize all you might need to help somebody: meals, rides, GoFundMe updates, you name it.

Laura shares her beautiful story about how she created Give InKind and how she sees people utilizing the service today. Some use it to organize care for a family going through pediatric cancer; others use it to plan whose turn it is to call Grandma.

One of the most important things we cover is that we are ALL worthy of support, no matter our socioeconomic status, no matter how “not bad” we have it. Because honestly, it’s not always about the help itself – it’s also about the gesture, making us feel connected and cared for.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Give InKind, a one-stop-shop for helping friends and family in hard situations, with places to organize meal trains, grocery store trips, pet sitting, wish lists, etc.
• The idea for the service, which came about when Laura and her husband lost their first child to stillbirth and her coworkers set up a meal train for them
• Ring Theory, the vulnerability it takes to give/receive support, plus, what people were asking for on Give InKind that threw Laura off guard
• Why part of support is about connection and the act itself – no socioeconomic status is more or less deserving, and you don’t need to be in an emergency to receive care

Resources & Links

Want more on giving and receiving support? See Episode 112 and Episode 113. Be sure to check out Give InKind and the Ring Theory I mentioned in this episode.

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In retrospect, it’s easy to see how being the “strong friend” came naturally to me. I had a complex, traumatic childhood, and as the eldest daughter, I became a caregiver at a very young age and dealt with a lot of unpredictable circumstances. 

At school, I put myself in leadership positions where at the end of the day, the buck stopped with me, from becoming class president to varsity coxswain on the rowing team. But over time, it became clear this title – the “strong friend” – came at a cost.

That’s what today’s episode is about: the costs of being the “strong friend,” and how I eventually was able to remove myself from this role (which had its own costs). If you’ve ever played this role, I hope this episode gives you permission to make small shifts to lighten your load. I promise, those changes do add up over time. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How being the “strong friend” actually denied other people in my life the chance to show up for me and for each other
• The unsustainable patterns this dynamic created, going from one grand gesture to the next, and how this impacted school, work, and my partnership with Michael
• Choosing gestures that are actually not disruptive – for us, it’s company – vs. disruptive, like taking time off work to stay with somebody
• How I shifted some of these patterns, including learning to build bridges instead of boundaries

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 85 about shifting people-pleasing patterns and to Episode 112 about breaking the ways we show up into phases.

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Consequently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how people show up for one another. In a world where so many feel disconnected, helping someone else is a way to feel less alone. 

Today’s episode is about how to be there for people during a loss. These ideas are applicable to anybody experiencing a tragedy, from losing their home to losing a loved one.

There is no perfect way to show up. Stop putting that pressure on yourself and be okay with the fact you’re probably going to make mistakes. If you’re in the middle of supporting someone now, know that you’re doing matters. Keep being brave enough to show up.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Being okay with discomfort and the fact that you can’t fix what’s happening to somebody – but you can provide support for them
• Looking at immediate needs first: do they have physical shelter, food, water, or clothing? Do they need a place to sleep for the night?
• My own personal experience receiving help after losing my mom at age 13 – plus, the realities of freeze state
• The value of specific offers, doing what you’re naturally good at, and coordinating with others via existing networks
• Dos and don’ts when it comes to supporting people going through hard times (for example, DON’T try to force silver linings; DO validate their feelings)

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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For me, it’s my grandparents’ house. I can easily picture their front porch, where my grandmother waited for us; the table we played cards at; and the garden, where I spent hours talking to them while picking green beans.

We’ve been trained by the internet to believe superficial details – like a perfectly styled coffee table or matching throw pillows – are what people remember about our homes. Consequently, many have anxiety hosting because their homes don’t look Instagram-ready

But the houses we see online are designed to be in magazines. They’re not real. Most people’s homes are messy and imperfect, which in a way makes them friendlier places to be. It’s not the aesthetic that makes them comfortable; it’s the memories made there with people. 

So consider this your permission to host imperfectly, and to focus not curating space, but instead, on being present and holding space.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The bizarre age we live in, where we are inundated with perfect images of home from the internet, which is skewing our perception of what guests are looking for
• The comfort of imperfection – sometimes it’s nice to know it’s not just  you whose living room is cluttered or whose freezer contains mangoes instead of ice!
• Rewiring our brains to focus on holding space vs. curating space (and why sometimes holding space is actually harder)
• What people are actually craving in a gathering: real connection, and to feel safe, comfortable, seen, and loved

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 6 about hosting and see some of my other free resources. Listen to Episode 38 and Episode 39 about third places and Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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People often think they need to make enormous shifts to find community; they need to move to a tiny village on the other side of the world or into a compound in the woods. But that’s not true. Here’s what you actually need: subtle shifts and a willingness to be uncomfortable. 

So many people talk about how they want a village, and yet, I see them rejecting the small changes they need to make to let their villages in. They won’t accept help – a ride to the airport, a babysitter, a pre-cooked meal – because they don’t want to put a person out or let go of control.

I can offer to pick up your groceries or watch your children over and over again. I am choosing that; I want to be in community with you. But at the end of the day, you have to want that, too. We need to co-create this relationship and support system together. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Community, which is cited as the answer for societal issues like childcare/elder care shortages, mental health issues, etc. – but rarely is there advice on how to find it
• The idea of “hiring” a village – a message families often hear – for grocery pick-ups, babysitting, Uber rides, etc.
• Rejecting help when you need it because you feel like you can’t accept unpaid help or are unwilling to let go of control
• The level of internal required to step off the hamster wheel and be willing to feel discomfort in either asking for help or offering it

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 8 with my friend Adrienne about building a friendship community for her family.

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Today’s episode was inspired by one of my podcast producers, Alison, who told me she loves episodes this time of year that take you behind the scenes, which feels good to me; I want to catch you up on what’s been going on.

As you may know, I’ve been struggling with health issues this year, so much of what you’ve been listening to was pre-recorded. But finally, in early November, I got diagnosed with a trio of chronic illnesses: Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, and Dysautonomia.

I had hoped to get more done in 2024, but getting closure on some long-standing issues has been a very good thing. And, even though I didn’t have capacity to work on the podcast very much, it has grown, with listeners from 138 countries and almost 4,000 cities. 

There’s much in store for 2025, but I need your help. Please take my two-minute survey. Do you like solo episodes? Interviews? Grouped topics? Let me know so I can provide the content you crave. I hope the end of your year is filled with ease. See you in 2025.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What this last year has looked like: being ill and finally getting diagnoses; moving; wonderful friendship moments
• My goals 2025: health stability, more investment in my community, and more connection to listeners via social media/internet
• Things to get out into the world in 2025: Freebies! Printed guides! Audio guides! And also, the book I keep talking about!
• Stats about the podcast (which has grown without any traditional marketing techniques!) and what I’d like to focus on in the coming year 

Resources & Links

Please complete my survey so I can provide the kind of content you’re looking for in 2025.

Check out YearCompass, which helps you reflect on the past year and set goals for the next. Listen also to Episode 101 and Episode 108.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past.

Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a period in my 20s when my partner Michael literally called me the Grinch. Holidays are often reserved for families – so where does that leave those of us who don’t have strong familial ties or want something different?

This episode is about how to create holiday traditions with your friends that feel GOOD, with practical advice on how  to initiate these conversations and get the ball moving, with the hope that you too will dream up and work toward your own ideal celebrations, too.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My personal relationship and evolution with the holiday season, from being the Grinch to crying in the car out of happiness for my holiday plans
• What I was looking for in my holidays, including togetherness, connection, and splitting the burden of the magic making
• The societal normals that often limit holiday options to family gatherings or solitude, and the third option I’m proposing: holidays with friends
• Initiating conversations with friends about getting together for the holidays – which often involves a little vulnerability 
• The importance of patience and openness in creating new holiday traditions with friends

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

So how do you create traditions that stick around month after month, year after year? In my opinion, it’s all about sustainability. Traditions have to be something you can maintain on some level as life changes. Otherwise they fizzle out and aren’t traditions anymore.

In this episode, I offer tips on how to create traditions that are sustainable for all the people in your life, from your formal communities to your historic and present friends. 

Traditions matter. They offer safety and security in our relationships by creating consistency and frequency with which we see each other. They don’t need to be elaborate or expensive or energy intensive; they just need to be meaningful and maintainable. 

So start small. Be consistent. And let things evolve naturally over time.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What traditions look like for formal communities, defined/historic/present friends, etc. 
• Different options for touchpoints: in-person gatherings, text threads, virtual chats, neighborhood walks, porch parties, restaurant outings, etc.
• My own Thursday morning ritual with my business friends that has morphed into a Monday morning paddleboard meet-up
• Questions to ask when trying to decide if a tradition is sustainable – plus, let’s change the energy behind being the initiator! 
• Questions to ask if you’re starting new traditions, including: what connections do you want to deepen? What’s already happening naturally that could be more intentional?

Resources & Links

Listen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection and Episode 52 about pulling off simple neighborhood gatherings.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Some people in my chosen family play a variety of roles. Some play just one. Some are back-ups; others are back-ups for my back-ups. Cumulatively, it all adds up: today I feel more supported than I ever have in my life.

I’ve talked about chosen families in other episodes – including Episode 16, about my friend Jeff’s, and Episode 19, about my own – but I’ve never done one like today’s, which delves deep into what a chosen family is; why it’s important; and how to build one yourself.

Chosen families are the people who catch you when you fall but also help springboard you to the next level. Even if you already have a strong familial support system, this matters: you could still be part of a chosen family for someone else. 

Whether you’re building a chosen family out of necessity, like I did, or by choice, they matter. They make our lives richer, our support systems stronger, and our worlds a little bit better.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What a chosen family is: people who choose you through their words, intentions, and actions (with you choosing them back)
• The fallacy of the “all-or-nothing” mindset of the chosen family and the different roles chosen family members can play: big, small, medical, etc.
• My breast-cancer scare and how I leaned on my chosen family while I had to wait for the mammogram and ultrasound
• Celebrating holidays, birthdays, vacations, and milestones with chosen family members and how to create traditions with them
• Ways we can support our chosen families – plus, the power of specific support offers (helping with a new baby; driving someone to doctor appointments, etc.)

Resources & Links

Listen to other episodes about chosen families, including Episode 19, “The One for Little Alex,” and Episode 16. Also be sure to listen to Episode 12, about my Roots of Connection framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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Instead of seeing this as a setback, Debra took it as an opportunity to fast-forward her dreams and create something beautiful. 

Now Debra is a spiritual teacher and energy guide who, from her home in Tobago, runs a thriving community, Big Life Magic, which is made up of people who are looking for a space to grow and transform, and for others to witness and celebrate their transformation. 

Today’s episode is all about finding those spaces where we can truly show up as ourselves – not just who we are now, but who we dream of becoming, filled with people who believe that anything is possible for us.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Debra’s split life in New York City until 2020 – followed by her move to Tobago, where she started Big Life Magic, which focuses on spiritual guidance and energy work
• The concept of "believing mirrors,” where friends reflect and affirm each other's potential and dreams
• Not asking people about past or current selves, but instead: what do you want? Who do you hope to become? And how can I support you to get there?
• The power of getting out of your bubble and seeing other places, other people, and other ways to be in the world
• Advice for people looking to find similar transformational spaces for themselves and questions to ask themselves, like: what do I want in my life now? What do I need?

Resources & Links

Learn about Debra’s company, Big Life Magic, and her book, A Series of Surrendor: a Memoir of Grief.

See Friendship IRL Episode 91, “How to Stop Dreading Parties and Take Charge of Your Guest Experience.”

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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Today we dive into connection through podcasts and social media, emphasizing active over passive consumption. Our guest is Sharon Walters, a coach and author who has made it her mission to transform gratitude from a reaction to an action.

In this episode, Sharon highlights the impact of positive feedback and genuine interactions. She uses social media to build meaningful relationships and supports content creators by sharing their work and closing the loop. 

It’s easy to turn social media and podcasts into passive connections, but actually, they are brimming with opportunities for authentic relationships. There are real people behind the microphones and cameras, and it only helps to show them some love. So give them a like. Send them a message. You might even make a new friend.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What it means to close the loop in virtual connections so that you’re actively participating instead of just lurking
• The possibility of virtual connection: Sharon’s friendships she’s made through social media or podcasts, and my own
• My challenge to you: if you’re listening to a podcast, and it’s not one of the chart-toppers, connect with them: send them a message, give them a like
• The importance of being genuine and authentic in online interactions (and also, the value of positive feedback for content creators)

Resources & Links

Sharon is a business owner, gratitude coach, fitness trainer, and author. Visit her website and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

How did we make it happen? Partly, the stars aligned; partly, we’re privileged in that we’re self-employed, childless, and could afford it; but also, we just went for it. It was so fun and actually inspired a new goal: I want to go on a one-week girls trip sometime this decade.

By this point in my life, I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve had so many fun experiences with friends. I was able to do it because I stopped waiting for the stars to align, for that perfect thing to happen. 

In this episode, I present a special call to stop saying the word someday. Someday I’ll go on that girls trip. Someday I will make it out to visit that friend. Someday we’ll take that vacation. Here, I offer four tips to help you just get that friend trip on the calendar.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My trip with my friend: what we did, where we stayed, what the logistics looked like, and why it was so fun (but also, not the norm for friend trips)
• Starting with small gatherings – Slumber party! Staycation! Weekend away! Board game night! – which can help build momentum for larger trips
• Involving everyone in the process and giving plenty of time to plan for care and work arrangements (and how this can be part of the bonding experience with friends)
• Making the trip attainable and enjoyable for everyone involved, with focus on connection and relaxation, as opposed to creating the “ideal” vacation

Resources & Links

Interested in trying a slumber party with your friends? Listen to Episode 28. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s guest is Brendan Smith, a member of the Toastmasters chapter I was part of. Toastmasters is an international speaking club and educational organization, and for four years, Brendan and I met with the group every Thursday: sometimes online, sometimes in person; sometimes as presenters, sometimes as listeners. 

We all shared a common goal – to become better communicators and speakers – but there was an underlying benefit, too. You get to know people in a formal community. Over time, you develop a feeling of belonging to it.

Since talking with Brendan, I have to admit, I did not renew my Toastmasters membership. I was not able to invest in it the way I felt I should have due to work and health stuff I’ve been going through. And though it’s not a part of my weekly schedule anymore, I have such fond memories of the Toastmasters. It will always be a valuable part of my story and community.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What a formal community is and the importance of its regularity, from its structure to its shared goals
• What it was like joining Toastmasters with Brendan early COVID and what our club looked like: the variety of members of different ages, careers, and backgrounds
• The importance of discomfort, shared experiences, and informal interactions in building a strong formal community
• What we learn when we’re experiencing things with people – or talking with them “side-by-side” instead of face-to-face

Resources & Links

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In last week’s episode, I shared about my own recent health issues, but I think this information is good to have no matter your situation. Chances are, chronic illness will impact somebody in your life in your lifetime.

Today’s guest is Catherine, a business coach, founder of Catherine LifeDesign, and a survivor of chronic illness. Here, Catherine shares about her “perfect storm” of life events – including a miscarriage and Hashimoto’s disease diagnosis – that resulted in a severe health crash.

Chronic illness is hard. There is no exact solution on how to navigate friendships around this; it’s so personal and so nuanced. But my hope is that this one more story out there offers ideas on how to deal with this if it’s impacting your own life.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Catherine’s dream life: a successful business, a tropical Mediterranean home – and how it all fell apart with her three-year illness that stumped so many doctors
• The power of the friends who kept calling and asking how she was – a simple thing that offered comfort and support thousands of miles away
• The skill of managing your own emotional state and seeking the right support when you need it (and the importance of supplementing with professional support)
• The skill of rebuilding relationships, which Catherine learned on her healing journey, and how she views and interacts with friends now
• How friendship roots change when somebody goes through a major life change or illness (and how that impacts the work required to maintain the friendship)

Resources & Links:

Follow Catherine on Instagram and on her website.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram!), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the categories, and at the end of the episode, I talk about how to do a basic Wheel of Connection audit. 

You deserve Level 10 support, and hopefully this helps you to take more intentional action to develop the connections you need for this season of life. 

Want to go even deeper? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Life updates regarding my health, two Taylor Swift concerts, and the major milestone of this episode
• The Wheel of Connection: why I made it, why it’s round, why it looks different for everyone
• How your own Wheel of Connection is constantly changing: people move between categories, and different categories grow and shrink depending on your needs
• Wheel of Connection components: family of origin; family of choice; formal community; acquaintance; and familiar/defined/present/historic friend
• How the Wheel of Connection and Roots Framework work together, and how to conduct a Wheel of Connection audit

Resources & Links:

Here are some visuals of the Wheel of Connection and my Roots framework. Want more? Sign up for my newsletter to receive more information, including announcements about my forthcoming book and the Wheel of Connection audio guide.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s guest is James F. Richardson, a cultural anthropologist who spent two decades studying American society – which included living a more communal life in South India for three years. His new book, Our Worst Strength, challenges our approach to individualism as a way of life.

I read the book, and it was interesting to notice what came up. Most eye-opening was realizing how deeply ingrained the individualism mindset is. I simultaneously didn’t like what I was reading about individualism and didn’t want to change anything about it.

Was this eye-opening for you too? Be sure to read James’s book and check out his substack. If you’re like me, thinking about what a number individualism has done on our lives, remember we can’t change this overnight. It takes small shifts over time to make big change.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How American society often values personal autonomy and freedom at the expense of responsibility and obligation
• Things that have affected communal interactions in America, from societal norms that prioritize achievement to the rise of modern media and entertainment
• Having meaningful conversations and sharing skills with friends instead of using friendship as a source of entertainment
• The need for community members to observe and inquire about the emotional well-being of others 
• Getting comfortable with bringing together people who are in different phases of life; plus, why I hate the “200 hours to make a friend” stat

Resources & Links:

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I think it’s a common issue among friends. Personally, I used to brag about how I’d drop everything to help a friend in need – but I eventually discovered it wasn’t sustainable, and my friends didn’t reciprocate in quite the same way.

Today’s guest, Chrissy Marie, experienced similar issues, having always been the “space holder” or “fixer” for other people but never sharing the depths of her own emotions – which consequently led to one-sided connections.

Here, Chrissy – who is also a trauma-informed embodiment practitioner and founder of The Art of Aliveness podcast – shares her journey of unraveling these patterns and offers tips on how to build a diverse support network that holds space for ALL of you – no fixing required.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Chrissy experience being the “space holder” for other people and the watershed moment that cracked her open
• The fear of losing a friendship if you decide to pull back (and my own personal experience with this)
• Why, sometimes, being the “fixer” isn’t actually supporting people in the way you think it is
• The difference between allowing people to know something about you vs. allowing them to see your feelings and emotions about it
• Fire circles, reparenting the child inside you, a brilliant structure for a Zoom call, and filling the gaps with professional support

Resources & Links:

Be sure to follow Chrissy Marie on her website and listen to her podcast, The Art of Aliveness.

In this episode I mentioned Episode 49 about small talk; Episode 91, about taking charge of your guest experience; Episode 74 about small intimacies; and Episode 85, about shifting people-pleasing patterns.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Or, maybe you found yourself on the receiving end of unspoken expectations and left guessing what your friend truly needed. 

Our friendships are some of the only relationships we have by choice – but sometimes that freedom can make us hesitate to trust. We’re subconsciously testing our friends, waiting for them to prove they will show up and listen. These tests can strain a friendship.

But what if setting boundaries didn’t have to be a test? What if instead we saw it as a bridge: a way to deepen the connection and show our friends how to love us better?

Today, I talk all about friendship boundaries with Zya Be, host of the podcast Your Hell Yes Life. We share real-life experiences with boundaries in friendship and stories about those bridge-crossing moments.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• When owning your “yes” is also about owning your “no” – and how to reassess boundaries that are no longer serving you
• Being cognizant and upfront about how you like spending time with people, plus, how to create bridges instead of boundaries
• Different ways you can take a “friendship pause” if a pattern isn’t working rather than immediately ending the friendship
• Small intimacies, self-love, self-care, and the importance of being explicit about what’s needed when you (or a friend) are going through a hard time

Resources & Links:

In this episode I mention Episode 40 and Episode 54, which are both about neurodivergent friendships, and Episode 74, which is about small intimacies.

Listen to Your Hell Yes Life with Zya Be and follow her on Facebook.

Read Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. 

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

If you’ve been listening to Friendship IRL for a while, you’ll recognize some of these ideas, but some thoughts are new, and some I haven’t presented as directly as I do today. 

I was inspired by Danielle Bayard Jackson’s recent episode on the Friend Forward podcast, “6 Hot Takes on Female Friendships.” Here, I cover topics ranging from making friends with people of the opposite gender (which I love!) to the term “best friend” (which I hate!).

Honestly, I think doing this work has cemented a lot of these friendship beliefs for me, but I’d love to hear your thoughts: which hot takes do you agree or disagree with? This is a great episode for new listeners to start with, so please: send this to a friend, too!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The fallacy that we need only a few close friends (and in particular, a best friend) and the truth about what the most supportive network actually looks like
• How diversity in friendships can help us imagine different ways to live and be in the world – and consequently better understand ourselves
• Over-sharing vs. under-sharing in friendship and why it’s actually not a bad thing when we’re not invited
• The possible repercussions when you finally allow yourself to be uncomfortable in friendship 

Resources & Links:

This episode was inspired by Danielle Bayard Jackson’s recent episode, “6 Hot Takes on Female Friendships.” Danielle is host of the Friend Forward podcast and was a guest here during Episode 77 about female friendships. 

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You live on the other side of the world and experience a new culture. It changes how you see your life – and almost imperceptibly, it changes you, too. When you return home, things are different among your friends. You don’t fit in the way you used to.

Today’s guest, Linda Mueller, has lived this challenge firsthand through seven international moves over the course of thirteen years. Today, she is a life coach and mentor who empowers international women in the journey of relocation and repatriation. 

How do you reconnect with old friends when you’ve become a different version of yourself? While Linda’s story centers on international relocations, I think there are takeaways that apply to so many transformative life experiences. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The impact on relationships based on emotional intimacy roots when we become new versions of ourselves
• Reverse culture shock and the importance of keeping an open mind when it comes to forging new connections and maintaining old ones
• The instinct to add vs. to cut when it comes to looking at the scope of friendships in our lives (and in particular, adding people with similar interests or available time)
• Juggling a mixture of glass and plastic balls, and focusing on harmony instead of balance
• How technology enables us to hold on to so many more people than we used to – which creates new challenges!

Resources & Links:

Sign up for Linda’s newsletter and receive five strategies to make the most out of your time abroad, and follow Suneera Madhani, whose brilliant metaphor about juggling plastic vs. glass balls is mentioned in this episode.

Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework and listen to Episode 87 about spring cleaning your friendships.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today I’m talking about burnout with Lesley Waldron, is a burnout coach who is also a sandwich caregiver (a parent and caregiver to a parent). Much of our conversation tackles this conundrum: friendship is hard during burnout, yet, it’s also crucial for our well-being.

I wish I could say this episode has all the answers, but unfortunately there is no magic solution. We’re here to acknowledge a challenging situation many of you face and offer small ways to ease burnout in your own life.

Sometimes what you need most when you’re running on empty is actually a social connection: a hug, a swim date, a walk, or a living room dance party with a friend. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The stressors of being a caregiver, plus, the neurological and physiological shifts stress triggers in your body, from blood pressure to focus
• Different ways to “complete” the burnout stress cycle, from physical activity and laughter to social interaction and affection
• Emotional labor: expressing your emotions to accommodate and elevate the emotions of others (which is common especially among women)
• Four steps to use social connection as a means to complete the cycle if you’re experiencing burnout
• Group gatherings vs. one-on-one gatherings: which do you find more restorative? Plus, the role of oxytocin in combating burnout

Resources & Links:

Read Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski and Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping our Lives and How to Claim Our Power by Rose Hackman.

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So, at this point, you could say she’s an expert at building a support system. With each new move, she’s learned that it takes not just the right skillset but also the right mindset to create meaningful connections.

Leannda is also a resilience coach and host of the podcast Rising with Phoenix Grace, and in this episode, she provides amazing tips and tricks on how to make new friends after a move, plus, some of her favorite quotes about friendship.

There’s a lot packed into this episode, and I think these tips apply to anyone who’s trying to make an impact or change in their friendships or community.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The skillset AND mindset required to make new friends, plus, the benefits of even “surface level” connections (see my Wheel of Connection framework)
• Making friends and “putting things on the wall,” even when you know this place is only temporary (and how to not overthink your connections that aren’t reciprocating)
• How new friends see you for who you are in this moment and not just who you used to be or what you’ve gone through
• Some of Leannda’s favorite places to make new friends, from meetup.com to networking nights to Facebook groups
• Some of Leannda’s and my favorite inspirational quotes regarding friendship, from Heidi Priebe to Winnie the Pooh

Resources & Links:

Listen to Leannda’s podcast, Rising with Phoenix Grace.

Listen to Episode 48 with Michele Reichman and be sure to look at my Wheel of Connection framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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This is the experience today’s guest, Christine Hetzel, found herself in during a kind of quarter-life crisis. To turn her friendship situation around, she took the initiative and began organizing different kinds of public meet-ups.

Today Christine is the host of the Time for Brunch podcast and blog where she coaches clients on how to prioritize their own needs and personal development. She has since organized meet-up groups around the world with hundreds of members.

This episode is packed with inspiration on how to make the connections you want right now. As Christine reminds us, you can’t sit around and imagine things might magically change. You have to go and take action. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How Christine turned her friendship situation around by organizing meet-ups all over the world
• The sometimes under-appreciated work of event-organizing, and how to not take things too personally in friendships (especially new ones)
• The joy of friendship match-making, and how to broaden your network not as a means to “close the deal” but widen your possibilities
• Being curious about what lights people up, and the conversation starter we both hate the most
• Folding past friendships, relationships, and acquaintances into your next season of friendships

Resources & Links:

Listen to the episodes Christine mentions in this episode including Episode 24 (Marco Polo), Episode 41 (the Liking Gap), Episodes 44 and 48 (finding friends on the internet), Episode 49 (navigating small talk), and Episode 91 (party/event envy).

And be sure to check out Christine Hetzel’s blog and podcast, Time for Brunch and listen to the episode I recorded with her!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

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Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.

Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy.

My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?
• What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learned
• How to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questions
• Remembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactful

Resources & Links:

Read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. It’s amazing!

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It’s a common problem (one that I cover in Episode 31 and Episode 32 of this podcast) with major implications. Poor social and mental health in men is connected with all kinds of other issues ranging from suicide and depression to gun violence.

Joining me to talk about this issue is Antonio Neves, a leadership expert, motivational speaker, award-winning journalist, bestselling author of Stop Living on Autopilot, host of the podcast The Antonio Neves Show, and founder of Man Morning.

This episode is full of great advice for men who are looking to rebuild their social circles. His major suggestion: take action! Find a group. Give a friend a call. Put something on the calendar. It might feel awkward, but it’s all part of the process.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• My personal experience seeing the downside of poor friendship support networks when my mom passed away and my dad became a single parent of three kids
• Face-to-face communicators vs. side-to-side communicators, and the difference between big conversations at 7 a.m. vs. 7 p.m.
• Antonio’s advice on how to push past the “Level 1 Listener” status; plus, five of the most powerful words you can say in a conversation
• The power of investing in ourselves, particularly our support systems, BEFORE we hit rock bottom

Resources & Links:

Want to hear more on this topic? Be sure to listen to Episode 31 and Episode 32.

Check out Antonio’s book Stop Living on Autopilot, listen to The Antonio Neves Show, and learn about Man Morning.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Lots of people want these kinds of friendships because they’re supposed to be easy. You do life’s responsibilities together or you do absolutely nothing together – no planning or panic cleaning required.

But how do you find these friends? How do you find someone you’re so comfortable with that you can just sit back and watch TV in your sweatpants together, and it’s not weird? 

My thoughts? If you want a couch friend, you have to BE a couch friend. If you want an errand friend, you have to BE an errand friend. In this episode, I offer a few ideas about how to put that energy out into the world, from embracing spontaneity to encouraging your guests to get their own glasses of water.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What a couch friend is, what an errand friend is, and why these kinds of relationships are often with already established friends
• Leaning into a more casual energy from the getgo in a new friendship instead of putting your best foot forward
• How I act when I have couch-type friends coming over (hint, I might be in sweatpants, and I’m probably not panic cleaning)
• What kind of energy does somebody bring when they come over? Is it roommate energy? Or are you waiting on them?
• Creative ways you might actually be able to spend time with a couch or errand friend even if you’re a parent or busy adult

Resources & Links:

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This is the experience of today’s guest, Sarah Marie Paige, who in this episode shares about her amazing high school friend group – a group she assumed she’d be able to re-enter without a hitch post law school.

Instead, she learned they couldn’t actually pick up where they left off. Just like with plants, if you don’t water your friendships, they don’t continue to live. So, Sarah created a new community, one that supports her new lifestyle as a lawyer and fantasy writer.

I hope this episode makes those who’ve experienced this phenomenon feel less alone and realize that there are options – you can try to start over with these old friendships, or, like Sarah, you can put your energy elsewhere to build what you need.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Sarah’s high school friends, who kept in touch post graduation via blog for several years but eventually lost touch
• Grieving the loss of old friendships, which change as we grow older, and the crossroads ahead: do you start over with them or find new friends?
• Sarah’s life as a fantasy writer, and her books, each of which is a kind of love letter to a specific friend – plus,  how she met new friends who support this passion
• The importance of having a WHY when it comes to community – why are you bringing these people together? What is your shared purpose?

Resources & Links:

Sarah is a fantasy author! Check out her books on her website!

Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s guest is Emily Rogers, a transition and leadership coach and the host of the Leap to Lead podcast (which I was recently a guest on; link in the show notes!). Emily has lived overseas for 20 years and has personally navigated many moves and transitions. 

She says that with each transition comes a spring cleaning of sorts with past connections, which requires stepping back and reflecting on the energy of these relationships. Can you alter the expectations of this friendship? How will you connect? Is it time to let go entirely?

Hopefully this episode helps you navigate those transitions with more grace and intention, so that, if you desire, those old friendships can still thrive in their new forms.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The different kinds of life transitions that affect friendship: physical moves; starting a family; a new romantic relationship; a medical emergency; finishing school, etc.
• Instances in which you SHOULDN’T do the work (for example: a toxic relationship; lack of capacity; you simply don’t want to)
• Recognizing energy: when it’s right, when it’s not right, and when it’s time to shift your friendships (and remembering that what feels right now might not feel right later!)
• The impact of taking a step back six to eight months after a big move or life transition to make sure your friendships aren’t draining (or sliming!) you
• Managing interactions with draining people you have to spend time with (for example, doing an activity together or only hanging out in groups)

Resources & Links

Listen to Emily’s podcast, The Leap to Lead, which I was recently a guest on!

Go back to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

They walk into the room, and suddenly, the energy shifts. People are drawn to them. Some might argue that this is just the way some people were born. They inherited some gene that the rest of us didn’t.

But I believe magnetic individuals are just people who are doing the thing, putting themselves out there and taking action consistently – which over time, creates momentum and that coveted main character energy. 

You are the main character in your own life, and when you’re stuck riding somebody else’s waves, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and interests! So that’s what today’s episode is about: creating momentum and embodying that main character energy in your own life.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What main character energy is: taking action, speaking up for yourself, prioritizing community connection
• What main character energy is not: centering yourself in every relationship; blaming other people as the problem; never taking responsibility
• Peeling back the layers of your authentic self and letting yourself be seen, especially the things about you that make you colorful and interesting
• Giving yourself the glow-up without the life-changing event and making yourself the center of your connection universe
• Three tips and two challenges to help you get your own main character energy

Resources & Links:

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I’d show up for my friends as Superwoman, bragging that I could (and would) drop everything and do anything for my friends – even if it meant betraying myself and my own needs. Then, when I really needed help, I’d never ask for it.

I think we all have friendship patterns and tendencies. Some are good. Some are not. What’s important is taking a step back to determine whether they serve our friendships.

We can talk about this stuff in theory, but hearing real stories makes all the difference, and today’s guest, Deb Blum, the CEO and founder of the Whole Soul Way, shares her own tales with truth and vulnerability, from her historical wariness of female friendships to the midlife realization that made all the difference.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Becoming friends with people who feel “safe enough” and the feeling of being “too much” – plus, the difference between fitting in and belonging
• Mismatches in relationships vs. mismatches in the moment, and how sometimes people just aren’t in the same places at the same time
• The friendship patterns Deb finally realized midlife that were impacting her relationships and how she shifted those to create better ones
• The impact our parents have on how we interact with friends and how close we allow people to get to us
• The damage it can do to friendships when you don’t share your whole truth – and how people pleasing can actually be a bit of a betrayal

Resources & Links:

Learn about the Whole Soul Way and follow Deb Blum on Facebook and Instagram.

Dive deeper into these ideas and listen to Episode 15, about managing differences in friendships.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today’s episode might be one of the most important I’ve ever recorded because it gets at the heart of so many people’s struggles: core beliefs about friendship.

Here, I’m joined by Sarah Siegert, founder of Friendships Abroad. Inspired by her own experience moving from Hamburg to London, Sarah is a friendship coach who helps people living abroad create meaningful connections and overcome their loneliness. 

As Sarah points out in today’s episode, our relationships start with us. If we want healthy friendships, we have to be willing to do the inner work first. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Sarah’s experience moving from Germany to London in 2019 and her struggles to fit in within a whole new country
• Doing the inner work and training our brains to see the similarities between each other instead of the differences
• Creating new friendship habits and developing close relationships within a friendship group
• Introverts vs. extroverts, recharging your social batteries, and being intentional about what you’re looking for in friendships

Resources & Links:

Check out Episode 42 about friendship trios, which is about developing a close friendship within a group and follow Sarah on Instagram and visit her website.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this business, I hear some of the same phrases over and over, and this is one of them. I love that goal, and it’s a big part of what I talk about on the podcast. But recently, I’ve also noticed a trend in which people are seeking friends who are in DIFFERENT life stages.

So that’s what I’m talking about today. Why would you want friends in different life stages than you? And more importantly, how do you make and maintain friendships with people whose current life circumstances are so different from yours?

Personally, I’m looking for a walking buddy, and I feel like that perfect someone might not be a fellow entrepreneur in their mid-30s. What friendships are you looking for in your own life? How might people in different life stages add some richness to your social wellness?

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The tendency to lean on sameness or perceived similarity in friendships – and the similarities you can still find between friends in different life stages 
• Why sometimes it’s actually easier to spend time with people in different life stages because they have different time constraints
• The opportunities for sharing wisdom and learning when you’re friends with people who are older or younger than you
• How sometimes having friends in different stages of life alleviates pressure to act or be a certain way – plus, ideas on how to find these friends!

Resources & Links:

Learn about my Wheel of Connection framework and be sure to check out Episode 77 about female friendships and Episode 15, about managing differences in friendships.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In today’s episode, we dive deep into this idea with my good friend Jenny Dreizen, who is the co-founder of the Fresh Starts Registry, which I’m a huge supporter of. 

The Fresh Starts Registry is a registry for all of life’s new beginnings, from divorces to graduations, big moves to scary diagnoses. (Sound familiar? I also talked with Jenny’s sister and co-founder Olivia in Episode 68!)

Jenny is the perfect friend for me to sit down and have this conversation with because so much of her work centers around supporting people through changes and transitions. 

BTW, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t make friends on the internet. Jenny and I have never met in person, yet, I can totally see our friendship spanning 30 years from now.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• What it means to be in your “friendship era” and why sometimes doing less actually serves friendships more
• Friendship breaks vs. just taking a step back from friendship or cutting off just part of a friendship
• Putting yourself in places and environments that feel authentic to you and the importance of trusting your gut about your relationships
• Coming back to people whose energies didn’t used to align with yours but actually do now
• Internet friends, selfless acts, and how deciding to actively engage in your community is actually the ultimate self-care

Resources & Links:

Learn about small intimacies in Episode 74, check out the Fresh Starts Registry, follow them on Instagram, and listen to Episode 68 to hear my conversion with Fresh Starts co-founder (and Jenny’s sister) Olivia. 

Also, don’t forget to listen to their podcast, A Fresh Story (including the episode I recorded with them).

Olivia and Jenny have also written these amazing scripts for what to say when you don’t know what to say.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Today I’m bragging about my new friend Anna Goldfarb, author of Modern Friendships, which is about the nuances of adult friendships. Anna is a journalist whose reporting has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post and Vox. Her book is absolutely amazing.

You’ll find we have lots of overlap in the ways we think about friendship, but of course, we are different people, and she provides slightly different perspectives and language on the topic. 

Today’s episode was such a delightful conversation; it felt like we could talk forever. If you like what I put out on this podcast, be sure to buy her book!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The topic of friendship over the last few years, which became magnified during and after the pandemic
• Friendship strategies that are outdated in today’s super fluid society, putting people in positions where they can’t commit
• How Anna’s research impacted her relationship with her sister and her own friendships
• The importance of having flexible expectations as you and your friends move into different phases of life
• The thing that’s flattening our friendships that our ancestors didn’t have to deal with and the amount of time it actually takes to develop close relationships

Resources & Links:

Sign up for Anna’s newsletter and buy her book, Modern Friendships: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.

Want to hear more about flexible friendship expectations? Check out Episode 33, “The New Version of Friendship,” and Episode 45, about friendship demotions.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This question is posed by today’s guest, Donna Fields, who, twenty years ago, moved to Spain, and experienced culture shock, going from the United States – an individualistic society – to one that was collectivist and communal. 

Donna is an author, professor, teacher, trainer, and host of the podcast Doorways to Learning with Donna. Here, she asks: what do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? For her, it was family and community. But is it possible to be TOO communal? 

Spaniards are often extremely family oriented, but is it possible family ties literally tie them down when they could have more experiences if allowed to cut loose? When you move somewhere so different, it makes you wonder: where’s the balance? What feels right to me?

I love episodes like today’s. It feels like we could just be sitting around the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, trying to explore life’s deeper meanings. We don’t answer all the questions, but it sure is an interesting conversation.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• All about Donna – her background in New York and New Mexico and how she ended up in Spain for the last 20 years
• What do we look for when we leave one place and go to another? And why do we leave the house in general – to do something, or to be with other people?
• Spanish vs. American culture: how each views family, community, reciprocity, trust, etc., and the pros and cons of each
• The hyper-vigilance required in individualistic societies where you’re doing everything by yourself
• The ripple effects we can have on others and the power of letting go 

Resources & Links:

Donna has compiled some material that will generate fascinating conversations about cultural differences and the natural unions of communities. 

Check out Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam, and if you haven’t yet, listen to Episode 41 about the Liking Gap.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Here’s a question I’m posing for today’s episode: instead of trying to maintain friendships at their “peaks,” what if we allowed these friendships to breathe in their new forms?

Today’s guest is Joseph Suttner, who I met a year ago while on New Day Northwest, a morning TV show here in Seattle. In this episode, Joseph and I talk in-depth about the Wheel of Connection, particularly historic vs. present friendships.

Sometimes it can be sad to admit our historic (and sometimes closest) friendships are no longer at their peaks due to life’s circumstances. But if there’s one constant in life, it’s change, and I think listeners will walk away from today’s episode with new appreciation and perspective of these relationships.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Historic friends, defined friends, formal communities, and more in my Wheel of Connection framework
• The guilt and shame created by friendships that can’t be maintained at their peaks due to the realities of adulthood – and how to appreciate what’s there instead
• Self-awareness about your approachability if you’re trying to expand your connections (i.e., are you wearing sunglasses or headphones while out walking?)
• Activities together vs. drinks or coffee – one of these feels like less pressure if you’re meeting up with a new friend

Resources & Links:

Learn about my Wheel of Connection framework!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Different kinds of self talk we have before, during, and after our interactions – and how these can make or break our connections
• My runaway train story about a sleep deprived podcast recording, an embarrassing interaction, and the negative self talk I couldn’t seem to stop
• The value in removing ourselves from the conversation and looking at the situation objectively
• Two situations where I was able to tame negative self talk – one where I was ghosted, one where I didn’t show up for a friend in the way I’d wanted to
• The tricks our brains play on us, and how to approach these “fails” and be kinder to ourselves as time goes on

Resources & Links:

Need a cheerleader for your social interactions? I’m here for you! Conquer your friendship anxiety and walk into any room with confidence - join the waitlist now.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Danielle’s background as an English teacher, where she observed the academic impact friendship had on her students
• The fragility of female friendships and the pressure women are often under to juggle the needs of others (as mothers, wives, employees, daughters, sisters, caregivers, etc.)
• Why women often look for emotional support from their platonic female friendships more than their romantic partners
• The high expectations of female friendships and Danielle’s advice for navigating the pressure associated with these relationships (HINT: communication is key!)
• Navigating healthy conflict and gender expectations, and how to build resilience so we can put ourselves out there

Resources & Links:

Follow Danielle on Instagram, listen to the Friend Forward podcast, and buy her book, Fighting for Our Friendships.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

P.S. Michelle is a friend of Brenda, who appeared on Episode 24. They are part of the Marco Polo group we talk about in that episode. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The story of Michelle and Erica’s friendship, and how living thousands of miles away didn’t affect their bond (cards, letters, and long distance phone calls played a role)
• Friendships that feel like chosen family, transcending traditional familial bonds and highlighting the deep, emotional connections that can form in these relationships
• How Michelle has processed her grief over the years, from support groups, to counseling, to simply honoring Erica’s memories by talking about her with friends
• How the “Friends” series finale and Cinco de Mayo stir up memories of Erica
• The importance of sharing our stories of loss, and how this can foster understanding and bring comfort to those experiencing something similar

Resources & Links:

Check out Episode 24, which talks about the Marco Polo friend group that Michelle is a part of.

I have two other episodes focused on grief: Episode 18 with Aly Bird and Episode 35 with Suzanne Jabour.

You can also check out Episode 16 and Episode 19 for conversations about chosen families.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The impact of stress, increasing cortisol levels and trickling into other parts of your body
• The studies that have recently come out about college students who entered school during the pandemic
• Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones and the 15-year impact connection can have on your life expectancy
• Loose ties, relational diversity, and how interactions at coffee shops can not only change your day but impact your long-term health
• Technology’s impact on in-person connection and how to get in touch with your fun side

Resources & Links:

Learn more about Dr. Zarya Rubin on her website  where you can access her free Burnout to Balance Toolkit and follow her on Instagram.

Check out Episodes 38 and 39, which are about third places;  Episode 41, which is about the Liking Gap; Episode 4 (What is a Friend?); and Episode 69, about learned loneliness.

Check out the book Zarya recommends, Find Your Unicorn Space by Eve Rodsky and the documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones.

Check out the Mel Robbins Podcast episode about finding your people.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Definitions of vulnerability and rejection and the roles they play in whether or not we allow small intimacies
• Examples of small intimacies that are overlooked in friendship, from inviting somebody into your house to telling the truth when somebody asks how you are
• Topics that are vulnerable or considered big shares for some people but not for others, which can be both “positive” and “negative” shares
• The cycle of overthinking what we share to our friends and how we can open ourselves up to small intacies
• The Roots of Connection framework which I talk about more in Episode 12

Resources & Links:

Learn more about my roots framework! And be sure to listen to Episode 12 if you haven’t already.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The American Time Use Survey, which shows trends of how Americans spend their time based on age
• Katrina’s life-changing career break, how she managed it, and her advice for using a career break to connect with people
• Non-constructed moments with our people (often facilitated during longer periods of time spent together) instead of curated visits
• The mind-blowing percentage of people for whom connection is their reason for taking a career break
• Modern American connections vs. the connections Katrina remembers as a kid and the kinds she saw while traveling abroad (hint: we used to be more serendipitous!)

Resources & Links:

Learn more about Katrina McGhee on her website and check out her book, and learn about the 2022 American Time Use Survey.

Listen to Episode 65, “How Jenna Myhre Deyle Moved Across the Country to Live Closer to Friends.”

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Voice memos vs. text messages – the impact of hearing people’s voices (the sound, the cadence, the tone) and what they can carry that text messages cannot
• Wesley’s story: growing up in a small Southern town and then moving to a small town as a self-described socially anxious person
• The benefits of joining a formal community – a church or religious organization, for example – and how this plays in my Wheel of Connection framework
• The snowball effect of connection: one friend might introduce you to another friend, who might introduce you to other friends, etc.
• Different platforms Wesley has used to make friends, including Threads, Bumble BFF, and VRchat, and what they’ve been like for him

Resources & Links:

In this episode, we talk about the Wheel of Connection, which I urge you to check out, and male friendships, which we cover more in-depth in Episodes 31 and 32.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

• Thinking about the roles we play in our friends and being intentional about how we want to show up as time goes on
• Shifting the way we use technology to maintain our friendships during big life changes (plus, using social media to actually CONNECT and not lurk!)
• Going on the friendship journey and remembering all our friends started at zero at one point
• Not allowing bad circumstances to limit us from having a beautiful experience with a group of friends
• Being our authentic selves and not getting caught up on the friendships that don’t work (because maybe they don’t work for a reason!)

Resources & Links:

Visit Zahara’s website, follow her on Instagram and Linkedin, and check out the After Betrayal workbook.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Examining our own friendship beliefs and analyzing how this might impact our kids’ friendships and being aware of the phrasing and messaging we pass on to them
• How friendship is different for all kids, particularly introverts/extroverts/kids on the Autism spectrum; what feels good for one person might feel terrible for someone else
• Modeling healthy, respectful friendship and talking about: why friendship is important; what it means to be a good friend; qualities to look for in a friend
• Being the gatekeepers to friendship and the importance of kids seeing friends outside school, where they deepen relationships and learn how other families live
• Teaching kids how to listen and be interested in other people, and also how to problem solve their way out of tight friendship spots

Resources & Links:

Be sure to listen to Pam’s podcast, Less Drama, More Mama and learn about the Wheel of Choice.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• The different dimensions of loneliness, including intimate loneliness, relational loneliness, and collective loneliness
• Factors that have led to an increase in loneliness, including lack of community organizations, increase of working from home, lack of social trust, etc.
• Social media and TV’s roles in loneliness – and why I think one is more harmful than the other
• Things we can do to combat learned loneliness, such as appreciating the beauty in simple relationships 
• Why we shouldn’t wait for the perfect opportunity or situation to put ourselves out there

Resources & Links:

For more on loneliness, check out Episode 27, and learn about how we might better lean into front yards instead of back yards in Episode 39 and Episode 67.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

• Life changes – the average person goes through 14 (!) in a lifetime, from job changes and break-ups to moves and having kids
• Meeting people where they are, which often means you have to take your ego out of it  and remember that the reaction might not be the one you envisioned
• How sometimes, it’s not sustainable to show up in the volume that equates our love – plus, the benefits of focusing on the small things instead of the grand gestures
• Coming up with tried and true scripts you can say to your friends (and borrowing some from Fresh Starts if you need some help with material)
• Letting people into your life and believing you are worthy of support, and building the support system that feels right for you

Resources & Links

Check out Fresh Starts, follow them on Instagram, and see their scripts that can help you next time you want to show up for your friends while they’re going through their major life moments.

Listen to the Fresh Starts podcast, and keep an eye out for their upcoming episode which I’ll be a guest on!

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

• The importance of socializing with all ages and giving kids the opportunity to make intentional friendships 
• The cultural shifts and structural hurdles that cause making and maintaining friendships difficult
• Third Places, the Liking Gap, the decline in social trust (including thick and thin trust), and weak ties vs. strong ties
• Small changes that can facilitate more social trust, which can be as easy as staying off your phone while in line or on the train
• The extreme loneliness epidemic in the U.S., and seeing children as examples of how you can make friends and put yourself out there

Resources & Links:

Check out Episodes 38 and 39, which are about third places, and Episode 41, which is about the Liking Gap. Another good resource is Bowling Alone: the Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

• The normalization and glamorization of alcohol consumption and the reality of what regular drinking does to our bodies and our relationships
• How many people use alcohol as a social crutch – plus, the barrier it actually creates between friendships
• Hitha’s decision to cut back on alcohol, especially at networking events or parties, and the impact that’s made on her home life and overall well-being
• How Hitha has transitioned with her friends into doing other activities together that don’t involve alcohol, from Dry January to coffee walks in the park
• Tips if you are reevaluating your relationship with alcohol, from creating rules for yourself to finding delicious delicious alcohol-free alternatives

Resources & Links:

I can’t tell you enough how much I enjoy Hitha’s Five Smart Reads; sign up for her newsletter! I also highly recommend both her books: How to Pack: Travel Smart for Any Trip and We’re Speaking: The Life Lessons of Kamala Harris.

Check out

• Jenna’s story about “checking off the boxes” – getting married, moving up the corporate ladder, etc. – only to realize she was deeply unhappy
• The major decision Jenna made, calling her company’s VP about her wish to move back home to Kansas City, not matter what that meant for her future employment
• Society’s understanding of what success is and the idea that if you’re unhappy you should self-care your way out of it
• Jenna’s intentional work to make new friends/communities besides the friends she already had in Kansas City – and the impact this made on her perspective and career

Resources & Links:

The Wheel of Connection Framework, it’s the cumulative impact of everyone in your life.

Check out “You’d Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Why Don’t You?” by Anne Helen Petersen.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!