Parental Development

Things that make you go hmmm

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 03:00:00 -0500

This episode is a little all over the place, but we talk through triggers, doing our personal work, and learning how to respect the opinions and ideas of others.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Grades

Wed, 16 Oct 2024 03:00:00 -0500

This conversation talks about grades and how we use them in school. Alfie Kohn, a leading researcher in behaviorism and rewards has articles posted here and here. Our education system puts a lot of focus on grades and achievement, regardless of the research showing that they may not actually accomplish what we think they do.

So how do we deal with or talk about grades as parents without projecting our own feelings about our own achievement and intelligence onto our kids. We have some thoughts.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Detective

Wed, 09 Oct 2024 03:00:00 -0500

How do you validate your kid's feelings without validating their negative beliefs about themself? How do you remain curious and compassionate while also managing your own regulation?

Ultimately, we need to be detectives and get to figure out the underlying cause of the behavior. This can be easier said than done...

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Parenting is Hard

Wed, 25 Sep 2024 04:00:00 -0500

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Food for Thought

Wed, 18 Sep 2024 03:00:00 -0500

What do you do when people start talking to you kids about things or in ways you don't agree with? This episode explores when Lincoln's pediatrician made comments about his weight in front of him.

Say it with me: we do not comment on people's bodies!!!

There are absolutely ways to talk to kids about health, nutrition, food, and more in ways that shares information and guides behavior without shaming them or making them self conscious about how they look.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Guess Who's Back

Wed, 11 Sep 2024 04:00:00 -0500

We're back, baby!

We needed some time away for our own sanity, so now we're back and ready to keep sharing our conversations!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Replay: Expectations (Part 2)

Wed, 21 Feb 2024 04:00:00 -0600

We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.

In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior.

We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis.

If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'

Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids. Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Replay: Lower Your Expectations

Wed, 14 Feb 2024 03:00:00 -0600

This episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens.

Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting.

If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and that all behavior makes sense, then it's impossible to truly expect "good" behavior all the time. It is necessary to lower expectations if we truly believe they are always doing the best they can.

Many times parents shift the way we're practicing parenting (gentle, conscious, respectful, etc.) but we haven't shifted expectations at the same time, which makes it hard to make those two line up, and can lead to more difficulties feeling good about this approach and staying in the new kind of interventions.

Sometimes we come up with reasons for requiring kids to live up to our expectations when really it's more that we just want them to do what we say or think they should do.

Our kids will tell us, with their behavior, about the expectations we have for them. It's on us to listen to them, get curious about their behavior, and try to determine why they might be struggling consistently to meet certain expectations or follow through with certain tasks. Bottom line: an expectation is unrealistic if their behavior tells us they can't do it.

Because we drop the expectations, it allows us to stop chasing behaviors, because we no longer expect near perfection from our kids and can instead become more of a coach and supporter as opposed to a task driver.

Instead of identifying expectations, which are usually an either/or situation, what if we looked at this as goals, which is something we work towards together. As long as we have expectations for other people's behavior will always leave you feeling disappointed.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

All That Really Matters

Wed, 07 Feb 2024 04:00:00 -0600

The moral of this week's episode: Nothing matters other than your relationship with your child!

What doesn't matter: grades; behavior; attitude; sports
What does matter: Our relationship

My job as a parent isn't to control my kids' behavior, get them to act a certain way, make sure they're making other people comfortable. It's to show them love and acceptance and show them what a healthy, loving relationship is supposed to look like.

So much pressure is put on parents to make sure our kids act a certain way and don't get in trouble, which can feel really lonely and overwhelming.

Our kids are not equipped to handle responsibilities that were never meant to be theirs. They're not equipped to handle other people's emotions, behaviors, reactions, or expectations. They have their own stressors, challenges, and needs that might already be overwhelming to them, so adding anything to their plate is virtually impossible for them to manage on their own.

If you have a kid who's struggling - stop focusing on the behavior; shift your focus on the relationship. It can start to feel like the entire relationship is focused on the negative, making it hard to even want to be around one another. If you can refocus on enjoying each other and improving the relationship, the rest will come.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Knowledge Is Power

Wed, 31 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

How do we treat our kids like full human people without treating them like adults and forcing them to grow up too quickly. Let's talk about it!

Treating our kids like full people simply means that we welcome all of their humanness and don't try to minimize or talk them out of their experiences. It means that they deserve as much respect as any adult.

There is not a topic that's off limits with my kids. There is a spectrum of the amount, intensity, and way information is shared.

For hard topics:
Tell the truth
Follow their lead
Share what's developmentally appropriate
Welcome follow up conversations

The amount of information we share with our kids grows with them as they age. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing the minute they become curious about a certain topic.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Not Quite Done Yet

Wed, 24 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

This episode finishes our conversation about bias, inclusion, and how our brains are wired for sameness , making these changes hard.

In order to start to change our unconscious beliefs, we first have to bring it into our conscious awareness so we can then override those that are unhealthy, dangerous, wrong, etc.

We have to consciously choose to access the parts of our brains that challenge our biases and help us develop new pathways regarding people and situations that are "other."

Interactions with "others" gives opportunities to challenge our unconscious beliefs about them

Our brains default to the easiest, fastest associations possible, to preserve energy. Sometimes this makes us rely on stereotypes and deny experiences that might challenge them.

I want my kids' beliefs to be based on their actual experiences with people who are other than them instead of relying on the fear or discomfort associated with being near different people.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Unconscious Bias

Wed, 17 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

This episode talks about what can sometimes be a taboo or hard topic: bias, diversity, and race. We utilize science to talk through how our brains are wired for sameness and build bias into our system, in order to protect us.

For more information about this topic, check out this book, that we used to start our conversation. Understanding the science can help take the shame and judgment out of this topic, which can then make it easier to have productive conversations.

Our brains are designed to identify and empathize more with people who look like us. Our conscious beliefs and what we would say about people who are different than us, are often different from the unconscious signals our brains send us when we are exposed to differences.

It's not possible to not have any biases; it's built into our brains!

All of our experiences are either lessening or strengthening the biases we have naturally. As a parent, I want to pay attention to how I talk about "others," so my kids don't pick up on my biases and so it won't reinforce the differences their brain is recognizing.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

We Back

Wed, 10 Jan 2024 03:00:00 -0600

Guess who's back!!! We're slowly getting back into the swing of things with our first episode of the new year! This episode talks about several topics and situations we encountered over the last few weeks and different approaches and suggestions for dealing with them.

Anxiety isn't something that we can simply overpower. It has to be managed and processed in a way that honors it, validates it, and teaches our kids ways to manage it on their own.

Forcing kids to repair with their peers can teach them to ignore the fact that they were mistreated. This isn't the goal for parents, and we want our kids to avoid being hurt by their friends, but it's also important for them to learn how they should be treated, how to communicate that, how to take a break, and the importance of leaving relationships that aren't healthy.

The abuse of children does not discriminate. It can reach every race, religion, gender, socioeconomic status, and more. It's important that we as parents stay vigilant and do what we can to keep them safe and also develop relationships that are strong enough to combat any abuse that might happen to them.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

My Way or the Highway

Wed, 22 Nov 2023 04:00:00 -0600

It's our last episode of 2023!! This one talks through various topics, including lying, managing big behaviors, and managing different opinions of family members.

You can hear our episode on lying here and the episode when Lincoln had a hard interaction with his teacher here.

Bottom line: Give people grace and approach behavior with curiosity.

If you're looking for more information on parenting differences, that one can be found here.

What are your non-negotiables? What is reasonable to expect from others?

It's also important to remember the difference between boundaries and requests or demands. Boundaries are something I do, in response to something else. Requests or demands are things I ask of other people. Imposing a boundary requires nothing from the other person. Requests or demands expects others to change their behavior.

In a perfect world, we would have an open dialogue full of information sharing and discussion of perspectives, in order to both feel comfortable parenting our kids. If it's not, we can set a boundary with other people.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

If/Then

Wed, 15 Nov 2023 04:00:00 -0600

Last week was all about learning what our attachment style is, now this episode takes about what to do about it.

We have no control over how our attachment is developed. We do have control over how we adjust moving forward.

Attachment healing can only happen within relationship.

To change attachment the patterns first have to come into our awareness.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Getting to Know You

Wed, 08 Nov 2023 04:00:00 -0600

This episode talks about adult attachmen styles, which is important for us to learn, so we can understand how we relate to others, including our children.

We need to normalize all attachment styles, while also understanding that we can work toward being secure.

Our comfort level with and willingness to allow closeness and intimacy determines our attachmen style in adulthood.

Recognizing how our insecure attachment can be so easily passed down to our kids through our interactions, and deciding to try to do things differently even a little bit, is how generational cycles are broken and we actually achieve better for our kids.

If you're interested in learning what your own attachmen style is, take this quiz here.

If you're interested in more information about this topic, check out this episode here, here, here, and here.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Our Healing

Wed, 01 Nov 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode dives deeper into the relationship between parents and adult children. What do those relationships look like now? What if parents aren't able to do what you need? How do you know if you're ready to have hard conversations?

For adult children, true healing can only come when we stop being dependent on our parents for our validation, regulation, and wellbeing. If our parents weren't able to meet those needs in our childhood, it's unlikely they'll be able to do it differently when we're adults.

We're created to want connection with our attachment figures, even if that isn't terribly healthy, safe, or secure.

As adult children, we can often see our parents' patterns and challenges more clearly, but that doesn't mean they can see it the same way. Seeing this clearly can make us more empathetic but can also increase our anger and misunderstanding because they're not doing what we think they should.

For many parents, the thought of unpacking the generational components and trauma feels overwhelming, so it becomes easier to just avoid it completely.

We have to get to a point where we believe: I don't need it; I'm not dependent on it; I will be ok without it; I will heal without it.

When we feel ourselves slip into old, unhealthy attachment patterns, we need to be able to step away and return later.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That

Wed, 25 Oct 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode is a little bit of everything, all based on situations happening in Leah's house.

How do we validate anxiety without contributing to it? How do we challenge unhealthy thoughts without being invalidating? How do we just sit in the discomfort with them?

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Let Them Struggle

Wed, 18 Oct 2023 04:00:00 -0500

All parents desperately want to protect their kids, which is a great and noble goal. At the same time, overly protecting our kids in certain areas can stunt their growth and development in important ways.

Many times the concept of protection allows us to control behaviors in ways that make us feel more justified.

Areas in which we protect our kids in inappropriate ways:

Physical - find ways to let your kids explore and engage in risky behaviors
Social - it's part of relationships to be hurt, rejected, and criticized. Protecting kids from these experiences prevents them from learning how to manage
Information - I'd rather talk about information my kids hear as opposed to trying to control the type or amount of information they get
Emotions - Hard emotions are a part of life and kids have to experience them to learn how to navigate them
Problems & Consequences - Kids can only learn problem solving, communication, strategies, and more if they face problems head on and we help them learn how to figure out an appropriate solution.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Parenting Adult Children

Wed, 04 Oct 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This one is for parents of adult children, who might be learning about this type of parenting and information for the first time. How do you talk about what you wish you'd done differently? How do you repair what you now see as ruptures?

Ultimately, everyone wants to be validated, which is not the same as acceptance. We all have our own experience, and just because it's different than your experience, doesn't mean it's wrong.

1. Validate
2. Listen to understand
3. Guard against defensiveness
4. Apologize when appropriate

These conversations can be really healing if both parties come to the table with positive intent.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Adoption

Wed, 27 Sep 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Adoption is beautiful, necessary, and important. It's also hard and often misunderstood. This episode talks about some important ways adoption is misunderstood and how to think about it in a way that might be helpful.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Replay: Attachment

Wed, 20 Sep 2023 04:00:00 -0500

In this episode, we FINALLY talk about attachment, Leah's first love and truly what guides everything she does as a parent and a person.

Attachment is a reciprocal relationship between people and begins to develop in utero and continues throughout childhood, but particularly in the first three years of life. As we respond to our babies in distress, we start to hardwire their thoughts and beliefs about themselves, other people, and the world around them.

Over time, our responses to our babies change, largely when they become mobile and develop language but remain incredibly important to continue to teach them that they are safe, people will take care of them and protect them, and the world is a safe place in which they can develop, explore, and grow.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Replay: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks about consequences, which usually means punishment and often doesn't address the actual problem or behavior. People use these words interchangeably, but they actually are very different.

Many people only know two ways to change or manage behavior: rewards or punishment.

We believe that misbehavior is a sign of a need or a missing skill or a desire for connection, which means imposed consequences are not effective in actually fixing any of those problems.

Attempting to impose consequences can very often create a power struggle, because we can only "force" our kids to follow through by using fear, threats, or manipulation. It's important to avoid putting yourself in a position where you can't guarantee cooperation or follow through.

If your goal for imposing consequences is truly to TEACH your kids how to do better, think about how you would teach them to read. If you wouldn't do it to teach them academically, then it probably isn't actually going to teach them how to have better behavior.

There seems to be a group of parents who either think kids always know how to do the right thing, so the consequence has to hurt, which doesn't truly take child development into account. Demanding our kids behave in ways they're not developmentally able to and then punishing them for falling short leads to shame, low self-esteem, guilt, and increased bad behavior.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Fill My Cup

Wed, 06 Sep 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Last week we talked about what zaps our resources, and this week we build on that conversation talking about how to build resources and think of resourcing as a verb.

In the therapy world, resourcing someone means we're giving people tools to be able to manage the stress and dysregulation that often comes from stres and trauma. Effectively, we want to do the same thing with our kids, giving them tools to know how to handle the stress they experience, even if we don't understand or agree with the stress.

If our kids don't have the resources to cope with certain situations, then it's our job to help them build those.

To help kids build their resources, we can help them recognize when they're overwhelmed or dysregulated. Then, give them some options of things to try to help them feel better. Ask them again how they feel and if the tool they used helped them recover. Once you have something that works, prompt them when they start to get overwhelmed so they can learn to use those tools on their own.

Ways to replenish resources:

Connection
Time Alone
Play
Sleep
Physical Touch
Dancing
Routine
Sensory Activities

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

No More Resources

Wed, 30 Aug 2023 04:00:00 -0500

We all know when our kids are out of resources and can't handle anything. It can be challenging though to know how to respond in those situations.

Things that zap our resources:
Hunger
Fatigue
Pain
Decision making
Heavy effort
Punishment
Lack of connection

It's ok to lower demands and expectations when you see your kids are out of resources.

When they're out of resources, we want our kids to learn how to:
Recognize what's happening
Communicate that to their people
Regulate their behavior
Replenish their resources

Removing demands when our kids are struggling is one of the best ways to take care of them.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Problem Solving

Wed, 23 Aug 2023 04:00:00 -0500

One of the most important skills our kids can learn is problem solving! Lots of research has shown it leads to better academic performance, self-esteem, and social skills. This episode talks through this information and gives ideas for how to develop this skill in our kids.

Problem solving comes from the prefrontal cortex, which is the last part of our brain to develop. But when we're in a stress response, that part of our brain is not working as well as it can, making problem solving hard. This process happens outside of our awareness and is largely not in our control.

As adults, we learn different tips and tricks to remind ourselves of different things and make sure our problem solving and decision making are functioning. Our kids don't have those skills...yet. So, we should expect that our kids will forget almost everything and screw up when they're trying every new thing.

The mistake we make as parents is TELLING them how to fix something or do it better, instead of letting them figure out, "What do you want to do differently."

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Replay: It's About Us

Wed, 16 Aug 2023 04:00:00 -0500

In this episode from 2022 Leah does her own work, in front of everyone. Illustrated by an interaction with her 9-year-old, she works through her own history and how it impacts her responses to her own children.

We often assign very negative intentions, motives, and behaviors to our kids when they are incredibly young, setting the stage to maintain these negative beliefs about them as they age.

The messages we got as children seems to determine the negative attributes we assign our kids. As a child, if we were taught that we had to listen to adults because they always knew better, and if we didn't we were labeled as disrespectful/sinful/ungrateful, then those are thoughts we will very easily have about our kids when they engage in the same behavior.

Even when I can recognize how unhealthy my childhood messages were for me, those same thoughts are almost automatic when my kids engage in negative behaviors.

Traditional parenting puts all the burden on our kids, focusing soley on how they behave and what they did that was inappropriate. This type of parenting flips that on its head and recognizes that how we respond and react as parents is actually what impacts the nature of those interactions and our relationships with our kids!

When we think we're not able to do this type of parenting because we keep getting triggered and respond in ways we don't want to, we believe: "YOU'RE DOING IT!" The process of being triggered, responding, and assessing how it went and how we want it to go differently, is how you do this and start to make changes!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

I'm so Proud of You

Wed, 09 Aug 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks through how the successes and challenges of our kids say nothing about us as parents, even though many of us feel like it does and let this drive our response and parenting style.

We all have different areas that are important to us as parents and that we focus on and struggle to find our worth as a parent. These might include:
1. Sports
2. Academics
3. Clothing
4. Behavior

If you find your worth in these areas, then when your kid struggles, you have a higher likelihood of punishing, shaming, or becoming punitive in response to that behavior.

What you celebrate or praise is how you communicate what you value. Even if you aren't giving direct praise or recognition, what are you putting on the refrigerator, how are you celebrating successes, what kinds of success are you telling your family members about? These little differences communicate to our kids that we celebrate or value them more when they perform.

What can you do differently?
1. Tell them how proud they should be of themselves
2. Praise their effort, not the performance
3. Tell them you're proud of them when it's not tied to any performance or success

It is not our kid's job to make us feel like a success as a parent.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

What Are You Really Angry About?

Wed, 02 Aug 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Is it anger or something else? Parenting anger is so tricky and something we often don't know how to manage or discipline. In this episode we talk through it all.

Kids need to learn ways to manage ALL emotions, not just anger. When we single out anger we lose sight of the overarching skill kids need.

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion nd there's something under the surface that's causing us to appear and act angry.

When we teach our kids that we always want them to share their thoughts and feelings, that means they'll do it the same way whether we're at home by ourselves or in a crowded room.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Still Learning

Wed, 26 Jul 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Today we talk about the ongoing reactions and hard behaviors with Leah's 10-year-old son and she is trying to navigate it and make sense of his behavior and their relationship.

Going through challening seasons with our kids can be really challenging, even when we've adopted this new way of parenting and see their behavior through a new, more respectful lens. It's ok to be burnt out and need extra time and support.

Our kids are learning new skills and ways of being and that will always be messy. We can keep helping them learn, "not like that," while showing them a new way.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Parent Yourself

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 04:00:00 -0500

It seems to be harder and harder for parents to manage their emotions, and this episode talks through why that is and what we can actually do to try to develop skills to manage ourselves when we're triggered and dysregulated.

Most of the time when we lose control and feel dysregulated, it's happening outside of our awareness. So the first step to be able to effectively manage our emotions is to have awareness about what's happening. Our brains go through the same thing as our kids when we get triggered, and understanding this can allow us more grace to continue to learn how to make changes. Steps to start this process:
1. Notice times you're being triggered - do a debrief
2. Investigate what you're telling yourself about the situation, your child, or yourself
3. Rethink what you actually believe and want to tell yourself

The actual emotional regulation part requires you to
1. Practice management in relatively peaceful times
2. Tell everyone what you're doing and ask for help
3. Increase interoception - how do you know you're starting to get triggered and how do you know you're starting to calm

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

What The

Wed, 12 Jul 2023 04:00:00 -0500

In case you mistakenly thought we've got it all together, this episode will say you straight! We talk through lots of situations that hopefully build a sense of community and an understanding that we're all in this together!

This podcast episode talks through in more detail the concept of guilt and how we can tell if what we're experiencing is actual guilt or something else.

If you want more insight into how to talk to kids about hard things, check out this post on instagram too.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

New Parents

Wed, 05 Jul 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode includes Leah's top 10 tips or suggestions for first time parents, or even second or third time parents.

1. Trust your gut
2. Set boundaries if you need to
3. Each awful stage is just that, a stage
4. Find support
5. Find time for yourself
6. Let your parenting style evolve
7. When in doubt, connect
8. You only have to be good 30% of the time
9. Prepare to do your own work
10. Enjoy it

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Replay: Tantrum

Wed, 28 Jun 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Today's a replay because, life. This is one of our most downloaded episodes all about every parent's favorite topic: tantrums

Tantrums can be one of the most challenging things to manage as a parent. They seem to come out of nowhere and can feel almost impossible to stop. This episode talks through some of the science behind tantrums and what parents can do to try to manage them a little better!

It's important to remember that tantrums are a healthy, normal part of a child's development. They allow young children to express their feelings and learn new ways to manage them, even when the behavior that comes with the tantrum is frustrating and overwhelming for us as parents.

To help navigate tantrums a little more effectively:
1. Manage yourself first
2. Don't try to stop it
3. Validate emotions
4. Stay present
5. Hold the boundary

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Blind Obedience

Wed, 21 Jun 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode is part 2 of our discussions about the Shiny Happy People documentary, and goes over the flip side of authority which is blind obedience.

The idea of obedience pervades our society and is usually the barometer people use to demonstrate the 'goodness' of kids. Kids aren't 'good' just because they do what other people say.

When we tell kids how good or bad they are, we often teach them that if they're bad they lose relationships, they aren't wanted as much, they lose friends, they can't do certain things, or worse. It doesn't give kids room to get better, particularly those who aren't always capable of being 'good' for different reasons, such as ADHD, autism, neurodivergence, stress, hunger, etc.

Kids will believe you if you keep telling them they're 'bad' and adopt that identity. This can impact self-esteem, social skills, and behavior.

How do we define good people, even as adults? We would all have different answers and that's the goal of parenting for us. What makes kids good is only if you obey, which is not how we define it in adulthood.

Character qualities only develop through work, failure, and experiences. When we only want to make kids obey, we take those opportunities away from them, so they can't develop the character muscles that are so important as they age.

Relying on blind obedience grows kids who always need someone to tell them what to do. This doesn't actually develop them as people, it only teaches them to obey authority and shut down their own thoughts and feelings.

Obedience is not a character trait! It's behavior.

Misbehavior is actually kids learning how to develop the skills we want them to have. They have to work them out in ways that are hard and disrespectful and challenging.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Ultimate Authority

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 04:00:00 -0500

If you've watched the new documentary, Shiny Happy People, then this episode is for you! We talk through the idea of authority and how dangerous it is to teach kids to follow and obey all authority, no matter what.

The idea of authority will always increase the risk of abuse. When we think about how we want our kids to react if they're being abused, including kicking, yelling, biting, sayng no, then we have to help them learn how to react similar ways when they're not being abused.

I will always back my kids up if they feel like they need to challenge someone in authority over them.

Almost all abuse of children is perpetrated by people in authority over them and people they know well. This means kids have to know how to challenge people in authority over them and tell us when something doesn't feel right, no matter who the person is.

When our kids aren't allowed to have an opinion or reaction to a directive being given, they will not be able to learn how to discern what is good or appropriate. This skill has to be taught, and that has to start with challenging our authority and directives as parents.

Parents are squandering the best tool we have to keep kids safe for the sake of obedience.
Kids have the same ability to feel unsafe around certain people. Their feelings or uncertainty can come out in lots of different ways - anger, frustration, withdrawal, not wanting to go somewhere, etc. Our job as parents is to listen to them and help them learn to listen to their system and give them control over themselves in those situations.

When it comes to things kids can't communicate clearly, we need to trust their systems and believe they know what is best for them in those moments.

I regularly think about not disrespecting my kids, just like I don't want them to disrespect me.

Parents would die to keep kids safe; but would you let them tell you 'no'?

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Curfews

Wed, 07 Jun 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode keeps it simple, talking about curfews and how to establish and maintain them for kids as they get older.

How do we establish curfews? Do we set them arbitrarily? What would happen if we just let kids decide when to come home on their own?

What's the purpose of a curfew? To make sure kids get enough sleep? To keep kids safe? To teach them how to make good choices?

Does a curfew really keep kids safe or teach them how to make good decisions? They can get in just as much trouble at 8pm as they can at 1am.

We want to teach kids to make healthy decisions, do the right thing, stand up for what's right, etc. starting when they're young, not only between the ages of 16 and 18 when they need a curfew.

I want my kids to make mistakes while they have the safety net of living at home.
When our kids turn 18, we automatically control nothing. If they don't have any freedom for years leading up to that, there's no way they'll know how to navigate the change.

Consider this if you're going to impose a curfew: Try to make it flexible and allow collaboration whenever possible. Develop the curfew together, based on what everyone thinks is appropriate. Try to say yes as much as possible, instead of looking for ways to say no.

A strict curfew almost always pushes kids to be sneaky, which is where the risk often comes in. Instead focus on ways to help them learn important skills - time management, fighting peer pressure, meeting responibilities, etc.

Kids have curfews for 2 years of their life and will never again. So what's the point? :)

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Fear-Based Motivation

Wed, 31 May 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks about fear-based parenting and the specific neurobiology of fear.

Some parents talk about how their kids have "healthy fear" of them, which makes them behave themselves. But really, the only healthy fear is the fear that helps keep us alive.

Brain science teaches us what happens in our brains when we're faced with threat - Can I outrun this? Can I beat this? Then you would fight or flight. If you can't do either of those things to stay alive, then you have to come up with a different plan, which often means simple compliance.

When our brain is triggered by fear, our thinking brain goes offline and regualtion can only happen when it comes back online and can help manage our emotions and behaviors.

You cannot create fear in a child without initiating their stress response.

In the beginning of fear-based parenting, your child may try fight or flight first, as their body's stress response has prompted them to try to stay safe through fighting or running away. This often leads parents to dig in and increase fear, punishment, shame, etc. to teach their system that they cannot win the fight or run away. This causes them to shift into a different stress response, which then starts to look like compliance. Parents often think this means the technique is "working," but it's actually a different stress response that they have learned is the best way for them to keep themselves safe.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Death 'N' Dyin'

Wed, 24 May 2023 04:00:00 -0500

How do you talk to you kids about death and dying? What do you do about funerals? How do you help them cope? This episode answers all these questions and more, trying to help us support our kids during really challenging times.

Kids cannot fully understand death and its finality until they are 8 or 9 years old. This makes it difficult for them to process death and react in ways that feel appropriate to us as adults.

To help kids with death:

Be completely honest
Don't try to control their response
Be prepared for it to take a long time
Let them create a memory or memorial
Give them choice, whenever possible

You need to be willing to answer all the questions your kids have about death or the person who died. You also need to respect their communication that they cannot tolerate additional information, and understand information may need to be shared in small doses.

Our kids will not have the same reaction to losing a loved one as we do as adults. This is largely based on their level of relationship, how often they see them, how old they are, etc.

Around here, we would never force a child to attend a funeral if they didn't want to go.
If they are going to go, prep them for what they're going to see - open casket, family, etc. You can come up with a plan for them to leave if they get overwhelmed.

It's ok to share out emotions with our kids. They can see us crying or upset, and trying to convince them that's not true can be really confusing and make it hard for them to learn to express their own emotions. Death and Loss cannot be made better. They're hard. Instead of trying to make it go away, we instead can teach them to get through it and find their own way of grieving.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

Wed, 17 May 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Let Them Be Who They Are

Wed, 10 May 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode is basically two scenarios that happened in Leah's house this week that illustrate lots of things we talk about on a regular basis. Apologizing, rupture and repair, and letting our kids be who they are.

To apologize, there is no room for justifying our negative behaviors as parents. There can be no, "you made me mad," or " it was because you did...." The ruptures in our relationships are healthy and inevitable. The repair is where the learning, growth, and attunement can happen.

As parents, it's easy to feel bad out ourselves when we lose our temper or respond in ways we don't like, and if we sit in that rupture, it can feel overwhelming. But repairing with our kids helps us all get back to a place of connection, which is a great lesson in relationships for our kids. We both can do the wrong thing in our interactions, but I can only be responsible for myself and take accountability for my own actions.

We talk about this episode again of the For the Love Podcast, and Dr. Tsabary talks about the error we make as parents to try to make our kids into something we want them to be or believe they should be. We just need to get out of their way! Their personalities and ways of being are already engrained into who they are, and our goal needs to be to become their secure base and safe place for growth and exploration.

The goal is to SHAPE our kids, not change them. We want to help them learn how to manage their temperament, personality, approach, thought process, etc. in ways that are constructive and healthy as they age.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Tell Me Anything

Wed, 03 May 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode was at the request of Beka, after seeing a TikTok video talking about "attention-seeking" behaviors. It's important to remember that wanting attention is not a problem and is even a biological need our kids have and has to be met in order for our relationships to be strong and supportive.

If you want other information about connection and relationships, check out the episodes here and here.

Attention seeking behavior changes as our kids age, but the function is always the same: a need for connection and to be seen and validated.

Babies are not purposefully manipulating you with their behavior. We often think that it says something bad about us as parents if we "allow" our kids to manipulate us. They are simply getting their needs met.

Toddlers and early childhood turns into impulsive behaviors, making messes, aggression toward siblings, etc. We teach our kids how we'll respond to behaviors that inconvenience us throughout their childhood, so they change their behavior to get their needs met based on what they've learned.

Another episode of Jen Hatmaker's podcast talks through this idea even more, understanding that parents don't always know what they're doing and are not always the experts in the relationship.

Pre-adolescence brings new challenges and attention seeking behavior can be a constant desire for acknowledgement and being seen. They're worried about their peers, academic pressure, wanting to know information, etc.

And then teenagers often struggle even more: they still need us but want to be independent. They can be internalizers or externalizers, but the function is often the same - wanting to be seen and validated.

Instead of ignoring the attention seeking behavior - do the opposite: LEAN IN! Give them what they need and work with them to find different ways to ask for and get what they need. Give attention when they're not asking for it in a negative way.

Telling our kids they can tell us anything means nothing if we've reacted in ways that shut them down, invalidted their experiences, or minimized their reactions. Kids learn through experiences, not words.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Desire for Rewards

Wed, 26 Apr 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Why do we continue to use the sticker charts? They're so common and often suggested for parents and teachers, even though we have so much information about some of the negative effects of token economies. This episode talks through this concept and different ways to change behaviors and motivate our kids.

A quote on the CDC's website talks about how rewards make both parents and kids happy. This isn't really our goal or something we seek as far as wanting our kids to be responsible for our happiness or to only be happy because they're getting something they like.

So many sites also indicate that reward charts and behavior programs increase self esteem. This seems counter intuitive, because it sounds like self esteem is boosted because someone else is happy or because they got something they wanted.

You cannot have a reward system without it also being a punishment system. If you can earn something, then you have to be able to not get it or lose it, which feels like a punishment. This can cause the focus to be on negative behaviors and compare behaviors to others.

Behavior charts fail to get underneath a behavior. The assumption is that the kids are making choices to behave badly and they simply need motivation. There is no room to ask the questions: do they know how to do this? Do they have the skills? Are they regulated enough? Are they safe enough?

Behavior charts cause external motivation and prevent intrinsic motivation, causing kids to appear manipulative, which is also problematic.

Rewards for behavior are particularly problematic when what they can earn is relationships with special people or additional time. This teaches kids that relationships are transcational and love and care is attached to your behavior and if you're naughty enough no one will want to be around you.

Ultimately, CONNECTION is the sticker. Connection is the antecdote and the tool to actually improve behavior. There is a place to implement boundaries and make sure our own emotional and relational needs are met as a parent, but this can be implemented without withholding connection in response to negative behaviors.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Unconscious Mind

Wed, 19 Apr 2023 04:00:00 -0500

We were due for a really nerdy episode, so this is it! Internal working models are a common concept in attachment theory and are really critical for how we develop our own beliefs and stories as we age.

The information in this episode comes, at least in part, from this episode of a different podcast. Internal working models generally mean our innermost beliefs, ideas, and stories about ourselves, other people, and the world. They're developed, at least in part, within the first 3-5 years of life.

Kids change their behavior based on 2 questions: What bring people closer? What pushes them away? They mold their behavior to get their needs met and answer those questions. Most internal working models don't have language to them, they exhib themselves through behaviors. As kids age and develop language, they then attach language to the behaviors they demonstrate, creating 'stories' about what their beliefs mean.

The way you interact in relationships as an adult is probably how you got connection as a child.

Parents need to be as curious about our own behavior as we are about our kids'. We need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to them and give grace to everyone!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Replay: Mental Health

Wed, 12 Apr 2023 04:00:00 -0500

With spring break traveling and other life things, we decided to replay our episode discussing mental health. We thought it was relevant with everything going on in our world, so we hope you enjoy!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Multiple Conversations

Wed, 05 Apr 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode is a bit all over the place - we cover a listener question about a 4 year old who is focusing too much on a boy in her classroom who professed his like for her. And in a hard left turn, we talk more about mental health in light of the Nashville shooting last week.

So many of us grew up with a focus on relationships - Disney movies, relationships, etc. and we as parents are trying to make sure our young kids aren't focused on these types of relationships and are just learning to interact with peers in a healthy way.
1. Try to understand what they think the words mean
2. Talk about all kinds of friendships
3. Pay attention to the subliminal messages being sent
4. Watch the type of media being consumed
5. Enlist help

Constantly asking about relationships, how many people kids like or like them starts to teach them that their worth is tied to how many people like them or how many girlfriends someone has. This sets our little kids up for unhealthy ideas about relationships, self-worth, sex, and more. The goal is teaching our kids to have healthy relationships.

And now the shooting....
Those of us in the mental health field get really frustrated with all the conversations about mental health when something like this most recent shooting happen. Different labels get thrown around, solutions get proposed that aren't possible or don't fit with our current system, and really damaging statements get made regarding people struggling with mental health.

Things to consider if you think we should just institutionalize more people with mental health concerns:
1. Where will they go? Does your state have enough beds in mental health facilities?
2. For what are you willing to take away someone's right to freedom?
3. Who decides when someone should be institutionalized? Who decides when they are released?
4. Who's going to pay for this? Who pays for the professional staffing the institutions?
5. What's the criteria? A diagnosis? Certain behaviors? What will this do for awareness and transparency?

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Getting Ready For School

Wed, 29 Mar 2023 04:00:00 -0500

How do you know your young child is ready for school? What if they don't want to go? How do you handle drop off? We're answering all the questions in this episode!

Find a school you feel good about and examine how ready your kids are to go to school.

Prep, prep, prep: avoid "I'm not going to tell him until the day before so he won't worry about it." This almost never works and misses the opportunity to let them express and it's their big feelings.

Your kids are going to cry at drop off. That's normal and should be expected.

Don't try to talk them out of their feelings or convince them they're going to love school. Just let the big feelings come. They can be nervous, scared, or sad and get through it. Our job is to help them develop the language and make connections for what happens when they have big emotions but it turns out ok.

Teachers generally know if your child's behavior is different from other kids their age.

Teachers are doing the Lord's work and deserve all our respect and care. You have the right to ask questions or address concerns, but always, always with kindness.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Friends

Wed, 22 Mar 2023 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks through ways to help your kid with social interactions, coach them on how to be a good friend, and teach them how they should be treated in relationships.

As always, validate their feelings about their peers, even if it's unkind or inappropriate. Give them space to share their experiences, questions, and relationships.

It's important to help kids take the perspective of others, which can develop new ways of dealing with social problems. Avoid giving directives for how a problem should be solved and instead help them think through situations and develop solutions on their own.

Our behavior impacts others, but we are not responsible for other people's reactions or feelings. This can lead to people pleasing and an inability to put your own needs ahead of those around you.

Never never bad mouth your kid's friends. Attempting to control our kids'friendships doesn't teach them how to navigate all the social problems and learn new ways of interacting.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Expectations (Part 2)

Wed, 15 Mar 2023 04:00:00 -0500

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Lower Your Expectations

Wed, 08 Mar 2023 04:00:00 -0600

This episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens.

Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting.

If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and that all behavior makes sense, then it's impossible to truly expect "good" behavior all the time. It is necessary to lower expectations if we truly believe they are always doing the best they can.

Many times parents shift the way we're practicing parenting (gentle, conscious, respectful, etc.) but we haven't shifted expectations at the same time, which makes it hard to make those two line up, and can lead to more difficulties feeling good about this approach and staying in the new kind of interventions.

Sometimes we come up with reasons for requiring kids to live up to our expectations when really it's more that we just want them to do what we say or think they should do.

Our kids will tell us, with their behavior, about the expectations we have for them. It's on us to listen to them, get curious about their behavior, and try to determine why they might be struggling consistently to meet certain expectations or follow through with certain tasks. Bottom line: an expectation is unrealistic if their behavior tells us they can't do it.

Becasue we drop the expectations, it allows us to stop chasing behaviors, because we no longer expect near perfection from our kids and can instead become more of a coach and supporter as opposed to a task driver.

Instead of identifying expectations, which are usually an either/or situation, what if we looked at this as goals, which is something we work towards together. As long as we have expectations for other people's behaivor will always leave you feeling disappointed.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Neural Pathways

Wed, 01 Mar 2023 04:00:00 -0600

Neurons that fire together, wire together. It's important that the information we learn is cemented into our neural pathways so we can access it, even during times of stress. This episode talks through the neuroscience and how to strengthen our pathways in this way.

In times of stress, we go back to what we know. When stressed, your brain's only goal is to keep you safe and try to survive. We don't have additional energy to try new things, remember novel information, or learn something different. What always feels safest to us is being in control. That usually means punishment, yelling, manipulation, and coercion.

There's such a misunderstanding of power and control, and we often think that if we allow our kids to have control, that means they take ours or we don't have it anymore. This graphic gives a good illustration of a new concept in this understanding.

The need for control shifts from needing to control my kids to needing to control myself.

To strengthen our neural pathways:
1. Choose one behavior
2. Think about it, plan it out in your mind, rehearse a different response, read about it, listen to podasts
3. Put it into practice

Over time, those different neural pathways will start to take over the old ones and make it easier to feel good about the changes we're making and give us a new foundation to build on and add other behaviors.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Connection

Wed, 22 Feb 2023 04:00:00 -0600

We all talk about needing to connect with our kids, but often seem to misunderstand what that means or how to do that in more challenging situations or difficult emotions. This episode talks through ways to dip a toe in their emotions while also pulling them back with us into their window of tolerance.

See Me: really seeing what they're doing, showing interest; imitating play with younger kids
Hear Me: actively listening, listening without correction or judgment; giving space for real conversation
Feel Me: Joining the feeling, no matter what it is; attune to emotions without letting them take you over

To truly pull our kids out of negative emotions or behaviors we have to join them where they are, with a toe in our own regulation, and bring them back with us into our window of tolerance. They can't regulate their emotions just by us telling, punishing, or shaming them into calm.

Regulated does not equal calm!

Different kids have different connection needs. Some need BIG (play, dance, excitement) while others needs small (physical touch, snuggling, calm).
Most of the negative behaviors of our kids is a result of seeking connection or feeling disconnected from their adults. This is why we want to always ask ourselves, "Is this giving them the connection they need? And are there other ways I can give them connection that are more positive, healthy, and safe?"

Some ideas of activities that can promote connection:
Nightly meetings
Board Games
Dance parties
Nerf gun battles
Physical touch
Notes in lunch boxes
Play

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Fear

Wed, 15 Feb 2023 03:00:00 -0600

So many of our kids have fears that are unrealistic and illogical, leaving us so confused as to how to respond, help support them, but move them past their fears in a clear way. This episode talks about all of this, and gives some other information or options to help navigate these issues.

Our kids' fears should be validated, without trying to talk them out of their fear or convince them that what they're scared of isn't truly scary.

Is fear the way kids have learned to get our attention, connection, or attunement? If so, we may need to look at our response as adults to make sure we're not contributing to the fear in some way.

Our kids' fears are often not logical, so we can't make them go away by using logic and reasoning or sharing information.

Play is how kids process and learn and can be a great tool for us to help them work through things that are hard.

The goal is never to make fear go away, but instead to help kids learn the difference between productive fear that keeps us safe and fear that keeps us stuck.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Let's Talk About Sex

Wed, 08 Feb 2023 04:00:00 -0600

It's not just sex. It's boundaries, reproduction, puberty, and yes, sex. These conversations are hard for most parents, and we're talking about it all!

Viewing hard topics through our adult eyes can lead us to oversexualize information, when kids do not assign it that meaning at all.

If your kids are asking questions, they need information. Avoid saying, 'you're too young for that,' 'we don't talk about that,' 'you don't need to know that,' or anything similar. Those responses don't make their questions go away, they just let them know that you, as their adult, are not the place they can go to get the answers.

Many of us have been taught that giving information steals their innocence, actually increases the likelihood of the behavior, etc. There is no evidence that this actually works this way, but is often used as an excuse so we don't have to have hard conversations.

Information should never scare us, especially when it's coming from us. Having all the information is the only way our kids can learn to make good decisions and choices and think through their own thoughts and feelings around all kinds of topics.

#1 goal: First, cause no shame! If this is the best we can do surrounding these topics, then we're already making progress and breaking cycles.

If you're looking for resources around this topic, here's a book for boys, and one for girls. We also recommend this Instagram account, with really great information and courses. For younger kids, here's a great book about touch that can be a great way to start these kinds of conversations.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

There's a New Kid in Town

Wed, 01 Feb 2023 04:00:00 -0600

This week's episode talks about how to manage bringing a new baby home when you have other kids. This is always tricky, but we have some suggestions and thoughts about other possibilities to make this a little easier.

If you have very young children, even after being prepared, cannot truly understand what having a new baby means or how it's going to impact them and their routine or relationships.

Ideas:
1. Prepare them as much as possible
2. Get them a gift from their new sibling
3. Be honest
4. Maintain routine
5. Create baby free zones
6. Involve them in the baby's care

EVERYTHING changes when we bring a new baby home, so we should expect their older siblings to really struggle

You may see a change in behavior for your older kids as the demands of your new baby change.

You can try to structure your time and routine in a way that allows you to have special time with your older child.

Jealousy and sadness about having a new baby in the home almost always come out as negative behaviors.

Regressive behaviors are extremely common because we've taught them that's how you get attention and nurturance. These behaviors are completely appropriate and don't need to be stopped or shamed at all.
1. Baby talk
2. Wanting to drink out of a bottle
3. Want to have a pacifier
4. Want to sleep in your room

Aggression towards the new baby is extremely normal and not a sign of a significant character flaw. They do not see babies as the most protected class or that they are somehow special and are simply trying to communicate their sadness and upset that their world has changed.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Ask Me A Question

Wed, 25 Jan 2023 04:00:00 -0600

This episode answers more listener questions, covering all kinds of topics.

When thinking about how to help our kids manage negative behaviors, there is an approach (The Nurtured Heart) that suggests that kids require different levels of energy from us, even when we're praising and validating them. You can here more about this idea in this podcast episode or this book.

The goal in responding to our kids' big emtions is not to make all negative emotions go away. There is growth and power in experiencing hard things and emotions and learning how to survive it and come out of it. Sometimes the only way to do this is to stay with them and let them move through it.

Just because negative behaviors are continuing, it doesn't mean your parenting approach 'isn't working' or is wrong. Just like we expect kids to struggle over time to learn to read, swim, walk, etc. we expect them to struggle to learn new ways to manage themselves over time.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Break the Cycle

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 04:00:00 -0600

The whole concept of this type of parenting is staying aware of our reactions as parents and having some insight into where those reactions come from and how we can make changes to respond to our kids in more healthy, respectful ways. This episode covers a specific example of how Leah is doing that work for herself with her son, and provides some ideas for ways to engage in our own healing work that can, in turn, change the trajectory of our children and our relationship with them.

We all want our kids to be successful, which often has components of academics, finances, careers, etc. It's important for us to pay attention to the messages we got about success and how we're using those messages to put pressure on our kids, even if we don't mean to. When our kids have negative views about themselves, it can be hard to validate their feelings without confirming their beliefs or contributing further to a lack of self-esteem.

When our response to our kids changes, it is usually a result of our own triggers and childhood messages, and something we need to pay attention to.

It is not the responsibility of our kids to pay the price for our childhood messages, triggers, or trauma.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

ADHD

Wed, 11 Jan 2023 04:00:00 -0600

We're back! After taking a much needed break, we're back to discuss one of the most common diagnoses for kids: ADHD.

There has been a significant increase in the number of ADHD diagnoses over the last 5-10 years, leading us to question: Is it really increasing? Are we getting better at diagnosing? Is there increased awareness? Are we overdiagnosing?

There is an increased awareness that ADHD-like symptoms are often the result of a disrupted attachment, largely due to the brain changes that happen when kids are faced with adverse experiences.

Ultimately, we still want to teach our kids skills and how to manage their difficulties more effectively. Many times, the things we medicate, diagnose, or address are those things that frustrate us as parents.

If you're looking for alternatives prior to, or in addition to medication to manage ADHD symptoms, here are some ideas:

planners/calendars
reminders
recording lectures
allow use of notes on tests
extra time for tests/quizzes
visual schedules/reminders
sit at front of class
noise cancelling headphones
listening to music
single step directions

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

Wed, 14 Dec 2022 04:00:00 -0600

This week goes over all the common holiday issues we often face with our kids, including unwanted touch, food, getting gifts, and boundaries!

Overall, let's lower our expectations - our kids are going to be a disaster. Give them (and yourself) grace!

I care more about my relationship with my kids and what they think about me than family members I see a couple times a year.

Kids should be in charge of their own bodies!

If adults get their feelings hurt because a small child doesn't want to hug/kiss them, that says more about that adult than it does about the child. It's not a child's responsibility to make sure the adults around them are comfortable and happy. If you need help with this, try:
1. Develop a plan with your kids beforehand
2. Carry your kids if they're small
3. Keep them close to run interference
4. Respond for them ("she doesn't want a hug right now")
5. Offer an alternative (fist bump/high five)

Do not touch a child who does not want to be touched!

If you're concerned about your kids opening gifts they won't like or not responding in the best way, here are some suggestions:
1. Prep them for gifts and ways they can respond honestly and appropriately
2. Speak for them if they're having a hard time
3. Ask if you can take the gifts and open them at home

If you're giving a gift simply for the reaction and praise/acknowledgement from someone, then that's not really a gift.

A couple thoughts about food:
1. Don't comment on how much or how little they're eating
2. Let them eat everything in whatever order they choose; no dessert only if you eat what's on your plate
3. Use natural consequence and prompt them to listen to their bodies
4. Be prepared for them to only eat rolls

If you feel like you need to set boundaries with family members for the holidays:
1. Understand your boundaries are important and valid
2. Prep family members and what your boundaries are and what your response will be if they're not honored
3. Hold

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Climb Every Mountain

Wed, 07 Dec 2022 04:00:00 -0600

My kid won't stop climbing everything!!! This week talks about a common issue parents face, particularly with young kids, but gives a different perspective on what might be driving this behavior in our littles.

What in the Week - while we want our kids to understand how their behavior impacts others, it's also important to help them understand that they are not responsible for the reactions and feelings of other people.

When all we do is chase the behavior of our kids instead of trying to understand the 'why,' we miss key opportunities to teach what to do when they feel similar ways in the future.

Now on to climbing.....a lot of the boundaries we put in place as parents use safety as the justification. The truth is, though, that our kids are usually appropriately exploring their environment, and our anxiety as adults convinces us they're unsafe, so we intervene.

Climbing is a very normal, typical part of development and kids climb for different reasons:
1. They're exploring their environment
2. It uses different muscle groups
3. It helps develop their sensory systems
4. It helps regulate them

Instinctually, kids know how to trust themselves, and their bodies send them signals when they are reaching their limits of exploration. Their bodies are designed to protect them, above all else. By overcommunicating our fear as adults, we don't allow them to listen to their bodies in this area, stunting the development of their understanding of themselves.

Our kids are much more likely to hurt themselves in more day to day activities. This source lists these activities:

Rollerblading or skateboarding
Playing on a playground
Trampoline use
Bicycling
Handball
Ice skating

Because climbing helps develop our proprioceptive and vestibular systems, it can also be regulatory for kids who need this type of sensory input. It's important to always look for the reason behind the behavior, and look for ways to meet their need in a more appropriate way, as opposed to simply try to make the behavior/need go away.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Conscious Manipulation

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0600

This week's episode talks through ways parents use dishonesty and threats to manipulate the behavior of their kids.

In this week's 'What in the Week,' we again talk through ways to hold boundaries for our kids while being gentle and validating the feelings and reactions to our kids. There's a difference in trying to manage how our kids feel about boundaries and managing their behavior. Gentle parenting does not allow kids to do whatever they want. It DOES allow kids to have whatever reaction and feeling they want.

For some reason, we feel validated in our dishonesty with our kids if it's meant to change their behavior, while also being incensed if our kids lie to us or use dishonest means to get their way or what they want.

If you try to impose a boundary you can't enforce, by definition you are practicing permissive parenting. It's also not healthy to use the threat of loss of relationship to manipulate the behavior or kids.

Ultimately, I am not trying to raise well behaved kids, I'm trying to raise healthy adults. If we protect our kids so much from making mistakes and messing up, we also insulate them from resiliency, problem solving, critical thinking, and repair. Eventually our kids are going to make mistakes, and we believe if they can do that in small ways while they have the support of their family and support system, their prognosis will be much better.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Wed, 23 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0600

On this episode, we have our very first guest: Leah's 9 year old son, Lincoln! He shares his unique perspective on ways grown ups can help our kids manage emotions and learn ways to handle stress.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Don't Take Your Love Away

Wed, 16 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0600

Many parents use their relationship as a bargaining chip and tool to manage their kids' behavior, which can be problematic. This episode talks through this strategy and some of the unintended consequences that might come as a result, and gives alternative ways to prioritize our relationship with our kids.

Often because we recognize how important attachment is for our kids, we then turn around and use that same attachment as a way to try to change kids' behavior and 'teach them a lesson.' This type of approach makes it almost impossible to feel safe and secure in relationships, which we know is required for kids to behave well and manage their emotions and behaviors.

Attempting to manipulate kids' behaivor by withholding love and connection can send really dangerous messages, that our relationship with them is dependent on their behavior, and if they don't meet our requirements, we'll withhold the very thing they so desperately crave.

Research is incredibly clear that kids learn through experiences as opposed to words. Connection, regulation, safety, and security cannot be taught and truly believed if we simply tell our kids about those concepts. They have to EXPERIENCE connection, safety, regulation, and security with us in order to believe that those concepts are true and can be trusted.

Relationship is ALWAYS the solution, not a tool to use to manipulate behavior.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Suicidal Thoughts

Wed, 09 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0600

This episode is tough, but important. After a local completed suicide by a teenager, we wanted to talk about lessons learned and ways to protect our kids as much as possible.

All of this information illustrates clearly the importance of starting to have hard conversations with your kids from an early age. The teenagers I talked to talked about how bad their mental health is and how their parents respond to them whenever they talk about their struggles. Overall, teenagers feel invalidated and unsupported by the adults around them and don't have an outlet to actually communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Teenagers are supposed to be selfish and self-centered and their struggles are always going to feel like it's the worst. Even if we as parents don't understand or believe what they're going through is hard or legitimate, we can respond with validation and support.

If you have a difficult relationship with your teenager, it's really hard for them to take you seriously and trust you when you act differently only when there's some kind of emergency or crisis. It's our responsibility as parents to make sure we're meeting our kids' attention and connection needs in healthy, safe ways, to hopefully minimize the need for them to get that in a more negative way.

The big things have to be ok with us as parents, and that starts when the "big" thing is that someone wouldn't sit beside them at lunch or their Pokemon cards. Everything is important to them and it's supposed to be, and it's crucial that what's important to them is important to me, always. If we only respond when what they're talking about reaches a level that we deem important as adults, we teach them we don't care about the other stuff.

It's important we're starting to have conversations with our kids, even when they're uncomfortable. We give some thoughts about how those conversations can go and how you can talk to your kids, without giving them all the details and information, and protecting them as much as possible.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Boundaries

Wed, 02 Nov 2022 04:00:00 -0500

We're back! We took a brief hiatus because of stuff going on in our lives, but we're excited to have a conversation about boundaries!!

Some people who don't understand this type of parenting believe there are no boundaries for our kids, and even parents who do parent this way struggle to know how to hold a boundary in a safe, connected, supportive way. If we can start to expect that our kids will have a negative reaction to the boundary, it can make it easier to respond with respect and connection as opposed to anger and coercion. Just expect your kids to hate the boundaries!

Parents often struggle to hold boundaries when:
1. We want to avoid their negative reactions
2. We don't have the energy
3. Their feelings are too much for us to handle

All of these reasons are valid and important to recognize and understand, because moving boundaries due to negative behavior is permissive parenting, and can be really detrimental to our relationship with our kids and makes it hard for them to know how to comply with expectations.

Our homes should be different than the rest of the world, and we don't accept that we have to mistreat our kids to prepare them for the worst of the world. It's like people need to be toughened up so they know how to be mistreated better. Instead we want kids to know how to advocate for themselves, end relationships with people who mistreat them, etc.

It is not our child's job to figure out how to not trigger you. It is your job to figure out how to not be triggered. Being triggered is our work to do and important that we learn how to respond to our kids even when we're triggered. There truly are ways to hold boundaries with empathy and validation, and that is really important as our kids age.

Allowing and expecting our kids to have reactions to our boundaries teaches our kids that their thoughts and feelings matter, and helps them learn ways to disagree respectfully, resolve conflict, share their opinions, etc. Check out this post that gives great insight into what our kids think about our interactions with them.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

REPLAY: One More Thing I Wished I'd Said

Wed, 26 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0500

In this episode, Leah finishes explaining Polyvagal Theory, and how the ladder helps us understand the state we and our kids are in - Safe and Connected, Fight or Flight, or Collapse/Shut down. The sisters talk about the importance of us staying in "Safe and Connected" so we can bring our kids with us, into the only state where they can actually hear us, listen to us, follow directions, and solve problems. We must pay attention to and insert cues of safety for our kids, such as tone of voice, posture, and facial expressions.

It's important that we remain a safe place for our kids, so we can hear the "stories" they tell themselves so we can correct them, validate them, and help them problem solve situations that are uncomfortable or difficult. As parents, we have to remain curious to uncover what their behavior is actually trying to communicate, and trust that if it doesn't make sense, their nervous system is doing what it thinks is best to keep them safe.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

REPLAY: She Blinded me with Science

Wed, 19 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0500

In this episode Leah really nerds out on the neuroscience associated with this type of parenting - did you know we have more than 5 senses?! She discusses several different theories and research, including the science of interoception, Allan Schore's paper on regulation and attachment, and Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory. While this information may be difficult to take in and fully understand, it also supports many of the ideas and interventions associated with parenting our kids from this perspective.

We want our kids to feel safe and connected, recognizing that the concept of neuroception means we're constantly scanning for danger. As parents, we don't want to be a sign of danger or feeling unsafe, requiring us to look at our response to our kids differently.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Teachers

Wed, 12 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0500

Where are our teachers? This episode is specifically for you! We've gotten questions about how you might implement this type of parenting/relationship building in a classroom, so we decided to talk about it!

Before we can talk about classroom management strategies, we HAVE to remember the brain science associated with our kids. If you're not familiar with that, listen here, here, and here! When kids (or adults) have flipped their lid, they are incapable of learning new information, making good choices, and processing language.

If you are contributing signs of danger to kids when they are dysregulated, their nervous systems will not allow them to calm or follow directions. Signs of danger include yelling, angry facial expressions, threatening body posture, etc. These responses to behavior will ALWAYS lead to increased dysregulation and more poor behavior.

1. Consider your non-negotiables - these should generally only be safety related (physical, emotional, social, academic safety)
2. If you are constantly triggered by the same behaviors, you may want to look at that for yourself and try to determine what is driving that feeling in you

Sometimes teachers feel like if they don't stay firm on everything, they might lose control and this is really more of a myth. The more boxed in people feel the more this will trigger their systems. The more flexibility and negotiation you can integrate into your classroom, the more kids will feel in control and responsible for themselves.

Our #1 tip for managing behavior in the classroom: LET KIDS LISTEN TO THEIR BODIES!!! Let them:

go tothe bathroom when they need to
eat when they're hungry
stand up when they need to
move around to regulate
take a break when needed

Discipline is a hot button topic in most schools and classrooms, with lots of differing opinions. In our opinion, behavior charts generally create shame, embarrassment, and guilt in kids, which research has shown does not actually change behaviors long term and can do more damage, particularly for the kids who struggle behaviorally. This is true even for adults, which has been identified here. If you want more information on how these charts and systems are problematic, check out this article, or this video.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Girls, Girls, Girls

Wed, 05 Oct 2022 04:00:00 -0500

This episode continues our discussion about gender and parenting, talking through how to raise resilient girls.

Overall, we want our daughters to own their voice and opinions, be confident in their thoughts and feelings, and to understand their worth and that it's not dependent on anyone else.

Similar to boys, we want to avoid most of the gender stereotypes, including clothing, toys, and activities. We always want to model healthy relationships and gender roles/norms. How you structure your family and divide responsibilities is not what's most important, but instead how you talk about those roles and responsibilities is what will teach your kids how to think about these activities.

It's very important that our girls learn that they are not responsible for the behavior of other people. This can start really small but grow as they age to make them responsible for the anger, sadness, violence, or assult of other people.

Research has clearly demonstrated the impact social media has on our girls and their self esteem, mental health, and social well being. Research has also shown that basic education about how social media works can help protect our girls from the negative effects of social media as they enter adolescence.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Boys Become Men

Wed, 28 Sep 2022 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks about some things to consider for those of us raising boys within this style of parenting.

Most of our boys get messages throughout their childhood that value strength, minimizing emotional expression, and leadership. This teaches them to ignore their emotions and the messages their body is sending, for the sake of appearing strong and in control.

Emotional intelligence has generally been determined to be greater in girls when compared to boys. We tend to expect heightened emotionality from our girls, and we often respond accordingly, which integrates those messages more and more.

We often celebrate strength, power, and toughness while minimzing emotions such as hurt, pain, embarrassment, or sadness, we teach them what is important and how one is better than the other. Without validating every emotion and allowing those to be expressed, we disconnect them from themselves, making it difficult for them to communicate, understand, and manage their emotions appropriately.

Many of the messages we send have a tendency to teach our boys that they are better than girls or girls are not as smart, strong, or capable than other boys or men. We have to throw away virtually all stereotypes, such as colors, toys, chores, etc. We also need to teach about healthy relationships - people are not allowed to touch their body if they don't want them to, and they should not touch another person if they don't want them to.

It's unrealistic to believe that the way our kids interact and process emotions, relationships, and behaviors can automatically change when our kids become adults. Neurons that fire together, wire together, so it's crucial for us to teach them healthy, appropriate ways of expressing themselves, communicating with others, and devloping healthy relationships.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Next Generation

Wed, 21 Sep 2022 04:00:00 -0500

In this episode Leah and Beka talk about their own parents - what they think about the podcast and gentle parenting, and how this process has impacted their relationship. We also discuss how to navigate relationships with family members who may not agree with everything "gentle parenting" related.

It's important to remember that families of origin have the greatest impact on kids, so even if your children are with other people or family members often, parents and guardians have the greatest influence. You can allow your family members to have their own relationships with your kids, while also setting boundaries around your non negotiables, such as spanking, shame, invalidating, etc.

We continue to believe that our parents did the absolute best with the information they had at the time and what they believed was right. At the same time, we also want to do some things differently based on the information we have now and what we believe is right.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Social Skills

Wed, 14 Sep 2022 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks about how social skills develop for our kids, and ways we can support them through that development!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Who Are Parents?

Wed, 07 Sep 2022 05:00:00 -0500

We believe that lots of people "parent" our kids, even if they're not their parents. This episode talks through some of the considerations with these scenarios and what to think about if you're "parenting" a child.

It's important to remember that a child's family of origin always has more influence over that child than anyone else, including relatives, peers, or teachers.

We make a distinction between LOGISTICS, like eating, screen time, etc. and FELT SAFETY like sleeping, bedtime, etc. Even if you don't agree with certain parenting practices of a child's parents, you can still enforce your own boundaries and expectations, as long as you recognise that you are not going to make significant changes in their behaviours or routines, especially if you're only with them short periods of time or infrequently.

As adults, we create environments for ourselves that are comfortable and convenient, but often refuse to allow our kids to do the same. As much as you can, you should let kids have control over what they're doing and how they want things to be structured.

We're patnering with the Soothing Snuggler to do a give away!! Check out our Facebook
and Instagram this week for more information!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

A Different View

Wed, 31 Aug 2022 05:00:00 -0500

This episode talks through the science and practical steps of a young boy who has difficulty controlling his anger, even though he's remorseful for his behavior.

We're patnering with the Soothing Snuggler to do a give away!! Keep an eye on our social media next week!

This episode builds on previous episodes (here and here) that cover basic brain development. It's important to remember that in a stress response, the parts of the brain that are responsible for learning are not online.

1. Get the lid closed through coregulation
2. You as the adult have to be in a regulated place
3. All of our responses have to communicate safety. If we still send cues of danger, their system will not allow them to become regulated.
4. Include your child in the response - what happened? What did you tell yourself? What do you want us to do differently? How can we help you?
5. Focus on building interoception and skills

Punishment does not change the nervous system into feeling safe.

Why do we automatically think the worst of our kids? Instead of seeing them as bad, naughty, disobedient, why can't we see them as having a hard time, needing help, or struggling?

Behavior is a developmental process, just like walking, talking, and reading. Struggling with behavior should be met with them same encouragement and grace.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Welcome To My World

Wed, 24 Aug 2022 05:00:00 -0500

So much happened this week in Leah's family, we needed an entire episode to talk through it all!

Follow up on a talk about weight, body image, health
How to give your kids opportunities to safely make mistakes instead of just saying 'no'
How to respond when your child swears
How to respond to self-harming behaviors

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Body Image

Wed, 17 Aug 2022 05:00:00 -0500

This episode talks through how to talk about weight changes, health, and body image with our kids.

How we talk about our bodies and the bodies of others sets the stage for how our kids think and talk about their own bodies. It's important to pay attention to the subtle messages we're giving, even inadvertently.

When there are noticable weight changes, be careful about how you talk and ask about the changes, being intentional to avoid placing judgment on the change - "you look great," "wow, you've lost a lot of weight," or "you look so healthy!" Our culture values the way people look and their body size, which can set our kids up to develop really unhealthy body image and self-esteem.

To combat a child's negative body image or eating habits: 1. Stop all comments about anyone's body and 2. Focus on and praise their character: honesty, kindness, loyalty, curiosity, humor, etc. We want our kids to learn that their worth is only tied to who they are as people not what they look like or how thin they are.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Back To School

Wed, 10 Aug 2022 04:00:00 -0500

As our kids head back to school,this episode gives some tips and tricks to make this time of year a little less stressful and little more connecting with our kids.

To help with the stress associated with back to school, try these things:
1. Prep - give them as much information as you know - what will drop off/pick up look like? Who is their teacher? What will their classroom look like? What is their schedule for the day?
2. Forecast - Forecast different scenarios - what's it going to be like to see your friends? What might you say to them? Which parts are making you the most nervous? What will you do if you disagree with your teacher?
3. Follow-up - Talk through their day. Compare how they were feeling about things with how it actually went and help them make those connections.

Give your kids as much control as possible going back to school - let them wear what they want, take the lunch they want, etc.

Above all else, validate their feelings of anxiety, fear, and excitement and help them work through those big feelings in a healthy way!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Validation

Wed, 03 Aug 2022 04:00:00 -0500

There has been quite the dust up in the Gentle Parenting community over the last week, which triggered Leah enough that she needed to talk about it!

There seems to be a real misunderstanding of the meaning of the phrase "validating emotions." To validate simply means to ACCEPT. It doesn't mean all emotions are right, positive, feel good, etc.

At the same time, emotions are different than thoughts. While we always want to validate the emotion (I'm sad), we don't necessarily have to validate thoughts (no one likes me). Emotions aren't something we can control, but they also don't have to control us, and it's important that we help our children learn the difference. This is done through teaching though, NOT through minimizing, punishing, or dismissing emotions.

If you struggle to believe that emotions should be validated, ask yourself this question: Do you always validate happiness? Is happiness always true and right and good in your house?

If happiness becomes the only emotion you accept, validate, and allow, your kids will believe that is the only way they can stay in relationship with you and that people only want them around when they are happy, even if that's not how they are truly feeling.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

It's About Us

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 04:00:00 -0500

In this episode Leah does her own work, in front of everyone. Illustrated by an interaction with her 9-year-old, she works through her own history and how it impacts her responses to her own children.

We often assign very negative intentions, motives, and behaviors to our kids when they are incredibly young, setting the stage to maintain these negative beliefs about them as they age.

The messages we got as children seems to determine the negative attributes we assign our kids. As a child, if we were taught that we had to listen to adults because they always knew better, and if we didn't we were labeled as disrespectful/sinful/ungrateful, then those are thoughts we will very easily have about our kids when they engage in the same behavior.

Even when I can recognize how unhealthy my childhood messages were for me, those same thoughts are almost automatic when my kids engage in negative behaviors.

Traditional parenting puts all the burden on our kids, focusing soley on how they behave and what they did that was inappropriate. This type of parenting flips that on its head and recognizes that how we respond and react as parents is actually what impacts the nature of those interactions and our relationships with our kids!

When we think we're not able to do this type of parenting because we keep getting triggered and respond in ways we don't want to, we believe: "YOU'RE DOING IT!" The process of being triggered, responding, and assessing how it went and how we want it to go differently, is how you do this and start to make changes!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

There's Another Way

Wed, 20 Jul 2022 04:00:00 -0500

Now that we've encouraged you to stop using physical punishment, this episode gives specific ideas related to other discipline techniques.

We talk through specific questions from parents about what to do to address back talk, sucking fingers, damaging property, and more!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Stop Hitting Kids

Wed, 13 Jul 2022 04:00:00 -0500

This episode addresses parenting and discipline using pain and physical punishment. The research is very clear about how physical punishment alters brain structures and functioning and causes kids to feel unsafe and as though they have to survive these interactions.

If you're not clear on typical chlidhood brain development, start here!

Spanking may lead to short term behavior change but doesn't teach kids what to do differently. You can look at research studies here, here, and here to give clear information about the impacts physical discipline has on kids. One of these articles note: "spanking is a euphemism for a socially acceptable form of hitting that constitutes parent-to-child violence ."

When kids are punished through physical pain, their brains send signals as though they are in danger and releases stress hormones for them to survive the interaction. They are not able to change this reaction just because it's their parent who is the one hurting them as opposed to a stranger. When this stress response happens over and over again, this can lead to behavioral and emotional changes, due to the stress hormones that overwhelm their system.

One of the key factors that causes stress to become toxic is the lack of a supportive adult, helping you manage the distress you are experiencing. If the adult who is supposed to help you regulate but is also the source of your stress and distress, this causes confusion and damage over time.

Our goal in this episode is for parents to have all the information and while we understand this is hard to hear and may cause defensive feelings, it's that important to us that we present the research in ways that protects our kids as much as possible.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

No Biting

Wed, 06 Jul 2022 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks through really challening behaviors including biting, hitting, and spitting. Most of us understand this behavior is somewhat normal but often don't know how to respond in a way that is helpful.

If you're not familiar with typical childhood brain development, go back and listen to this episode. This is important when thinking about many of the negative behaviors our kids display in early childhood. Our young kids are unable to take the perspective of others, which means they can't understand that just because something hurts them it will hurt others if they do it to them.

Kids explore their world a lot when they are very young by putting things in their mouths, which means biting is developmentally appropriate and often a way to explore. Other reasons kids may bite are:

Teething
Exploring
Attention
Control
Overwhelm
Anger

Young kids are often not intentionally hurting other people, even if they laugh after the behavior. As kids age they should quickly grow out of biting, and when older kids are biting, it should be seen as a regressive behavior and a sign of some other feelings or thoughts.

What can you do if your kid is biting others?

Attempt to intervene before the biting happens
Give alternatives to bite
Impose a boundary: "I can't let you bite, so I'm going to put you down/move you away/leave the park."
Monitor your own reaction

Believing punishment is the only way to get kids to stop biting misses the fact that this is a developmental stage that simply needs to be experienced.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Dear Single Moms

Wed, 29 Jun 2022 04:00:00 -0500

This episode talks through a really sensitive subject, and Beka and Leah do their best to have an honest conversation about the challenges of being a single parent, and how to navigate some of those situations.

If abuse is happening in your relationship, your children know more than you think they do, and there is very clear research about the impact this can have on children. Until everyone is safe in their relationships, and able to get out of survival mode, no additional changes can happen.

Regardless of the nature of the coparenting relationship, kids' behavior will often regress when they return home. This is particularly true if the contact with the other parent is infrequent or unpredictable or there are inconsistencies among the two environments. This regression can look like defiance, oppositionality, increased emotionality, bedwetting, clingy behavior, etc.

We often hear moms say, 'It's my responsiblity to make sure my kids have a good relationship with their dad.' We disagree with this statement completely, believing a parent's relationship with their children is their responsiblity. Moms cannot bear the weight of their children's relationship with their dad. Here are some areas we think are the responsiblity of the mother in this scenario:

Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent
Validate their feelings about the other parent - positive and negative
Allow contact when it's safe

When looking at various situations, ask yourself, 'what is mine to take? what is my work to do?' The behavior and response of another person is never yours to take and is not something you have control over.

How do I protect my child from feeling lost/rejected/abandoned/left?
You can't.

As a mother, this feels unacceptable, and all we want to do is protect them and take their hurt away. But in many situations, they are rejected and left, and their feelings related to this situation are valid and just have to be processed and worked through.

So what can you do?

Respond honestly
Validate and allow them to feel everything
Surround them with strong, loving men to help fill that role

If you are their safe person, you will get the worst of their behavior. This doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It means you are safe, while they can't feel any of their anger, frustration, or confusion with their dad. Their relationship with their dad is too fragile and uncertain and our kids are too desperate to keep the relationship and make their dad stay, so you, as their mom are the only one who can take it.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

No Quitting

Wed, 22 Jun 2022 04:00:00 -0500

Parents often ask if they should let their kids quit sports, clubs, lessons, etc. We fear that if we let them quit they'll be quitters forever and never learn to work hard. In this episode, Leah and Beka talk through their thoughts on this and ways to teach these skills.

All skills are taught:
Gradually over time
Through Multiple repetitions
With Several different inputs

It's important, as always to chase the why when your kids' behavior changes. Understanding WHY your kid wants to quit something, and forcing them to continue doing it anyway sends the message their reason doesn't matter.

We often worry that by letting our kids quit, they'll never learn how to be uncomfortable, push through hard things, fulfill their commitments, or be determined. There are ways to teach our kids determination and commitment without forcing them to keep going when they want to quit. We want them to listen to their bodies and honor how they're feeling. There will be time to teach them skills as they age.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Sibling Rivalry

Wed, 15 Jun 2022 05:00:00 -0500

When our kids fight with one another it can be so draining and super challenging to know what to do in those moments. This episode talks through ideas for how to intervene and help our kids develop skills.

Our kids' first exposure to developing social skills is their relationship with their siblings. This gives them the opportunity to practice their skills in conflict resolution, apologizing, empathy, etc. This means that the fighting our kids engage in with one another is completely normal and can even be healthy, as they being to practice and learn these new skills.

When our kids fight, it's our opportunity to teach skills, so we shouldn't intervene every time. You might say something like, "You guys need to figure it out." This is really challenging and triggers many of us as parents pretty quickly.

Punishment often doesn't work to address the issue with fighting, because it doesn't teach our kids new skills to avoid fighting with their sibling. Many times fighting is an attempt to get attention from a caregiver, communicating they need help, attunement, attention, etc.

Be careful to not always intervene for the younger/smaller child, to avoid identifying the older one as the bad, mean, problematic one. It can also put the younger child into a victim role, causing them to cause mistreatment to get caretaking and attention from parents.

It's important to avoid seeing our kids as manipulative, which usually only means they're doing what they need to do to get their needs met. We have often trained them to know how to get what they want, which can feel like we are being manipulated, but it's simply them getting their needs met. We always want to chase the function behind the behavior instead of focusing on the behavior itself.

If fighting is increasing your home, you can try cooperative games, like this, this, or this. You might also think about spending extra time with each other, putting activities in the car to keep them occupied, listening to recorded stories, etc.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Mental Health

Wed, 08 Jun 2022 05:00:00 -0500

Mental health has been thrust into the national conversation over the last few weeks, often leading to suggestions, ideas, and conclusions from people who do not work in the field and have no experience with the system. This episode does not involve much about parenting, but Leah provides some education and insight into the system and possible solutions moving forward.

There is a difference between mental health and mental illness. We all need to focus on our mental health and wellness, and how we feel, manage stress, emotions, and behaviors, while mental illness suggests a formal diagnosis and an identifiable issue that should be addressed and/or treated.

Currently there are not enough mental health providers to meet the need for the mental health of kids and adults in our communities. There are also issues related to insurance - covering mental health benefits, low reimbursement rates, making decisions about treatment, etc.

As mental health providers, we are not responsible simply for public safety. The number one consideration as a mental health provider is confidentiality and it trumps almost everything, making decisions about hospitalization, calling the police, etc. extremely difficult and nuanced. Safety is one of the only things that trumps confidentiality, but only in the moment and only in very specific instances.

No matter what our proposed solutions are to these big issues, it's important that we remember that we all have the same goals and have positive intentions.

Leah's opinion is that the majority of these violent, aggressive kids and adults are the result of significant attachment disruptions, including generational ruptures with limited repair. This leads to a need for power and control, which often leads to aggression toward animals and young children. It's not helpful to refer to these people as 'monsters' or 'evil,' because they didn't start this way, and until we focus on how that developed and got to that point through their experiences, we miss the opportunity to make changes.

These types of conversations do not help fight the stigma associated with mental illness, because the majority of people with a mental health diagnosis are not violent or aggressive. There are some potential solutions or improvements that could be made within our current systems to start this work, but the conversations are really hard. Hopefully this episode gives some places for us to start.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Hard Conversations

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 05:00:00 -0500

It's been a really challenging week for all of us, and many of us are questioning how to talk to our kids about some of the really hard things going on in our world. This episode talks through some of those concerns and gives some thoughts and suggestions on how to approach this.

Like most things, the degree to which you talk to your kids about certain topics or situations depends on their age. If you do decide to start a conversation, here are some suggestions and things to think through:

Ask them what they know - this will let you know what information they have and what their perspective is about the situation, which can help you know where to start, what information you need to share or clarify, and how you can best support them.
Don't assume your kid's silence means they're ok or they haven't heard anything about the situation
Follow their lead - their behavior will tell you when they're done, when they've had enough, and when they're ready to talk more

Specifics of these conversations can be so tricky, and it's important for us to approach them in a safe, supportive way. We discuss some additional suggestions and things to consider:

Manage your own feelings - it's ok to show emotion, but we also need to remain steady
Validate their feelings - feelings, thoughts, responses - even if they sound inappropriate or unhealthy
Be honest and answer all their questions - once you open the window, you need to answer as many of their questions as you can. You can't shut down the conversation as it starts to get hard
Insert Cues of Safety - focus on schedules, positive interactions, attunement, connected relationships, etc.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Food, Glorious Food

Wed, 25 May 2022 05:00:00 -0500

These statistics about our kids' relationship with food and their bodies are heartbreaking, and led Beka and Leah to talk about food and how to use different tools to promote healthy relationships with food, body autonomy, and interoception.

It's important that we don't use food to motivate, reward, or soothe our kids, so those messages don't get hard wired as they enter adolescence and adulthood.

It's also important that we build our kids' interoception, which includes:

Letting them eat when they're hungry
Letting them stop eating when they're full
Teaching them to notice how their body feels when they eat different foods

This episode also walks through ways to promote healthy messages and relationships with food, such as:

Food is not good or bad
We don't talk about other people's bodies
Don't comment on what/how much kids eat
Let natural consequences happen to teach healthy habits

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Rupture and Repair

Wed, 18 May 2022 05:00:00 -0500

As parents, we often beat ourselves up when we experience a rupture in our relationship with our children. This episode explores the idea that ruptures are inevitable and can even be healthy for relationships, because they give us opportunities for repair.

Attunement is one of the main goals in this type of parenting, and according to Dan Siegel, "when we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another." Ruptures, or failing to attune to our kids, can be big or small in relationships, and cannot be avoided. It's important that we teach our kids that ruptures can be survived and how to do them appropriately.

It's important to differentiate repairs from 1. giving the silent treatment, 2. acting like nothing happened, 3. demanding an apology, or anything else. Repairs have to be directly related to the rupture that happened, and should involve an apology on our part, and a recognition that we have fallen out of attunement.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Little Liars

Wed, 11 May 2022 05:00:00 -0500

We all want to raise honest kids and when they lie it can be really hard to know how to respond or what to do!

Lying is a very normal part of child development and there are lots of reasons they engage in this type of behavior. Here are some reasons kids are dishonest:
1. They can't separate fantasy from reality
2. They're trying to relate to others
3. They're projecting their feelings onto other people
4. It doesn't feel safe to tell the truth

Ultimately, we can't control what comes out of our kids' mouths, even if it's dishonest. Making someone admit they lied does not then make them be honest. Our kids' behavior is always trying to communicate something, even when they're lying. What are they trying to tell us?

If we want our kids to be honest with us, we have to let them know our relationship won't change, even when they're dishonest.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Triggered

Wed, 04 May 2022 05:00:00 -0500

This episode covers a listener question about how to stay calm and regulated when our kids trigger us, including trauma triggers.

It's first important to differentiate typical triggers that bother us as parents and those that are related to traumatic memories. Typical behaviors that challenges us as parents include whining, hitting, throwing things, etc. and we talk through some ideas on how to address that behavior.

Trauma triggers are something different, and create a response in our nervous systems that makes it much harder to manage and respond appropriately. Ultimately, a trauma response happens when your system and brain believe you are in danger, so safety and survival are the ONLY goals. Sometimes this can lead to a flashback, which is not just a memory, but a re-experiencing of a traumatic experience. When this happens, any parenting is challenging, particularly this style of parenting that requires increased insight and regulation.

It is understandable and to be expected for parents to have to remove themselves from difficult situations whenever they are triggered. Some steps to help in these situations:
1. Leave the situation to regulate
2. Return and connect
3. Hold the boundary

A few extra tips to get regulated and activate your vagus nerve:
1. Gargling
2. Humming/Singing
3. Massage
4. Put cold water on your face
5. Deep, audible breathing

You can find more information about these activities here, here, or here.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

On the Same Page

Wed, 27 Apr 2022 05:00:00 -0500

This has been the most asked question we've ever received: How do I get my partner/spouse on board with this style of parenting?

Research has demonstrated there are generally four different types of parenting, based on differing levels of demandingness and responsiveness. Research has also shown that an authoritative style of parenting generally leads to the most positive outcomes in our children, such as school achievement, social skills, depression, delinquency, and more.

Leah does a deep dive into a research study that looks at the impacts of parents having different styles, and how that impacts various outcomes for children. This study found that families with 2 authoritative parents had kids with the lowest levels of depression and highest levels of school commitment. This suggests that the effects of authoritative parenting is amplified when adopted by both parents.

It's important that parents are on the same page about important topics and styles of addressing behavior and responding to their kids. This is important not just because of the research that 2 authoritative parents are best, but because we don't want our kids to learn to triangulate us to get their way or pit us against one another.

If you're struggling with your partner and different styles of parenting, try to understand their concerns or what they're afraid of and start to talk through what agreements you might be able to reach together. Then, try to determine how your partner is motivated; by emotions (share your why, use stories) or logic and reasoning (share research, statistics, books, podcasts).

Ultimately, give your partner grace. This is a huge shift that goes against many societal norms and requires shifts in thinking and understanding, whihc can take time and may not look the same for everyone.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Time To Go Potty

Wed, 20 Apr 2022 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode we answer all your potty training questions!

Potty training can be confusing and overwhelming as a parent, and something that can lead to judgment from others if our kids don't do it at the "right" time." The average age kids are potty trained is 27 months, but is typical anytime between 18 months and 3 years old.

It's important to wait to see some signs that your child is ready to start potty training, such as:
1. Interested in the whole process
2. Ability to tell you before or after he's gone
3. Desire to imitate others

Sometimes when parents introduce the potty chair when kids are 2 or 3 yeras old, it causes a lot of fear and avoidance of the entire process. Some suggestions to address this include:
1. Introdoce the potty chair as soon as your child is mobile
2. Put them on the chair before and after every bath
3. Celebrate every small victory (dance party, singing, praise, etc.)

Conversations about potty training often lead to questions about toileting issues, such as ongoing bedwetting, sneaky behavior related to toileting, smearing feces, etc. It's crucial that toileting issues do not receive consequences, other than natural consequences, such as helping clean up the mess, take the sheets to the washing machine, etc. Toileting problems are often the first sign of emotional distress for our kids, suggesting they don't have the ability to or don't feel safe enough to communicate what is going on with them or what they're feeling in a given situation.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Separation

Wed, 13 Apr 2022 05:00:00 -0500

Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage for kids, usually peaking around 18 months and resolving between the age of 2-3. Sometimes kids struggle with separation for a longer period of time or in ways that make it difficult to leave them regularly.

In this episode, Beka and Leah talk through ways our kids struggle with separation, ways to help them work through that process, and the importance of preparing them for upcoming separation. At its core, separation anxiety is a fear that you won't come back, so giving them more information as far as what is going to happen, when you'll come back, etc. can help lessen the anxiety and stress associated with separations.

Small steps you can take to help your child who struggles with separation
1. Forecast EVERYTHING!
2. Start with very small separations (10-15 minutes)
3. Validate all emotions at separation and reunion
4. Hold the Boundary

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Let Me Sleep

Wed, 06 Apr 2022 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode we talk through the importance of sleep for us and our kids, and how to promote better sleep habits.

Sleep hygiene is important to set the stage for positive sleep behaviors and prepare our minds and bodies for sleep, making that transition a little easier. This includes monitoring food and drink intake before bed, limiting screens, and making sure beds are only used for sleeping; not punishment.

Sleep training is often a big argument in the parenting world, and there are many models and suggestions out there, making it hard to know what to do. Listen to this episode or this episode for more information on the importance of attachment and how to keep this in mind when considering sleep training your kids.

For more information on sleep, check out this podcast episode with sleep expert, Dr. Matt Walker.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Tantrum

Wed, 30 Mar 2022 05:00:00 -0500

Tantrums can be one of the most challenging things to manage as a parent. They seem to come out of nowhere and can feel almost impossible to stop. This episode talks through some of the science behind tantrums and what parents can do to try to manage them a little better!

It's important to remember that tantrums are a healthy, normal part of a child's development. They allow young children to express their feelings and learn new ways to manage them, even when the behavior that comes with the tantrum is frustrating and overwhelming for us as parents.

To help navigate tantrums a little more effectively:
1. Manage yourself first
2. Don't try to stop it
3. Validate emotions
4. Stay present
5. Hold the boundary

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Perfectionism

Wed, 23 Mar 2022 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode we talk through perfectionism, anxiety, and school pressures. The way we react to our kids as it relates to grades, performance, and school sends subtle messages about how e value those things and what it means if our kids perform well or struggle in these areas. If kids believe that their performance is tied to their worth, then problems can lead to shame and other negative reactions.

Like many other aspects of parenting, how we view our worth or success impacts how we respond to our children. It's important for us to look at ourselves and determine our own values around these issues and make conscious decisions about how we communicate those values to our children, in a supportive, unconditional way.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

The Old School Teacher

Wed, 16 Mar 2022 05:00:00 -0500

Schools often struggle to implement discipline in a way we would support, and it's challenging as a parent to know how to advocate for our kids in their classrooms and with their teachers. In this episode, we respond to a text message from a mom seeking help in how to approach her daughter's teacher and address some concerning discipline practices.

Using food to manage behavior can create all kinds of negative relationships with food, eating, our bodies, etc. and this is particularly problematic if kids have experienced any kind of food insecurity or poverty.

The research on the positive effects of recess are clear - you can see some examples here, here, here, and here! Particularly for young kids, the effects of physical activity, social engagement, and time outdoors is crucial for their development and learning important skills such as regulation and peer interactions.

Leah has lots of experience working with school districts, teachers, and administrators, and gives some suggestions on how to try to partner with your child's teacher and school, sharing your concerns and the research we have on these topics, while also requiring different strategies be used when disciplining your children. It's imperative that those of us with the resources and abilities, advocate for our kids, which in turn will help those kids who may not have adults in their lives supporting them and advocating for them!!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

It's Never Too Late

Wed, 09 Mar 2022 05:00:00 -0600

In this episode, Leah uses relationships depicted on Cheer to illustrate how attachment patterns show up in adolesence and early adulthood. Children with attachment disruptions early in life often grow into adolescents and young adults who struggle to trust reciprocal, intimate relationships. This can lead to them running from the relationship, making accusations, and avoiding any semblence of connection.

Parents of teenagers often imply that they don't have to worry about attachment, or they shouldn't pay attention to it because their kids are older and that has already been set. Beka and Leah talk through ways to promote healthy attachment as our kids enter adolescence, a time when they are supposed to be moving away from us as parents and becoming more invested in their peer relationships.

Rewiring of our kids' brains is ALWAYS possible, often through corrective experiences. This takes lots of effort and time on our part as parents, to start to show them that as we respond to them differently, they can trust our reactions and that these new behaviors are legitimate. This process of rewiring their brains is critical in our belief that it is never too late to start a different way of interacting and being in relationship with our teenagers.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Take the Opportunity

Wed, 02 Mar 2022 05:00:00 -0600

In this episode, Beka and Leah talk about the goals we have as parents, and how our response to our kids either align with those goals or not.

If we can start to view our kids' behavior as an opportunity we have to teach them new skills, as opposed to think their behavior is bad, annoying, etc. we can respond differently and create improvements. There are lots of sports analogies in this one, illusatrating the importance of giving our kids chances to "shoot the free throw" in order to help them develop the technique necessary to actually make the shot.

This is an important conversation and reminds all of us about the need to celebrate the small wins and progress, regardless of where we're starting as a parent and how hard the progress seems to achieve. We're doing the best we can, and that is GOOD ENOUGH!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Unspoken Words

Wed, 23 Feb 2022 05:00:00 -0600

This episode has a whole lot of vulnerability as Leah and Beka demonstrate what it sounds like to unpack some of the subtle messages we receive as kids and start to figure out how we can resolve them to make us better parents.

It's possible to believe you had a good childhood and want to do some things differently in your own relationship with your children. Both things can be true. In order to make decisions about what messages you want to keep and what you want to do differently, it requires self-awareness and a determination to bring everything out into the light, even when it's uncomfortable.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Not My Responsibility

Wed, 16 Feb 2022 05:00:00 -0600

On this episode we talk about what is the responsibility of our kids, how we teach them accountability, empathy, respect, and kindness, while also making sure they understand that they are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors of another person.

Beka and Leah talk through their own childhood experiences and the subtle messages that can create beliefs that their feelings and wants are not as important as other people's, and that other people always come before them.

As parents, we all want to teach our kids to be kind, empathetic, thoughtful people, while also wanting them to trust themselves, learn how to say no, and not feel responsible for everyone around them, to their own detriment. This is often a tricky balance to strike and one that requires a lot of thought and intentionality.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Do The Work Every Day

Wed, 09 Feb 2022 05:00:00 -0600

On this episode Leah talks through a situation that happened within her family that illustrates some of the principles that guides this style of parenting. They talk through the difference between shame and guilt, and the importance as a parent to recognize when our responses to our kids can lead to shame, which is incredibly damaging to them.

Much of the time, when we are incredibly angry with our kids or struggling to manage our own emotions, it is our own "stuff" coming up and about something bigger than our kids' behavior. Reacting during those moments limits our ability to teach, train, explain, and support our kids into better interactions and behaviors.

These topics lead into a conversation about their own childhood, messages they received, and how those messages show up in their adult lives. The messages we get in childhood, about how we are 'good,' stay in relationship with people, keeps me safe, etc. these become engrained in how we interact with others and the world and what we think about ourselves. Understanding some of this information can be informed by the Enneagram, which is designed to help identify those messages and how they show up in adulthood.

Leah and Beka also discuss the importance of being honest with our kids regarding situations that are going on, using appropriate language, making sure our kids have the correct definition of the words we use, etc. These conversations can lay the groundwork for more serious conversations as our kids grow up!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Technology

Wed, 02 Feb 2022 04:00:00 -0600

Navigating technology and what guidelines to place on our children is one of the most challenging parts of being a parent! In this episode Beka and Leah talk through the different stats on the typical age kids are given a phone, how much time they spend on the phone, and how some parents choose to monitor (or not) their use.

It's important parents understand different apps that are out there and how to monitor them - this might be a good place to start! Here's an idea for a family smartphone pledge too!
Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Exposure to pornography may be one of the most dangerous aspects of smart phones and technology for our kids. Here are some startling statistics, that might help parents recognize the importance of talking to their kids about these topics. If you're not willing to talk to your kids about these incredibly important topics (sex, pornography, masturbation, etc.) someone else will!!

Additional data resources:
Common Texting Abbreviations
Wait until 8th Pledge
Options for non-smart phone devices

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

You Can't Fix Me

Wed, 26 Jan 2022 04:00:00 -0600

Foster Care is such a crucial part of our system, to keep kids in a family setting when their family of origin is unable or unwilling to keep them safe at a certain point of time. It's also critical that the way kids in foster care are parented does not reinforce the negative beliefs they have about themselves, the world, and other people, which we talk about in more detail in this episode. The primary goal of foster care is to show kids that adults can be trusted, will be consistent, and follow through on what they say they are going to do. Whether you feel compelled to be a foster parent or not, there are many ways you can show up for the kids in your community!

More information about foster care:

This is one of the best videos that depicts what it's like for a child to be removed from their home, how they use their behavior to test relationships, and struggle to trust the intentions of the adults in their life.
Learn what it's like to be in the foster care system here
Check here or here for more information on how you might be able to help!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

We Are Not Okay

Wed, 19 Jan 2022 04:00:00 -0600

This episode is a little different and discusses the mental health needs we have as parents, our kids' mental health, and how we can best support ourselves and them, particularly as the pandemic continues to impact us. Leah discusses her experience with anxiety throughout the pandemic and Beka talks about feelings of depression she also struggled with.

For many of us, as we navigate virtual learning with our kids, try to manage our work responsibilities, worry about our health, our kids' social experiences, and more, our mental health suffers and we often don't pay enough attention to it until it's too late. We have new statistics regarding the impact the pandemic has had on mental health and substance use, making this an even more important topic.

The Attorney General recently brought attention to the mental health crisis happening with our kids and teenagers since the pandemic began. In children and adolescents, depression can sometimes look different - irritability as opposed to sadness; physical aches and pains; sleep and appetite changes; and suicidal thoughts. We talk through various ways to support your kids and responding in a way that validates them without reinforcing some of their words or behaviors.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

What You Believe

Wed, 12 Jan 2022 04:00:00 -0600

In this episode, we continue our discussion about attachment, talking through the four different types: Secure, Insecure Avoidant, Insecure Anxious, and Disorganized. Our attachment pattern is with us for life, and influences how we parent our children.

Attachment at its core is about safety, security, and trust, and Leah and Beka talk through how the different styles influence how we view other people and the world and what we believe about ourself! Our conversation moves in to how we support our kids' attachment and what it might look like when they need more from us or are seeking attachment. They often try to get their needs met in different, at times strange ways!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Attachment

Wed, 05 Jan 2022 05:00:00 -0600

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Let's Get it Started

Wed, 29 Dec 2021 05:00:00 -0600

In this episode the sisters discuss one of the most common questions we have heard - how do I start this style of parenting? This approach is simple, it's not easy - and here are the steps Leah and Beka identify that can help start this process and make small, meaningful changes.

Stop anything that uses fear to control behavior (threats, punishments, physical discipline)
- Fear cannot coexist with Safety and Connection - we want to choose safety and connection!
Pay attention to yourself
- What are your triggers?
- Don't parent out of guilt
- Start with your body - posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, interaction style
Go back and listen to our first few episodes to reinforce our principles
- Adjust your expectations
- Accept that you cannot control your child's behavior
Start Small
- Choose one or two behaviors to start to address
- Think through how you might respond differently
- Practice, Evaluate, Practice more
- Stop punishing, start disciplining

Broad suggestions:
Get into Community
Commit to try this for 6 months to a year
Give yourself grace
Develop a plan for the naysayers in your life

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

No Means No

Wed, 22 Dec 2021 05:00:00 -0600

This episode talks through the difficult topic of sexual abuse of children; sharing some difficult statistics. To start to think about how to protect our kids and teach them that they are in control of their bodies and their level of comfort matters, Leah gives suggestions to start conversations about body autonomy. While "stranger danger" is commonly how parents talk to their children about safety, the data shows that most abuse is perpetrated by those in close relationships with children.

Understanding that body autonomy and choice does not just happen when our kids become teenagers, it instead needs to start when our kids are young. In addition to this resource, Leah talks about the importance of teaching our kids that they do not have to hug, kiss, or be near people they're uncomfortable with. This can help build the skills of listening to their 'gut' and coming to believe that we as parents will always validate and listen to how they want their body to be interacted with and make sure they feel safe and connected in the process.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Tell the Truth

Wed, 15 Dec 2021 05:00:00 -0600

Almost all adults value honesty in our relationships but sometimes our discomfort makes us say dishonest things to our kids. Having conversations about adult topics is hard, including sex, race, gender norms, politics, etc. Leah talks through different ways to have some of these conversations in honest ways, while also taking into account children's age and developmental level. It's important that in our honesty we give our kids space to challenge our beliefs and values, while also influencing their development in these areas.

Honesty can get even more challenging over the holidays. What do you tell your kids about Santa?! And what about that darn elf!!!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Another One

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 05:00:00 -0600

You all asked so many great questions, we had to record a bonus episode to answer them all!! This episode covers questions like: How do you start? What do you do when your kids talk back? How do you handle family members who might not agree with your approach? What about those crying babies? Do you pick them up?

We hope this has been helpful! As Leah mentioned, there are many books that might help give you more insight into this style of parenting. The Whole Brain Child, No Drama Discipline, and
The Power of Showing Up.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Questions Answered

Wed, 08 Dec 2021 05:00:00 -0600

You asked, we answered! This Q&A episode covers lots of different topics, including letting your kids dress themselves, how to change a nighttime routine, timeouts, incentives/bribing, and so much more!! There were so many great questions we couldn't even get to them all, so hopefully this gives you some additional insight and help in navigating this new parenting style.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

One More Thing I Wished I'd Said

Wed, 01 Dec 2021 05:00:00 -0600

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

She Blinded Me With Science

Wed, 24 Nov 2021 05:00:00 -0600

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Things You Can't Control

Wed, 17 Nov 2021 05:00:00 -0600

In this episode we talk more about examples provided in previous episodes, discussing the need for parents to "control" their kids, and a different way to view this goal through this new lens. The new goal becomes to help support, understand, and validate feelings to reach our goal. This work is hard, and if you try to do too much too soon, it can be overwhelming. Leah walks through small steps to begin this work and start to make small changes, really focusing on what are non-negotiables, and letting go of how those non-negotiables are met. Finally, we discuss the difference between boundaries and rules, focusing on what parents can change for themselves, not based on behaviors that they have no control over in their kids.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Mind Your Manners

Wed, 10 Nov 2021 05:00:00 -0600

In this episode we talk about all the controversial topics - apologies, sharing, and saying please and thank you! Not surprisingly, Leah does this a little differently and offers a different perspective of ways to actually teach our children how to empathize with others, be thankful, and learn how to engage with their friends in healthy ways. Ultimately, we're unable to control what our kids say, so we can use other methods to teach this, such as modeling and stepping in to do it for them. Everything we teach is interconnected, with the goal of empowering our kids and teaching them skills to navigate big emotions and tough situations!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Regulate

Wed, 03 Nov 2021 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode we discuss this powerful video of a dad coregulating his toddler through a tantrum, and how important coregulation is to help our kids to learn to self-regulate as they age. We discuss how mirror neurons impact our regulation and the development of our kids, and how negative behaviors change as kids age, and their brains develop - from the bottom up! Kids who are not processing emotions in a developmentally appropriate way may mean they haven't had the opportunity to learn how to experience and survive their emotions in a way that promotes their regulation skills.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Get Yourself Right

Wed, 27 Oct 2021 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode Leah talks through a real world example of this type of parenting and discipline in action. This leads into a discussion about power and control between kids and parents and the need for parents to do their own work to be able to manage their own regulation needs. Ultimately, we need to focus on our relationships with our kids, NOT their behavior!

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Say What You Need To Say

Wed, 20 Oct 2021 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode we cover:

Whatever kids say is truth (to them)
Don't get hung up on the power of their words
All behavior is language
All emotions are ok and should be validated

As parents we want to be the ultimate safe space for our kids to bring all their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. We want all of them! By validating their emotions and showing them that we are able to accept them just as they are, we teach them that our relationship and love is unconditional and is not dependent on them acting how we want them to.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Authority

Wed, 13 Oct 2021 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode we cover:

A few listener questions
Respect is Earned and Challenging Authority is ok
Emotional development and regulation
Flipping your lid - Dr. Dan Siegel
H.A.L.T

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Teach Your Children

Wed, 06 Oct 2021 05:00:00 -0500

In this episode we covered:
1. Discipline does not mean consequences
2. What about Spanking?
3. Kids Can't be Bad

Submit questions to: info@parentaldevelopment

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

If I Only Had a Brain

Wed, 29 Sep 2021 07:00:00 -0500

In this episode we covered:
1. Kids are complete people
2. Childhood Brain Development
3. Regulation/Dysregulation

Submit questions to: info@parentaldevelopment

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

We've Only Just Begun

Sun, 26 Sep 2021 17:00:00 -0500

In this episode we cover:
1. Who we are and how we got here
2. Basic understandings and the spirit of the podcast

Topics/Information mentioned in the show:
1. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
2. Janet Lansbury

Submit questions to: info@parentaldevelopment

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram