In this episode of Smart Sex, Smart Love, Dr. Joe Kort sits down with award-winning sociologist and author Dr. Trevor Hoppe to explore the long-lasting effects of childhood bullying — not only on our mental health, but on our bodies, relationships, and sense of self.

Dr. Hoppe introduces the idea of “embodied vigilance”: the ways repeated bullying and childhood trauma can leave the body stuck in a state of protection long after the danger has passed. Drawing from his ongoing research and his own experience of being bullied as a child, Trevor explains why something that happened in middle school can still affect us decades later.

Joe also shares his own experiences with severe childhood bullying, including what happened when he confronted some of his former bullies as an adult.

Together, Joe and Trevor discuss who is most vulnerable to bullying, why gender and sexuality are so often policed by peers and institutions, whether fighting back actually helps, and the different ways kids learn to survive — from making themselves invisible to embracing the very qualities they’re being targeted for.

Most importantly, they explore something surprisingly powerful: the difference one supportive adult can make in the life of a bullied child.

Dr. Trevor Hoppe is an Associate Professor of Sociology, Criminology & Justice Studies at UNC Greensboro. His work explores sexuality, public health, consent, stigma, and the law.

MORE FROM DR. TREVOR HOPPE

Pick up a copy of Unsafe Words: Queering Consent in the #MeToo Era, co-edited by Trevor Hoppe and Shantel Gabrieal Buggs.

Trevor is also currently researching his forthcoming book on bullying, tentatively titled Kick Me If You Think I’m Gay, examining the long-lasting effects of gender and sexuality-based bullying on people's bodies and minds.

🌐 Website: http://www.trevorhoppe.com
📱 Instagram: @trevorsaidwhat

Have a bullying story to share?
Dr. Hoppe’s research study is ongoing. If you think your experience may be a good fit, contact the study team at:

📧 embodiedvigilance@gmail.com

CHAPTERS

00:00 Intro: The Lasting Impact of Bullying
01:03 Why Bullying Can Follow Us Into Adulthood
02:14 Who Is Most Affected by Gender & Sexuality-Based Bullying?
03:28 Dr. Joe Kort’s Experience With Childhood Bullying
05:53 “Embodied Vigilance”: How Trauma Lives in the Body
07:45 Do Bullies Remember What They Did?
10:45 Should You Fight Back Against a Bully?
11:06 Bullying Isn’t Just Individual — It Can Be Systemic
13:59 Who Is Most at Risk of Being Bullied?
17:28 How One Supportive Adult Can Change Everything
18:25 How Kids Learn to Protect Themselves From Bullying
20:29 Fighting Back, Fitting In & Hiding Who You Are
23:13 What Adults Can Do for Bullied Kids
25:01 What Happens When No One Steps In
27:04 Where to Find Dr. Trevor Hoppe
27:41 Closing

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#Bullying #ChildhoodTrauma #LGBTQ #MentalHealth #Trauma #DrJoeKort #SmartSexSmartLove

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In this conversation, Michael Pezzullo and Dr. Joe Kort explore why gay men often repeat the same dating and relationship patterns, why emotionally unavailable men can feel so compelling, and how early experiences, insecurity, shame, and the desire to belong can influence who men pursue and what they tolerate in relationships. Michael discusses how many gay men may feel stuck not because they lack insight, but because deeper emotional patterns continue to shape their choices beneath the surface.

They also discuss gay identity, labels, and the difference between calling oneself gay, queer, or something else entirely. Michael and Dr. Kort talk about why language can feel empowering for some people and painful for others, especially when certain words were once used as slurs. They also explore generational differences, individual identity, and why it is important to let people define themselves in the language that feels most accurate to them.

The conversation also looks at gay dating, body image, self-worth, and the pressure some men feel to fit into certain gay spaces or beauty standards. Michael shares his perspective on dating in places like West Hollywood, the myth that more options always make dating easier, and how comparison, insecurity, and the search for belonging can shape gay men’s experiences in community, sex, and relationships.

Michael and Dr. Kort also discuss open relationships, monogamy, porn, sexual confidence, erectile dysfunction medication, gay shame, and the importance of honest communication between partners. They explore why open relationships are not automatically better or worse than monogamy, why both require negotiation and emotional honesty, and why gay men need more space to talk openly about what works, what does not, and what actually feels safe and meaningful.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Michael Pezzullo about gay dating patterns, emotionally unavailable men, gay shame, open relationships, self-worth, sexuality, labels, body image, and what it takes for gay men to build stronger intimacy, confidence, and emotional safety.

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In this candid conversation, Dr. Benson and Dr. Joe Kort reflect on the early years of the epidemic, the loneliness many patients endured, and the enormous changes that arrived as treatments evolved and prevention became possible. Dr. Benson explains why HIV care is an intellectual challenge, not just medically, but emotionally and psychologically, because great care requires seeing the whole person, including mental health. They also discuss today’s realities. PrEP is highly effective, but many people who could benefit from it still are not using it consistently. Dr. Benson shares optimism about long acting injectable prevention options and the future of cure research, and he gives a clear, reassuring answer to a question Joe hears often. If someone is not having intercourse, do they need PrEP or other HIV prevention medications? His answer is no.

The episode also dives into gender affirming care and what responsible, ethical transgender healthcare actually looks like in a primary care setting. Dr. Benson talks about his decades of experience providing hormone therapy, why careful lab monitoring matters, the risks of using higher than recommended dosing, and his measured approach to puberty blockers and surgical interventions for adolescents. He closes with a message he wants every listener to hear. Mental health is a vital part of total healthcare, and patients deserve a strong support team, including providers who collaborate and patients who advocate for themselves, and who cancel appointments when they cannot make them.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Dr. Paul Benson about LGBTQ affirming primary care, the evolution of HIV treatment and prevention, the reality behind transgender medicine, and why mental health support belongs in every healthcare plan.

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The nationally syndicated radio host, writer, performer and storyteller has been in the public eye since she was 16. “I came out of the closet publicly, I did my whole transition publicly, and I’ve seen some of the best and worst that humanity has to offer,” she notes. “It’s time to make the world know we are not going to stand for what is happening now. This will help combat the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness a lot of people are dealing with. Fear thrives in loneliness; many feel the decision already has been made, but that day is not here yet! There still is hope. Get involved! Stay in the fight. We need you, and we will see the other side of this,” she says with confidence.

Listen to this inspiring Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast where I ask Kali Scales some tough questions about the current political climate, the new pressures and divisiveness the LGBTQIA community is encountering, and how she will handle the personal attacks that already are coming her way since she has entered the political race.

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Men are stuck in a bubble internally; they are supposed to be stoic, strong and masculine, and uphold rigid norms placed on them from the past several generations, reports Dr. Christopher Wilson, a certified sex therapist who works with cishet and non-cishet men who are struggling with the patriarchal negative and want to break free of it. 

Women have been hurt disproportionately through the years by the patriarchal model – voting rights, wage discrepancies, financial freedom – but this is changing. Unfortunately, the traditional model for men is not. They feel an internal battle; they don’t want to give up their position, but at the same time, they feel trapped in a small rigid box of social expectations that they cannot step out of or there will be repercussions, they feel.

Men want emotional expression, but in many cases, their female partners shut them down because they, too, are not prepared for this patriarchal change and don’t know how to handle it. 

In this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Wilson will talk about why men struggle with emotional recognition, the four domains where men can get hurt, and how men can break the guy code in a healthy way and be free to be who they are, which ultimately will lead to a better society for everyone.

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“When I talk with couples, many still follow the traditional male patriarchy system: a man’s sexual desire is a woman’s responsibility,” Dr. Rowland finds. “In our patriarchal society, women often grow up learning that sex is not for them; it is their role to pleasure their male partner. It is important to empower primarily women to feel confident with their body autonomy, and to not feel guilty for saying ‘no’ to a sexual encounter they don’t want,” she asserts.

“We are responsible for our own pleasure. Normalize it. Negotiate your desires, and the result will be very freeing,” Dr. Rowland announces. “No one should give permission to explore their own pleasure.”

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In this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Shaw openly and honestly talks about his fetish career publicly for the first time. “You can be a serious filmmaker and an unapologetic adult creator,” he announces. “I own my own fetishes, and it has been amazing for my mental health! Take a fearless step forward and own who you are, and that is the pathway to happiness,” he says.

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“If it weren’t for the kids, we wouldn’t be trying to save our marriage,” is a statement Weiner-Davis hears often in her sessions with couples heading for divorce. How a therapist responds to that statement can make all the difference in what transpires, she has found from her years of experience working with couples who are struggling in their marriage. 

She courageously speaks out about the pitfalls of unnecessary divorce – she founded The Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado – and urges couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together, an often unpopular sentiment among many therapists.

In this podcast, she offers some valuable advice to help couples rebuild trust and repair their fragile relationship. 

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You’ll hear insights on: 

• Why trauma affects everyone differently
• The role of love, connection, and environment in trauma recovery
• Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and why it works
• How confronting your perpetrator—at the right time—can be transformational
• Why healing isn't linear, but it is possible

Dr. Anderson's personal journey, professional insight, and heartfelt message remind us that no one is broken—and that healing is not only possible, but a path to living a more authentic, purpose-driven life.

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Born and raised in Berlin, Germany, Aram conducts trainings online with his “tribe” of gay men – his community of like-minded individuals who face many of the same struggles when it comes to body image and health. Aram got into the business of helping other gay men reach their fitness goals because he himself had his own struggles as a young man. He found working out in the gym helped him overcome his fears and shortcomings, boosted his self-esteem and made him feel good “in so many ways,” he says. 

 In this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Aram talks about some of the biggest mistakes men (and women) make when setting fitness goals, how you can stay fit at any age, and why it never is too late to start a fitness routine. “It is not complicated or overwhelming when trying to stay in shape and healthy with the right routines, practices and habits,” he professes. 

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They discuss the removal of LGBTQ+ references from federal websites, restrictions on gender-affirming care, and the reinstatement of the transgender military ban. Jay explains the legal challenges being filed to stop these policies and how they impact civil rights.

The conversation also covers how the LGBTQ+ community can respond, the importance of unity, and the broader impact of these policies beyond transgender individuals. Jay encourages listeners to stay informed, speak up, and support advocacy efforts.

🎧 Listen now at  JoeKort.com or follow Dr. Joe Kort on Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook @DrJoeKort.

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The couple fell in love, were married last November, and have been talking about their monogamous relationship – a “soulful connection” – as Hoff describes it, in People Magazine, The New York Times and social media. 

“It was a pivotal moment to finally take the leap and decide to share our story,” says Hoff during this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. 

It’s natural for the couple to be under critical eyes when they chose to go public with their story. Greenstone is straight, and she knew Hoff was gay soon after their friendship began eight years ago. 

People don’t believe they can be monogamous; they suspect Hoff will be (or has been) unfaithful, they label him bisexual and not gay, they say the marriage is a sham, they believe conversion therapy is involved, they assume Greenstone couldn’t find a straight man to marry … and the theories go on and on because most people are skeptical that a straight woman and a gay man can be in a loving, monogamous relationship. 

The reality of this mixed orientation marriage is that it is working very well, and the couple is in love, happy, content, secure and completely committed to each other. “Jacob shows up for me more than anyone has ever shown up for me in my life,” Greenstone says. “He makes it clear how important I am to him every day and how much me being in his life means to him. Any doubt in my head is gone. He is in it for the long run.” 

Listen to my podcast to learn about the “pure love story” of Samantha Wynn Greenstone and Jacob Hoff and how mixed orientation marriages can be successful. 

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“I played with traditional boy toys growing up,” he points out. “I loved transformers.” As he got older, his desire to play with toys never diminished. Finally, when Taylor was well into his 20s, he decided, “I can do what I want, and I’m going to buy toys if I feel like it.” 

He has no “scientific” process for doll collecting. “Some people collect celebrity dolls; others collect ball gown dolls or Kens. Buy what you love, and you will love your collection,” he announces. “It’s what makes me happy.” 

He urges others: “Follow your bliss. I no longer say to myself, ‘you’re a grown man, you can’t buy that.’ Buy yourself a doll if it makes you happy!” 

Learn more about doll collecting and Jim Taylor’s story in this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. 

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Here's a glimpse into his book and my podcast:

• The devil tempts people to masturbate. These sexual black magic demons enter your life and influence you to masturbate, which is a sin. Not true.
• Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is a real diagnosis. Not true.
• Masturbating will bring you to an early grave. Also not true.

Dr. Sprankle discusses these myths in detail and shares a lot more on the subject of masturbation, jackoff clubs, safe anus insertion practices, and enjoying masturbation moments without shame or guilt. 

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McDaniel is the author of a book, “Gender Magic: Live Shamelessly, Reclaim your Joy and Step into your Most Authentic Self,”a first-of-its-kind practical guide to achieving gender freedom with joy, curiosity and pleasure for transgender and non-binary individuals, gender explorers and those who love them.

Born a girl, McDaniel found this identity was too limiting, but they didn’t identify as a man either. “I identify very much in the middle. Everyone has their own way of defining their gender, and everyone deserves to find their authentic self with joy, not suffering,” they announce in this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. 

“It’s not about gender transition; it is about gender freedom,” McDaniel discusses. The book is relevant for trans, non-binary and cisgender individuals who want to understand what gender freedom is, and live the life that truly is authentic to them.

To hear McDaniel’s story and what you can do to live with gender freedom, listen to this podcast.

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In this podcast, the Old Gay Guys tell their story, freely discuss their sex lives, help dispel the myths of aging, and talk about their recently released book, “The Old Gays’ Guide to the Good Life.”

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“COVID changed our lives quickly and abruptly,” she begins. “Suddenly we were forced to spend time alone, or alone with our partner. “We were talking about our relationship more and what we wanted; we had to verbalize our thoughts, feelings and desires more often.”

Deysach owns a sex toy shop, and she saw a huge surge in sex toy purchases during the pandemic, she reports. People were exploring and accessing new avenues of pleasure, she found. “This can’t help but build self-confidence.”

How can couples keep open communication going? Dr. Kort asked her. “Practice. We are taught not to talk about sex, so start small, and be specific about what you like,” Deysach says. “Most people who are worth having sex with should want to communicate and want feedback,” she notes. 

In the podcast, Deysach also shares her advice for helping people feel more comfortable in the bedroom. To hear her tips and more about Deysach’s background and why she opened a sex toy store, listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast.

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Bisexuality has had very little visibility over the years, Zachary notes. “I felt so alone and so isolated; I didn’t think bisexuality was real.”

When Zachary started learning he was not alone and there was a huge, unnoticed community of bisexuals, “it was a voice not represented, and that is why I wrote the book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto,” which describes his journey and how he was able to overcome his sexual shame.

“If talking about sex is uncomfortable, good! It’s time to start unpacking these feelings and talk about the subject … graphically and explicitly,” he announces.

“Get loud and obnoxious about your bisexuality! We are real, we exist, and we are not alone! Shout it out! Sex can be so much more fun if we can reduce sexual shame!”

To learn more about Zachary Zane and his bisexual journey, listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, hosted by Dr. Joe Kort.

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In this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Diamond talks about arousal and desire, and emotions and love, which are some of the components of eroticism, but the true mystery of sexual fluidity – why it happens, who experiences it and why – remains a mystery in many ways. In this podcast, Dr. Diamond discusses the extensive research she has conducted on sexual fluidity, and she shares her findings. Is there a gender difference? Are women more sexuality fluid than men? Aren’t we “born that way” and we cannot change? Through the years, we have learned to see ourselves through such a small lens, Dr. Diamond reports. Let’s take a wider look and see what we can learn! 

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“Coach Nic” developed Body Prayer to reclaim the Sacred for our Erotic Bodies. In his new profession – he was a reknown musician for more than two decades and then shifted careers to the Catholic priesthood before choosing sexological bodywork – he helps men learn to enjoy their bodies more, deepen their sacred body experience, and open up to the possibility of the erotic body. “You marry the ritual of the sacred with the erotic, the body and spirit, and it can be “really delicious,” he professes. Too many people feel shackled and don’t even know how to ask the questions about their sexual erotic being, he finds. It can be as simple as touching a hand, but touching for many brings feelings of shame and guilt. Nic helps clients understand how touch works, explore touching in ways never tried before, and learn to love the sacred experience. 

During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Coach Nic talks about how men can feel safe and comfortable about their sexual erotic being. 

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He notes that research is exploding when it comes to understanding sex addiction … and whether it truly is an addiction. “The more we know about it, the more we need to know,” he finds. Not every problem we face is an addiction, he reports. Your problem is real, but it may not be an addiction, he has learned through extensive research. 

To find out more about the research of this internationally recognized expert on behavioral addictions, listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast hosted by Dr. Joe Kort.

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Financial domination (also known as Findom) is now more widely accepted; it no longer is a passing fad, Master Arch points out during a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. It goes beyond fetish in the world of BDSM, and it is ethical, moral and therapeutic, Master Arch notes. “We discuss the terms of the relationship beforehand and have a meeting of the minds to ensure all transactions and actions are consensual. The client is ready to relinquish financial control to me and become my slave.” Like other BDSM activities, financial domination requires boundaries and communication, he adds.

During this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Master Arch also discusses his work as a death escort – helping people who are looking for one last erotic experience – and how people can benefit from talking about fetishes. To learn more about how Master Arch has helped countless people through his work – which he does “very ethically,” he asserts, listen to this podcast.

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You won’t change a narcissist, but you can change how you handle yourself and cope more effectively with these situations. In a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Matt Phifer, a therapist and expert in toxic relationships, narcissism, trauma and emotional abuse, talks about understanding narcissism and codependency, and how to detoxify from toxic relationships. 

Healing is 100 percent on you, he emphasizes. We all need to be responsible for our own mental and physical health. The healthier we become, the less impact the narcissist will have on us. When we are immersed in the manipulative trap of a narcissist, it makes it even harder to find a way out. Start the healing journey today. The narcissist is not going anywhere and always will be looking for another victim. 

To learn how to understand narcissism so we can break free from being victimized and begin our healing journey, listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast 

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Women traditionally are trained to take the role of nurturer, and when two women in a relationship are focused on that, “they can create an amazing relationship,” she finds. Women are people pleasers, they are peacemakers, they are accepting and supportive. Intimacy comes naturally. Same sex relationships not only are legitimate, but they also are worth emulating. So, how can a couple move into a place where they can be their own unique secure self and still be together as a couple and maintain a supportive, loving connection?

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You and your daughter spend a fun day at the beach. When it is time to go home, she protests and starts screaming at you. She is not ready to leave and is not going to leave. The louder she yells, the angrier you get. By the time you are able to drag her to the car, you are emotionally exhausted and tell her this is the last time you are ever taking her to the beach.

As a parent, is there a way to manage emotional outbursts successfully in our kids? Do our kids understand their emotions? They probably don’t even know the words to describe feelings such as nervousness, anxiety, fear or worry.  

During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Mina Blatt, a therapist with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan, provides some strategies and advice for parents to help their kids understand and manage their emotions effectively.

Grounding, breathing techniques and time outs are three of several ideas Mina explores during the podcast. She also talks about how parents can manage their own emotions better when their kids have uncontrollable outbursts. Remember, we are role models for our kids. They are always watching and learning from their parents’ behaviors, Mina points out. To hear the entire Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast and pick up a few valuable tips on helping your kids manage their emotions 

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Why are men afraid to share their vulnerability? And what can they do about it so they will feel empowered to lead a life of connection, openness and honesty? As young boys, males are taught not to shed tears because it is a sign of weakness. It is unmanly and unattractive, they’ve been told. It’s time to break this cultural context! During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Love and Leadership Coach Shana James, talks about how men can create more balance in their life so they will feel free to share their vulnerability and feel less isolated and alone. She explores vulnerability as a strength in men, not a weakness. Men need to feel safe to explore and express their vulnerability, she asserts, but we’ve created a world that won’t allow this to happen. Listen to Shana’s podcast with Dr. Joe Kort on how men can begin to share their vulnerability and feel confident and powerful for expressing their feelings. 

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During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Linda Weiner, certified diplomate in sex therapy and author of a book entitled, “Sensate focus in sex therapy: The illustrated manual,” explains this mindful touching technique that can enhance your sex life. “You can turn off the chatter” in your mind and tune into your body to improve your sex life, she finds. The technique especially is beneficial for sexually distressed individuals. 

Sensate focus is a series of touching experiences that people can use for themselves to reconnect to their body and calm themselves or use with a partner to reduce pressure between the two and improve their sexual health. Deepening a sexual connection with your partner may mean focusing less on sexuality and more on the sensuality of touching. Turn off the thinking brain and turn on the primal brain, she asserts. In this podcast, Linda explains how to focus on mindful thinking to relieve anxiety, worry and sexual tension. She discusses the three components of sensate focus: temperature, texture and pressure, and how to use each to help with self-love and body acceptance. 

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During the Season 3 opening podcast of Smart Sex, Smart Love, Cody Daigle-Orians, an asexual writer and educator, shares his own personal experience of discovering his identity as asexual in hopes of helping others who are confused about finding the “label” that bests fit them.

When you are not sure of what you are feeling, be sure of what you are not, he asserts.

Cody came out as gay at the age of 18, but he knew that label really wasn’t the right fit for him. He chose “gay” because at the time that was the recognized language. “I didn’t understand what I was, but I clearly could see what I was not.” He knew he didn’t relate to sex the same way as other gay men; in fact, he thought he was a broken gay man. Cody didn’t experience sexual attraction, but he still wanted sexual pleasure. 

Three years ago, when he was 42, Cody came out again – this time as asexual. 

“It was such a wonderful moment for me to find my true, authentic self,” he announces.

The language of asexuality, the labels, the definitions and the terms are tools, not tests, he emphasizes. These tools help you explain yourself to yourself and explain yourself to the rest of the world. 

 You also can learn more about asexuality by listening to Cody’s Tik Tok messages under the name of @acedadadvice.

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Why are gay men hyper-focused on body image?

Objectification, mattering, minority stress and gay ageism are contributors to a gay man’s dissatisfaction with his body, studies have shown. In addition, Apps like Grindr only make it worse. Gay men are shamed, humiliated and discriminated against, and this can lead to mental health problems. 

During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Greg Johnson, therapist with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan, talks about the issue of poor body image and low self-esteem that many gay men are living with. He offers advice on how to overcome these issues – which often are rooted in their childhood, and how to start valuing and validating yourself as a gay man. He also will discuss objectification, mattering, minority stress and gay ageism and their contributing role in body image perceptions. 

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1. conscious coupling: everyone’s sexual needs should be taken into consideration
2. authentic sex life: honor how each person feels
3. creating sexual pleasure: this can be ever-changing

Women need to develop a personal path to pleasure – their unique method and style of creating pleasure with an ever-changing body and following an ageless sex philosophy – the physical expression of intimacy taking into consideration emotional needs, aging bodies and health challenges.

Think of your bed as a sandbox you played in as a child. You discovered limitless creative pleasure to do whatever you wanted. You can find that active, satisfying sex life again.

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Polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with different people. These relationships will work, but couples must first put the right pieces in place to ensure a secure, successful, workable and healthy polyamorous relationship.

Here are a few factors to consider before deciding if a polyamorous relationship is right for you, Martha shares.

• One partner may want an open relationship, but the other partner is dead set against it. 
• One partner tried a polyamorous relationship in the past and it didn’t work, so he/she is hesitant to try again. 
• One partner breaks the relationship agreement.
• Couples don’t know they need to set up “ground rules” to make the relationship work.
• One partner is worried the other partner may fall in love with his/her new partner.

These are just a few concerns couples need to resolve before considering a polyamorous relationship, Martha explains during a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. 

First, begin building the polyamorous relationship structure – valuing your personal growth and always expressing your thoughts and feelings with transparency and honesty. Don’t shy away from the tough questions and challenges. Ask the hard questions, have the difficult conversations, talk about the uncomfortable feelings. Hammer it out. Ultimately, you will find the answers you are looking for. 

Next, develop an agreement that both partners are comfortable with. Really be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want in this relationship. Can you make it work? Do you want to make it work? Are you agreeing to things because you want to be a partner pleaser or because you want to avoid conflict? In either case, the agreement – and the relationship – will not succeed because you are not being completely truthful. The agreement requires a lot of self-awareness. It won’t work magically. Ultimately, together you can create an incredibly beautiful and strong relationship.

Remember, to maintain a strong, open relationship, continue communicating, talk about issues as they surface so you can resolve them quickly, listen to what your partner wants and be receptive to making changes in the agreement.

The agreement can be fluid, Martha points out. She encourages couples to check-in with each other often to make sure both partners still are comfortable with the agreement. If you want to renegotiate your relationship “contract,” be open to changing it as you learn more about this new relationship and how it is working. For example, maybe you’ve decided you don’t want to know if your partner is seeing someone else, or you want a phone call if your partner decides to stay out all night. Add these to the agreement. 

The goal is to adjust the agreement, not break it. If you find you cannot keep the agreement, maybe you are not ready for a polyamorous relationship. Talk about that, too. It is important to build a secure, trusting relationship.

Creating a polyamorous relationship agreement can be incredibly emotionally weighted, in fact, it can be scary as hell, but can do it if you are willing to work at it – just like any other relationship.

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“I came into the relationship knowing my partner was gender fluid,” she begins in this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast.

At first, the relationship was uncomfortable, not because of her partner’s gender fluidity, but because they didn’t know how to identify themselves publicly. Words like “we” became common descriptors as they tried to avoid he/she pronouns. This growing discovery of gender fluidity impacted both partners.

“We had a lot of long, intense conversations on how to publicly transition,” Sarah says. “We both were closeted; it was a transition for me, too.” 

This was a huge challenge for the couple; when do they come out, how do they come out, and when do they stand up and speak and stand down and support? They had many talks about the transitioning process as well as their relationship. Trans partners also have to be mindful there are challenges for cis partners, too, Sarah points out.

What is most important, she emphasizes, is to be true to who you are. “Gender wasn’t part of it for me. It was the attraction. Focus less on gender and more on who that person is whom you love,” she believes.

“The person in private I fell in love with initially wouldn’t show that side to the world. I loved that person in private, but not so much the person who masked in public. It was stressful for both of us to live the masked life. I saw who she truly was and who she truly could be, but she was afraid to unmask.

“For me, it was really powerful when my partner came out. I loved her even more.”

Keep your label, Sarah emphasizes. Respect what a person chooses as their label. People choose a label that fits them.

“I chose pansexual; I can be attracted to someone regardless of their gender and assigned sex at birth.”

And do not out your partner if your partner isn’t ready. Always defer to what the trans person wants.

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 For example, approximately 90 percent of people use tap water to prepare for bottoming, he points out in the podcast. Tap water and store-bought enemas cause damage to the cells inside your anus. Dr. Goldstein has created a solution for clean, confident sexual activity. He believes pleasure should be safe, healthy and “mind-blowing for everyone;” that is why he created the Future Method products.

 When was the last time you thought about using a moisturizing cream for your anus? Do you know why you should and what products are safe? Dr. Goldstein created one to soothe the damaged anal area, something not many of us probably ever worry about. Most of the damage is not from sex, he points out. It’s from our stool or using bad toilet paper or sweating in your bottom area and letting the excess moisture stay in that area far too long. He has a solution to reduce the irritation and inflammation, and hydrate and soothe the anus.

 During the podcast, he offers scientifically researched advice on caring for your anus and anal area properly, such as:

·      Ditch the wet wipes – they cause increased irritation

·      Dry yourself off completely after a shower – the moisture in your anal area that sits there all day can lead to bacterial infections, fungal infections, dermatitis, rashes and micro-tears

·      Don’t over-douche – more is not better, especially when it comes to your anus

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He started his surgical practice about 10 years ago focusing on everything anal. Dr. Goldstein is considered the preeminent expert and thought leader in this field, bringing the important issues surrounding sexual health to the forefront for all communities, and eliminating the stigma attached to anal sex.  

Through working with a wide spectrum of individuals, he has learned they want to talk about anal sex but are uncomfortable starting the conversation. 

People don’t understand the positive experience this can be. When they are ready to “talk about ass,” as he says, there are a few most frequently asked questions, such as “isn’t the anus dirty?” Or, “is it safe?” Or, “is one person submissive?” Another question is about toys – “should we use them, will they get stuck, how do I know what size to use …?”

First, it is all about sexual desire; about enjoying your sex life. Anal sex can take you to that next level of pleasure you haven’t experienced before, he finds. 

Second, people just need some education before they attempt anal sex for the first time to make sure the experience is safe, injury-free and fun.

Some simple anatomy lessons will help. So will information about the right toys to use, the right lube to use, the dilating process, how to douche adequately, and how to learn how to relax certain muscles so you can enjoy the experience fully.

Anal sex can, and should be, very sexy, not mechanical.

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 It’s time to tear down those walls and silos and take the risk of going back to the playground again, say John Ball and Lisa Goyette. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast. John and Lisa, founders of CH Training & Coaching, talk with Dr. Joe Kort about how businesses can create a more authentic and empathetic workplace “playground” by increasing relational intimacy through social and emotional intelligence.

Social and emotional intelligence is the science of managing yourself and connecting with others. To do this, John and Lisa recommend using a new “life lens,” as they call it, to improve relational intimacy and healthy communication. Vulnerability, authenticity, resilience and adaptability are just a few of the tools needed to learn how to adapt your behavior based on an awareness of your emotions and the emotions of others. Even in the midst of our differences, we still can find a way to work together effectively, increase productivity in the workplace and develop a satisfying work life. We can do it in our personal life; we should be able to do the same in our work life.

Step back and take a real look at who we are, John and Lisa advise. Look at our behaviors, our family, our “playground” experiences, and our relationships. Understand who we are as an individual, and how we judge ourselves and others. Preconceptions of people are made in the first 10 to 15 seconds.

In the workplace, employees need to feel safe expressing their feelings; they want to be heard and they want to validated, not judged. It can be scary to tear down the walls and silos. You don’t want to relive those playground days.

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Generation after generation, black families have taught their children to be fearful of the world; don’t draw attention to yourself and your family. They constantly live in a survival mode. Will their child return home safely? Will the police show up unexpectedly at their house? Black families believe the world is an unsafe place, and these beliefs continue one generation after another. 

During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Darcia discusses why it is difficult for African Americans to seek mental health services and provides some advice on how to overcome these issues and seek help when you need it. 

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Tylia Flores, disability activist and advocate, was born with Cerebral Palsy. Although her condition has affected her mobility, it never has altered her determination to make a difference in the world. Through her many challenges and obstacles, she discovered a passion for writing and chose to share her life experiences with anyone who will listen. In a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Tylia talks about dating and Cerebral Palsy and the lessons she has learned as a 25-year-old sexually active wheelchairbound woman with Cerebral Palsy.

Self-love comes first, she strongly believes. It helps to deal with rejection in relationships, she has found from personal experience. Not every relationship ends like a Nicholas Sparks novel. Embrace the journey of dating and the experience of getting to know someone. It’s like layers of a cake: the first layer is trust, the second is communication and the third is love. Take your time savoring each layer.

Maintain your boundaries, she recommends. As a “one chance kind of woman,” Tylia has no place in her life for cheaters, liars and scammers. She’s been scammed on online dating sites many times and has met men who fantasize about having sex with a woman in a wheelchair. Having Cerebral Palsy makes life a little more interesting, she finds.

The world isn’t made for people like us, Tylia believes, especially when we face one obstacle after another in our life.

Everyone’s dreams can come true, even those with disabilities, she preaches loudly.

Cerebral Palsy does not define you. Life is 99 percent of how you react to challenges, and love comes in all shapes and sizes. Fall in love with yourself and keep moving forward. The rest is icing on the cake.

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At the Pornhub Wellness Center, these questions – and dozens more – are discussed honestly and openly and backed by evidence-based facts. During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Joe Kort interviewed Laurie Betito, PhD, a clinical psychologist, sex therapist and Director of the Pornhub Wellness Center. The sexual wellness, sexual health and sexual education website was designed for people to learn about sex the right way. You won’t learn to drive by watching “The Fast and Furious;” why would you think you could learn about sex by watching porn, Dr. Betito asks.

Sadly, people – often kids – seek out porn sites for education. That is what they will get – porn education, not sex education. Kids are curious about sex because they are not learning it in school or from their parents, so they will find it with just a few clicks on their computer or phone. And adults watch porn and worry, “this isn’t happening with me. What am I doing wrong?”

During the Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Dr. Betito also talks about empowering people with their own sexual pleasure, having great sex into old age, and penetrative sex. People think if they are not having penetrative sex, they are not having sex. Sex needs a much wider definition. Sex is everything you do together that you wouldn’t do with your sibling. 

We are opening a door people don’t want to shut when it comes to learning about sex the right way. 

(Dr. Betito clarifies that Pornhub Wellness Center is a website for adults, not kids.)

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During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, he discussed the anatomy of anal sex, how to prepare for it, how to take preventive measures to ensure a safe experience, and what the secrets are to making it a pleasurable experience – one he describes as “rockets going off.”

So many people are embarrassed to talk about anal sex or ask questions about it, but let’s face it, most people want to know how to do it right, how to do it well, and how to do it safely. Who better to ask than a gay GI doctor? 

Everyone can – and should – enjoy anal sex – even women. And the G spot (there is one in anal sex) can be explosive. Remember to prepare for anal sex with lubrication; relaxation; lots of breathing; and light, slow pushing. Dr. Carlton shares many more secrets to having some of the best sex you’ll ever have through the anus.

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During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Buck Dodson, board certified life coach and licensed psychotherapist, talks about the core steps you can take to make this second coming out full of new possibilities, fewer problems and a real sense of freedom and authenticity.

It is time to design your best midlife! As a gay man, you got a jump start when you came out of the closet and faced the challenge of discrimination, homophobia, exclusion and learning how to live in an often unaccepting heterosexual world. You had the “Gay Advantage.” Our lives as gay men essentially start over twice – when we come out of the closet, and when we reach midlife. What we faced as gay men will influence our midlife journey in distinct and different ways. We found the courage once; we can find it again. Sadly, many of us don’t realize how prepared we are for the midlife journey, and feel we’ve reached the end of the road. We have not. We are stepping into a time of life to tune into our soul spark, to find clarity in our life, and begin expressing the true person we are meant to be. We are connecting with our deepest and most authentic self – finally! 

Midlife mastery is about lasting pleasure, deep connection and true fulfillment. It is time to step into yourself and find your purpose instead of living under the influence of society’s norms or parental influence. 

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“Now that we are family, we should be getting along but we aren’t.”

“We are in this for the long haul, but I don’t know if the long haul is worth the struggles we are encountering.”

Approximately 67 percent of what couples argue about never goes away. And the baggage they carry into the marriage never seems to lighten.

A happy and healthy marriage can exist … but it takes work. Just because you checked the “married” box doesn’t mean the honeymoon phase will last forever effortlessly.

Marriage and family are an active living process that continues for a lifetime.

During a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Jessica Topor, PhD, licensed marriage and family therapist with The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health, shares insights about this form of psychotherapy that looks at the behaviors of all family members and the way these behaviors affect each person and their relationships with each other, and the family unit as a whole.

Relationships will grow and change. If couples have a common goal and stay focused on it, their commitment – along with hard work – are the skills needed for building lifelong relationships.

It sounds simple, but it’s the work part that causes the problems, Jessica finds.

Part of her sessions includes a look at the family’s history including siblings. Siblings are the “training wheels” that provide many insights into family dynamics, she finds.

Jessica also talks about the baggage each person carried into the marriage. About 90 percent of it can be discarded, she notes.

And make sure you find couple time every day – even for one hour. This time should not include talking about the kids or your work. And yes, there is plenty to talk about outside these two topics.

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Think again.

Neurodiverse relationships can, and do, work. Ashley Grubbs, a licensed professional counselor who practices in Colorado, Texas and Virginia, specializes in neurodiverse couples counseling and knows first-hand that these relationships can be everything a partner is looking for. She is happily married to a man on the autism spectrum. Just because the neurodiverse brain works differently, doesn’t mean it is broken, she explains.

The brain processes information differently, which means the person’s view and expectations of sex will be different from their partner’s. Begin the process of understanding how your partner thinks, and what his/her perceptions are regarding sex and intimacy. Start the communication and conversations. Autistic people may have difficulty expressing love or empathy because they are unable to label their emotions and feelings and verbalize them. What comes to us naturally, is not a natural process for them.

On the positive side, the autistic partner is open and honest about what they are thinking. They also are loyal, kind and thoughtful – that is how they love us. They feel so deeply, but they struggle with expressing those feelings – they don’t know how to assign words to their feelings. The ultimate goal is that both people in the relationship will have their sexual needs met. There are barriers to overcome, but once they are resolved, the relationship can be satisfying, pleasurable and fulfilling.

Learn More About Ashley Grubbs: Website | Facebook | Instagram

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Anal sex is disgusting, it’s sinful, it’s wrong, it’s only for gay couples, it’s too painful, it won’t be pleasurable. Many individuals do not think of the anus as an erotic zone, but it can be.

In a Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, Mahmoud Baydoun, a Brazilian psychologist, certified sex therapist and online sex educator, talked about anal sex and how it can be erotic, painless and pleasurable for all couples.

Mahmoud, through his thousands of social media communications, finds anal sex is one of the most common subjects people want to know more about. He emphasizes that there should be no guilt, no shame, or no fear of judgment when it comes to choosing anal sex. Your anus is bisexual, he points out, and anal sex has nothing to do with sexual orientation. What we do in bed has nothing to do with our personality, he adds. It is all about how you want to express your sexual needs. You do not need a penis and vagina for stimulation.

The first concern for most couples is pain. Anal sex is not painful and can be pleasurable and erotic if it is performed correctly. There are techniques to practice that will help relax the anus, allowing for a pleasurable experience. Since the anus does not self-lubricate like the vagina, lubricant is a must. And sex gadgets can be very stimulating, too.

If a couple decides to have anal sex, Mahmoud advises they start slowly with touching and caressing to make sure they are relaxed. The muscle in the anus needs to relax to allow comfortable penetration. Start slowly. Continue communication with your partner and stop immediately if you are finding the experience is painful or uncomfortable.

Anal foreplay and massage also will improve the erotic experience. Massage other areas of the body and work your way to the anus. Avoid tensing the muscles in the anal region. The more excited you are, the more desire you will have and the more relaxed your anus will become, all will allow for more enjoyment.

And remember, anal sex must be consensual.

Anyone can enjoy giving and receiving anal sex – men, women, gay, bisexual, straight. It is up each couple to decide what you want, what you enjoy and if you want to experiment.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MAHMOUD BAYDOUN

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In this episode entitled “Gay men and loneliness,” host Joe Kort, PhD, psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, talked with an expert on the subject – Clinton Power – a relationship therapist based in Sydney, Australia, who specializes in couples therapy and relationship challenges. In 2003, he founded Sydney Gay Counselling to support the mental health and wellbeing of LGBTQ singles and couples. From working extensively with same sex couples, Clinton has found that gay men cannot find their niche in the gay community, and those in the community are not making it easy to break down barriers. In fact, this in-group discrimination can be evil and devastating. Gay men need face-to-face socialization, however, the gay packs are hard to penetrate.

Gay men struggle with being included, with penetrating the pack and being accepted. They feel left out because there is no tribe for them. They feel isolated and lonely, and all of these feelings are compounded with mental and physical health issues. Social media as well as the pandemic have intensified the situation.

Traditional gay spaces – bars, nightclubs, bathhouses – have been replaced by social media and hook up apps. These apps fit into their insecurities and do more harm than good. As a result, gay men end up feeling worse about themselves. (At least 70 percent of gay men now use hook up apps like Grindr and Scruff to meet other gay men). Sex is easily available, but connection, companionship, and love are missing. Being pushed away by your own people hurts the worst because you expect them to accept you the most. And so, the life of rejection continues to follow gay men – from pre-coming out to coming out, to trying to find their “tribe.”

This negative culture becomes embedded and the long-term effects of rejection, isolation and loneliness often lead to mental health issues, Clinton is finding. He also urges gay men to begin connecting their loneliness with their childhood experiences as gay. Validating this is an important step toward healing, he finds. Often, gay men choose self-medicating as a way to relieve these feelings. It makes them feel good for a short time, however, once they get past the tipping point, self-medicating can become an addiction. Others may use sex as their self-healing tool of choice and they go from hook up to hook up hoping to feel better. They are seeking intimacy and connection, but they end up feeling empty and worse.

LEARN MORE ABOUT CLINTON POWER

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Although sex should be a positive experience for couples, it often is not, Barry finds. Conflict, avoidance, lack of spontaneity, and not knowing each other’s expectations or sexual style all contribute to a power struggle that can ruin the sexual experience and the relationship. Sex is not a pass or fail experience, he explains. Men feel they “pass” if they have an erection, and women feel they “pass” if they have an orgasm. If this doesn’t happen, they believe the sexual encounter “failed.”

Too often, they think it is intercourse or nothing. They need to talk openly about sex, what they like, what pleasures them, and learn their sexual style. Shame, embarrassment, resentment and blame should never be on the table. Couples should work together as a team to minimize guilt and maximize intimacy. Be a wise couple, not an emotional couple, he urges. Barry also finds men get too caught up in having an erection. They feel if they don’t have one, they are not good enough. They see sex as power and their penis is their power. They feel it is a measure of their skill as a lover to give a woman an orgasm during intercourse. If this doesn’t happen, they often experience erectile disappointment. This thought process can be destructive for men.

In this podcast, Barry also discusses good enough sex, which replaces the pass/fail perfect intercourse model. Good enough sex affirms the multiple roles, meanings and outcomes of couple sexuality. It emphasizes variable, flexible, positive and realistic sexual responses and expectations. If the encounter does not end in intercourse, instead of panic, anxiety, apology or avoidance, the couple should celebrate the pleasure they experienced.

LEARN MORE ABOUT BARRY MCCARTHY

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Kink often is thought of as the extreme sport of sex. People do something and push it a little further than they normally would; they are looking for a different kind of intense sensation. In the realm of sexuality, kink and personal growth can be connected, Dr. Sprott has found through his research. Those in kink subcultures are trying to explore their sexuality, which ultimately can lead to their own personal growth. They are learning more about themselves and their relationships, and they are learning to trust another person. As this trust deepens, so too does the understanding of the person they are. KinkT is a very intimate act that requires a lot of trust and a lot of communication. It’s about finding the place where you can surrender to someone else. Some therapists with little or no sex therapy training believe kink is a result of childhood or abuse or trauma, however, research shows no connections between kink and childhood experiences. This is a common myth with no supportive evidence. In fact, he has found “vanilla” sex and kinky sex have a lot of similarities because the people involved want the same experience – arousal and pleasure. Kink and fetish can be a way to explore our gender expression, our gender identity.

LEARN MORE ABOUT DR. SPROTT

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The challenge today for many individuals is what to do when you notice that your behaviors are not sexually aligning with how you feel inside; your internal life is not matching your external life. As a practitioner with the Queer Couples Center in San Francisco, California, Finn works with individuals and couples, offering coaching and counseling on sex and intimacy, as well as helping queer men find meaning in eroticism to create a sense of loving with other men. The process of unraveling your core identity to rebuild your authentic self can be a struggle, he finds.

Sex and relationships are the lenses through which we all can examine our lives to help guide us into healthy relationships and exciting sex that reflects our own personal quest for wholeness. When it comes to relationships, Finn believes many of us are working against strong conditioning and faulty templates and need help addressing the challenges we face in relationships. As individuals release blame and get really honest with themselves, healing can occur. Transformation requires patience, practice, and a holistic understanding of the individual and relational challenges that you may be facing. As we uncover our personal truths, we also contribute to the collective healing for us all.

In this podcast, Finn also talks about the Elements of Desire; owning your own shadow; affirmative pleasure; and fantasy as the map, not the territory.

Find Finn Deerhart Here:
WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

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For more information about Scott McCarty and his work, please visit his website, shearpointe.com.

Follow Dr. Joe Kort on TikTok here –> https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJW8mUVM/

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They chat about how the latest innovations in sex tech are transforming the way we mate, relate, and masturbate. “Sex tech is redefining how we have sex,” says Holly. “It’s not heteronormative penis/vagina sex anymore these days.”

Dr. Holly is a Somatic Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She says Millennials are having less sex than any generation in recorded history and talks about how technology has played a role in this. “The younger generation are making more informed choices with their sex lives. Sex tech is not the great divider!” says Holly. “You can use your tech to enhance your sex life. Be prepared, sex tech is coming, (pun intended!) so have an open mind about it!”

Find Holly at:

www.drhollyrichmond.com. www.next-sex.com.

IG, FB and Twitter: @DrHollyRichmond

Holly’s book: Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide to Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life (published Spring 2021, New Harbinger Publications).

 Learn from Holly at:
www.modernsextherapyinstitutes.com

Resources Holly mentions in this episode:
Dipsea
Exo
Iplaysafe
MySexBio
Coral
Morari Medical
MYHIXEL
Abyss Creations Real Dolls
Dame Products

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Hayden, who describes himself as a Compassion Warrior, Social Worker, Mental Health & Intersectionality Therapist, believes radical permission is a powerful practice that is life-changing.

His work examines the psychosocial challenges impacting people of color and LGBTQIA+ individuals, and he believes we have to see that race operates and permeates through many of our social systems, often leading Black people to be at a disadvantage. “Racism is such an ordinary thing in America, we often don’t even notice it!” says Hayden.

Hayden and Joe discuss why self-compassion and radical permission is important for all of us. “Self-compassion slows us down,” says Hayden. “It is a better platform for us to do better work. And radical permission is a permission slip to help you move forward.”

For more information about Hayden Dawes and his work, please visit his website, hcdawes.com.

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Having worked with a host of populations from inmates awaiting trial, to families coming to terms with their transitioning children, to survivors of domestic abuse, Peter is not one to shy away from difficult topics.

He hosts a monthly online group for male survivors of sexual assault where he offers a safe space for its members to share, support and grow.

Talking about male sexual assault is difficult. “Men are not supposed to be the victims,” says Peter. “It’s difficult for men to separate the assault from the assaulter. But it is possible for them to move on with education and a secure place to ask questions.”

You have to delve deep to recover, believes Peter, else “it’s like piloting a plane, without going into the cockpit.”

For more information about Peter Bippus and his work, please visit his website, peterbtherapy.com.

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Known for her signature brand of warmth and humor, all of Shadeen’s work is inspired by her commitment to helping people live lives full of peace and pleasure. In this episode, Joe and Shadeen discuss the transformative power of pleasure. And how we can increase assets like pleasure in our lives.

Beyond orgasms and sex, Shadeen believes pleasure is a very necessary part of our wellbeing and that we need to make more room for it. “We march for the wage gap,” she says. “but we don’t march for the orgasm gap!”

For more information about Shadeen Francis and her work, please visit her website, shadeenfrancis.com.

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Charon practices at The Center for Relationships and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan. She specializes in working with individuals seeking support navigating erotic, gender and sexual identity challenges; alternative relationships; and trauma, utilizing a strengths-based, psychodynamic, mindfulness-based approach. Charon uses Somatic therapy seeks to help individuals learn to self-regulate, “I teach clients how to track their own bodies.”

But what is somatic psychotherapy? And how is this therapy helpful for couples and individuals? Charon believes that our bodies hold to the key to our mental sexual stance. “How embodied are you?” she asks. “We withhold things in our physical body. Anxiety is a body memory of a time that we felt useless. You have issues in your tissues. So, asking yourself how ‘IN’ body you are, helps those issues in the tissues!”

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Forty percent of Americans age 65 to 80 are sexually active. Before the COVID containment, sexually transmitted infections were on the rise in nursing homes. Even if they’re unable to perform sexually, most older people never lose their desire for intimacy, in whatever form it might take. “Regardless of how their bodies look on the outside, inside they feel young and want intimacy,” says Brian.

Named “the godfather of gay diversity training” by The New York Times, Brian McNaught is considered one of the world’s leading corporate diversity consultants dealing with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer issues in the workplace. He is also the author of seven books on LGBT issues.

When services are created for LGBTQ older adults, we think about their physical and emotional health. Does it occur to us, though, that maybe we’re failing to address a most important component of senior’s emotional health, the need to feel intimacy?

“Before you help an older person out the door, let’s help someone through their door,” says Brian. “Give them their moment of bliss!”

Find Brian at:

https://www.brian-mcnaught.com/

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Gay men are constantly referring to and defining themselves as “tops”, “bottoms”, “Verse”, Top Verse, Bottom Verse”.  When they consider dating or simply hooking up, gay men typically ask the other guy what he is, as it relates to anal sex.

Gay men are rigidly defined by penetrative sex. There’s so much talk and discussion about who gives and who receives. I’ve had straight people tell me that they assumed that most gay guys simply take turns. Yes, some do, but some don’t. But what if a guy isn’t a top, a bottom or even versatile? What about gay men who have never engaged in anal sex and never will, ever? What if they tried it and didn’t enjoy it and never do it again?

Joe thinks they deserve a name of their own. He coined the phrase, “sides.” As Bradley says, “Love and intimacy can exist without the lens of penetration.”

Sides typically struggle with tremendous feelings of shame. They secretly believe that they should be engaging in and enjoying anal sex, and that something must be wrong with them if they are not.

It’s high time for sides to come out and feel proud and secure about their sexuality. As Jason says, “The more visibility there is for sides, the better.”

Find Bradley at:

YouTube: https://youtube.com/bradleybirkholz

Social media: @bradleybirkholz

Website: https://bradleybirkholz.com

Find Jason at:

https://www.facebook.com/jason.villarrealfrias

For more on Side Guys, read Joe’s article here:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/guys-on-the-side-looking-beyond-gay-tops-and-bottoms_b_3082484

And join Joe’s Side Guys Group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/sideguys

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On this episode, Joe chats about the out-of-control sexual behavior model, with licensed marriage and sex therapist, Michael Vigorito – Co-author of ‘Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior – Rethinking Sex Addiction.’

The truth is, that in trainings for sex addiction treatment, there lacks a mandatory sexual health and sex therapy component. Without a sexually informed model, it is easy for therapists to pathologize sexual behaviors and not provide effective treatment. The term ‘sex addiction’ is thrown around like confetti, and that needs to stop!

“We need to walk through these moments of being ‘ping-ed’ by your desire,” says Michael, and not stand in judgement of one’s sexual problematic behavior.

Find Michael at:

http://michaelvigorito.com

And, his book, at: http://michaelvigorito.com/book

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Millions of people turn to online dating apps or social networking sites to meet someone. But instead of finding romance, many find a scammer trying to trick them into sending money. And Joe knows exactly how that feels, because he too is a victim of romance fraud hell!

About 10 years ago, Joe got a very curious message.

It was from a woman who said she was in love with a person who had been using photographs Joe had posted over the years of himself and his nephews and nieces (who were minors at the time). Although they gave a different name, they were using Joe’s images in an effort to scam their way into people’s hearts. “Would you be willing to talk to me?”  this woman asked. She wanted to process what had happened to her and felt a connection to him since all of the pictures of Joe were stolen from his social media accounts. Joe said he was a therapist, a happily married gay man, and would be willing to speak with her in the context of a consultation. Beyond that, she should report this scam to Facebook.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first time this happened. Since then Joe has been the unwitting victim of more than 100 romance identity scams!

He turned to ScamHaters United for help. And his guest today is Ruth Grover, founder of ScamHaters.

Ruth is a widow from the UK, who was a victim of online romance fraud herself, which led her to set up ScamHaters and expose these vile fraudsters. She has supported thousands of scam victims over the past eight years.

Last year, people reported losing $201 million to romance scams. People reported losing more money to romance scams in the past two years than to any other fraud reported to the FTC!

Romance scammers are cruel. For the women, the victims and the men used like Joe. Cruel especially because victims like Joe, have no choice in being used and we can do little about it….

For more on why it’s easy to be exploited when we’re lonely, read Joe’s article here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-the-erotic-code/202010/scammed-when-online-romance-is-fake

If you need help with an online romance fraud, find Ruth at: https://www.instagram.com/scamhaters.united/ & https://www.scamhatersunited.com/

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Relationships are sometimes complicated and finding out your partner is cheating on you can be devastating.  It can feel like the relationship is over and nothing can be done to save it. The truth is, current studies show that recovery from infidelity can happen successfully, and your relationship will be better than ever on the other side.

Renelle, who works in Arizona, is an infidelity/intimacy recovery strategist, and believes we need to take responsibility for our feelings. “Often we want the person that hurt us, to heal us,” she says. “But you’re hiding in your righteousness. Couples don’t grow apart, they stop communicating. You can’t assume monogamy. Couples need to discuss what they want in their relationship, because infidelity breeds in darkness. Cheating is a choice. Never assume. Discuss!”

So, how do you deal with, and recover from infidelity? Let’s find out….

Find Renelle at:
Instagram | Affair Aftercare Instagram | Website

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Anna thinks we are far more sexually explorative than we’d often like to admit, and that you are not alone, or ‘weird,’ if you want to have a kinky relationship!  “You can’t pull the kink out of a person,” says Anna.

People with kinky fantasies often feel highly stigmatized too. So, Joe and Anna delve into why it is so hard for some people to share their kinky side…

Find Dr. Randall at:
Website | Facebook

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Hani is located in Bethesda, Maryland, with her private practice. She has trained and supervised therapists and professionals in the field of human sexuality throughout the world. Plus, she is the author of two books, including the clinically revered, Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists. On this show, Joe and Hani discuss one of the most taboo sexual subjects out there; mother-son incest.

As Joe says, “When a man sexually abuses it’s more overt. But when a woman does it, particularly a mother, it’s more covert.”  Hani agrees, and goes on to point out that most mother-son incest perpetrators tend to be, “very needy women.” Despite society’s denial of it, mother-son incest does happen, but most people don’t want to think about it, talk about it, or do anything about it. Let’s find out why….

Find Dr. Hani Miletski at: 

www.DrMiletski.com

Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists is available in soft cover and as an e-book at: www.DrMiletski.com

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Leyla is a licensed psychologist trained in the United States and provides multicultural sex and relationship therapy to culturally diverse clients around the globe. She has lived, worked, and traveled extensively in North America, Europe, the Middle East, North Africa and South Asia. Leyla is originally from Turkey and conducts sessions in both English and Turkish.

In addition to her clinical practice, Leyla has worked to strengthen sexual rights worldwide, particularly in Asia and the Middle East. She is the co-founder of the Turkish NGO Women for Women’s Human Rights.  Leyla believes therapists need to be explicit about the role their own cultural background plays in the therapy they give. “Therapists really need to be explicit about that,” says Leyla, “Otherwise it can prevent you serving your client well.”

Find Leyla at:
Website 

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Based in Los Angeles, Kate talks about saving or splitting from your relationship and asking yourself the hardest question of all, ‘should I stay, or should I go?’ “People often make the mistake of thinking one unhappy home is better for their kids than two separate homes,” says Kate. “But it’s better to have your children in a happy environment 50 percent of the time, than be in a toxic home 100 percent of their time. You have to ask yourself, ‘Do I want to put my kids in the middle of my divorce, or at the center of it?’ If you take your ego out of your split and remove your desire to ‘win’, you can break up much more successfully!” In other words, it’s the difference between putting your child in the middle of your power struggle or protecting them.

Find Kate at:
Website | Instagram

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Eleni is located in Rochester NY where her work focuses on helping her clients address concerns around sexuality and relationships. On this show, Joe and Eleni discuss how best to talk to your teenagers about masturbation.

As Eleni says, masturbation is a healthy milestone for our teens and is a very normal part of our sexual development. Teaching them to do it right (as an act of self-love, body awareness and self-soothing) is a gift that will serve them for life. “Don’t underestimate your influence as a parent on your teenager,” says Eleni. “Yes, masturbation is a difficult subject to talk to your kids about. But, be brave and guide them!”

Find Eleni Economides at:
Website

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“Sex is a skill set,” says Meagan, “And most of us have many obstacles that prevent us from tapping into those skills. I help people take control of their sex lives.” Joe and Meagan talk about how mindful sex can help you be more satisfied in bed, plus, and more importantly, love yourself more wholeheartedly. This episode is all about sex positivity!

Find Meagan Narvaez at:
Website | Podcast | Facebook

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Cathy wants people to know that perimenopause and menopause, does not have to be a negative experience. Sure, it can be challenging, especially when we are not informed, but it can be managed! We need to make it less of a taboo subject and more of a health conversation.

Cathy aims to normalize this change of life and talk openly about it! She says this part of a woman’s growth can be sexually satisfying and does not need to be feared. Joe and Cathy talk about what ‘midlife crisis’ can mean to both women, and their partners, how to still be sexually active with the best lubes out there, and everything in-between!This episode is sponsored by 

LetsGetChecked –  a fast, affordable, and always confidential, at-home male hormone test kit. New LetsGetChecked customers get 20% off by using our special discount code JOE20 at checkout. Go to: www.trylgc.com/joe

Find Cathy Saputo at:
Website | Facebook

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These girls pride themselves on being open books! ‘Reasons Why I’m Single’ discusses the ups and downs (hint: mostly “downs”) and mayhem that ensues in the world of dating today. The girls join Joe to talk all things, ‘Relationship Killers,’ – what to look out for, how to navigate the bad stuff, and how to deal with baggage from previous relationship experiences, to be able to move on in love. As Chelsie says, “You don’t want your relationship to feel like a job! You need to find a partner that helps you put on your clothes after sex, as well as taking them off you beforehand!”

The girls believe that, in the long run, trust and communication with your partner will be more successful, than a bunch of luggage from failed matches. Plus, they advise dating with RuPaul’s words firmly at the forefront of your mind, “If you can’t love yourself, how are you going to love anyone else?!”

Find Chelsie & Staci at:
Podcast | Facebook

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Last year, Amber, along with her business partner, hosted the first ever ‘9 to Thrive’ women’s empowerment conference in downtown Detroit. She is a frequent speaker at industry events and has a lot to say on the use of social media, especially dating apps and what real romance is like today. “Instead of looking to find the right partner, become the right partner yourself!” says Amber. “Your self-care comes first.”

Amber spills the beans about modern dating expectations and how to navigate them. Plus, we chat about the differences between dating in your 20s versus your 30s. Amber’s top dating tip? “Have a wise counsel around you – it really, really helps!”

Find Amber Boone at:
Website | Podcast | Facebook

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But, finding time for self-care and sex as a parent, is tough. Even more so now, during Covid-19.  “Self-care is challenging under the best of times,” says Dr. Fleming. “Today, (with quarantine) we are in unprecedented times. The first thing people should do is give themselves a big pat on the back!” She goes on to say, “There’s a reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first on an airplane – when we take time for our own self-care, we actually have more to give!”

Find Dr. Fleming at:
Website | Podcast | Facebook

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Dr Phillips wants to crush the myth that people with chronic illness and other disabilities are not sexual. Also, today, during Covid-19 many are dealing with anticipatory grief as well, and that plays into our sex lives too. “People are very scared about what the future holds,” says Dr. Phillips. “Right now as a world, we’re in fear about what’s going to happen to us, and that can also make having a sex life difficult.”

But, despite this,  Lee believes that couples can overcome shame, and sexual limitations caused by illness, (or Covid fear)  to reclaim a sex life that works for them!

Find Dr. Phillips at:
Website | Facebook

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Dr. Berman says sexual health issues are often sensitive topics for people to discuss and most people don’t realize that there’s a world of help available to them. “Women are much more complicated and multifaceted than men,” says Dr. Berman. “When it comes to sex, when sexual issues crop up, it’s almost like death, like an aspect of you dies. There’s a lot of shame and a lot of guilt. When women do eventually seek sexual health help, it’s like a seed of hope is planted.”

Find Dr. Berman at:
Website | Facebook | Youtube

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“You deserve to be happy,” says Liz. “In order to make that happen you have to choose a good tribe!” Liz, a psychotherapist with a passion for helping people change their lives, specializes in anxiety, depression, addiction, as well as family issues. “Often, we think that since we share a bond with family, a DNA with them, that they are the people that we need to be with, no matter what they say or do to us, or how they make us feel. That just simply isn’t true. You can find a fabulous family, a fabulous tribe of people from perfect strangers as long as you are looking for the right people, says Liz.  “Toxic people in our lives are energy vampires! They destroy our energy. They’re abusive, unsupportive, unhealthy and emotionally negative to us. And we just really don’t realize the damage they’re doing. We think that’s my mom, my dad, my brother or sister, a good friend of 40 years and I should be able to look past that, and just accept them, because that’s what society says. That simply isn’t true!”

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Podcast

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Find Dave at:

IT In the D | Podcast Detroit

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“It’s not people that are problematic,” says Skip. “It’s the behaviors! HIV is a disease that anybody that has ever had unprotected sex is at risk for.” Skip believes HIV is very treatable, regardless of income or insurance status in Michigan. “Everybody needs to be tested. If infected, get treatment, if unaffected, prevention is available. Too many people equate sexuality with intimacy. I say, ‘safer sex’ not, ‘safe sex!’”

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Plus, why “physical distancing” is a better term than “social distancing.” We have to stay socially connected through this. Community building, togetherness and emotional connections via electronic devices is imperative for our mental health!

Learn more about the signs and what you should do if you believe you may have Covid-19 at the CDC website, HERE

Telehealth is available through our office at CRSH.com. Call us to learn more 248-399-7447

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“People come to me online because they need an outlet,” says Lexi. “They don’t have their needs covered in their vanilla life. You can’t walk around in society seeking extreme domination – you need a safe community to go play. That’s what I and others like me provide. A safe outlet for kinks.”

Connect with Mistress Lexi:
Twitter

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Rachel asks, “Why would God create our bodies with so many pleasure nerve endings if He/She didn’t want us to use them?”

Connect with Rachel Keller:
Website

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“You need to accept your partner can view you in a light that you may not see yourself,” says Amanda. “We need to validate and include the unique experience of the person that is right in front of you and be more present for sex. Then you can more easily be your authentic sexual selves.”

Check out Amanda’s workshop on Erotic Empathy on the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes Website HERE!

Connect with Amanda Luterman:
Website | Workshop | Facebook

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They talk about bisexuality, pansexuality, asexuality and sexual fluidity; the myths, the definitions, the disparities and the ways to become more bi-affirmative.

Dr. Mimi’s steadfast leadership has earned her multiple awards, and she’s been named ‘One of the Most Significant Women in the Bisexual Movement.’ She currently works at Loyola Marymount University, LA, and is the creator of the ‘Bi on Life’ self-empowerment series. “People have very different ways to define themselves these days,” says Mimi.

Connect with Dr. Mimi Hoang:
Website | Facebook

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Connect with Mark Sing:
Podcast | Website

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Connect with Dr. Stephanie Buehler:
Website | Twitter

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Together, they discuss why racial justice is an important topic in the sexuality field, and why intersectionality is so important for us to understand. “It’s not about being right, it’s about being understood,” says Bianca.

Connect with Bianca I Laureano:
Website | Facebook

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Together, they discuss why racial justice is an important topic in the sexuality field, and why intersectionality is so important for us to understand. “It’s not about being right, it’s about being understood,” says Bianca.

Connect with Bianca I Laureano:
Website | Facebook

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Connect with L.A. Jamison:
Website

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Connect with Ruby Ryder:
Website | Twitter 

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Silva tells us about alternative treatments for compulsive sexual behaviors that, in his view, are far more effective than ‘traditional’ sex addiction therapies.

Want to read more on this topic, read Dr. Kort’s article entitled:  “Recovering from Sex Addiction Treatment” on PsychologyToday.com.

Connect with Silva Neves:
Website | Twitter 

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Want to read more on the topic? Check out my article on Psychology Today: http://bit.ly/2MIsw8E

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Want to read more on the topic? Check out my article on Psychology Today: http://bit.ly/2MIsw8E

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Connect with Jared Boot:
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Connect with Dr. Neil Cannon:
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Connect with Joan Price:
Website | Facebook

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She believes that to make a marriage work you have to, “put your ego aside and your kids first!” Hear Joe and Jennifer discuss what a divorce can really look like, and, if your marriage is truly over, how to navigate back into the world of dating.

Connect with Jennifer Hurvitz :
Website | Facebook

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Connect with Raquelle ‘Rocki ‘ Harris :
Website | Facebook

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We have a society of men who feel unable to speak up about these concerns and often sit with it, which causes them to have emotional distress which can result in depression, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and health issues related to excessive exercise and rigid food consumption. Listen as Joe and Pennsylvanian therapist Chris Wilson, chat about the emotional distress men can experience with the pressures on them to have the ‘perfect’ body, and how social media and celebrities play their part in men’s body image dysmorphia. For men’s mental health, “we need to break this code of silence men have on talking about their bodies,” says Chris.

Connect with Dr. Wilson:
Website

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Connect with Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers:
Website  |  Facebook

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Find Jacob Rostovsky on:
Website |  Facebook

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Find Jo Langford on:
Website |  Facebook  |  Twitter

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Find James Gerardi on:
Facebook |  Amazon

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Find Dominic Davies on:
Website  | Twitter

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Find Rachel Needle on:
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Want to find out more? Visit Straightguise.com.

Find Joe Kort on:
Facebook  |  Website  |  Amazon

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Find the Webinar HERE!

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Twitter: Twitter.com/DrDavidLey

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Learn more about Dr. Lehmiller:
Website: Lehmiller.com
Facebook: Facebook.com/PsychologyOfSex
Twitter: Twitter.com/JustinLehmiller

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