• Laura and Kiernan review the basics of the southern Ash Wednesday and Lent experience 
• God reviews the Cities of Refuge & The Avenger of Blood™ 
• Kiernan and Laura develop additional canon for The Avenger of Blood™ 
• The Israelites divide up the conquered lands by drawing straws aka “casting lots”
• Kiernan and Laura discuss guilt, hell, a life of good, and a little bit of jesus

Laura and Kiernan are joined by special guest, Jared, as we follow Joshua and the gang on their divine quest to the promised land, to kill everyone and take Israel for themselves

In THIS episode: 

• Joshua takes The city of Ai with a pretty tactical Feint-Raze combo
• The Gibeonites pretended to be from a far away land and got a sneaky blessing
• Villain squad attacks the Gibeonites 
• God stops the sun so Joshyboy can fight back vs the villain squad all day
• Joshua kills all the kings
• Joshua kills all the kings even more
• Joshua divides the land he took amongst the tribes
• Caleb is in a tifffy cuz he was supposed to get a mountain
• Everyone gets land!

Laura and Kiernan are joined by our Kart Gang homies on an exciting Camping-trip special. 

In this episode: 

• Moses is dead so Joshyboy is now the leader
• The Israelites are ready to conquer the promised land
• The first city we gotta capture is Jericho , a city with really big walls 
• Joshua sends spies to Jericho
• The Spies spend the night at a Brothel make friends with a sex worker named Rahab
• She helps them escape the Guards by hiding in her roof
• The spies escape
• Joshyboy has another round of circumsision for everyone
• The Israelites destroy the city walls through the power of yelling
• After destroying the city, The Israelites kill everyone except for Rahab the sex worker (and her family) 
• A couple of the Israelites steal some gold 
• they weren't supposed to do that and they get in trouble later
• The Hosts compare the difference between religion and just stanning Jesus
• Hail Satan

Laura and Kiernan finish the Pentateuch with Moses finally sending the israelites on their way to conquer the promised land. 

In this episode: 

• Moses continues on the rules
• Rules of which races to kill or not kill
• Rules for holy war
• Rules for wet dreams (and/or night farts)
• Rules for husbands and wives
• God has Moses send 2 groups of people to different mountains, 
• One group to bless good things and the other to curse bad people
• Moses and God align on who to curse and who to bless
• There is a list of what the curses are 
• Laura tells us some facts about frogs
• There is a song to remember all the rules which Kiernan Parodies
• Moses blesses each tribe and Laura and Kiernan rate which are best

in the Deut-Deut episode Toot-Toot, we’ll be joining Moses and the gang, with Moses continuing to outline the rules and customs the Israelites should follow once they cross into the promised land and kill everyone.

• Moses continues to tell the israelites the rules  
• Moses says if the israelites follow the rules, they’ll get rain and prosper
• Moses reinforces the need and value of church dinners
• Kiernan and Laura reflect on church dinners from their past
• Kiernan and Laura re-state that we are against slavery
• Moses continues with rules including which animals are okay to eat
• Moses outlines the rules for passover
• Laura and Kiernan agree that Moses totally fucks and has eric andre chaotic energy
• Moses outlines rules for stoning people for trying different religions
• Moses outlines rules for burning down villages for trying different religions
• Moses hints that we may need a king soon but that the king will be picked by God and shouldn’t be like egyptian kings
• Moses outlines a list of rules in a variety of categories in a seemingly-random order 
• Moses says to sacrifice a cow if you can’t find the murder suspect,  take good care of people’s pets, you have to build parapets 
• Moses says don’t be wizards,  don’t leave corpses hanging everywhere,  don’t cross-dress, don’t diddle your stepmom, don't have an ox and donkey pull the same yoke
• Moses says if you lie about being a virgin or cheat on your spouse, you get stoned  (the bad kind)

Kiernan, Laura, Moses, and the Israelites stand on the shores of the Jordan, and what do we do before we go conquer people? That’s right, 30 chapters of speeches! Let’s begin.

• The Israelites have reached the promised land
• Moses isn’t allowed to go to the promised land
• Moses recaps the journey so far, including which kingdoms we killed and didn’t kill
• One of the guys they killed had a giant bed
• Moses reminds the Israelites about the time a fire talked to them
• Moses reminds the Israelites about the commandment tablets 
• Moses gives some speeches about what to do next and how to live
• Moses reminds the Israelites about Egypt again
• Moses reminds the Israelites about the cool fire again
• Moses reviews the 10 commandments with the israelites 
• Moses reminds the Israelites that the voice of god is so powerful they could die from hearing it
• Moses reminds the Israelites about Egypt again
• Moses lists the different kingdoms where the Israelites are planning to kill everyone
• Moses reminds the israelites of all the times he lies on the ground pleading with God not to kill them all
• Moses reminds the Israelites about Egypt again
• Moses tells the Israelites to circumcise their hearts (?) for the lord

In this episode, Kiernan and Laura try their real fuckind darndest to bring good vibes and healthy critical discussion into the end of the book of Numbers, where God asks Moses to do a genocide.

In This episode:

• Laura and Kiernan discuss the Salads that don't contain salad
• Use mayo instead of Butter on a Grilled Cheese, thank us later 
• The Israelites are fraternizing with the Midianites
• God is mad at them for that
• God tells Moses to kill all the Midianites
• The Israelites kill most of the Midianites but leave some women and children alive
• God is pissed because he said to kill ALL of them
• Moses divvies up millions of animals/slaves amongst the warriors and Israelites
• Reuben and Gad fail to communicate with Moses but then they figure it out   
• Moses outlines Refuge Cities where you can hide if you accidentally kill someone
• but the Avenger of Blood is gonna come try and get ya if you leave
• Kiernan and Laura talk candidly about what was successful in our church community growing up 
• The Israelites are ready to go raid Canaan and take the land
• But first, some speeches 

• Aaron is dead and the Israelites complain 
• God sends snakes to bite them
• The Israelites say they'll stop complaining
• God has Moses make a magic snake stick 
• The Illuminati
• The Israelites kill all the moabites
• A guy named Balaam can curse people and it comes true  
• A prince named Balaak wants Balaam to curse the Israelites
• But Balaam blesses em instead (cuz he ain't bout to fuck with God's peeps)
• Balaak wants Balaam to curse the Israelites again, but Balaam blesses em again
• Balaak wants Balaam to curse the Israelites again, but Balaam blesses em again again
• God wants Moses to pick a successor
• Moses picks Josh
• We learn about some festivals and rules for offerings that we already read about
• We insult the audience and go play Mario Kart
• Kiernan thanks the fried chicken people

• The people wander in the wilderness 
• It sucks
• The people complain
• The people want a paradise
• It rains bread
• Moses is sick of it all and wants to die
• God gives people visions
• God gives people quails
• Bitches dunk on moses cuz he meek
• Miriam gets: leprosy; exiled
• The people look for land
• The people question the direction of the project
• The people look for land
• Moses kills some randos picking up sticks cuz it’s the sabbath
• Kiernan and Laura agree to adopt a Goat
• A REBELLION!!!1!
• We need some water
• We killed Miriam?!?
• Moses strikes a stone and makes water
• God wants to sacrifice Aaron
• They sacrifice Aaron

Laura and Kiernan start Numbers - the NERD of the books of the bible. Originally given a name meaning “Wilderness,” Scholars have instead chosen its namesake due to its lanky mathematical word problems.

• Moses counts up everyone in the 12 tribes of israel - over 600,000 Men (They only count Men)
• Moses gives the DL on the floorplan for which cliques sit where for lunch
• Aaron’s sons die because they offered the wrong fire to the lord 
• God says he consecrated all Israelite Babies by murdering all the Egyptian Babies 
• God says Aaron’s tribe is the priests and the other Levites have different Priestly Jobs like taking care of the divine furniture, picture frames, drapes, and more
• God says sick people have to quarantine
• Laura and Kiernan Talk about the philosophy of the world ending
• God sets a new rule where if you steal something you have to pay it back and then 1/5 more
• Kiernan tells some stuff about how the previous name for this book meant “Wilderness” which was way better
• God checks up on Moses and reminds about the passover rules
• God makes a cloud and tells the Israelites to follow the cloud from now on

Laura and Kiernan dig deeper into the ancient rules and punishments of Leviticus, reminding our viewers that like the pirate code, these are really more of guidelines than rules. 

• God tells Moses about all the rules that Priests have to follow
• God says Priests can’t trim their beards, should burn non-virgins to the death, and shouldn’t let people offer food if they have blemishes
• God tells Moses that they can’t accept offerings from people who don’t wash their hands, or masturbate, or have leprosy
• God tells Moses that people who just came can’t come to dinner
• God Says Offerings of animals can’t have blemishes etc either, don’t touch dead things.
• God outlines some festivals, some last a whole year
• God says all debts are canceled after 50 years
• God says no Israelites for slaves, slaves can only be other peoples 
• God reiterates the 10 commandments and what happens if you don’t follow em 
• God explains how you can pay money as a vow offering instead of sacrificing a person, and gives a price list in silver for what various people are worth
• God has Moses lay out some rules for assessing offering-mortgage values for land 

Kiernan and Laura review more of the biblical rules and play a shoddy quizgame about all of the animals you are not allowed to eat

In this Episode:

• God tells the Israelites what animals they can  and cannot eat
• God teaches the Israelites how to be clean 
• God teaches the Israelites how to handle leprosy
• God teaches the Israelites how to handle penile discharge
• God teaches the Israelites how to handle periods / vaginal discharge
• God outlines the rules of the Day of Atonement, practiced today
• God tells the Israelites not to kill animals in secret (gotta share)
• God tells the Israelites to not look at our family members naked or do incest
• God tells the Israelites to not be gay, have sex with animals, make zonkeys, or be wizards
• God tells the Israelites that if a man rapes another man’s slave, he can be forgiven
• God tells the Israelites to treat foreigners as family
• God reminds the Israelites again to not look at our family members naked or do incest

Laura and Kiernan celebrate the holidays with a special episode around a campfire, discussing the best biblical ways to slaughter livestock in the name of the Lord

In This Episode:

• Laura burns herself on a campfire
• Kiernan and Laura share their story of attending a christmas church service
• God tells Moses to tell the Israelites how to offer animals to God by Burning them
• Kiernan and Laura tell Laura’s mom about a violin party
• God details how to properly clean and dismember animals before burning them as an offering
• God details how to prepare Wheat offerings
• God details how to Burn goats as a sign of friendship
• God details how to slaughter bulls in order to purify the temple of sins
• God details how to slaughter a ram as reparation for accidental crimes
• God says to own up to your actions but also don’t be a snitch
• God details how to splatter Aaron with blood to make him a priest
• God details how make a pile of dead animals to repent for his sons
• Kiernan and Laura try to convince Laura’s brother to bring us cookout 

• Moses sprinkles the Israelites (for extra flavor)
• Moses camps out on a mountain for 40 days
• God gives Moses instructions for some divine furniture
• God gives Moses instructions for a special tent
• God gives Moses instructions for an elaborate altar
• God says Aaron is gonna be the priest 
• God tells Moses to bathe Aaron, dress him up real swanky, and sprinkle a bunch of goat blood and guts on his face
• God ransoms the Israelites with a tax for being alive
• God calls dibs on incense as “his smell” so don’t make incense perfume
• Aaron makes a cat out of some gold (okay a calf) 
• People LOVE that gold cat and have a party 
• God tells Moses that isn’t allowed and the Commandment tablets break
• Moses orders the Levites to crash the party, 3000 people die
• God reminds people they cannot look at Him or they’ll die
• Moses Remakes the tablets
• The Israelites do all the furniture and temple stuff God said to do

In This Episode:

• The Israelites sing a song with Aaron’s Sister Miriam
• The Israelites complain about water so God gives them tasty wood (?)
• The Israelites complain about food so God gives them Manna and… quail
• The Israelites complain about water again so God has Moses hit a rock with a stick (which makes water)
• Moses wins a battle by holding up his long hard rod of God
• The Israelites wander in the Wilderness
• The Israelites gather at Mt. Sinai
• God dresses up as a cloud and gives them a lot of rules
• Some rules make general sense, some are really bizarre and specific, and some are downright inhumane.
• Thousands of years later, we pick and choose which rules we want to keep, and use these to our own benefit. 
• Mostly we talk about the first 10 which are really 13 that we combine in different ways to be 10.
• Slavery is bad, (even though the bible doesn’t say so here)
• The Israelites sacrifice some shit and get ready to make some elaborate furniture

• Unrelated, Plato was thicc
• The Israelites were oppressed
• Moses kills a guy
• Moses asks Pharaoh if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• That makes things worse
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Magic Snakes) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Blood) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Frogs) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Gnats) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Flies) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Boils) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Hailstorms) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Locusts) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Darkness) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Death) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• The Pharaoh asks the Israelites to leave
• The Israelites leave 
• Pharaoh changes his mind
• Moses drowns the Egyptians
• Aaron was here too

In this Episode:

• Joseph has a nice coat
• Joseph tells his brothers about a dream they dislike
• Judah’s son has a cumshot intermission
• Joseph’s brothers throw Joseph in a pit
• Joseph’s brothers sell Joseph to slavery
• Joseph goes to prison for being a piece of ass
• Joseph tells the other prisoners about their dreams
• The Pharaoh asks Joseph to explain the Pharaoh’s dream
• Joseph becomes VP of dreams
• Joseph saves Egypt from famine
• Joseph’s brothers need food so he fucks with ‘em
• They all cry and make up
• Happy ending
• Kiernan and Laura want a reuben 

• We read the packaging of some great snacks  
• Jacob tricks his dad Isaac & screws over his brother Esau
• Jacob dreams about a ladder
• Jacob works 7 years to marry his cousin
• Jacob marries the wrong cousin
• Jacob works another 7 years to marry the first cousin
• Jacob's four wives try to have the most babies
• Jacob scams his father-in-law and takes all his livestock
• Jacob runs away from Esau but Esau says we're cool
• Jacob wrestles with... someone?
• Jacob's daughter Dinah is assaulted by the prince
• Jacob sells Dinah to the prince, on the condition that the Prince circumcises all the males in the city
• The Prince circumcises all the males in the city
• Dinah's brothers kill all the males in the city
• They leave
• God tells Jacob that his name is now Israel, but we keep calling him 'Jacob' anyway because it's confusing

• Isaac is born
• Abraham almost sacrifices his son, Isaac
• Sarah Dies 
• Isaac marries his cousin Rebekah
• Abraham dies
• Rebekah has Jacob and Esau
• Jacob tricks Esau 
• Isaac tries to cuckold a pharaoh
• Jacob tricks Esau again 
• Jacob sees a ladder

Come sit and enjoy our second foray into the biblical histories. Listen to Laura and Kiernan pass a bowl and question some of the stranger parts of Father Abraham’s Quest to Have Many Sons.

In this episode:

• Humans are unified
• Humans build a really big tower 
• God creates language 
• Abram tries to cuckold a pharaoh
• Altars; sacrifices
• Abram hands out circumcisions like they're candy
• Abraham gets a longer name
• God explodes some cities
• a gross thing happens in a cave
• Abraham tries to cuckold a pharaoh again

We begin our story with Genesis—The first book of the bible. Kiernan and Laura sit around a campfire and recount how it all came to be, as well as some of the weirder details that were left out of the story when we taught it at Vacation Bible School. 

In this Episode:

• God makes the earth, the universe
• God makes Adam and Eve
• Eve finds the clitoris 
• Adam and Eve get kicked out
• Cain kills his brother Abel
• Noah builds a boat
• God kills nearly everyone
• there is a rainbow 
• Ham sees Noah's dick
• Noah curses all Canaanites forever