The Todd-Marshall Delirium

The Good Samaritan is a Gay Mexican in a MAGA Hat

Fri, 14 Aug 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• You Can't Have "Fiduciary" Without "Douche"
• Enact Ritual Blood Sacrifice
• Just Not Pornographers and Arms Dealers
• A Very Autistic Teenager With Brain Fog
• Sphincter Control, Man
• Funny Things Mammals Do to Each Other
• Their Dog is Named Fleming?
• We Have Not Entered Economic Nirvana
• With the Oatmeal Brain Goo Inside
• Ex-Theatre Kids, Gays, and Socialists

Recorded August 4, 2026.

The Stoned Ape Theory, but for Dogs Licking Toads in Australia

Fri, 07 Aug 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• My Rabbi Says the Sex is Amazing
• It May Be the Crows, in Tandem With the Raccoons
• Maybe You Shouldn't Be Quite That Loving?
• I Know Some Reptile People
• A Fiery Implosion of Potential Economic Glory
• We're All Evolving Into Crabs
• The Word You're Looking for is "Crepuscular"
• Everyone Hates Me and I Need to Go Hide
• Clean Yourself Off and Bring Protection
• I Spun in My Chair and Yelled and Screamed

Recorded July 29, 2026.

Couldn't Get the Damn Mechanical Fish to Work, We Have Activated Cuyler's G-Spot, and Queefs are Funny Too

Fri, 31 Jul 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Someone Gave the Dog Too Much Cheese
• If You're in Idaho, Who Cares?
• Funny ... People Don't Remember Venus
• The Only Man I've Kissed on the Lips
• Ooh, Stomach Cancer Farts
• If I Have My Boyfriend Geschmutze in My Face
• As the Mud Man You Are
• Her Death Run of Killing Everybody Everywhere
• That's a Small Moose
• Resorting to the Scatological at This Point

Recorded July 21, 2026.

A Corborus of Unrecactified Slectity

Fri, 17 Jul 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Just Mowed My Lawn With a Pair of Fingernail Clippers
• His Wife and Jeff's Wife Both Look Like Jeff
• A Clear Way of Demonstrating Your Moral Ineptitude
• Yeah, But I'm Not Using My Dick
• One Big Giant Rocky Moon-Like Empty Landscape From Utah to Nebraska
• You Don't Need a Boner to Pee
• All the People Who Lived There Interbred
• That Was a Very Good Gallop
• Childlike Wonder and Bleak Helplessness
• Which Means it Has Multiple Climaxes

Recorded July 8, 2026.

Shout Out to Schadenfreude, When Algeria Went to Kansas, and I Call Him a Sonic Chameleon

Fri, 10 Jul 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Liechtenstein vs. Micronesia
• The Little Postage-Stamp-Sized Thingamajig
• Their Immense Capacity to Put Down Liquor
• Whale Hunting in the Desert
• Explicitly Sawing Off Your Future
• Which Made Him Kind of a Douchebag Husband
• Anyone Who Lives on the Nepalese Steppe
• Still Kissing Ditka's Feet
• A Particularly Interesting Passage in Mein Kampf
• You Little Edgelord, You

Recorded June 30, 2026.

At the Facility in Tecumseh, Living at Her Majesty's Pleasure

Fri, 03 Jul 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Extraordinarily Tragic and Metaphorically Resonant
• As Urine Dribbles From the Third Rail
• Shoot Up Some Heroin and Work on My Novel
• We Fly Away Like Freshly Fed Pigeons
• Don't Know How They Navigate a Polycule
• Clavicular Was Mid-Jestergooning
• Zen Buddhists Feel the Same Way About Bruce Lee
• Did She Hit a Really Good Spliff?
• I Have to Bathe My Neighbor's Chihuahuas
• Healing China, One Slur at a Time

Recorded June 23, 2026.

Part of a Well-Hung Jury, Mom Spaghetti, and Orgasms During Childbirth

Fri, 26 Jun 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Understand the Physics of Open Houses
• Here, Have Some Charcuterie
• A Snub-Nosed Turtle Floating in the Jar
• Unga-Bunga That With a Palm Tree and Two Hands
• In What Dimension is a Chihuahua a Good Dog?
• Conjured From the Ether of Chicagoland
• Process Me and Give Me a F***ing Baloney Sandwich
• Three Instances of Baby Mama Drama
• He Was an Exceptionally Cantankerous Man
• In the Liminal Space of Bureaucratic Potentiation
• Someone Who Conjures Eldritch Beings

Recorded June 16, 2026.

A Large Advocacy Movement for Shrimp

Fri, 19 Jun 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Just a Crab, Happy in the Hot Tub
• Shouldn't the Homeless Rabbi Be at the Core?
• Without Killing Actual Frogs
• Acknowledge the Sneering Resentment I Have
• Some Unimaginably Massive Scab
• When That Horse Stops Spitting Out Money
• Or Lop Some Limbs Off
• Rich People Do Not Go to the Bargain Bin
• Cuyler Has Slurs on the Brain
• Grinding My Teeth at How Much I Hate the Pastor

Recorded June 9, 2026.

Love as an Entanglement, a Closeness, a Binding, a Hold, a Touch, a Clutch, an Entwinement

Fri, 12 Jun 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• One of Those North Pole Igloos You Can Sleep In
• We Are Not in Rural Pakistan
• Anecdotes From the Peloponnesian War
• You Would Still Have Magnificent Hair
• Because It's Cole F***ing Porter
• Weird Pacts That Weirdo Kids Make
• They're Just in a Scooby Doo Costume
• I Have Not Sired Any Children That I Know Of
• Pull a Bo Burnham in About 10 Years
• He's Got This Big Long Wispy Beard

Recorded June 2, 2026.

I Think Rastafonkey is Dead, and The Other Polar End of Seasonal Affective Disorder

Fri, 05 Jun 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• I've Seen a Shrew on the Blasket
• You Rapscallion Bastards!
• Aggressively, Offensively British
• Admire Me Until My Memoir Comes Out
• This is Bush League, James
• The Amount of Oxytocin That Goes Through Her Brain
• A 13-Year-Old's Unavoidable Boner
• Stuck in the Rinse Cycle of Resentment
• Valiantly Committing Seppuku
• A Metric By Which I Can Whip Myself

Recorded May 26, 2026.

If One of You is Feeling Randy and the Other is Feeling Queasy

Fri, 29 May 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Including, But Not Limited to, Cholera and Dysentery
• He's Like a Conjoined Twin of Bob
• They're Pissed When They See My Numbers
• I'm Looking at You, Immanuel Kant!
• Never Mind What the Pentecostals are Doing
• They Ooze Blue
• Three More Albums in the Banana Stand
• I Never Interacted With Thor
• If It's Too Long It Gets Lopped Off
• Hire Private Israeli Militias to Get His Brother Out of a Hong Kong Prison

Recorded May 19, 2026.

We've All Been Bifurcating Since LUCA, Would You Drop a "Gadzooks"? and My Fiancee Has Stopped Listening

Fri, 15 May 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• We Are Occupied By Memes
• Tell Someone You're Going to Pinch a Loaf
• He is a Deeply Silly Man
• A Pox on You and Your Family
• Everyone's Got a Posture-Fest
• Guerrilla Warfare Among British Eccentrics
• You're Getting His 1,000-Yard Stare
• My Dad's Very Potent Reality Distortion Field
• The Pearl-Clutching Outrage
• Find a Way to Make More of Them Die

Recorded May 9, 2026.

In Terms of Shafts, It is Better to Give Than to Receive

Fri, 08 May 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Filthy, and Full of Marshall Mathers and Polio
• Backing the Wrong Proverbial God-Horse
• A Game of Who Can Jizz More
• If a Comedian Has a Tight 20 on Sodomy
• Intra-Feminine Character Assassination
• I Thought Hookah Was Going to Take Over
• Just a Flutter of a Nutty Edam Cheese
• A Screaming Fit Over Basil Plants
• Eating Baby Food and Worshipping a Rock
• And Genocides Up the Wazoo

Recorded May 1, 2026.

That is Statistically, Biologically, Demonstrably, Categorically Impossible

Fri, 01 May 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Birdsong and Frogs and Hoots and Hollers and Yowls
• A Throat or Other Fleshy Appendage
• If That Tickles Your Pickle, Great
• Cut That Shit Off, Dog
• You Would Have to Have a Moose Cock
• Three Ways to Say "Potato"
• Their Own Supply of Helium in the Basement
• But We Still Look for Sponge Bob
• A Whole Lot of Barbed Clauses and Caveats
• Would You Love Me if I Was a Worm?

Recorded April 25, 2026.

Lower Bananas and Scalding Hot Oatmeal Into His Mouth

Fri, 24 Apr 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Schmoozing All Day is Not Half Bad
• Yup, That's My Species
• She Put Your What in Your Tuchus?
• A Very Important Part of a Three-Martini Lunch
• If You're Weird, a Little Bit of Pickled Brine
• Navigate Corporeally Through This Realm
• I'm Assuming That's Yiddish
• Until People Start Boning, This is Not Data
• You're Shit-Faced at 3 p.m.
• Jumpin' Jehovah James, That's Hot!

Recorded April 16, 2026.

It's Not Cannibalism, It's Theophagy!

Fri, 17 Apr 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Slingshotting to the Moon Under Another Name
• Ix-Nay on the Ihad-Jay
• Summarily Identified By the Fedoras on Their Heads
• Our Military-Industrial Salchicha
• One or Two Segments of Your Pinky Finger
• A Variety of Public Beatings, Stonings, or Other Forms of Execution
• Actual Shit Stains Left on the Seats
• Social Cohesion by Way of Sex
• Kind of a Dickhole Thing to Do to a Landlord
• They're Still Sweet as Buttons

Recorded April 10, 2026.

We're Not Opening With Pig Brains in a Hot Pot

Fri, 10 Apr 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Beat the Dead Horse Till it Stops Spitting Out Money
• Don't Tell Me It Was Will Smith!
• I Think There Was Some Donkey in There Too
• Little Old Ladies in Frog Costumes
• Elaborate on the Provincial and the Bass-Ackwards
• Are You Familiar With Skibidi Toilet?
• Their Mandarin is Laughably Coarse and Grating
• Tomatoes Cooked in Lead-Lined Pans
• What Country Isn't a Mixed-Economy Surveillance State?
• Extend That Unreality Till You're Dead

Recorded April 2, 2026.

Catastrophic Depletion, Hire a Guy With Homicidal Ennui, and Enneagram 5 is the Barn Owl

Fri, 03 Apr 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Somewhere Between Vladimir Lenin and Stevie Wonder
• Fighting, Obsession, Drama, or Death
• There's Something Wrong With Mrs. Washburn
• I Will Credit the Nazis on This
• A Fun Story From the World of Prostate Cancer
• Wolverines and a Bunch of Stupid Poodles
• They Confiscated Everyone's Bicycles
• That's Not How You Make a Remoulade Sauce!
• Veer Away and Watch for the G-Forces
• A Trans-Dimensional Front-Loading Washing Machine

Recorded March 30, 2026.

Happyquinox! and Slightly Awkward, Barky Mandarin

Fri, 27 Mar 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• The Xerox Machine is Erotic to Me
• They Think He's a Dumbshit Meathead
• I Actually Like Yak
• Streaming From Most of Your Facial Orifices
• One of the God-Kings of Meme Culture
• Get Soggy and Start to Slough Off
• Integrated Corn on the Cob
• Sucking Teats of Cows for Nourishment
• Heroin, Carbohydrates, and a Monthly Salary
• Don't You Dare, You Pig!

Recorded March 20, 2026.

Roll Up a Funny Little Devil's Cigarette, I Missed Seattle Grunge Entirely, and He Sinks His Emotions Into Bees

Fri, 20 Mar 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• All Commerce is a Circle Jerk
• Bio-Psychological Chemistry Not Conducive to Good Decision Making
• It's the Group Peacocking I really Miss
• Horrible Burning Smelly Ash Heap Dystopian Detroit
• It Looks Like Puyallup
• That's a Lot More Chutzpah Than I Got
• Not as Toxic as the Strip Clubs
• You Were a Doppelgänger of Me
• Guys, Where are All the Cats?
• And I'm Barely Lower Middle Class

Recorded March 13, 2026.

He Discovered He Had On a Green Hat

Fri, 13 Mar 2026 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Proposals of Marriage Flooding in From Around the Globe
• Virtuosity? I Call It Gymnastics
• A New Plant Named Cliff
• Fly Into a Rage and Shatter Your Only Guitar
• When a Tour Bus Rolled and Fell on Him
• Please Join My Polycule
• Reach Across This Counter and Beat Somebody's Ass
• By the Way ... Necrophilia?
• Or Any of Those Other Breastaurants
• Mutualistic Opportunistic Manipulation

Recorded March 6, 2026.

Schmoo: The Legless, Armless, White Fluffy Sperm Homunculus

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• The Great Recycling Bin of Media and Culture
• She's on the Couch Totally Knackered
• 7th Graders Who Don't Know Jack F*** About Physics
• Because Bryan is Mister Sun
• Lie Down in a Pit of Dirt and Wait to Die
• That Bog Most Certainly Stank Half to Hell
• I'm Just a Bill, Up on Capitol Hill
• This Sweet Old Marshmallowy Man
• With a Little Bit of Hozier
• He Starts Punching Buttons on My Dashboard

Recorded February 26, 2026.

Does Beaver Count as Fish?

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Attentions Paid to His Buttshole
• And I'm Soaking in It
• For the Same Reason Whales Have Feet
• Corn-Creating Symbiotic Animals
• A G-Spot in a Most Surprising Place
• Dogs Domesticated Us
• Where He Meets a Talking Mattress
• Spit Becomes a Slick Substance
• From Your Own Loins Sprang the Object of Your Ire
• We Are the Pancake People

Recorded February 19, 2026.

Bakeries are to the French What Saunas are to the Finnish

Fri, 13 Feb 2026 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Strip Clubs, Arms Dealers, Consultants to ICE
• They Fucked With the Chicken
• I'm a Pretty Goddamn Fun Wedding Officiant
• Half the Eyes are Full of Tears
• An Unfortunate Thursday Evening in February
• Deep Fry Some Oreos and a Stick of Butter
• I Get to Have a Piece of Flea With Me
• Without the Full Brunt of Federal Goons
• A $17 Egg Sandwich, if You Like
• Sent Into the Jungle With the Machete

Recorded February 6, 2026.

The Widely Available Peep Show, Orange Shag Carpeting, and Avocado-Colored Appliances

Fri, 30 Jan 2026 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Shivering Next to the Digital Fireplace
• This Middle-Aged Villainous Woman From Yorkshire
• My Squirrelly Sense of Apocalyptic Disaster
• It Was Grating Because it was Ham-Fisted
• The Daydream-Like Reflections of a Man Full of Regret
• Do They Order Pizza in Romania?
• Shirts Unbuttoned to the Navel, Necklaces and Taco Meat
• Look How Much They Hate Jews!
• You Could Be Maori, You Could Be Sudanese
• I've Seen People Pooping on the Train

Recorded January 22, 2026.

An Ass-Ton of Dials, Knobs, Little Whirring Lights, Bits, and Buttons

Fri, 23 Jan 2026 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Not Filling Your Beloved With Rage and Revulsion
• Outside of the Rare Fetishist
• Dad With a Smoke Machine, Giggling His Ass Off
• He Lives in Fresno for God's Sake
• Would Somebody Just Give This Kid Some Valium?
• When You've Got $30 Million to Smear
• I Probably Wouldn't Tell You to Suck a Dick
• Do We Have a Wheelchair? Do We Have a Vegan?
• You'd Make an Excellent Walmart Greeter
• Die Like a Whimper, My Friend

Recorded January 16, 2026.

A Rusty Trombone, You Did the Dog a Mercy, and Do the Inuit Have Frog Myths?

Fri, 16 Jan 2026 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Kick the Year Off With Some Family Tragedy
• A Bright White Little Grouchy-Ass Cat
• If I Had Pearls to Clutch ...
• Games of Stealth and Surprise and Torture
• And Then Something Goes a Little Squiggly
• Lying Dead Behind a Trash Dumpster
• It's Supposed to be Jarring
• Frank Comes Up When I'm Doing Mushrooms
• The Latest Album by Chonkus
• How About a Dutch Oven or a Dirty Sanchez?

Recorded January 8, 2026.

A Wee Bit of Christmas Delirium With Cuyler & Bryan

Thu, 25 Dec 2025 06:00:00 -0600

The Only Thing That Grows There is Fennel, Misery, and Peat Moss

Fri, 19 Dec 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Encroaching on Us With its Jolly Miseries
• Wonderful Fruit Springs From Strange Trees
• He Distinctly Hears a Meow
• The Butch Lumberjack Woman With Massive Forearms
• It Would Trigger a Lunatic Rant
• The Sociocultural Umami We All Swim In
• So Screamingly Ephemeral
• Just a Meat Market of Desperation
• Sitting on Top of the Carburetor, Petrified
• Who Stabs a 71-Year-Old Man?
• Hairless and Blind, Chained to a Mill

Recorded December 11, 2025.

A Cast of Deeply Unsavory Women, Dogs Would Rule the Landscape, and More Merciful Than Beheading, I Suppose

Mon, 08 Dec 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Who Here is Into K-Pop Boy Bands?
• A Moment of Needless Pedantry
• Jesus, Put a Jacket on Your Jimmy
• A Thick Forest Always Encroaching on the Borders of His Lips
• You Can Hardly Hear Jack Shit
• Bob Sink, a Funny Little Metaphor
• Well Hung and a Good Hang
• Can't Just Leave Blades in Barbicide
• The Afflicted Die in Gruesome Ways
• You End Up Eating Canned Dog Food

Recorded November 21, 2025.

Calloused Half to Hell and Smelling Vaguely of Piss

Fri, 21 Nov 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• What URL Do You Want on Your Gravestone?
• Jesus Was a Zionist, Just Like Us
• A Very Yeasty Pita Bread that Bounces
• Knock Loose Your Proverbial Hanging Chad
• A Children's Museum of Syphilis
• I'm Not Sure Feet Were All That Disgusting
• Bankrolled by Someone Dead for Almost a Decade
• All of Us Got Dummy Drunk
• We Descend From Pewter Workers
• Go Eat Fattoush!

Recorded November 14, 2025.

The Great Emu War of 1932, Daddy Dick and Wife Dick, and You Can Pickle-Brine Chicken

Fri, 07 Nov 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Where Women Grow and Men Chunder
• I Like Spaffing My Refrigerator Full
• Holy Shit, That Mosh Pit Was Intense
• Mostly Due to the Spiders
• I Don't Know Where They Get 8-Foot Salmon
• Just Don't Go All Hutu-Tutsi on Each Other
• Mormon-Family-Sized Quantities of Golden Grahams
• I'm in it for the Tires
• Spell That on the Telephone, Bitch!
• Tardigrades in Space

Recorded October 31, 2025.

Go Up, Thou Bald Head! Did You Get This From Zig Ziglar? and No, These Were Impaling Stakes

Fri, 31 Oct 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• In Somebody Else's Reality Distortion Field
• Adventures in Radical Hospitality
• Not Something the Coptics Would Be Accused Of
• I Left That Little Cesspool
• Neither Neurotic Obsessive Nor Douchebag
• A Very Infectious Pitch
• Grinding Self-Obsession and Self-Flagellation
• When You Get Stuck in Right Field
• In the Velvet-Lined Retrospective of It
• Drive the Tent Peg Through His Temple

Recorded October 24, 2025.

Better Than Isabuyler, Scraping Your Face Along the Wall, and This Rat Bastard Little Child

Fri, 24 Oct 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• She Shut That Down With the Might of Zeus
• Wanna Join My Polycule?
• The Whole Family, Crammed Into One Shirt
• It's the Jews!
• A Very Nice Mutt Named Tyson
• Along With Your Dumb Little Cheesy Burrito
• Squeeze Him and Call Him George
• His Gigantic Swollen Balloon-Like Head
• She Does Love a Velvety Pit Bull
• The First Red Flag is the Absence of Red Flags

Recorded October 17, 2025.

Fighting Over Toothpaste, Mucusy and Cold at the Same Time, and The Black Community is Not an Obelisk

Fri, 17 Oct 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• What People Screamed When They Opened Their Window
• The Gardyloo You Must Not Ignore
• Pour the Shit From Their Chamber Pots
• Teensy Weensy Thai Girlfriends
• A Smart Guy Really Good at Playing a Dumbshit
• Slice Divots Into Their Foreheads
• The Best Mahjong Player in Three Laundromats
• As Good as the Defenestration of Prague
• Mr. Rogers Hides His Vietnam Tattoos
• Because I Hadn't Bathed in Three Weeks

Recorded October 10, 2025.

His Typecast is "Benign Scumbag," A Weird Thing to Put in a Cemetery, and One of Those Ghastly Beheadings

Fri, 10 Oct 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Effectively Synonymous With Jumping the Shark
• The Bible is Funny, Folks
• Other Than a Few Weird Philosophers
• The Recycled Entrails of the Internet's Detritus
• He Had a Thing for Dominance Hierarchies
• I'm Going to Torture Some Fellow Great Apes
• Use the Rubble as Fertilizer
• Catch Hell From Mrs. Dasenbrock
• The Mexican Punitive Expedition
• I Enjoy Having a Mostly Clean Brain

Recorded October 2, 2025.

They Look at My Refrigerator and Gasp, A Deep Splinter Imbedded in the Flesh, and His Nose Fell Off

Fri, 03 Oct 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• There Exists a Rational Fear of Chopsticks
• I'm More of a Finger Food Kinda Guy
• Your State of Benign Reclusiveness
• What Does Bryan NOT Eat?
• Trying to Figure Out Who's Hitler
• Spoons and Shrieks of Rage
• From Pickled Carrots to Giardiniera
• Speaking of Genocide
• I'm Always Curious How Despots Live
• She Got a Baby Out of the Deal

Recorded September 26, 2025.

A Lovely Totalitarian State, When the Dogs Begin to Smell Her, and Ike is Very Personable

Fri, 26 Sep 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• I'm Here to Accept the Mosquitoes
• Word Salad You Could Write on a Refrigerator
• A Difference as Large as Qualia Itself
• Holy Shit, Can That Guy Slap
• Lahaina Basically Got Burned to Death
• The Sharps are Flatter and the Flats are Sharper
• What Has He Done in His Sour Stupor?
• Much to My Chagrin, I Started Noticing Bass Lines
• Microtonal Christmas Work
• White Chicks are Most Famous for This

Recorded September 18, 2025.

Boiling the Hell Out of Seaweed, Please Avoid the Sniper's Bullet, and My Grandfather Died in a Potato Field

Fri, 19 Sep 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Fits of Screaming, Wall-Punching, Apoplectic Rage
• An Italian Substitute for the F Word
• It's Not the Same Egg, and You're Not the Same Man
• Umami, for the 747th Time
• Did Anyone's Wife End Up Dead in This Story?
• Swallowing 2TB Thumb Drives
• The Succession of Old Farts That Replaced Him
• A Black Hole That Will Stare Into Me
• What Color are the Bears in Chile?
• Borderline Mental Retardation, By Our Standards

Recorded September 12, 2025.

My Earwax is a Deep Amber, The Dentist Injector-Squeezer Thing, and Bring Back "Male Chauvinist Pig"

Fri, 12 Sep 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Disgusting and Glorious All at the Same Time
• Donald in Bed With Satan
• Might as Well Be Entertained By the Hissing and Popping
• The Most Terrifying Land Predator Ever Conceived
• You Can Hear Yourself Swallow
• Beat That Dead Horse Till it Stops Spitting Out Money
• Sponge Bob, the Megalith of Viacom
• That Very Strange, Awful, and Deeply Racist Man
• Willing to Publicly Ridicule the President
• That's a Nose-Worn Grindstone

Recorded September 8, 2025.

Hasengepelschdufeinenschwödenhetze

Fri, 29 Aug 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Get Past the Pleasantries and Proceed to Be Bored
• Deng Xiaoping, Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and Frederick II Elector of Saxony
• A Deep-Vein-Thrombosis Sort of Thing
• Someday You Will Be Pushing Up Daisies as They Are
• The Right Alignment of the Wrong Problems
• Kind of Like "ButtNumbathon"
• One Little Teensy Weensy Piece of Science Fiction
• Lay Your Mitts on Me, Copper
• The Least Interesting Guitar is Shred Guitar
• She's Just Got Stinky Ears, Poor Girl

Recorded August 22, 2025.

Please – Divorce Now, Before You Have any Kids

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• The Unfortunately Named Mr. Woodcock
• It Was Either Suicide or Volcanoes
• Dogbite Dan, Who Ran Your Parkour Class
• Right Into My Dusty, Disgusting Camera
• The Umpteen Gajillion Roberts in Your Ancestry
• That's Been the Wallpaper of My Life
• She'll be Singing Baritone Below Stevie Nicks
• Hugging Pillows When You're High on Mushrooms
• That's a Lot of Balls to Juggle
• Unless You Count People From Yorkshire

Recorded August 7, 2025.

I Have Three Other Hogs Sniffling at My Truffles

Fri, 08 Aug 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• The Transformation of Personal Tragedy Into Collective Comedy
• Belfastaghy Would Not Be as Confusing
• The J-est J That Ever J'd
• And Don't Ever Call Me an Accountant
• Sit With Your Guidance Counselor and End Up Screwed Up
• I Never Saw the Caramel Underbelly of Paul
• Introvert Passes the Ball to Introvert
• We Certainly Ate Our Share of Possum
• Whatever Weird Artistic Homunculus You Become
• It's Salvadoran-Vietnamese-Azerbaijani

Recorded August 1, 2025.

I Don't Think Beating a Kid With a Stick is All That Effective

Fri, 01 Aug 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Put a Stop to the F***ing Chaos
• Careening Off the Rails and Massively Top Heavy
• On a Bit of a Religious Tear
• That Bizarre, Creepy, Disgusting Whole Sequence
• Get Henry Ford on the Phone
• Husbands and Wives Drooling Over Each Other
• Passionate About Other People's Crap
• Buddhism is the Most Unreligious Religion
• Turn the Entire Earth's Infrastructure to Rubble
• And a Damn Fine Attorney, Too

Recorded July 24, 2025.

Whaddya, Stoopit?

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• My Cat's Name is Chanel Rosenblatt
• It Was Fingernails On My Aesthetic Chalkboard
• Also, an Order of Yak
• Sounds Like a Drum Fill, or Someone Falling Down the Stairs
• The Penguin Shows Up in Overalls
• I'd Say Root Beer is a Pretty Spectacular Invention
• Get the Podium Off the Guy's Ribcage
• The Most Xi'An-Ass Place You Could Find
• I Have to Sit and Marinate in This
• Some of Them Looked Like Hedgehogs

Recorded July 15, 2025.

An Espresso Machine, a Liquid Lunch, and a Pair of Rubber Bands

Fri, 18 Jul 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Ascending Tier Lists of Either Clumsy or Homicidal People
• Ruin the Masterpiece Retroactively
• The Spanish Almost-Quasi-Fantasy-Horror
• Are You Going to Tell George No?
• I Should Name My Son "Fassbender"
• Jesus of Nazareth is Your Cat
• Countries That Allow Assassination
• If They Find You Supping in Your House
• Rats Chew Off Your Body Parts While You Sleep
• Crushed, in at Least a Temporal Sense

Recorded July 11, 2025.

Zero Tolerance for Whimsy and Fantasy of Any Kind

Fri, 11 Jul 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Stunning, Horrifying, and Excellent
• Heteronormative Homosocial Posturing
• A Large Screwdriver Fished Out of His Colon
• Military Men Confess Their Sins
• Pepe the Horny Frenchman
• When You Feel Like Making a Booty Call
• Fish Stink From the Head Down
• He Drinks a Whiskey Drink, He Drinks a Vodka Drink
• Henry Kissinger Finally Dies
• Grandma's Spectacular Pancakes

Recorded July 4, 2025.

Who's Spending $32,000 on a Misspelled Climax?

Fri, 04 Jul 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• It Rained Orange Juice and Froze Overnight
• Every Audiophile's Wet Dream
• They Tumble Through the Cheese Cloth Pretty Fast
• The Hour of Sleep You Get After You Pee
• It's Like Trying to Schedule Sex
• Libidos, and How Autistic You Both Are
• I'll Be Back on a Horse
• Show Up to School Without Pants On
• Fresh, Minty Jet Spray Wash for the Inside of My Brain
• You'd Be Playing Your Harp to a Cow

Recorded June 26, 2025.

A Really Funny Thing to Hear Your Rabbi Say

Fri, 27 Jun 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• At Peak Manic Right Now
• Let's Talk About What Meds You're On
• GenXers are More Wizened
• The Breathless Excitement of Sex in a Barn
• Raised on Hose Water and Neglect
• Yes, They're Just a Cesspool of Horny
• Rabbit Trails Exploding Across the Transom
• Hippies So Hairy and Dirty They Look Like Wookies
• Huffing VHS Cleaner
• Afrikaans is Just Twisted, Convoluted Dutch

Recorded June 19, 2025.

His Coworker Has a Prehensile Tail

Fri, 20 Jun 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Five Minutes in and We're Several Faux Pas Deep
• Having Pabulum Infused Directly Into My Veins
• I'm Rot Maxing Today
• He Spelled His Name "Hen3ry"
• I Have a Dirty Penguin Joke at Some Point
• For All I Know You Could be Naked
• Full Body Armor and a Kalashnikov Were a Daily Thing
• It Looks Like You Blew a Seal
• The Most Irish Euphemism for Bombings and Retaliatory Massacres
• That Rules Out a Lot of Very Confused Lutherans

Recorded June 11, 2025.

A Quiche Recipe With a Very Happy Ending

Fri, 06 Jun 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• I Hang Out With Weirdos, Not Creeps
• My Eyes are Tired, As is My Soul, But Yet I Frolic
• Literally Carrying Buckets of Piss and Shit
• Almost Like a Kind of Radar
• Ever Go to Those Swinger Parties Where Everyone Puts Their Keys in a Bowl?
• Norovirus, or Other Such Explosive Afflictions
• Did You Interact With a Boob Today?
• Task Failed Successfully!
• We All Poop, Except the Queen
• Your Father Was Conceived at Yellowstone

Recorded May 29, 2025.

Very Handsome, Very Chill, and Extremely Dutch

Fri, 30 May 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Aardvark, Van der Kaamp, Beethoven, Roosevelt, Ruurlo
• I Was a Ho, Bryan
• Funny How White These Schools Were
• What Generation of Communist Sympathizers are They Raising?
• I Oughta Kick Your Ass Right Up Between Your Eyeballs
• We Have Local Blast Chambers
• The Booty Was Called, the Booty Responded
• He's a Filthy, Greasy Rat Bag, and Kind of a Pervert
• Hank and His Kleptomaniacal Wife
• Lead and Methamphetamine in Their Rice Krispies

Recorded May 23, 2025.

Can You Pass the Catsup, Please?

Fri, 16 May 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Easily the Most Petty Version of Nebraska Behavior
• Hiding Behind the Piano, Sobbing
• With the Jawbone of a Donkey, Heaps Upon Heaps
• It's Up There With Lemon-Scented Contacts
• A Minimum of Three Genocides
• He's a Cuz Nuzzler
• Bilhah and Zilpah Get the Shaft Coming and Going
• We're Going Back to Mud Huts, Folks
• It Danced Out of His Brain Like a Wood Sprite
• I've Become Basically Buddhist

Recorded May 9, 2025.

All Living Creatures Will Eventually Evolve Into Crabs

Fri, 09 May 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Judges is an Adorably Problematic Book
• Unwilling to Tear Open Your Friend's Chest Cavity
• Feelin' Pretty Fucking Unappreciated, Al
• It's a Manifestation of the Infinite Microculture
• I Can Finally Bring Out My White Pumps
• You Know This Was a Sexual Audition, Right?
• Put in in February, Like the Icelanders Do
• The Accumulation of Stupid Questions Into a Cluster Calhoun
• Another Day in the Hemo-Necrocracy
• Trying to Figure Out What the Hell Easter Is

Recorded May 2, 2025.

Somebody Sneezed on the Croutons While Eating Bat Soup

Fri, 25 Apr 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Wearing a Sandwich Board in Front of a Del Taco
• Not the Least Interested in Cocaine Right Now
• Mow My Lawn Menacingly
• Where the Hell You Came Up With Iron Ore
• Oh, There's No End of Whimsy
• A Mishmash of Fabrications and Paranoid Fantasies
• Diving Headfirst Into the Quicksand
• The Most Gay I've Ever Felt in My Entire Life
• Your Very Own Personal Zapruder
• A Triangle From Your Throat to Your Nipples

Recorded April 17, 2025.

Am I Demisexual?

Fri, 18 Apr 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Speaking as an Amateur Body Builder With Truly Middling Results
• It Doesn't, as Far as I Know, Creep Anyone Out
• Five Beats or Three Dry Swallows
• Did Somebody Poop During This Session?
• Inviting Myself Into That Big Giant Cornucopia
• Throw 5-Year-Olds Off a 10-Story Building
• Izzy's Glizzy Party
• Long Stretches of "Kitty Cat in Extreme Peril"
• God Bless Those Baltic Animators
• Jousting With Their Balloon-Animal Penises

Recorded April 11, 2025.

I Bathe All My Kids in Raw Sewage

Fri, 11 Apr 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• A Bromance Between a Robot and a Dog
• Of Course It's a Werewolf Thing
• Once You've Discovered a Japanese Toilet
• Hey Everybody, My Just Dad Died!
• That's an Expensive and Dangerous Philosophy
• The Fact That I Have Nipples
• Leaking Gasoline and Melted Crayons
• The Maori Eat Each Other
• Sit in a Chair and Watch the Emperor Sleep
• You Can't Call Us "Bitch"

Recorded April 3, 2025.

The Vanilla Ice Cream of Psychedelic Mushrooms

Fri, 04 Apr 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Penis Envy is a Hot Tub Time Machine
• My Negative Harumphy Vibes
• An Epistemologist Feeling a Little Cantankerous
• Was it the Tip or the Shaft?
• A Teaspoon's Dollop of the Blue Honey
• The Substance Tolerance of a 93-Pound Vietnamese Girl
• My 6th Erectile Dysfunction Test This Week
• Rapid Onset Ego Death
• Surely There are Witch Doctors in London
• I Can Barely Stand Ezra Klein

Recorded March 28, 2025.

I Just Need to Fondle a Kiwi

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• He Didn't Want to Take the Spigot Out of the Guy's Leg
• Do You Do Caffeine Enemas for Fun?
• Ingest Adrenaline By Drinking the Blood of Your Enemies
• Someone's Always Plotting a Genocide
• Hoisted By His Own Petard
• I've Been Thinking a Lot About Impaling
• A Lead Stake Moving 52,000 Miles an Hour
• I Have Eaten Pig Brain, By the Way
• Oh, No: You Go Straight to Hell
• It Comes From the French Word for "Fart"

Recorded March 21, 2025.

Slay the House Down Boots!

Fri, 21 Mar 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• I'm Schnauzing the VapoRub Kleenex
• As Australian as it is Gay
• Unless They're Actively Bludgeoning People on the Battlefield
• Close Enough to Pejorativize
• Never Say "Supposedly" When "Ostensibly" Will Do
• That's Literally Onanism
• Tie My Head to an Anthill and Smear My Ears in Jam
• His is a Teeny But Hers is Not
• Accused of Banging the Cubs' Pitcher's Wife
• If We Are in Morocco I Kill You

Recorded March 13, 2025.

One Day You Will Make a Woman Very, Very Angry

Fri, 14 Mar 2025 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Fat Men Play With Their Garden Hoses
• Do You Know What the Term "Twink Death" Is?
• Downward Volatility Sucks!
• I Like a Good Liminal Space
• To His Horror He Finds Himself in Hell
• James Ray, My Little Minion
• Something You Might Pour Over Your Spaghetti
• All Mimsy Were the Borogoves
• Jive Turkey Ain't Got No Brains Anyhow
• Did You See Anybody With a Smudge on Their Forehead?

Recorded March 6, 2025.

It's No Patagonian Toothfish, I'll Tell You That Much

Fri, 07 Mar 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• The Scrawlings of a Madman on the Walls of His Cell
• Our Measurement Here is Sheboygan's Yardstick
• You are Bruce Banner, and I Keep Poking You
• I Don't Always Want to Be the Straight Man to Your Idiocy
• Go to the Amazon and Get Stung by a Bullet Ant
• Does This Involve Jergens and Kleenex?
• Holes in the Fabric of the American Fast Food Patchwork
• He Got Some Pep in His Rickety-Old-Car Step
• She's an Emo Chainsmoker Now
• Tuna, Step Aside: You Have Been Dethroned

Recorded February 27, 2025.

Who Brought a Monkey to Lake Michigan?

Fri, 28 Feb 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• One of the Quasi-Protagonists, Although He's a Douchebag
• I Get Light-Headed and Itchy
• What is This, a Zaphod Beeblebrox Universe?
• That's the Shit I Thought Bossa Nova Saved Us From
• The Shock Completely Annihilated Her Brain
• Famously, a Show About Nothing
• A Genius Doing Insufferable Microtonal Music
• I'm Going to Crucify You at the Stake!
• Written From, To, and For a Depressive Stupor
• The Sheeple Part of My Brain and the Prayer it Makes

Recorded February 21, 2025.

Dusty, Snuffy, Sooty, Smoky, Turbid, Dreggy, Slimy, Smutty

Fri, 21 Feb 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Because I Really Did Hate This Radio Station
• Every Mainlander is a Yenta
• I Dunno ... Ask My Dead Parents
• It Was a Letter Full of Direct Personal Insults
• A Tsunami of Insectile Flesh
• She Will Make Me Happy, and Bear Me Many Babies
• A Friend of Mine Has a Frog Deck
• 38% of GenZers are Not Having Sex
• Dark, Scowly, Wrinkly Faces
• A Bunch of Entries Under the Heading "Uncleanness"

Recorded February 14, 2025.

French was Meant to Be Heard and Not Seen

Fri, 14 Feb 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Common Everyday Working Laxatives
• Chase Ass Till the Cows Came Home
• Moses Floated Down the Nile on Hot Water
• I Really Hope My Parents are Having Sex
• A Fever-Sweat of Desperate Libido
• Once Upon a Time, Before Orange Man
• Was Satan Attacking Your Chinese Neighbors Too?
• Woo-Woo and Witch-Doctor Kinda Stuff
• Caught in the Baptismal at a Church Lock-In
• My Old Ass is Very Gen Z

Recorded February 6, 2025.

In the Biological Muck of All Her Children

Fri, 07 Feb 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• I'm on Tenterhooks and Walking on Eggshells
• Calling Chinese Cuisine "Lunar Food"
• At Risk of Committing 69 Microaggressions
• When am I?
• Big Company! Eat Little Company! Bad! Bad!
• 3 Days in a Hotel Room Ralphing
• Dead Pig Parts Sitting Out in the Marketplace
• Every Word Would Have to Stink of Heaven
• My Guitar's Producer Placebo Toggle
• Carrying Around Some Tannah and Caden Umami

Recorded January 31, 2025.

Sometimes a Megalodon Will Show Up, and That's Really Bad

Fri, 31 Jan 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• For Weeks They Fed Me Food on a Pole
• You'd Make a Really Shitty Unitarian Universalist
• Steal Some of Their Coffee Before We Go
• The Average Swede Has 1.99 Legs
• Like Being a Bull Elephant in the Serengeti
• He's Been Jibbering for 6 Days Straight
• Incredible Amounts of Subterfuge and Testosterone
• Spaff it Into the Floorboards
• A Giant Exercise in Rage Machine Clickbait
• I Dropped My Secretions Toward a Far-Distant Hole

Recorded January 23, 2025.

Lying Naked in the Rain on a Tin Roof in Uganda

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• O'Reilly Auto Parts and a Story About Hookers
• It Literally Means "Dog Ass"
• The Opium Den Had More Drapes Than I Thought
• Paul McCartney Didn't Need to Pee
• Certified Pre-Owned Virgins
• The God-King of the New Chinese-American Interbreeding
• I'm Going to Lay Down and Rot Instead
• Sucking Sludge for Safety-Kleen
• Your Dulcet Tones and Your Excellent Face
• Put a Dollar in the Guy's Jockstrap

Recorded January 16, 2025.

And Boom! You're Horizontal in Wyuka

Fri, 17 Jan 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Cut That Proverbial Baby in Half
• Do People Cross Rainbow Bridges?
• Adam Called Me Honky
• Chugging Along, Still Cutting Down Trees
• We've Found the Chinese Übermensch
• A Burnt Out, Drug-Addled Guy Named Reverend Jim
• Didn't Require a Shot of Penicillin
• Caught in the Boys' Shower With the Home Ec Teacher
• You're Not Sticking This Up in People's Faces
• A Dildo and a Penis Whistle

Recorded January 9, 2025.

The Most ESFJ Sentence in the History of the English Language

Fri, 10 Jan 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Mortgage Manor, The Colonel, and That Damn Cat
• I've Eaten Three Chickens in the Last Two Days
• Ranking High for "Asian Ass Porn"
• Someone in Ashwaubenon is Doing Things Right
• An Ancient Black Man in a Snakeskin Suit
• Where They Made Their Own Dresses and Raised Goats
• The Kvetching Around Reagan
• Why Aren't Hitler's Paintings in the Louvre?
• OJ is Like a Funny Relic Now
• There's No Such Thing as No Such Thing

Recorded January 2, 2025.

A Very Valuable Lesson Which I Now Apply to Narcissists

Fri, 03 Jan 2025 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• How Many People are Living in an Iron Lung Right Now?
• A Little Rainbow Splotch to the Left of It
• Telegraph Sex and Bomb Threats
• I Don't Spend a Lot of Time Looking at the Sun
• Twins, and They're Both Aboriginal
• Our Drummer is a Felon
• They Didn't Call Me a Barrel-Chested Monster Baby for Nothing
• Barring Some Freak Relational Disaster
• The Value of a Single Human Life, in Bushels of Wheat
• Does That Mean the Window is a Spoon?

Recorded December 26, 2024.

May We All Meet the Dogs Someday, and Once Again Frolic Among Them

Fri, 20 Dec 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Learn to Yearn for the Exuberance of Play
• Fire and Fury and Burning Babies
• The Lifeless Puddle That Was Once Frosty
• Stab the CEO With Your Banjo
• This Jesus Guy Blows My Mind
• Munch More Vigorously on My Popcorn
• Scolding and Censorious and Noisome and Irritating
• Ticker-Tape Me Through Why That's Funny
• An Ass That would Launch 1,000 Ships
• There Was No Babbling, Yowling, or Jabbering

Recorded December 12, 2024.

Industrial-Sized Server Farms of Actual Indian People

Fri, 13 Dec 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Say "Drew Peacock" Really Fast
• A Great Show Until One of Them Died
• Get Your AI to Hallucinate
• What Might Possibly Constitute a Refrigerator
• My Bank is Now an Amazon Fresh
• Getting Them to Sweat in Their Own Living Rooms
• But She's Got a Full Head of Hair
• According to David, That Makes Him a Goon
• Your Insulin is Subsidized
• We'll Happily Splice in Burger King Commercials

Recorded December 5, 2024.

We're in Cahoots, the Pie and Me

Fri, 06 Dec 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Distended Stomachs and Meat Mouths
• Can I Shit on One Human Culture in Particular?
• Caves That Take Expert Spelunking
• A Baby You Threw in a Box and Forgot About
• Saturn Has No Influence on Me
• An Arms Race Between the Dolphins, the Crows, and the Pigs
• Japan Prefers Robot Bears
• Blessings I've Had, Being a Nepotist
• Astrology is Flat Earth for Fashionable People
• All the Ways Your Peg is Squared

Recorded November 29, 2024.

I Imagine His Luggage Does Indeed Stink of Crustacean

Fri, 29 Nov 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Up My Nostrils, As Well They Should Be
• My Brainless Ear Candy Playlist
• A Gajillion Ladies With Their Pekingese Yipe-Yipe-Yipe Dogs
• Do The Right Thing: Kill Them First
• This is My Roommate, Naked
• They Don't Eat Cats Where I Lived
• The Penis of the Plains, As They Call It
• You Were Gestating at the Time
• A Polyamorous Lesbian is Being Scolded by Her Mother
• Ken Could Be a Rather Grand Dick

Recorded November 21, 2024.

I Only Vote for Candidates Whose Windows I Can Throw Bricks Through

Fri, 22 Nov 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• I Was in a Mosh Pit Recently
• He's the God of Dolphins and Underground Plumbing
• Strabismus as Usual
• The Drummer is Drooling Evenly From Both Sides of His Mouth
• Does He Shake Righty or Lefty?
• An Unusually Violent G.K. Chesterton Quote
• I Can Drive Over to the Guy's House and Punch Him in the Face
• You'd be Amazed How Far You Can Get With Pizza
• All Our Listeners Can Pillory Me
• The Look of Puzzlement, Followed by Bright Happy Surprise

Recorded November 14, 2024.

There's Something About the Charlie-Brownness of This Whole Story

Fri, 08 Nov 2024 15:00:00 -0600

Also:
• And I Looked Into the Chicken's Eyes
• What Exactly is Stroking This Little Endorphin Rush of Pleasure?
• No State-Sponsored Kid-Diddling Involved
• I Have a Love-Hate Relationship With ESTJs
• A Dorky Evening Serial Drama That Starred Alec Baldwin
• That Absolute Asshole of a Child
• Someone Whose Middle Name is Actually "Car"
• Covered in This Pink Translucent Gunk
• It's Either the Mushrooms or the Stairs
• You'd Be Amazed What People Will Do for Pizza

Recorded October 31, 2024.

Too Much Funk in the Internet Kombucha

Fri, 25 Oct 2024 07:00:00 -0500

• The Tail is Wagging the Dog, at This Point
• A Smarmy Group of Know-It-All Assholes
• After a Prolonged Edging Session
• Your Caramel-Smooth Voice and Pipes of a Flautist
• Funniness is Holiness
• How Many Birds are Named After White Men?
• Skibidi, Nut, and Gooning
• Gen-Alpha Emerged From the Dank Depths Below
• Rife With Irony, Irritation, Boredom, and a Sneering Bite
• $49 in Stevie Wonder's Bank Account

Recorded October 22, 2024.

Cuyler Just Cannot Stomach the Wholesomeness

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Chatting Up Some Mormon Floozy
• Full of Privileged Little Snot-Nosed White Kids
• Like a Gutted Walleye
• You've Stepped Into the Greatest Dojo on Earth
• I Only Have One Torso
• Leaving Pieces of Steak on Her Porch
• Naked in Front of Polite Company
• Charlie Kirk Among Pink-Haired Leftists
• Her Mouth in a Big Giant Ice Sling
• The Family Has to Travel in a Winnebago

Recorded October 10, 2024

His Body is a Variety of Small and Large Pumpkins

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Bang the Drum About the Tinkerbell Effect
• It's Been Donkey's Years
• How Many Megatons of Beetle Flesh Would it Be?
• In a Pool of His Own Shit in the Green Room
• You're in Fine Fettle!
• Explain the Very Large Diversity of Marsupials
• One Very Tenacious Peanut Farmer
• The World's First Sexually Ambiguous Superhero
• 46 Pounds of Steroids in Your Carryon
• A Particular Papery Yellowness to His Skin

Recorded October 3, 2024.

Something About the Charlie-Brownness of This Whole Story

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 07:00:00 -0500

What Happens if You Microwave a Human Eye?

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• An "Old Man Screams at Clouds" Moment
• Like Hello Fresh, But With Human Anatomy
• I'm Not Stalin but You're Mao-Thing Off
• They Had to Kill Thousands of Orangutans
• Unless I'm in the Mood for Popeye's Chicken
• It's Always Blood Sacrifice
• Lodged in My Brain Like Corn in My Teeth
• I Said "Rhodesia" Flippantly
• With Lips of Power and Verses of Fury
• Abraham Lincoln on a Spaceship

Recorded September 26, 2024.

Mmmm ... Hospice!

Fri, 27 Sep 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Somewhere Between Hiroshima and Tsar Bomba
• I'd Rather Not Have Tinnitus
• And a Very Large Blast Crater
• The Most Popular Smut on the Internet
• A Swim in a Spent-Nuclear-Fuel Pool
• The Same Reaction to a Baboon
• All Ready to Tear Each Other's Throats Out
• Throwing Punches, or Setting Fire to Their Guest House
• A Lot of Animalism and Growling
• I Think She's Locked Up Scarier People

Recorded September 19, 2024.

Enough Epistemology to Ruin Your Dinner

Fri, 20 Sep 2024 10:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Delighted to Introduce Sbubby to Your Cousin
• Almost the Same Level of Skeleton
• They Ran Off Scampering Into Trees, Naked
• Happy With a Perceived Idiot in Charge
• The Veep Just Shot a Guy in the Face
• Two Can Keep a Secret if One is Lobotomized
• The Word Pretzels We Tie Ourselves Into
• Should We Be Eating Babies?
• Weeping on the Ground Like Socrates Just Stepped on You
• Although I Find Him Kind of a Dick

Recorded September 13, 2024.

The BeeGees Won't Sue Me, I Hope

Fri, 13 Sep 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• He Can Stand Up During Doggy
• Beaten Into Submission With a Metronome
• Stiff, Awkward, Shitty White-People Music
• The Comedic Needs of Generation Alpha
• Was Mercury in Gatorade?
• You Were There, Waddling Around as a Toddler
• Mmm-Hmm, That is Baby-Makin' Music!
• Such Insufferable Disco Schmaltz
• Was That When They Killed Your Lemon Verbena?
• Just the Odd Nebraskan Voodoo Curse

Recorded September 5, 2024.

A Poorly Groomed, Maladjusted Welsh Roommate Named Spike

Fri, 30 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• I Recently Won a Battle for a Sponge Cavity
• A Little Spot Called Quoddy Head
• Consensual Beatings That Trigger Urination
• Sea Lions, Sunfish, and Julius Caesar
• Maybe a Little Skanky on the Weekends
• Runts Make Love, Not War
• Involve Battery Acid in Your Reproductive Process
• Classic Frank Zappa Judo
• They Always Served Lobster to the Prisoners
• With the Minor Addition of Zendaya

Recorded August 22, 2024.

My Time Machine Drops Me Off in a Broom Closet

Fri, 23 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• The Older Ladies Were All Fans of Capital Punishment
• He Couldn't Not Get His Dick Wet
• Well, Ain't This Place a Geographical Oddity!
• A Giant Horseshit Kangaroo Court
• He's Honorable Because His Dad's a Lord
• A Bulletproof Chamber You Could Walk Through
• Bryan's Recipe Ecstasy Corner
• I Never Thought Leopards Would Eat My Face
• A Giant Oz-the-Great-and-Powerful Construct
• Don't You Think That's a Slight Against Insects?

Recorded August 14, 2024.

Everybody There is a Freak of Nature

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Dude, This Does Not Suck!
• What Strange Shower Were You Bathing In?
• And I Use This Term Incorrectly
• Two Matching Diamond-Encrusted Cock Rings
• As I'm in This Perpetual State of Cringe
• Skeet Shooting is Really Bad for Television
• Massively Irritate My Already Irritated Bladder
• Korean Archers Have Groupies
• Just the Look of Bafflement on Your Face
• Take Thy Beak From Out My Heart

Recorded August 8, 2024.

Use the Fire Extinguisher to Bludgeon Somebody

Fri, 09 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• We Probably Don't Eat Enough Mud
• The Coffee Pot for Masochists
• A Known Thing That You've Got a Limp Noodle
• She's Still All Sniffly
• Part of That Process is My Butthole
• Large Muscular Mounds of Grossness
• This Will Make Her a Screamer
• Chronic Pinkeye From Sunrise to Sunset
• Another Kidney Stone on the Way
• Particularly Recalcitrant Toddlers

Recorded August 1, 2024.

Fart, Poop, Pee, or Blow Your Nose

Sat, 03 Aug 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• This Giant Sea of Poison Ivy
• Sidenote: D.C. Sucks
• Because Your Beloved Has the 'Rona
• Another Potentate from Paraguay
• Chinese is Full of Tripthongs
• Duct Tape, Bailing Wire, and Chewing Gum
• The Legendary Place to Lose Volleyballs
• Rob Had This Weird Voodoo
• Sucking Away Massive Amounts of Your RAM
• Raised on Hose Water and Neglect

Recorded July 26, 2024.

"I Shot the Sheriff" Meets "Hava Nagila"

Fri, 26 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• All the Places You've Sharted Yourself
• Guys Eating 70-Foot Pizzas
• A Weird Kink That's Unreciprocated
• And I'm Not Even a Dog Guy
• June is Busting Out All Over
• You're a Different Kind of Rat
• A Cross Between John Lennon and Geddy Lee
• We Elected You Resident Sex God
• Weird and Spidery and Way Out on the Edge
• And Then I Want to Talk About Refrigerators

Recorded July 18, 2024.

Juno, the Sequel: Michael Cera Impregnates a Man

Fri, 19 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• We Live in a Post-Pac-Man-Fever Wasteland
• Let's Jitz and Squaw Till We're Jatzed
• Is There a Cameo by Pinkman?
• I've Always Been a Lot More Effete Than Travis Kelce
• Fatwa Sex is the Best Sex There Is
• Six Cicada-Killing Hornets Outside Our Laundry Room
• The Guide to Recalcitrance is on the Back of Your Shirt
• A Lot Harder When it's Time to Skin the Rabbit
• To Genocide or Not to Genocide
• I Hate People Who Measure Things in Cubic Furlongs

Recorded July 11, 2024.

Get Away From That Tree and Stop Barking

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Let's Abolish the 7-Day Week
• So Much More Angular, Upsetting, and Obtuse
• Kicking the Shit Out of the Credenza
• A Massive Emotional Scab Ripped Off One Day
• Jordan Sounds Like a Lunatic
• A Man Will F*** in a Cardboard Box
• You Feel Seepy and Got a Hangnail
• I Still Don't Understand Autogynephilia
• Who's Left if We Remove Linda?
• Experiencing Asshole Skulduggery
• The Hemidemisemiquaver of Years

Recorded July 3, 2024.

I Just Finished Her Chapter About Willies

Fri, 05 Jul 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Please Do Not Think Too Hard About This
• We Spoon for All the Wrong Reasons
• Death and Gangrene and Putrefaction and Dogs and Cannibalism
• Single Out the Jews as an Entire Category
• No Botulism at McDonald's
• God's Got a Great Rack
• That's a Damn Miracle Right There
• Jonah, Pissed to the Point of Dying
• Was it, Like, Brainworm?
• That is the Right Postscript to That Postscript

Recorded June 27, 2024.

A Punch is a Fleshy, Slappy Sound

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• You Take a Dinghy to Get There
• The Lurkers, the Listeners, the Shadows
• Is This Fighting or Really Violent Sex?
• A Chunk Out of Your Leg and a Dead Seal Next to You
• Foxy John's Bardware Store
• Me and My Terrified Ass, Bleeding From One Hand
• No Better Time to Have Daddy There
• The Stock is Falling for Straight White Men
• Vigilante Justice is Generally Frowned Upon
• Skulking Around Doing Passive-Aggressive Bullshit

Recorded June 20, 2024.

Her Mouth is Being Vacated by the Day

Fri, 07 Jun 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Jet Fuel for My Colon
• I Haven't Had My Swashes Buckled in a While
• Greater and Greater Levels of Pure Dadaism
• This Life of Near-Hermetic Isolation
• I Was Playing Cornhole With My Butt
• Semi-Competitive Bible Study
• You Shot Your Toes Off With the Gun You Loaded
• We Both Became Gigantic Monster Babies
• Maybe it was a Gay Shibboleth
• Literally Back-of-the-Napkin Sexting

Recorded May 30, 2024.

The Worship Leader's Campaign to Destroy Bryan Once and For All

Fri, 31 May 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• We're Talking About Gourds
• Some Howling, Narcissistic Rendition of a Christmas Song
• Mayonnaise a Lotta People!
• Words You Didn't Know Were in the Redneck Dictionary
• Black Size Matters
• Mow Over Some Beta-Ass-Bitch Inferior Vehicle
• No One Spit Out Their Beer or Their Nachos
• Hands in the Air, Massaging His Nipples
• People Eat With Their Eyes
• Giant-Ass Wheels and Tens of Thousands of Dollars of Shocks

Recorded May 24, 2024.

Keep Pouring Jaeger Down His Throat Until He Turns Blue

Fri, 24 May 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Ever Known Someone Who Could Gleek?
• Cuyler, You're an Emotional Strobe Light
• Just Summer Camp Middle-School Sodomy
• Dave's Seen Some Pretty Heinous Shit
• Kind of Goon, Kind of Ogre-Looking
• The Pet Sematary Version of Ronald Reagan
• Watch Her Puke Up Her Lunch
• A Very Stupid and Emotionally Stunted Dog
• Little Pupating, Disgusting Grubbies
• Doesn't Every Volleyball Team Have an Audiologist?

Recorded May 16, 2024.

Stop Tornadoes. Take Precautions. Use Protection.

Fri, 10 May 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Hold Down the Screaming Soldier
• Nebraska is Just a Single Monolith of Nothingness
• Absence of Red Tape and Justice for All
• She is an Ocean Unto Herself
• Complaining About How Stinky Chicago Is
• OIMBY, Bucko!
• We Don't Insult Our Former Guests
• One of the Most Tannah-Marshall Moments
• Just Three Shy of Kevin Bacon
• You Forgot to Mention Gorgeously Flossed Teeth

Recorded May 2, 2024.

Them That Ain't Sick is Dead

Fri, 03 May 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• If You Have a Daughter, Name Her Bob
• Every Year Tom Becomes a Weirder Human Being
• I Thought CMT Was a Time Zone
• Are You Supposed to be Schwasted?
• A Functional Guide to Nepotism
• Fuck the Library of Congress; We're Doing Rainbows
• 'Raging Bull' Meets 'Jean de Florette'
• The Nerves in My Legs is Shot
• A Rubber Ducky With a Jeep Grille
• It Started With a Controversy Over a Pig

Recorded April 25, 2024.

Isn't That a Euphemism for the Hanky Panky?

Fri, 19 Apr 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• The Cigarette Doctors Recommend Most
• Go Warsh in the Crick
• Perry has, Functionally, a Canadian Accent
• The Best Place to Get Sucker Punched
• Did This Involve Women Lifting Their Shirts at Padre Island?
• That German Guy Spun and Spun and Spun
• We Gotta Incorporate That Shit
• That's a Sauna for Every Two People
• When Someone Covered Himself in Pig Guts
• The Woo-Woo Grassy Vegan Folks are Alive and Well
• We're Getting Fucked Up in the Holy Spirit Tonight

Recorded April 11, 2024.

Jeremy's Post-Prandial and Ante-Jentacular Circumgyrations

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• You Can Beat a Dead Horse to Water
• A Nepotist's Symposium
• Until Bryan No Longer Inhales Food
• I Waded Through Urine at One Point
• As Much Testosterone as a Gorilla Gets
• For the Mongrels to Chew On
• Is Hufflepuff Just a Bunch of Stupid People?
• Doug is Dead From the Neck Down
• How Many Ex-Rockstars are Drooling Into Buckets
• More Autopsies Than One Can Count

Recorded April 4, 2024.

He Snapped His Fingers and POOF! Tripled Her Supply of Garlic

Fri, 05 Apr 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• You and I Have Looked Longingly at the Razor Wire
• Fired for Saying "Booger" on the Air
• She Was Permanently a Virgin, in Spite of Having Several Sons
• A Mix of Bedtime Story and Eldritch Horror
• Jesus Rolls Out the Best Weed
• This Annoying Toothpaste Jingle Playing Everywhere
• Are We Going to Get Sued for This?
• His Wife's Stupid Interactive Soap Operas
• Smells Like Fragrant Stable Hay
• That's a Dr. Seuss Character Right There

Recorded March 28, 2024.

A Little Peanut Butter Esophagus Combined With the Paranoia of Weed

Fri, 29 Mar 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Drive You Into a Pall of Weird, Reflective Silence
• Defecate Before Joining the Conversation
• My Crippling Addiction to Caffeine
• They've Got the High Schoolers and the Potheads
• Eat a Literal Half Kilogram of Greek Yogurt
• First Cousins Can Only be Removed Once
• The Best Fake Oscar Wilde Perpendicularisms
• Horrendously Ugly and Tremendously Imperious
• Taste the Gamey Pungency of Goat Milk
• As I Sat in the Bathtub, Soaping a Meditative Foot

Recorded March 22, 2024.

A Tiny Handful of Barely Plausible Proof Texts

Fri, 22 Mar 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• This Idiot Who Thinks the Titanic Sailed From Belfast
• Was There Holy Vomiting?
• I Did Anal in the Forest Preserve
• Inform the Staff if There's a Biohazard at Play
• Reed Gets a Torta
• The Beans Tasted Like Feet and Poop
• He Didn't Do Evangelical Porn, I Guess
• A Concoction of Dandelions and Mud
• Strip Mine the Living Shit Out of West Virginia
• And Sharks Ate Vegetables

Recorded March 15, 2024.

Can We Just Not Mention Jesus for the Next 100 Years?

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Very Expensive and Very Dangerous, Especially in a Garage
• Piss Susan Off at Deeper and Greater Levels
• Here's an Andes Mint, Just for Your Trouble
• Star Trek's "Men in Red Shirts" Phenomenon
• Drive a Tent Peg Through the Guy's Temple
• She Was Cut in Pieces and Sent to the Twelve Tribes
• Chia Pet Scooby Doo Head Lamps
• It Always Seems to Involve Something Annoyingly Technical
• John McGee's Bar Church at the Outer Space
• That is the Most You Shit

Recorded March 7, 2024.

A Colombian Necktie Would Be More Ethical, and More Pleasant

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Oh, I Can Illustrate "Sexpot"!
• A Nice Sweet Bright-Faced Little Virginal High School Boy
• Ground Up, Burnt, and in the Compost Bin
• A Compound Archetype of Übermensch and Dreamboat
• See the Saggy Bits on Her Face
• How Cannot the Internet Immediately Anoint Him God-King?
• Not the Intended Outcome of Sand Dune Time
• Either Pretended or Total Idiocy
• Ignore the Barnacles and the Algae Colonies
• The Cheerleaders Were Kind of Skanky

Recorded March 1, 2024.

Guttural Monosyllabic References to Mud and Body Parts

Fri, 01 Mar 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• The Swastika's Getting All This Attention
• I'm Being as Germanic as I Can
• All This Boner Semen Energy You Got
• Nobody Ever Fed Me a Bowl of Mustard
• All Roads Lead to John Paul Mendocha
• Peat-Moss-Level Vulgarity About Everything
• Dirty Bulking is Fun
• I Do Regret Not Eating Cheese
• A Fascinatingly Textured Piece of Cabbage
• So Goddamn Motivated About the Stupidest Wrongheaded Shit

Recorded February 22, 2024.

You're Dumb and Stupid and That Was Not a Hill to Die On

Fri, 23 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• Grandpa is Turning 19!
• My Brief Foray Into Branch Swinging
• Refer to Her as "Toots"
• Carrie Fisher Killing Large Groups of People
• Force Fed Through Dialogue Into Your Mouth
• Infinite Diatribe and Universal Scorn
• Little Guttersnipes and Chimney Sweeps
• Who the Hell is Ricardo?
• Nobody Wants an NFL Without Steroids
• The Mere Religious Mythicality of the Gesture

Recorded February 15, 2024.

"I Keep Finding Babies All Over My House."

Fri, 16 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• 50 People Who Fecked Up Ireland
• The Buffalo Bills of Presidential Candidates
• I'd Read the Fuck Out of That Book
• Obligatory, Perfunctory Sex
• Do I Have to Kiss Adam?
• Sucking the Grease Out of Leftover Newspapers
• Three Cheers for Teutonic Sex!
• A Roundhouse Kick to the Upper Jaw
• Mud Wrestling, With Ejaculation
• The Kids are Infested With Lice

Recorded February 8, 2024.

A Torrential Outpouring of Viscera and Clot

Fri, 09 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:
• I'll Be Eating the Consequences
• Make That Bass Your Bitch
• Inside Joliet Prison 7 Times
• Pepperoni-Shaped Nipples
• Must Be Your First Race War
• Keep the Four Drunks Happy
• Filipino Gastropub Fusion Food
• Whatever Spigot You Found
• Urban Spelunking
• Monopoly as a Trauma Signal

Recorded February 1, 2024.

Pulling a Small Fish Out of the Nose of an Equally Small Child

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Weird Resonances of My Skull
You're Doxxed in One Dimension
Addicted to the Fucking Sun
It is Bombardment Nonetheless
Looks Like a Brain Hemisphere Nail
How Putrefied Your Amputated Leg Is
My Neanderthal Brow Ridge
The Unwitting Adam of the Marshall Nuclear Waste
Two Words: Unga Bunga
Next to the Blue-Footed Boobies

Recorded January 11, 2024.

Bend Over Until You Feel Searing Pain, A Buildup of Phlegm, and Oh, the Lunk Alarm!

Fri, 12 Jan 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

An Audacious-Ass Thing to Say
Deliciously Handsome and Effervescently Rugged
More Likely to Shit Myself
Strangle Yourself Bench Pressing
Sacrifice My Son on the Table Next to Me
This Superhero Likes Drinking Beer
I Won't Not Eat, Ever
Your Texting is Temperamental
As Soon as it Becomes a Sausage Party
That's Not a Gym, It's a Hospital

Recorded January 4, 2024.

I Just Ate a Church Window, Assault Your Sinuses From the Inside, and Kerrygold Butter, as Well You Should

Fri, 05 Jan 2024 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Delightfully Pajama-Esque
This Solid Half-Mound of Chocolate Goodness
Hillbillies Doing Their Hillbilly Shit
All Dirt Roads Lead to Tech
The Greek Orthodox Expansion Pack
Post-China, Agnostic, and Still Processing Rage
Are You Wearing Overalls?
Extraordinarily Sweet and Strange Gifts
It's in There Like a Rotten Tooth
Despite the Entire Pizza Being Soup
A Good Impression of a Lisping Kid

Recorded December 28, 2023.

While I Was Taking a Leak, God Breast Ye Merry, and Japan is the Foreignest of Foreign

Fri, 29 Dec 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

ChatGPT's Seasonal Affective Disorder
Stick a Laser Up Your Pecker
This Book Full of Japanese Smut
Extraordinarily Smart and Pathologically Cunning
'Tis the Solstice, Mr. Sun
I Prefer Robot Bears to Foreign Nurses
Raising Money for Men's Buttholes
What Other Cultures Find Titillating
You've Got Some Unburied Hatchets
Fortunately Pretty but Unfortunately Board-Like

Recorded December 21, 2023.

A Pianist in a Yakuza Bar, My Mouth Tastes Like Vomit, and Dwarves Who Have Their Own Spaceships

Fri, 22 Dec 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

A Survivalist Born Just North of Hell
Roundly Enjoying Haka Dances
Do a Little Cock and Bone Yourself
The Underlying Ludicrousness of the Monoculture
Sauce for the Michigander
Talk About Getting Stoned
A Spiritual Piece of Jesus-Jitsu
The Decade of the Fashion Faux Pas
We'll Get to Eggcorn in a Second
They'll Clean Your Clock Eight Ways to Sunday

Recorded December 14, 2023.

Conceptually Stretch a Donut, Nagasaki was All Socked In, and You Can Only Get There on the Dinghy

Fri, 15 Dec 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

A Gummy Just Before Oppenheimer
All the Other Stodgy Preachers
Practicing Gluttony of Insistence
How Many Holes Does a Human Face Have?
Your Affectionate Uncle, Screwtape
I've Learned Enough About Topology
Either a Luddite or a Technophobe
Next Time it's Cloudy, Don't Bitch About It
Go Scrambling Through an AdWords Account
Last Week We Went Over Moles

Originally recorded December 7, 2023.

My Korean Burrito Taco French Fry Place, A Diaper Full of Cottage Cheese, and Discovering the Carcass of Jerry

Fri, 08 Dec 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Leave Baby Harp Seal Off the Menu
Tastes Like Poverty Food to Me
A Crippling Case of the Itis
Your Dad Hates Fried Chicken
The Hat Full of Old Conservative Pundits
She's Got Nasal Epilepsy
The Single Most Destructive Organism That Ever Lived
And Then it Stank Up My Car
Corral Frank and Make Him Behave
At Risk of Being Tear Gassed

Originally recorded November 30, 2023.

Rack the Shotgun in Church, Go Dangle Your Own Participles, and The Metaphorical Meaning Within Metal Music

Sat, 25 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Out of Sheer Impish Malevolence
AWP: Alcohol, Weed, and Panties
Put the Fish in the Basket, or Get the Hose
Sheep, Depression, and Patches of Peat Moss
An IQ of 160 and Completely Useless
Vali Always Leaves a Fan On
Poetry That Makes No Conscious Sense
Squeeze More Juice Out of the Lexical Orange
Deeply Confused and Mildly Upset
Hitchcock Directs Your Cooking Show

Originally recorded November 16, 2023.

Paleontologically Speaking, We're Not a Sausage State, and Kindergarten-Simple Zionism

Sun, 19 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Alabama Went Swimmingly
Watching Dolphins Sexually Assault Each Other
This Lady's Got Labes
Indiscriminately Killing CEOs and Mailmen
The Best I Can Do is "Kielbasa"
To Assassinate the President, Bomb the White House
I Was Eating Indian Food, and Confused
Homer Promoted to Independent Contractor
Cogent, and Completely Nuts
I'm Either Supercilious or Satirical

Originally recorded November 10, 2023.

A Bill O'Reilly Rage Machine, Not a Gathering of Porpoises, and Our Never-Ending Fever Dream

Wed, 15 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

In Paradise, Fed Honeyed Cakes
Saggy Sacks of Burlap on Top of a Skeleton
And I've Dreamt Some Doozies
Cory, Who Aimed a Shotgun at Your Father
Living at Her Majesty's Pleasure
Pretty Much Anytime I'm Masticating
The White Box With the Cock on It
But Frank, That's Sodomy!
I Don't Want Your Impetigo
The World Champions of Prison Torture

Originally recorded November 2, 2023.

Kill Off a Few Dickensian Children, Cinder Block Burpees, and One of the Best Thursdays of My Year

Fri, 03 Nov 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Jesus Returns, With Vietnam Flashbacks
Like a Constipated Weiner Dog
Ritually Destroy Specific Parts of Your Body
The Persians Can One-Up the Assyrians
My Two Adorable Podcast Buddies
Why People Hate Planet Fitness
I Dunno, Kill the Birds
Eat Their Bread of Affliction
Like the Viking I've Always Dreamed of Being
Pretty Heavy on the "Not Honorable" Part

Originally recorded October 26, 2023.

Get Raw Chicken Off My Hands, That Passed Through Your Urethra? and Republicans Hiding in San Francisco

Fri, 27 Oct 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Intergenerational Serial Armed Robbery
Learn to Pronounce "Iñárritu"
A Kidney Stone Photo Without Context
It's Like I Farted in the Car
Our Franchise-Soaked Cinema Landscape
The $120 Million Meta-Joke
A Bunch of Shit Started Happening in Jerusalem
This Cancer Collateral Circle Jerk
A Very Gregarious Gift-of-Gab Kind of Dude
Smear Your Own Blood on Your Scene Partner's Face

Originally recorded October 19, 2023.

Bryan Screws Up Don Quixote, A Weird Tumescent Outgrowth, and Throw Plato at the Wall

Fri, 20 Oct 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Sunk-Cost-Fallacy Our Way Through Love
Spec Your Stats Into Charisma
Qatar Gently Weeps
Yet Another of Your Adorably Odd Brothers
Or Just Leave the Stool Behind
Whether or Not You Scream at the Kids
B-Flat is Definitely Green
If You're a Goddamned Satanist
Those Knuckle-Draggers Down There
Bowling, But With Trampolines

Originally recorded October 13, 2023.

Start With Me Eating Bats, The Pooping Diminished Somewhat, and You're My Favorite Dominatrix

Fri, 29 Sep 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

A Bunch of Guidos With Gold Chains
Time in Heavily Irradiated Areas
As an Uncle-Nephew Bonding Experience
Piss on the Sacred Space
I Need a Mosquito Net
If Shit Hits the Fan, I Can Do Hard Labor
Some Egg Concoction
Dig Post Holes With a Smile on My Face
Flunkies, Goons, Duct Tapers, Box Tickers, Taskmasters
Go Out With a Tuscan Bang

Originally recorded September 21, 2023.

Time to Start a Bitch Hunt, Seventeen Pounds of Boogers, and Is Sbubby Dadaist?

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

A Pint in Your Favor
Your Head is Wild by Definition
Snails Encased in a Jar of Kool-Aid
We Ordered Kayfabe and Django
The Tiny Banana Republic of Gozvandina
Rumpelstiltskin, Metaphorized
None Pizza With Left Beef
I'm the Fan for the Bouncy Castle
Ya Gotta Be a Good Hang
Gobs of Meat and Umami Goodness

Originally recorded August 31, 2023.

A Beast of a Hell of a Hot Day, It Transcended Pizza, and Everything Despicable About New Jersey

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Dangly Bits of Archipelagos
We Liked a Talkin' Charlie
You're a Polyglot, Y'all
It Made My Eyes Bleed
Straight for the Jugular of Genetics
A Mouthful of Quarters and Ambien
"House of Cows" Dances Off the Tongue
Two Cinder Blocks With Boots in Them
Nothing as Good as Skinny Dipping
The Legendary Red Rooster

Originally recorded August 23, 2023.

Competition for the Sheepiest Sheep, Your Penchant for Haggis, and Get Away, Shrew!

Fri, 25 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Flat Earth for Fashionable People
Heavy Whipping Cream in My Granola
Problematicity
Sweet Love in a Pasture of Lemon Verbena
Almost Gelatinous
Krampus and the 12 Yule Lads
Licking the Third Rail
Hot and Sweaty for Breakfast
Cusping Virgos for the Rest of the Day
Mercury is in Gatorade

Originally recorded August 16, 2023.

A Buffway House, Wading in Plum Carcasses, and Boy, is God Horny

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

She Had Tiger Parents
The Dopamine Eyeball Drip
Sacred Vibrational Geometry
Fence Digging Sucks
The Inside of Someone's Catacombs
Buttery Shocks on That Church Van
A Star Poster Child of the Hitlerjugend
Is This Muchacha Finger-Lickin' Good?
The Archetypal Queen of the Plastics
I'd Really Like to Go to Slovenia

Originally recorded August 11, 2023.

Her Rutabaga Spitballs, A Neighbor to Mayonnaise, and Pounded Pounded Pounded

Fri, 11 Aug 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Against the Steroid Jackals
Jesus Likes His Souls Naked
Gunnarsdóttir and Fish Jerky
An Ethical Dilemma Foisted Upon Me
Picking Lint Out of Your Navel
Like Ireland, But it Hates You
Hack Up Pieces of Lung
A Humorous Bee in My Bonnet
The Semi-Intentional Hiatus
Evacuate Your Bowels Midair

Originally recorded August 3, 2023.

Horses Outfitted in Gas Masks, It Was Just a Giant Turd, and Look Out for Venezuelan Grinders

Fri, 14 Jul 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

RuneScape While You Sleep
Bryan, the Sparkle Straight?
I'll Give You Roller Derby and Raise You One Softball
We Call Her "Fucking Ashley"
Despite the Auschwitzness of It
A Little Trickle of Gay Friends
If it Happens to Collide With Your Skull
Cavorting Onscreen, and the Occasional Booby
In a Puddle of Your Own Urine
That Was Unusually Far Afield

Originally recorded July 5, 2023.

Pinkman in Space, It Itches the Voyeuristic Curiosity, and Locked and Loaded With Bahasa Melayu

Fri, 07 Jul 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Commune With Me, Bitch
Phil Was Stabbed to Death in Encino
The Opposite of Roy G. Biv
This TV Trick Worked for 70 Years
Before the Simpsons Jumped the Shark
Sir Ian, Over Injera
I'm Not Exactly a Rappist
The Somehow-Still-Alive Justice Alito
Call Our Congresspeople "Lead Babies"
I Wasn't Given the Proper Color Wheel

Originally recorded June 29, 2023.

Grandma Fumbled the Recovery, You Have a Brothel Story, and Six Flags Over Urethra

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Speaking of Medical Discomforts
We're Chit-Chatting, We're Pit-Pattering
I Told Her You Had Bleeding Hemorrhoids
The Great Bestial Gorilla Creature
You're Listening to Culture Shock
When Did Neolithic Man Encounter Nine Gs?
Boys Relieving Their Pelvic Sneeze
We Stapled A.I. to It
Diuretic From All Orifices
Botanists: If You're Listening, Stop

Originally recorded June 22, 2023.

Flip Flops in Xishuangbanna, Can I Get a Fourth-Order Effect? and F*** You, Chess People

Fri, 23 Jun 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Streets Covered in Beautiful Graffiti
This Was Once a Complete Shithole
Music's Equivalent of Flat-Earthers
Stabbed Through the Wrist With a Red Hot Needle
Don't Plug Charities Here, Cuyler
Is it a Triple Entendre or Just a Threesome?
Sugar, We're Goin' Down
I Feel Like I'm Mansplaining Guitars
Softly, and With a Big Euphemism
Mariah Crashes Your Hard Drive

Originally recorded June 16, 2023.

It Buzzed Like My Lady's G-String, While You're in Ruurlo, and Barley Beef Jerky, Baby

Fri, 16 Jun 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

My Pastrami and Goose-Teeth Sandwich
Don't Overdo the Satan Thing
Dutch People and Those Double Vowels
It's Five O'Clock Here, Bitch
Anything Ending in -Osis
A Very Bedraggled Britney Spears
Was Your Dad Viet Cong?
I Need Cocaine Like a Jellyfish Needs Sand
Mushroom Chocolates for Sale
It Goes Airborne and Blows Out Your Face

Originally recorded June 9, 2023.

Jane Austen's Kabuki Theatre, Paraguay is Bullshit, and A Couple Tubers Short of a Jazz Band

Fri, 26 May 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

I Like Your Peacock
Wanna Check Out the Mole on My Back?
The Con Man Says to Play Chess
Orgasm During Childbirth
My Anus is Distended Lately
A Monocled British Thumbs-Up Emoji
The Moon Was Just a Sliver Back Then
I'll Do Dragon's Milk
Name Your Cat "Mr. Darcy"
Here's a Cup of Shit I Made for You

Originally recorded May 18, 2023.

They Didn't Have Whappies, Do You Want to Go Kiki? and False Positives Up the Wazoo

Fri, 19 May 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

An Aggrieved Man Goes on a Killing Spree
Have You Been Incontinent of Late?
The One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest
Bend Over, Junior!
Testing for Fingerprints in Zimbabwe
Enjoy the Collision of Trains and Cows
Wall-to-Wall Funko Pops
I Put on My Prosthetic for This?
His Share of Ear-Muffing Over the Years
Send Me the Vomit Emoji

Originally recorded May 11, 2023.

Liquidy Giardia Sharts, The Goon in Overalls, and I Wouldn't Object to Balkan Food

Fri, 28 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

How Cats Experience Umami
Megalomaniacal and Underslept
James, My Minion Sock Puppet
If You Think Velveeta is Exotic
Bicycle Home on LSD
Grandpa, Don't Yuck My Yum
7th Graders Turn Into Shit Monsters
Like a Mouthful of Sheet Metal
Lampshades of Human Skin
Copulate With Noodles and Fish

Originally recorded April 20, 2023.

Japanificated, Throw Yourself at the Ground and Miss, and A Notoriously Stinky Lunch

Fri, 21 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

I am a Diagnosably Sweaty Person
The Horror of Universal Paperclips
A Neo-Nazi Terror Bird
Vaguely Skeleton-Level Aware
Run Down by a Poorly Managed Dog
That Weird-Looking Pile of Foreskin
Peppering With All This Patois
The Greatest Display of Qipao-ing Ever
They Shoved Food Directly Down My Throat
Weird Balls of Butter Cheese

Originally recorded April 13, 2023.

Irish Sunset-Colored Pee, Water Torture is Transcultural, and An Ironic Story About Cucumbers

Fri, 14 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

We're Rollin' for Infection!
Am I Grammatically Ambiguous?
Scolded by ChatGPT
Billie Jean, in the Words of Chaucer
Thrust a Metal Chopstick Into His Eye
Yoda, With a Football Jersey
One Language Short of Polyglottal Greatness
You're Dutch, So I Bet You're Blunt
Hitler Took Care of the Hitler Problem
The Jackhammer or the Baseball Bat?

Originally recorded April 6, 2023.

When You Have a Sea Shanty, I Went to Wichita! and Bullshit Chicanery in the Admissions Office

Fri, 07 Apr 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

They Were Paid in Grog
When Good Observant Jews Get Sloshed
This is How He Likes it Tickled
They Only Killed the Breadwinners
Haman the Prick, Impaled on a 70-Foot Stake
Shoot Them Out Back
Eunuchs Feature Rather Prominently
Some of Them Don't Even Have Legs
How Many Geniuses Died in a Rice Field?
If You Need a Ball Hog, It's Going to be Cam

Originally recorded March 30, 2023.

Intergalactic Tweezers, Massive Welsh Inequality, and Great Donkey Teeth, Mr. Washingbeard

Fri, 31 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Mr. Peanut and the Happy Dictionary
If You Had a Really Long Hosepipe
The Year the Left Completely Lost Its Mind
Rotting Bits of Your Upper Head
Two Wizened Husks, Debating
A Luxury Head Lice Comb
Chirimu Pabaang Mows His Halakhmu Grass
What Gives You Pockmarks?
Those Barbarian Hittites
Fight Over the Ranch Dressing at Dinner

Originally recorded March 23, 2023.

Nancy Crushes Pareto, An Angsty 17-Year-Old Ukrainian Adoptee, and I Would Tampa That Aspen

Fri, 24 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Classical Economists Get Pissed Off
A Weed With a Marketing Budget
I'm in Favor of Ornamental Testicles
Like Guinness's Chocolatier Cousin
He is Disgustingly Gorgeous
The Great Ron Pieratt Cranium
Her Name Emblazoned on All the Gutters
Solar Pandemonium Has Descended Upon Us
Your Forearms, Ripped Off By the Auger
The Trespasses I'll Be Committing Tomorrow

Originally recorded March 17, 2023.

Challenge Day 21: It's All Visceral

Fri, 10 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 21 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded March 7, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 20: When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Go to Bed

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 20 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded March 6, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 19: Green Tea and Nasty Film Critics

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 19 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded March 3, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 18: Confidence Builder or Reality Check?

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 18 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded March 2, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 17: Be the Avuncular Nanny

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 17 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded March 1, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 16: Marty McFly and the Counterfactual

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 16 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded March 1, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 15: The Day Before the Happiest Day of My Life

Tue, 28 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 15 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 27, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 14: Could You Just Learn to Listen?

Mon, 27 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 14 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 24, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 13: Fine. I'll Do the Deep Dive Myself.

Sat, 25 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 13 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 24, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 12: Can We Leave Hell Out of This?

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 12 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 22, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 11: Not Gonna Throw Jack Under the Bus

Wed, 22 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 11 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 21, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 10: There's a Lady in My Kitchen, Crying

Tue, 21 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 10 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 20, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 9: Wait, History Doesn't Suck!

Mon, 20 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 9 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 17, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 8: No, This Needs a Deep Dive

Fri, 17 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 8 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 16, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 7: Is This ... Supernatural?

Thu, 16 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 7 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 15, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 6: I Get By With a Little Help

Wed, 15 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 6 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 14, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 5: Do Not Hire This Person!

Tue, 14 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 5 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 13, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 4: Three Interesting Characters

Mon, 13 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 4 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 10, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 3: How a Camera Ended My Torture

Sat, 11 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 3 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 9, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Challenge Day 2: What the Hell is an Antifragile Vacation?

Fri, 10 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 2 of our annual 21-day writing challenge.

Originally recorded February 8, 2023.

See Bryan's travel photos at bryantodd.net/flickr

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting the challenge: meganmacedo.com

Writing Challenge Day 1: Pulling Weeds With the Potato Chip Lady

Thu, 09 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 1 of our annual 21-day challenge.

Originally recorded February 7, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting this challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

Writing Challenge Day 0: I'm a Feeler-Perceiver, Dammit

Wed, 08 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Day 0 of our annual 21-day challenge.

Originally recorded February 6, 2023.

Our friend Megan Macedo is hosting this challenge:
https://meganmacedo.com/

The Temple of Clobbering Yourself, We Lost the Turing Test, and Where's the Reagan-Era Polyamory?

Tue, 07 Feb 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Keep the Newfie Away From the Kids
I'm Surprised Aaron Rodgers Can Read
A Trump Haiku
My Ignorance is Fathomless and Completely Unnoticeable
Is That Trope Unethical?
The Streets are Full of Assholes
A Saint Bernard, but Fluffier
INFP, ISFP, Potato, Potahto
Minus the Crippling Dementia
It was 1908; They Had Kids to Spare

Originally recorded February 2, 2023.

Þorrablót in Chicago, Lump Us in With the Pentecostals, and Fondled or Lacking in Wisconsin

Fri, 27 Jan 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Those Crazy Arm-Waving Nut Jobs
Mike Rowe is Full of Shit
Rolling Around Like a Dredel
Kind of Slightly Meta-Self-Referential-Ish
A Little Bit of Fermented Shark
Shot Through With Hydrogenated Bullshit
A Particularly Ticklish Bunch
I Believe in You, Honey
Caked in Salt and Sometimes Urine
And You're Making Me Giggle

Originally recorded January 19, 2023.

Bring the Fish Axe Down Hard, I Could Clearly Locomote, and Hey, Your Fu is Upside Down!

Fri, 20 Jan 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

You've Foresworn Weed
Singing is Just Screaming on Pitch
Food With a Head On It
Keep Your Microtonal Shit Out of This
Lucas's Third Chalkboard Droid
Formerly Known as Greensleeves
Zander T-Boned Me
Chubby Babies Atop Golden Fish
Did You Follow Any of the Kerfuffle?
The Beef I Have with Plato

Originally recorded January 12, 2022.

Interesting links:
Fu Dao Le
Nian Nian You Yu

Briefly Bearded Blue-Moon Bryan, I Miss Child Labor, and Tinkerbell Your Way Into Anything

Fri, 13 Jan 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

The Bland Dad and the Weird Servant Woman
Is it a Fixture, or is it Fixable?
If You're Asian and a Foodie, I Like You
The Wealthy Potato Chip People
Festering Sexual Tension With the Butcher
Fix This Existential Terror Problem
A Tier System for Haircuts
Grab His Meat and Leave the Cleaver
The Place Where You're Not a Screaming Liability
A Terrible Movie About a Terrible Fish in a Terrible World Full of Terrible Jokes

Originally recorded January 5, 2023.

From Panda Sex to Social Intercourse, Get Your Leopard G-String On, and Who Films a Christmas Movie in Bulgaria?

Fri, 06 Jan 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

One Small Step Closer to the Urinal
The Mongols are Like, Hold My Beer
Hamstring People as You Drive By Them
The Shaft She Deserved
Why do All the Men Look Like Troglodytes?
A Rottweiler With its Mouth Taped Shut
Industrious, ADHD, Autistic, and Dutch
The Yurt People Took Over
Every Dumb Caricatured Trope
Come Circumlocute With Us

Originally recorded December 30, 2022.

This One Features Mussolini, I Don't Want Scaly Penises, and The Banana Bread of Fast Food Hacks

Mon, 02 Jan 2023 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Attaboy, Furnace!
I Stood Up a Mormon This Morning
What's This Minister's Cat Bullshit?
The Ladies Agreed to Lick Radium
Noxious and Yet Infectious
My Doorbell is a Red Herring
This Close to That Many Yoopers
Vomit Up Your Botulism on the Plane Ride Home
Sapiosexuals Like Me
A Gong at the Center of Your Spine

Originally recorded December 22, 2022.

Somewhere West of Bucksnort, Romper Stomper Bomper Boo, and You've Got Stage-Four Capitalism

Sat, 17 Dec 2022 11:00:00 -0600

Also:

Mumble it Under His Breasts
The Countdown to the Start of the Death March
It Feels Tchaikovskyoid
I Love People Named Dewey
Too Much Dangle in Your Participle
And Lo! She Was Cleft in Twain
Hope the FCC Wasn't Watching
A Sociopath Lover of Sunshine
The Word was "Flatus"
You're Covered in Sphincters

Originally recorded December 16, 2022.

Your Nickname is Meat Shield, Body-Checking a Tibetan Monk, and Rabbi Ben Just Escaped a Rave

Fri, 16 Dec 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

On the Privilege Tirade Bus
Sounds Like a Rice Cooker, Thank You Very Much
Racist, or Historically Savvy?
My Cynicism and I Spoon in the Mornings
A Pizza and Whiskey Bender
Animals or Body Parts in Your Taco Bell Burrito
Uncle Bryan, Shitfaced
When I Look Up, Water Comes Down
A Gravitational Sinkhole for America's Riffraff
You're a Complete Lunatic

Originally recorded December 8, 2022.

Whiskey Dick's Doo-Dah Diner, It's the Phone Cops! and Standing There Slathered in Tar

Fri, 09 Dec 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

I Love a Good Car-Crash Segue
Collective Psychosis and Revolutionary Fuckery
People Throw Vegetables and Feces
The Satanic Temptation They Warn You About
Mid-Schnauzing Some Bit of BBQ
The Smash-Cuttiest of Vloggers
Step Around the Pools of Vomit
A Dickensian Dystopia
Typhoid is Just the Start of It
The Wail of Remorse From Whoville

Originally recorded December 1, 2022.

Clubbing Baby Harp Seals, Five Feet and One Cunkt, and The Strange Caramel Center of Regret

Fri, 02 Dec 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

The Bloodiest Boxing Day Yet
No Complexity Outside the Molasses
Were There Kippers and a Sock?
Proto-Porridge for Breakfast
Myrtle is Unhappy With Her Zinnias
A Few of My Favorite Things About Bogs
Fatal Beatings, for 3rd Place
Umami is Not Onomatopoeia
Demultiplexer, Isogeneic, Stereology, Vasotocin
Floridians After 2,000 Years of Isolation

Originally recorded November 23, 2022.

From Ponderings to Punditry, Don't Kick a Woman in Her Grave, and I am a Card-Carrying Cumberbitch

Fri, 25 Nov 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Weeping, Screaming, or Freaking the Hell Out
Hitherto Unexplored Body Parts of Bizarre Animals
Please, Botch Away
He Played the Club-Feet Card
A Cadre of Apocalyptically Motivated Individuals
Hyperventilate in a Crowded Room
Did You Ever Find Your Syllogism?
All the Emblems of the Bourgeoisie
Autism Causes Vaccines
Pepper Potts, the Elephant in the Room

Originally recorded November 17, 2022.

Toilet-Inspired Popcorn, Beat a Man With Two Left Feet, and The Screaming Fetus on Your Shoulder

Fri, 18 Nov 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Those Who Practice Scandinavery
Who's Beheading Who Here?
I Bit the Bullet and Bought a Flapper
All About the Testicle Stomping
Your Capitol is Tumescent
Sandpaper on the Inside of My Eyelids
You Can Literally Kick the Governor
An Apologist for Horns
It Was So Good I Had it Banned
Did King Kong Ever do Japan?

Originally recorded November 9, 2022.

Bach on a Vuvuzela, A Somewhat Haphazard Sandwich, and Jiggle the Thing, Your Majesty

Fri, 04 Nov 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Inundated With the Woo-Woo
He's Knifed 12 People
The Human Finger in Your Taco
Daddy Had Bottom Surgery Twice
A Good Old Southern-Fried Baby
15 Piercings Spread Across His Face
Repress Your Desire for a Tangent
A First-Rate Theological Egghead
Regurgitating More Comedians
I See You Squinting There

Originally recorded October 27, 2022.

Nine-Toe Navidson, Got Me Some Hostages, and 14 Bible Verses About Choking

Fri, 28 Oct 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

A Horrifying Message of Love
I Was Clutching My Face
Is Doctor Who Ever Lovable?
Two in the Pink
Free Poison-Dipped Knife!
Despite Her Asshat of a Husband
No Comma Raises My Hackles
A Dysfunctional, Irascible, Utterly Loathsome Protagonist
Folks Be Smoochin' Out Here
The Night of the Vomit Volcano

Originally recorded October 20, 2022.

Diapers in Your Mother's Car, I Love a Good Pair of Arepas, and Beautiful Bumbling Baptism

Fri, 21 Oct 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Belay Down the Side of a High-Rise
Admirations to Soften the Blow
The Foulest Stench is in the Air
Festivus-Pole Your Father
A for Effort, but No
The Safehouse People Burn the Church Down
A Spoilerific Next Episode
He Got a Pass on the Blackface
Simon, Saylor, Sunny, and Sage
I Gripe in Relative Anonymity

Originally recorded October 13, 2022.

Funhouse Mirrors in My Elevator, Debt Dodger Doug, and Happy Spooky, Everybody!

Fri, 07 Oct 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

A Guarantee on a Tramp Stamp
How You Feel About Skittles Work
Me Make Banana Cry?
The Stapler, Our Featured Hamburger
She Jars a Man's Peripheral Vision
I Broke Into Prison Eight Times
Bromancing With a Quadriplegic Billionaire
Cats, the Dog Shit Show
Skinny Dipping With Marilyn
Critically Dehydrated for Les Mis

Originally recorded October 3, 2022.

Butterscotch Frost, The Minister's Knife-Wielding Cat, and Axelrod is My Porn Name

Fri, 30 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also: My Mind Has Conjured Terror Birds Rummaging Through the Rutabaga Salad I Thought Wolves Brought You Up The Shakespearean Travesties He's Going to Get Egged How Many Cobs of Corn is That? The Place Smells Like Neglect Perry's World-Class Bedhead So That Ted Turner Could Graze Bison I Wiped the Floor With My Peers

Originally recorded September 23, 2022.

Gerbils in Heaven, Did This Trigger Violent Retching? and Bunny is in the Meat Loaf

Fri, 16 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Australians Mourn Their Queen
Stop Pushing Shopping Carts!
Interrogation at the Hand of the Mormons
The Cow She Sat With
Jerry Does Not Have Bed Bugs
Innovation, Even in its Strangest Forms
This Purple Thing With a Banana Seat
Having Eaten One of Her Childhood Friends
The Sheltie That Died at My Birthday Party
Epistemology, Like a Brazilian Wax

Originally recorded September 8, 2022.

The Branken Blacket Test, Bowls of Boiled Peat Moss, and Don't Google "Jewish Hentai"

Fri, 09 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Play Your Harp to a Cow
On the Razor's Edge of Poe's Law
All Birds are Fake
Me, Having Been Rummaging
Kiss the Ass of the Dumb Consumer
I Box, as Not Biting the Ear
Bludgeon, Blind, or Cripple Someone
Emus Won the War
The Smartest Bears and the Dumbest Tourists
Don't Rocks Vibrate?

Originally recorded September 1, 2022.

Operation Naked Savage, An Episode-Disrupting Belch, and My Sippy Cup is Robust

Fri, 02 Sep 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

At Least as Old as Yeast
Zero Tolerance at Yellowstone
Various Flatulences and Effluvia
I Like Fat Tails and I Cannot Lie
Satan Casts Up Baubles
The Pleasures of Sexual Congress
Sharks are Older Than Trees
Whose Cravings are Warped and Perverted
When Death Comes to the Dinner Party
She Popped Out Her 17th Child

Originally recorded August 24, 2022.

More Banana Than Human, Have You Tried Lipschitz? and Energy Shooting Out of My Eyeballs

Fri, 26 Aug 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

It's Like Drinking a Mummy
Sixteen Nerf Balls in Your System
Raw Blow, Live
Enough Uranium to Set Yourself Off
Unhinged Psychopath or Low-Functioning Sociopath?
Name Your Daughter "Meconium"
The Region of the Brain Moses Represents
The Sun is Setting on Orlando Bloom
Teach These Stupid Shits What Happiness Is
Life is Pain, Your Highness

Originally recorded August 17, 2022.

Kowtow to Moneybags McGee, Cultured Aromas of Nazi Pigeons, and Where Are You, Stickney?

Fri, 19 Aug 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

On Your Kneecaps, on a Concrete Floor
Shooting Kids in a Forest
I Consider Them Sky Rats
Incinerating People on a Daily Basis
As Sorrow Rises So Must Joy
Next to the Meat-Rendering Plant
James is Like, "You Jerks!"
Wrap a Pigeon in a Burlap Sack
Anthony Really Wears on You
Get Used to the Carnage and Hell

Originally recorded August 11, 2022.

Like Watching Live Kidney Surgery, We Intersect Violently, and Don't Stab the Nice Man

Fri, 12 Aug 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Pent-Up Rage and Miasmic Depression
The One Great Mutiny
Stab Me in the Chest Like a Bostonian
People Whose Brains I Could Kick Around
But Won't I Look Ridiculous?
The Grunting, Slobbering Caveman
Integrate Tasty Vegetables
Violent and Pedantic, as God Intended
Stop Wearing Cargo Pants
A Hop, a Skip, and a Long Fucking Way

Originally recorded August 4, 2022.

Two Nasty Mushroom Trips, Should I Call Coco? and My Name is on Your Hospital

Fri, 29 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

The Curtain is Undulating
Brownie Points With the Attendant
Mister Fucking Meticulous
The Gestapo Kicking Down Your Door
I Peed Twice, Like a Racehorse
The Most Disgusting Slurry Imaginable
No Images of Guy Fieri
Loud and Piercing, Unpleasant and Scary
A Mustard Color in a Dirty Bathroom
The Hazards of Dancing on the Airplane Wing

Originally recorded July 21, 2022.

Corn on the Macabre, Mr. Sandman's Being a Bitch, and Not-So-Consensual Giraffe Sex

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Lots of Wavy Hair Like Liberace
Sleep, You Terrible Friend
The Other White Meat
An Ice Pick to the Back of Your Eyeballs
Off the Wagon, Onto the Heroine Choo Choo Train
Leave Topology Alone
My 25-Day Kombucha Cleanse
Human Skulls, Beautifully Arranged
That Sacred Maidenhead
Every Moral Perversion Imaginable

Originally recorded July 14, 2022.

Orange Pips, Bankruptcy Levels of Blessedness, and Don't Bother Wearing Pants

Fri, 15 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

A Crumpled Mess of Smoking Metal
Shoes Up! Don't Shoe!
Celiacs Roving Among Us, Unlabeled
The Misunderstood No-No Bounds
Chicken Parma Tastes So Good
And a Gun Under His Pillow
I Think the Stoics are Shit
The Shortest Dickens I Could Find
Pour Myself Some Almond Milk
To Make Liza Minnelli Giggle

Originally recorded July 7, 2022.

Speaking of Cutthroat, The Nacho Ride to Eagle, and How Big are Thumbscrews?

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

The Torture Museum by the Chick-Fil-A
Whitesnake on Repeat
1,000 Baby Dolls in Dead Sea Salt
That Goddamn House of Mourning
Maybe Your Neck is Too Thick
It Came Down to Four Drunks
Dr. I. Doctor, Eye Doctor
We Try Asbestos We Can
Sesquipedalian is Homological
Data Entry and Way Too Much Vodka

Originally recorded July 1, 2022.

Dog Parks are Petri Dishes, The Carcasses That We Eat, and When a Man Sits on My Face

Fri, 01 Jul 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Balls Deep Into the Sexual Politics of Meat
A Toaster Oven on Wheels
Including, but not Limited to, Chopsticks
Want Me to Spit Butter in Your Ass?
Hyenas Don't Have Lips
Squink, Squink, Squink
Fill a Turkey Baster With Buttermilk
Bone-Sucking Homo Erectus
His Eyelashes on My Butt Cheeks
Non-Digestible Forms of Sushi

Originally recorded June 23, 2022.

Bone Tweezers for the Ticks, Peeing on the Third Rail, and Buford's Got the Apple Palsy

Fri, 10 Jun 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

When Marsupials Reigned Supreme
A Fist-Sized Hole Blown Through the Chest
Whose Pecker Was Put at Risk?
I've Been Sneezing Out Mud
A Long and Storied Tradition of Cannibalism
Your Occasional Mega-Sloth
Angry, Raging Botanists
Waggle Waggle, No No
Half-Naked Apaches Screaming Out of the Brush
The Urethral Diameter of a Horse

Originally recorded June 2, 2022.

A Selfie With the Corpse, That's Probably Assault, and Your Cemetery is Now a Costco

Fri, 03 Jun 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

I Celebrate Ron Pieratt, Who Met Jesus Once
A Perfect Storm of YouTube Idiocy
Brandon's Spider Phase
This Iconic Gen X Movie is Excrement
A Killing in the Undertaking Business
Ghastly Beheading Videos
Pure Adulterated 100% Misanthrope
All My Years Doing Autopsies
We Need Him Back Home Making Potatoes
Our Giant Keebler Elf Head Cookie Jar

Originally recorded May 30, 2022.

Literally Tear Off Your Face, Dalí's Magic Checkbook, and We're Ugly but Hardworking

Fri, 27 May 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Strange Deep Dives into Various Esoterica
Don't Mind Kiko, our Gorilla
Strange Internet Detritus
I'd Rather Eat Randy
A Cheese Grater to the Skin of My Leg
When Your Phone Rings, Flush the Toilet
Grab Onto an Eyelid
In the Foggy Nondescript Horizon of the Afterglow of My Memory
Your Future Child's Tiger Mom
Football is Dumb

Originally recorded May 17, 2022.

What I Don't Like About Topologists, Impossibly Fluid Play-Doh, and Sid the Torture Kid

Fri, 20 May 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Pissed at the Local Lawn Service
We Went All Marxist on Chuck's Ass
A Giant Gaping Shotgun-Wound Patch of Dead Brown
What the Birds Do During Your Crucifixion
I Bravely Exercised my 3rd Amendment Rights
How Fast are the Windshield Wipers on Your Tractor?
Greedy Stupid Evil Racists
This Was the Hell That Was 2020
Masters of Human Torture and Impaling
I Know About His Magic Ocelot

Originally recorded May 12, 2022.

Time to Order Your War Bride, A Bit of a Lexical Albatross, and Screw You, Chuck!

Fri, 13 May 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Pirouettes on Top of the Fetus
Is the Enola Gay Homophobic?
Underground Shit-Covered Slums
Use "Plinth" in Conversation
Various People Eating Rocks
Discolored, Grainy, and Ugly to the Eye
Wish Him Out Into the Cornfield
Puréed Fish in Your Pocket
A Fair Amount of Strippering Going On
Plausibly Fictional Mole People

Originally recorded May 9, 2022.

A Skin Flute in Mexico, Publicly Purée a Goldfish? and Daddy is in Superposition Right Now

Fri, 06 May 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

I Was Conceived on Knox Street
Back-of-the-Napkin Indictments of Capitalism
Cat Saliva Makes it All Better
Soup to Nuts, Farm to Nug
I am, Legendarily, the Stomach
Those Horse Tranquilizers He's Been Taking
National Lima Bean Respect Day
Shafted by Woodworker Willy
Pot Brothers at Law
Your Parents Did Not Copulate That Often

Originally recorded May 1, 2022.

Roy Spoils Yet Another Movie, PJ Doesn't Believe in Shakras, and An Accident at the Gasoline Pump

Fri, 22 Apr 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Waffles Fries or a Loaded Baked Potato
Imprison All Your Comedians
A Portrait of Horrifying Dysfunction
She's 86 and She's My Psychotherapist
Guaranteed Steaming and Trouser Jazz
Take a Shit in Someone's Shoe
That's Basically a Razor
Does it Second-Order Affect Me?
Assert Yourself Like a Motherfucker
When Women Started Making Banana Bread

Originally recorded April 14, 2022.

Novel Experiences With Weed and Chicken, Is it Dweezil? and Name Your Child Yip

Fri, 15 Apr 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Jones' Good-Ass BBQ and Foot Massage
A Smorgasbord of Hummable Melodies
It Became a Drinking Anthem
Frenetic Jazz in 17/9 Time
You Were a Druggie Whore
Old, Old Pieces of Internet Detritus
Having Burgled a Music Store
I Keep Things From Hitting Floors
The Right Burnt Orange is Very Pleasing
Snooty Latte-Sipping Sophisticates

Originally recorded April 7, 2022.

How to Pistol-Whip a Pineapple, Andrea's Iron Rice Bowl, and I Was a Proper Cinephile

Fri, 01 Apr 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Western Metal and Mongolian Throat Singing
A Light On and a Gun Under His Pillow
I've Never Sold a Bobsled Run
Any Trait More Detestable Than Cowardice
Here for an Intellectual Tickle
The Approximate Thickness and Viscosity of a Human Skull
No Tuggy From Shania
Step Yourself Into a Place of Alienation
A Genius Dead in a Rice Field
F-Bombs? Use 'Em. Stories About Hookers? Tell 'Em.

Originally recorded March 24, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 21

Tue, 29 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

The last bloody, violent installment in a 4-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 22, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 20

Mon, 28 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Another installment in a delicious 4-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 21, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 19

Fri, 25 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

A gripping installment in a (now) 4-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 18, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 18

Mon, 21 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

A riveting installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 14, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 17

Fri, 18 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Another chilling entry in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 11, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 16

Thu, 17 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Another weird episode in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 10, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 15

Wed, 16 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 9, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 14

Tue, 15 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Another dizzying installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 8, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 13

Mon, 14 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0500

Another baffling installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 7, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 12

Wed, 09 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another whimsical installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 2, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 11

Tue, 08 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another odd installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded March 1, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 10

Mon, 07 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 28, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 9

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Yet another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 25, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 8

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 24, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 7

Wed, 02 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 23, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 6

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 22, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 5

Mon, 28 Feb 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 21, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 4

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 18, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 3

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 17, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 2

Wed, 23 Feb 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 16, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 1

Tue, 22 Feb 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Another installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 15, 2022.

The Challenge: Day 0

Mon, 21 Feb 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Today is the first installment in a 3-week series of daily Todd-Marshall rants.

Originally recorded February 14, 2022.

Catfish-Ridden Slime, I Got Grilled in Mexico, and From Which Orifice?

Fri, 18 Feb 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Norovirus From the Nonstop Buffet
I Wouldn't Nail My Mom to That
An Open and Slightly Used Vomit Bag
I'll Pour Molten Lead Down His Throat
Chumpa Don't Want None, Chumpa Don't Get None
Think to Talk or Talk to Think?
One of the Worst Wiping Experiences of My Life
Subversion is a No-No Word
We're at the Center of the Goddamn Universe
Have Children Bite Off Your Fingertips

Originally recorded February 11, 2022.

Bite the Wax Tadpole, Selfish Skinflint Freeloaders, and Is Amputation a Leading Indicator?

Fri, 28 Jan 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Here's the Church, Here's the Sheeple
Insects are Known to Get High
I Didn't Get Intubated
Pretty Sure Mitochondria are Conscious
Screaming Into Their Steering Wheel
When Jeff Goldblum Does Shrooms
A Gigantic Apple Fritter and a Cadbury Creme Egg
Cells Dream Too
Worthy of Your Mouth, Worthy of Happiness
How Do You Play Balderdash?
A Pair of Yokels

Originally recorded January 20, 2022.

McClane's Bloody Feet, Is Dynamite a Plastic Explosive? and The Umwelt of a Housefly

Fri, 14 Jan 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Azerbaijani Dictators and Cream Pudding
Our Non-Subcribers are Reprehensible
Drugs are Optional and Superfluous
Who Gives a Shit About Glass?
Tarantino's Foot Fetish
Samuel L Jackson Shoots Someone With Something
Mister Names-and-Dates-and-Moon-Phases Guy
Microtonal Lo-Fi Hiphop
It's Crude, It's Violent, There's Hookers
Greek, With a Belfast Accent

Originally recorded January 6, 2022.

Let Me Feed the Skinks, What a Farshtunkener! and The Biggest Moon We Know Of

Fri, 07 Jan 2022 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

A Personal Day With the Lizards
My Marxist-Feminist Dialectic
Freezers Full of Dead Mice
He's Dead, for a Year
Throw Yourself at the Ground and Miss
Obliterated by a Semi
Can You Describe Your Camel?
Mining Asteroids to Make More Paperclips
Art So Good You Can't Bear to Look at It
I Still Think About the Total Perspective Vortex

Originally recorded December 30, 2021.

We Give Salmon a Voice, Justify Your Sudden Yowling, and Middleditch Goes Meta

Fri, 17 Dec 2021 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Sick of You By Day Two
Your Paradox is a Cousin of My Paradox
Machines That Fall Out of the Sky
It's Like a Flemish Lijiang
Brady is Unflappable
Explaining Zipf
Moonface Martin Steals the Show
Drop the Time Guillotine
Everyone's Got a Heath Ledger Hot Take
Ballooning With Rookies Like Me

Originally recorded December 9, 2021.

It's Like an Elephant-Pig, You Do a Great Gilbert Gottfried, and Why Saudi Women Didn't Drive

Fri, 26 Nov 2021 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

My Ass Goes Up and My Head Goes Down
Zinck or Cink?
It is Bone, It is Water, It is Brain
That Weird Miasma
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Sweater
Larry Planted Landmines
A Junior Snuffleupagus
Are There Jaguars in Arabia?
Just Like the Kitchen Sink
The Bumbling Fellow at Ellis Island

Originally recorded November 18, 2021.

Turkeys Suck, Getting the Shits in Shigu, and I Hunger for Your Touch

Fri, 19 Nov 2021 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

Children Burning Up at Christmas
Caruncle, Protuberance, Plinth, Exoteric, Coagulate
Robin, the Darling of the Democrats
Psilocybes, Man!
Toss the Chicken Onto the Luggage Rack
All Our Curses are Germanic
Bollywood-Level Corny
The Righteous Brothers, in Naxi
Pulverizing a Different Robot
A Green Giggly Homeschooler

Originally Recorded November 11, 2021

Dirty Milk Daniel, You Don't Have a Cheese Plug? and Venomous Cobras All Over Delhi

Fri, 12 Nov 2021 07:00:00 -0600

Also:

It's Better to Eat a Human Soul
A Spice, a Sprinkle, an Element, a Splash
Spew Out Heat From Every Wall and Orifice
The Gluttony of Preference
Lactose Intolerant in Anatevka
Brush Your Tongue Until It's Pink
Terrible, Terrible Bicycles
You Bastards are Learning the Wrong Lesson
Smelling of the Transcendent
Give a McMansion to the Homeless

Originally recorded November 3, 2021.

Kissing Your Mermaid, the Digital Jesus Belt Buckle, and 25 Years a Longshoreman

Fri, 29 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

A Trifle of Truffles
Preparation Rituals for the Blessedness
Perpetually Balanced on the Edge of Poe's Law
Bigfoot Hunting on Day One
Hi, I'm Mycological Matt!
McGregor, the Cazique of Poyais
I Auditioned for a Rectal Probe
Wow, You Look Misunderstood
Fisting the Memory Hole
The Standard Costume of Your Archetype

Originally recorded October 21, 2021.

That Guy is on Quaaludes, Run Yourself Off Into a Bog, and Those are the Poison Arrows!

Fri, 22 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Strangely Feeble, and yet Dangerous
The Guy That Catfishes Pedophiles
Mushroom, Composer, or Obscure Disease?
Sad Little Creature-Like People
Alcohol Irritates my Bladder
When Far Side Jumped the Shark
No, You'll Love This Porn
The Gashlycrumb Tinies
And I've Met Some Bombasts
Weird, Beautiful, and Jellyfish

Originally recorded October 15, 2021.

Gratuitous Volleyball Insertion, Have You Seen Caden's Hair? and Go Easy on the Nooky

Fri, 15 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

I am Blessed With Blessedness
Making All the Girls Whinny With Delight
Don't Microaggress Me, Motherfucker
They Were All Pretty Smelly
I'm Not Deteriorating; I Have Mushrooms
One of Them Turned Out to be a Nudist
Like Drippings Off a Wet Dog
Not Very Fond of Parcel Bombs
He Had Legendary Bedhead
It Takes a Lot to Get Me Hallucinating

Recorded October 7, 2021

A Full-on Fugue State, Chocolate Eclair Taco Salad, and You Brought an Emmy to Work?

Fri, 08 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Diseases of the Venereal Sort
On Xanex With No Proprioception
Mandarin-Splaining
What the Hell is a Butterburger?
Terrified of Needles
The Flywheel Has Not Fully Engaged
Augurs as Murder Weapons
Bumbye No Mo Wine
Not Going to Have Seven Panic Attacks
Schoolbus, Football, and Hulk

Recorded September 23, 2021.

The Psychedelic Synagogue, 9,000 Bodies Buried Here, and Sex Lives of the Potato Men

Fri, 01 Oct 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Down a Dark Hallway Onto a Large Egg
Benjamin, the Silverback Rabbi
A Split With the Transcendent
Proving the Zero Theorem
I Sucked at Shop Class
More in a Rave Than in a Church
High Fact Finder, Low Quick Start
Psychedelics as a Sacrament
My Family History of Schizophrenia
Christoph Waltz, but Naked

Recorded September 16, 2021.

Zahavian Signaling, Propelled to Make Virginia Scream, and Bubble Upon Bubble Upon Bubble

Fri, 24 Sep 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Walking a Tightrope in a Gale
Why My Orange Juice is Kosher
One of Them Does Not Speak Norwegian
Eventually Lunch Bucket Disappeared
Your 3rd Grader Will Commit Suicide
Wine for Catholics, Beer for Protestants
A Brutalist Eyesore of Bizarre Proportions
If You Ever Get Lost in Old Town
Non-Blood Diamonds, Please
Capsaicin is Basically God

Originally recorded September 9, 2021.

The Pandemic Killed Romeo, a Roomba Named Mingus, and I Only Date Geniuses

Fri, 17 Sep 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

The Slime is Palpable
All of Them Perpendicular
Could She be Sapiosexual?
Wilberforce, the Dog
Losing One's Virginity to Sofía
God's Will for Spinsters
Curry Drops 54
Sex (Counseling) with Pastor Greg
Sad, You See
Don't Tell Carrie Fisher

Originally recorded August 6, 2021.

To Misquote Nietzsche, Outraged by Man Buns, and Look at the Big Brain on Atatürk

Fri, 10 Sep 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

The First Day Involves Vomit
Looking Forward to Grief Pizza
Digging Up Antonin Scalia
A Hummer for Every Sex Offender
Buttered Ermal, Braised Trake
Decapitation as a Side Effect
Surprise Her With a Shooting
Your Banh Mi is Kinda Racist
Perpetual Death by Electrocution
Start Running in Mauritania

Originally recorded July 29, 2021.

Marbled Cuyler Meat, Can I Enlist in the Ant War? and A Little Bit of My Pig Brain

Fri, 27 Aug 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Stop Eating Horses!
While the Germans Were Kaisering About
The Donkey is Beefy-Lamby
Women, Excluded From Shootings
The Creature You're Eating was an Asshole
Luther Makes Great Cat
Stand Up for the Bullhorn
We've Hit an Absorbing Barrier
The Termitary as an Organism
Clothes Remain Stainless
The Dog I've Eaten
His Name is Futer
Find and Kill the Queen
When Nothing Sticks to Teflon

Originally recorded July 15, 2021.

Because You're Malleable, Jethro the Shaman, and Did You Say Dog Cancer?

Fri, 20 Aug 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

The Day That He was Circumcised
No Whistle Pig Before 2 p.m.
On the Doll Where He Touched You
Nine Straight Days in Pocatella
Are Bicycles Carcinogenic?
A Simple Val Kilmer Marathon
Get Us to the Martinis Faster
Robespierre Time for You
Kilts up, Boys!
Kenny G Continues to Plague China
If You See a Lump, Say a Lump

Originally recorded July 8, 2021.

Ruminating Among the Jesuses, Constipated Men of Power, and The Didgeridoo is Scaring Me

Fri, 13 Aug 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

Significant Exegetical Difficulty
I Will Die by the Tangent
They Mean Phallic Males
These Venezuelans are Seventh Day Adventists
Middle Finger at the Cocoa Hut
You Can't Marry My Wife
Put on the Blinder and See the Kaleidoscope
Was Calvin Anabaptist?
Find Enkidu at the Brothel
It's Not, It's Not, and You Can't
They Don't Take Gandhi's Color
Tell Me About Them Shrooms, Girl

Originally recorded July 1, 2021.

Luke Beheads Parking Meters, Nude in Cancun, and Toothpaste as a Proxy

Fri, 06 Aug 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:

I Abused the Party Bus
Thankful for White Russians
Young Ladies Still Notice Doug
F-Bombs During Weather Report
Let the Mouse Win
The Meaning is Meat
Two Hundred Necessary Fights
Do You Gouge Your Hummus?
Seger May Sound Perverse

Originally recorded June 24, 2021.

Name the Peat Moss, Is Maslow Upside Down? and Stupid Objectives

Fri, 30 Jul 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Some Models are Deadly
• Scotsmen Dying in Bogs
• My Maze Has a Homing Beacon
• T-Shirts for Incels
• Slime Molds Across Japan
• Bored by Dr. Jekyll
• Bari's Class was Propaganda

Originally recorded June 17, 2021.

Somali Pirates on Yom Kippur, Virgin Prostitutes, and Mushrooms Without Visuals

Fri, 23 Jul 2021 07:00:00 -0500

Also:
• The Horse Versus the Screaming Monkey
• Cemetery Hangings
• The Cat's Meow of Bowling Alleys
• Frisbee Leadership

Originally recorded June 10, 2021.

Taco Envy, Billie the Queen, and Going Presuppositional

Mon, 12 Jul 2021 12:00:00 -0500

Also:
• Dreaming of Bluish Turtles
• Dudes in Matriarchal Cultures
• How to Get Really Stoned on Your Wedding Night

Originally recorded May 20, 2021.