Two Open Doors

Episode 5-12: New Directions

Sun, 23 Mar 2025 00:00:00 -0700

Over the course of 175 weekly episodes spanning three and a half years, Two Open Doors has been exploring the many different facets of deep human connection. Those episodes have focused on the nature of intimate relationship, how sexuality really works to support human connection, the many ways in which society interacts with individuals to shape relationships, and many other important topics.

While I continue to see deep connection as a foundation for a healthy society, as well as a compass for my own personal evolution, the audience for the Two Open Doors perspective remains small. In recognition of this, I’ve grudgingly concluded that I need to alter my focus from new-content creation, to connecting a broader audience with the existing material. Rather than just stop my regular posting with no explanation, and effectively “ghost” my audience, I wanted to provide a respectful explanation of my change in direction, and invite my audience to accompany me in my new directions.

Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), as well as a Professional Sex Coach certification from Sex Coach U. Dr. Claude is passionate about promoting and supporting deep human connection. He develops and delivers workshops and other events regarding that topic, as well as being available for individual and couples intimacy coaching. He can be contacted at claude@twoopendoors.com.

This weekly podcast is distributed through multiple podcast directories, including:
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* iHeart Radio: · https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-two-open-doors-86831925/

Episode 5-11: Worldview, Sex Positivity, and Intimacy Positivity

Sun, 16 Mar 2025 00:00:00 -0700

In our last two episodes, we’ve been exploring the outlooks that several major religions and worldviews hold regarding the human body, sexuality, relationships, and what is taken as constituting “proper” living. In the course of that review, we’ve discerned both similarities and significant differences between those belief systems.

In this episode, we’ll return to our original goal of trying to understand how each of our subject belief systems views to important life-orientations: sex positivity, and intimacy positivity. Those two attitudes or orientations hold the key to a great deal of either satisfaction and joy, or conflict and fear, in life. For that reason, it’s worth understanding how one’s belief system affects those possibilities.

Episode 5-10: Worldview, Relationships, and "Proper" Living

Sun, 09 Mar 2025 00:00:00 -0800

In our previous episode titled “Worldview, Body, and Sex”, we took a look at how a number of the most prevalent religions and worldviews perceive the human body and human sexuality. We also reviewed how each of these belief systems embraces differing levels of acceptance, or restriction, of the expression of believers’ sexuality.

In this episode, we’ll again consider the same set of belief systems, but this time focusing on how they position marriage, sexual expression and intimacy. We’ll also see how those systems’ attitudes color what each system considers to be a “proper” lifestyle.

Episode 5-9: Worldview, the Body, and Sex

Sun, 02 Mar 2025 00:00:00 -0800

In our episode titled “Intimacy Positivity”, we considered the well-established concept of sex positivity, in which an individual holds a generally positive and receptive perspective on sex. I also introduced my notion of intimacy positivity, which describes an attitude of openness and welcoming of intimate emotional connection.

In the next several episodes, we’ll step back to look at how worldview can promote or undermine these two forms of positivity. We’ll start by considering views on the body and sex, in this episode. In the following two episodes, we’ll then look at views on relationship and on lifestyle, wrapping up with some thoughts on the interactions between worldview, sex positivity, and intimacy positivity.

Episode 5-8: Intimacy Positivity

Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 -0800

In many episodes, Two Open Doors has referred to “sex positivity”, which in essence is a personal orientation in which a person is inclined to see sex in a generally positive light. Having such an attitude can free a person from much of the inappropriate sex-based shame, fear and repression that is all too common in our rather Puritanical society.

In this episode, I’d like to propose a variation on sex positivity, which I refer to as “intimacy positivity”. We humans thrive on intimacy, which is every bit as important to us as is sexuality. I’ll share some observations about why my work as a relationship and intimacy coach evolved from my initial focus on sexuality, to a broader focus on intimate relationship.

Episode 5-7: Tone in Intimate Relationships

Sun, 16 Feb 2025 00:00:00 -0800

In thinking recently about what sets apart truly noteworthy intimate relationships from functional but less unusual ones, I was reminded of the widely-held observation that “It’s the little things that count”. I believe that applies in the realm of deeply-connected relationships, as in many other aspects of life.

In this episode, we’ll examine the idea that relationships are marked by an accompanying tone; each relationship has a feel to it. Some are easy and nurturing and energizing, while others are more challenging and perhaps less rewarding. We’ll consider some of the reasons for this.

Episode 5-6: "Invitation Culture"

Sun, 09 Feb 2025 00:00:00 -0800

For those who understand and practice sex-positivity, one of the familiar themes within that community is what is usually referred to as “consent culture”. That term describes a community that is founded on mutual consent to enter into relationship as one of the fundamental traits of sex-positivity.

While consent is indeed an essential element of sex-positivity, I’d like to propose that there is a different though related perspective and set of behavioral norms that is even broader than “consent culture”. In this episode, we’ll explore what I like to think of as “invitation culture”.

Episode 5-5: Detachment

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 -0800

The Two Open Doors perspective on relationships is focused on prompting the understanding of, and support for, deep human connection. Our motivating belief is that centering rich and abundant intimate connections in one’s life is essential to enjoying an emotionally satisfying life.

In this episode, we’ll gain insight into deep connection, by examining its opposite: detachment. We’ll consider how detachment can occur, and we’ll take a look at its possible consequences. We’ll close by considering how the risk of detachment can be minimized.

Episode 5-4: Fantasy and Imagination in Sex

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 -0800

As we’ve noted in many prior episodes, human sexuality involves much more than just physiology. Sex is a multi-dimensional experience that involves the body, mind, emotions and spirit (or a sense of transcendence).

In this episode, we’ll consider how fantasy plays into sexual experiences. We’ll take a look at some of the many forms that sexual fantasy can take, and we’ll consider the roles that fantasy can play within the scope of “real life” overall. As we’ll see, fantasy can powerfully enhance deep human connections.

Episode 5-3: "Free Love"

Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:00:00 -0800

Those of us who lived through or are otherwise acquainted with the 1960s are well-acquainted with the term “free love”. That might immediately conjure up images of hippies frolicking at Woodstock. The reality, though, is that there’s more to this term than meets the eye.

In this episode, we’ll examine what free love is about, including its goals and its long history, which includes many incarnations. As we’ll see, it’s an idea that shouldn’t be lightly dismissed.

Episode 5-2: The Reality of Jealousy

Sun, 12 Jan 2025 00:00:00 -0800

Anyone who has been involved in an intimate relationship has almost certainly experienced the “green-eyed monster”: jealousy. That emotion can be almost overpowering, driving a person to do things and make choices that they would never entertain in their more lucid and stable moments.

In this episode, we’ll consider the nature and origins of jealousy, and we’ll explore how it can affect both monogamous and multi-partner intimate relationships. We’ll then go on to suggest some ways to manage this strong emotion, so that it doesn’t work to our disadvantage.

Episode 5-1: Healthy Generosity

Sun, 05 Jan 2025 00:00:00 -0800

As we’ve noted previously, such as in Episode 4-24 titled “Becoming Love-able”, generosity is an important quality that reflects a lover’s caring for their beloved. Acts of generosity allow a person to not only demonstrate how they feel about their intimate partners, but also to provide tangible support for those partners.

In this episode, we’ll consider that giving needs to be done thoughtfully, if it is to provide a healthy way to promote thriving and intimacy for both partners in a deeply-connected relationship.

Episode 4-43: Awareness and Orgasm

Sun, 29 Dec 2024 00:00:00 -0800

Orgasm is an important event that can occur in the course of the human sexual response cycle, as we’ve noted in prior Two Open Doors episodes. While orgasm takes somewhat different forms in men and in women, in both sexes it’s the source of much potential relationship satisfaction, as well as pleasure.

In this episode, we’ll consider the role that awareness plays in promoting orgasm. Our conclusions will underscore why attunement is so important in intimate connections.

Episode 4-42: Women as Men's Allies

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In our prior episode, we took a look at the many ways in which our patriarchal society disadvantages women and robs them of their right to live a life co-equal to men. We then went on to identify a number of ways in which the men who care for those women can take action to improve this situation.

In this episode, we’ll consider the other side of the coin: how men also suffer under the patriarchy (despite their seeming prospering), and how caring and supportive women can help bring more meaning and satisfaction into men’s lives. That’s a crucial aspect of displacing the patriarchy from society.

Episode 4-41: Men as Women's Allies

Sun, 15 Dec 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In numerous prior episodes, we’ve looked at various consequences of the reality that ours is a patriarchal culture. For example, we’ve noted that women are frequently objectified or treated as less-than by many men, who are accustomed to filling most of the positions of power in our society.

In this episode, we’ll consider how men who believe in a more equitable partitioning of power can serve as allies to women, to help offset the current power imbalance.

Episode 4-30: The Most Damaging Words

Sun, 08 Dec 2024 00:00:00 -0800

| In thinking about what sorts of statements or attitudes have the potential for being most damaging to intimate relationships, I settle on two words: “I want”.

In this episode, I’ll explain the basis for my belief.

Episode 4-39: Loving Softly

Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 -0800

I recently refreshed and enhanced the content of my 2016 book titled “Loving Softly”. That book focuses on how someone who wishes to live a life of deep connection with significant others might relate to those others as a lover. I refer to such a lifestyle preference as Living Softly.

Expressing one’s love is a facet of living in relationship, which is the purview of my Two Open Doors perspective on how relationship works. In turn, relationship is a facet of a broader life that’s focused on community and the pursuit of meaning. Two Open Doors is thus a part of Living Softly.

I recently came across a piece of reflective thought that beautifully captures the Loving Softly “love-style”. We’ll savor that, in this episode.

Episode 4-38: Women's Power

Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In our patriarchal society, women are often thought of as less-than in comparison with men. Power and its attendant benefits flow preferentially to men, as is demonstrated by persistent pay inequality. It might seem as if women are trapped in the role of second-class citizens.

Despite these appearances, I would like to suggest that women are in fact the holders of great power. In this episode, I’ll present some evidence for my views, and I’ll suggest some ways in which women can exercise their power for the good of society.

Episode 4-37: Trauma and Relationship

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 00:00:00 -0800

Trauma, which is a negative event that can adversely affect one’s physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well-being, is a commonplace occurrence in life. There are probably few people who have not experienced significant traumatic events in their lives.

In this episode, we’ll take a look as some of the common sources of trauma, and we’ll then see what kinds of damage those can cause. We will then consider how suffering trauma can negatively affect both one’s relationships, and one’s capacity for participating in intimate relationships.

Episode 4-36: Filling the Gap

Sun, 10 Nov 2024 00:00:00 -0800

Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is a major theme in many peoples’ lives. We all want love, and on some level we all realize that conspicuous consumption is no satisfactory substitute for warm and intimate human connection.

This episode entertains the reality that despite the recognized importance placed on love, our society provides few useful and reliable resources to help people find love. That leaves a huge and very impactful gap. Filling that gap is precisely the mission of Two Open Doors. Here, we’ll explore both the problem, and how we work to address it.

Episode 4-35: Religious Trauma

Sun, 03 Nov 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Many people grow up in an environment that includes some sort of religious experience. In many cases, that experience can be a source of significant meaning in a person’s life. Religious life can provide community, with its sharing of unifying beliefs and values, and its support for effective social action. In other cases, though, participation in a religion can traumatize its members.

In this episode, we’ll explore how religion exerts power over a person’s life, and we’ll see how abuse of that power can create trauma. Those considerations can then serve as a guide for how one can reduce or mitigate the impact of religious trauma on one’s intimate relationships and sex life.

Episode 4-34: Demisexuality

Sun, 27 Oct 2024 00:00:00 -0700

There’s a word that’s fairly well-known and understood in the sex-positive and polyamory communities, but which is relatively unknown in society at large: demisexual. In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be demisexual, and in the course of doing so, we’ll gain a broader understanding of how sexual attraction works.

Episode 4-33: Why Is Sex Fun?

Sun, 20 Oct 2024 00:00:00 -0700

The American physiologist Jared Diamond (author of the well-known book Guns, Germs and Steel) has written an intriguing book on the evolution of human sexuality, titled “Why Is Sex Fun?” That work examines the role of evolutionary biology in shaping human sexuality.

In this episode, I’d like to pursue a related but perhaps somewhat broader topic: an examination of why intimacy is satisfying. That topic includes sex as a source of human pleasure, but it goes beyond that to also include emotional connection as a source of satisfaction.

Episode 4-32: A Life of Deep Connection

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Valuing and seeking intimacy in one’s life is not a trivial or superficial thing. Rather, it is a life-orientation that encompasses personal preparation, active pursuit and nurturing of deep emotional connections, and a willingness to evolve along with one’s relationships.

In this episode, we’ll review the “life-cycle that all relationships undergo, and then we’ll examine what it takes to create a life in which intimate relationships play a central role.

Episode 4-31: Sexual Trauma and Sex-Positivity

Sun, 06 Oct 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Sexual trauma is a grim reality for far too many people in our society. Sexual abuse or trauma can occur at any point in life, and it can affect both females and males. Its effects are both long-lasting and extensive.

In this episode, we’ll consider how such trauma can occur, as well as how it can affect one’s life. We’ll focus on some of those effects which manifest in the sex-positive community, and we’ll consider how to maximize the chances for trauma-healing for participants in that community.

Episode 4-30: Why is Deep Connection So Hard?

Sun, 29 Sep 2024 00:00:00 -0700

As human beings, we all have a deep need to be loved and accepted. We long to be fully seen, understood and valued. Why, then, does it seem so hard for most people to slake this thirst for love?

In this episode, we’ll consider some of the societal factors that work against deep connection. We’ll also take a look at some of the possible personal factors that can drive individuals to reach out to others with love, and to open themselves to receive love from others. Our observations may suggest ways in which we can improve our chances for creating deep and satisfying connections with those we love.

Episode 4-29: Relationship Killers

Sun, 22 Sep 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Relationship is a dance in which two partners constantly interact with each other. The health and satisfaction of a relationship depends on how each partner treats and perceives the other. In that dance, neither partner is passive; each powerfully influences the other, and shapes the course of their co-created relationship.

In this episode, we’ll identify and examine several behaviors and attitudes that can damage or even destroy an intimate relationship. By promoting awareness of these damaging factors, we can hopefully reduce the risk of our falling into these traps.

Episode 4-28: Implications of the Patriarchy

Sun, 15 Sep 2024 00:00:00 -0700

In our popular social dialog, and in particular within the sex-positive community, there are frequent and sometimes-heated discussions about “the patriarchy”. What is that “hot-button” topic about?

In this episode, we’ll explore what the patriarchy is, as well as how patriarchal beliefs can affect those who live in our society. We’ll also touch on a possible alternative worldview to the patriarchy.

Episode 4-27: The Power of Attunement

Sun, 08 Sep 2024 00:00:00 -0700

One of the central factors in achieving intimate connection is a sense of presence between the two partners. When that prevails, each member of the couple knows that they are foremost in the consciousness of their partner. That mutual focus constitutes a sense of attunement.

In this episode, we’ll consider the nature of attunement, and we’ll see why that is so important to deep human connection.

Episode 4-26: "Aging In"

Sun, 01 Sep 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Our society worships youth, even as it fears and tries to defy death. In this environment, entering mid-life or beyond is seen as a harbinger of doom, and a sure path for people to become increasingly irrelevant and undesirable.

In this episode, we’ll reconsider this prevalent perspective on aging, to show how myopic it is. As we’ll see, far from being a bad thing, becoming older can welcome us into a richer and deeper life.

Episode 4-25: Creating "Us"

Sun, 25 Aug 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Every relationship involves two people who establish some sort of connection between them, be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or some combination of those. At the root, relationships within larger groups are still comprised of multiple dyadic connections.

When one is in a relationship, the “me” that they represent is complemented by the “you” of one’s partner. In addition, though, the relationship includes a third entity: “us”. In this episode, we’ll explore the nature of “us”.

Episode 4-24: Becoming Love-able

Sun, 18 Aug 2024 00:00:00 -0700

As humans, we all want to have love in our lives. That may mean somewhat different things to different people. Still, the need to feel seen, accepted and supported probably comes as close to being a universal human desire as any that we’re likely to find.

In this episode, we’ll explore how a person can invite love into their life. As we’ve noted in prior episodes, “love is a verb”: it’s something active, not passive. Love comes to those who have prepared themselves to both receive and give love.

Episode 4-23: Incels

Sun, 11 Aug 2024 00:00:00 -0700

In the late 1990s, a new word came into the popular lexicon: “incel”, which is a contraction of the phrase “involuntary celibate”. The incel phenomenon seems to have continued to expand since then.

In this episode, we’ll examine the meaning of this term, with a focus on the underlying feelings and attitudes that accompany it. We’ll see why it’s a trend that’s noxious and damaging to society, especially by undermining social respect for women.

Episode 4-22: Specialness

Sun, 04 Aug 2024 00:00:00 -0700

One of our sources of satisfaction in being in a loving relationship is the knowledge that we are special in the eyes of our lover. The resulting feelings of elation and contentment remind us of the preciousness of our relationship.

In this episode, we’ll consider why feeling special matters, and how it contributes to strengthening an intimate connection.

Episode 4-21: Living in Harmony

Sun, 28 Jul 2024 00:00:00 -0700

What happens when the initial rush of excitement and allure fades in a relationship? How do those usually-inevitable changes affect the course and evolution of the relationship? As we all know, all too often the fabric of the relationship starts to fray, perhaps causing the partners to move in different directions.

In this episode, we’ll focus on some attitudes and behaviors that can help preserve the health of an intimate relationship. While change is the norm in the course of a relationship, we’re not powerless in creating fertile soil for nurturing a relationship. If we so desire, there’s a lot that we can do to strengthen and “fire-proof” the bonds of intimacy between partners.

Episode 4-20: Making Connections in the Digital World

Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Nowadays, people who inhabit even moderately-advanced countries live in an “always-connected” world. Our mobile phones, tablets and Internet access provide essentially instant access to people scattered across the globe. This pervasive connectivity affects how we establish deep connections with others. Internet-based apps enable us to find and communicate with potential kindred spirits, both locally and across large areas. We can now “fish” for prospective intimate partners in a “pool” that’s much larger than what was available to prior generations.

In this episode, we’ll explore how this global, always-available connectivity affects how we date and find intimate partners. We’ll see how our communication “power tools” offer both benefits and shortcomings.

Episode 4-19: Spring/Winter Relationships

Sun, 14 Jul 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Most intimate relationships are created by partners who share a similar age, socioeconomic standing, and lifestyle. There are, however, examples of deep connections that exist between partners who are quite different from one another, at least as seen by an outside observer.

In this episode, we’ll consider one such possible atypical combination: that between partners who differ significantly in age. We’ll consider what such relationships might offer, what challenges they present, and how they tend to be viewed by society.

Episode 4-18: The Power of Authenticity

Sun, 07 Jul 2024 00:00:00 -0700

In many previous episodes, we’ve noted that self-knowledge is a central pillar for the ability to form healthy relationships. Self-knowledge enables a person to set relationship goals that are appropriate for them, and it also encompasses a clear understanding of one’s boundaries and desires.

In this episode, we’ll take a look at a related concept, specifically that of authenticity. As we’ll see, authenticity is the result of living one’s life in accord with a self-knowledge-based understanding of one’s true nature.

Episode 4-17: The Importance of Touch

Sun, 30 Jun 2024 00:00:00 -0700

The sense of touch is one of the richest channels through which we humans connect with our world and with other people. It’s what underlies so-called “haptic” (or touch-based) communication. Beyond conveying a wealth of information, touch is also a powerful vehicle for validating and providing support between people.

In this episode, we’ll explore the nature of touch, to understand why it plays such a central role in our lives as embodied creatures. We’ll also delineate several rather different kinds of touch, which are differentiated by the function or purpose that each serves.

Episode 4-16: Sex in Midlife and Beyond

Sun, 23 Jun 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Ours is a very youth-focused society. In America, perhaps more so than in other Western societies, I see a tendency to focus on the diminishment that comes with age--- while ignoring or downplaying the possible benefits and satisfactions that can accompany a long life well-lived.

In this episode, we’ll consider how this focus affects social perspectives on sex and intimacy. We’ll see how making negative assumptions about our enjoyment of sex in our later years can reduce our quality of life, at a time when our deepened understanding of how relationships work offers us the potential of deep human connections that are unusual, if not impossible, prior to our accumulating life-experience.

Episode 4-15: Polyamory and PINO

Sun, 16 Jun 2024 00:00:00 -0700

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that is slowly making its way into our societal mainstream. (As we’ve noted in previous episodes, monogamy or serial monogamy comprise the vast majority of socially-sanctioned long-term committed relationships in our society--- but perhaps 5% of adult intimate relationships in the US are polyamorous.)

As someone with years of immersion in the polyamorous community, I’ve noted a number of relationships that their participants label as polyamorous, but which seem to lack one or more of the fundamental traits of polyamory. To coin a new term, I think of those as examples of PINO: Polyamory In Name Only. In this episode, we’ll explore why that may be an apt label in at least some of these cases.

Episode 4-14: Open Relationships, Swinging, and Polyamory

Sun, 09 Jun 2024 09:00:00 -0700

Lifestyles that fall outside our society’s mainstream often come with associated terminology that is unfamiliar and potentially confusing to many. While labels can be misleading or artificially confining, they can also clarify important concepts.

In this episode, we’ll explore three terms that describe non-traditional relationships: open relationships, swinging, and polyamory. We’ll see how these are related, and how they each describe potentially rewarding alternatives to mainstream monogamous relationships.

Episode 4-13: First, Do No Harm

Sun, 02 Jun 2024 00:00:00 -0700

One of the guiding principles for physicians is captured in Hippocrates’ admonition to “first, do no harm” in the process of trying to help a patient. The Hippocratic Oath includes a similar commitment. These statements remind physicians of their commitment to try to improve the well-being of their patients.

The spirit of “first, do no harm” applies to the conduct of healthy relationships, as well. If we care for someone, we will focus our efforts on bringing them good (as best we understand it), and on avoiding intentionally harming them. In this episode, we’ll consider how this orientation shapes the behavior of partners in a mutually-beneficial intimate relationship.

Episode 4-12: Is Intimacy Transactional?

Sun, 24 Mar 2024 00:00:00 -0700

The well-known sex educator and podcaster Dan Savage has stated his belief that all loving relationships are transactional. In contrast with that, there is the proposal that true love is unconditional. Can these two polar positions be reconciled?

In this episode, we’ll consider what it means for a relationship to be transactional, and we’ll also envision what an unconditional relationship might look like. We’ll then consider what these two perspectives have in common, to try to gain a broader and more inclusive understanding of the nature of intimate relationship.

Episode 4-11: Living on the Edge

Sun, 17 Mar 2024 00:00:00 -0700

One of the things that I’ve observed about the sex-positive community is that many of its members differ in significant ways from the mainstream population. That’s reflected in the lifestyle preferences of these community members, as well as in how they interact with one another.

We’ll explore some of these differences in this episode, and we’ll see that living outside the mainstream calls for the personal attribute that was the focus of our previous episode: courage. We’ll also note the many benefits that are open to those who do choose to live a self-examined and self-determined life.

Episode 4-10: Courageous Connections

Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 -0800

Connecting intimately with another human being can sometimes be a scary thing. Deep connection requires vulnerability and radical authenticity, and both of those can expose a person to potential hurt. Yet, without accepting the risks inherent in relationship, one cannot reap the many benefits of deep connection.

In this episode, we’ll consider why risk is inherent in relationship, and we’ll then entertain how that risk can be managed. That will help clarify why courage is a prime requisite for living in intimate connection.

Episode 4-9: The Magic Trick

Sun, 03 Mar 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In our last two episodes, we considered the idea of socially-constructed “sexual imperatives” that constrain our sexual expression, as described by Dr. Emily Nagoski in her new book, “Come Together”. We then examined the possibility of living an “erotic” life, in which all of our experiences are expressions of the flow of life-energy.

In this episode, we’ll take a look at a kind of experience that becomes possible when we’re living a life in touch with our erotic essence. We’ll explore a very special kind of deep human connection in which our sexuality provides a path to personal transcendence.

Episode 4-8: Beyond Sex

Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:00:00 -0800

Our previous episode considered a number of socially-constructed “sexual imperatives” (or expectations and limitations) that were cited in Dr. Emily Nagoski’s new book, “Come Together”. That book also described another topic that I find both important and fascinating: the transcendent potential of human connection. In this episode, I’ll explore that concept, and relate it to my own experiences.

Episode 4-7: Sexual Imperatives

Sun, 18 Feb 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In her wonderful and informative new book, “Come Together”, the sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski extends the lucid understanding of how sex works that she delivered in “Come As You Are”.

In this episode, I’d like to share and comment on an observation that I believe is relevant to all thinking adults who wish to determine the course of their own sexuality: the notion of “sexual imperatives”.

Episode 4-6: Revisiting the Sexual Response Cycle

Sun, 11 Feb 2024 00:00:00 -0800

In my prior episode, I highlighted the scientific field of sexology, and I described why I believe that sexology is relevant to everyone who is striving to live a fulfilling life. I noted that sexual misinformation is widespread, and that it damages society.

In this episode, I’d like to take that theme a bit further, by focusing on a topic that is especially misunderstood by many: the human sexual response cycle.

Episode 4-5: The Importance of Sexology

Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:00:00 -0800

I recently had the pleasure of participating in a thank-you event for a friend and colleague who is a fellow sҽxologist. From the many glowing comments I heard, it’s clear that my friend has made many contributions to her professional community. At least as importantly, she has touched many lives.

In this post, we’ll revisit what sҽxology is, and why it matters in our society. We’ll consider why and how it provides essential support for the full expression of our humanity.

Episode 4-4: Morality and Relationships

Sun, 28 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0800

Human sexuality is a strong force, which impacts both personal lives and the fabric of society in many ways. Not surprisingly, then, sex can stir up some very strong feelings in people. Similarly, the expression of sexuality can provoke both strong reactions and constraints in many if not most societies.

In this post, we’ll take a look at a connection that bears on this uneasy relationship between sex and society: how morality enters the realm of sexuality. It’s important to understand this connection, if we as individuals are to be able to comfortably and responsibly enjoy the gift of sexuality.

Episode 4-3: Kinds of Connection

Sun, 21 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0800

I’ve recently been wondering about why I’ve had such an intense longstanding interest in deep human connections, even in childhood. While many of my peers seemed to be focused on sports, or having adventures, or running in popular social circles, I was drawn to the exploration and understanding of intimacy. Why?

We’ve previously explored the three realms in which human connection plays out: the physical, mental and emotional planes (with the latter including spiritual experiences). In this episode, we’ll consider the very special role filled by intimate relationships.

Episode 4-2: Learning to Love

Sun, 14 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0800

I recently came across a book that I found to be full of thought-provoking observations: All About Love, by the feminist and cultural critic bell hooks. That work deals with what is perhaps the central orienting theme in intimate relationships: our desire for love, and how that desire plays out in our lives.

In this episode, we’ll explore some of bell’s often-pointed views on what love is, how we acquire our understanding of love, and how we try to bring it into our daily life. Hopefully, that understanding will help us in our ability to create and sustain truly loving relationships.

Episode 4-1: Becoming Invisible

Sun, 07 Jan 2024 00:00:00 -0800

As is often observed in the media, our society is facing a tsunami of loneliness and alienation. In 2023, the US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy published a report titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”, in which he describes the prevalence, effects and possible cures for loneliness.

One aspect of this problem is that of people feeling that they are “invisible” to one another. In this episode, we’ll explore this phenomenon, and some of its causes.

Episode 3-53: Taking Stock

Sun, 31 Dec 2023 00:00:00 -0800

As the end of another year approaches, I’d like to recommend a practice that has long held meaning for me: taking stock of the preceding year of my relationship experiences. I see that as a good way to learn as much as possible from the last year of living, as well as a good way to prepare for a meaningful year ahead.

In this episode, I’ll share a few highlights of what I’ve learned, and what I look forward to. While the reflections that I’ll share are very personal and individual, I believe that they’ll resonate with many or most people who are also trying to live a conscious life. Perhaps that’s a sort of (belated) “Christmas present” to the Two Open Doors community!

Standing in the present

Episode 3-52: Fear and Relationships

Sun, 24 Dec 2023 00:00:00 -0800

At first blush, there might seem to be no connection between fear and the role it might play in relationships--- yet in fact, fear is very relevant throughout the entire life-cycle of intimate relationships. In this episode, we’ll take a look at the particulars of this reality.

Episode 3-51: What are the “God” and “Goddess” in Us?

Sun, 17 Dec 2023 00:00:00 -0800

In Tantric cosmology, the universe is created and filled by two inseparable deities: Shiva and Shakti. Shiva is seen as the embodiment of masculinity, while Shakti embodies the feminine. Shiva manifests the state of being in existence, which focuses on the static aspect of existing. In contrast, Shakti manifests the flow of energy that animates everything in existence; that role is fundamentally dynamic.

Contemporary people who have a tantric perspective on life find Shiva and Shakti very relevant to their daily lives. In this episode, we’ll consider how the spirits of the “god” and “goddess” play out in our life.

Episode 3-50: The Importance of a Secure Base

Sun, 10 Dec 2023 00:00:00 -0800

In prior episodes, we’ve seen that attachment theory can provide many insights into how relationships function. That theory proposes how infants and children learn to relate to others, and how they form a self-image that’s essential if they are to see themselves as worthy of love and support. Relationships evolve over time, and the relevance and utility of attachment theory carry over into adult relationships.

One of the concepts put forward in attachment theory is that of a secure base. That term describes how a child’s caretaker can provide the safety, security and support that enable a child to explore the world in order to learn. In this episode, we’ll explore how the partners in an intimate relationship can serve as a secure base for one another, to enable each partner to develop as a participant in their relationship.

Episode 3-49: Revisiting Attachment

Sun, 03 Dec 2023 00:00:00 -0800

In numerous prior episodes, we’ve taken a look at attachment theory, and its many implications for adult relationships. We’ve seen that personal attachment style is a strong factor in determining our predispositions as to how we interact with others… as well as in how we see ourselves.

There’s far more to be said about “attachment”, though--- starting with how that term is defined. In this episode, we’ll consider another perspective on attachment, one that is a central theme in several Eastern belief-systems, such as Buddhism.

Episode 3-48: Relationship Transitions

Sun, 26 Nov 2023 00:00:00 -0800

Relationships evolve, often in fairly-predictable ways, but sometimes taking unexpected twisting turns. In a prior episode titled “The Relationship Life-Cycle’”, we identified six different stages that an intimate relationship can pass through. Since change is effectively inevitable in relationships, it’s good to understand not only these relationship states or stages, but also the conditions that tend to drive transitions between these. In this episode, we’ll explore some of the factors that can drive relationships to evolve.

Episode 3-47: Opening an Intimate Relationship

Sun, 19 Nov 2023 00:00:00 -0800

Those who are in a long-term committed relationship almost invariably encounter a cooling of the romantic fire in their relationship. As we’ve noted in prior episodes, attraction and physical passion are at least partially driven by physiological influences that naturally wane over time. As a result, many initially-passionate relationships transition into a loving but less-passionate “companionate” relationship, over a period of months to years.

As we’ve also previously noted, novelty and excitement are as essential to relationship satisfaction as are security and predictability. “Open” relationships offer one possible path to introducing novelty and excitement into a committed relationship. We’ll explore that possibility here.

Episode 3-46: Keeping an Intimate Relationship from "Fossilizing"

Sun, 12 Nov 2023 00:00:00 -0800

As we all know, relationships evolve. Even those relationships that start off full of light and fire can and usually do cool over time. In some cases, the connection between partners may weaken to the point that it no longer sustains a relationship, in which case the partners may separate. In other cases, the partners may choose to stay together, but with a more emotionally-distant connection. The resulting attenuated connection can become a “fossil” of what it was before.

Despite these tendencies, it’s possible to revitalize a flagging relationship so as to give it new life. That possibility doesn’t rely on forms of artificial “life-support”, but rather on a re-connection with and a deepening of what previously linked the partners. We’ll explore that hopeful possibility, in this episode.

Episode 3-45: Coda to Independence, Co-dependence and Interdependence

Sun, 05 Nov 2023 00:00:00 -0700

We recently reviewed the differences between three “dependence styles” (or ways of interacting with partners to obtain support and validation). As we saw, neither true independence (i.e. complete self-reliance) nor co-dependence (or inappropriate dependence on a partner) are healthy or sustainable. In contrast, interdependence enables an appropriate balance of self-reliance with appropriate dependence on others.

In this episode, we’ll further consider the benefits and the requisites for living a life of interdependence with others.

Episode 3-44: Independence, Co-dependence and Interdependence

Sun, 29 Oct 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In large part, people are drawn into relationship with one another to satisfy their needs and desires. In a well-functioning relationship, each member of a couple provides specific things to their partner, and that’s done in a reciprocal way.

In our prior episode titled “Relationship and the Hierarchy of Needs”, we considered the range of human needs, conceptualized by Abraham Maslow as a hierarchy of needs. We went on to review refinements to Maslow’s theory, leading up to an attachment-based hierarchy that I proposed. Let’s now use that model to examine the differences between distinct dependence styles, or ways that a person can relate to others: independence, co-dependence and interdependence.

Episode 3-43: Two Open Doors: The Book

Sun, 22 Oct 2023 00:00:00 -0700

To bring the Two Open Doors message to a broader audience, I have assembled the blogs that I’ve written to date into book form. (The initial release will be in Kindle e-book form, to be followed by a paperback.) I’m grateful for the suggestions and encouragement that I’ve received in taking on this project; my hope is that it will prove to be a valuable resource for those who seek deep connection.

This book is the culmination of many years of work. It’s a very personal piece of work, as well as being the fruit of much learning and investigation.

While there are a seemingly-endless number of self-help books available, this work targets something a bit different: filling a gap in our education, regarding the centrally-important skills required to build healthy and satisfying bridges of meaningful relationship with the important people in our lives.

Episode 3-42: Welcoming What's Offered

Sun, 15 Oct 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As we’ve seen in prior episodes, intimate relationships offer many distinct benefits. That makes it important for us to determine what our relationship goals are, for each of our close connections.

One of the larger challenges that can confront us in relationships is a misalignment between what we’d like a relationship to be, and what it actually offers us. That is, what we want (or need) may not be the same as what our partner is offering us, based on their own needs and desires. Such a mismatch can have grave consequences for the relationship, ranging up to and including the loss of that connection.

In this episode, we’ll explore this potential conflict, as well as how we can navigate it to maintain healthy and mutually-satisfying intimate relationships.

Episode 3-41: Highway to Heaven: Sex as Soul-Work

Sun, 08 Oct 2023 00:00:00 -0700

Most adults have experienced the physical pleasures that sex offers. We’re aware of the delights that adult sexual “play” can bring us and our partner. Sex can be a primal in-the-moment experience.

In contrast with such experiences, sex can also be a key that unlocks a range of human experiences that take us way beyond pleasure, and into a realm that provides access to some experiences that vastly transcend the occurrences of daily life. In this episode, we’ll explore how sex can serve as a bridge that can connect us deeply with others.

Episode 3-40: Relationship and the Hierarchy of Needs

Sun, 01 Oct 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As we’ve discussed in prior episodes, our relationships fulfill a variety of needs that we have as humans. Different relationships can address different needs; for that reason, it’s important for us to determine what we seek from each of our relationships.

As a framework for considering relationship needs, it’s useful to think about the various perspectives that have been proposed for describing human needs. In this episode, we’ll review one such well-known framework, and we’ll consider how that model of needs has evolved. I’ll close with some of my own thoughts as to what needs are served by our relationships.

Episode 3-39: Hurt in Relationships

Sun, 24 Sep 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As human beings, we all hold the potential to hurt others, including those we love. Often, that hurt is unintentional, though in some cases, we may have an intention to inflict hurt.

In this episode, we’ll consider some of the possible sources of hurt in our relationships. We’ll take a look at how we can manage that hurt, to minimize its damaging effects. We’ll also consider the various ways in which we can respond to those who hurt us.

Episode 3-38: Is Deep Connection Compatible with Polyamory?

Sun, 17 Sep 2023 00:00:00 -0700

The central theme of Two Open Doors is the miracle and mystery of deep human connection, which is the possibility of two human beings intertwining their lives on the planes of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual reality. Though few (or none) of us are able to consistently sustain such intimate connection, we’ve all tasted at least occasional smatterings of that richness. Such times are memorable.

In this episode, we’ll consider the complex and convoluted question of whether such deep connection is possible with more than one partner. That is, we’ll entertain the question of whether deep connection is compatible with polyamory, or having “many loves”.

Episode 3-37: Benefits of Relationship

Sun, 10 Sep 2023 00:00:00 -0700

A desire for connection is deeply wired into the DNA of being human. As a very social species, we humans rely on one another for support and satisfaction; people are interdependent.

In this episode, we’ll take a look at what benefits relationship offers us, on three separate planes: physical, mental and emotional. Different kinds of relationships offer a different mix of benefits, on each of these planes.

Episode 3-36: Soulmates

Sun, 03 Sep 2023 00:00:00 -0700

What do you think of, when you hear the term “soulmates”? Do you envision that old couple who walk down the street each afternoon, hand-in-hand? Do you see a pair of partners who seem to read each other’s thoughts, with little or no audible speech? Do you recognize soulmates by some indescribable look in their eyes as they connect, a look that seems to say “forever”?

In this episode, we’ll take a look at the notion of soulmates, we’ll consider what it takes to be soulmates with someone, and we’ll think about whether we might want to seek out a soulmate for ourselves.

Episode 3-35: What Makes a Relationship "Primary"?

Sun, 27 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In a number of prior episodes, we’ve explored the notion of a relationship hierarchy, considering the many ways in which relationships can differ, as well as the ways in which we decide what we seek from each relationship, and the ways and extent to which we invest ourselves in each relationship.

In this episode, we’ll take a look at the possibility of our having “primary” relationships, and we’ll consider the things that might make such relationships very special. We’ll also consider the process through which such relationships might emerge.

Episode 3-34: The Pursuit of Pleasure

Sun, 20 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As embodied organisms, we experience pleasure as one of the most prominent guiding forces in our lives. In our Puritanical society, pleasure often is looked down upon as an unworthy source of motivation and guidance for living a productive and meaningful life. The physical reality, though, is that we are “wired” to be motivated by pleasure (and by the avoidance of pain).

In this episode, we’ll consider that there are two different categories of pleasure: “hedonic”, and “eudaimonic”. We’ll consider how intimate relationships can be a rich source of both kinds of pleasure. We’ll also explore how to give pleasure its proper place in our deep human connections.

Episode 3-33: Managing Commitments

Sun, 13 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In several recent episodes, we’ve taken a look at the roles of commitment in intimate relationships. We’ve seen that the process of commitment arises naturally in the course of deepening of a relationship.

Commitment involves making choices and staying true to those choices. In this episode, we’ll consider how we can responsibly manage our relationships, so as to reinforce the trust that our partners place in our commitments.

Episode 3-32: Aligning Relationship Goals

Sun, 06 Aug 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In choosing who we wish to establish a deeply-connected relationship with, one of the things we should consider is what we want from the prospective relationship--- that is, our relationship goals. That important consideration is often ignored or downplayed in many new relationships, due in part to the temporary “blindness” that can come from New Relationship Energy (NRE).

In this episode, we’ll consider some of the possible goals that we may set for a relationship. We’ll also explore the importance of having good goal-alignment between the two partners in a relationship.

Episode 3-31: A Love Triangle

Sun, 30 Jul 2023 00:00:00 -0700

Love lies at the heart of all intimate connections--- whether those connections are physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, or any combination of those. Despite that essential nature, though, it’s hard to define what love really is.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg offers a “triangular” theory of love, which I think goes far toward capturing the elemental ingredients of love. We’ll explore that fruitful theory, in this episode.

Episode 3-30: Benefits and Costs of Commitment

Sun, 23 Jul 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In our previous episode, we revisited the nature and role of commitment in deeply-connected relationships, and we then focused on the benefits and costs of uncommitted relationships. In this episode, we’ll drop the other shoe, and look at the benefits and costs of committed relationships. Taken together, this and the previous episode will give us what we need in order to make more-informed choices in each of our significant relationships.

Episode 3-29: Should I Commit?

Sun, 16 Jul 2023 00:00:00 -0700

Suppose you’ve had the good fortune of meeting someone you’re strongly drawn to, and with whom you’d like to establish a connection. You’ve spent some time together, enough to start to get to know one another fairly well--- and the magic of initial attraction seems to still be there. Where do you go from here?

Relationships evolve, as we’ve noted in prior episodes. Even if one doesn’t follow the sequence of relationship phases defined in the socially-prescribed “relationship escalator”, satisfying and meaningful relationships do tend to deepen. In this episode, we’ll re-examine the notion of commitment, and we’ll consider both the benefits and the costs associated with uncommitted relationships. In the following episode, we’ll put committed relationships through the same process.

Episode 3-28: Assessing Compatibility

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In several prior episodes, such as in Episode 2-18 titled “The Mystery of Compatibility”, we’ve delved into the multitude of factors that play into whether two individuals are a good “fit” for one another, in a given kind of relationship. We’ve noted that personality, personal history, and the circumstances in which people meet are all factors that affect degree of compatibility.

In this episode, we’ll give further consideration to what one can do, in assessing the likelihood of a mutually-satisfying deep connection with a new relationship prospect. Obviously, that sort of assessment is at least as much art as science--- but there are things we can do to increase our chances of success in creating a fulfilling new connection.

Episode 3-27: Partners

Sun, 02 Jul 2023 00:00:00 -0700

We can distinguish different levels of connection between people. We all interact with acquaintances in our daily life; these are basically people with whom we have no substantial or ongoing connection. We also are fortunate to have friends, or people with whom we share companionship, discussion and camaraderie, and life-adventures.

In this episode, we’ll consider a third category of people: partners. We’ll consider what distinguishes partners from acquaintances and friends. We’ll also explore how different people choose the partners with whom they wish to share their lives in a deep way.

Episode 3-26: Solo Polyamory

Sun, 25 Jun 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As we’ve noted in prior episodes, polyamory includes a multitude of specific forms of relationship. This stands in contrast with monogamy (at least as usually practiced in western cultures), which generally comes with one associated set of social norms and expectations regarding partner behavior.

In this episode, we’ll examine a particular style of polyamory called “solo” polyamory, and we’ll put that in the context of polyamory in general.

Episode 3-25: Respect, Boundaries, Rules and Agreements

Sun, 18 Jun 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As we’ve noted in many earlier episodes, safety and respect are the bedrock for healthy relationships. If a relationship lacks those qualities, one or both participants will almost certainly experience fear, which in turn will drive them to take a closed and defensive stance.

In this episode, we’ll consider how partners can negotiate rules and agreements regarding their conduct, so as to maintain feelings of safety and respect in their relationship.

Episode 3-24: Sҽx in Context

Sun, 11 Jun 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In our society, sҽx is often thought of as a physical activity--- a particular set of actions through which people can connect with one another. From a broader perspective, though, sҽx is a multi-faceted thing that can create connections at the mental, emotional and spiritual levels, as well as at the physical level.

In this episode, we’ll consider these various facets of sҽxual connection, and we’ll also consider what we can do to help us develop our ability to experience sҽx in its fullest expression.

Episode 3-23: People Who Need People

Sun, 04 Jun 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As the Barbara Streisand song “People Who Need People” suggests, those of us who “need people” in our lives are the “luckiest people in the world”. We humans are built for community. We thrive in the presence of others, and can wither if we’re isolated.

In this episode, we’ll explore four broad areas in which we benefit from the company of others: they provide companionship; they help validate us; they contribute to our growth; and they let us engage in rich social interactions, by providing us with feedback.

Episode 3-22: Love is Special

Sun, 28 May 2023 00:00:00 -0700

“Love” is a deceptively anodyne and ambiguous term that can mean different things to different people. Most people value being loved; love makes the world go ‘round. Why is love so highly-prized? We’ll consider that, in this episode.

Episode 3-21: Sҽx and Aging

Sun, 21 May 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As the saying goes, “time wounds all heels”. Getting older is one of those inevitable realities in life; it comes with a welter of challenges and issues--- as well as with benefits. In this episode, we’ll consider what those include, and how advancing age affects the intimate connections in our lives. As we’ll see, the picture isn’t nearly as bleak as how some people see aging.

Episode 3-20: Traits to Nurture Relationships- Part 2

Sun, 14 May 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In our previous episode on Traits to Nurture Relationship, we explored some of the personal traits that can promote or hinder the maintenance of healthy deeply-connected relationships. We considered how those traits can affect attitudes toward and beliefs about their partner, and how those attitudes and beliefs can play out in how a person treats their partner.

In that episode, we delved deeper into relationship-relevant personal traits. In this episode, we’ll go deeper into some personal attitudes and beliefs that affect one’s relationships, and we’ll also consider how one’s treatment of a partner can play into relationship success.

Episode 3-19: Traits to Nurture Relationships

Sun, 07 May 2023 00:00:00 -0700

Human relationships play out through the interactions between two people. Unsurprisingly, many factors enter into those interactions. Those factors include traits or attributes of the partners who are interacting. Other factors consist of how the partners treat each other.

In this episode, we’ll consider a range of factors that can either strengthen and nurture relationships, or undermine and weaken them. Here, we’ll describe three categories of relationship traits that can deeply affect relationships, and we’ll see how those categories are related to one another. In the following episodes, we’ll delve into each of those three categories, in more detail.

Episode 3-18: Sҽx-Positivity and Social Justice

Sun, 30 Apr 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As the potent force that it is in people’s lives, sҽx is hedged with social norms, strictures and expectations. Since sҽx is such a central individual and social concern, one might expect sҽxual expression to be a fundamental individual right.

In actuality, sҽxual prerogatives differ across various social classes. Not everyone has uniform access to sҽxual opportunities. In this episode, we’ll explore some of the connections that exist between sҽx-positivity and social justice.

Episode 3-17: Power Exchange

Sun, 23 Apr 2023 00:00:00 -0700

A sҽxual exchange isn’t just about pleasure; it also entails a power interaction between the two partners. We touched on many aspects of this in last week’s episode, in which we featured an interview with an expert in the alternative sҽxual practices that constitute BDSM. However, power dynamics are also at play in more mainstream sҽxual exchanges.

In this episode, we’ll consider some of the ways in which power dynamics manifest themselves in sҽxual exchanges. We’ll also look at the psychological aspects of such exchanges.

Episode 3-16: BDSM Panorama

Sun, 16 Apr 2023 00:00:00 -0700

Many Two Open Doors listeners are aware of the sexual practices that go under the label of BDSM. In today's episode, we'll hear about this topic from a seasoned long-term practitioner and expert. During this hour-long interview between Dr. Claude and sex and intimacy coach Ezra Pryor, we'll explore many different facets of this intriguing subject. We'll close with some recommended resources for those who may want to explore further.

Episode 3-15: Losing a Deep Connection

Sun, 09 Apr 2023 20:00:00 -0700

I recently came across a blog post by one of my favorite authors, Dr. T J Jordan, in the Medium online magazine. In that article, she addressed a condition that most or all of us have encountered, at one time or another: the loss of an intimate relationship that has been central in our lives. Such occurrences may (hopefully) not be frequent, but they can have an outsized impact on our emotional state.

In this episode, I’ll share some of my own perspectives and observations regarding this important topic. My hope is that with better understanding, my readers will be better able to mitigate the impact of losses of deep connections.

Episode 3-14: Sҽxual Preferences

Sun, 02 Apr 2023 00:00:00 -0700

As we’ve noted in many prior episodes, human sҽxuality is complicated. It engages all aspects of our humanity: our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual essence. Every individual “blends” these dimensions in a different and unique way.

In this episode, we’ll explore one of the many areas in which people differ: our sҽxual and sensual preferences. This will give us a better understanding of why sҽx is such fertile ground for play, and for learning about ourselves and our partners.

Episode 3-13: Panning for Gold

Sun, 26 Mar 2023 00:00:00 -0700

I personally see it as unfortunate that sex-positivity is relatively rare in our society. As an example, while meaningful statistics are hard to come by, it’s estimated that perhaps 4%-5% of American adults practice some form of polyamory. Adhering to the “relationship escalator” is much more main-stream.

What this implies is that finding kindred spirits to relate to can be rather challenging. In this episode, we’ll dig further into this challenge, and into some possible ways to address it.

Episode 3-12: Emotions and EQ

Sun, 19 Mar 2023 00:00:00 -0700

In our previous episode, we took a look at what “emotions” are, at bottom, and how they relate to “feelings” or “affect”. Our reason for considering those topics was that they play a central role in how relationships work.

In this episode, we’ll take an additional step and consider the role of emotions in “emotional intelligence”, or “EQ”. As we’ll see, emotional intelligence serves as the foundation of healthy and thriving relationships.

Episode 3-11: Emotions and Feelings

Sun, 12 Mar 2023 00:00:00 -0800

Emotions are a big component of human relationships. They reflect our responses to another person--- what we see in that person, how similar or dissimilar they seem to be relative to us, and how they affect our internal state. Emotions are related to the concept of feelings, which also play a big role in relationships. While the term “feelings” is often used synonymously with “emotions” in popular speech, they’re different, and those differences are important to our understanding of relationships. (Note that there’s considerable divergence in how these terms are defined, even within the professional psychology and neurobiology literature.)

In this episode, we’ll explore both emotions and feelings, and we’ll see the role that those fill in the “architecture” of relationships. Our explorations will provide us with a foundation for thinking about “emotional intelligence”, or “EQ”, in a later episode.

Episode 3-10: Balancing Self and Others

Sun, 05 Mar 2023 00:00:00 -0800

A relationship takes place between two people--- each of which seeks to meet both their own interests and desires, and those of their partner. That means that any relationship entails an ongoing balancing-act between these two different, and sometimes competing, interests. In effect, there are three distinct entities present in any relationship: the two partners (as individuals), and the shared entity of their relationship, which they co-create.

In this episode, we’ll consider how self and other can be balanced in a way that is beneficial and nurturing to both partners.

Episode 3-9: Commitment in Maturing Relationships

Sun, 26 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0800

Relationships don’t develop in an inflexible and linear manner, as is posited in the popular “relationship escalator” model for relationships. Still, there is some regularity to relationship evolution. At some point, for some (but not all) intimate relationships, the tone of the relationship may shift from giddy delight in each other’s presence, to a growing desire to spend more time together and become a regular part of each other’s lives. A desire to bond with one another can develop, driven mainly by the influence of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.

The bonding phase of a relationship is characterized by the partners’ desire to invest in their relationship, physically (such as by moving in together) and psychologically (such as by emotionally feeling that they’ve become a couple). Feelings of growing attachment can lead to growing commitment to one another. While feelings of attachment are involuntary, commitment entails making conscious and voluntary decisions. This episode explores how commitment plays into a deepening intimate relationship.

Episode 3-8: Meaning and Relationship

Sun, 19 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0800

I think most of us would conclude that our relationships can be a great source of meaning in our lives. We’d also likely agree that well-functioning relationships can make us happy. Are “meaning” and “happiness” synonymous? If not, how do they differ? In this episode, we’ll consider how meaning and happiness are related, and how each of those concepts plays into relationship.

Episode 3-7: The Relationship Game

Sun, 12 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0800

Over the last few episodes, I’ve shared a view of how relationships evolve through a set of relationship states, passing through what we’ve termed a relationship “life-cycle”. We’ve noted that each of our relationships has one or more relationship goals at each point of its life-cycle--- goals such as friendship, or romantic connection, or emotional connection. We’ve seen that relationships play out through the course of interactions between partners.

In this episode, I’d like to describe the Two Open Doors Relationship Game, which I’ve developed based on all of the preceding observations about how relationships work. I believe that the Game is a useful tool for exploring relationships, both in a personal-development setting, and perhaps in a therapeutic setting.

Episode 3-6: How Relationships Change

Sun, 05 Feb 2023 00:00:00 -0800

In our previous episode, we took a “birds-eye” look at the nature of relationships: their embodiment in the ongoing interactions between pairs of people; the various goals, or purposes, that a relationship may fill; and the reality that relationships evolve through a particular set of relationship states, rather than being static and unchanging.

In this episode, we’ll take the next step and examine how a relationship flows from one state to another. That will give us insights into how we can achieve and sustain desirable and satisfying states, while minimizing the risk of falling into undesirable and painful relationship states.

Episode 3-5: What is Relationship?

Sun, 29 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0800

What is a “relationship” between humans? We all know, right? Well--- yes, but it’s still worth thinking about in a bit of detail. Relationships are, after all, a rich source of meaning in our lives. That makes them worth understanding, so that we can take proper care of them.

In this episode, we'll take a look at the nature or human relationship, by exploring what I think of as the "relationship life-cycle": a set of stages or states that a relationship can progress through during its lifespan, along with the various transitions that can occur between those states.

Episode 3-4: The Relationship "Life-Cycle"

Sun, 22 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0800

In past episodes, we’ve looked at many different aspects of relationship. We’ve noted that relationships differ in terms of what the partners seek from the relationship (and from each other); in how good an initial “fit” there is between them (that is, in their degree of compatibility); in terms of what each partner brings to the relationship, including both gifts and deficits or vulnerabilities; and in terms of how each partner experiences their relationship interactions, at the physical, cognitive, emotional and spiritual levels.

In this episode, we’ll look past all of this variation, to discern that there is some regularity across relationships. We’ll look at what I think of as the “relationship life-cycle”. Using that as a framework, we’ll see what stages a relationship can evolve through, and what changes or transitions are available to the partners, at each stage of a relationship.

Episode 3-3: Age and Relationship

Sun, 15 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0800

As the saying goes, “Time heals all wounds” (or, as I sometimes say, “Time wounds all heels”). The passing years change us, making us the individuals that we are today. That change plays out in all aspects of our lives--- including our relationships.

In this episode, we’ll take a look at what sorts of changes we can expect in our relationships. We’ll also consider how to accommodate those changes with grace, so that change serves a useful and constructive purpose in our lives.

Episode 3-2: Differing Gifts

Sun, 08 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0800

Relationship offers people many things. We humans require a “diet” that includes not only our physical needs, such as food, water and shelter, but also a number of psychological needs that are no less important. Companionship, feelings of social validation and acceptance, feelings of perceives worth and trust in others, and sensual or sexual connection are among these additional necessary “nutrients”.

Finding all of these elements in any one companion is a tall order, indeed. In fact, even if that were possible (which seems unlikely), asking any one person to provide all of this sustenance for us would lay a tremendous burden on that person. In this episode, we’ll consider whether there might be more realistic, sustainable and fair ways to meet our needs.

Episode 3-1: Being "Normal"

Sun, 01 Jan 2023 00:00:00 -0800

The most common question that a sꬴxologist or sꬴx therapist encounters is “Am I normal?”. It seems that most people are deeply concerned about how their sꬴxual preferences, desires and actions compare with those of others. That isn’t too surprising, given the social nature of our species.

At the same time that we may seek to fit in with those around us, we also crave the freedom to follow our heart, wherever it may lead us. In this episode, we’ll explore the balance between those opposing desires, and we’ll consider the upside and downside of conformity.

Episode 2-52: Relationship Evolution

Sun, 25 Dec 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Relationships are a living, breathing thing. They usually grow from tentative initial flickerings of interest, through a phase of growth or contraction, and--- for those that take root--- into a potentially long period of relative stability. Eventually, there may be a time of decline--- or, sometimes, an explosive ending.

Successful and satisfying relationships require a balance between allowing the form of a relationship to reveal itself, and avoiding a possible temptation to take the relationship in directions that don’t suit it. In this episode, we’ll explore how one can strive to strike this artful balance.

Episode 2-51: Personal Choices and Social Expectations

Sun, 18 Dec 2022 00:00:00 -0800

As adults, we make decisions that shape our lives. We have the opportunity to choose actions and a life-path that suits our goals and our needs. We’re each ultimately responsible for our own happiness, and for living a life that’s meaningful to us. Our partners in life can support us, but they can’t choose our path.

In this episode, we’ll consider the reality that we make personal decisions within the context of expectations and norms that society lays down for us. That sometimes creates a tension between what we might really want, and what’s socially expected of us. Navigating that balance can be challenging.

Episode 2-50: "Style" in Polyamory

Sun, 11 Dec 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Polyamory is far from a uniform and unvarying way of relating to others; instead, as seems true for most things involving humans, polyamory exhibits a wide range of variation. In this post, we’ll explore some of the many ways in which a given person can choose to show their love for more than one partner. Note that while our reflections here are focused on polyamory, a similar situation holds for monogamous relationships.

Episode 2-49 Choosing and Being Chosen

Sun, 04 Dec 2022 00:00:00 -0800

As we’ve noted in prior episodes, at-a-distance attraction can bring people together, and the subsequent “chemistry” of interaction between them may then cement a relationship (or shut it down). In this episode, we’ll take a look at what follows this initial phase: that is, the possibility of choosing to initiate and nurture a new relationship.

Episode 2-48: Valuing Deep Connection

Sun, 27 Nov 2022 00:00:00 -0800

This episode takes us in a new direction: an exploration of how to make the Two Open Doors community and its various expressions (podcast, Facebook group, Meet-Up group and website) more useful and relevant to those who seek deep connections in their lives. The thinking behind today’s episode may (hopefully) provide good insights into needed mid-course corrections.

Episode 2-47: Touch

Sun, 20 Nov 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Human touch is a marvelous and complicated thing. In addition to providing us with information about the world around us, touch is a powerful and versatile form of communication--- so much so, that it has been accorded the term “haptic communication”. In this post, we’ll explore the major facets of touch, and how it works. In an effort to stimulate conversation about this important topic, we’ll close with some thought-provoking questions about touch.

Episode 2-46: Purity Culture

Sun, 13 Nov 2022 00:00:00 -0800

This post focuses on a topic that is challenging for many (including myself): the notion of “purity culture”. While purity culture is certainly not a uniquely American phenomenon, it is all too common in conservative religious circles in our country--- and it can do untold damage. Purity culture is a cross-cultural, cross-religion phenomenon; it’s especially prevalent in many evangelical Christian religions. We’ll take a look at the specifics.

Episode 2-45: Different Thirsts

Sun, 06 Nov 2022 00:00:00 -0700

We human beings need a variety of different things to sustain us. Beyond our purely physical needs, such as breathing, eating and sleeping, we also need psychic sustenance. That, too, comes in different forms.

In this post, we’ll contemplate what we need to receive in order to stay healthy in mind, emotions and spirit. Just as more oxygen to breathe won’t help us if we’re dehydrated, we’ll see that our emotional, mental and spiritual health is maintained by different things--- and that we need a balance of those things to sustain us.

Episode 2-44: Sharing Information in Relationships

Sun, 30 Oct 2022 00:00:00 -0700

As we’ve discussed in prior posts, good communication between partners is one of the basic requirements for maintaining a healthy relationship. That communication needs to occur regularly, it needs to be honest but kind, and it needs to clearly convey whatever is deemed important by the two partners.

One of the questions that arise in a partnership is what sort of information needs to be shared: what kinds of information, and how much. That’s the focus of this post.

Episode 2-43: Relationship and Community

Sun, 23 Oct 2022 00:00:00 -0700

Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They come into being and they evolve within the context of a society. The communities that we participate in can greatly influence the health of our close relationships.

In this post, we’ll consider why community is important to relationship. Conversely, we’ll also examine the role that people with healthy relationships play in maintaining supportive communities.

Episode 2-42: The Many Faces of Intimacy

Sun, 16 Oct 2022 00:00:00 -0700

A friend recently shared a graphic by Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, depicting intimacy as a multi-faceted thing that two people can share. This diagram was an excellent reminder of the richness that we humans can experience in deep connections. In this week’s episode, we’ll consider the nature of intimacy.

Episode 2-41: A Vision of What's Possible

Sun, 09 Oct 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In this week’s episode, I was inspired to indulge in a little speculation and dreaming about what I believe is possible for deep human relationships. Rather than focus on any of the many aspects of how to practice relationships, I’ll reflect on the vision that inspired me to plant the seeds for a Two Open Doors community.

Episode 2-40: Playful Intimacy

Sun, 02 Oct 2022 00:00:00 -0700

When we think about intimacy, we’re likely to focus on the many functions that emotional closeness plays in our lives: its role as a path to greater self-knowledge and knowledge of our partners; its function as a verbal and emotional communication channel; its sensitivity to, and reinforcement of, the deep trust and respect that are the foundation of any relationship; and other core life-functions. All of this is weighty stuff. This serious side of intimacy gives us needed orientation in how we interact with the dear people in our lives.

There’s another side of intimacy that is no less important or life-affirming: the role of intimacy as a vehicle for adult play. In a sense, the serious side of intimacy tells us how to nurture meaningful deep human relationships. The playful side of intimacy describes why intimacy should be important to us: what good things it brings into our lives, and how a capacity for intimacy makes us better people. We’ll focus on these themes, in this post.

Episode 2-39: Relationship Energy

Sun, 25 Sep 2022 00:00:00 -0700

What is “relationship energy”, and how does it play into our relationships? As we’ve discussed in prior posts, relationships are a living, breathing thing; the tone of our relationships changes over time, as partners get to know one another better, and share more time and experience together. Relationship energy is a term that can be used to describe the tone, feel and focus of a relationship, as it evolves.

In this post, we’ll explore the process of relationship evolution. We’ll take a look at two particular types, or “flavors” of relationship energy. As we’ll see, each of these offers something unique, and different, and “yummy” in different ways.

Episode 2-38: Wanting

Sun, 18 Sep 2022 00:00:00 -0700

As we all know, relationships can sometimes provoke some very strong and not necessarily positive reactions in us. How we manage those reactions can determine the course and even the ultimate destiny of those relationships. Taking to heart the dictum that “forewarned is forearmed”, in this post we’ll explore the nature of these reactions, and how we can constructively manage them.

Episode 2-37: Attunement

Sun, 11 Sep 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In the course of my relationship and intimacy coaching practice, I have occasionally been asked to describe what I see as the key attributes in a healthy and satisfying relationship. While there are of course many important attributes, there’s one that rises to the top of my list: attunement.

In this post, we’ll explore what attunement is, and why it’s so important in deeply-connected relationships.

Episode 2-36: Looking Back

Sun, 04 Sep 2022 00:00:00 -0700

This issue marks the 52nd post in the Two Open Doors podcast. It has been a full year since the start of this adventure!

As a reflective individual, I see this as a good time for a brief retrospective: an occasion to look back over the course we’ve run, to highlight some key learnings, and to see where the future might take us. After all, relationships and intimacy are huge topics to explore--- so it’s good to have a map and compass. Let's review where we've been!

Episode 2-35: Sẻx-Positivity

Sun, 28 Aug 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In our previous post, we examined the ways in which sẻx serves as a powerful language in the communication between intimate partners. We considered the essential role of touch in intimate interactions, and we also explored how a spiritual element can play a role in taking intimate interactions to a sublime level that isn’t otherwise available to us.

In this post, we’ll step back to focus on the importance of sẻx-positivity in enabling us to enjoy fulfilling intimate experiences. We’ll consider what that term means (and what it doesn’t mean), and we’ll also critically examine some of the commonplace social attitudes and beliefs that make it challenging to maintain a sẻx-positive perspective on life.

Episode 2-34: Sẻx as Language

Sun, 21 Aug 2022 00:00:00 -0700

It has been a while since Two Open Doors last visited a very important topic: human sẻxuality. In this post, we’ll consider one of the many functions of sẻx: its role as a vehicle for communication. We’ll examine why sẻxuality and its cousin, sensuality, can be especially powerful in telling a partner what we’re feeling, what we desire, and how we see that partner.

Episode 2-33: Re-Upping

Sun, 14 Aug 2022 00:00:00 -0700

Commitments can come with a down-side: they can be difficult and often painful to change. That’s certainly true of some socially-recognized and sanctioned commitments, such as a marriage or a mortgage. In our society, those are treated as contracts, or mutually-agreed promises, that can’t be violated without a price being paid.

In this episode, we’ll consider an alternative form of commitment: a renewable relationship, which can offer the affirmation of a contractual relationship, while maintaining a focus on the importance of unforced individual choice.

Episode 2-32: Bringing Out the Best In Us

Sun, 07 Aug 2022 00:00:00 -0700

What are intimate relationships good for, anyway? There seems to be a lot of potential down-side in opening ourselves up to connect deeply with another person. Vulnerability is risky. What’s on the positive side of the ledger?

In this episode, we'll consider the many ways in which being in intimate relationships can help us find and express the things that we might consider the "best" in us, both as unique individuals, and as members of society.

Episode 2-31: What's Your Core?

Sun, 31 Jul 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In recent episodes, we’ve considered the need for compromise and mutual concessions in any relationship. We’ve also explored my proposal that relationships can be sorted into two general categories, based on the associated level of emotional commitment: “core” relationships; and “non-core” relationships, which we might describe by terms such as “peripheral”, or “secondary”, or “lovers” (as distinct from “partners”). While avoiding the potential morass of imposing a hierarchy on relationships, we noted that this distinction has implications for how we manage our relationships.

In this episode, we’ll tackle the difficult question of what gauges we can apply to a particular relationship, to determine whether it’s a core relationship for us.

Episode 2-30: Knowing What You Want

Sun, 24 Jul 2022 18:00:00 -0700

As we’ve repeatedly observed, relationship is a two-way street. As such, a relationship can’t work if the two partners are not agreed as to their goals for the relationship. If anything, significant differences in relationship goals will lead to ongoing friction at best, or to relationship dissolution at worst.

In this post, we’ll take a look at what sorts of goals one might have for a particular relationship. In the context of polyamorous relationships, we’ll further develop the previously-presented notion of “broad” polyamory and “narrow” polyamory. We’ll gain insight from a novel graphical tool that we can use to depict relationship goals.

Episode 2-29: Relationship as a Gift

Sun, 17 Jul 2022 00:00:00 -0700

Satisfying deeply-connected relationships can be one of the most precious “possessions” that we humans can receive. In truth, of course, one cannot “possess” a relationship; rather, in accepting our role in a relationship, we receive the honor of being included as a significant part of someone else’s life. Relationship doesn’t entail “owning” anything, most certainly not a right to having control over another person.

Relationships are perhaps better seen as a gift that we receive, rather than as something that we possess. In this post, we’ll consider this perspective, looking at how two people interact to create a satisfying relationship.

Episode 2-28: Lovers and Partners

Sun, 10 Jul 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In creating intimate relationships with others, we build psychological, emotional and physical connections. Through our intimate connections, we enter into and participate in the lives of those we’re connected to. In this episode, we’ll consider two kinds of intimate relationships: lovers, and partners. We’ll take a look at how these are related, and at the choices we face in creating and managing these sorts of relationships.

Episode 2-27: Seeking Joy

Sun, 03 Jul 2022 00:00:00 -0700

We humans are neurobiologically “wired” to avoid pain and seek pleasure. In this episode, we’ll consider our experience of joy, and of some of the varied paths that we take in its pursuit. The things that bring us joy provide much of the meaning in our life. That makes it important for us to cultivate joy, and to integrate sources of joy into our life.

Episode 2-26: How Much is Enough?

Mon, 27 Jun 2022 22:00:00 -0700

| In a recent episode, we considered the need for compromise and negotiation, in any deeply-connected relationship. We recognized that an intimate relationship needs to serve the needs and desires of both partners--- and that since we humans are all individuals, we won’t always want the same things.

In this episode, we’ll explore what one should ask for in an intimate relationship: what sorts of requests to make of one’s partner, and what sorts of boundaries to honor (for oneself and for one’s partner). In essence, we’ll examine “how much is enough” to ask for in a relationship, to satisfy one’s core desires and needs, while respecting our partner’s boundaries and desires.

Episode 2-25: Navigating Multi-Partner Relationships

Sun, 19 Jun 2022 00:00:00 -0700

Relationships are often complicated. They entail meeting the needs and goals of people beyond ourselves--- people whose interests may sometimes take them in directions other than what we might prefer. The situation is complex enough in the case of a committed couple--- but it can become downright daunting in the case of managing multiple deeply-connected relationships.

In this post, we’ll explore some of the attitudes and behaviors that are necessary if one is to be able to nurture multiple simultaneous intimate relationships. Of course, this is a huge topic (since it involves considering the broad terrain of polyamory). For this discussion, we’ll confine ourselves to how to manage the interactions of multiple intimate partners.

Episode 2-24: Coping with Incompatibility

Sun, 12 Jun 2022 20:00:00 -0700

In our prior posts, we’ve described the many complex and often subtle factors that play into determining the compatibility--- or incompatibility--- of a relationship. Relationships are important to people, so we all pursue them, to differing extents. That combination of relationship complexity with our human drive to relate is a virtual guarantee that some of our relationships will blossom and thrive, while others will fail to take root and grow.

In this post, we’ll consider what happens in the case of relationships that fail to thrive; that is, in relationships that, for one or more reasons, prove to be incompatible with our relationship goals, needs and preferences.

Episode 2-23: Focus in Relationships

Sun, 05 Jun 2022 13:00:00 -0700

We humans are finite creatures. We have limited time, energy, and capacity for relationship. This can become very apparent in our efforts to create and maintain deep relationships; there are only so many hours in a day, and we can sometimes find ourselves over-extended in trying to serve the sometimes-clashing needs and desires of our partner(s), as well as ourselves. The resulting stresses and pressures are especially evident in polyamorous relationships, in which interactions with multiple partners need to be equitably balanced and managed.

In this episode, we explore the interactions between two key elements in intimate relationships: the extent of our emotional commitment to our partner (or partners), and the scope of the emotional connections we try to maintain in our lives. We’ll describe each of these elements, and then we’ll take a look at the combinations in which they may appear in our close relationships.

Episode 2-22: Transcendence in Relationship

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 13:00:00 -0700

Relationships offer us many tangible and concrete benefits: the joy of companionship, physical and material help in dealing with life’s many activities, emotional responses and personal validation, and a combination of resources that enhance our personal security and enjoyment of life. In addition, though, being in an intimate relationship can transport us outside of ourselves, providing personal experiences that we simply cannot achieve by ourselves. In this episode, we explore the transcendence that can be achieved through deep connection with a trusted and caring partner.

Episode 2-21: From Surviving to Thriving

Sun, 22 May 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In our last episode, we took a look at what it means for an intimate relationship to “fail”. We took note of the hazards of overly-harsh self-judgment, as well as recognizing the many pitfalls of letting others make judgments about our relationships. In this episode, we’ll consider the positive side of the relationship “ledger”: the many joys and benefits of choosing and nurturing relationships that move us from merely surviving, to thriving.

Episode 2-20: Relationship "Failure"

Mon, 16 May 2022 00:00:00 -0700

We sometimes hear others say that their intimate relationship is “failing”, or has “failed”. We may feel that about some of our own relationships. Sometimes that statement comes as an angry and frustrated accusation, and sometimes it comes as a sad and dejected lament--- but in all cases, it’s a statement that’s laden with emotion. Our core relationships are centrally-important to us as humans, so it’s to be expected that turmoil in that area of our lives will move us deeply.

There are many issues that lurk beneath our perception of a failed relationship. In this episode, we’ll unpack and examine those

Episode 2-19: Compromise

Sun, 08 May 2022 16:00:00 -0700

One of the more challenging aspects of deeply-connected relationships is the need for compromise. In an intimate relationship, there are three separate entities interacting with one another: each of the two individual partners, and the relationship that comprises the couple. Each of these has needs, dreams and desires that need to be balanced and traded-off against one another. If any of these is neglected or underserved, all three entities suffer. That makes it worth considering how to avoid such circumstances from occurring.

Episode 2-18: The Mystery of Compatibility

Sun, 01 May 2022 00:00:00 -0700

I often marvel at the seeming miracle that a healthy and satisfying long-term relationship represents. Life is full of twists and turns, challenges and upsets that can threaten the integrity of a deep connection between partners.

For a relationship to show a high degree of adaptability, both partners must surely have “the right stuff” to contribute to the relationship. In this episode, we’ll consider the role of compatibility in planting the seeds for an enduring relationship.

Episode 2-17: Femininity and Masculinity

Sun, 24 Apr 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In selecting a topic for today’s blog, I was inspired to reflect on femininity and masculinity--- and how those relate to the complex phenomenon of gender. In colloquial speech, the terms “sex” and “gender” are often used interchangeably. It’s more accurate and more beneficial to distinguish these from one another, though, since they really refer to different things. We'll examine both of those concepts.

Episode 2-16: Monogamy, ENM and Commitment

Mon, 18 Apr 2022 21:00:00 -0700

In trying to understand and compare the lifestyle choices of monogamy and ethical non-monogamy (ENM), it’s useful to consider the role of commitment in both of those choices. As we’ll see, making commitments imposes constraints on one’s life--- in exchange for gaining specific benefits. As in many aspects of life, choosing a relationship style involves making trade-offs.

In this episode, we explore the nature of commitment, and how it plays into a wide range of relationship styles.

Episode 2-15: Life and the "Relationship Escalator"

Sun, 10 Apr 2022 00:00:00 -0700

For most of those who are in mainstream committed relationships in our culture, there is a “relationship escalator” that provides a roadmap of how that relationship is expected to develop over time. The “escalator” consists of a succession of steps that correspond to deepening commitment and sharing of life-goals in the relationship. We’ll describe that sequence below, and we’ll examine how that set of relationship stepping-stones can provide structure for the relationship. We'll then consider how useful the "escalator" is, and whether there might be alternatives to it.

Episode 2-14: Two Open Doors "State of the Union"

Sun, 03 Apr 2022 00:00:00 -0700

It’s hard to believe that the Two Open Doors podcast has reached its 30th episode! This is an appropriate time to take stock of how we’re doing at building the envisioned Two Open Doors community.

We review the various Two Open Doors online forums that complement this podcast. We also consider the goals envisioned for this community, and we take stock on how we're doing. We close with a call for engagement by all who value having a safe and welcoming place in which to explore deep human connections.

Episode 2-13: How's Your Pilot-Light?

Sun, 27 Mar 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In our recent interview with premier American sexologist Dr. Patti Britton, she noted that she has started to use the image of a “little blue flame” as a metaphor for the erotic spark that dwells in each of us.

Without that flame, our eroticism lacks an essential ignition-source. In this episode, we explore this concept, and consider how each of us can take steps to ensure the vigor of our own erotic "pilot-light".

Episode 2-12: Interview with Dr. Patti Britton

Mon, 21 Mar 2022 00:00:00 -0700

In this full-length (43 minute) guest interview with one of the world's preeminent sexologists, we enjoy a wide-ranging discussion of the role of sexuality and sensuality in creating a fulfilling and growth-centered life. Dr. Patti is the co-founder (with her deceased partner and fellow sexologist Dr. Robert Dunlap) of Sex Coach University, which has trained many of America's most adept sex coaches. We'll hear what sex coaching entails, and why it's so important to legitimize and "normalize" the role of pleasure in a healthy life. We'll also learn about how that important field continues to evolve. Please join us, for a real treat!

Episode 2-11: Loving and Being in Love

Sun, 13 Mar 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Loving, and being in love: they sound so similar, yet they’re quite different things. This distinction can make a big difference in the evolution of a deeply-connected relationship. Each has its role(s) to play in such a relationship--- and each contributes different things to the relationship.

In this episode, we’ll take a closer look at the feelings and behaviors that come with loving someone. We’ll also examine the feelings and behaviors that accompany being in love with someone. That will help us understand how each contributes to an intimate relationship.

Episode 2-10: Hierarchy in Relationships

Sun, 06 Mar 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Relationship “hierarchy” is the notion that relationships can be compared with one another and ranked, with some being deemed more valuable or more important than others. Sometimes, relationship hierarchy is implicit, rather than being stated explicitly; as an example, that is the case with traditional monogamous marriages.

Since hierarchical ranking involves the application of value judgments, such ranking has significant implications. In this post, we’ll explore how hierarchy works, and how it plays into the relationships it touches.

Episode 2-9: Attachment in Deep Connections

Sun, 27 Feb 2022 14:00:00 -0800

Deep human connections involve the sharing of intimate details between partners: hopes, fears, dreams and plans. The partners in such connections also open themselves to one another, to come to know one another intimately. That requires a willingness to make oneself vulnerable to one’s partner. In this episode, we’ll explore the role that attachment plays in intimate relationships.

Episode 2-8: Finding Time for Intimacy

Sun, 20 Feb 2022 00:00:00 -0800

| In our prior post, we explored the notion of “spiritual” connection, noting that such a connection can be soul-deep. We cited the central role of spiritual connection in some ancient spiritual practices, such as tantra. We noted that such profound connections take us out of our “normal” daily space, and that they do so by creating a “sacred space” in which partners can slow down and be fully present with one another.

In this post, we’ll look at the challenges posed by trying to fit intimacy into daily life, in which neither free time nor personal presence are a given. As we’ll see, though, mastering that “juggling act” is essential to our giving intimacy the central role that it deserves in our life.

Episode 2-7: Spiritual Connection

Sun, 13 Feb 2022 00:00:00 -0800

In this post, we’ll explore the essence of deep human connection: what it is, and how it works. We’ll also consider the relationship between deep connection and spiritual practices that address the embodiment of that connection, such as tantra.

Episode 2-6: Forbidden Pleasure

Sun, 06 Feb 2022 00:00:00 -0800

In our recent post about pleasure, we focused on the special role that touch plays as a vehicle for pleasure. Along with the other senses, touch provides the basis for living an “Epicurean” life, in which pleasure brings us physical, emotional and mental health, and a deeply satisfying life. In this post, we’ll look at pleasure through a different lens: that of “forbidden” pleasure.

Episode 2-5: Cultivating Pleasure

Sun, 30 Jan 2022 00:00:00 -0800

In recent posts, we’ve taken a look at two of the things that can focus us on the negative side of the sexual “ledger”: the prevalence of many misunderstandings about sex, and the occurrence of a number of disorders that can detract from our sexual experiences. In this post, we’ll focus on a very positive aspect of sex: its role as a portal to human pleasure.

Episode 2-4: Sexual Challenges

Sun, 23 Jan 2022 00:00:00 -0800

In our most recent post, we took a look at some of the (many) misconceptions that prevail in our society, regarding sexuality and gender. In this post, we’ll examine another area of confusion and misunderstanding: information about the range of issues that can arise in the areas of sexuality and sensuality. Perhaps better understanding can offer more relief and peace of mind.

Episode 2-3: Some Misconceptions About Sex and Gender

Sun, 16 Jan 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Our society is rife with misinformation and lack of information regarding sex--- sometimes as a result of a social agenda that is intended to maintain a taboo around sex. This can be very damaging, for a variety of reasons: avoidable occurrence of unwanted pregnancies; contracting and mismanagement of sexually-transmitted infections (STIs); debilitating shame and anxiety around the experience of sex; and a general feeling that sex is necessary for procreation, but is otherwise a confusing and negative force in people’s lives.

As a sexologist, I believe that sex is a natural and wholesome activity that serves a human birthright of pleasure. Neurobiology clearly positions sex as a powerful central human motivating force. I believe that much harm can come from an attempted denial of that reality, and from an attendant attempt to control and channel people’s sexuality. Given its powerful influence, sex does deserve respect and responsible handling; but other than in (rare) cases of compulsive behavior, sex should not be “disowned” or stigmatized. For adults (and children), it’s a normal part of being human.

In this post, we’ll explore just a handful of the seemingly-endless misconceptions around sex: how it works, how people practice it, how it plays into relationships, and how sex and gender are related.

Episode 2-2: A Multi-faceted View of Sex

Sun, 09 Jan 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Now that we’ve taken a look at the sexual response cycle, or SRC, we know that a sexual experience involves far more than physical hydraulics and mechanics. For us humans, sex is fabulous and sometimes fanciful adult playground that engages not only our bodies, but also our minds, emotions and spirit.

Prior attempts to understand human sexuality have focused on specific aspects of that experience: the succession of phases through which it plays out, or the differences between male and female sexual experiences, or the differing contributions of our subconsciously-generated emotions, and our conscious thoughts and decisions. It’s instructive to try to assemble all of those individual “puzzle pieces” into a unified whole; that's the focus of this episode.

Episode 2-1: The Sexual Response Cycle

Sun, 02 Jan 2022 00:00:00 -0800

Sex holds many surprises and puzzles, for most (or all) of us humans. At times, it’s the source of the most sublime and satisfying experiences that we can undergo--- while at other times, it can plunge us into the depths of disappointment and questioning of ourselves. Sex is a central force in our lives, and it’s a key ingredient in the realm of deep personal connections. As such, it’s worth knowing something about. In this post, we’ll deepen our understanding of how sex works, by taking a look at several influential and insightful models of the human sexual response cycle, or “SRC”.

Episode 1-16: Body Image and Relationships

Sun, 26 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0800

Body image is a term that describes how we see our own body, and how we feel about it. Since our body is the part of us that others see directly, our body image has a direct bearing on attracting other people into wanting to establish a relationship with us. Conversely, our body image can present a deterrent to being approached by others. In this post, we’ll explore the concept of body image, including how that image is formed, how it plays into our overall self-image, and how body image affects our relationships.

Episode 1-15: The Realm of the Senses

Sun, 19 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0800

Our senses are the channels that connect our body to our world. It’s easy to miss how varied and how rich our sensory experiences are. We have more than the traditional “five” senses, and all of them have a role to play in shaping our experiences.

In this post, we’ll consider our various senses, and we’ll explore what we can do to fully experience and appreciate how they connect us with our world. We’ll then take a look at the roles that our senses play, in our quest for developing deep connections with others. We’ll see how our senses can offer us a cornucopia of pleasures, and we’ll consider the role of the senses in communicating with others.

Episode 1-14: It Ain't So Simple

Sun, 12 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0800

Many of us grew up in a society in which we humans come in one of two “flavors” (or “genders”): male, or female. Over time, a menagerie of new gender-related terms arose, describing things such as “orientation”, “identity” or “expression”. These are often defined or used imprecisely.

Sex and gender are important facets of the personal identities that we bring to our relationships. In this episode, we’ll visit some of the relevant terminology, and we’ll explore how these terms relate to one another.

Episode 1-13: The Science of Sexology

Sun, 05 Dec 2021 00:00:00 -0800

In this episode, we’ll be taking a look at the science of sexology: a bit of its history and philosophical tradition, the sweep of its technical coverage, and why it’s an important discipline with much relevance to our achieving the contentment and satisfaction that can come with deep human connections. We’ll also touch on some of the reasons that sexology is still viewed as a controversial field of study, by some in our society. We’ll explore that theme more deeply, in future posts.

Episode 1-12: Pleasure- An Owner's Manual

Sun, 28 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0800

In this episode, we focus on pleasure: what it is, how it works, and how it has impact on our lives. We take a look at how social perspectives on pleasure have evolved in Western societies, especially considering how religion and social institutions can shape our sexual beliefs and behaviors. We consider three different perspectives on sexuality: that of the science of sexology; that of how power is applied to constrain and channel sexuality; and how individuals experience sexual desire in their own lives. We close with a reflection on the heartening realization that we all have choices to make on how we let pleasure into our lives.

Episode 1-11: Our Roadmap

Sun, 21 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0800

In this episode, we examine the role of pleasure in our life, and we prepare to take Two Open Doors into some new terrain: an exploration of sensuality and sexuality. We’ll describe the Two Open Doors approach to discussing these sometimes-charged topics, and Claude will describe his background and philosophy in addressing these. In the bulk of this episode, we’ll use the Emotional-Physical-Mental (EMP) model of relationship to catalog and organize some of the many topics that are planned for future episodes.

Episode 1-10: Opening Doors

Sun, 14 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0800

If we want to have a deep relationship with another person, we need to ensure that our “door” to relationship is open to them--- and that our partner’s “door” is open to us. Here, we look at some of the things that can cause our “door” to close, and we consider how we can change those things. We examine two factors that are required for the partners in a relationship to have “two open doors” between them: desire, and trust.

Episode 1-9: Looking Beyond the Physical

Sun, 07 Nov 2021 00:00:00 -0700

The EMP (Emotional-Mental-Physical) model was developed to describe the complex interactions that occur in the course of a person’s having a sexual experience. Such experiences involve a person’s body, emotions and conscious mind. EMP can be extended to describe how relationships operate in general, not just how sexual experiences play out.

In the previous post, we explored the “Physical” or “Physiological” layer of the EMP model. Here, we consider the Emotional and Mental layers, and we close with some reflections of what EMP tells us about human relationships.

Episode 1-8: Embodied Connection

Sun, 31 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0700

As we’ve heard in earlier episodes, deep human connection has many facets. Here, we begin to explore a model of human relationships that covers all three categories of close human connection: our sensual, sexual and intimate behaviors. We’ll see how the multi-layer EMP model can provide insights into how we can nurture the physiological, emotional and mental facets of our close relationships. In this episode, we’ll focus on the “Physiological” layer of the model.

Episode 1-7: Sensuality, Sexuality and Intimacy

Sun, 24 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0700

In popular media and discussions, the terms “sensuality”, “sexuality” and “intimacy” are often used interchangeably, or are otherwise confused. Here, we explore how each of these is a different facet of human relationship, and we examine how they’re related. We find that there is good reason to give each of these concepts its proper place; they’re all distinct and important parts of human relationship.

Episode 1-6: Unconditional Love

Sun, 17 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0700

In earlier episodes of this podcast, we’ve examined some aspects of the nature of love, and of attachment. In this episode, we consider the idea of “unconditional” love. We take a look at what that might mean, and we then consider whether adult humans are likely to be capable of giving unconditional love to others. In passing, we also consider how attachment and commitment might fit into loving relationships, and we also look at interdependence vs. independence in mature loving relationships.

Episode 1-5: Deep Connection

Sun, 10 Oct 2021 23:00:00 -0700

Our attachment style is one important part of the foundation on which we build all of our adult relationships. Attachment affects our capacity for creating deep human connections. Such connections include two distinct, comparably-important elements: a deep emotional connection that allows us to know and open to one another; and a physical connection that lets us share the simple but sublime gift of pleasure with one another. A deep emotional and physical connection can transport us into a space that is truly transcendent; one can refer to that space as “spiritualty”. We explore that idea here, and then we step back to see a possible way of life that presents a realistic and promising path to personal fulfillment.

Episode 1-4: Attachment- Learning to Relate

Sun, 03 Oct 2021 00:00:00 -0700

In Episode 3, we explored the nature of human relationship, and focused on how “emotional” relationships work. We noted that the developmental-psychology framework provided by “attachment theory” gives us valuable clues about how we’ve learned to relate to others.

In this episode, we dig further, to unearth the four “styles” of childhood attachment, and the corresponding four styles of adult attachment. Understanding our attachment style and history is an important part of our attaining the self-knowledge that we discussed in Episode 2. That also provides a foundation for the deeper dive that we’ll be taking into learning how to “connect deeply” with the important people in our lives.

Episode 1-3: So, What the Heck IS Relationship, Anyway?

Sun, 26 Sep 2021 22:00:00 -0700

Two Open Doors is all about human relationship--- but we haven’t yet taken a look at what relationship is. In this post, we consider two very different kinds of relationships: “transactional” ones, and what we’ll call “emotional” ones. Our spotlight here is on emotional relationships. We also consider how it is that we learn to relate to others--- since we’re not born with that capacity. We introduce the important psychological perspective of attachment theory, which we’ll revisit in later episodes.

Episode 1-2: Our Most Important Relationship

Sun, 19 Sep 2021 00:00:00 -0700

If we aspire to have satisfying and healthy relationships with others, our foundation will be to first have a good relationship with ourselves. That requires that we have solid self-knowledge: an understanding of who we are, as well as how we act. The first focuses inward, on things such as what we value and what we believe. The second focuses outward, to describe how we treat others, and how we engage with the world around us.

We can acquire self-knowledge through introspection, in which we quiet ourselves enough to be in touch with our honestly-assessed beliefs and feelings. We can also gain self-knowledge by using those who care for us as compassionate but honest "mirrors", to provide us with feedback about how others perceive and experience us.

Pursuing self-knowledge is worthwhile (and even essential) because it gives us choice: the ability to choose who and how we want to be, without the possibly-misleading influence of others telling us how we "should" be. As adults, we can give ourselves the liberty of what I call "re-choicing", in which we can set aside traits, behaviors and beliefs that don't serve us, and adopt those that better reflect who we want to be.

Once we truly know ourselves--- our mind and heart and soul--- we will know what sort of people are likely to be good compatible partners for us. We'll have greatly reduced our risk of chasing mirages (relationships that really don't "fit" us, and which may in fact be damaging to either ourselves, or our partner, or both). We'll be ready to be open and to share ourselves fully with our partner(s). We'll be ready for deep human connection.

Episode 1-1: Welcome!

Sat, 11 Sep 2021 21:00:00 -0700

In this short introductory episode, host Claude introduces himself, and he describes why deep human connection is so important to him. He explains the origin of the somewhat mysterious title of this podcast. He also reflects on the importance of personal choice in shaping one's personal relationships, and he shares his notion of "re-choicing", as a path to filling one's life with satisfying and healthy deep connections.