In this episode of Healing for Love, I respond to a thoughtful question from a listener who describes a relationship that is supportive and stable - yet something important is missing.

Her partner is kind, affectionate, and easy to live with. But when it comes to emotional conversations, he rarely initiates them. Over time, she has begun to feel emotionally alone in the relationship.

This is a surprisingly common dynamic.

Many people find themselves in relationships where their partner cares deeply but struggles with emotional expression or emotional dialogue. The question then becomes: is this simply a difference in style, or does it signal something deeper about compatibility and emotional needs?

In this episode, I explore how to think about this situation from both perspectives.

We discuss:

• Why emotional intimacy matters in long term relationships
• The difference between low emotional dialogue and true emotional neglect
• How early experiences can shape someone’s emotional style
• The role schemas can play in how we interpret our needs in relationships
• Why feeling like a “burden” when expressing needs is often an important clue
• How to distinguish between lack of skill and lack of motivation in a partner
• Questions you can ask yourself to clarify what you truly need in a relationship
• How to communicate emotional needs in a constructive and specific way

Sometimes the most important shift is moving away from the question:

“How do I change my partner?”

And instead asking:

“What kind of emotional life do I want to live in my relationship?”

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering whether your emotional needs are “too much,” this episode will give you a thoughtful framework for understanding what’s really going on.

Links

FREE LIVE MASTERCLASS - 1ST APRIL

Why You Keep Falling for Emotionally Unavailable Men - Even When You Know Better

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

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🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Hey, if you'd like to reduce your chances of future relationship regret, then come to my free live training: Join here

Have you ever looked back on a past relationship and thought:

Why did I stay so long?
Why didn’t I see the signs earlier?
If only I had done something differently…

Relationship regret can be incredibly painful. Many people find themselves stuck replaying the past, analysing every decision and blaming themselves for how things turned out.

But in this episode, I explain why this mental loop is not actually helping us heal.

In psychology, the “should have, could have, would have” pattern is known as counterfactual thinking. It’s a form of rumination where the mind tries to solve an unsolvable problem - the past.

And while it feels like we are trying to understand what happened, what is often happening underneath is emotional avoidance.

Beneath regret there is usually something much more vulnerable:

Grief.

Grief about the relationship.
Grief about what we hoped it would be.
Grief about the loss of the future we imagined.

In this episode, I explore:

• Why regret often keeps us stuck in rumination
• The psychology of counterfactual thinking
• Why self-blame is so common after difficult relationships
• How rumination can block emotional healing
• The grief that often sits underneath regret
• Why painful relationships are not “wasted time”
• How our schemas influence what we tolerate in relationships
• How to shift from self-blame to insight and growth
• Simple ways to respond differently when regret arises

I also look at an important reframe:

Relationships are often our greatest teachers.

Even the painful ones can reveal important truths about our emotional needs, our patterns, and the schemas that shape our relationship choices.

When we approach our past with compassion rather than self-blame, we open the door to healing and to making wiser choices in the future.

If this episode resonates with you

Many of the women who join my Love Wisely program come with this same question:

"Why did I end up in relationships like that?"

Inside the program we explore the deeper psychological patterns behind attraction, schemas, and relationship choices - and how to create healthier relationships going forward.

You can learn more about Love Wisely on my website.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

In Part 2 of this series, I continue unpacking the darker red flags that often show up early in dating – the ones that are easy to dismiss but costly to ignore.

These are not minor quirks. They are patterns that predict future control, manipulation, blame-shifting, entitlement and emotional instability.

In this episode, I explore:

• What I call “future mirroring” – a subtle form of love bombing designed to accelerate closeness
• The chronic victim stance and how trauma dumping can be used as manipulation
• Why repeated stories of being “wrongly accused” deserve careful attention
• Exaggerated reactions to frustration, shame or not getting their way
• How to recognise blame shifting early
• Why high chemistry without character is not compatibility
• How to strengthen your intuitive muscle and trust your internal data

If you’ve ever felt confused, slightly uneasy or pressured in early dating but talked yourself out of it – this episode is for you.

I also share details about the upcoming round of Love Wisely, beginning April 16, and how you can join the priority list.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Not all red flags are equal.

Some signal incompatibility.
Others signal something much darker.

In this episode, I’m breaking down the first three of my Top Five Dark Red Flags in Early Dating - the traits that, in my clinical experience, rarely improve with time and often predict controlling or deeply problematic relationship dynamics.

If you’ve ever found yourself:

• Ignoring your gut
• Giving someone “the benefit of the doubt”
• Talking yourself out of discomfort
• Wanting to be the easygoing, understanding one

This episode is for you.

I explore:

• Why people-pleasing schemas can keep you in situations you already know aren’t right
• How subtle pushiness can signal future control
• Why arrogance is one of the most dangerous personality traits to overlook
• The difference between confidence and entitlement
• How love bombing can be used strategically
• What “future mirroring” is and why it hooks so many intelligent women

I also explain why what you feel in your body matters - and how to recognise when someone is testing your compliance rather than building real connection.

This is not about demonising people.
It’s about helping you see clearly.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Here's a nurturing gift for you

Let me know if you'd like more meditations like this 🩷🩷

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Many women struggle in relationships without ever being taught one essential truth: you are allowed to have emotional needs.

In this episode of Healing for Love, Gemma explores the concept of core emotional needs through a schema therapy lens and explains why unmet needs sit at the heart of so many repeating relationship patterns.

You’ll learn how unmet emotional needs shape schemas like abandonment, emotional deprivation, subjugation, self-sacrifice and approval-seeking and why these patterns often lead women into relationships that feel unsafe, one-sided, controlling or emotionally barren.

This episode is especially relevant if you have ever:

• Felt guilty for wanting “too much” in relationships
• Struggled to name your needs or voice your preferences
• Found yourself prioritising others while neglecting yourself
• Stayed in relationships that felt familiar but deeply unsatisfying

Find out all about the six core emotional needs 

Key Takeaway

A healthy relationship is not about chemistry or intensity.
It is about how consistently your core emotional needs are met.

Work With Gemma

• Join the Love Wisely priority list for the April intake
• Stay tuned for details of a free training coming up
• Apply for limited 1:1 coaching places currently available

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

In today’s episode, I answer a short but powerful question that came in anonymously:

“Hi Gemma, I cannot even get a match, let alone a date. What the hell is wrong with me?”

If you’ve ever stared at a dating app wondering why nothing is happening and quietly concluded “it must be me”, this episode is for you.

I'll look at three key areas:

• The reality of modern dating apps – why they create a distorted, “smorgasbord” environment where incredible, emotionally available people are often overlooked.
• Other people’s issues – how emotional immaturity, avoidance and misaligned intentions show up on the apps (and why you can’t control that).
• Your schemas and your “type” – how schema chemistry and rigid “type” criteria might be leading you towards emotionally unavailable partners and away from people who could actually be good for you.

I’ll invite you to:

• Re-examine how you’re presenting yourself on the apps (without becoming a slave to what you think men want).
• Widen the pool by giving a chance to the “6 or 7 out of 10” guys (ie, the level of chemistry you feel! I'm not rating people!) who feel kind, calm and safe – rather than only chasing the intense 10/10 chemistry.
• Remember that your worth, lovability and desirability are not measured in matches.

If you’re feeling discouraged or asking “what’s wrong with me?”, I want you to know: you are not the problem. Dating apps are hard and your current results say nothing about your deeper value or your capacity for a healthy, loving relationship.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why so many wonderful women and emotionally available men get passed over on dating apps
• How our throwaway, dopamine-driven culture affects the way people swipe
• Why leading with highly sexualised photos can accidentally screen out good men
• How schema chemistry pulls you towards what’s “familiar” rather than what’s healthy
• How to gently expand beyond your usual “type”
• Practical ways to pace yourself and protect your emotional wellbeing while dating

Resources mentioned:

• Free guide: Dating with Insight – download via the link in the show notes.
• Love Wisely – my 12-week online group program for women who want to break their pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable, narcissistic or avoidant partners. Doors open again in March – join the priority waitlist via the link in the show notes.
• Episode 130 – on cultivating a new dating mindset (

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

We hear the term “emotionally unavailable” all the time, yet many women are not sure what the opposite actually looks like in real life. In this episode, Gemma breaks down emotional availability in clear, practical terms, so you can recognise it early, feel safer in your body and stop settling for relationships that leave you guessing.

Gemma also explores how schemas like Emotional Deprivation and Abandonment shape what feels “normal” in love, why emotionally safe partners can feel boring or suspicious at first, and how you can slowly retrain your nervous system to relax into healthy connection.

In this episode, you will learn:

• What the Emotional Deprivation schema is
  • How it forms in childhood
  • Why it makes it hard to identify and express your needs
• Why you can consciously want an emotionally available partner yet keep feeling pulled toward distance, inconsistency, or intensity
• How schemas and your unconscious “love template” drive partner choice and keep you in familiar but unfulfilling patterns
• Ten signs of an emotionally available partner, including someone who:
  1. Takes an active interest in you, asks thoughtful questions, remembers details, and wants to know your inner world
  2. Has actions that match their words, shows up consistently, and follows through
  3. Is emotionally responsive, listens when you are vulnerable, validates your feelings, and attempts repair after conflict
  4. Is predictable rather than chaotic, so your nervous system can settle instead of living on high alert
  5. Is willing to talk about the relationship and co create something with you instead of avoiding emotional conversations
  6. Has emotional self awareness, can name their feelings, take responsibility, and does not shame you for having emotions
  7. Shows care through steady, thoughtful actions that leave you feeling valued and appreciated
  8. Allows closeness without pulling away or going hot and cold after intimacy
  9. Makes room for your needs and respects your boundaries, instead of calling you “too needy” when you ask for contact or reassurance
  10. Is kind in a felt way - gentle with your vulnerabilities, respectful in conflict, and emotionally generous
• Why emotional availability can feel “boring” or even suspicious if you grew up with chaos, distance, or inconsistency
• A real life example from a Love Wisely client who noticed her physical tension drop when she finally dated someone emotionally available
• How to start looking at your own relationship history through the lens of schemas and emotional availability so you can c

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Dating can stir up every schema you have. If you have a history of emotionally unavailable partners, narcissistic relationships or spending years in situationships that never really went anywhere, getting back out there can feel both hopeful and terrifying.

In this episode I walk you through ten grounded mindset shifts that help you stay in Healthy Adult mode while you date so you can notice red flags, take in green flags and stop abandoning yourself in the process.

I talk about:

• Why dating is data
• How to shift the goal from “finding the one” to “showing up grounded and observant”
• How to stay open to experience and still be discerning
• What it means to embrace ambiguity without losing yourself, especially if you have an abandonment schema
• Why you need to replace “stay positive” with “stay real” so you do not slide into the “super easygoing, no needs” people pleasing role
• The power of focusing on internal milestones, not external outcomes
• How to normalise the emotional rollercoaster of dating when schemas and old attachment wounds get activated
• What it looks like to cultivate self trust over outcome obsession
• How to reframe rejection as clarity, especially when ghosting or avoidant behaviour shows you who someone really is
• Why breaking the pattern of fantasy thinking is essential if you tend to fall for potential rather than reality
• The protective power of letting people reveal themselves over time

This episode is for you if:

• You have a history of choosing emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners
• You find it very hard to tolerate uncertainty in early dating
• You often override your needs because you do not want to be “too much” or “difficult”
• You get attached quickly and then feel anxious, preoccupied and on edge
• You want a practical, compassionate framework for dating differently

1:1 coaching
If you would like to explore working with me privately you can email me at hello@drgemmagladstone.com for details on my coaching packages.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

In this episode, Gemma unpacks The Sorry Reflex - the automatic urge to apologise, even when we’ve done nothing wrong. Rooted in the subjugation schema, this coping behaviour often begins in childhood, where expressing needs or disagreeing felt unsafe. When our nervous system equates disapproval with danger, “sorry” becomes a way to stay safe and connected.

Gemma explains how this pattern shows up in dating, relationships, and everyday interactions - especially for women conditioned to be accommodating. You’ll learn to identify your triggers (tone changes, sighs, silence), notice the body’s reaction, and experiment with opposite action to retrain your nervous system.

You’ll also hear a real-life success story from one of Gemma’s Love Wisely group members, plus guidance on combining schema therapy and EMDR to heal the deeper beliefs beneath chronic apologising.

If you’re tired of shrinking yourself, over-explaining or feeling guilty for taking up space, this episode will help you shift from “sorry” to self-trust.

Takeaways

• Over-apologising is a safety response, not good manners.
• Driven by subjugation, approval-seeking, and self-sacrifice schemas.
• Triggers: subtle signs of disapproval—tone, delay, sigh, silence.
• Body cues: chest tightness, racing heart, hyper-empathy.
• Short-term relief, long-term self-erasure.
• Opposite action = growth and rewiring.
• You can disappoint someone and still be safe and loved.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

If you are asking can this improve, this episode gives you a simple lens. Gemma unpacks two essential capacities that predict whether change is possible in a relationship. You will hear why the brain repeats what is familiar, how schemas drive loops and how to assess real readiness for growth in yourself and in someone you are dating.

In this episode

• Why patterns repeat even when you want something different
• The role of schemas in attraction, conflict and coping
• Two essentials that predict change
• Why avoidance blocks growth
• Dating as data, plus a new way to date with self awareness

Are you ready to join Love Wisely? Doors open again in Feb 26. 

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

What limerence really is, why it hooks into our deepest unmet needs and how to gently unhook using a schema-therapy lens.

In Part 2, Gemma explores limerence as a preoccupying, often intoxicating state that’s fueled by unmet needs - with abandonment and emotional deprivation schemas usually at the core. She explains why the brain’s reward systems (hello, dopamine) and a quieted prefrontal cortex can hijack rationality, making red flags easy to miss. You’ll learn practical, compassionate ways to reduce rumination, interrupt mental loops and begin reparenting the vulnerable parts that long for consistent care. Gemma also speaks to when limerence turns into a relationship (and why those tend to be high “schema chemistry”) and offers realistic hope for moving toward grounded, secure love.

Key takeaways

• Limerence = unmet needs + brain rewards. It’s human, common, and often temporary; shame isn’t helpful.
• Schemas under the hood: Abandonment (primary) and emotional deprivation are frequent drivers; attachment style can be a clue, but schemas give the nuance.
• “Schema chemistry” alert: Relationships born from intense limerence often trigger old wounds on both sides.
• Stop feeding the loop: Reduce cues (no social stalking, no photo scrolling). Notice → name → turn your mind.
• Circuit breakers that help: Mindfulness, imagery/rumination interruption, exercise, novelty/learning, supportive people, flow-state activities.
• Reparenting matters: Daily, gentle practices to meet needs consistently will dilute schemas over time.
• When to get help: If limerence becomes distressing, incapacitating or escalates into harmful behaviours, seek professional support.

Practical steps you can try

1. Name it: “This is the limerence loop.”
2. Reduce reinforcement: Unfollow/mute; remove reminders.
3. Shift attention: Choose a grounding task (walk, call a friend, learn something new).
4. Reparenting micro-rituals: Daily check-ins with your vulnerable part; write a brief caring letter to yourself.
5. Track triggers: Note what sparks rumination and plan alternatives.
6. Therapeutic support: Look for schema-informed, experiential work.

Mentioned in this episode

• Coaching spaces now open with Gemma (limited).
• Love Wisely group coaching: next intake planned for late Feb '26 (waitlist in links).
• Reviews really help. Please rate on your podcast app.
• Contact: hello@drgemmagladstone.com

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

🎁 Download Free Guide: Dating With Insight  

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list for Feb '26

💛 Access Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

If you’ve ever been mentally and emotionally stuck on someone - checking for “signs,” fantasising a future and riding waves of hope and anxiety, then you may have experienced limerence.  In Part 1, Gemma explains what limerence is (and isn’t), why uncertainty and fantasy make it so sticky and why the real issue isn’t the person (the “limerent object”) but your unmet emotional needs.  You’ll also hear where the concept came from and why it’s often confused with attachment or “true love.”

In this episode, you’ll learn

• A plain-English definition of limerence and how it differs from attraction or love
• The two core fuels: uncertainty and intermittent reward (via fantasies and mixed signals)
• How imagery, rumination, and dopamine loops keep the crush alive
• Why limerence can last months or years and why it often doesn’t lead to healthy, secure relationships
• The link with schemas and unmet needs (preview for Part 2)
• Gentle first steps to reduce the hijack (without shaming yourself)

Key takeaways

• Limerence is an internal state - more about your needs than about them.
• Fantasy offers temporary relief but reinforces the loop.
• Clarity ends limerence (rejection, genuine mutuality, or transferring the preoccupation) - but self-understanding is what prevents the next loop.

Try this (starter steps)

• Notice and name: “This is limerence, not reality.”
• Pause the imagery: limit cues, put boundaries around fantasising/daydreaming.
• Reality-check: list what you actually know vs what you’re imagining.
• Re-invest in life: micro-wins, movement, sleep, friend time, creative focus.
• Journal prompt: “What core need am I trying to meet through this fantasy (safety, worth, belonging, soothing)? How else can I meet it today?”

Teaser for Part 2
How schemas (abandonment, emotional deprivation, defectiveness, approval-seeking) wire us for limerence and a step-by-step plan to unwind it, rebuild self-trust, and stop repeating the pattern.

Resources mentioned

• The early research on limerence (originating in the late 20th century)
• Att

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

 A listener asks: “What exactly is narcissism and how can I tell if I’m dating someone with narcissistic traits?” In this episode, Gemma breaks narcissism down into plain English. You’ll learn why it’s best understood as a personality style on a spectrum, how narcissistic coping modes show up through self-absorption and poor tolerance for your subjectivity and the concrete signs to look for in the early dating stage. We also cover boundaries, reciprocity and practical ways to tune into - and trust - your internal radar.

What you’ll learn

• Narcissism 101: spectrum vs diagnosed NPD; why “narcissistic modes” matter
• The central feature: self-absorption (and why it erodes empathy & reciprocity)
• Early dating indicators: shallow interest, interrupting, image obsession, contempt/arrogance, running down exes, boundary-pushing
• Reality-checks for boundaries & differences: how they handle “no,” cancellations and disagreement
• Why narcissistic dynamics chip away at self-worth and how to protect yours
• A calm process for getting to know someone across contexts (and why to go slow)

Try this - self-check prompts on a date

• Do I feel seen, heard and not rushed?
• Can I say “no” or disagree without payback or sulking?
• Is attention reciprocal over time (not just in bursts)?
• Do their words match behaviour when it costs them something?

Resources & links

• Download: Dating With Insight - After-Date Reflection Guide (free)
• Join the Love Wisely priority list for the next round
• Ask Gemma a question for the podcast: hello@drgemmagladstone.com
  
  
• If this helped, please leave a review on your podcast app - it really supports the show.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Enrollments are Open, Doors Close Wednesday 17th 11:59PM (AEST)

In this short bonus episode, I’m giving you a clear picture of what’s inside my 12-week group coaching program, Love Wisely, which begins Wednesday, September 24th.

This program is for women who are ready to break free from old relationship patterns - especially the pull toward emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners and finally rewrite their Love Template so they can choose relationships that feel safe, secure, and deeply fulfilling.

Here’s what you’ll receive inside Love Wisely:
✨ Weekly 2-hour live group coaching calls (recorded if you can’t make it live).
✨ A private online portal with foundational schema lessons, guided worksheets, and meditations.
✨ A private Facebook group, a safe space for encouragement, connection, and support.
✨ Two powerful bonuses: the Healing Your Inner Child mini-course and the Elevate Your Worth audio lesson & self-hypnosis recording.
✨ A special follow-up session in February to help you stay focused, integrate what you’ve learned and start the new year grounded and clear.
✨ And for the first five women who enroll, a complimentary 75-minute 1:1 coaching session with me.

Most importantly, Love Wisely is heart-centred. It’s designed to meet you exactly where you are. Whether you’re dating, taking a break, or feeling disillusioned, you’ll feel nurtured, supported and guided every step of the way.

We begin September 24th and finish on December 17th - the perfect time to complete the program before the holiday season and walk into the new year with clarity, confidence, hope and a plan!

👉 Doors close Wednesday, September 17th at midnight. Enrolment details are in the show notes.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

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Gemma answers the most common questions she’s received about Love Wisely and widens the lens to address the deeper fears and limiting beliefs that stop women from changing their relationship patterns. You’ll learn how schemas (like abandonment, emotional deprivation, defectiveness/shame, subjugation, approval-seeking and unrelenting standards) quietly shape attraction, tolerance, and your choices and what it looks like to shift from fear-driven decisions to wise, Healthy Adult decisions.

What You’ll Learn

• Why “I want love” is not neediness and why there’s no shame in wanting a partner, the goal is a good partner.
• 5 fears that keep you stuck (and the schemas beneath them):
  1. “What if I can’t change?” → defectiveness, hopelessness; how willingness and skills create traction.
  2. “What if I’m behind everyone else?” → inner critic, comparison traps; using the paradoxical theory of change (accept where you are to move forward).
  3. “I’ve tried before and it didn’t work.” → learned helplessness; why the right framework goes deeper than tips.
  4. “Maybe I’m not meant to find love.” → self-fulfilling prophecy; moving from fate to agency and changing actions that drive outcomes.
  5. “There’s no one for me / no one could love me as I am.” → defectiveness/shame; how this belief warps dating behaviour and tolerance for crumbs.
• Rewriting your Love Template: bringing unconscious maps into the light, strengthening your Healthy Adult, and re-parenting vulnerable parts so they’re not making dating decisions.
• A hopeful reframe: your beliefs are learned, not destiny and learned beliefs can be unlearned.

Key Ideas & Takeaways

• Limiting beliefs are echoes of the past, not predictions of your future.
• Compare yourself only to your own trajectory, not to others.
• No relationship is a waste if you extract the learning.
• Real change is skills + practice: noticing triggers, choosing different responses, and getting out earlier when needed.
• You already have an innate wisdom, schema work helps you hear it again.

Who This Episode Is For

Women who want a healthy, emotionally available relationship and are ready to stop repeating patterns with unavailable or narcissistic partners.

Resources & Next Steps

• Join Love Wisely (12-week transformational group coaching) - doors close W

Support the show

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Connect with Me

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When your heart wants closeness but your “old map” keeps pulling you toward distance, you’re stuck in the Catch-22 of attraction. In this episode, Gemma explains how early schemas quietly shape who you’re drawn to, why “chemistry” so often points you toward the familiar (not the healthy), and what it takes to consciously rewrite your Love Template so you can choose emotionally available partners.

In this episode, you’ll learn

• What a schema is (quick primer) and why it’s more useful than attachment boxes
• How the Abandonment schema fuels anxious preoccupation, magical thinking, and self-fulfilling patterns
• Why Emotional Deprivation normalises giving a lot while rarely feeling seen or nurtured
• How Defectiveness/Shame covertly lowers your standards and tolerates poor treatment
• The role of Subjugation and Self-Sacrifice in silencing yourself early, then staying too long
• Why attraction isn’t random and how your Love Template (old map) picks partners for you on autopilot
• The Healthy Adult shift: moving from familiar chemistry to choosing steady, emotionally available partners

Key takeaways

• Attraction pulls toward what’s familiar, not necessarily what’s good.
• “I’ll just go with the flow” keeps you on autopilot; intentional dating rewrites the outcome.
• Knowledge is power BUT applied knowledge (with guidance) is transformation.
• Your patterns in romance often ripple into career, friendships, and self-worth, change one, and others shift.

Try this this week

1. Name your top 1–2 schemas you hear in this episode.
2. Write one “Healthy Adult” decision you’ll make before your next date (e.g., “If communication is inconsistent in the first 2 weeks, I’ll opt out kindly and early”).
3. List 3 signals of emotional availability you’ll move toward (e.g., follow-through, steady pace, repair after missteps).

Resources & next steps

• JOIN Love Wisely - NOW OPEN Enrollment closes 17th Sept ▶︎ Learn more

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

In this episode
I answer a listener Q from “Maddie,” who’s in post-breakup limbo with an avoidant ex. I unpack blurred boundaries after a breakup, why “staying friends” can quietly erode self-respect, how trauma bonds differ from schema-triggered dynamics, and what it really takes to let go when your abandonment schema is pulling you back. You’ll also get a simple Relationship Review exercise to spot your patterns so you can date with clearer self-trust next time.

What we cover

• The self-respect signal: why “staying friends” sometimes keeps you stuck
• Love-bombing vs. real intimacy (and why early declarations are a red flag)
• Trauma bonding 101: replication, familiarity and unmet needs
• Avoidant–anxious dynamics and why they feel magnetic but unstable
• “Hard work” vs. “healthy work” in relationships - a practical litmus test
• How to let go: grief, no-contact, and naming your modes without self-criticism
• The Relationship Review: a step-by-step way to map your patterns

Try this (listener worksheet prompts)

• “Where did I override red flags because of fear, guilt or hope?”
• “Which parts/modes showed up in me (e.g., Pleaser, Angry Protector, Vulnerable Child)?”
• “How did I actually feel most of the time in that relationship?”
• “What does ‘emotionally available’ need to look like for me, specifically?”

Resources mentioned

• Episode 104: The Good, the Bad and the Bond (trauma bonding explainer)
• Free guide: Dating With Insight: A Tune-In After Every Date (reflective prompts to help you notice how you felt in their presence)
• Free live masterclass: The Psychology of Attraction - why chemistry isn’t random and how schema chemistry pulls you toward the wrong partners
  • Live: Wednesday 10 September, 7:00pm AEST
  • Replay available to all who register

Is Love Wisely for you?
If you’re a self-aware woman with a history of emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners AND you’re ready to rewrite your Love Template™ the next 12-week Love Wisely group starts late September. Warm, structured and practical. 

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
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Why do caring, empathic women end up doing the heavy lifting in love, staying out of guilt and “rescuing” partners at the expense of their own needs? In this episode, Gemma unpacks the unconscious pull to fix others, how childhood patterns (self-sacrifice, subjugation, emotional deprivation) set the stage, and the real cost of over-functioning. You’ll learn how to shift from “fixer” to “feeler,” build healthy entitlement, and make self-supporting choices, even when guilt shouts loudly.

Key Takeaways

• Rescuing often masks self-abandonment learned in childhood; guilt can keep you stuck. 
• “Too much empathy” without objective distance leads to empathic distress and burnout. 
• Ask: Am I a partner or a parent/therapist/saviour in this dynamic?
• Build healthy entitlement: your needs matter and boundaries are an act of care. 
• Shift from fixing them to feeling you: journal, re-parent, seek support, and challenge all-or-nothing beliefs. 

Try This (Journal Prompts)

• “If I weren’t rescuing here, what feelings in me would surface?”
• “What belief equates caring for myself with hurting someone else?”
• “Where did I first learn that love = self-sacrifice?”
• “What would healthy reciprocity look like this week (one tangible boundary)?”

Resources Mentioned

• Free Live Masterclass (Sept 10) – The Psychology of Attraction: Why We Bond with Emotionally Unavailable Men (replay available).
• Work with Gemma – Coaching & the Love Wisely program (for women ready to rewrite their love template).

Rate & Review
If this helped you, a quick review on Apple or Spotify helps other women find the show. Thank you for being part of this work.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

 Every past relationship leaves clues.
 Patterns you’ve fallen into.
 The kinds of people you’re drawn to.
 The roles you find yourself playing without even realising it.

In this episode of Healing for Love, I’m walking you through 6 powerful reflection questions to help you see your love life more clearly and prepare you to approach dating in a new way.

These are the same questions I explore with my Love Wisely clients, because when you understand your patterns, you can finally break them.

The 6 Questions:
1️⃣ What patterns keep showing up?
2️⃣ What ‘types’ of partners are you drawn to?
3️⃣ What deeper patterns (schemas) might be playing out?
4️⃣ What role did you take on?
5️⃣ What did you tolerate that you wouldn’t today?
6️⃣ What red flags did you see but explained away?

This isn’t about blame! Don't get self-critical or judgmental, this is just about clarity. Because clarity is the first step to creating a different future in love.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

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💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

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Meet Sophie, a 37-year-old woman who spent years feeling stuck in painful relationship cycles. Like many women I work with, she kept attracting emotionally unavailable or narcissistic men — despite knowing, deep down, that something wasn’t right.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through Sophie’s journey: from identifying her relational schemas (like abandonment, emotional deprivation, and subjugation), to understanding how her childhood shaped her “love template,” to the powerful moment she made a clear commitment to change.

We’ll explore how she:

• Finally ended a 7-year relationship that drained her emotionally
• Identified red flags and stopped rationalising harm
• Rebuilt self-trust by healing her inner vulnerable child
• Let go of the idea that she had a specific “type”
• Started dating with emotional clarity, rather than fear or old patterns

This transformation is exactly the kind of work we do inside Love Wisely. If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of relationship?” — this episode is for you.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
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In this important solo episode, Gemma reflects on a disturbing real-life conversation overheard between two teenage girls — one of whom casually describes being physically assaulted by her boyfriend. What follows is a powerful deep dive into why girls and women downplay harmful, even abusive, behaviour in relationships.

From shame, trauma bonding, and fear of judgement to deeply rooted schemas like abandonment, defectiveness, and subjugation, Gemma explores the internal and social forces that keep so many women stuck — and why prevention, education, and early recognition matter more than ever.

What You'll Learn:

• Why some girls and women minimize abusive behaviour, even when it’s clearly unsafe
• The role of schemas (especially abandonment and shame) in tolerating harm
• How early emotional wounds shape our dating choices and instincts
• What trauma bonding is — and how it makes us rationalize abuse
• Key psychological and cultural reasons why walking away feels so hard
• Why we must start taking early signs seriously — for ourselves and the next generation

Gemma also shares practical reflection prompts, including:

• What would I tell my younger self?
• What would I say to a friend in this situation?

👉 If this episode resonates with you, or you wish you had trusted yourself sooner in the past — this one’s especially for you.

💡 Bonus: If you’re interested in doing the deep work to break free from painful dating patterns and build safer, more secure relationships, sign up for early access to Gemma’s new 12-week group coaching program, Love Wisely — starting Mid June 2025.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
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In this solo episode, Gemma explores one of the most foundational concepts when it comes to healing relationship patterns—the abandonment schema.

Whether you're currently dating or in a long-term relationship, understanding your own abandonment schema and how it influences your emotions, choices, and reactions is essential for cultivating emotional safety and secure connection.

Gemma explains:

• What the abandonment schema is and how it develops
• How it shows up in dating and relationships (from clingy overcompensation to total avoidance)
• The 3 common coping styles triggered by this schema—and how they quietly sabotage your love life
• Why working with your vulnerable child mode is key to healing the abandonment wound
• 3 powerful reparenting practices to begin calming your inner alarm system and making more grounded, self-honoring choices in love

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
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Schema Coaching & Support – Work with Dr. Gemma Gladstone

Support the show

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In this mailbox episode, we dive into a listener question from Amy (name changed for privacy), who is struggling with the trauma bond with her narcissistic and emotionally neglectful mother. Amy shares her experience of emotional neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, and rejection—all while navigating the complicated reality of trying to maintain boundaries.

 ✔ What a trauma bond with a parent looks like – Why it’s so difficult to break free
✔ The cycle of hope & rejection – Why emotionally neglectful parents keep you in a state of longing
✔ How narcissistic parents offload their shame onto their children – Understanding the “shame exchange”
✔ Why boundaries feel impossible with a narcissistic mother – The emotional toll of walking on eggshells
✔ Grief and healing – The painful but necessary process of accepting that your mother will never be the mother you needed
✔ Moving forward – Why reparenting yourself is key, and how to start choosing healthier relationships

This is a deeply validating episode for anyone struggling with a difficult or narcissistic parent. If you’ve ever felt stuck in an unhealthy dynamic, confused by your mother’s inconsistent behavior, or burdened with guilt for setting boundaries, this discussion is for you.

🔗 Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
📌 Episode 104 – Understanding Trauma Bonds 
 

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

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🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

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In this episode, Dr Gemma takes a deep dive into one of the most common and persistent life patterns—people-pleasing. If you've ever found yourself constantly prioritizing others' needs over your own, struggling to say no, or feeling exhausted from always trying to keep the peace, this episode is for you.

She explores:
✅ What people-pleasing really is and why it’s not just one behavior but a collection of patterns
✅ The three main schemas that drive people-pleasing
✅ How early experiences and conditioning shape this pattern and why it can be hard to break
✅ Six powerful self-reflection questions to help you tune into yourself, your needs and your emotions

These six foundational questions are designed to help you:
🔹 Reconnect with who you really are beneath years of learned behaviours
🔹 Identify what you truly want, need, and believe—instead of looking outward for validation
🔹 Start making decisions from a place of self-awareness and confidence

If you’ve been a chronic people-pleaser and you’re ready to start shifting this pattern, this episode will give you practical first steps to create real change.

Resources & Links:

 🔹 Learn more about The Red Flag Project: theredflagproject.com
🔹 Upcoming Therapist Webinar – Supporting Clients with Narcissistic Parents (March 27th) – Early bird discount ends March 8th! Registration Link

https://podcast.feedspot.com/australian_psychology_podcasts/
https://podcast.feedspot.com/mood_podcasts/

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

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🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩hello@drgemmagladstone.com 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

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Episode Description:
Are you dating someone new and wondering if they’re truly a good match? Or do you have a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners? In this episode, Gemma breaks down The 7 Deadly Sins of the Narcissistic Dater—key warning signs that indicate deeper personality issues and potential toxic relationship dynamics.

These signs often reveal themselves early—sometimes even on the first date. Recognizing them before you get emotionally invested can save you from heartbreak and manipulation.

These behaviors aren’t just annoying quirks—they’re significant predictors of toxic relationship patterns. I also share 2 real success stories from women who’ve identified these red flags early, broken their old patterns, and found secure, emotionally available partners.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

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💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

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Episode Overview:
In this deeply personal and insightful episode, Dr. Justine Corry shares her experience of family estrangement, reflecting on her relationship with a narcissistic mother and the impact on her life. Dr. Gemma Gladstone joins the conversation as they both discuss the psychological toll of estrangement and how schema therapy can help individuals heal and move forward.

Key Topics Covered:

• What drives estrangement and why it’s never an easy decision.
• The role of schemas in shaping family dynamics and coping mechanisms.
• Personal reflections on living without a parent and how to navigate the associated grief and loss.
• Understanding the motivations and limitations of difficult family members, including narcissistic parents.
• How self-preservation and boundaries can lead to healing and healthier relationships.

If you’ve ever struggled with a difficult family relationship, faced the possibility of estrangement, or want to better understand the psychology behind toxic family dynamics, this episode provides both professional guidance and heartfelt relatability.

Estrangement is never easy, but understanding the dynamics at play can help bring clarity and healing. With the right tools and support, it’s possible to move forward and build a life that aligns with your well-being.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

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Happy New Year! In this first episode of 2025, Gemma invites you to reflect on the life scripts and recurring patterns that no longer serve you and take intentional steps toward rewriting them. Life scripts are the unconscious stories and patterns that shape how we think, feel, and behave, often holding us back from living authentically and joyfully.

By unpacking and letting go of these outdated narratives, we create space for personal growth, healthier relationships, and a life aligned with our true selves.

In This Episode, Gemma Discusses:

• What Are Life Scripts?
  • How they differ from schemas and influence our decisions and behaviors.
  • Examples of common life scripts, such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, and self-doubt.
• The Connection Between Life Scripts and Schemas:
  • How schemas like abandonment, defectiveness, and unrelenting standards often underpin these scripts.
• Three Common Life Scripts:
  1. People-Pleasing: "I need to make everyone happy to be loved."
  2. Perfectionism: "If I don’t do this perfectly, I’m not good enough."
  3. Self-Doubt: "I’m not capable or as good as others."
• How to Let Go of Limiting Life Scripts:
  • Identify the Script: Recognize the recurring patterns or schemas that are holding you back.
  • Visualize Change: Imagine life without the script—what would it look like?
  • Create a Mantra: Use affirmations to focus your intention and remind yourself of your growth.
  • Take Small Steps: Start with achievable actions, like setting a boundary or reframing a critical thought.
• Real-Life Examples:
  • Gemma shares powerful success stories of clients who rewrote their scripts and transformed their lives.

As we begin 2025, this episode is your invitation to reflect, reset, and take steps toward letting go of the old scripts holding you back.

P.S. If you’re ready to go deeper and tackle your life scripts with focused 1:1 coaching, Gemma has limited spots available for new clients. Reach out at reception@goodmood.com.au to enquire. 

Support the show

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🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

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📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

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Welcome to the final Episode for this year!  We will be back with new episodes in 2025.  

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🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

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🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

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In this episode of we dive deep into the "martyr mode," a coping style often discussed in schema therapy. We explore what it means to have a martyr complex or mode, how it shows up in relationships, and the emotional dynamics that fuel this behaviour.

Key topics covered include:

• The defining traits of the martyr mode and how it may stem from deeper emotional wounds, unmet needs and emotional deprivation.
• The guilt-inducing and manipulative aspects of martyr behaviour, and its impact on relationships with children, partners, and others.
• How this mode can flip between seeking validation, playing the victim, and striving for indispensability.
• Insights into the covert ways martyrs seek emotional control and validation, often leaving others feeling resentful or guilty.
• Practical advice for recognizing and addressing martyr tendencies in yourself or dealing with someone exhibiting this behavior.

Whether you're navigating a relationship with someone in this mode or noticing these patterns within yourself, this episode offers valuable insights and strategies for creating healthier dynamics.

If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to FOLLOW the show and share it with others who might benefit from this discussion.

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🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

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Healthy Adult Daily Practice: An Intentional Reflection Tool

In this episode, Gemma introduces a practical tool called Healthy Adult Daily Practice, designed to help you strengthen and nurture your Healthy Adult mode. Building on the foundational features of the Healthy Adult mode discussed in the previous episode, this episode walks you through a simple, intentional practice that can be integrated into your daily life to promote emotional resilience, self-awareness, and healthier relationships.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

• What is the Healthy Adult Mode?
  • A quick recap of its foundational characteristics: mindfulness, self-compassion, emotional regulation, and more.
  • How embodying the Healthy Adult mode supports wiser, more compassionate decision-making and self-management.
• Healthy Adult Daily Practice Tool:
  • Set Your Intention: Choose one Healthy Adult quality (e.g., patience, empathy, gratitude, self-care) to focus on for the day.
  • Daily Embodiment: Actively embody this quality in your actions, thoughts, and interactions throughout the day.
  • End-of-Day Reflection: Evaluate how you embodied this quality, reflect on challenges, and identify lessons learned for future growth.
• Why This Practice Works:
  • The importance of intentionality and repetition in developing new neural pathways.
  • How this practice builds emotional resilience and integrates Healthy Adult traits into your personality over time.

By engaging with this tool, you'll build greater self-awareness, foster healthier relationships, and develop the emotional resilience to face life's challenges with confidence and clarity.

Reflection Questions for Healthy Adult Daily Practice:

1. What Healthy Adult quality will I focus on tomorrow?
2. Why is this quality meaningful or important to me right now?
3. How do I plan to incorporate this quality into my daily life?
4. How did I embody this quality today?
5. What challenges did I face in practicing this quality?
6. How did this practice influence my interactions, decisions, or emotions?
7. What did I learn about myself during this practice?
8. Will I continue to develop this quality? If so, how?

Support the show

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In this episode, Gemma dives into the cornerstone of schema therapy: the Healthy Adult mode. This is the part of us that represents balance, wisdom, and compassion—our best self that helps us navigate relationships, emotions, and life’s challenges effectively.

What You’ll Learn:

1. Mindfulness: Why mindfulness is the foundational building block for self-awareness, self-reflection, and personal growth.
2. The Healthy Adult as Executor: How this mode acts as the caretaker, director, and overseer of all other modes.
3. The Wise and Courageous Self: The importance of facing reality, leaning into discomfort, and making wise, courageous decisions.
4. The Compassionate Self: How to practice genuine compassion toward yourself and others without overextending or self-sacrificing.
5. The Good Parent: Prioritizing meaningful self-care and addressing unhealthy coping strategies to nurture yourself like a loving parent would.
6. Self-Awareness and Growth: Recognizing your schemas and embracing psychological awareness to create meaningful change.
7. Flexibility and Openness: Developing an open, adaptable mindset to navigate life’s ups and downs without rigidity.

Why This Episode Matters:

Understanding and strengthening your Healthy Adult mode is central to breaking unhelpful patterns and living authentically. Gemma shares practical insights and strategies to help you embrace this transformative aspect of yourself.

Resources Mentioned:

• Book recommendation: Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young.
• Previous episode: "You’re Not Your Diagnosis."

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In this solo episode, Gemma dives deep into the concept of trauma bonding, shedding light on why some people feel emotionally tethered to unhealthy or toxic relationships. Drawing from listener questions she explores the psychological mechanisms behind trauma bonds, including the powerful dynamic of the "good-bad ratio" and how it can replicate patterns from childhood.

Gemma also discusses how schemas—such as abandonment, mistrust/abuse, and defectiveness—can make individuals more vulnerable to trauma bonding and highlights the role of manipulative behaviors like love bombing, gaslighting, and boundary-pushing in these relationships.

If you've ever wondered why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship or felt stuck in cycles of abuse, this episode is essential listening. 

Topics Covered:

• What is a Trauma Bond? How emotional connections form in abusive or toxic relationships.
• The Abuse Cycle: Key stages like love bombing, boundary-pushing, and manipulation that create and reinforce trauma bonds.
• The Role of Schemas: Why unresolved schemas, such as abandonment or mistrust/abuse, make it harder to leave.
• Breaking the Cycle: How understanding the "good-bad ratio" in relationships can help you regain clarity and self-worth.
• Red Flags to Watch For: Love bombing, arrogance, and other warning signs of toxic relationships.
• How to Heal: The importance of schema work, slowing down in relationships, and taking steps toward self-reflection and recovery.

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This episode will resonate with anyone struggling with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility to others and those who feel “stuck” in cycles of overgiving. 

In this solo episode, Gemma dives deep into the self-sacrifice schema, exploring how it manifests, its origins in family dynamics, and the toll it takes on those who constantly prioritize others over themselves. This schema, often seen in people who struggle with setting boundaries, can lead to burnout, resentment, and a diminished sense of self-worth.

Gemma delves into the drama triangle—the roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor—and explains how these dynamics often shape and reinforce the self-sacrifice schema. Additionally, she examines the enmeshment schema, which often appears alongside self-sacrifice, further complicating one’s ability to differentiate personal needs from the needs of others.

Topics covered include:

• Defining the Self-Sacrifice Schema: How it drives people to prioritize others’ needs over their own, even to their detriment.
• Origins of the Schema: Common family dynamics that foster self-sacrifice, such as growing up with an over-entitled or narcissistic parent, or being cast into the rescuer role in the drama triangle.
• The Schema's Impact on Relationships: Why those with a strong self-sacrifice schema often attract self-absorbed partners and struggle to set boundaries.
• Enmeshment and Self-Sacrifice: How enmeshment can fuel self-sacrifice by creating a sense of responsibility for others’ emotions and well-being.
• Schemas and Coping Styles: Different coping modes, including surrendering to, avoiding, or overcompensating for the schema.
• The Role of Guilt and Empathic Distress: How these emotions fuel self-sacrifice behaviors and make it difficult to prioritize self-care.
• Practical Exercises: Techniques like chair work to identify core beliefs tied to self-sacrifice and to build a healthier relationship with oneself.

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• New Group Coaching Program: "Date Differently": A 6-week online group coaching program designed to help women build self-trust, set boundaries, and date with confidence. Starts November 6th. SIGN UP BEFORE 26TH OCT AND SAVE! Spots are limited. 
• Signature Course – The Red Flag Project: This newly updated course covers schemas, red flags, and how to recognize unavailable partners. It’s recommended to take the course before joining the coaching program to get the most out of the sessions. Access it here.  Special limited time discount code: HERBESTLIFE
• Get the FREE GUIDE - Dating with an abandonment schema

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• New Group Coaching Program: "Date Differently": A 6-week online group coaching program designed to help women build self-trust, set boundaries, and date with confidence. Starts November 6th. SIGN UP BEFORE 26TH OCT AND SAVE! Spots are limited. 
• Signature Course – The Red Flag Project: This newly updated course covers schemas, red flags, and how to recognize unavailable partners. It’s recommended to take the course before joining the coaching program to get the most out of the sessions. Access it here.  Special limited time discount code: HERBESTLIFE
• Get the FREE GUIDE - Dating with an abandonment schema

In this episode, Gemma explores the emotional and psychological barriers that often arise when dating. Whether you’re re-entering the dating scene or currently navigating it, this episode will help you identify and manage common sources of anxiety.

Topics discussed:

1. Fear of rejection or judgment
2. Pressure to make a good impression
3. Attachment styles and schemas
4. Overthinking and self-criticism
5. Fear of repeating past patterns
6. Cultural and societal expectations
7. Uncertainty of the unknown
8. Physical and mental effects of anxiety

Throughout the episode, Gemma offers mindset shifts and practical tips to help you feel more calm, confident, and authentic in your dating journey.

How to Connect for relationship & dating content:

• Website: The Red Flag Project
• Email: JustineandGemma@goodmood.com.au
• Instagram: theredflagprojectofficial

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Special Announcements:

• New Group Coaching Program: "Date Differently": A 6-week online group coaching program designed to help women build self-trust, set boundaries, and date with confidence. Starts November 6th. SIGN UP BEFORE 26TH OCT AND SAVE!
• Signature Course – The Red Flag Project: This newly updated course covers schemas, red flags, and how to recognize unavailable partners. It’s recommended to take the course before joining the coaching program to get the most out of the sessions. Access it here.  Special limited time discount code: HERBESTLIFE

How to Connect for relationship & dating content:

• Website: The Red Flag Project
• Email: JustineandGemma@goodmood.com.au
• Instagram: theredflagprojectofficial

Summary: In this episode, Gemma and Justine explore how the Abandonment Schema impacts dating and relationships. They discuss the core beliefs tied to this schema, such as the fear of being left or replaced, and how it can cause anxiety and insecurity even in the early stages of dating. They dive into how the schema is often triggered by ambiguity in communication, delayed responses, or inconsistent behavior from partners, and how these triggers can lead to overthinking and self-doubt.

They also share practical tips for dating more mindfully with an Abandonment Schema, including identifying red flags early, managing emotional triggers, and setting healthy boundaries to avoid staying in unfulfilling relationships for too long.

Key Takeaways:

• The Abandonment Schema can make dating feel unstable and trigger fears of rejection or being left behind, even when it's not warranted.
• It’s essential to recognize early signs of emotional unavailability and avoid getting stuck in relationships that reinforce old patterns.
• Learn to manage triggers and address abandonment fears through self-awareness, setting boundaries, and focusing on your own needs and well-being.

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Special Announcements:

• New Group Coaching Program: "Date Differently": A 6-week online group coaching program designed to help women build self-trust, set boundaries, and date with confidence. Starts November 6th. SIGN UP BEFORE 26TH OCT AND SAVE!
• Signature Course – The Red Flag Project: This newly updated course covers schemas, red flags, and how to recognize unavailable partners. It’s recommended to take the course before joining the coaching program to get the most out of the sessions. Access it here.  Special limited time discount code: HERBESTLIFE

How to Connect for relationship & dating content:

• Website: The Red Flag Project
• Email: JustineandGemma@goodmood.com.au
• Instagram: theredflagprojectofficial

Summary: In this replay of a popular episode, Gemma and Justine discuss the often-exhausting experience of dating fatigue. They explore why dating can feel so draining, particularly when navigating dating apps, dealing with rejection, or repeatedly encountering emotionally unavailable partners. Whether you're re-entering the dating world after a long-term relationship or have faced a series of short-term connections that haven’t worked out, this episode offers helpful insights into handling the ups and downs of dating.

Gemma and Justine emphasize the importance of social support and authenticity in dating, encouraging listeners to remain grounded and true to themselves. They also dive into common dating mistakes, such as ignoring red flags or putting on personas to appear "perfect" or easygoing. They remind listeners that staying true to yourself is key to building lasting, meaningful connections.

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding Dating Fatigue: It's normal to feel exhausted or discouraged when dating, especially after repeated disappointments or endless swiping on apps. Acknowledge that dating can be a "numbers game," but also treat it as an experiment to learn about yourself and others.
• Be Yourself: Avoid putting on a persona or hiding your needs to please someone else. Authenticity is essential, as it leads to attracting partners who value the real you.
• Recognizing Red Flags Early: Pay attention to early signs of emotional unavailability, such as inconsistent commu

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In this episode, we explore the challenges of navigating casual sex culture and hookup culture, particularly for individuals with abandonment schemas, emotional deprivation schemas, or anxious attachment styles. Join us as we discuss common scenarios, the emotional impacts of casual encounters, and strategies for those seeking meaningful relationships.

Key Discussion Points:

• The Rise of Casual Sex Culture:
  We delve into how dating apps and societal expectations have normalized casual encounters, particularly for women who may feel pressured to conform.
• Understanding Your Emotional Triggers:
  We discuss how casual sex can activate abandonment schemas and emotional wounds, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety post-encounter.
• Common Scenarios in Dating:
  We share stories of women who experience heartache after one-night stands, leaving them questioning their worth and what went wrong.
• Reframing the Narrative:
  We emphasize the importance of recognizing that there is nothing inherently wrong with you if a casual encounter doesn’t lead to a desired relationship. It's often more about the other person's readiness for commitment.
• Strategies for Healing:
  Practical advice on how to approach dating intentionally and slowly, allowing for emotional healing and self-discovery.
• The Importance of Healthy Boundaries:
  We discuss how setting boundaries can help in finding the right partner and avoiding the pitfalls of casual relationships when seeking something deeper.
• Understanding Male Perspectives:
  Insights into how men may approach relationships differently and how this can affect women's emotional experiences in casual encounters.

Takeaway Messages:

• If you identify with having an abandonment schema, it’s crucial to question whether casual sex aligns with your emotional needs and goals in relationships.
• Building a new narrative around self-worth can lead to healthier dating practices and more fulfilling connections.
• Healing from emotional wounds requires active engagement and sometimes means saying no to casual encounters.

Navigating relationships in today's casual sex culture isn't easy, especially for those with emotional wounds. A conscious approach to dating—taking things slow and understanding your needs—is essential for fostering healthy relationships.

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New Group Coaching Program: "Date Differently": A 6-week online group coaching program designed to help women build self-trust, set boundaries, and date with confidence. Starts November 6th. SIGN UP BEFORE 26TH OCT AND SAVE!

In this thoughtful Mailbox episode, Justine and Gemma respond to a listener’s heartfelt question about navigating the confusion between green flags and subtle red flags in a relationship. 'Laura', the listener, describes her experience dating a man who seemed like a wonderful partner—kind, attentive, successful, and emotionally vulnerable. However, despite these positive qualities, Laura noticed subtle signs of emotional detachment and avoidance that left her questioning whether she was overreacting or misinterpreting the situation.

Gemma and Justine guide 'Laura' through the process of recognizing that what she saw as subtle red flags were, in fact, pretty significant signs of deeper issues. They discuss how behaviors like rushing into intimacy, oversharing trauma early on, and withdrawing during difficult conversations are often clear markers of emotional unavailability. These red flags can be easily overlooked when our schemas—particularly abandonment or anxious attachment schemas—get in the way, making us doubt our instincts or take too much responsibility for relationship challenges.

Gemma and Justine emphasize that Laura’s experience is a common one, especially for those whose schemas may cloud their ability to accurately assess a partner’s behavior. They offer practical advice on how to trust your instincts, stay attuned to how you feel in a relationship, and avoid the trap of self-blame when things don’t seem to add up.

Topics discussed:

• Emotional vulnerability vs. trauma bonding: Understanding when vulnerability feels meaningful versus when it’s used to create a quick emotional connection that isn’t sustainable.
• Rushing intimacy: Why too much attention or time too quickly can signal unmet emotional needs in the other person, rather than a healthy, steady connection.
• Emotional withdrawal: How detachment during sex, lack of affection, or avoidance of difficult topics are often red flags for emotional unavailability—even when a partner seems attentive in other areas.
• The role of schemas: How an abandonment schema can lead to self-doubt, causing us to overlook or minimize important warning signs.
• Balancing green and red flags: Why even a relationship filled with positive traits can be problematic if subt

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Special Announcements:

• New Group Coaching Program: "Date Differently": A 6-week online group coaching program designed to help women build self-trust, set boundaries, and date with confidence. Starts November 6th. SIGN UP BEFORE 26TH OCT AND SAVE!
• Signature Course – The Red Flag Project: This newly updated course covers schemas, red flags, and how to recognize unavailable partners. It’s recommended to take the course before joining the coaching program to get the most out of the sessions. Access it here.  Special limited time discount code: HERBESTLIFE

In this episode, Gemma & Justine dive into a listener's question that touches on the emotional impact of casual sex, particularly for those who struggle with an abandonment schema. Using a listener’s experience with one-night stands and emotional triggers, we explore how unresolved attachment wounds can complicate what is often thought of as a carefree encounter. They discuss why casual sex may not feel so casual for individuals with abandonment wounds and offer insights into why emotional responses can be heightened in these situations.

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional Attachment During Casual Sex: Even if the intent is to keep things casual, those with an abandonment schema often experience deep emotional responses, which can make casual sex far more complicated.
• The Role of Childhood Trauma: Unmet emotional needs from childhood, such as parental abandonment or lack of care, can resurface during intimate encounters, leading to feelings of vulnerability or sadness.
• Understanding the Schema’s Influence: Individuals with an abandonment schema may unconsciously seek emotional connection and validation during casual encounters, despite knowing logically that the interaction is meant to be non-committal.
• Navigating "Situationships": Long-term casual sexual relationships may develop emotional attachments, further reinforcing feelings of rejection and abandonment when the other partner doesn’t reciprocate deeper connection.
• Healing and Moving Forward: Gemma and Justine encourage setting boundaries and communicating needs clearly, while also doing the inner work to heal the wounded child. This helps avoid reinforcing harmful emotional patterns and promotes healthier relationships.

Tips for Listeners:

• Recognize Your Emotional Needs: If casual sex leaves you f

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In this episode, we unpack the complexities of the entitlement schema—a schema that's often linked to narcissistic traits and one that rarely brings individuals to therapy. Unlike schemas like abandonment or self-sacrifice, those with an entitlement schema often believe their way of thinking is justified, which makes it hard to seek change. We explore how this schema is formed, how it manifests in relationships, and what it takes for someone to recognize and work on it. This episode is particularly useful for those in relationships with someone exhibiting entitlement or for parents wanting to avoid fostering this trait in their children.

Key Points Discussed:

1. Entitlement Schema Basics:
   • Entitlement schema involves a belief that one’s needs and desires trump others, often without consideration for reciprocity.
   • Unlike other schemas, those with entitlement often don’t recognize it as a problem, making it difficult for them to seek help.
2. Connection to Narcissism:
   • The entitlement schema is closely linked to narcissism, with individuals often displaying a lack of empathy, grandiosity, and demanding behavior.
   • People with this schema rarely self-reflect and are usually satisfied with their approach to life, making therapy engagement rare.
3. Two Main Origins of Entitlement:
   • Overindulgence in Childhood: Children who grow up without learning limits or consequences may develop a sense of entitlement.
   • Overcompensation for Emotional Deprivation: Those who felt unseen or neglected may overcompensate by developing an entitlement schema to meet their unmet needs in adulthood.
4. Entitlement in Relationships:
   • Entitlement can cause significant strain in relationships, often pairing with someone who feels under-entitled or self-sacrificing.
   • These dynamics lead to an imbalance, with the entitled partner often making decisions unilaterally and disregarding the needs of others.
5. Challenges in Therapy:
   • People with an entitlement schema may only seek therapy when their relationships are on the rocks or they are losing important connections.
   • Therapy focuses on building rapport and slowly confronting the entitlement through empathic confrontation, helping the person recognize the impact of their behavior.
6. How to Recognize Entitlement in a Partner:
   • Lack of empathy or curiosity about your needs.
   • Always prioritizing their own desires and making decisions without consultation.
   • Low tolerance for frustration, impulsivity, or demanding

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Episode Summary:
Dr Gemma Gladstone and Justine Corry dive into the Failure Schema, a schema that is often overlooked but can be profoundly impactful in many areas of life, particularly in achievement and work-related contexts. They explore how this schema manifests, its origins, and how it often intertwines with other schemas such as defectiveness, dependence, and even unrelenting standards.

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding the Failure Schema: The Failure Schema is a pervasive belief that one is destined to fail or is inherently inadequate, especially when compared to others. It often surfaces in academic, career, and achievement-related areas.
• Origins and Development: This schema may develop from childhood experiences such as being labeled as "slow," having learning difficulties, or growing up with unrealistic expectations from parents. It can also be linked to feeling inadequate compared to siblings or peers.
• Coping Styles: The failure schema can lead to various coping behaviors, including avoidance (not trying new things due to fear of failure), surrender (believing fully in the schema and setting low standards for oneself), and overcompensation (attempting to prove the schema wrong by setting unrealistic goals).
• Self-Sabotage: One of the most significant ways the failure schema manifests is through self-sabotage, where individuals might avoid challenges, procrastinate, or engage in behaviors that ensure they fail, thus reinforcing the schema.
• Interrelation with Other Schemas: The failure schema often does not exist in isolation. It may be accompanied by schemas like defectiveness (feeling inherently flawed) or unrelenting standards (setting impossibly high standards to avoid failure).

Practical Advice:

• Challenge the Schema: Start by identifying the origins of your failure schema. Reflect on past experiences that may have contributed to its development and consider alternative explanations for these experiences.
• Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Overcoming the failure schema requires pushing through the fear of failure and taking risks. Setting achievable goals and gradually exposing yourself to new challenges can help shift this deep-seated belief.
• Break the Cycle: Recognize the coping behaviors that reinforce the failure schema and actively work to change them. Whether it's avoidance, surrender, or overcompensation, addressing these patterns is key to overcoming the schema.

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Special Announcements:

• New Group Coaching Program: "Date Differently": A 6-week online group coaching program designed to help women build self-trust, set boundaries, and date with confidence. Starts November 6th. SIGN UP BEFORE 26TH OCT AND SAVE!
• Signature Course – The Red Flag Project: This newly updated course covers schemas, red flags, and how to recognize unavailable partners. It’s recommended to take the course before joining the coaching program to get the most out of the sessions. Access it here.  Special limited time discount code: HERBESTLIFE

Episode Summary: In this episode, Gemma Gladstone tackles a listener's question about break-up recovery and the elusive concept of closure.  Drawing from her extensive experience as a therapist over the last 25 years, she provides practical advice on healing after a painful breakup, what to do and what not to do as well as managing lingering feelings.

Key Points:

1. Introduction to Listener's Question:
   • A listener, referred to as "Lisa," shares her experience of a difficult breakup with a partner who exhibited love-bombing behavior.
   • Lisa is conflicted about seeking closure by expressing her feelings to her ex versus moving on without further contact.
2. Understanding Love Bombing:
   • Gemma explains the dynamics of love bombing and its association with narcissistic traits.
   • The importance of recognizing red flags early in relationships.
3. Healing Tips Post-Breakup:
   • No Contact Rule: Avoid all forms of contact with the ex-partner, including social media, to facilitate healing.
   • Avoid Rumination: Recognize and interrupt patterns of overthinking and counterfactual thinking to prevent emotional stagnation.
   • Validate Your Emotions: Acknowledge and accept your feelings of grief and sadness as a natural part of the healing process.
4. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion:
   • Techniques to become aware of and manage unhelpful thoughts.
   • The role of self-compassion in validating and soothing your emotional pain.
5. Avoiding Rebound Relationships:
   • The dangers of jumping into new relationships or casual encounters too soon.
   • The importance of self-reflection and understanding personal patterns before starting a new relationship.
6. The Concept of Clo

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Information about private therapy/coaching with Gemma or Justine email us: justineandgemma@goodmood.com.au

 In today's episode, Gemma explores the impact of Defensiveness on relationships, its root causes, and practical steps to overcome it.

Key Points:

1. Defensive Phrases:
   • Common examples: "It's not my fault," "You always," "You never," "You're overreacting."
   • Recognize these as signs of defensiveness.
2. Impact on Relationships:
   • Defensiveness is a relationship killer, identified by John and Julie Gottman as one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
   • High levels of defensiveness can predict relationship breakup and divorce.
3. Triggers and Responses:
   • Often triggered by low to medium-level criticisms or requests from a partner.
   • Immediate emotional responses include feelings of threat, anger, and injustice.
4. Behavioral Patterns:
   • Refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing.
   • Redirecting blame or overly justifying actions.
   • Counterattacking or withdrawing.
5. Underlying Causes:
   • Common schemas involved: defectiveness, emotional deprivation, mistrust, subjugation.
   • Often stems from childhood experiences with critical or narcissistic parents.
6. Steps to Overcome Defensiveness:
   • Reflect on defensive incidents when calm.
   • Identify triggers and feelings.
   • Recognize the part of yourself you're defending.
   • Acknowledge and validate your vulnerable inner child.
   • Reassure the defensive part of you that you're now an adult and safe.
   • Practice responding calmly and reasonably.
7. Practical Exercise:
   • Sit quietly and recall a recent defensive episode.
   • Identify your reaction and underlying feelings.
   • Visualize a conversation with your inner child and defender.
   • Reassure them and imagine a healthier response in future interactions.

Conclusion: Defensiveness is common but can be managed with self-awareness and compassionate inner dialogue. Reflect, identify triggers, and practice calm responses to improve relationship dynamics.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Schema Circle Membership - Join Now! 

Reparenting is at the heart of schema therapy and you can learn how to do it yourself.
In this episode Gemma and Justine discuss how to start reparenting yourself and provide several practical suggestions for how to get started.  Reparenting is central to psychological and schema healing.  The more you practice, the easier it gets and the  psychologically integrated and connected you will feel. 

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Get the Free Guide on Breaking the toxic ties of Narcissistic parents

Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Schema Circle Membership - Join Now! 

In this episode Gemma discusses what puts people at risk of having narcissistic friends.  What are some of the schemas that play a role in this? What can you do if you realise that you have 1 too many self-absorbed people in your life?  It can feel demoralizing and you might feel like giving up.  Gemma then discusses ways for taking care of yourself and increasing your social contact with others. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
Schema Circle Membership - Join Now! 

In this episode Gemma and Justine go back to basics and take a deep-dive into what is a schema or an Early Maladaptive Schema to be precise.    This episode will provide you with the basics of what you need to know if you're wanting to understand schemas more thoroughly or are perhaps confused about the concept and can't quite grasp it.  Hope you enjoy the episode!

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Today we share a clip from our "Schema In Focus" series in our Schema Circle Membership. 
Gemma and Justine discuss this schema in-depth, including its origins, what it feels like, how it is typically triggered and other things to look out for with this schema. 

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In today's episode  Gemma discusses the invisible reasons why so many women find it hard to leave an unhealthy relationship EARLY.  Based on her experience and knowledge gained from hearing the stories of hundred's of women, Gemma outlines her top 3 schema-related reasons why women don't exit relationships with partners who shows signs of unavailability, control and or narcissism.  
Tune in to find out why you may have gone against your best instincts and hung in there too long hoping for your new partner to change. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In today's episode we play an excerpt from a deep dive discussion on the abandonment schema from our monthly membership program, The Schema Circle.
We discuss the abandonment schema and fine tune it's origins, what it actually feels like and the many triggers for this schema. 

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When a schema is triggered, we typically have an urge to respond in 1 of 3 (unhelpful) ways.  In this episode Gemma talks about 'over-compensation' as one of those coping style.  

Over-compensation (also referred to a counter-attack) is one of 3 maladaptive coping styles discussed in schema therapy.  

Gemma reviews examples of over-compensation behaviours associated with each of the 18 schemas (in the original schema model). 

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Dear Therapist, Carer or anyone witnessing the emotional pain & suffering of a client or another person or friend.  You are invited to take a breath, stop and notice how you are feeling.  Spend 20 minutes doing this compassion-based exercise with Dr Gemma Gladstone as she guides you through a journey of loving-kindness towards both yourself and the person you are choosing to focus on.  

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Parenting Teenagers
 
You'll love this episode if you're looking for tips and clues for parenting your teen or tween.

In this episode we discuss a question asked by a member of our Schema Circle.  The questions asks how to manage and deal with teenagers when they are  being "disrespectful" difficult and or angry and you are in the firing line!

How can we be the "Lighthouse" for our teens and give them the love , support and inclusion that they need while also having limits and boundaries. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, Gemma and Justine answer a question from one of their Schema Circle members.

The question asks how can we know if our reaction to a break-up is fuelled by an abandonment schema or not?  Before getting into this question, Gemma provides a review of the abandonment schema, it's origin and how it tends to play out in romantic relationships.

The 3 ways this schema plays out in romantic relationships are (1) - an avoidance pattern; (2) - a surrendering pattern and (3) - an over-compensating pattern.  Gemma gives examples and explains each of these patterns.  

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, we discuss the emotional deprivation schema and how to start to heal this schema from the inside out.

This is probably the most common schema - about 50% of people have this schema.  It's the one that can be the hardest to recognise because we are often not aware of what we didn't get.

Stay tuned to hear us discuss how we start to work with this schema and what you can do in a practical way to start the healing process yourself.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Are you unsure about the difference between these 2 common schemas.

In this bitesize episode we discuss the difference and similarities between these schemas.  These schemas are often considered to be 'conditional' schemas in that they develop as a way to cope with and respond to the core schemas - like abandonment for example.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this thought-provoking episode, we explore the concept of disorganized attachment style and challenge the inclination to worry excessively about labels.

Join us as we delve into the complexities of disorganized attachment and shed light on why understanding it shouldn't be a source of distress.

We'll discuss the limitations of categorization and emphasize the importance of focusing on the underlying experiences and emotions that shape our attachment patterns.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Talking to a Narcissist? Avoid These 6 Common Pitfalls

Very often, if you were raised by a narcissist, in adulthood you will more or less fall into the trap of seeking the approval of people who are narcissistic.

A narcissists acceptance of you is often conditional – as long as you are the version of you they want to see, then they treat you well, or at least in an acceptable way.

In this episode Gemma discusses 6 relational or communications pitfalls to avoid when communicating with the difficult narcissist in your life. 

These are people who are really difficult to deal with or communicate with, who might gaslight you or try to manipulate you, who might be highly defensive, super sensitive to criticism, self-absorbed/self-centred; have angry outbursts; tantrums; and tend to be blaming of others and sometimes can be - condescending; patronising and belittling.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Don't you hate this! You'v e had a first great date with someone and then it's all down hill from there.  What went wrong? 

In this episode Justine and Gemma put this issue under the microscope and dissect the anatomy of this all too common and disappointing scenario.  

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

TRIGGER WARNING - Intimate partner abuse discussed and some sobering statistics of violence/sexual violence against woman are stated.

In today's episode we speak with Psychologist  Leanne Nunn who has recently completed her PhD research on  The Earliest Warning Signs of Intimate Partner Abuse.   Leanne has over twenty five years of experience as a psychologist in the clinical, management and training sectors.  She is also a PhD Student at the University of Tasmania focusing on intimate partner abuse (IPA). She has worked
with women that have experienced IPA or childhood abuse extensively throughout her career, both individually and in groups, across private practice, hospital and community settings.
 
Summary of research findings

This qualitative research project focused on listening to the voices of survivors of IPA and identified four key findings:

1) Women witnessed behaviours by the perpetrator early in the relationship that they felt were inappropriate or concerning or that they simply did not agree with. However, they did not label these behaviours as early warning signs of abuse, even when they were already very familiar with warning signs of abuse.
2) When women witnessed these inappropriate behaviours, they compromised or pushed down their internal reactions to them.
3) Every relationship included perpetrators’ intense charm, pursuit, love or excitement.
4) Every relationship included perpetrators’ controlling behaviours that imposed limits on the victim-survivor.

These findings suggest that the socialisation of women (including prioritising their partner’s needs over their own, maintaining the relationship at all costs, and a hope to be ‘swept up’ in their relationship) creates a foundation that can be manipulated by perpetrators to further enhance their abusive tactics. There are important implications of this research for primary prevention programs going forward.

Contact for Psychologist  Leanne Nunn.
http://www.lmnunn.com/

Link to Leanne's book
http://www.lmnunn.com/books/


ABOUT THE PODCAST

The Good Mood Clinic podcast focuses on our passion for Schema Therapy and how it transforms lives for the better. We talk about all things to do with Schema Therapy so you can become your own pattern-breaker and change your life for good. We think the whole world would be a better place if everyone healed their schemas!

If you enjoy listening to the

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